We are slammed busy foundation wise here as we are gearing up for September, which is childhood cancer awareness month. You all have been asking about The Gold Party like crazy; and we don’t blame you as last year was a huge success.
This year, we have decided to do an entire GOLD weekend. Please keeps the dates of September 27th and 28th open and ready. We have 2 different events we will be doing as we had some amazing opportunities come our way.
I promise details will be coming soon, but it takes time to finalize it all.
Hope you all are well!
Ronan. Yesterday was a shit storm of a day, emotionally wise for me. I think I spent the day crying for almost 24 hours straight. It’s not enough that I have a dead kid, but sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be saving the world, along with everyone else around me. Most days I can handle it, but then after taking on so much, for so long, I will end up cracking. I had a super intense day of missing you yesterday and I just wanted a day where I could sit quietly, miss you and grieve for you, but I had some other things come my way that I needed to try to take care of. I had a day of feeling like I was doing nothing right, I was hurting everyone’s feelings, and all the expectations that people expect from me… well I just cannot not live up to them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live up to them. It’s hard for me to maintain relationships where people expect certain things of me. I will eventually let someone down, and I’m really hard on myself about that. It’s a kind of pressure that is just sometimes too much on top of all of this so instead, I just shut down and go away. I am just trying to do my best and I am fully aware that my best is often times, not good enough for others. I am always sorry about that and this is why the people who I am closest to in my life, know not to expect a thing. It’s really the only way I can do friendships now. They expect nothing and go completely bananas when I do rise up to the occasion and my hard work seems to be paying off. Take Stacy for instance. We had a phone call the other day with Bret Michaels assistant to get everything lined up for something we are doing with him. Bret has been so supportive of you and this fight, and I am so thankful for that. About an hour after hanging up the phone, I saw I had a message from Stace. I listened to it and she was going on and on about what amazing things I have done, “I am so proud of you. Look at everything you have done, and you just keep going on with more and more amazing things. Ronan would be so proud of you.” I listened to her message, sobbing of course. Her words meant so much as they always do, but on that day especially as the day seemed to be extra hard for me. Stacy called to let me know how much she loves me, even when I can be bratty/hard to understand/crazy/overly emotional about everything related to you; because that’s what true friends do. They don’t want to tear you down, true friends are there to lift you up, especially in times that seem extra hard. For me, those are most days and Stacy never seems to forget that. I am truly grateful for friends like her.
It feels like a lot of people forget that at the end of the day, despite all the good I am trying to do, I am still just a grieving mom. It’s been hard to navigate the people who have come into my life and I’m suddenly having an identity crisis of being paranoid that I have been used and feeling like people have taken our situation tweaked it to their advantage. When it comes to all things you, your life, your death, and everything that has come after, I am so protective and so sensitive to every little thing. I was driving to the airport to pick up your daddy and I was crying so hard I could barely see the road. I pulled over to take a little break and I also wanted to send CC a little text to check up on her as she was suddenly very on my mind. It turns out she too was having a shit storm of a moment exactly when I texted her. I called her and she picked up, crying too. I couldn’t even talk. “What’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong! Talk to me!” She yelled into the phone. Talk I did. Or more like the blubbering cry that I have come accustomed to. I could hardly get any of my words out, but she always knows what the huge problem is and why it is that I will forever be crying. I told her what it was that had set me off. I listened to her, listen. She calmed me down, but was still crying herself, therefore, I continued to cry as well. So that’s pretty much what we did on the phone for a good 45 minutes, was talk and cry and talk and cry. I hung up feeling sad for my friend and sad for myself but so thankful to have the friendship that we do. One where she knows I will never judge her and she will never judge me. I think back about going through all of this and the way Charisma treated me. Like her dying little flower that she would let wilt and die, but she would always be there to water it. I think back to the conversations I had with Charisma after you died, Ronan. A lot. They got me through some really dark times. I remember being on the phone with her a lot, always late at night as I would go outside and pace back and forth. “Maya. I didn’t like that last blog post. I’m scared for you. What can I do? Walk me through your head right now.” I would walk her through things and I always appreciated how honest she was with me about how hard this was, to watch me go through. She never whispered about me, she whispered with me. It doesn’t get much truer than that. That is a good soul. That is a good friend. I know she will always be here to whisper in the dark with me, Ronan. I always do this on the phone with her while looking up at the stars wondering if you can see me. Did you see me all those times, pacing like a wild animal, trying to explain to Charisma the method behind my madness? I always felt like you did. How I hope you still do.
We are back in Phoenix. Summer lazy lifestyle is officially over. It was a good summer, but for me, it was a very intense hard summer as well. Some reasons I will disclose. Some reasons I will not. Let’s just say I have been distracted by some very intense things going on inside the cancer world and on a personal level as well. Summer was hard and heavy, but I imagine it always will be. Your Sparkly said it best after listening to all that was going on when he said, “Darling, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but you cannot save the world.” I know this be that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try.
On my last night with your Nana and Papa, I was sitting on the floor with Poppy and we were all kind of watching, “Orange is The New Black,” (my new favorite series that I am NOT embarrassed to say I watched in an 24 hour period) I looked up to see your Nana sitting on the couch and Papa Jim in his chair.
“Hey, do you guys want me to move back in with you?! That would be so fun!”
They both just kind of laughed and Papa Jim said something like, “Oh, yes! Please do!” In his smart-ass voice.
“I really would. You guys are really awesome roommates.”
I don’t think your daddy would be down with that, but the bottom line is, I LOVE BEING HOME. With my family, so much. We are always so well taken care of and loved there. Thanks, Rosa aka, Mom. You are the best mom on the planet and I love you so much. Thanks for ALWAYS loving and never judging. Even when I was at my worst. We miss you and Papa Jim so much already.
Alright, little man. I need to go now. I’ve got another post to post after this, explaining a little about what has been going on in the cancer world that I am just SICKENED over. It’s something we’ve been dealing with for months, but only now am I going to speak very lightly about it. Why can’t people in this world just DO THE RIGHT THING? Especially when it comes to bright minds who are only trying to save the lives of others.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. I woke up the morning of The Gold Party, sobbing hysterically. I finally saw you in my dreams. You are never in my dreams. It was horrific and left me pretty shaken up for most of the day. I dreamed the entire night, about watching you die. You were in a hospital. You were so sick, that I couldn’t pick you up. You had bed sores all over your entire body. I kept trying to record your voice on my phone, because I knew I would never hear it again. I woke up and tried to put this dream, behind me. It didn’t happen. I came back into bed, threw myself down and cried for you like I haven’t done in a while. Your daddy stroked my hair and asked me what was wrong. It took me a while, to get the words out, about my dream. You daddy listened and then said, “But he didn’t die in pain. He fell asleep in your arms, peacefully.” I wish I could say that made me feel better, but it only made me miss you more. I hate our reality so much. I wish I would have had that nightmare, and still had you to wake up to. That dream will forever haunt me. I hope one day, I can dream about you the way I know you would want me to. In a way that is beautiful and happy, just like you were. The nightmares are awful, but they don’t hold a candle to life here without you.
I have Macy and my little New York hipster, Rachel in town. They are both staying with us. It makes me so happy, to have them here. You would have loved Rachel so much, Ro. Your brothers do. Your daddy does. So does Macy. She feels like part of our family. I try to think about the good things in my life now, this blog of course being one of them for me, just due to all the beauty that has come out of it. I wouldn’t have Macy or Rachel, without this blog. I cannot imagine my life, without them AND without you. They feel like the sisters I never had, but have always had due to the natural bond and connection we have. I love that Rachel volunteered at Sloan and remembers seeing you there, shooting your guns. She is such a good girl. One that will help us change the world and all of this. We all went to watch your brothers basketball game. Quinn was in giggly heaven. Liam was so focused. I felt so proud. I only wished I would have had you there, sitting on my lap. They won their game, again. Those boys are on fire again and I love to watch the way this sport is building their self-confidence. They look so happy, Ro. I know they miss you so much, but I can see happiness from them which is what I need to see from them. They deserve to be happy as they didn’t do anything to deserve losing you. None of us did.
I spent the rest of the afternoon, laying low as I knew I had a big night ahead of me. I took a little nap and got up around 3:30 to head over to The W Hotel to hang out with Charisma. We got ready in her room together. It was a mellow few hours with my friend that I very much enjoyed. She looked so stunning and I was so thankful that she flew in, to host this event for us. I really just wanted her to come and enjoy herself and I think that she did. She got to spend a lot of time talking to our friends and your daddy which I know she loved. The Gold Party was even better than I could have imagined. I knew it was going to be amazeballs, due to all the hard work everyone has been putting in, but everything about it blew my mind. It felt so much like you, which was so important to me. Nothing stuffy or over the top. The evening was laid back with such a good energy filling up the place. I swear I heard laughter everywhere I turned, which you know for me, is so important. It was packed. I cannot believe all the people who came out to support you. I had people fly in and drive from all over the county. Can you believe that? It made me seriously cry. All for you, Ronan. They all came, for you. I am thankful for all the love that you continue to fill this world with. I am thankful everyday, for the people that see the beauty behind all of this pain and sadness. I am thankful everyday for all the people who are going to help us change this awful world. I got to meet so many sweet faces and listen to their kind words. Thank you to everyone who came, helped, donated, and volunteered. Those busy little bees of ours, are the BEST. I spent the entire evening, trying to get around to as many people as possible. It was not a hard night for me, in spite of the reason behind this party. I do really well in situations that solely revolve around all things you. This night absolutely did. Of course, I would have given anything for this Gold Party to never exist, because you were still here. I go over this all the time in my head. I can’t have my way with that. I can’t magically bring you back. This is the way, by doing things like this, that I get to keep you alive while making a difference for others. This is the way, I get to have you still and share you with everyone else who has been so touched by you, that they want to help us too. That is the most bittersweet gift, Ronan. But it is my gift, from you and I am not going to waste it by sitting back and doing nothing. I will forever celebrate your life, your beauty and our love by continuing to do things like this. I just hope everyone at that party took a second to stop and remember why they were there and what truly matters in life. I don’t want our message to ever get lost. Yes, this is our story, but it is the story of so many others out there who have lost a child to cancer, who will lose a child to cancer, who will have a child diagnosed with cancer, who will have a child survive cancer…. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stories like ours, out there. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate based on age/gender/income/if you are a good person or bad person… This could be anyone’s story. I just hope to make this story, a little better for someone else in the future so less people have an ending like ours. I know this is not the end of our story, Ro. But everything would be so much better if I could do all this, while still having you here, because you had survived. I would still be doing all of this, if you were still here.
You know how I know I had a good time at The Gold Party? Because we didn’t get home until 3 a.m. This pregnant lady, stayed out until 3 a.m.! We all came home, so tired. Macy went and curled up in Quinn’s bed. I came in to snuggle with her and giggle about the nights events. Rachel came in a joined us. It felt like a little slumber party. Rachel was saying how she was so excited to sleep with Liam’s cozy brown blanket, that is seriously the softest blanket in the world. I knew which blanket she was talking about. I almost didn’t say what came out of my mouth next, but if you can’t say these things, in front of people that are like your sisters, then who can you say them in front of? “I have something to tell you about that blanket.” “What?” Rachel and Macy both said. “That’s the blanket that Ronan died on.” It was quiet. Macy grabbed my hand. I grabbed Rachel’s. We sat for a few minutes, saying nothing and just cried. No words were needed. I love that about those two. They always know when words are needed and when they are not. I think it was Macy that said next that you would have loved the party tonight. And Rachel quickly chirped in, “But then he would have kicked everyone out and screamed how this was HIS party and nobody else’s.” That made us all laugh. We soon went to bed after our laughing and crying. It was 4 a.m. before I got to sleep. I fell asleep a little restless and a lot sad, like I do most nights.
Rachel left last night and Macy left today. I was sad to see them both go. I will see Rachel next week though during my little New York trip. I can’t wait. I am ready for a break from all of this sunshine. Nothing makes me happier than the crisp New York weather. I hope my rain is waiting for me. This is all for tonight, Ro. I’ve been having a Poppy puking party most of the day and I am wiped out. Thank you again to all of my board members for throwing The Gold Party together. Thank you, Charisma for hosting. Thank you, Danny, for DJing. Thank you to everyone who donated or bought auction items, tickets, tables, etc. Thank you to the BEST photographer and friend, Emily Carroll for her photo booth. Thank you to all of our volunteers, The W Hotel, and everyone who supported The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Thank you to all of our friends who came out to celebrate Ronan. You all humble me. I know Ronan is so proud.
Goodnight, babydoll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
P.S. I have one little thing to say, that has been gnawing at me. I THINK most people that were at The Gold Party, were there for the right reasons. I am sure there are a few JACKASSES, who were not. I heard about a little fight over a certain item that was auctioned off. If what is being said, is true… and somebody was bullied over this item, in the most immature way…I AM SO SORRY to the person who really wanted it, but did not end up getting it. The story that is going around, is pissing me off. I wish I would have been there, to intervene. To know that something so petty happened during a night that should have been full of all things sweet and beautiful, just goes to show there is no shortage of douchebags. Sorry, C. Nobody should be treated that way over a material item. Thank you for walking away.
Here are some pics from the photo booth that night. Enjoy them!
It’s going to be amazeballs! Buy your tickets now or you can also purchase at the door! I hope to see you all on Saturday!
Ronan. Hi. Where are you? How are you not here, snuggling with me? Somedays, I can hang out in your room and not even cry. I then think to myself, what is wrong with you? How can you be in here, and not have a full on breakdown? The love of your life is dead and he is never coming back. You are in his room with all of his things and you can sit in here, and be alright with this? Is life moving on for you, too? The way is has for everyone else? Somedays it feels this way and it is like nails on chalkboard. I don’t want my life to move on. I don’t want my life to be alright without you. That to me is so wrong. But what choice do I have? I have to have alright days once in a while in order to survive this, right? I deserve to have alright days, too. I still hate them, but I manage to get through them. Somedays I even laugh and smile. Not often, but I don’t seem to cry as much anymore. I used to cry, every single day, 10 times a day. Now the crying is less. It is not because I miss you any less but maybe because I am just so used to this pain, that I am living with it a little better.
Your daddy and I had a trip planned to L.A. this week to go to a fundraiser of some friends of ours. Our week was super busy and your daddy has been slammed at work. I have been so exhausted that I have been trying to keep up with things, but all I can really seem to do, is sleep. Your daddy looked at me on Tuesday night and said, “You sure you’re up for this? The drive to L.A. for this quick trip?” I thought about it for a few minutes. I told him I didn’t care how tired or how much I was throwing up. We were going. That our friends were counting on us and we were not going to let them down. I may have thrown in plus, “Robyn bought all this really cool stuff, to do our nails with.” He looked at me, smiled and said alright. We left Wednesday evening at 9:30 p.m. Your daddy was writing motions at his office up until then. We hopped in his car and I let him drive us for 4 hours, after he had worked about 40 hours in 3 days. It was around 1 in the morning when he finally looked at me and said, “It’s 1 a.m. we’ve still got two hours ahead of us. Let’s find a hotel and stay the night.” This was not part of our plan. “No hotel,” I said. “Pull over, I’ll drive.” “Maya, you are pregnant and tired. You are not driving.” I, of course argued with him. “I am totally fine. If I get tired, I promise I’ll tell you.” He pulled over. Into the drivers seat I went, with the music happily blaring. I love long road trips. They always give me a lot of time to think. And think I did.
I got us to Charisma’s house around 3 a.m. I looked at your daddy and said, “Please don’t try to talk me out of doing something, ever again. We are here, safe and sound.” Charisma is away shooting her T.V. show and was sweet enough to let us stay at her place, which just happened to be about 5 minutes away from the venue of the event we were going to. We crashed out pretty hard until 9 a.m. that next day. Dr. Sholler flew into town on the day of the event, that Thursday, and we picked her up at the airport. It’s always a treat to spend time with her. We spend much of the evening, catching up with her and everything that we/she has going on. You know the question I asked her, of course. How could I not?
“You know what I’m going to ask you. What if this baby, has Neuroblastoma as well. I am so scared about that.”
She looked at me in that thoughtful way that she always does. I could literally see her thinking, before speaking, which is something that means so much to me.
“Maya. This baby is not going to have Neuroblastoma. That is unheard of. But I know what you are thinking… that lighting has already struck once. I understand your thought process, but I am telling you, this baby is going to be fine.
I was trying my hardest not to throw my head down on the table and cry. I let myself trust in her words. I cannot believe she never had the chance to meet you are help you. She would have been our best shot at this beast. I know this with all of my heart. That woman has something so different about her, that I will spend the rest of my life supporting her, helping her, and making all of her dreams come true. I know she is going to be the one, to fix this disease. I can feel it in my bones. I believe with my whole heart that she is truly in this, to cure these kids. This is not about money to her. This is not about anything other then her wanting to save these kids. She cares so much. You would not have been just another lab rat to her. You would not have died in the name of research with her. You would not have been just another number and we would not have been tossed out on the streets, to never been checked on again. Fucking assholes.
We went to the event to support our friends. They did an awesome job and I am so proud of them. We are all in this, together. That’s how things will get done. That’s how things will change. It was hard for me to be at this event, I won’t lie. I spent a lot of the night, wiping away the tears. I wished this wasn’t Robyn and Kyle’s story, as much as I wish it wasn’t ours. They are hands down, one of the most amazing couples I’ve ever met in my life. We share a special awful bond that nobody should ever share. They will be our forever friends and you and Ezra, are going to help us do amazing things. I know this, no matter how many people doubt me. No matter how many people tell me, I’m crazy, this can’t be done, it’s too hard. It can be done and it will be done. You fucking died. Kids are fucking dying everyday from childhood cancer. You fought with everything you had to stay here. So, please, tell me again how nothing will change how this world is too hard to fix how nobody will believe in this or trust this or can do this. Tell me that again and I will say to you what I tell myself over and over and over every single day. I have to live every single day without Ronan. If I can do that, I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I know what I am doing. I have a very specific plan and it will get done. I can change this world. It will change. If you knew my son, you would know this, too. I believe in the power of our love. It is the power of our love, that keeps me from doubting anything, Ronan. A love so powerful that the unthinkable can and will be done. I know this in my heart. I know this in my soul. I know this with everything I am.
We drove home Friday just in time to meet some people for dinner at Chelsea’s Kitchen. Some wonderful people who share our same thoughts and visions. Some wonderful people who believe in you and this cause, as much as I do. That’s all I need, Ro. Is people that believe. I spent much of the evening going over our master plan. I spent much of the evening, listening to the advice and help that I so desperately need. I spent much of the evening, feeling thankful for the people that you are putting in our path. I don’t believe in coincidences. This is all you, working away with only the BEST people to help us on this adventure of ours. Thank you for that.
I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. G’nite my spicy monkey boy.
I had a board meeting last night at The W. I am so excited for this party! It’s going to be Romazing! I’ve had so many people ask about the details for tables, which are going fast. As of now, you can purchase a table starting at $700 dollars. This includes: 10 tickets to the party, a bottle of Magnum Champagne and a bottle of Belvedere Vodka.
If you would like to purchase a table, please use the contact info below. But hurry! They are going fast!!!
For VIP table reservations contact VIP@triyar.com or 602-405-0099
Again, here is the link to buy regular tickets. Those too, are going really fast. Thank you so much to everyone who has been buying them!!!
Thank you to my sisters/family/board members who have worked so hard on this. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. This event is going to be so special and fun!
See you all there!
Ronan. I’ve been writing. Just not posting. I know you know why. I’m sorry. Today, I’m doing the candy cart for you at PCH. I think it’s going to take a lot to get me through today. I think I could use you around, to help me. I’ll be seeing lots of little bald heads, but yours will always be my favorite. I love you baby boy. I miss you so much. I promise to post what I’ve been writing, soon. I just can’t right now. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Please somebody come dressed like this.
It’s going to be the BOMB! Tell all your friends! Hope to see you there!!!