Ronan. Another week done. Another week closer to your baby sisters arrival. A lot happened this week for nothing happening at all. I’ve spent most of the week doing I don’t even know what. Taking care of your brothers has kept me pretty busy. I feel like I’ve poured everything I have into them just so they know how very loved they are. There is a new baby coming. I am trying to be fully aware of everything they may be feeling with this. How does a 9-year-old process the death of their little brother and soon after that, the birth of their little sister? I have no freaking idea. So all I am doing is talking with them as openly as I can while pouring every single ounce of love and affection I have to give, into them. Liam finally got his new glasses and has been wearing them around the house and when he is out and about with us. He looks so handsome in them. He won’t wear them to school yet and I’m not pushing that on him. I’m just trying to let him get used to them first. I wish you were here to see him in them and how proud he looked when he put them on and looked in the mirror at himself. The first time he put them on in the car he goes, “Wow! I can see perfectly!” It made me laugh and broke my heart all at the same time. My sweet gentle giant. He slept with your daddy last night and I curled up in Quinn’s bed with him. Quinn must have told me 10 times how much he loves me. I snuggled up with him as we fell asleep. I always picture how it would be if you were here. I know you wouldn’t be sleeping in your bed but you would be snuggling up with your brothers instead. You loved being with them so much.
I saw Dr. Jo today for some therapy which included the chocolate cake she had waiting for me when I arrived. BEST.THERAPIST.EVER. We hashed out the weeks events. We talked about this Poppy girl and her birth. I told her I didn’t think I could make a specific birth plan for her because as with everything I do, winging it seems to be the best and works for me. I know she will be there and that is good enough for me. We have talked about having your Urn in the room with me. My only hesitation with that is that somebody might break your urn and ashes will go flying everywhere. But I think having your urn in the room with me as something to focus on might be good for me. We will see. I feel like I have been crying a lot. Crying when I’ve been hiking. Crying in bed. Crying when I’m driving. Crying over every song that comes on the freaking radio. My tears seem endless lately. It is just because I miss you so much. I just miss my best friend. I just miss my spicy monkey. I just want you back in the worst way possible. Dr. Jo asked me today when I thought I would be ready to forgive myself. I told her I didn’t know. That maybe Poppy would tell me when it is time in a secret way and only I will know what it means. Maybe you will let her know when it is o.k. for me to forgive myself for all the things I hate myself for that I know are truly not my fault. I think your sister is going to bring so much light into our world that I so very badly need. I think she will be able to hold my hand through this darkness in a way that nobody else can. I cannot believe she is almost here. I am so glad because I truly do not think I can wait much longer for her. I know I will be able to breathe much easier once she arrives. Both literally and figuratively.
It’s kind of been breakdown city over here this past week. It’s been one of those weeks where I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I walk around every single second of every single day knowing that you, the love of my life, died. I never for a second forget that. I constantly feel like I am just here, doing my best, but blindly stumbling through this life without you. I never forget that I don’t have your hand to hold, your little lips to kiss, your messes to clean up, your hair to wash, you to dress or tuck in at night. Some days, I don’t know how I live without being able to do all of those things with you or for you. What I wouldn’t give to be cleaning up your messes or wiping up your puke from the flu. Even when you were here, doing those things, it was never an annoyance to me. I never got mad or upset or complained about the lack of sleep or things I was “missing out” on because I was just so thankful to have you. Even before you were sick, I knew what a gift you were. I don’t understand how you are now sitting on top of my dresser in a fucking urn. I still don’t understand how this all happened. I promise I am doing my best, Ronan but it feels so hard at times. I still know you miss me as much as I miss you. I still know we were never meant to be apart. I will forever think that this is so wrong and so beyond fucked up.
Today, Dr. Jo asked me if Inferno Fuckwad Bob was still around. Meaning my nickname for my grief. I told her yes, but I didn’t hate him as much as I used to. She told me she knew that would happen as it’s part of this shift. How her grief has become one of her best friends. I nodded my head and told her that made sense as our grief is never going anywhere. She goes “That’s right. So we may as well invite him in for a cup of tea.” I understand now. I can’t spend my whole life angry and fighting with my grief. I live with my grief 24 hours a day, so I’d better learn how to make the best of it. Your daddy went to the Suns game tonight. Your brothers are at a birthday party. If you were here, we’d be off doing something fun. Instead I sit in our house and cry for you, alone, the way I like it. Sometimes I have to take a break from the outside world. It’s still hard for me to be among the normal, happy people of the world. I’d rather sit here with my best friend, Inferno Fuckwad Bob instead. At least I don’t have to wear pants for our date.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.