I think I’m supposed to be nesting. I’m not nesting.



Ronan. I miss you so much but isn’t that always the case? I think I am supposed to be nesting now. That is the term used for when you get everything ready for the baby that is coming. I think I am avoiding nesting still as I cannot seem to get a single thing done. For instance, I need to wash all of Poppy’s clothes but instead they have been sitting on your bed for weeks. I keep telling myself today is the day that I am going to get it done, but then it doesn’t happen. Your daddy is so excited for your Poppy sister that it is almost making me mad at myself because I don’t seem to be feeling the level of excitement that he is. What’s wrong with me? He even has songs picked out that he has been practicing on his guitar and singing to and he’s calling them all Poppy’s songs. He’s been asking me if there are any other songs that I want him to learn, to sing to her. I think I responded with, “Can I tell you the answer to that, after she gets here?” I am just so sad that you are not here to listen to Poppy’s songs, too.

We were in bed the other night and out of the blue I said, “Do you think Poppy is going to die?” Your daddy just gave me his normal answer which is, “Why would you say that? She is not going to die.” I think I said something like, “Well Ronan was not supposed to get cancer and die and he did.” That is automatically where my brain goes. It’s not a fun place. It fucking sucks. In my previous life, morbid thoughts like this would have never happened. I know what part of my problem is. A certain part of my brain is trying to protect myself from becoming too excited/attached to Poppy still in case something happens. I wish it wasn’t this way, but there is nothing I can do to change this or control it. I wish I could just push these thoughts out of my brain but even I know I have to just give in and allow myself to think and feel these things. I would not be being true to myself if I pretended to be feeling any other way.

I’ve been keeping myself as busy as my tired body is allowing. Foundation things have been happening. I just had a meeting today that went great but I can’t say much about it as of now. We have some very exciting things in the works and I am so grateful for all of the people who want to help us change things in such a big way. We have not heard anything back from the White House but I promise to announce it when we do. We have the date set for our 2nd Annual Gold Party. It will be September 28th, 2013 so I hope you all will save the date for us. We are just getting started on the details and the planning of everything. I love all of the planning that comes with this. Brainstorming ideas is one of my favorite things. I was so proud of how it turned out last year and this year can only be bigger and better:)

I am trying to be patient with my last month of pregnancy but it’s no secret that I am so ready for your sister to be here. I am beyond full of anxiety and going stir crazy. I can’t take much more of having to be quiet and taking things easy. I just want her here and safe that way I can get back to kicking ass like I’m used to doing but this time with a baby on my hip. That sounds like bliss. I miss having a little sidekick in the worst way possible. I can do anything with a baby on my hip. I don’t do so well with the whole pregnancy thing…it’s never been my cup of tea. I do much better in the world of no sleep because you are taking care of a baby 24/7. That for me is a piece of cake and where I thrive. It’s one of my most favorite things in life.

I’m off and running now. Somehow I got talked into going on a little golfing excursion today which should be a riot seeing how I can hardly stand up straight due to carrying what I feel like is now a bowling ball in my stomach. It will be good to be outside getting some fresh air though.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


11 responses to “I think I’m supposed to be nesting. I’m not nesting.”

  1. You’re not crazy Maya…you are a mom, and that’s just what we do. Morbid thoughts are terrible, but it’s an unfortunate reality and I think it’s completely normal that you would think them…who wouldn’t in your position? Shit..I feel them all the time..even before reading your blog! My husband thinks I’m crazy…but I have always thought of crazy stuff and get myself all worked up…and I can’t help but think that there are always living creatures inside of trashbags on the side of the road. I know…I’m crazy, but just want you to realize, you are not. …you are more than normal. I’m happy Woody has songs for the baby, what a beautiful way to welcome your sweet baby girl into your lives. You will kick ass with that baby on your hip:) Can’t wait for her pictures:) Love you Maya. Always thinking of you guys and always thinking of Ronan.

  2. Enjoy the golf excursion, the outdoors and the breeze! I’m so happy Woody has songs for Poppy! Once you’ve lost you always have your guard up!

    My Maya Angelou quote: “Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between”

    RoLove RoMama

  3. Did you golf? It must have been a challenge to get the golf club in the right place with the belly in the way. . .Hope that is a nice excursion.

    I always wonder if my 2 living children will die too. With 2 here and 2 no longer with us I figure the odds are tied. Hoping to increase the odds in the land of the living for both of us. Take care and FU CANCER!!!

  4. Those morbid thought sound so familiar. When we lose our child we lose our inocence and amongs many other things. After I lost my son, every baby that was born after (not to me) I always thought “I wonder how long this baby is going to live” and I hated my self for thinking that but I did. Now when I had my daughter…I thought I was going crazy! I can not tell you how many times I woke her up because I though she was dead. It was horrible Maya. She is a 21 year old young lady in college and I’m still fearful, it just never goes away, once we lose our inocence is gone forever.

  5. Sarah Milhollen Avatar
    Sarah Milhollen

    Poppy is going to be so amazing Maya, just like her mama! She will be the best “Poppy in crime” and is going to move mountains with you. Lots of love and peace for the coming weeks. Xoxo

  6. Oh Maya, I’m so sorry that you have been robbed of the blissful land of excitment – FU cancer for that one too. Poppy will be here soon, and she will be healthy and wonderful. And Ronan will be apart of her life. He is apart of mine and I have never even met him, or you for that matter – so I know, I know he will be apart of Poppy’s life. You are the best Mamma, and maybe that doesn’t manifest it’s self in things like nesting – but it does in other ways – your love for your children is so strong and so clear in your writting!! Sending you thoughts of love, patience and calm.

  7. Enjoy your golfing adventure, are you going to wear a purple tu tu 😉

  8. I can feel your anxiety just from reading this post :/ I will pray you have a healthy and peaceful delivery. It won’t be long before Poppy is pushed out and you can run up mountains again.

  9. Cant wait to hear about Poppy… and how she reminds you of your angel and how she keeps you busy and exhausted and happy. I hope she makes sure you know that she knows Ronan… it is a constant hope of mine that if I have another lovely that Madeline would pick her out for me… and know her, love her and prepare her for life with us… someday…
    Enjoy this last little bit, eat some extra cake and don’t worry about the nesting. Seriously… how much stuff/space/clothes does a fresh lady need. Just some blankets and snuggles from their momma…

  10. I agree, Maya. Cancer changes everything. I am a NB mom too and it has changed everything about how I see the world. I used to be positive, optimistic and full of hope. Now fear & uncertainty is always present in my world even amidst the greatest of joy. That little dark cloud even on the brightest day. The darkness, the fear …..it is in all the places it shouldn’t be. My little warrior has scans next week and I’m once again terrified. Thank you for finding the strength and courage to fight for us even when you have so much else going on. You are remarkable!

  11. My son died – I have great daughers – life sucks sometimes and you never get over it.

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