The Death of a Domestic Goddess

tumblr_medw43k3Ar1qzdeblo1_500Ronan. I don’t sleep well. I know this is not healthy, not good for me or Poppy, but every single night this is how it goes. I fall asleep easily enough for a few hours. Then like clockwork, I am wide awake and cannot fall back asleep. How do you sleep peacefully when you have a dead child? Does anyone? Your daddy seems to. Maybe it’s because I’m your mama, that I don’t. Because my primal maternal instinct just takes over. I feel like a caged animal, searching for you. I wonder if this is how animals at a zoo feel that have been separated from their young. I’ll bet it is pretty similar.

Today, I did a lot of normal things that I don’t really enjoy anymore. Much of them consisted of being domestic. I have a hard time with that in this new life of mine. I did the whole Costco trip which I never do anymore because it give me so much anxiety. Today, I did it with a friend, so it wasn’t so bad. I came home, unloaded groceries, got dinner ready for tonight and finished up all the laundry that needed to be done. The laundry that I used to love to do, but now I loath, due to not getting to wash all of your clothes, too. I picked up your brothers from school. We came home, I made them a snack, we did their homework, etc… I was feeling pretty beat down/tired like I seem to be feeling a lot these days. Grief and pregnancy are not my cup of tea. I had a hard time being pregnant back in my life before knowing what it was like to have a dead child as well as being pregnant, too. Being pregnant with this Poppy girl just seems to make my pain for missing you, much more intense. I am officially a little over halfway in this pregnancy. I wish I could say I felt great, but I don’t. I feel miserable. Tonight, as I was taking a bath I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll survive being pregnant. I think I might die, from hurting so much.” I had a flash of death, like I often do. But then I thought of your brothers of course and that always seems to put me back on track. I know one thing, for sure. I cannot do this again. I cannot have another child, after this. It has all been too painful, and too much. I just need these next 4 months to fly by fast, please. I know I will be alright once Poppy is here, safe and sound. I cannot wait to have a little insomnia buddy to hang out with me;)

I think a lot of my problem is my mind is constantly wound up. I have such a huge to do list in front of me, that my mind is constantly thinking of things to do or that need to be done. The Neuroblastoma Center being at the top of it. Barb from NPR asked me if I thought this center was a reality. I told her without a doubt, it is. She asked me how I was going to get it done. My reply to her was, “I’m not exactly sure. All I know is I have someone very powerful behind me on this, that being Ronan, and I’m just going to follow his lead.” As long as I trust in you, I know this dream will become a reality. Do you know how much I believe in your foundation and what we are doing, Ronan? So much so, that when I was working through the details of where the money was going to go from the song Taylor wrote for you, I made the choice to have everything that came our way from iTunes, go to your foundation. I know I could have used it for our family, for your brothers’ college savings account or Poppy’s new room… but I didn’t. Because I believe that helping to save these kids’ lives, by giving them the best chance possible, is the most important thing in the world. Everything else can wait. These kids cannot and I will not stop trying to fix this world, until it gets drastically better. I know this center will do this. I know what needs to be done, to make these lives a little better for these kids so they don’t feel like they are just another number, the way we often did. I know this is going to take time. I am trying to be as patient as I can. I realize I am dealing with a lot, on top of trying to get this center figured out. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I am doing everything I am doing. But then I remember, I am living without you every single day. There is nothing harder than that.

We are going to see your Nana and Papa for Christmas. That cannot come soon enough. It has been unseasonably hot here and it’s starting to make me really hostile. I need a break from the sun. I need to get to Washington, where I feel like I can actually breathe for a change. I need the rain, the gloom, and the fresh air. I need the safe house I grew up in, with the best parents ever. I need to watch the way your brothers are so happy in the presence of your Nana and Papa and vise versa. I need the love that fills that house and where I feel the most loved. I am counting down the days, already. I know we all are.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow and not getting enough sleep is not going to help me to be productive. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.


12 thoughts on “The Death of a Domestic Goddess”

  1. Whenever the cancer centre is ready, you can be sure that all of your loyal blog readers will be there to support you all. I can’t wait; I know it will be amazing.
    Hope you get some sleep

  2. I love how you are
    real!!!! I am struggling with grief as well and people have backed off talking with me. I suppose it’s because I am mow unintereating. Grief is such a journey. Thank you for sharing yours

    1. Donna,
      I’m not sure if people back off because of that or if they don’t know how to talk to you. Before my first major loss, I didn’t know if the other person even wanted to see anyone. But being the un-ladylike person I am, I just talked anyway, hoping it was okay. I remember “the looks” people have when they look at you, like they’re expecting your head to spin around or something. Because my 31 year old brother died by accidentally hanging himself (auto-erotic asphyxia, aka “choking game”) the church members were worst of all. It’s like there’s a proper way to go. I guess that would have been my 34 year old sister – cancer. I craved being around “normal,” where I knew that life, such as it was, would go on. My only advice to anyone would be that whatever you’re feeling is okay. It’s not wrong. There is no timetable, and everybody goes through the journey in their own way. And friends, if you invite us out and we pause, it’s because we’re trying to decide if taking a shower is worth the energy and effort. Just bring the damn pizza over! Or just show up wearing your rubber gloves carrying a bucket of cleaning supplies, saying that you need to work off nervous energy. Most of us feel guilty asking for something, even though you said to let you know.

  3. Maya,

    Your grief is so evident in these last few posts. I can only imagine how painful it is this time of year for you. A lot has been taking place, and I too believe it will be so good for you all to escape for Christmas. I am always thinking of you, Woody, Liam, Quinny and of course your beautiful RoBaby. I hope you find some much needed rest this holiday–and look for the unexpected–because I believe your spicy lil monkey will be letting you know he is always with you. (((hugs))) Kristine

  4. Love to you and your entire family. So proud of all you are accomplishing. So glad you are going back home for Christmas, in a true comfort zone. Try to get some rest….

  5. The Ronan Thompson Neuroblastoma Center!! The question isn’t if it’s going ito happen, it’s about when!! I believe in you Maya, you and Ro will get this done!! I can’t believe what you’re already accomplishing!! I was so proud to share the fantastic news for the study at CHOP with my friends and family. Everyone was super impressed!! You have an army behind you:)

  6. I have no doubt that Ronan’s foundation will build the cancer center, no doubt. I like what Keirstin said – you have an army behind you! Sending you thoughts of rest today. WA is ready for you – fresh and and all. xoxo

  7. RoMama

    I believe in you and Ronan and his center will happen!
    Hope you were able to get some sleep.
    Being with your mom is where you need to be. I miss mine so much!!! #fucancer

    Always rolove

  8. I’m very sorry for all your pain, I wish it all wasn’t real! Just know you have so much support, and so many people behind you on your journey for doing all your doing! Thank you so much!

  9. I believe in you Maya!! The center WILL happen and I know you and Ro can make it happen! You have such a great big heart full of love and I am so happy that there are still people in the world like you. I believe this will happen and I believe you will make changes for these kids! F U CANCER!!!!

  10. Hi Maya 🙂

    This is my first comment. My first comment because I just spent my last weeks reading about you and your familys story. I cant not express how much your story has touched me. I have two babies of my own that I now cherish in a whole new way. I dont yell as much, give more kisses and hugs and just more love in general. Your familys story in such a sad way is so inspirational. I found your story by being a reader first of SuperTys mommas blog. Im a huge lover of SuperTy as well. It wasnt until I heard “Ronan” by Taylor that I finally found your blog. Ive always loved her and always will for doing such an amazing thing for Ronan.

    I hope you are able to read this and just know EVERYTHING you are doing will make a difference . It already has. My sister and I will be going to the childrens hospital in DC (I live in MD) to volunteer as I just cant see living my life without giving back to those babies who are so sick and need some smiles. I hope I can make a difference like you (though on a smaller scale:) I have my Rockstar Ronan Braclets that I wear everyday so I can help spread awareness of what a bastard childhood cancer is.

    Thank you for being you and being so real. Again, just wanted you to know you and Robaby are always in my thoughts. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

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