I think I’m supposed to be nesting. I’m not nesting.

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Ronan. I miss you so much but isn’t that always the case? I think I am supposed to be nesting now. That is the term used for when you get everything ready for the baby that is coming. I think I am avoiding nesting still as I cannot seem to get a single thing done. For instance, I need to wash all of Poppy’s clothes but instead they have been sitting on your bed for weeks. I keep telling myself today is the day that I am going to get it done, but then it doesn’t happen. Your daddy is so excited for your Poppy sister that it is almost making me mad at myself because I don’t seem to be feeling the level of excitement that he is. What’s wrong with me? He even has songs picked out that he has been practicing on his guitar and singing to and he’s calling them all Poppy’s songs. He’s been asking me if there are any other songs that I want him to learn, to sing to her. I think I responded with, “Can I tell you the answer to that, after she gets here?” I am just so sad that you are not here to listen to Poppy’s songs, too.

We were in bed the other night and out of the blue I said, “Do you think Poppy is going to die?” Your daddy just gave me his normal answer which is, “Why would you say that? She is not going to die.” I think I said something like, “Well Ronan was not supposed to get cancer and die and he did.” That is automatically where my brain goes. It’s not a fun place. It fucking sucks. In my previous life, morbid thoughts like this would have never happened. I know what part of my problem is. A certain part of my brain is trying to protect myself from becoming too excited/attached to Poppy still in case something happens. I wish it wasn’t this way, but there is nothing I can do to change this or control it. I wish I could just push these thoughts out of my brain but even I know I have to just give in and allow myself to think and feel these things. I would not be being true to myself if I pretended to be feeling any other way.

I’ve been keeping myself as busy as my tired body is allowing. Foundation things have been happening. I just had a meeting today that went great but I can’t say much about it as of now. We have some very exciting things in the works and I am so grateful for all of the people who want to help us change things in such a big way. We have not heard anything back from the White House but I promise to announce it when we do. We have the date set for our 2nd Annual Gold Party. It will be September 28th, 2013 so I hope you all will save the date for us. We are just getting started on the details and the planning of everything. I love all of the planning that comes with this. Brainstorming ideas is one of my favorite things. I was so proud of how it turned out last year and this year can only be bigger and better:)

I am trying to be patient with my last month of pregnancy but it’s no secret that I am so ready for your sister to be here. I am beyond full of anxiety and going stir crazy. I can’t take much more of having to be quiet and taking things easy. I just want her here and safe that way I can get back to kicking ass like I’m used to doing but this time with a baby on my hip. That sounds like bliss. I miss having a little sidekick in the worst way possible. I can do anything with a baby on my hip. I don’t do so well with the whole pregnancy thing…it’s never been my cup of tea. I do much better in the world of no sleep because you are taking care of a baby 24/7. That for me is a piece of cake and where I thrive. It’s one of my most favorite things in life.

I’m off and running now. Somehow I got talked into going on a little golfing excursion today which should be a riot seeing how I can hardly stand up straight due to carrying what I feel like is now a bowling ball in my stomach. It will be good to be outside getting some fresh air though.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

A Golden Night All For You

Ronan. I woke up the morning of The Gold Party, sobbing hysterically. I finally saw you in my dreams. You are never in my dreams. It was horrific and left me pretty shaken up for most of the day. I dreamed the entire night, about watching you die. You were in a hospital. You were so sick, that I couldn’t pick you up. You had bed sores all over your entire body. I kept trying to record your voice on my phone, because I knew I would never hear it again. I woke up and tried to put this dream, behind me. It didn’t happen. I came back into bed, threw myself down and cried for you like I haven’t done in a while. Your daddy stroked my hair and asked me what was wrong. It took me a while, to get the words out, about my dream. You daddy listened and then said, “But he didn’t die in pain. He fell asleep in your arms, peacefully.” I wish I could say that made me feel better, but it only made me miss you more. I hate our reality so much. I wish I would have had that nightmare, and still had you to wake up to. That dream will forever haunt me. I hope one day, I can dream about you the way I know you would want me to. In a way that is beautiful and happy, just like you were. The nightmares are awful, but they don’t hold a candle to life here without you.

I have Macy and my little New York hipster, Rachel in town. They are both staying with us. It makes me so happy, to have them here. You would have loved Rachel so much, Ro. Your brothers do. Your daddy does. So does Macy. She feels like part of our family. I try to think about the good things in my life now, this blog of course being one of them for me, just due to all the beauty that has come out of it. I wouldn’t have Macy or Rachel, without this blog. I cannot imagine my life, without them AND without you. They feel like the sisters I never had, but have always had due to the natural bond and connection we have. I love that Rachel volunteered at Sloan and remembers seeing you there, shooting your guns. She is such a good girl. One that will help us change the world and all of this. We all went to watch your brothers basketball game. Quinn was in giggly heaven. Liam was so focused. I felt so proud. I only wished I would have had you there, sitting on my lap. They won their game, again. Those boys are on fire again and I love to watch the way this sport is building their self-confidence. They look so happy, Ro. I know they miss you so much, but I can see happiness from them which is what I need to see from them. They deserve to be happy as they didn’t do anything to deserve losing you. None of us did.

I spent the rest of the afternoon, laying low as I knew I had a big night ahead of me. I took a little nap and got up around 3:30 to head over to The W Hotel to hang out with Charisma. We got ready in her room together. It was a mellow few hours with my friend that I very much enjoyed. She looked so stunning and I was so thankful that she flew in, to host this event for us. I really just wanted her to come and enjoy herself and I think that she did. She got to spend a lot of time talking to our friends and your daddy which I know she loved. The Gold Party was even better than I could have imagined. I knew it was going to be amazeballs, due to all the hard work everyone has been putting in, but everything about it blew my mind. It felt so much like you, which was so important to me. Nothing stuffy or over the top. The evening was laid back with such a good energy filling up the place. I swear I heard laughter everywhere I turned, which you know for me, is so important. It was packed. I cannot believe all the people who came out to support you. I had people fly in and drive from all over the county. Can you believe that? It made me seriously cry. All for you, Ronan. They all came, for you. I am thankful for all the love that you continue to fill this world with. I am thankful everyday, for the people that see the beauty behind all of this pain and sadness. I am thankful everyday for all the people who are going to help us change this awful world. I got to meet so many sweet faces and listen to their kind words. Thank you to everyone who came, helped, donated, and volunteered. Those busy little bees of ours, are the BEST. I spent the entire evening, trying to get around to as many people as possible. It was not a hard night for me, in spite of the reason behind this party. I do really well in situations that solely revolve around all things you. This night absolutely did. Of course, I would have given anything for this Gold Party to never exist, because you were still here. I go over this all the time in my head. I can’t have my way with that. I can’t magically bring you back. This is the way, by doing things like this, that I get to keep you alive while making a difference for others. This is the way, I get to have you still and share you with everyone else who has been so touched by you, that they want to help us too. That is the most bittersweet gift, Ronan. But it is my gift, from you and I am not going to waste it by sitting back and doing nothing. I will forever celebrate your life, your beauty and our love by continuing to do things like this. I just hope everyone at that party took a second to stop and remember why they were there and what truly matters in life. I don’t want our message to ever get lost. Yes, this is our story, but it is the story of so many others out there who have lost a child to cancer, who will lose a child to cancer, who will have a child diagnosed with cancer, who will have a child survive cancer…. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stories like ours, out there. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate based on age/gender/income/if you are a good person or bad person… This could be anyone’s story. I just hope to make this story, a little better for someone else in the future so less people have an ending like ours. I know this is not the end of our story, Ro. But everything would be so much better if I could do all this, while still having you here, because you had survived. I would still be doing all of this, if you were still here.

You know how I know I had a good time at The Gold Party? Because we didn’t get home until 3 a.m. This pregnant lady, stayed out until 3 a.m.! We all came home, so tired. Macy went and curled up in Quinn’s bed. I came in to snuggle with her and giggle about the nights events. Rachel came in a joined us. It felt like a little slumber party. Rachel was saying how she was so excited to sleep with Liam’s cozy brown blanket, that is seriously the softest blanket in the world. I knew which blanket she was talking about. I almost didn’t say what came out of my mouth next, but if you can’t say these things, in front of people that are like your sisters, then who can you say them in front of? “I have something to tell you about that blanket.” “What?” Rachel and Macy both said. “That’s the blanket that Ronan died on.” It was quiet. Macy grabbed my hand. I grabbed Rachel’s. We sat for a few minutes, saying nothing and just cried. No words were needed. I love that about those two. They always know when words are needed and when they are not. I think it was Macy that  said next that you would have loved the party tonight. And Rachel quickly chirped in, “But then he would have kicked everyone out and screamed how this was HIS party and nobody else’s.” That made us all laugh. We soon went to bed after our laughing and crying. It was 4 a.m. before I got to sleep. I fell asleep a little restless and a lot sad, like I do most nights.

Rachel left last night and Macy left today. I was sad to see them both go. I will see Rachel next week though during my little New York trip. I can’t wait. I am ready for a break from all of this sunshine. Nothing makes me happier than the crisp New York weather. I hope my rain is waiting for me. This is all for tonight, Ro. I’ve been having a Poppy puking party most of the day and I am wiped out. Thank you again to all of my board members for throwing The Gold Party together. Thank you, Charisma for hosting. Thank you, Danny, for DJing. Thank you to everyone who donated or bought auction items, tickets, tables, etc. Thank you to the BEST photographer and friend, Emily Carroll for her photo booth. Thank you to all of our volunteers, The W Hotel, and everyone who supported The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Thank you to all of our friends who came out to celebrate Ronan. You all humble me. I know Ronan is so proud.

Goodnight, babydoll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xxoo

P.S. I have one little thing to say, that has been gnawing at me. I THINK most people that were at The Gold Party, were there for the right reasons. I am sure there are a few JACKASSES, who were not. I heard about a little fight over a certain item that was auctioned off. If what is being said, is true… and somebody was bullied over this item, in the most immature way…I AM SO SORRY to the person who really wanted it, but did not end up getting it. The story that is going around, is pissing me off. I wish I would have been there, to intervene. To know that something so petty happened during a night that should have been full of all things sweet and beautiful, just goes to show there is no shortage of douchebags. Sorry, C. Nobody should be treated that way over a material item. Thank you for walking away.

Here are some pics from the photo booth that night. Enjoy them!

https://www.facebook.com/TheFlasherPhoToBooth/photos_stream

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Please do what you can to spread the word!

 

 

Ronan. I love you. I’m sorry. I wish this wasn’t your face because you were here and healthy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. xoxo