“Hey guys, do you want me to move back in with you?”


Ronan. Yesterday was a shit storm of a day, emotionally wise for me. I think I spent the day crying for almost 24 hours straight. It’s not enough that I have a dead kid, but sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be saving the world, along with everyone else around me. Most days I can handle it, but then after taking on so much, for so long, I will end up cracking. I had a super intense day of missing you yesterday and I just wanted a day where I could sit quietly, miss you and grieve for you, but I had some other things come my way that I needed to try to take care of. I had a day of feeling like I was doing nothing right, I was hurting everyone’s feelings, and all the expectations that people expect from me… well I just cannot not live up to them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live up to them. It’s hard for me to maintain relationships where people expect certain things of me. I will eventually let someone down, and I’m really hard on myself about that. It’s a kind of pressure that is just sometimes too much on top of all of this so instead, I just shut down and go away. I am just trying to do my best and I am fully aware that my best is often times, not good enough for others. I am always sorry about that and this is why the people who I am closest to in my life, know not to expect a thing. It’s really the only way I can do friendships now. They expect nothing and go completely bananas when I do rise up to the occasion and my hard work seems to be paying off. Take Stacy for instance. We had a phone call the other day with Bret Michaels assistant to get everything lined up for something we are doing with him. Bret has been so supportive of you and this fight, and I am so thankful for that.  About an hour after hanging up the phone, I saw I had a message from Stace. I listened to it and she was going on and on about what amazing things I have done, “I am so proud of you. Look at everything you have done, and you just keep going on with more and more amazing things. Ronan would be so proud of you.” I listened to her message, sobbing of course. Her words meant so much as they always do, but on that day especially as the day seemed to be extra hard for me. Stacy called to let me know how much she loves me, even when I can be bratty/hard to understand/crazy/overly emotional about everything related to you; because that’s what true friends do. They don’t want to tear you down, true friends are there to lift you up, especially in times that seem extra hard. For me, those are most days and Stacy never seems to forget that. I am truly grateful for friends like her.

It feels like a lot of people forget that at the end of the day, despite all the good I am trying to do, I am still just a grieving mom. It’s been hard to navigate the people who have come into my life and I’m suddenly having an identity crisis of being paranoid that I have been used and feeling like people have taken our situation tweaked it to their advantage. When it comes to all things  you, your life, your death, and everything that has come after, I am so protective and so sensitive to every little thing. I was driving to the airport to pick up your daddy and I was crying so hard I could barely see the road. I pulled over to take a little break and I also wanted to send CC a little text to check up on her as she was suddenly very on my mind. It turns out she too was having a shit storm of a moment exactly when I texted her. I called her and she picked up, crying too. I couldn’t even talk. “What’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong! Talk to me!” She yelled into the phone. Talk I did. Or more like the blubbering cry that I have come accustomed to. I could hardly get any of my words out, but she always knows what the huge problem is and why it is that I will forever be crying. I told her what it was that had set me off. I listened to her, listen. She calmed me down, but was still crying herself, therefore, I continued to cry as well. So that’s pretty much what we did on the phone for a good 45 minutes, was talk and cry and talk and cry. I hung up feeling sad for my friend and sad for myself but so thankful to have the friendship that we do. One where she knows I will never judge her and she will never judge me. I think back about going through all of this and the way Charisma treated me. Like her dying little flower that she would let wilt and die, but she would always be there to water it. I think back to the conversations I had with Charisma after you died, Ronan. A lot. They got me through some really dark times. I remember being on the phone with her a lot, always late at night as I would go outside and pace back and forth. “Maya. I didn’t like that last blog post. I’m scared for you. What can I do? Walk me through your head right now.” I would walk her through things and I always appreciated how honest she was with me about how hard this was, to watch me go through. She never whispered about me, she whispered with me. It doesn’t get much truer than that. That is a good soul. That is a good friend. I know she will always be here to whisper in the dark with me, Ronan. I always do this on the phone with her while looking up at the stars wondering if you can see me. Did you see me all those times, pacing like a wild animal, trying to explain to Charisma the method behind my madness? I always felt like you did. How I hope you still do.

We are back in Phoenix. Summer lazy lifestyle is officially over. It was a good summer, but for me, it was a very intense hard summer as well. Some reasons I will disclose. Some reasons I will not. Let’s just say I have been distracted by some very intense things going on inside the cancer world and on a personal level as well. Summer was hard and heavy, but I imagine it always will be. Your Sparkly said it best after listening to all that was going on when he said, “Darling, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but you cannot save the world.” I know this be that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try.

On my last night with your Nana and Papa, I was sitting on the floor with Poppy and we were all kind of watching, “Orange is The New Black,” (my new favorite series that I am NOT embarrassed to say I watched in an 24 hour period) I looked up to see your Nana sitting on the couch and Papa Jim in his chair.

“Hey, do you guys want me to move back in with you?! That would be so fun!”

They both just kind of laughed and Papa Jim said something like, “Oh, yes! Please do!” In his smart-ass voice.

“I really would. You guys are really awesome roommates.”

I don’t think your daddy would be down with that, but the bottom line is, I LOVE BEING HOME. With my family, so much. We are always so well taken care of and loved there. Thanks, Rosa aka, Mom. You are the best mom on the planet and I love you so much. Thanks for ALWAYS loving and never judging. Even when I was at my worst. We miss you and Papa Jim so much already.

Alright, little man. I need to go now. I’ve got another post to post after this, explaining a little about what has been going on in the cancer world that I am just SICKENED over. It’s something we’ve been dealing with for months, but only now am I going to speak very lightly about it. Why can’t people in this world just DO THE RIGHT THING? Especially when it comes to bright minds who are only trying to save the lives of others.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


12 responses to ““Hey guys, do you want me to move back in with you?””

  1. Maya- You never cease to amaze me with your eloquence in writing this blog. This particular post made me sick to my stomach (not in I’m disgusted way), more in a my heart is hurting so bad for the pain you must feel, which I cannot understand in any sense of the matter. I’ve never felt more attached to a person I’ve never met. It kills me to read that people would take advantage, but the sad truth is we all know it happens, because some people are self centered and only care about personal gain.
    I’m now babbling. Long story short, you are amazing!

  2. RoMama
    Thinking of you & Ro
    Always rolove

  3. Maya, you amaze me every day. Every day. But you are, first and foremost, and grieving mommy. We all realize that. We don’t expect you to be SuperWoman, even though we know you want to be. While you are taking care of your family, and your Poppy, and everyone who benefits from all the hard work that you do, every damned day, you have to take care of YOU too.

    Much love to you all. I am knitting a special little POPPY dress that will be totally wearable once the weather cools off here in FeeNix. I will send it along as soon as it is complete; I found the most perfect yarn with bright Poppy colors and a thread of purple all the way through for Ronan, and I knew what I needed to do with it.


  4. Maya,
    You do so many wonderful things, and know that we are all here to help you achieve your goals from all around the world. You are amazing for everything you do, even if you don’t think it is always enough, but you are also a mama with a beautiful family and you have them to look after too. We know you do your best and although you might think some people don’t see you doing enough, we see it, every single thing you do to help make this broken world a better place and we love you for it.
    Always Rolove xxx

  5. Hi Maya, I’m sitting in a doctor’s office on the east coast…it’s 7:26am and I was late to my appt so I’m sitting here reading my emails. I just finished reading your post and I’m sitting here thinking of you and my heart hurts for you and your loss of your Ronan. I put my phone away, pick up a health magazine, you know the kind that sit in the doctors office, the kind I usually don’t pick up, I picked this one up and start breezing through it and I can’t believe the article I see…Remembering Ronan. A nice article about your Taylor and how she reached out to you, about your sweet Ronan. I think of you often and hope you are feeling some sunshine today!

    1. Sorry I used the word “sitting” three times in my post…that’s what no caffeine does to me!

  6. Your Mr. Sparkly was right . . . you can’t take on the whole world. Just take things one day at a time if you can. Easier said then done, I know. By the way, I’m 60 years old. My Mom is 85 and my Papa Julius is 88. I’d move back in with them if a minute if they’d let me!!

    Thank you Maya for all your are doing for our children.

  7. Don’t think for a moment that any of us forget what pain you are in. I know it is nothing to your loss, but all your readers feel the sadness and heavy loss of your boy. Each person deals with pain differently; some hide, others fight. Whatever we do, we all want to fix the situation and make it all ok again. I’m so sorry that your family is stuck in this hell. I know you want to save other mothers and children from the same fate, and you will. Your campaigning and fund raising will be massively important in the fight against childhood cancer. But you cannot do it alone, and sadly it’ll be a slow process. A day will come when children will not have to suffer from cancer, it will be treated easily and painlessly. That day will come, but it will take time. I’m sorry you have to carry this sad burden, we will all try to ease it a little for you with our support and love. I wish it was enough to ease your pain.

    Keep smiling for that Poppy girl, Woody, the twins and Ro. x

  8. Colleen Fisher Avatar
    Colleen Fisher

    Big hug to you. ❤ you and all you do – no matter what. #roloyalty xo

  9. True friends will love you no matter what although we sometimes end up finding who is here to stay or go when things are bad. Many are not strong enough to help us or stand next to us while we battle our wars. Keep those special few close to your heart.

    I am so glad that you have a place you love…and that your momma and papa Jim bring you peace. :). That little Poppy girl is just adorable! And, I too watched Orange is the New Black in record time…..I loved it so much, I may watch it again! #pornstache

  10. I find myself wanting to like your posts… But then I just can’t bring myself to do so. It’s like in a crowd of people someone tells their tragic story and can’t finish and the crowd only can think of one way to support the person so they can continue and they clap! They CLAP AND CLAP! I want to show support. But to me it’s NOT by a clap! I just can’t bring myself to join in. I’d rather say “hush now don’t cry” and give a hug! Your story is tragic and I can’t clap! But I think letting you know I care is so much better! Sorry your in so much pain!

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