A Golden Night All For You

Ronan. I woke up the morning of The Gold Party, sobbing hysterically. I finally saw you in my dreams. You are never in my dreams. It was horrific and left me pretty shaken up for most of the day. I dreamed the entire night, about watching you die. You were in a hospital. You were so sick, that I couldn’t pick you up. You had bed sores all over your entire body. I kept trying to record your voice on my phone, because I knew I would never hear it again. I woke up and tried to put this dream, behind me. It didn’t happen. I came back into bed, threw myself down and cried for you like I haven’t done in a while. Your daddy stroked my hair and asked me what was wrong. It took me a while, to get the words out, about my dream. You daddy listened and then said, “But he didn’t die in pain. He fell asleep in your arms, peacefully.” I wish I could say that made me feel better, but it only made me miss you more. I hate our reality so much. I wish I would have had that nightmare, and still had you to wake up to. That dream will forever haunt me. I hope one day, I can dream about you the way I know you would want me to. In a way that is beautiful and happy, just like you were. The nightmares are awful, but they don’t hold a candle to life here without you.

I have Macy and my little New York hipster, Rachel in town. They are both staying with us. It makes me so happy, to have them here. You would have loved Rachel so much, Ro. Your brothers do. Your daddy does. So does Macy. She feels like part of our family. I try to think about the good things in my life now, this blog of course being one of them for me, just due to all the beauty that has come out of it. I wouldn’t have Macy or Rachel, without this blog. I cannot imagine my life, without them AND without you. They feel like the sisters I never had, but have always had due to the natural bond and connection we have. I love that Rachel volunteered at Sloan and remembers seeing you there, shooting your guns. She is such a good girl. One that will help us change the world and all of this. We all went to watch your brothers basketball game. Quinn was in giggly heaven. Liam was so focused. I felt so proud. I only wished I would have had you there, sitting on my lap. They won their game, again. Those boys are on fire again and I love to watch the way this sport is building their self-confidence. They look so happy, Ro. I know they miss you so much, but I can see happiness from them which is what I need to see from them. They deserve to be happy as they didn’t do anything to deserve losing you. None of us did.

I spent the rest of the afternoon, laying low as I knew I had a big night ahead of me. I took a little nap and got up around 3:30 to head over to The W Hotel to hang out with Charisma. We got ready in her room together. It was a mellow few hours with my friend that I very much enjoyed. She looked so stunning and I was so thankful that she flew in, to host this event for us. I really just wanted her to come and enjoy herself and I think that she did. She got to spend a lot of time talking to our friends and your daddy which I know she loved. The Gold Party was even better than I could have imagined. I knew it was going to be amazeballs, due to all the hard work everyone has been putting in, but everything about it blew my mind. It felt so much like you, which was so important to me. Nothing stuffy or over the top. The evening was laid back with such a good energy filling up the place. I swear I heard laughter everywhere I turned, which you know for me, is so important. It was packed. I cannot believe all the people who came out to support you. I had people fly in and drive from all over the county. Can you believe that? It made me seriously cry. All for you, Ronan. They all came, for you. I am thankful for all the love that you continue to fill this world with. I am thankful everyday, for the people that see the beauty behind all of this pain and sadness. I am thankful everyday for all the people who are going to help us change this awful world. I got to meet so many sweet faces and listen to their kind words. Thank you to everyone who came, helped, donated, and volunteered. Those busy little bees of ours, are the BEST. I spent the entire evening, trying to get around to as many people as possible. It was not a hard night for me, in spite of the reason behind this party. I do really well in situations that solely revolve around all things you. This night absolutely did. Of course, I would have given anything for this Gold Party to never exist, because you were still here. I go over this all the time in my head. I can’t have my way with that. I can’t magically bring you back. This is the way, by doing things like this, that I get to keep you alive while making a difference for others. This is the way, I get to have you still and share you with everyone else who has been so touched by you, that they want to help us too. That is the most bittersweet gift, Ronan. But it is my gift, from you and I am not going to waste it by sitting back and doing nothing. I will forever celebrate your life, your beauty and our love by continuing to do things like this. I just hope everyone at that party took a second to stop and remember why they were there and what truly matters in life. I don’t want our message to ever get lost. Yes, this is our story, but it is the story of so many others out there who have lost a child to cancer, who will lose a child to cancer, who will have a child diagnosed with cancer, who will have a child survive cancer…. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stories like ours, out there. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate based on age/gender/income/if you are a good person or bad person… This could be anyone’s story. I just hope to make this story, a little better for someone else in the future so less people have an ending like ours. I know this is not the end of our story, Ro. But everything would be so much better if I could do all this, while still having you here, because you had survived. I would still be doing all of this, if you were still here.

You know how I know I had a good time at The Gold Party? Because we didn’t get home until 3 a.m. This pregnant lady, stayed out until 3 a.m.! We all came home, so tired. Macy went and curled up in Quinn’s bed. I came in to snuggle with her and giggle about the nights events. Rachel came in a joined us. It felt like a little slumber party. Rachel was saying how she was so excited to sleep with Liam’s cozy brown blanket, that is seriously the softest blanket in the world. I knew which blanket she was talking about. I almost didn’t say what came out of my mouth next, but if you can’t say these things, in front of people that are like your sisters, then who can you say them in front of? “I have something to tell you about that blanket.” “What?” Rachel and Macy both said. “That’s the blanket that Ronan died on.” It was quiet. Macy grabbed my hand. I grabbed Rachel’s. We sat for a few minutes, saying nothing and just cried. No words were needed. I love that about those two. They always know when words are needed and when they are not. I think it was Macy that  said next that you would have loved the party tonight. And Rachel quickly chirped in, “But then he would have kicked everyone out and screamed how this was HIS party and nobody else’s.” That made us all laugh. We soon went to bed after our laughing and crying. It was 4 a.m. before I got to sleep. I fell asleep a little restless and a lot sad, like I do most nights.

Rachel left last night and Macy left today. I was sad to see them both go. I will see Rachel next week though during my little New York trip. I can’t wait. I am ready for a break from all of this sunshine. Nothing makes me happier than the crisp New York weather. I hope my rain is waiting for me. This is all for tonight, Ro. I’ve been having a Poppy puking party most of the day and I am wiped out. Thank you again to all of my board members for throwing The Gold Party together. Thank you, Charisma for hosting. Thank you, Danny, for DJing. Thank you to everyone who donated or bought auction items, tickets, tables, etc. Thank you to the BEST photographer and friend, Emily Carroll for her photo booth. Thank you to all of our volunteers, The W Hotel, and everyone who supported The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Thank you to all of our friends who came out to celebrate Ronan. You all humble me. I know Ronan is so proud.

Goodnight, babydoll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


P.S. I have one little thing to say, that has been gnawing at me. I THINK most people that were at The Gold Party, were there for the right reasons. I am sure there are a few JACKASSES, who were not. I heard about a little fight over a certain item that was auctioned off. If what is being said, is true… and somebody was bullied over this item, in the most immature way…I AM SO SORRY to the person who really wanted it, but did not end up getting it. The story that is going around, is pissing me off. I wish I would have been there, to intervene. To know that something so petty happened during a night that should have been full of all things sweet and beautiful, just goes to show there is no shortage of douchebags. Sorry, C. Nobody should be treated that way over a material item. Thank you for walking away.

Here are some pics from the photo booth that night. Enjoy them!


14 responses to “A Golden Night All For You”

  1. I so freakin love those photos… And again, I’m so glad I was able to be at the event, and meet you. Thank you for being so wonderful. I still think it sucks the party happened because Ronan died. But it was beautiful, because of him.
    Eff cancer… 💪

  2. We has such a great time at the party and met so many people that were there to support Ronan, your family and every child that is fighting this POS they call cancer. It was so much fun and had so many amazing touches! The Gold dancer, face painting…it was so much fun to be able to play!! The music, the energy…it felt incredible all night long. I wish I had been able to meet you to simply say thank you. Thank you for sharing your and Ronans story- for leading the way for research for a cure – for lighting a fire under my ass..I haven’t felt so inspired and passionate about anything in such a long time. I don’t have kids of my own, but you just have to have a heart to simply read one of your blog entries and want to do something…these are kids for gods sake…they deserve a childhood and they deserve for us to fight like hell for them. A short story that happened to me the other day that let me know I will support the foundation and the fight against childhood cancer for the rest of my life – Leading up to the Gold Party I kept meaning to go to Garage for bracelets and the week just went to crap…every time I was going to go something would happen and I would miss my window. So, the other day I left an interview, scrambled down to Old Town to meet my friends mother for her wedding, screeched into a parking space and threw my sunshade up to change in my car (real classy, I know but I was late). As I pull the shade down and look up, where had I parked? Right in front of Garage….really?! How does that happen? I think it was a sign that this is what I need to support…this is where my extra time and energy goes to. Maya your blog caught my attention just a short month ago…I sat at work for 4 hours and read, cried and wondered what I can do. The Gold Party was amazing and the foundation is only going to get bigger and gain more attention!! You have inspired so many people. Thank you to you, your family and of course, your little Ronan. He must be so proud!

  3. RoMama,
    I hope you dream with your blue eyes spicy monkey. And you can hear his squeaky voice. No more nightmares!!! 😦

    Best of luck & fun in NYC!!!
    Can’t wait to read all about it 😉
    Rolove always!!!

  4. LOVING the photos! Can’t wait until the day I can attend one and meet you and all the amazing members of your Mafia that I have come to know and love through all of this. Love you xo

  5. Hi! My name is Darian. I just wanted to tell you about something that made me think of Ronan today. I have seen pictures of Ronan here on your blog, and many other places his face has popped up here and there, so I have a fair idea of what he looks like. My mom had twins a little over a year ago now, and three weeks after they were born, Shelby, one of the twins, passed away because they were 3 or 4 months premature and she just wasn’t as strong as Rogan, her brother. My mom and I had just gotten in a stupid petty fight and I had left the house and was living with my friend when this happened, so in turn, I hadn’t gotten to meet my brother at all. It killed me that I hadn’t and that I missed my littlest sister’s very brief life, and my eldest little sister (I know that sounds funny) and I were very close and I miss her everyday.
    My mom and I happened to be at the same grocery store today and we got to talking and I saw my little brother, Griffen, and my littlest brother, Rogan, today. And Rogan looks JUST like Ronan, I kid you not. When I saw him, I immediately thought of Ronan. And how interesting is it that their names are spelled a letter different. I just couldn’t get over it. Those big blue eyes and that blonde hair. No one in my family has that color hair. All of my siblings seem to have those big blues though. It just blew me away! He’s so gorgeous! It was so nice to finally see him! 🙂 It was a great day. 🙂 🙂

    I’m sorry this was kind of random, but I just thought I would let you know. I guess I thought you might just think it was kind of cool, too. 🙂 You’re wonderful 🙂 Thank you.

  6. I saw this poem on the train in NYC and I thought of you:

    West of rest is sleep,
    east, dream
    where waters meet
    north, emptiness,
    south, wakefulness,
    and out, rising up
    to the stars, peace
    Jeffrey Yang

  7. My son celebrated his 7th Birthday on the 29th. We had purple balloons (let them go), wore gold, and are donating some of his gifts to CHOP in Ronan’s honor. As cliche as it sounds, your blog has made our family appreciate every day…we no longer sweat the small stuff and embrace the fact that our family is healthy. Keep up the amazing work Momma!

    1. I’m glad to hear you all had a great time, i was waiting for you to post about the Gold Party like crazy, i know Ronan is so proud of his mom and all the beautiful people surruonding her… I loooove all the pics, I wish someday i could assist to one of your event.

      Loving Ronan, and you for sharing your story.

  8. Maya, I think you had that horrible nightmare because you were anxious about the Party. I’ve been kind of wow’ed lately by all the stuff happening for you — the Taylor Swift song, your invitation to appear on the Katie Couric’s show, and I keep reminding myself that you would trade everything — the song, the articles about you that have appeared online, the Gold Party, every friend you’ve made, every dollar collected, to have your little boy back. To not even think about the word ‘cancer’. To be able to sleep at night in peace, or wake up without sadness with you every minute of your day. I’m still so sorry for you. I wish as a Christian I had an answer for you about why this happened. Please don’t hold it against me….I still believe. Bad things have happened to me too, but I have to believe anyway. I just can’t imagine a world where there is nothing to look to after this. I believe your son is in that place of peace, where people I miss are as well.

    You are beautiful, and lucky that you have good friends and a strong family. Your eyes show so much pain but also so much light and determination. I think cancer made a bad mistake f-ing with you.

  9. Are u doing any public events in NYC? I’d love to meet u but not in the weird “let me jog all night in Central Park to see her” kinda thing. Lol

  10. I love all the pictures! Looks like it was a great night! I’m so happy for you and all of the wonderful things that are happening! All because of your precious Ro! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Much love to you Maya as always! xoxoxo

  11. Maya,

    I have been reading your blog everyday for the past months and all I can say is wow. What a wonderful little man you have. I say have because I know his soul is still with you, I am sure he never left your side! I am devastated that I did not get to know Ronan before he passed but his story either way is still an inspiration. He reminds me alot of my nephew who is now almost 8. If I can find the picture of him when he was younger I would love to send it to you. He looked so much like Ronan. The reason I am writing this is to share a song that I have loved for a long time that was never a very popular song, to my knowledge anyways. It is by Lifehouse and it is called “Storm”. Here are the lyrics but listening to the song is whole lot better. I have not found the version that I have on my iPod online but the versions online are just as good.

    How long have I been in this storm?
    So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
    Water’s getting harder to tread
    With these waves crashing over my head

    If I could just see you
    Everything would be all right
    If I’d see you
    This darkness would turn to light

    And I will walk on water
    And you will catch me if I fall
    And I will get lost into your eyes
    I know everything will be alright
    I know everything is alright

    I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
    So why am I ten feet under and upside down
    Barely surviving has become my purpose
    Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

    If I could just see you
    Everything would be all right
    If I’d see you
    This darkness would turn to light

    And I will walk on water
    And you will catch me if I fall
    And I will get lost into your eyes
    And I know everything will be alright

    And I will walk on water
    And you will catch me if I fall
    And I will get lost into your eyes
    I know everything will be alright
    I know everything is alright

    Everything’s alright
    Yeah, everything’s alright

    I don’t know why but when I listened to this song today it just reminded me of you. I hope all is well and you are finding peace. I am not completely up to date on what is going on in your current life yet, still reading posts from 2011 but I am sure I will be caught up in no time. 🙂

  12. You tell her Romomma ❤
    That was theeeee most ridiculous comment I have EVER read!!! You have no obligations to come on here and read anything so were do you think it's acceptable to make such a tacky, rude, insensitive, pathetic and immature statement??? Clearly you are lacking common sense. I really hope you're embarrassed by your tasteless comment because to be honest I'm embarrassed for you! It's people like you that really make me shake my head!

  13. You looked absolutely amazing in the photos, Maya! How you still sparkle when you’re in so much pain, I’ll never know. You are seriously my hero for so many reasons.

    I also loved how you shut down the jerk who said something on FB about the how much it must have cost to promote the party…he got served. Whenever anyone says anything remotely mean to you, I feel the overwhelming urge to hunt them down and kick their asses.

    I know you’ll never have a normal, good day again, but I hope today is one of the better ones. You sooo deserve it. Keep rockin, mama.

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