Though she be but little, she is fierce!

Ronan. Cancer doesn’t rest so why should I? I know I just got home from California, but I am off again. I’m on a flight as we speak. I’ve had this trip planned for a while now, but I just haven’t brought it up. I’m in route to Grand Rapids, Michigan to visit Dr. Sholler. I have some things I need to talk to her about. Some things that the wheels in my head, won’t stop spinning about. I told you I’m not in this to sit back and do nothing. I am in this to do big things and I have some really big ideas. I will share them when the time is right, but as for now I need to keep them to myself. Until I have this master plan of mine, all mapped out to a tee. I’ve been working non-stop on this plan of mine which is actually really all of yours. Everything I do is for you, fueled by you, and motivated by you. I don’t want any of the credit for this is not my plan, it is yours. I truly believe this. This is just the way this has to be. Go big or go fucking home, right? Without a doubt.

I have felt alright the past few days. It was actually o.k. coming home. I missed AZ. I missed our house. I missed my friends, although I didn’t really have time to see anyone. I had time to get unpacked, laundry done, repacked, errands ran, your brothers situated, and off I went to the airport. I am excited for the next few days here. I already have a good feeling about this trip. Although you know I would give anything to not having to do any of this at all. I would give anything to be back at home, taking care of you. That’s all I really ever wanted in life, was to be a mom to you and your brothers. I was so happy doing this. I would like to say a big fuck you tonight to the dickwad, who decided to turn my life upside down, in the worst way possible. I would also like to give a big fuck you to the person in front of me who has been slamming his seat into my legs for the past 3 hours. He’s about to taste the back of me hand. Kidding. Kind of.
I don’t have a ton to say tonight. I think I might have been in a not so good mood today. I think I found myself being bitter and mad at all that I am doing, in the name of my dead child. I close my eyes a lot when I think about this. I see your beautiful face and my heart and stomach both drop to the floor. I stop breathing sometimes during all of this. I have to remind myself to breathe and focus on what it is that I will do, because of you. I sit back and try to block out all the noise that exists in my world now. I sit back and I picture a long dark tunnel with a light at the end. I tell myself not to look sideways. I tell myself not to get distracted. I tell myself I will see you, once I get to the end of this very dark tunnel. You are the light at the end, that will be waiting for me. This takes discipline, self-control and patience. I can do this. I remind myself all the time how brave you were, though out this entire fucking fucked-up journey. How much you loved me. You know what kills me the most, Ronan? That you loved me so much, that you never doubted that I was going to get you better and save you. You trusted me so much that you getting better was never even a question in your mind. I failed you no matter what anyone says. I did. I don’t care how out of my hands this was, I still failed you and let you down. This is why I know I will not fail at this. I will make this up to you in the only way that I can, as of now. I think I would like to run another fucking marathon just because I can. Somebody sign me up. I’m pissed and I seem to take out my anger best when it comes in the form of doing something physical. Can somebody find me something harder to do? I mean, do you know how hard it is to live everyday without you? Anything else this fucking world throws my way just seems easy.
Ro baby. I am here now. I spent the entire day with Dr. Sholler and we had dinner as well. You know who else is the light at the end of this very dark tunnel? She is. She will change the face of this disease. Mark my words. I’ve never believed in someone as much as you, until now. As we were sitting talking tonight, it was all I could do to contain my tears. Tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of regret, tears of all things bittersweet. I wish I could talk more about all the things going on. It’s hard for me to write on here, but not really be able to write. I’ve got to wrap my head around a lot of things. A lot of things that are going to change the world. Are you ready for all of this?? I think that you are. I think that it’s time. I’ll never forget the words I whispered to you, right before you passed away. You were fighting so hard to stay on this earth with me. You waited until I told you it was o.k., to stop fighting. My exact words??? “Come on baby doll. Come with me. Let’s get outta this place.” Your heart stopped right after I said those words to you. You had to go to your other place. You were so brave, to listen to me. I wonder all the time if you were scared. I go back and forth with this a lot. I think you knew it was your time to go to your other place, but I know you were still holding my hand, refusing to let go. I know you are still with me, helping me do all of this. I know I could not do any of this, without you. I love you so much. Thank you for giving me the strength I need, when I need it most. I’m going to try to get some rest now. It’s late and I have a lot to do tomorrow here in this sweet little town with the most badass doctor, that ever existed. I brought her a gift today. One of our little F U Cancer shirts. Her reaction was priceless. She loved it, to say the least;) Lots of things to come, I promise you that.
Look what your lovie, Charisma did for you. She is rocking the red carpet, with one of your little bracelets. She is so beautiful on the inside and out. We are so lucky to have her love. I know she is going to help us change this awful world as well. Thanks, Charisma… for truly caring about my little boy, our family, and wanting to help these other kids, who are fighting this awful fight and who deserve a voice to help them. I love you.
G’nite, Ro. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

19 responses to “Though she be but little, she is fierce!”

  1. if you want to do something harder than a marathon and a lot more fun, check out the tough mudder races. here is a link to their website I think it would be perfect for you! stay strong.

  2. Hi Maya, it’s 1:41a.m. as I read this-you’re in Michigan-? I lost my only Grandson,Drayden Gabriel Boehmer to Neuroblastoma Cancer on June 14, 2012 .It will be 1 week tommorrow, we laid him to rest.As you , our lives will never be the same-I can’t imagine what it would be like for a parent to lose a child; nor do I ever want to-I have a son, Arlan,23 ,my only son who lost his son-, Drayden, who turned 3 on March 17, 2012-he was our lucky charm.I am so worried about him;What can I do? How can I help him? Do you have any advice that you think might help? Maybe someday, or if you ever have a free moment you could find it iin your heart to write him a letter,;knowing someone like you that has been through it-I don’t know-I know it’s alot to ask and you probably will never even read this but as Mother’s who love their children as much as we do-we are willing to do anything for the happiness and well-being of our children.Even though, he’s 23 , he will never stop being “my child” and I will never stop loving him.Thank you for everything you do .You are strong, inspiring and loving and most of all, a W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L Mom and person!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ (Drayden was at U of M, Motts Hospital in Ann Arbor;lived in Rogers City, Mi) Goodnight!

    1. Sue im so sorry for your loss …no child deserves to go through this .but thank god or whoever that we have people like Maya who are going to change this fucked up cancer world ! your family is in my thoughts (((((hugs)))) to you and your son

    2. I am so sorry to hear about your grandson–for all of his and your pain and suffering, my heart breaks. Too many beautiful lives are being stolen. It is not fair.

  3. Sue, I am so sorry for your loss. I am not speaking for Maya as I know she would have her own advice for you and I won’t even begin to understand what it is like to lose a child. But I know that without the MISS Foundation, Maya wouldn’t be where she is today. They have a website and a Facebook page – perhaps you can pass their details onto your son.

    Maya – I can’t wait to find out what you’re up to!!! I know it’s going to be huge and I’m excited.

  4. Sue Im so sorry for your loss 😦 . No child deserves to go through what these poor babies are having to endure ..but thank god or whoever that we have eople like Maya and her mafia who are going to change this fucked up world of cancer so hopefully one day no child will ever have to go threw this ..your family is in my thoughts (((hugs))) to you and your son.

  5. Julie Surerus Avatar
    Julie Surerus

    Wow I guessed you were going to New York, I had no Idea you were coming to my home Michigan! Show Grand Rapids who Ronan is because I’ve been trying for a year to scream his name all around and give everyone I run into his story, maybe Im just not loud enough:) Oh the places Ro goes!! good luck I hope you and Dr. Scholler brain storm some amazing info! FUCK OFF CANCER!!

  6. Maya, you break my heart with your words…your anguish, hurt and disbelief that this is your life is so clear…yet, there is hope in the midst of it. I wish you never had to be on this journey and it takes such strength to keep moving. You are doing it, though, and all of us supporting you are so proud! I am glad there are beautiful good people in your life helping you make things happen. Ro and you are doing amazing beautiful things….

  7. I’m proud of you Maya! I’m praying for you on this journey! Much love as always! xo

  8. You are in Michigan!!! I’m just outside of an Ann Arbor! Oh my goodness I would love to see you and give you a hug! Never thought you’d head this way. If you make your way 2 hrs east to the Detroit area and have any second of free time (doubtful, I know) I will meet you any time any place. So proud of you Maya.

  9. Sue, I am so sorry for your family’s loss of Drayden. So sorry that you know that pain.
    Maya fights for all parents and their kids, grandkids, friends, strangers – so someday neuroblastoma will no longer take loved ones.

    Maya, strength and Rovision make you unstopable! Our hearts and support are with you.

    hugs hugs hugs ❤

  10. Handed out your link today and Dr Shollers information to a newly diagnosed child’s parents. I’m praying to RO that this two year old’s outcome is positive! Thanks for the info and insight. You and Ro ROCK!

  11. Thinking of you RoMama!
    Always Ro!
    Keep kicking cancers ass!!! Fucancer !!!!

  12. Keep on keeping on, you go girl. One thing, you did not fail Ronan, in fact after reading this for a long time you and your husband did everything humanly possible to save Ro, just sayin’.

  13. Hugs to Drayden’s family.

    Always always Ronan. Maya, I believe in you. In all you do. The mouth of a sailor with the heart of the universe. Not only are you standing tall for Ronan, but for all those diagnosed and undiagnosed cancer patients. Thank you for being that force. Always Ronan.


  14. I’m curious about something. You don’t believe in God but believe Ronan is in some other place. How would that be possible without some sort of higher power? I am interested in your ideas on that.

  15. I don’t know if there is anything harder than living without Ronan. For me I did not think there could be anything worse than when our 1st born died. But then our youngest son died.

    So amazing that you found Dr. Sholler. Safe travels. Fu cancer.

  16. Proud of you for going on all these ROventures! You ROCK! Fuck you cancer!

  17. Oh my GOSH, I can’t believe you’re in Grand Rapids. Maya, I met you at the Montelucia last December at the Elf showing and my Quinn and Levi played with Liam and Quinn. I have lived in PHX for 8 years but was born and raised in Grand Rapids. In fact, I’m headed Wednesday for two weeks with the kids to visit my parents.

    Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that the Van Andel Institute is the right place for Dr. Sholler. They are very adament about their goal to find a cure. Having worked for the Van Andels personally, I know they have the ambition to do anything, and the money to make it happen. That combined with Dr. Sholler, you, and Ronan…holy crap. WATCH OUT, WORLD!

    Next time you are in GR and would like a nice place to run, go up to Reeds Lake (in East Grand Rapids) and run around it. It’s a beautiful neighborhood and it’s one thing I miss very dearly about my hometown. Then have breakfast at Wolfgang’s. 🙂

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