Ronan. All I want for this Valentine’s Day (aka the STUPIDEST holiday ever) is you back. Since that cannot happen, I am going to work really hard to make ROentine’s Day, somewhat nice. I’ve ordered our cupcakes to drop off to our lovies at PCH tomorrow since that is what we did last year. I am going to do it again for you, this year. Your daddy asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow night. I looked at him like he had 12 heads and said, “Not unless you are letting me go out, armed with a machete.” He said he would not, so we will stay in. Although going out, with a machete sounds like much more fun. You know, I wonder if I will like ANY holiday again. Halloween still seems alright… because it was your favorite. I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Now, it seems extra stupid but that could just be because I am a mad/sad/angry/crazy mama now. Or it could just because I have always thought a holiday to celebrate, “LOVE,” was a commercialized scheme to buy overpriced red and puke me now pink shit. We should be celebrating love everyday. Especially if we have all of our kids. I don’t have that anymore so I get a hall pass to do whatever I want. So now, Valentine’s Day is for suckers and ROentine’s Day will take over. What will we do tomorrow? We will not wear pink. We will not wear Red. We will maybe wear all black because my heart now feels dead and black. But we will do nice things for other people. We will do something to make someone else, smile. We will drop off your cupcakes. We will not buy flowers which are a waste of money and all they do is DIE. Fuck flowers too. Add it to my list of things I hate. No flowers. Flowers are too pretty for our black broken soul.
Quinn has been sick the past couple of days. I’ve been playing the very patient, loving, nurturing mama role. Today, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough and only want you back so I can take care of you and your cancer. His cold/stomach ache is wearing thin on me. I had that moment, where I panicked and thought his stomach ache actually meant he has a mass in his tummy and it is cancer. I took him to the doctor to have him checked out. We were sent home with its nothing. We are of course, always skeptical as our mind now thinks it is the worst thing possible. Isn’t it fun, living in the world of your child died from cancer so now everyone is dying, too?? Love this life, Ro baby. It’s amazing.
What else has been going on???? Just the usual madness. Went hiking yesterday. Put on my Van Fuckin Halen shirt. Your daddy looked at me. “You cannot wear that hiking. Why do we always have to have these conversations?” I just looked at him. “Ronan is dead. I can do whatever I want. I’m wearing it hiking today.” I left the house in my shirt. Only one lady said something to me. She said, “Van who?” I said, “Van FUCKING Halen, lady!” She laughed. Ha! A stranger with a good sense of humor. I went with Mia’s mama, Sandra. So I had an extra reason to wear that shirt yesterday. Two cancer mama’s. One with a baby who is dead, the other mama with a baby who is in a wheelchair from her cancer treatments. I was prepared to defend us if we needed it. We didn’t. Everyone on that mountain knew better than to mess with us. They could probably see the anger/sadness in our eyes. I can guarantee you, we were the two most broken-hearted mama’s there. But it was nice to be with Sandra. We will have an unspoken bond/friendship for the rest of our lives. But I wish it didn’t happen this way.
Today, I stayed at home with Quinn. I was in the middle of my own pity party when a little text message popped up. Tears sprang to my eyes. No. NONONONONO. Fuck!!!!!!!!! Quinn watched me. “Mom. What’s wrong?” I just looked at him. “Nothing baby. Just a little sad. Just a sad day.” Your daddy came home to the rescue. I slipped out for a dark run. I had sent our favorite lovie an FUC (fuck you cancer) text which in turn, made my phone ring 10 minutes later.
Mr. Sparkly Eyes:”Where are you?”
“I’m running.” which was true but I was also running while crying hysterically so I know what I sounded like.
Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “I need you to stop. Stop running. Please go and sit down somewhere and listen to me.”
I sat. I listened. I also screamed, cried, sobbed, and yelled into the phone.
But I calmed down. I also laughed at something ridiculous that was said. I was also told not to give up. That FUC is nowhere close to being done. I stopped crying. I told him thank you. I looked up at the sky thanked you, for our lovie too. I promised you two I won’t ever give up. I won’t break my promise.
I continued my run. I didn’t listen to my music. I talked out loud to you instead. I begged you to keep working as hard as you are working…. I begged you to continue to push me. I begged you to watch over our little friend. I begged you to take care of some things up there, so I could take care of some things down here. I screamed how I never wanted this. How I only wanted you. I screamed that I would fix this because your death, will not be for nothing. I imagined living this life, with you again, but next time it happens and you get this disease, there will be a cure so you won’t have to die again. I just want you back now. I don’t want to have to wait to see you, until it is time.
I’m tired. I’m sad. But I don’t have a choice. This is not me, Ronan. I don’t want to do any of this, but I will. I will do this, because you are the one pushing me. I know this. I will listen to you for the rest of my life. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
4 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day is for Suckers”
Speaking of Push, had the very good fortune of seeing Lenny Kravtiz last night in Phoenix. His closing set began with this song and his authentic words about Whitney. Please carry on. xoxo
I am every mistake I have ever made. I am every person I have ever hurt. I am every word I have ever said. I am made of flaws. BUT I have learned from my mistakes. I have apologized to every person I have hurt. I think before I speak to not hurt someone with my words. I am working on my flaws to be a better person. I do not rant or rave. I do not expect everyone to conform to my beliefs for we are all individuals and must learn in our own time and follow our own path. May what I do have a positive effect on all those I come in contact with. I may slip but I will not fall.
I, stand outside the door of your heart and knock. I see you locked up in your private place of pain, but I won’t force my way in. I will continue to wait patiently outside until your ready to let me in. I long to hold you in my arms, wipe away your tears, and tenderly encourage you with my love and truth. I will continue to knock even when you turn a deaf ear. I won’t stop calling to you from outside the door of your prison of pain. You do not have to answer, but I won’t give up because I love you. I know your heart’s cry is for the wholeness and healing that only I can bring. It’s not too late, My princess. Today you can unlock the door in the darkened room of your heart and let Me come in. Like warm light and a gentle breeze, I will refresh and nourish your soul.
Your King and your Key to Freedom
Happy ROentines day momma!