Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.


 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why,Β and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well. Β I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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39 thoughts on “Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

  1. Casandra

    Hey:) I just wanted to say I hope tomorrow is a better day for you! I know you’re feeling down but keep your head up your boys need you just as much as Ronan did..have you thought about going to a medium? Maybe that would help. I’m Thinkin about it my grandma passed away in 2004 from pancreatic cancer and I just miss her so much maybe it would be good to hear from her..I was thinking may e it would be good for you to hear from him πŸ™‚

    Xoxo Casandra Sambrano

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Laura

    All our love and thoughts go out to your entire family. Never worry about being able to love enough, you are nothing but love. Day by day things will get better, the sun will come out, and slowly you will feel more whole bit by bit. You are truly an amazing person, I am always amazed by your strength and the amazing things you are creating. Heaven is smiling down with pride. All our love always.

  3. Christine

    I just want you to know that I am wishing I could just hug you right now, so we could cry and be sad together.
    So since I’m a random stranger on the internet, I will just write it out (((hugs)))

    Although this is little comfort to you, I want to commend you on being the wonderful voice to bring awareness to childhood cancer.

    As far as your pregnancy goes, I know you are not big on taking medicine. But taking 1/2 a Unisom (doxylamine) is known to help curb nausea in pregnant women. You may want to discuss it with your Dr.
    If not, that’s totally up to you. I’m just sharing what has helped me. Also, I’m not sure about what vitamins you’re taking, but I know vitamin B6 is also really good with helping. (I’ve had to take both of them at the same time.)

    Hugs to you Maya. I hope you are physically feeling better soon, as far as the nausea and fatigue go.

  4. Tracy Poulos

    Dear Dear Maya, 3 years ago on September 25 th FUCKING Cancer took my 49 year old healthy , fit beautiful husband. I feel your pain. Time will never heal our wound we learn to live with it. There is an ache in my heart, sadness in my soul that will remain all the days of my life. People who have not been through this will never understand the pain . I am so tired of people telling me what I should or should not be doing and how I should be moving on. Getting out of bed everyday and living life the best I know how , I am moving forward , but I will never move on from missing the man I spent 18 years with and still and always will Love & miss. I am so very touched by you, inspired by you and dang proud of what you are doing with your pain. It does get better over time, YOUR time and no one elses , we learn to live with our pain that will NEVER leave us . People die…LOVE never dies , I wish you Peace in your heart. With love Tracy

  5. theonethatgotaway3

    I read every post wondering how on earth can you be so determined to help all the other kids with dealing with losing ro. Honest to god I don’t know anyone that is as strong as you are. I know right now you might not think that but I sure do, and I know everyone else that reads this probably does too. Dont stop doing what you’re doing. We are all here to help you and lead the way. I can’t wait to order my “fuck you cancer” bracelet. I’ve showed your blog to all my friends too and there ordering bracelets too! We all love you maya,and we all definitely love ronan. There’s not a day I don’t think about you, your family and ronan.

  6. Julia

    I was listening to to the radio th other day and the guy played a small clip from Taylors song about Ronan, and he got emotional as he told what it was about. I pulled off to the side of the road to look the song up right away and cried. I now can not stop listening to it, and about 6 hours ago i decided to look for your blog. I cant pull myself away fom the computer from reading this. I started at the very begining and read every single one. Just non stop. I cired my eyes out. It felt like i had just gone through this. My deepest thouhts and prayers go out to you and your wonderful family. I know words cant explain this right now but all i can think to say is I am so deeply sorry, and That this new baby is a blessing from Ronan.<3 best of luck to you and your family. I will continue to read this everyday as i get emails about it.<3

  7. Terri

    “I’m here without you baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time. I’m here without you baby, but you’re still with me in my dreams. And tonight it’s only you and me.” These are words from a song I heard tonight and I wanted to share them with you….they remind me of you and Ronan. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers every day…love and hugs to all of you.

  8. a.

    maya,

    thank you for all you do. i have so much gratitude for you, your work, your passion, your vulnerability and your fucking enormous spirit. reading your words makes me want to hug ronan and hear him laugh, and i am so sorry he is not here. i believe that your openness and willingness to bare your heart and bloody guts and every single fuck you and rant and bloody awful day has brought so much change. it shows that love and vulnerability can move fucking mountains. even inferno ones. you are so strong. everything you are feeling about this baby is ok but i hope you can listen to sparkly and be less hard on yourself.

    so much love to you, and your family, and your ro.

    a.

  9. Glenda

    Always RoLove RoMama!!!
    Hoping the naseau subsides soon!and Lil Poppy is doing well.
    Sweet dreams with your Lil Brad Pitt!
    To the moon & back
    XO

  10. Danielle

    Hey Maya. I, too, started reading your blog after I started reading news stories about Taylor Swift’s “Ronan” debuted. I read every entry from the beginning. The first thing I quickly noticed is that Ronan and I share the same birthday. I believe in signs, the same ones that I know Ronan sends you everyday. To me, our birthdays being on the same day was a sign that I should take the time to keep reading your blog. I find myself thinking about you as I’m driving around running errands, wondering if you would post today, what kind of day you are having. I never really feel like I’m entitled to to comment on your posts, because I don’t want to throw out meaningless words to you unless I feel like I have some sort of profound insight into how you are feeling- which I know I never could. Nothing I could say would probably ever help. But I still wanted to write to let you know that I’m here, to let you know that you have reached out to another person, and touched me, in a way that only Ronan’s beautiful story can. You woke me up and made me aware, and I desperately hope that this blog can do the same with others, because you are fighting for such a worthy cause. By fighting this battle for Ronan, I hope you never forget that you are still being the best mother for him that you ever could be, plus much more, and I hope, that, in itself, can give you at least one extra smile today. I’m not a very religious person, and I always hate to dictate my beliefs to others (because who the hell am I to tell you what to believe), but I do believe with every fiber of my being that your pregnancy is a gift from Ronan, and I know that this child could never replace him, never fill the void, but will give you a new source of joy and love, a different type. I also believe that Ronan will get to know this baby before you ever will, having had a hand in it, and this baby will be uniquely touched by his spirit. He’s going to make an amazing big brother. Even if we don’t share the same beliefs, I hope that maybe these thoughts can provide some smiles as well. Thank you for sharing Ronan’s story. I’ll forever be a follower and supporter!

  11. Janice

    As I sit here tonight for the last 2 hours I have been reading your blog from day 1 and Ive only made it through the first 2 months. I have balled my eyes out and have prayed my heart out for your family and to find the cure to cancer. My husband took the first flight out of PHX today to see his dying father that probably wont live another week because cancer has taken over his body. My husband also had kidney cancer but was able to have it removed when they took his kidney. We have a 1 year old daughter and I cant imagin her having to grow up without a Daddy. I cant even imagin your pain. Since I have learned about Ronan I have learned to love my daughter more and not take for granted all the little things in life. You have inspired me to want to volunteer or try and help people that are going through situations like yours. If you have any ideas I can do with a 1 year old tagging along I am open for some ideas. Maybe one day I can meet you I feel I just need to give you a big hug. That might be a little weird coming from a stranger but oh well.

  12. Ali Barnes

    Beautiful Mama Maya, my only words for you today are that I love you…and even though I am so glad you don’t take it anymore, I miss your ambien tweets πŸ˜‰
    P.S. If Rita gets an autograph, I want one too!

  13. Lauren Aubele

    Maya,
    Taylor Swift’s song Ronan led me to your blog and I just spent all night reading page for page the trials and tribulations you went through with your beautiful little boy. It moved me in ways that I cant even put into words. I hope one day to become even half the woman you are. Ronan was a lucky little boy along with the twins and your newest addition (congrats!) to have such an amazing mom like you. I don’t have kids yet, but when I do I hope to be the kind of mother that you are to your children. The strength you omit is moving and you and your family have changed my life. Ronan will never be forgotten. He will be the answer to the cure for childrens cancer, I just know it. What your doing is amazing and inspiring. Love and prayers to you and your family!
    -Lauren

  14. Isadora Linheira

    Hey Maya.
    I feel like I’m babysitting you, Im always checking the blog just to make sure you’re still there, being brave even being so very sad. I’m having the craziest dreams this week, about a boy who cames dancing in the rain, he looks a lot like Ronan. Must confess that now rain makes me feel so great. Im telling everyone about Ronan’s story, about how strong and brave he was, and how amazing and inspiring you’re. I was thinking today that I’m so freaking idiot and so selfish, I dont thank God everyday for being alive, and I should, I know that now. And reading all you write just makes me realize and ask myself “what kind of pain you think you have? look at this woman, she lost his baby doll and she’s still breathing and fighting for Ronan’s legacy. why are you bitching about life?” and i suddenly stop complaining. You’re being a huge inspiration to me, and so does Ronan. Thank you so much for being so strong, you may think you’re not strong enough, due your endless pain and sadness, but you’re a fighter, and I admire you. Hope your days get better, I pray for it. Ronan is for sure asking God to give you reasons to smile.
    xoxo

  15. Tara Simko

    It’s raining here today and it makes me think of you and your little guy. You are doing all the right things, Maya, and I know you know that- not taking meds is the best way to handle your sadness- it IS just a band-aid that will numb you now and make you feel worse down the road– even though it’s hell on earth that you’re dealing with and I don’t know (and hopefully will NEVER know), how a person can get through a minute after experiencing the horror of losing a child. I hate that you’re forced to slow down and face the quiet, even though I know it’s for the best and will only help with your grief. I think about the pain you’re working through right now, and I just wish I could come there and hold your hair while you puke or something!! 😦

    Amidst this whirlwind you are in (and boy, do you have a lot going on!!!), there are so many who have found you and discovered Ronan- I know you see the numbers rising, obviously- this is major! I didn’t find Ronan or your blog until very shortly after he passed away- I missed the whole journey and read about it after the fact and hated every second of the ending. It pisses me off. I get caught up in my work, being a wife, being a mother and I lose my spark sometimes. I have been re-awakened/rejuvenated by all of this buzzing energy this month, and I am back on the warpath screaming about Childhood Cancer. I have never experienced it, but my theory is that if I have to, there better be a fucking cure. You and Ronan are at the center of all of this energy- as tired as you are right now, you have blasted the world of Childhood Cancer wide open and great things are to come. Hang in there, keep working through it minute by minute, and know that so many people adore you!! xxx

    FUCK YOU, CANCER!

  16. annihilatechildhoodcancer1

    You may not know it, but you show courage in your willingness to share your hurt with everyone. Your raw & uncut truth is the core of your being–thanks for sharing!!

    And you know what? I bet RockStar Ronan is saying Rock On Momma!!

    caringbridge site name: christiansmith1

  17. Angie

    Maya, I again am amazed at your honesty. Every post, my heart breaks all over again for you and your family. As a mother, and an aunt, the stats about childhood cancer sicken me. No one wants to talk about it so I thank you over and over again for bringing it to the forefront.

    Your words are making me a better mother. Because I fought through infertility for my son and am currently fighting through it again to (God willing) give him a sibling, I always thought I was grateful. But since hearing of Ronan, I have stopped sweating some of the small stuff that come with being a parent of a toddler and am even more thankful. I am so very sorry this has happened but thank you for sharing your story, and Ronan, with the world. We are better for knowing you both. God bless you Maya and we are with you!

  18. Kathy M

    Hope you can get up this morning and not be sick…both my girls sucked the life out of me. I am one of your long time followers and I have to tell you, I was so amazed by Taylor’s song, but then so worried about you. All of us who have been your online friends (whether you actually know me or not:), know Ronan and know you and know what you do to make it through the day. I worried that people would be asking you about meds, about “fixing” things, instead of seeing this for what it is, a tribute to an amazing boy and his amazing family. I agree, there is no reason, it makes no sense and I worry that someone will say something like, it was meant to be, which is bullshit and I just worry. Anyway, love to all of you and try not to fall asleep in the guac. Or, at least make sure Woody takes picts of it if you do!

  19. Angela

    I have followed your blog for well over a year and a half now and your strength amazes me. You are such an amazing person, mother and wife. You were meant to do amazing things in this world and make a difference.
    Im so happy you are going to have another little one soon. You will live tho baby and treach them all about Ro. I know. πŸ™‚

  20. Daniella

    I have been reading your blog for so long and watching you really blow up via T-Swift has been very exciting πŸ™‚ But I have noticed, googling interviews and what not, how hard it must be to relive everything. I have watched you live with the pain but there is something different about what is going on right now. I don’t know. It seems to be a small step backward, although at the same time it’s for a HUGE HUGE step forward in ending childhood cancer. I am always so amazed by your strengh and your honesty. You are such a powerful women and incredible Mama. Sending you thoughts of love and energy for the days ahead. Love love to you and your family.

  21. Kendra

    Maya, you don’t have to worry about not loving this baby as much or not feeling connected to it. It’s because you’re such a good mom that you are having those worries and being so hard on yourself. The crappy moms of the world don’t wonder if they’re good parents or if they love their kids enough … they don’t care, and that’s what makes them bad. You have the opposite problem … you care so much that it hurts you. You’re an amazing mama, and your relationship with this new baby will be special and unique in its own way. I hope you start feeling better soon, I remember those awful first months of pregnancy and I think the morning sickness alone is enough to make anyone a little crazy, even without all the additional stress you’ve been under. So please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a rockstar!

  22. Joe

    Thank you for making me realize what is truly important in life and how fucking stupid the Today show is for having on some stupid fucking reality TV show ASSHOLES on to discuss their absolutely fucking USELESS lives AND NOT HAVING A SEGMENT ON CHILDHOOD CANCER. Thank you, you and your Ronan baby have saved my life and now I know what I’m supposed to do.

  23. Shelly

    Maya,
    A week ago I didn’t know anything about you. In the late hours after my husband and kids went to bed I turned on the computer to relax and unwind. I saw a clip from Taylor’s song and thought, “Hmm, who is this girl? Who is this little boy”? I checked out your website, began reading and COULD NOT stop. Hours later in the early hours of the morning my husband came downstairs to find me a sobbing, snotting, shaken mess. He was a bit confused and surprised, as I’m typically not an emotional person. I told him about your story, and I continue to tell anyone who will listen. Like so many others you have touched my life in ways I can bearly begin to explain. You are an amazing person; so strong, so full of courage and tenacity. All you’re doing in your son’s honor is phenomenal. The awareness you’re bringing to this disgusting disease is gaining exponential momentum and I believe with everything in me that unprecedented things are going to happen! I feel so connected to you, Maya, and I don’t know why. Theres nothing wrong in my life: I have a nice house, a good job, great husband, and beautiful, healthy children. Yet I am so unsettled now. It makes me sick to my soul to know what you’ve been through and what you continue to go through, and what other families go through, for that matter. But thats the great thing in all this. I believe that we are not meant to float through life in our own little bubble just existing. Because we were created for so much more. We’re capable of so much more. Together we can rise up and rage against things that are unjust, we can stand up to things that are formidable, totally pull off the impossible. I think about you, Ronan, and your family all the time, and I pray everyday for strength, peace, happiness, and supernatural favor for your cause. Know you are incredible, you are loved, YOU ARE CHANGING THE WORLD.
    PS) You WILL love this baby. You WILL be an amazing mother (as you are already) xoxo

  24. Californiagirlrevolution

    You Maya are an inspiration to so many. i read your blog everyday, and everyday there is one line or a passage something that just makes me cry. Ronan seemed like the sweetest child on earth, and i wish somehow i could have met him. Cancer is FUCKING stupid, and i wish we could live in a world where it doesnt exist. My mum had it, so did my grandad and my best friends mum (my second mum basically) died from it. And the emptyness you feel is just overwhelming, i’m sure your going to be an amazing mum for your new baby, and i know you already are to your other boys. But i also know, that there will always be a space in your heart for a special boy Ronan. His eyes whenever i see pictures of him, i feel like they’re looking straight into my soul, but if i knew him i know that he would listen to me if i told him things, and that he wouldnt judge. Thank you Maya for being my inspiration, thank you Ronan for inspiring so many others and a beautiful song by the beautiful Taylor swift who is also a role model to me. And let me just say this instead of peace sign to the all the haters, lets do a fuck sign to cancer. ❀

  25. mike

    I’m so sorry for you’re loss. I sat here attempting to study for my next med school exam…feeling unmotivated and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Then in my daze of procrastination I came across this page and I remembered why I chose my path. I want to help save lives like your sons. I want to fight disease and illness. Thanks for the motivation.

  26. Lindsey Nichols

    You have made me a devoted follower now of your story. I was thinking today as I read this, you already love this new baby and you are unaware of it yet. Worrying that you won’t love it is out of love. I don’t think any mother completely and 100% knows the depth of the love for their child when it is all but a little dot on the screen of an ultrasound. I truly believe and have faith that throughout this pregnancy you will develop a new little relationship with your “poppy”. As it grows and moves it will help you grow and move to new places as well. That is my hope for you both. I really think Ronan brought all this together for you. That he would be so so very proud of his Mommy who is fighting so hard still for this UnFuckingAcceptable cancer and is doing her best to *try* to live her life without him. Be Proud and Stay Strong RoMama! You are amazing! (((hugs)))

  27. Fernanda

    Hi, I’m a Brazilian girl and Taylor’s fan, I’ve been read your blog and listen to “Ronan”, I must confess I cried a lot, and a just want to tell you that I’m with you, even the distance, and I know that Ronan it’s in another and better place without pain πŸ™‚

  28. Sara Gutierrez

    Hi Maya,

    My name is Sara. I live in Los Ageles C.A. I first heard about your beautiful son Ronan about 2 weeks ago when i sister told me abou t the taylor swift song…………. i cryed when i visited your page.. rockstar ronan!…. i been reading your blogs since day one and im sorry for your lost… i have a 3yr old son his name is Daniel. and a 8 yr old daughter .. i cant imagine my life without them.. they are world…. i wish i could meet you because ur blogs have inspire me to look at my life in a different way and to appreciate my babies…….. ur son is a beautiful little angel and im sure he is always with u…. I want to know how i can get some of those beautiful purpul rockstar bracellets….. i would love to purchase some for my family and freinds…. please …let me know how i can buy them….

    much love to you and ur family! Ronan is always in my thoughts and its because of him that i enjoy my time with my kids more than ever! ….

    take care of ur self and ur new baby…. love always Sara Gutierrez

  29. Ashley A Sornberger

    Hi Maya..
    I stumbled across your blog and your absoulte dedication to your amazing beautiful baby boy. For the past week, I have been obsessed with informing everyone I know about your story. I have been wanting to write to you, but can never figure out what to say. I have a little boy that is my life, he is 7yrs old. I cry and cry every day reading your blogs, cause I could never imagine my life with out my little man. A good friend of mine lost her son 10yrs ago, I didnt know them back then, but its amazing how often I think of her situation. I told my friend the other day about your story. I asked her.. how do you live day to day with out your little guy? Luckily her 2 other children she had after got her through her many many tough times. She said the best thing to do is talk about him as much as possible. She said her son lives on forever watching over her and her children. She will see him again.She said people would tell her that things happen for a reason…what the HELL kinda reason would God take a beautiful child from their mom/family. Its not fair, not at all. She did say, she beleaves that some way shape or form, her son made a difference in other lives in his short time of living. I dont know, I just am so touched by this story. Your son Ronan will NEVER be forgotten, He is an ANGEL looking down and helping many other sick kids. I know it is not fair that it had to be your son, but like my 7yr old so said to me the other day..”mama, we are lucky if we go to heaven young, that means that we are very special, and God needs us to help him. My husband and I are owners of a pretty big tattoo shop and store in Erie, Pa. I have shared your link to everyone on my facebook, and will continue to talk about your story. You and your son Ronan are very special people, you are doing an amazing thing with what you are doing. Dont ever ever feel that your not. YOU are exactly what and how every mom should be. Fu#K cancer! We will some day beat it!! Stay Strong girlie. ~ASHLEY~

  30. tori

    Every nite when I put my baby to bed I tell her “we’re so lucky to have you”… I found your blog a few months after she was born last year, right after Ro died. I was struggling adjusting to being a new mom at 35 years old. Your story put my life in perspective. I cried so much for you and sweet Ronan. I’m so sorry he died.

  31. Caitlin

    One of my favorite quotes that helped me through my own difficult time reminded me of you.

    I’m going to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

  32. Cathy

    Maya,

    I can not begin to imagine the immense pain, sadness and emptiness you feel at the loss of your amazing and beautiful little child Ronan. His life here was too short but it was filled with all the love his family and the world could provide. The lessons he taught us all with his strength, hope, courage and love of life as he bravely fought his battle will be forever remembered and in this way, immortalized. He will live on in the hearts and minds of millions all over the world. This will in no way lesson your pain but please know that Ronan lives on. His spirit is as real as the wind and the air. You cannot see the air nor the wind on a barren landscape, but you know it is there and is as real as the earth you stand on. You cannot see Ronan’s spirit but it is here as real as the earth you stand on. And when the earth cannot seem to bear the weight of your pain and agony, allow Ronan’s spirit to carry you forward. Roll on with Ronan.

    Breathe through the pain. Move slowly through the pain. Live, just live.

    Cathy

  33. Melissa V

    Might need to post a link to Dr. Jo’s amazing post about grief and medication! Annoys me that people are mentioning to you that medication might be helpful–uh really dipshits–like you had no idea that antidepressants existed and really does someone think that a pill is going to make your shattered heart all better? Your baby is dead! No fucking amount of medication is going to help any of this….you are GRIEVING, experiencing a very normal response to losing the love of your life. I am sorry, this just makes me crazy. Love that you were all kind and positive and amazing in your response to this “brilliance” –sorry that I am being a biiiiaaaaatch instead! (((hugs))) Maya~

  34. Cynthia Machowski

    I can’t begin to imagine what you went through having to watch your beautiful little boy suffer and then die in your arms. i think it’s awesome that you write this blog. I am understanding a little better what you have been through and feel what you are feeling. I know in my heart that I would be the same way. I would be miserable and would not want people to tell me to take meds or see a psych Dr. I’d want to keep feeling the misery for the enormous loss I experienced. I think it’s perfectly ok to never forget. And you have proved life goes on, even though it’s painful and sad. I can’t wait to see what you are having, will you find out? If you are having a boy, will his middle name be Ronan? I guess, even if it’s a girl you could give her that middle name too in honor of him. I do ultrasound and I love doing the pregnancies. I loved being pregnant until the last month when I was as big as a house and so uncomfortable. But it was all worth it and I cherish every day that I have with them. Especially after reading what you have been feeling. I feel very fortunate and I know any day that I could lose one of my kids. They are 22, 24 and almost 26 years old. Thank you for carrying on and for sharing your experience with all of these strangers! And most of all, letting us into your life and for sharing Ronan with us! Hang in there and keep his memory alive, always!

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