A Golden Night All For You

Ronan. I woke up the morning of The Gold Party, sobbing hysterically. I finally saw you in my dreams. You are never in my dreams. It was horrific and left me pretty shaken up for most of the day. I dreamed the entire night, about watching you die. You were in a hospital. You were so sick, that I couldn’t pick you up. You had bed sores all over your entire body. I kept trying to record your voice on my phone, because I knew I would never hear it again. I woke up and tried to put this dream, behind me. It didn’t happen. I came back into bed, threw myself down and cried for you like I haven’t done in a while. Your daddy stroked my hair and asked me what was wrong. It took me a while, to get the words out, about my dream. You daddy listened and then said, “But he didn’t die in pain. He fell asleep in your arms, peacefully.” I wish I could say that made me feel better, but it only made me miss you more. I hate our reality so much. I wish I would have had that nightmare, and still had you to wake up to. That dream will forever haunt me. I hope one day, I can dream about you the way I know you would want me to. In a way that is beautiful and happy, just like you were. The nightmares are awful, but they don’t hold a candle to life here without you.

I have Macy and my little New York hipster, Rachel in town. They are both staying with us. It makes me so happy, to have them here. You would have loved Rachel so much, Ro. Your brothers do. Your daddy does. So does Macy. She feels like part of our family. I try to think about the good things in my life now, this blog of course being one of them for me, just due to all the beauty that has come out of it. I wouldn’t have Macy or Rachel, without this blog. I cannot imagine my life, without them AND without you. They feel like the sisters I never had, but have always had due to the natural bond and connection we have. I love that Rachel volunteered at Sloan and remembers seeing you there, shooting your guns. She is such a good girl. One that will help us change the world and all of this. We all went to watch your brothers basketball game. Quinn was in giggly heaven. Liam was so focused. I felt so proud. I only wished I would have had you there, sitting on my lap. They won their game, again. Those boys are on fire again and I love to watch the way this sport is building their self-confidence. They look so happy, Ro. I know they miss you so much, but I can see happiness from them which is what I need to see from them. They deserve to be happy as they didn’t do anything to deserve losing you. None of us did.

I spent the rest of the afternoon, laying low as I knew I had a big night ahead of me. I took a little nap and got up around 3:30 to head over to The W Hotel to hang out with Charisma. We got ready in her room together. It was a mellow few hours with my friend that I very much enjoyed. She looked so stunning and I was so thankful that she flew in, to host this event for us. I really just wanted her to come and enjoy herself and I think that she did. She got to spend a lot of time talking to our friends and your daddy which I know she loved. The Gold Party was even better than I could have imagined. I knew it was going to be amazeballs, due to all the hard work everyone has been putting in, but everything about it blew my mind. It felt so much like you, which was so important to me. Nothing stuffy or over the top. The evening was laid back with such a good energy filling up the place. I swear I heard laughter everywhere I turned, which you know for me, is so important. It was packed. I cannot believe all the people who came out to support you. I had people fly in and drive from all over the county. Can you believe that? It made me seriously cry. All for you, Ronan. They all came, for you. I am thankful for all the love that you continue to fill this world with. I am thankful everyday, for the people that see the beauty behind all of this pain and sadness. I am thankful everyday for all the people who are going to help us change this awful world. I got to meet so many sweet faces and listen to their kind words. Thank you to everyone who came, helped, donated, and volunteered. Those busy little bees of ours, are the BEST. I spent the entire evening, trying to get around to as many people as possible. It was not a hard night for me, in spite of the reason behind this party. I do really well in situations that solely revolve around all things you. This night absolutely did. Of course, I would have given anything for this Gold Party to never exist, because you were still here. I go over this all the time in my head. I can’t have my way with that. I can’t magically bring you back. This is the way, by doing things like this, that I get to keep you alive while making a difference for others. This is the way, I get to have you still and share you with everyone else who has been so touched by you, that they want to help us too. That is the most bittersweet gift, Ronan. But it is my gift, from you and I am not going to waste it by sitting back and doing nothing. I will forever celebrate your life, your beauty and our love by continuing to do things like this. I just hope everyone at that party took a second to stop and remember why they were there and what truly matters in life. I don’t want our message to ever get lost. Yes, this is our story, but it is the story of so many others out there who have lost a child to cancer, who will lose a child to cancer, who will have a child diagnosed with cancer, who will have a child survive cancer…. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stories like ours, out there. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate based on age/gender/income/if you are a good person or bad person… This could be anyone’s story. I just hope to make this story, a little better for someone else in the future so less people have an ending like ours. I know this is not the end of our story, Ro. But everything would be so much better if I could do all this, while still having you here, because you had survived. I would still be doing all of this, if you were still here.

You know how I know I had a good time at The Gold Party? Because we didn’t get home until 3 a.m. This pregnant lady, stayed out until 3 a.m.! We all came home, so tired. Macy went and curled up in Quinn’s bed. I came in to snuggle with her and giggle about the nights events. Rachel came in a joined us. It felt like a little slumber party. Rachel was saying how she was so excited to sleep with Liam’s cozy brown blanket, that is seriously the softest blanket in the world. I knew which blanket she was talking about. I almost didn’t say what came out of my mouth next, but if you can’t say these things, in front of people that are like your sisters, then who can you say them in front of? “I have something to tell you about that blanket.” “What?” Rachel and Macy both said. “That’s the blanket that Ronan died on.” It was quiet. Macy grabbed my hand. I grabbed Rachel’s. We sat for a few minutes, saying nothing and just cried. No words were needed. I love that about those two. They always know when words are needed and when they are not. I think it was Macy that  said next that you would have loved the party tonight. And Rachel quickly chirped in, “But then he would have kicked everyone out and screamed how this was HIS party and nobody else’s.” That made us all laugh. We soon went to bed after our laughing and crying. It was 4 a.m. before I got to sleep. I fell asleep a little restless and a lot sad, like I do most nights.

Rachel left last night and Macy left today. I was sad to see them both go. I will see Rachel next week though during my little New York trip. I can’t wait. I am ready for a break from all of this sunshine. Nothing makes me happier than the crisp New York weather. I hope my rain is waiting for me. This is all for tonight, Ro. I’ve been having a Poppy puking party most of the day and I am wiped out. Thank you again to all of my board members for throwing The Gold Party together. Thank you, Charisma for hosting. Thank you, Danny, for DJing. Thank you to everyone who donated or bought auction items, tickets, tables, etc. Thank you to the BEST photographer and friend, Emily Carroll for her photo booth. Thank you to all of our volunteers, The W Hotel, and everyone who supported The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Thank you to all of our friends who came out to celebrate Ronan. You all humble me. I know Ronan is so proud.

Goodnight, babydoll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xxoo

P.S. I have one little thing to say, that has been gnawing at me. I THINK most people that were at The Gold Party, were there for the right reasons. I am sure there are a few JACKASSES, who were not. I heard about a little fight over a certain item that was auctioned off. If what is being said, is true… and somebody was bullied over this item, in the most immature way…I AM SO SORRY to the person who really wanted it, but did not end up getting it. The story that is going around, is pissing me off. I wish I would have been there, to intervene. To know that something so petty happened during a night that should have been full of all things sweet and beautiful, just goes to show there is no shortage of douchebags. Sorry, C. Nobody should be treated that way over a material item. Thank you for walking away.

Here are some pics from the photo booth that night. Enjoy them!

https://www.facebook.com/TheFlasherPhoToBooth/photos_stream

Quinn Does Not Have Brain Cancer and I Am Not Dying

Ronan. Quinn does not have brain cancer. Thank you for that. He just suffers from migraines, like your daddy. Brain cancer worries to rest. For now. It was a busy weekend. I spent most of it, hanging out with your brothers. They had a basketball game on Saturday. I felt so proud, watching them. Basketball has become therapeutic to them. Your daddy spends so much time, practicing with them. It’s showing on the court for sure. They are strong, fast, and aggressive. You heard me right. Aggressive. This coming from the two most gentle giants, to walk this earth. As their mama, watching this fire that burns within them on the basketball court, makes me so proud. I know it comes from you. I love watching them play. I hate how my eyes wander over to the other side of the court to where the 5 and 6 year olds are playing. I always picture you out there. You would have been the best player, rocking your Nike headband for sure. I told them after their game, how proud I was. I told them how much you would have loved watching them play and how you would have been yelling and screaming for them. The not having your little squeaky screams around, will always destroy me. Always.

I was tired Saturday, after being out for most of the day. I had a date night with Liam and your daddy took Quinn to the ASU football game. Liam and I cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It’s still hard for me to sit still and just watch a movie. I did it for Liam. I made him a pizza and popcorn. I may have burnt the pizza, but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to have me cook it for him. On Sunday, we had a nice little treat. Our friends, Robyn and Kyle, flew in for the night. Kyle asked Robyn, if she could go anywhere for one night, where would she want to go? She said to see me. I was over the moon about the two of them, coming to visit. They got in Sunday afternoon and we spent the day just hanging out and lying low. Your daddy and Kyle did a lot of guitar playing and singing. Robyn and I did a lot of trying to find me something to wear for The Gold Party (I still having nothing to wear because I refuse to spend an insane amount of money on a dress!) and talking about you and Ezra. I hate that she gets this in what seems to be the exact same way that I get this; but I love this too. I don’t feel so alone when I am around her. I swear to you, she knows my pain almost exactly. She loved Ezra, that much. She knows her perfect life will never exist again, because her perfect life was when Ezra was here. I know that, too. We feel a lot of the same dark things that I don’t really want to share on here. I can go to the darkest of the dark places with Robyn and not be scared that I am being judged or criticized. She is one of the few people I can do this with and it’s all because cancer killed her fucking kid, too. Fuckwad asshole that cancer is.

I took her on a night hike with Kassie and your brothers. I huffed and puffed all the way up the fucking mountain. Robyn laughed at me and the way I had to have my hands on the side of my hips, so I could keep my balance. It is a lot of work carrying a Poppy in my belly. My inner insane workout goddess is not happy, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t do much, so I continued to huff and puff up to the top of the mountain until we arrived at our church. It was dark, quiet and peaceful. We did our little list of the things we were grateful for. Robyn said lists like that were hard for her. They are always hard for me. I made your brothers do one, too. I told them we couldn’t leave the mountain until it was done. They said some cute things. Things 9 year olds should say. Quinn’s last one was he was grateful for his health. That got to me, in a good way and a sad way. I was proud of him for saying his health but it also made me fucking pissed at the world that I know he only knows this, due to you dying. We got down the mountain, in the dark. I didn’t fall. Yay, me. Poppy wouldn’t have been to pleased about that one. We came home and your daddy and Kyle had cooked us all dinner. We gathered around like the unconventional family we are, but nothing has ever felt so much like family since you’ve been gone. Kyle had your brothers in stitches. Kassie just looked like an angel. Robyn just feels like home. Your daddy makes everything safe. Liam and Quinn, remind me of you. Our kitchen table was filled with laugher, pain, sadness, and beauty… all in a very safe, yet dark world that we exist in. I have decided I don’t really feel like I live anymore, Ronan. I exist if anything. I can get by, existing and working the rest of my life to exist in a really, really, really good way. By helping others and opening my heart to these beautiful people, that I am so lucky to know. So lucky for being so unlucky. Talk about ironic.

Robyn and Kyle left today. I was sad to see them go but so glad that they came. My phone rang from my OBGY’s office. I didn’t pick up, on purpose. I had blood work done there last week. I knew they were calling to tell me I had some deadly disease or that Poppy is dying. I listened to the voicemail and called back. My heart was racing. I waited to talk to someone. I was preparing myself, for the worst like I always do with every situation now. I had the talk in my head with Liam and Quinn about how I was dying or how Poppy could not be born. This is automatically where my mind goes and I’m not proud of it but it is not anything I can control. I think I was about ready to hyperventilate on the phone when the lady came on to tell me everything came back fine, except my thyroid looked off. “What do you mean, I’m not dying and Poppy’s not dying!” I wanted to scream. Surely something bigger had to be wrong? Surely the other shoe was going to drop, right?? Not today, Ronan. Not today. Not even today when my very special friend had her very hard surgery. One she thought she might die from. I told her I had talked to you, and she would not be dying. I was right. Everything went great. Thank you for that. You know I could not survive, without her.

I’m going to go now. I’m tired, but what’s new. Seems to be a theme around here. This Poppy pregnancy is for the birds. But I will try to be grateful for this gift that is growing inside of me. I am grateful, Ronan. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, but it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. I wasn’t mentally prepared for all the grief that was going to consume me, too. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xxoo

Our song for the night, Ro baby. It is so us.

I am a HUGE P!nk fan. HUGE. So of course, I bought her new album today. I was putting on my make-up when this song came on. It literally brought me to my knees and before I knew it, I was sobbing on the floor and my make-up was ruined. Listen to the lyrics. I felt like she wrote this, for me. Everything about the song, reminded me of you, Ronan and how hard it is to live this life, without you. Am I crazy? I don’t think so. I think P!nk might have some Ronan/Mama ESP going on. “Little feet, tired of being a fighter, baby blues, parallel universe, beam me up.” Ummm… this is my life.

Everyone should buy her album. It is amazeballs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There’s a whole n’other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill my soul.

 

 

Ronan. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because I’m pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I don’t have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me.  I am tired of being tired and I’m going to fight through this as hard as I can. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I can’t do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Am I pushing things a bit? Maybe, but it’s the only way I feel like I can survive. Hopefully in the next month or so, I’ll have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this.

I spent the day with a friend of mine. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I was in a world that I normally don’t live in anymore. A world of shiny, happy people. I don’t fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. Plus she says the word, “Fuck,” a lot which you know I appreciate. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. It felt good just to be out with my friend. Our conversations area always easy and honest. No need for bullshit or pretending. I don’t function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I never have and never will. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours.

Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. It was a boy. He was so tiny and frail. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. He came in beaming and so happy. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, “Ronan, Ronan, Ronan,” over and over again. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. I don’t know what this dream meant. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. We have about one idea for a first name. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish.

I had a nice thing happen to me today. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. It’s almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. I have a lot of dreams. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. Gladly. Happily. Best news ever. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well.

This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well.  I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.

Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

13 months without you and 9 years with Liam and Quinn

 

 

Ronan. Turns out, I don’t do so well, in Coronado. I don’t think I did so well here last year, and I don’t think I’m doing so well here, this year either. It just dawned on me, a few days ago as to why. It dawned on me, while I had been sitting in bed for the entire day, watching one certain video of you, over and over again. The video is of you, when you were maybe almost two. I shot it right out in front of the beach that we have been playing at every single day, since getting here. It might just be one of my most favorite videos I have of you. Where you are sitting in the sand, you take a handful of it, shove it in your mouth and eat it. I yelled to you, “Ewwww, Ronan!!! Don’t eat the sand!” You looked me dead in the eye, and shoved some more sand in your mouth and ate it, again. I love that you ate the sand. I love so much, that you ate the sand, again, even when I told you not to. I cannot come back to Coronado again, next year. I cannot keep coming to the same place, that we used to take you every year, without you. Not having you here, and trying to make all these new memories in the very same spot I spent so much time with you, is not happening. It’s making me sick to my stomach. I keep looking for you in the pool that I used to watch you swim in, the beach that we used to run on, the grass we used to play in, and you are just not here. This is the last summer that we will come here. I cannot do this again.

I have been taking your brothers across the street every day to play basketball. And I’m not the kind of mom, who just sits on the bench and watches them play. I’ve been playing with them. Engaging, encouraging, running, and jumping with them. Doing it all when it takes everything I have, to do all of this. I was doing fine, until a mom came into the empty gym with her 3 boys. An older boy who was about your brothers age and twin boys who looked to be about 3. I was doing fine, until this mom started playing with her 3 boys too. I looked over at them, laughing and shooting the basketball. I tried my best to ignore them. I was getting ready to make a sweet lay-up, and all of a sudden, I felt like I no longer had the attention of your brothers as I could feel their eyes, elsewhere. I stopped what I was doing to see why it was that nobody was guarding me or trying to block my shot. My eyes fell over to Liam and Quinn. They both looked like they were in a trance and were stopped dead in their tracks, watching this mom and her 3 boys. I did my, “Hey, you guys! I’m going to score on you!” But they both didn’t budge an inch. They were totally engrossed in this mom and her 3 sons. I wanted so slit my wrists, right then and there. I tried to throw my basketball so hard into the backboard, that is shattered the glass, everywhere. That plan didn’t work. That glass is pretty resistant. You know what isn’t resistant? The palpable pain in your brothers eyes. The way I swear I could see your reflection, in their eyes due to the way they both miss you, so much. I did my best to distract the situation at hand and it took everything I had not to just stop and scream at the top of my lungs, ” HEY! LIAM AND QUINN! STOP STARING AT THAT MOM AND HER 3 BOYS! JUST STOP! I KNOW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN US! I KNOW I PROMISED YOU THAT RONAN WOULDN’T DIE! I KNOW RONAN WAS OUR ENTIRE WORLD! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM! I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! I AM SO SORRY NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME! I AM SO SORRY WE ARE ALL SO SAD AND WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM! BUT PLEASE, STOP STARING AT WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND WHAT WILL NEVER BE AGAIN! PLEASE! IT’S KILLING ME!” I didn’t yell that. I gathered your brothers up instead and we left the gym. We came home, I fed them lunch, and then they went off to play with your cousins at the beach. I stayed behind and sunk into bed for the rest of the day. I think I’ve been in bed, off and on, for days now. I’ve been going for some runs, here and there. I’ve been surfing a little. I’ve been crying a lot. Quinn asked why I’ve been sleeping so much. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than normal. I guess not as much sleeping, but more laying in bed, crying. I woke up crying this morning. Your daddy wanted to know what was wrong. I told him the same as always, but today my sadness seemed extra heavy. It wasn’t until half way through the day, that I realized that today is the 9th. 13 months now, since you’ve been gone.

Today, is your brothers 9th birthday. I cannot even believe, it’s been 9 years since I had them. They have grown up so fast, in the best and worst way possible. The best being that up until losing you, they had the best life possible. Since losing you, they have had to grow up in a way that one should never have to grow up. They are more insightful, compassionate, and wise beyond their years due to watching their little brother get cancer, and then die from it. I would not wish their wise beyond their years ways, on anybody. We all did the best we could do today. It was actually an o.k. day and your brothers seemed to have a great birthday. Thankfully, they have your cousins here to take away some of the sadness. They spent the day playing basketball, video games, swimming, and now they are all tucked in having a sleepover and watching a movie. We all dropped your daddy off at the airport tonight as he had to go back to Phoenix. It’s always extra sad when he goes. He won’t be back until next week so I’ll have to figure out a way, to find my pretend happiness while he is away. I cannot just lay in bed, crying all day as your daddy is not here to take your brothers off and away so they don’t see that. Thankfully, your New York Miss Macy is coming in on Thursday for a few days. I can be guaranteed some happiness on the days that she is here. She is the sunshine in my life that always makes everything better. The days are less gloomy when she is here. A true gift from you indeed.

This is all I can write tonight. I’m tired from the day. Happy Birthday to your brothers. I am so lucky to be their mama. They are the best things that I have left in my life, besides your daddy. I love you. I miss you. I wish you could have been with us tonight. I tried not to cry as I watched them blow out their candles. Everything they do, is a reminder to me, of what you are not here to do. I’m sorry, baby boy. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Leaving on a jet plane….

 

 

Ronan and I are flying out on a red eye tonight to New York City. We will be there most of the week getting blood work done and scans. I’ll keep you all updated as much as possible but it will hopefully be a quick trip and we should be home by Friday. Have a beautiful evening. See you soon NYC!!!

xoxo

 

Clinic Day

Ronan and I went off to the clinic this morning to do his usual Monday checks of his blood and platelet levels. Poor little guy is having bad tummy aches from the chemo last week. A lot of diarrhea and him saying his tummy hurts. I talked to “A” about this and she said it is a normal side effect from the chemo and to just watch him. She expects it to last most of the week. If it goes into next week, then we will have to do something about it. As for now, we just have to make sure he is staying hydrated. His counts are dropping, but still look o.k. We will expect them to continue to bottom out until the end of the week, then hopefully they will start to come back up. After the clinic, we went upstairs to meet with Dr. Jan who is one of the psychiatrists at the hospital. We only got to meet with her for about 10 minutes due to Ronan’s tummy hurting and him not wanting to be there. She is trying to help me work on some boundaries with Ronan.

We are still waiting to hear the finalized dates for New York. We should know in the next couple of days. It is going to be here before we know it. I am trying to mentally prepare for everything. As long as I have all my ducks in a row here, I should be fine.

Today, I spoke with Lin Sue Cooney from Channel 12 news. She has been playing phone tag with Woody since last week. They want to do a story on Ronan and our family and asked if they could come to our house to shoot tomorrow early evening. It was very last minute, but I am not going to turn down that opportunity. I will let you all know when it is going to air when I find out. I am assuming they will have to edit, etc…. Either way, I am honored. Channel 12 is the only local news channel I watch. Watch out world, this is just the beginning! Little Ronan is going to bring so much light and hope to this disease…. he will be the poster child for it. We have to find a cure. Everyday I hear of more and more babies not surviving. It is gut wrenching to read about and rips me to pieces. I try to stay away from stories like that, but it’s like a bad car accident…. sometimes you just have to look. As much as I try not to, it is a horrific reality check for me and keeps me focused on what we need to do to keep Ronan kicking cancer’s ass.

Tonight we played a lot of baseball outside. Ro has been running around like mad. There is no stopping my little guy. He runs circles around his 7-year-old brothers. I’ve never in my life seen a child like him before. He is so strong willed and determined. I dream about the day that he can just be carefree and happy and not have to live the life of going back and fourth to and from the hospital.

My sweet friend, Jules, brought over dinner tonight and it is always a treat to see her. We tried to catch up for a bit but it was busy around here with homework being done and Ronan wanting attention. We sat and ate dinner as a family, watched a little football, and Ronan fell asleep around 8:30. He didn’t nap today so he was tired tonight. After he fell asleep, I ran to the grocery store so I actually have food in my house. Ronan has been quite upset that there has been a lack of string cheese around here. We are all stocked up for a while. It’s amazing how much food 3 little guys go through. I seriously need to buy stock in Gatorade.

My friend, Gay, is coming over tomorrow to help me get ready for our channel 12 news story. She is going to help me put away all of our Halloween decorations and things like that. That women is a force to be reckoned with. I am SO lucky to have her as a friend. I hope someday after all of this is over to take a big trip with my very special girls to celebrate them and all they have done for me. A girls trip will definitely be in order and way overdue. We have so many plans for when we are done and over with this bullshit. So much of it is just going to consist of being together as much as possible and enjoying every little second of being healthy and free. Our lives will forever be changed, but we are going to change them for the better. This won’t get the best of our family<3 Nobody can take that away from us.

Last Friday night I went down to my beautiful friend and neighbor, Niki’s for a few cocktails and girl time. Tricia and Jen joined us too and I cannot tell you how good it felt to just be with them. We sat, talked, laughed, cried, and laughed some more. I swear this is the first time I have really laughed in months.  And I mean, laughed so hard that you can’t breathe and your stomach aches and hurts. It felt so good to feel something other than pain. I know I am surrounded by amazing friends when they can get me to feel that way and to just let everything go, even if it is just for a few hours. To my Niki, Tricia,and Jen…. thank you for being the beautiful souls that you are and the sisters I was meant to have. You have no idea how much that night meant to me. The only thing missing was our Lindsey and Marisa. <3 <3 I thought about them the whole night though and it felt like they were there in spirit. I love you all.

To all of you keeping up with Ronan and this blog, I think about you everyday and I am so thankful that you are touched by his story. It is going to be a long journey but it is going to be worth the ride. Sweet dreams, friends. Be thankful for what you have, who you are, and all the blessings you have in your life. You never know when something could take it all away<3<3 I pray that none of you ever have to experience what we are going through… we will walk this walk for you and hope you take the lessons along the way.