Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.
This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.
I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well. I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.
As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.
I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)
I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.
And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.
G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo