Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?

Ronan. I had a dream about you this morning. I was up off and on all night last night. 12:30 a.m. awake. 3:25 a.m. awake. 6:23 a.m. my phone rang. It was your Sparkly. I shot right out of bed. My heart sunk. Why is he calling so early? Something must be wrong. False alarm. Everything was o.k. I fell back asleep after that. In my dream, I was with your daddy, I think. You and your brothers were sleeping somewhere else that wasn’t our house. I made your daddy drive over to check on you. We opened up a back door to a house that was unlocked. We crept into a bedroom. I was only concerned about seeing you. In my dream, I didn’t know you were dead. I ran over to the bed where a tiny little boys’ feet stuck out of the covers. I pulled down the blanket off of your face just in time to see your beautiful full head of hair and watch you open your eyes and look at me. I kissed your little cheek and felt so happy, but I didn’t know why. I get to see you all the time, in real life, right? I remember saying to your daddy. “He opened his eyes.” Just as I said this, real life happened and the noise from your brothers, jolted me out of my sleep. Oh, how I would have given anything to have had more time with you in that dream. It took me a minute to remember my dream and that you were not here, for me to kiss. That is always the hardest reality to wake up to. The fact that I only get to see you, in my dreams and not here, in your bed or running around our house is such a cruel, horrible reality.

I got up. Helped make breakfast for everyone. Acted as though everything was o.k. this morning when mornings around here are never o.k. My heart has been heavy for the past few days. Remember that sweet boy, Teddy, that we spent some time with in San Diego this summer? The sweet little Teddy that reminded me so much of you? He has been doing really great, then suddenly out of the blue, his parents find out that his Neuroblastoma is spreading like wildfire. They have been told there are not many more options left. His mom, whom I adore, is faced with the decision to just let Teddy live out the time he has left here, or put his through some really harsh chemo to try to slow this monster down. The same kind of chemo, that left us inpatient at Sloan for 24 days, and did nothing for your disease. My heart is breaking. I don’t understand how this can just keep happening to these kids who are so loved in this world and are so innocent. I feel so helpless for his family. I don’t want them to know this life I live, one without your child. It is just too cruel of a world to live in. Please keep Teddy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else you do. Ronan. You know what to do little man. I promise I am trying to fix this as best as I can. I just can’t keep up with all these kids dying, one after the other. I wish I had a magic wand and wishes really worked. I wish everything was that simple. You can visit Teddy’s caring bridge, here. I know what his parents have decided to do. I will wait for them to post an update, to tell us all.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

Even though it might seem like I’m in a really dark place right now… because I am. I am still managing to somewhat function in this too bright of a world. For instance, yesterday I went to a kids fest, Ro. A kids fest without you in tow. Do you know how achingly hard this was for me to do. A festival full of healthy kiddos, just as the world should be. There was not one bald head in sight. I was asked to do a reading there of the kids book, “The Lorax.” I had so much anxiety about this the night before. I tossed and turned. Dreamed about not being able to get through the book, without you there. I took your daddy and your brothers. Fernanda and her 3 boys met us there, too. I sat in a chair and read this story to about 20 kiddos. I talked to you before hand on the drive out there. I closed my eyes in the car. “Please Ronan. I need you today. Help me get through this. Keep me calm, cool, and collected. Help me do this. Stay with me. I need your help today.” I thought to myself, this can either go two ways. I can lose my shit and not be able to control my emotions as I knew having to look out into a sea of kids, and not see your face was going to be rough… or I can keep it together and stay focused on the people I had there, who I love so much. I looked out into the audience. I saw Fernanda’s face. Her boys. Your daddy. Your brothers. I looked down at my feet to see a random little girl, playing with my sparkly shoes while I was reading. This made me smile. I can do this today. I will do this today. I will do this and be proud of myself for doing something that feels so hard to me. I let myself be proud for the .2 seconds that I allowed. That is all I needed. Your brothers had the best day. They got to run wild and free after my reading and enjoy being the 9 year olds they are. I am always glad to see that. I let that be enough for the day.

I have been busy around here getting ready for our Macy’s arrival. Quinn has probably asked me about 10 times what day Macy will be here and what time. She changes the whole dynamic of our family in such a good way. For the time that Macy is here, it is always a time full of laughter, love, and peacefulness. We seem to always have plenty of tears, too, but somehow the tears feel easier when Macy is around. I am so thankful she is coming in for our second annual Macegiving. I am so grateful for our sweet friend who is a part of our family. I am so thankful that she will be here for us on another one of our hard holidays. They all seem pretty hard, but things are a little less hard when Macy is around.

This is all for tonight, little one. Rita just texted me, “Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?” That is some seriously funny shit right there. At least it totally made me laugh out loud.  I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

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Quinn Does Not Have Brain Cancer and I Am Not Dying

Ronan. Quinn does not have brain cancer. Thank you for that. He just suffers from migraines, like your daddy. Brain cancer worries to rest. For now. It was a busy weekend. I spent most of it, hanging out with your brothers. They had a basketball game on Saturday. I felt so proud, watching them. Basketball has become therapeutic to them. Your daddy spends so much time, practicing with them. It’s showing on the court for sure. They are strong, fast, and aggressive. You heard me right. Aggressive. This coming from the two most gentle giants, to walk this earth. As their mama, watching this fire that burns within them on the basketball court, makes me so proud. I know it comes from you. I love watching them play. I hate how my eyes wander over to the other side of the court to where the 5 and 6 year olds are playing. I always picture you out there. You would have been the best player, rocking your Nike headband for sure. I told them after their game, how proud I was. I told them how much you would have loved watching them play and how you would have been yelling and screaming for them. The not having your little squeaky screams around, will always destroy me. Always.

I was tired Saturday, after being out for most of the day. I had a date night with Liam and your daddy took Quinn to the ASU football game. Liam and I cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It’s still hard for me to sit still and just watch a movie. I did it for Liam. I made him a pizza and popcorn. I may have burnt the pizza, but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to have me cook it for him. On Sunday, we had a nice little treat. Our friends, Robyn and Kyle, flew in for the night. Kyle asked Robyn, if she could go anywhere for one night, where would she want to go? She said to see me. I was over the moon about the two of them, coming to visit. They got in Sunday afternoon and we spent the day just hanging out and lying low. Your daddy and Kyle did a lot of guitar playing and singing. Robyn and I did a lot of trying to find me something to wear for The Gold Party (I still having nothing to wear because I refuse to spend an insane amount of money on a dress!) and talking about you and Ezra. I hate that she gets this in what seems to be the exact same way that I get this; but I love this too. I don’t feel so alone when I am around her. I swear to you, she knows my pain almost exactly. She loved Ezra, that much. She knows her perfect life will never exist again, because her perfect life was when Ezra was here. I know that, too. We feel a lot of the same dark things that I don’t really want to share on here. I can go to the darkest of the dark places with Robyn and not be scared that I am being judged or criticized. She is one of the few people I can do this with and it’s all because cancer killed her fucking kid, too. Fuckwad asshole that cancer is.

I took her on a night hike with Kassie and your brothers. I huffed and puffed all the way up the fucking mountain. Robyn laughed at me and the way I had to have my hands on the side of my hips, so I could keep my balance. It is a lot of work carrying a Poppy in my belly. My inner insane workout goddess is not happy, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t do much, so I continued to huff and puff up to the top of the mountain until we arrived at our church. It was dark, quiet and peaceful. We did our little list of the things we were grateful for. Robyn said lists like that were hard for her. They are always hard for me. I made your brothers do one, too. I told them we couldn’t leave the mountain until it was done. They said some cute things. Things 9 year olds should say. Quinn’s last one was he was grateful for his health. That got to me, in a good way and a sad way. I was proud of him for saying his health but it also made me fucking pissed at the world that I know he only knows this, due to you dying. We got down the mountain, in the dark. I didn’t fall. Yay, me. Poppy wouldn’t have been to pleased about that one. We came home and your daddy and Kyle had cooked us all dinner. We gathered around like the unconventional family we are, but nothing has ever felt so much like family since you’ve been gone. Kyle had your brothers in stitches. Kassie just looked like an angel. Robyn just feels like home. Your daddy makes everything safe. Liam and Quinn, remind me of you. Our kitchen table was filled with laugher, pain, sadness, and beauty… all in a very safe, yet dark world that we exist in. I have decided I don’t really feel like I live anymore, Ronan. I exist if anything. I can get by, existing and working the rest of my life to exist in a really, really, really good way. By helping others and opening my heart to these beautiful people, that I am so lucky to know. So lucky for being so unlucky. Talk about ironic.

Robyn and Kyle left today. I was sad to see them go but so glad that they came. My phone rang from my OBGY’s office. I didn’t pick up, on purpose. I had blood work done there last week. I knew they were calling to tell me I had some deadly disease or that Poppy is dying. I listened to the voicemail and called back. My heart was racing. I waited to talk to someone. I was preparing myself, for the worst like I always do with every situation now. I had the talk in my head with Liam and Quinn about how I was dying or how Poppy could not be born. This is automatically where my mind goes and I’m not proud of it but it is not anything I can control. I think I was about ready to hyperventilate on the phone when the lady came on to tell me everything came back fine, except my thyroid looked off. “What do you mean, I’m not dying and Poppy’s not dying!” I wanted to scream. Surely something bigger had to be wrong? Surely the other shoe was going to drop, right?? Not today, Ronan. Not today. Not even today when my very special friend had her very hard surgery. One she thought she might die from. I told her I had talked to you, and she would not be dying. I was right. Everything went great. Thank you for that. You know I could not survive, without her.

I’m going to go now. I’m tired, but what’s new. Seems to be a theme around here. This Poppy pregnancy is for the birds. But I will try to be grateful for this gift that is growing inside of me. I am grateful, Ronan. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, but it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. I wasn’t mentally prepared for all the grief that was going to consume me, too. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xxoo

You’re Having Headaches?? O.k. We’ll Go Get an MRI.

Ronan. I did a lot of things today. It was a productive day, to say the least. I LOVE my productive days the best when they are fueled by you, you and you. Always by you. I didn’t sleep well last night due to just normal stuff that deal with a lot now. It was much easier in my Ambien is the Devil pill popping days, when I could just say fuck everything and go into a black coma for hours. I gave that up long ago and although I am so very glad, I can’t say that I sometimes don’t miss the convince of it. I know the after effects of that little pill are just not worth it for me though as they usually involve me wanting to slit my wrists. I’d rather just deal with the insomnia.

I sat with your Sparkly for a long time today. I was frustrated about some things. Sad about some things. I go to my best non judgmental friend, for the best advice. I spatted out the things that were wrong. Nothing major. But my feelings were hurt over something silly. I was feeling sad about you. Guilty about this baby. A little family trouble too. A invitation came my way. A maybe trip to New York. I sat and talked with him about all of these things. I’ll sum up for you, what I got told in a nutshell which went a little something like this.

“Please don’t lost sight of it what it is, you are doing and why you are doing it. I don’t think that you will, but promise me, you won’t. You know the reason you are doing all of this. The only reason you are doing all of this. Keep focused the way you have been. Do not let all of this attention, change anything.”

“They don’t know the real you. These people that you are letting your feelings get hurt by. They only know what they read and the few times they have met you. I know the real you. You are so smart. You are brave. You are kind. You are outgoing yet introverted. You are shy with certain situations. You are so strong. They don’t know your childhood and what you have been through, which I know is a big part of what makes you, you. People want to see you fail. It’s ugly human nature. What you are doing is unlike anything anyone has ever done before. I really think you are going to completely change this world, darling. You already have, and you are only getting started. Look at all you’ve done. Maya. Who else in this world can walk around with Fuck You Cancer bracelets on their wrists and get away with it?”

I just replied, “No one. But maybe that’s because they just haven’t tried.”

He just looked at me and said, “Exactly. That is exactly what makes you so different. You did that. You did that within weeks of Ronan being diagnosed. You turned that into your thing, which is a metaphor for everything you are doing. You did it without caring, you did it because that is what you felt, you did it with your head held high and now look where you are. You were handed the shittiest situation in life. You could have given up a long time ago, but you stayed true to being honest and vocal about everything you are going through. Nobody does that. That scares the shit out of people. As much as I wish this wasn’t the hand you were dealt, this is your calling. Whether it be by God or whoever else is out there, you were given this because you will change this in a way that nobody else has.”

Tears started welling up at this point in his eyes. “Now I’m going to start crying.” I looked down at the ground. “Why? I said. “Please don’t cry. Please.” I watched the tears form in his eyes.

“Why…. because I’m sad, for you but so proud as well. I wish this wasn’t your story, I wish this wasn’t Ro.”
“I know.” I said. “I know.”

I told him about my New York adventure. Secret side Maya mission. He told me to book my flight. I will. Another little gift, from you that just fell in my lap and since I am such a believer in signs and timing, I am going out to our favorite city to pursue what it is, that is maybe in the works. See you in a few weeks, NYC.

This week has flown by with so many things happening. We totally won 50k from the Chase Grant contest!!!! We entered it so late, but thanks to all of you supporting us by voting and telling everyone you know to vote, we won!!!! We are all so excited, proud and thankful. A special thanks to my dear friend, Melissa for taking the lead on this little last minute project for us. Without her, this would have never happened. I truly am surrounded by the greatest people. I am so lucky in that regard.

My friend Katie let me have a little trunk show at her store last night with my “Spicy Monkey,” bracelets. We had such a turn out and I was so happy to finally meet some of my very best Ro lovers out there. Your Poppy has had me wiped out, but I powered through last night and it was a huge success. Thank you to everyone who came out to see me. I loved listening to you talk about Ronan. It makes my heart a lot less sad to listen to your stories of how he has inspired and changed you. I am so lucky to be your mama, Ro baby. You are doing the most amazing things in this world still. I miss you so much.

Last night left me feeling like I had been run over by a truck today. I had a lot to do and got through some things, only to come home so sick and tired. I fell into bed for a few hours. I didn’t want to, but I knew today I didn’t have a choice. Guess where I spent this evening. At PCH with Quinn getting an MRI. You know, because of his headaches, I am still convinced he has a brain tumor. It is so mentally exhausting to live in this world. This world of being overly paranoid about anything and everything. We will know in the morning if anything showed up. Your favorite PCH lovie called me before the MRI. “I’ll be there in the morning and I’ll call you first thing. I promise you, there is nothing there.” I responded with, “You’re telling me that I can sleep tonight?” He said, “Yes. Please sleep tonight. I promise, everything is fine.” “O.k.” I said. “I’ll believe you.” I am sure he is fine, but as you know, I can’t live in a world where I’m not 100% sure. Between last night and today, I feel like I need a major vacation… from life. Do you know where I can go for that? I do. But that’s not my call.

I had an ultra sound this week as well. I think I sat and cried most of my appointment. My nurse asked how I was feeling. I respond with sick, tired, and really, really sad. This led to about a 30 minute conversation about you. She knew a little bit about our story, but not the details. I told her most of our story, as best I could without choking on my words. It’s still hard for me to talk about everything we went though. The scariness of it. The darkness. The blind hope being ripped from my arms in the form of losing you. How everything spiraled out of control so quickly. How I didn’t even realize you were dying because I was so convinced my love would save you. We talked about this new baby and I told her that I’m not excited yet. I saw Dr. Schwartz who I think might be one of the most amazing women on the planet. She talks about you a lot which means so much to me. She told me how excited she was to see my name on the schedule and that I was pregnant again. She said she thinks everyone is so excited about this baby. I do too. I know there will come a point where I am as well. But right now, I just miss you so much.

That was my week in a nutshell, Ro. I’m tired from being a PCH tonight. I couldn’t go back in the MRI room with Quinn due to being pregnant. The memories of you, being in there came flooding back. Within hours, our whole life turned into a nightmare. Please let everything be alright with Quinny. I could not survive something like this again. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

;

Little hands, little feet, and I swear I see a Poppy smile!

Our song for the night, Ro baby. It is so us.

I am a HUGE P!nk fan. HUGE. So of course, I bought her new album today. I was putting on my make-up when this song came on. It literally brought me to my knees and before I knew it, I was sobbing on the floor and my make-up was ruined. Listen to the lyrics. I felt like she wrote this, for me. Everything about the song, reminded me of you, Ronan and how hard it is to live this life, without you. Am I crazy? I don’t think so. I think P!nk might have some Ronan/Mama ESP going on. “Little feet, tired of being a fighter, baby blues, parallel universe, beam me up.” Ummm… this is my life.

Everyone should buy her album. It is amazeballs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There’s a whole n’other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well.  I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

All the things I wish I’d known…

Ronan. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. We left AZ. Had to leave AZ. Just like we do, every summer. This year, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Last summer, I was in such a fog coming here. I think I was highly medicated. I don’t remember any of it, really. I left you at home. I left your urn and your ashes at home. This year, I didn’t. I put your urn at my feet in the front of the car with me. Safe and sound. I was not about to leave you behind this time. Who reads that last sentence that I just wrote, and is able to just go on with their lives? Who reads that sentence and just goes, “Oh, that’s nice, she tucked her child’s urn, at her feet because he died of cancer… I’m off to go shopping now and not help in this fight against childhood cancer.” I think a lot of people. I think a lot of people who still live in the world of puppy dogs, unicorns and rainbows. Those people, suck. I am thankful for those who read my words, close their eyes, are thankful for all that they have, but that is not enough. I am thankful for those people who do not just go on with their days, without thinking about Ronan or Ava or Esther or Ben or Liam or Hazen or Ezra or Saoirse… I could go on and on and on with the kids’ names that I know now. I am thankful for the people who take the time to donate what they can, because they know want to help against this war that we are in. I am thankful for all the love and support friends, family and strangers. Without all of them, things would not be happening the way that they are.

So, today we packed up our car and headed out of AZ. Out of our house that is slowly killing me. I could not get out of that state, fast enough. I could not take another day of walking past your empty room, not hearing the pitter patter of your little feet or your squeaky little voice. I don’t know how I’ll ever get used to not having you around. I feel like I am a shell of a person. I feel like I am a shell of a person yet I look back on last year and fuck… even that kind of scares me because I was in such a bad place. I think I spent the majority of the summer, in bed, crying. I think I was out doing crazy things like swimming in the ocean in the middle of the night and taking way too many sleeping pills. Looking back, I clearly was trying my best not to live. I seriously could have cared less. This year, I’m not better. Because you never get better from something like this. I’m just different. I want to be around to tuck your brothers in at night. Last year, I did not. And I don’t think it’s such a good idea to go swimming in the ocean, at night. But I am also aware that I still have that streak of crazy that exists in me and I never know when it’s going to come out which in turn usually means my pain needs to be fed by something other than sheer pain. Usually something crazy like a night swim or this marathon that I am running on Sunday and I have not trained a lick for. 26.2 miles without training is a little insane. But whatever. So is watching your baby throw up in bed from the chemo poison that is being injected into his body that is supposed to be saving him, but it turns out, is not. That is truly fucking insane. So is driving to San Diego with your baby’s body burnt to a crisp. Nothing is more insane than that.

We arrived here. Unpacked. Your brothers were hungry. We headed out to go to Costco but it was closed. Your starving brothers could not wait to eat and IHop was our best option. We ended up there where your brothers enhaled bacon, waffles, eggs, pancakes… you name it, they ate it. You would have loved our little breakfast for dinner outing. I was sitting there, thinking about Ava. I’ve been checking in on her all day through Facebook and her Caring Bridge. Nothing had been posted. Just as I was thinking about her, I got an alert on my phone. I read it, felt the color drain from my face, excused myself from the table and into the IHop bathroom I went to puke my guts out. I read the words, the Ryan House. Hospice. Not doing well. That was all I needed to see. It was if I was living last year, all over again. Fucking fuck. No. Not again. What is happening? Why is this monster taking all of these babes and nobody gives a shit? Because if they did, this would not be happening at the rate it is. Do you know what this looks like to us parents going though this? It looks like somebody is lining up these kids, one by one, and blowing their brains out. If that were the case, this country would be in an uproar. But because childhood cancer, is such a dirty little secret, everyone can just look the other way. That’s not fair. That’s not right. People need to start stepping up and making such a stir about this so that funding will be a little more fair. Give these kids a chance to grow up and get things like breast cancer or prostate cancer. Give them a freaking chance, you fucking idiot fuckwads.

Back to Ava. Back to the Ryan House. I’ve been quiet about this for a while. I am not going to say I am thankful that we got to go there, because no parent should be thankful that their child is dying, so they get to take them to this place. Ronan. The Ryan House, should not exist because kids should just not die. If only it were this simple. I did not think we were taking you there, to die. But everyone else knew around us. I thought we were taking you there, to get your pain under control. I was in shock. I still had hope. I heard the whispers all around me. I got the whole, “You are so calm.” Of course I was calm. You were not going to die. I was still going to fix you. I didn’t understand any of what was going on. I remember being confused as to why everyone was coming to see us. I felt like we were zoo animals on display. Like I was the mama bear in her den with her baby, hiding behind a glass wall, while everyone on the outside, was looking in at us. I didn’t know they were all coming to say goodbye. I didn’t figure any of that out until probably a day before you died. That we were not going home. I remember thinking that nobody knew what they were doing. Why was I the one asking for oxygen for you? Why was I the one calling your Dr. Maze to ask him what to do for you, in order to get your pain under control? Why were you getting all bloated? Why were you not peeing? Nobody told me this was all because your body was shutting down and you were dying. Nobody explained anything to me. And then it happened. Your little heart, stopped beating. Somebody came in after you had left. They brought in a tub of water. They said they were going to give you a bath. I remember looking up at them and saying, “No you’re not. I’m going to give him a bath.” I remember this person saying to me, “You are very brave.” I looked up, dumbfounded. “I’m not brave. I’m his mom.” I bathed you. I dressed you. I kissed you. I didn’t hold you. I didn’t know I could have. I didn’t know I could have rocked you. Held you or spent as much time with you as I wanted to. I wish I would have known that. I think I stayed in the room for a while with you. But I let somebody else pick up your body and take you away. I wish I would have done that. It was not anybody else’s job. But I knew none of this. I am so sorry.

Then we left the Ryan House. Bye! Have a nice summer! I think we were checked on and I know we were refered to a place called New Song. But nobody from the Ryan House ever mentioned the MISS Foundation to me, which blows my freaking mind. Ummmm… hello. They work with bereaved families. Ummmmm… hello. I know you are aware that they exist and I know you know who Dr. Cacciatore is, because she is a badass and truly has a gift for helping these families. Where was Dr. JoRo when I was at the Ryan House? Why didn’t anybody ever offer her to me, to hold my hand through what it is, that she knows best?? Why is it, that out of sheer desperation for my life, that I had to find her by screaming in bed one day, not able to get out and googling, What to do if you have a dead child in Arizona? I don’t know. This is what this woman does and she only does this for the fact that she truly wants to help these families. This is not about the money for her. This is only about taking her pain, experience, sadness, compassion, and using it for good. That is the thing that upsets me most. She saved my life, yet I had to find her on my own. There is a very good chance, that I would not be here if I had not found her. I thank you, Ronan, for helping me get to her. But it shouldn’t have been that way. Somebody at the Ryan House, should have offered her to me. She is a gift and I was in shock. I would have accepted someone to walk me through the hell I was about to go through. Instead, I went though it scared, abandoned, and alone. That’s the truth. There were so many mistakes made though out this whole your child has cancer, process. I am not going to stop until they are all fixed. Dr. Jo will be a part of everything that I do. She is part of my fixing the world, package. It’s as simple as that.

I went for a little run tonight. I talked to you about Ava. Please do everything I asked. Now is not the time to rebel, little one. She needs you. Take good care of her. I will try to help her mama in anyway that I can, but I feel helpless. There is nothing that I can do or say that is going to make this easier. All I have to offer her is I know what this feels like. And I am not dead from the pain. I am still here. That’s all I’ve got. That and I am just so sorry. I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo