Secret Dimples and Butterflies

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Ronan. You know what got me through today? That little secret dimple you gave Poppy. The exact same one you had hidden on your little right lower cheek. The one that only came out when you smile or pouted.

The picture below is you at around a year. This was Poppy yesterday. That secret little dimple is such a gift that every time I see it, I get butterflies in my stomach. You are beyond amazing for doing this and this is absolute proof that you played such a huge role in all things Poppy.

Thank you, Ro.

xoxo

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The Death of a Domestic Goddess

tumblr_medw43k3Ar1qzdeblo1_500Ronan. I don’t sleep well. I know this is not healthy, not good for me or Poppy, but every single night this is how it goes. I fall asleep easily enough for a few hours. Then like clockwork, I am wide awake and cannot fall back asleep. How do you sleep peacefully when you have a dead child? Does anyone? Your daddy seems to. Maybe it’s because I’m your mama, that I don’t. Because my primal maternal instinct just takes over. I feel like a caged animal, searching for you. I wonder if this is how animals at a zoo feel that have been separated from their young. I’ll bet it is pretty similar.

Today, I did a lot of normal things that I don’t really enjoy anymore. Much of them consisted of being domestic. I have a hard time with that in this new life of mine. I did the whole Costco trip which I never do anymore because it give me so much anxiety. Today, I did it with a friend, so it wasn’t so bad. I came home, unloaded groceries, got dinner ready for tonight and finished up all the laundry that needed to be done. The laundry that I used to love to do, but now I loath, due to not getting to wash all of your clothes, too. I picked up your brothers from school. We came home, I made them a snack, we did their homework, etc… I was feeling pretty beat down/tired like I seem to be feeling a lot these days. Grief and pregnancy are not my cup of tea. I had a hard time being pregnant back in my life before knowing what it was like to have a dead child as well as being pregnant, too. Being pregnant with this Poppy girl just seems to make my pain for missing you, much more intense. I am officially a little over halfway in this pregnancy. I wish I could say I felt great, but I don’t. I feel miserable. Tonight, as I was taking a bath I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll survive being pregnant. I think I might die, from hurting so much.” I had a flash of death, like I often do. But then I thought of your brothers of course and that always seems to put me back on track. I know one thing, for sure. I cannot do this again. I cannot have another child, after this. It has all been too painful, and too much. I just need these next 4 months to fly by fast, please. I know I will be alright once Poppy is here, safe and sound. I cannot wait to have a little insomnia buddy to hang out with me;)

I think a lot of my problem is my mind is constantly wound up. I have such a huge to do list in front of me, that my mind is constantly thinking of things to do or that need to be done. The Neuroblastoma Center being at the top of it. Barb from NPR asked me if I thought this center was a reality. I told her without a doubt, it is. She asked me how I was going to get it done. My reply to her was, “I’m not exactly sure. All I know is I have someone very powerful behind me on this, that being Ronan, and I’m just going to follow his lead.” As long as I trust in you, I know this dream will become a reality. Do you know how much I believe in your foundation and what we are doing, Ronan? So much so, that when I was working through the details of where the money was going to go from the song Taylor wrote for you, I made the choice to have everything that came our way from iTunes, go to your foundation. I know I could have used it for our family, for your brothers’ college savings account or Poppy’s new room… but I didn’t. Because I believe that helping to save these kids’ lives, by giving them the best chance possible, is the most important thing in the world. Everything else can wait. These kids cannot and I will not stop trying to fix this world, until it gets drastically better. I know this center will do this. I know what needs to be done, to make these lives a little better for these kids so they don’t feel like they are just another number, the way we often did. I know this is going to take time. I am trying to be as patient as I can. I realize I am dealing with a lot, on top of trying to get this center figured out. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I am doing everything I am doing. But then I remember, I am living without you every single day. There is nothing harder than that.

We are going to see your Nana and Papa for Christmas. That cannot come soon enough. It has been unseasonably hot here and it’s starting to make me really hostile. I need a break from the sun. I need to get to Washington, where I feel like I can actually breathe for a change. I need the rain, the gloom, and the fresh air. I need the safe house I grew up in, with the best parents ever. I need to watch the way your brothers are so happy in the presence of your Nana and Papa and vise versa. I need the love that fills that house and where I feel the most loved. I am counting down the days, already. I know we all are.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow and not getting enough sleep is not going to help me to be productive. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home!

Ronan. Guess what? I had a good day. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. But now we have an office! And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. They even have a COKE machine! Holla! (but don’t tell Poppy. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! They just handed me over a key, and voila! Welcome to our new home! I took Becca and Stacy there today. They both cannot believe this. Carolyn called me and left me a message that said something like, “This is the yellow brick road and you are Dorothy!” That make me smile so big. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. And maybe a little less sad. Watch out childhood cancer! I’m really going to kick your ass now! I promise to be the best little tenant ever.

I have been reading all of your comments today. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. I was mesmerized by her. I had just lost you. I heard her mom call out her name. “Ireland!” I almost fell over. I went up to the mom. “What is your daughters’ name?” She just looked at me and said, “Ireland.” I smiled and said, “It’s beautiful.” That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I wonder if that was a sign of what’s to come. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. Ireland Ronan. I think you would have loved that name. We shall see, right Ro baby. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. My due date is April. I have a ways to go. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. Meat is still my enemy. So much so that I am wondering if I’ll become a vegetarian after this. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. I often give her crap about this. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. I don’t my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I’ll just stick with pie for now.

Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. They are at practice now. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. We don’t have many plans for the weekend. Most of our weekends are low key. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I don’t understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. So we would be doing all different things. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. It’s comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. I sacrifice myself, for them. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers.

It’s late now. We went to dinner. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. I couldn’t take it. I tried my best. We are home now. I’m begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I’m tired. It’s been a long and busy day. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. Oh, how you loved that thing. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? It’s so funny. It’s the “Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes.” A lot of you, ask that in my comments. How do I even put into words, who he is? I could describe him in a thousand different ways. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. He is someone you loved so much. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. Thank you for him. I thank you for him, every single day. Some things I like to keep private, like people’s real names. Same with our Fairy RoMo. I have to have some things I keep to myself. Those two, will always go by their nicknames.

I love you, my little seal. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking… the logo for Ronan’s Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. I love that so much. A little seal with the biggest eyes. So sweet. Goodnight baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Though she be but little, she is fierce!

Ronan. Cancer doesn’t rest so why should I? I know I just got home from California, but I am off again. I’m on a flight as we speak. I’ve had this trip planned for a while now, but I just haven’t brought it up. I’m in route to Grand Rapids, Michigan to visit Dr. Sholler. I have some things I need to talk to her about. Some things that the wheels in my head, won’t stop spinning about. I told you I’m not in this to sit back and do nothing. I am in this to do big things and I have some really big ideas. I will share them when the time is right, but as for now I need to keep them to myself. Until I have this master plan of mine, all mapped out to a tee. I’ve been working non-stop on this plan of mine which is actually really all of yours. Everything I do is for you, fueled by you, and motivated by you. I don’t want any of the credit for this is not my plan, it is yours. I truly believe this. This is just the way this has to be. Go big or go fucking home, right? Without a doubt.

I have felt alright the past few days. It was actually o.k. coming home. I missed AZ. I missed our house. I missed my friends, although I didn’t really have time to see anyone. I had time to get unpacked, laundry done, repacked, errands ran, your brothers situated, and off I went to the airport. I am excited for the next few days here. I already have a good feeling about this trip. Although you know I would give anything to not having to do any of this at all. I would give anything to be back at home, taking care of you. That’s all I really ever wanted in life, was to be a mom to you and your brothers. I was so happy doing this. I would like to say a big fuck you tonight to the dickwad, who decided to turn my life upside down, in the worst way possible. I would also like to give a big fuck you to the person in front of me who has been slamming his seat into my legs for the past 3 hours. He’s about to taste the back of me hand. Kidding. Kind of.
I don’t have a ton to say tonight. I think I might have been in a not so good mood today. I think I found myself being bitter and mad at all that I am doing, in the name of my dead child. I close my eyes a lot when I think about this. I see your beautiful face and my heart and stomach both drop to the floor. I stop breathing sometimes during all of this. I have to remind myself to breathe and focus on what it is that I will do, because of you. I sit back and try to block out all the noise that exists in my world now. I sit back and I picture a long dark tunnel with a light at the end. I tell myself not to look sideways. I tell myself not to get distracted. I tell myself I will see you, once I get to the end of this very dark tunnel. You are the light at the end, that will be waiting for me. This takes discipline, self-control and patience. I can do this. I remind myself all the time how brave you were, though out this entire fucking fucked-up journey. How much you loved me. You know what kills me the most, Ronan? That you loved me so much, that you never doubted that I was going to get you better and save you. You trusted me so much that you getting better was never even a question in your mind. I failed you no matter what anyone says. I did. I don’t care how out of my hands this was, I still failed you and let you down. This is why I know I will not fail at this. I will make this up to you in the only way that I can, as of now. I think I would like to run another fucking marathon just because I can. Somebody sign me up. I’m pissed and I seem to take out my anger best when it comes in the form of doing something physical. Can somebody find me something harder to do? I mean, do you know how hard it is to live everyday without you? Anything else this fucking world throws my way just seems easy.
Ro baby. I am here now. I spent the entire day with Dr. Sholler and we had dinner as well. You know who else is the light at the end of this very dark tunnel? She is. She will change the face of this disease. Mark my words. I’ve never believed in someone as much as you, until now. As we were sitting talking tonight, it was all I could do to contain my tears. Tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of regret, tears of all things bittersweet. I wish I could talk more about all the things going on. It’s hard for me to write on here, but not really be able to write. I’ve got to wrap my head around a lot of things. A lot of things that are going to change the world. Are you ready for all of this?? I think that you are. I think that it’s time. I’ll never forget the words I whispered to you, right before you passed away. You were fighting so hard to stay on this earth with me. You waited until I told you it was o.k., to stop fighting. My exact words??? “Come on baby doll. Come with me. Let’s get outta this place.” Your heart stopped right after I said those words to you. You had to go to your other place. You were so brave, to listen to me. I wonder all the time if you were scared. I go back and forth with this a lot. I think you knew it was your time to go to your other place, but I know you were still holding my hand, refusing to let go. I know you are still with me, helping me do all of this. I know I could not do any of this, without you. I love you so much. Thank you for giving me the strength I need, when I need it most. I’m going to try to get some rest now. It’s late and I have a lot to do tomorrow here in this sweet little town with the most badass doctor, that ever existed. I brought her a gift today. One of our little F U Cancer shirts. Her reaction was priceless. She loved it, to say the least;) Lots of things to come, I promise you that.
Look what your lovie, Charisma did for you. She is rocking the red carpet, with one of your little bracelets. She is so beautiful on the inside and out. We are so lucky to have her love. I know she is going to help us change this awful world as well. Thanks, Charisma… for truly caring about my little boy, our family, and wanting to help these other kids, who are fighting this awful fight and who deserve a voice to help them. I love you.
G’nite, Ro. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo

Valentine’s Day is for Suckers

Ronan. All I want for this Valentine’s Day (aka the STUPIDEST holiday ever) is you back. Since that cannot happen, I am going to work really hard to make ROentine’s Day, somewhat nice. I’ve ordered our cupcakes to drop off to our lovies at PCH tomorrow since that is what we did last year. I am going to do it again for you, this year. Your daddy asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow night. I looked at him like he had 12 heads and said, “Not unless you are letting me go out, armed with a machete.” He said he would not, so we will stay in. Although going out, with a machete sounds like much more fun. You know, I wonder if I will like ANY holiday again. Halloween still seems alright… because it was your favorite. I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Now, it seems extra stupid but that could just be because I am a mad/sad/angry/crazy mama now. Or it could just because I have always thought a holiday to celebrate, “LOVE,” was a commercialized scheme to buy overpriced red and puke me now pink shit. We should be celebrating love everyday. Especially if we have all of our kids. I don’t have that anymore so I get a hall pass to do whatever I want. So now, Valentine’s Day is for suckers and ROentine’s Day will take over. What will we do tomorrow? We will not wear pink. We will not wear Red. We will maybe wear all black because my heart now feels dead and black. But we will do nice things for other people. We will do something to make someone else, smile. We will drop off your cupcakes. We will not buy flowers which are a waste of money and all they do is DIE. Fuck flowers too. Add it to my list of things I hate. No flowers. Flowers are too pretty for our black broken soul.

Quinn has been sick the past couple of days. I’ve been playing the very patient, loving, nurturing mama role. Today, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough and only want you back so I can take care of you and your cancer. His cold/stomach ache is wearing thin on me. I had that moment, where I panicked and thought his stomach ache actually meant he has a mass in his tummy and it is cancer. I took him to the doctor to have him checked out. We were sent home with its nothing. We are of course, always skeptical as our mind now thinks it is the worst thing possible. Isn’t it fun, living in the world of your child died from cancer so now everyone is dying, too?? Love this life, Ro baby. It’s amazing.

What else has been going on???? Just the usual madness. Went hiking yesterday. Put on my Van Fuckin Halen shirt. Your daddy looked at me. “You cannot wear that hiking. Why do we always have to have these conversations?” I just looked at him. “Ronan is dead. I can do whatever I want. I’m wearing it hiking today.” I left the house in my shirt. Only one lady said something to me. She said, “Van who?” I said, “Van FUCKING Halen, lady!” She laughed. Ha! A stranger with a good sense of humor. I went with Mia’s mama, Sandra. So I had an extra reason to wear that shirt yesterday. Two cancer mama’s. One with a baby who is dead, the other mama with a baby who is in a wheelchair from her cancer treatments. I was prepared to defend us if we needed it. We didn’t. Everyone on that mountain knew better than to mess with us. They could probably see the anger/sadness in our eyes. I can guarantee you, we were the two most broken-hearted mama’s there. But it was nice to be with Sandra. We will have an unspoken bond/friendship for the rest of our lives. But I wish it didn’t happen this way.

Today, I stayed at home with Quinn. I was in the middle of my own pity party when a little text message popped up. Tears sprang to my eyes. No. NONONONONO. Fuck!!!!!!!!! Quinn watched me. “Mom. What’s wrong?” I just looked at him. “Nothing baby. Just a little sad. Just a sad day.” Your daddy came home to the rescue. I slipped out for a dark run. I had sent our favorite lovie an FUC (fuck you cancer) text which in turn, made my phone ring 10 minutes later.

Mr. Sparkly Eyes:”Where are you?”

“I’m running.” which was true but I was also running while crying hysterically so I know what I sounded like.

Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “I need you to stop. Stop running. Please go and sit down somewhere and listen to me.”

I sat. I listened. I also screamed, cried, sobbed, and yelled into the phone.

But I calmed down. I also laughed at something ridiculous that was said. I was also told not to give up. That FUC is nowhere close to being done. I stopped crying. I told him thank you. I looked up at the sky thanked you, for our lovie too. I promised you two I won’t ever give up. I won’t break my promise.

I continued my run. I didn’t listen to my music. I talked out loud to you instead. I begged you to keep working as hard as you are working…. I begged you to continue to push me. I begged you to watch over our little friend. I begged you to take care of some things up there, so I could take care of some things down here. I screamed how I never wanted this. How I only wanted you. I screamed that I would fix this because your death, will not be for nothing. I imagined living this life, with you again, but next time it happens and you get this disease, there will be a cure so you won’t have to die again. I just want you back now. I don’t want to have to wait to see you, until it is time.

I’m tired. I’m sad. But I don’t have a choice. This is not me, Ronan. I don’t want to do any of this, but I will. I will do this, because you are the one pushing me. I know this. I will listen to you for the rest of my life. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

8 Months so a Skydiving we will go, Ro.

Ro baby. I didn’t die today. I really thought I was going to. I woke up this morning, knowing what the day had in store. I didn’t dare tell your brothers what I had planned. Your daddy chose to ignore my danger day and left the house the way he always does; by kissing me goodbye and telling me to have a good day. We had talked on Thursday night about the skydiving I had planned for Monday. Well, we didn’t actually talk about it…. I more just told him I was doing it. He said to me, “Don’t you think we should sit down and have a discussion about this?” I said, “We’re having a discussion now. I’m going skydiving on Monday.” He said he didn’t want me to go. That I could die. I told him that I could die crossing the street. He didn’t think that was a very good argument. He made his feelings known that he didn’t like the idea and we left it at that. We didn’t talk about it again until after I made it safely to the ground today. Your daddy knows how I am, once I get an idea in my head. There is no stopping me. Especially not now. Your daddy knew I was a handful before losing you, Ro. Now the word handful has taken on a whole new meaning. Yowzer. At least I keep things spicy, right baby doll;) Extra spicy just for you.

I woke up  this morning like it was just another normal day, without you. I got your brothers ready and Mandy Bee came over to help me as she was my danger crusade sidekick for the day. She packed your brothers lunches while I ran around the house, trying to get ready. I knew I wanted to take you with me, but there was no way I was going to bring your heavy locket, skydiving. I went and got a small ziplock bag and opened up your Urn. I put my hands inside and went to grab some of your ashes. I grabbed something hard instead. It looked like one of your little bones. I dropped it back into your Urn. I looked down at it, didn’t want to touch it, but then thought to myself there is a reason I was supposed to touch that today. I scooped it up and put it in my little baggie and zipped it up in the pocket of my coat. I didn’t throw up, but paced back and forth, crying instead. I quickly pulled it together so I could get your brothers off to school. I didn’t want them to see me so upset as they would have worried. We hopped in Mandy’s car so we could drop off Liam and Quinn. I hugged and kissed them both and told them how much I loved them and to have a wonderful day.

As we drove off, I got really quiet which is always the first clue that I’m a mess in my head. My silence screams my pain. Mandy asked what was wrong, besides the obvious. I didn’t answer at first but stared out the window instead. After a minute or two, I pulled out your ashes told her the story and starting bawling that I couldn’t believe you, my baby, were in a plastic fucking baggie. She just held my hand, listened, cried, and we talked about how fucking fucked up all of this is. What else could she have said? Nothing and she knows that. That’s the thing I love most about that Mandy Bee. She never tries to make things better with bullshit words. She knows she can’t so she just lets me be. We drove to Eloy and it was mostly a quiet drive. We both started to freak out as we got closer, talking about how we couldn’t believe we were going to jump out of a plane. I told her I fully expected to die. She told me I was not dying on her watch so to shut the fuck up. I just laughed and told her that I thought I was going to and I was o.k. with that. As soon as we started to get closer, we looked up and saw about 10 parachutes falling from the sky. The excitement started to kick in. We checked in, watched a short video and signed a ton of paperwork in regards to our life. Or our death. We sat and signed our lives away without thinking twice. We went and got suited up, met our partners in crime and listened as they gave us very little, but informative instructions in regards to tandem jumping with them. I guess knowing less is better so that way you don’t over think it. I chose to not over think anything at all today. I only thought about you the entire time.

The guy I jumped with was named Jason. I liked him instantly. He was young, tattooed, a great smile, and the icing on the cake was his beautiful blue eyes. I instantly felt like you were there, holding my hand, once I met Jason. As you yourself, had hand picked him out for me today to jump with because you knew he would keep me safe. I know this was one of the reasons why I didn’t ever feel scared or panicked. I felt a peacefulness and a calmness that I have not felt in so long. We waited our turn and climbed on board of the plane which held about 20 people. Up and up we went. It was SO HIGH, Ronan. I had one moment as I was looking out the window of the plane that I thought, “What the FUCK am I doing?” But then I remembered that today, was your 8 months. Today, I remembered that it has been 8 months since I last kissed your lips. Today, I remembered that because I have faced my worst fear in life, that I have have nothing to fear anymore. 13,000 feet up in the air we went and I could have not felt more content or calm. My head has not been this quiet since before losing you. There were no screaming voices today in my head. Only pure silence. Jason was preparing me to jump. He was strapping me to his body and as he was putting me in-between his legs, he said something that was so inappropriately wrong, that it made my entire day and night because it was that raunchy, perverted and hilarious. It made me forget the fact that I was about to plummet to my death. I told you I knew you had picked just the right guy for me today, Ro. You know my sense of humor so well. I looked at Mandy as I was getting ready to jump out of the plane, first. She screamed,  “I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” I looked back at her, flashed her a smile and said, “I LOVE YOU MOOOOORRRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jason stood me up at the open door of the plane and told me to look up. ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!! We jumped. We fell. We flew. We became one.  I screamed, laughed, flipped off the camera man who was taking a video of the entire thing. I screamed “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!” I yelled, “I LOVE YOU, RONAN!” We fell, in the sky without our parachute being open for at least a minute. It was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had, besides being your mama. I wasn’t ever scared. I wanted to free fall, forever. It  didn’t feel like I was falling from the sky. I felt like I was floating. I felt closer to you today, then I have since you’ve been gone. Jason pulled the parachute after a minute or so. After that, we were able to talk while we floated all around in the sky. He pointed out the mountains in the horizon. I asked him how I did and he said amazing. I told him all about you and how I was doing this, for you, because of you. Because you’ll never have the chance so now I have to do things like this, for you. If you were still here I would have NEVER done this. But now I wonder why not? It was the most freeing feeling that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m only sorry it took you dying, for me to do something like this. The landing was easy, and Mandy Bee was waiting for me. She came running over, jumped in my lap and kissed me smack on the lips. It was one of the top 5 BEST days, of my life.

Today, I didn’t feel like I was buried alive. I didn’t have a hard time breathing. I felt happy. I felt fearless. I felt free. I said to myself, If I can jump out of a plane for Ronan, I can do ANYTHING. I meant that today. All I wanted to do today was to get back into that plane, and jump again. I jumped up and down with Mandy on the ground, instead. My Mandy Bee who is afraid of heights, Ronan. Afraid of heights, but didn’t think twice about going with me when I put this out there about a month ago. My Mandy Bee that you never got to know, but it is because of you that I have found my fearless soul mate in life. The friend who holds on to me the tightest when all I want is for her and everyone around me to let go. The friend that is not scared of my dark side that often exists. The friend who doesn’t judge. The friend that trusts me, embraces my crazy ideas, and thinks I am capable of anything and everything. Thank you for her. Thank you so very much. You have no idea, how many times she has saved me. I don’t know how I would be doing any of this without her. I am so glad I don’t have to.

After our jump of death. Or jump of life…. whichever you prefer… we went and grabbed lunch at your favorite place, Chelsea’s Kitchen. Mandy Bee also went grocery shopping with me, which you know I don’t do well with. I would rather jump out of a plane any day then tackle the grocery store. It helped having her there so much. I’m learning that I do indeed need help with things and for now, grocery shopping is one of them. I’m learning that it is still o.k. to ask for help, especially now that you are gone. It’s too hard to go there alone and without you. So Mandy shopped with me. We rode on the carts like I would have done with you. Remember how you would sit in the cart and I would push you so fast and crazy? You would giggle with fits of laughter. I pushed my cart fast and crazy for you today, only I was the one riding on it. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you got cancer and I couldn’t make you better. I’m sorry I have to live without you. But thank you for letting me live today and making me feel like it might be o.k. That it won’t hurt so badly, everyday without you. I know I can’t jump out of a plane everyday to have good days like this. I hope you can give me some ideas on how else to ease the pain. I’ll be here waiting to hear from you.

I went for a 6 mile late run tonight too. The moon was so full and beautiful. I yelled up at it that I loved you. I know you heard me. I know you hear me all the time. I love you baby doll. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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All Good Things are Wild and Free

My friend, Samya, is amazingly talented. She has designed a tee-shirt, inspired by Ro, and children everywhere, sick or not.  Until the end of the month 15% of sales will go to Ronan’s Foundation. You can order any shirt, any style. Support Ronan by wearing the raddest shirts around. She’ll even make an F U Cancer, one!!
Thanks Samya<3
Below is what she had to say about the new shirt and how she was inspired.
all good things are wild and free. -henry david thoreauIf we are lucky, as adults, we will still feel this way…we will still be this way. We will love wildly, we will give our hearts and be selfless. We won’t strive harder to drive a range rover than we will to dance in the rain with our children. We can make choices as adults to live this way. This is why this quote fills my heart…kind of like when I hear that’s it’s okay to march to the beat of a different drum…because that’s always how I’ve been. Always heard a different beat, always needed to be wild and free.But this quote also breaks my heart. Because if there is one thing that is certain, it’s that children should be able to be wild and free. They should be able to be careless, they should be able to jump in puddles and color on the walls. They should be able to be utterly wild, and free. This year I have been faced with three important women in my life whose children have been diagnosed with cancer. Two of their little girls, Mia and Elizabeth, are fighting for their lives. One, a little three year old named Ronan Thompson, lost his battle, and he is now an angel in heaven. Ronan’s mom Maya Thompson has a blog called RockstarRonan.com, and she has made it her mission in life to raise awareness and funds for Childhood Cancer. Maya and Ronan, and Sandra and Mia, and Heidi and Elizabeth have changed my life. I work less, I play with my children more. I have less rules, I give more kisses. I know that ALL GOOD THINGS ARE WILD AND FREE, and I won’t take for granted that my children and I will always be able to live like that.

When you wear this shirt, I don’t want you to be sad, I don’t want you to think of Cancer, I just want you to try to live the words that Thoreau wrote. Forget what’s unimportant. Be nice, smile, let the other car go ahead of you in traffic. Be who you were meant to be before all the other stuff got in the way.

I handscreenprint Thoreau’s beautiful words onto a super soft, rather sexy backless flowy burnout tee. The tee is cropped in front and long in the back, and it is backless. Available in S,M,L,XL. I am wearing a Large in the photos, I like them extra flowy. The color is oatmeal heather and you can choose your ink color. I used lipstick pink on this one. *****In NOTES TO FIREDAUGHTER when you are checking out, please indicate desired size and ink color.

A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo