Ronan. Yesterday was a shitstorm of a day, emotionally, for me. I think I spent almost 24 hours straight crying. It’s not enough that I have a dead kid, but sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be saving the world along with everyone else around me. Most days I can handle it, but after taking on so much for so long, I crack. I had a super intense day of missing you yesterday, and I just wanted a day where I could sit quietly, miss you, and grieve for you. Instead, other things came my way that I needed to try to take care of. I felt like I was doing nothing right, like I was hurting everyone’s feelings, and that all the expectations people have of me are ones I just cannot live up to. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.
It’s hard for me to maintain relationships where people expect certain things from me. I will eventually let someone down, and I’m really hard on myself about that. It’s a kind of pressure that is sometimes just too much on top of all of this, so instead I shut down and go away. I am just trying to do my best, and I am fully aware that my best is oftentimes not good enough for others. I am always sorry about that. This is why the people I am closest to in my life know not to expect a thing. It’s really the only way I can do friendships now. They expect nothing and go completely bananas when I do rise to the occasion and my hard work seems to pay off.
Take Stacy, for instance. We had a phone call the other day with Bret Michaels’ assistant to get everything lined up for something we are doing with him. Bret has been so supportive of you and this fight, and I am so thankful for that. About an hour after we hung up, I saw I had a message from Stace. I listened to it, and she was going on and on about the amazing things I have done. “I am so proud of you. Look at everything you have done, and you just keep going with more and more amazing things. Ronan would be so proud of you.” I listened to her message, sobbing, of course. Her words meant so much, as they always do, but especially on that day, when everything felt extra hard. Stacy called to let me know how much she loves me, even when I can be bratty, hard to understand, crazy, or overly emotional about everything related to you. That’s what true friends do. They don’t tear you down. They lift you up, especially when things are hard. For me, that’s most days, and Stacy never seems to forget that. I am truly grateful for friends like her.
It feels like a lot of people forget that at the end of the day, despite all the good I am trying to do, I am still just a grieving mom. It has been hard to navigate the people who have come into my life. I’m suddenly having an identity crisis, feeling paranoid that I have been used and that people have taken our situation and tweaked it to their advantage. When it comes to all things you — your life, your death, and everything that has come after — I am so protective and so sensitive to every little thing.
I was driving to the airport to pick up your daddy, crying so hard I could barely see the road. I pulled over to take a break, and I wanted to send CC a quick text to check on her because she was suddenly very on my mind. It turns out she was having a shitstorm of a moment exactly when I texted her. I called, and she picked up, crying too. I could barely talk. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Talk to me!” she yelled into the phone. Talk I did — or more like blubbered. I could hardly get my words out, but she always knows what the huge problem is and why I will forever be crying. I told her what had set me off. I listened to her listen. She calmed me down, but she was still crying herself, so I kept crying too. That’s pretty much what we did for 45 minutes — talk and cry, talk and cry. I hung up feeling sad for my friend and sad for myself, but so thankful for the friendship we have. One where she will never judge me, and I will never judge her.
I think back to how Charisma treated me through all of this — like her dying little flower she would never let wilt without watering. I think about the conversations I had with her after you died, Ronan. A lot. They got me through some really dark times. I remember pacing outside late at night, on the phone with her. “Maya, I didn’t like that last blog post. I’m scared for you. What can I do? Walk me through your head right now.” And I would. I always appreciated how honest she was about how hard it was to watch me go through this. She never whispered about me — she whispered with me. That is a good soul. That is a good friend. I know she will always be here to whisper in the dark with me. I always did it while looking up at the stars, wondering if you could see me. Did you see me all those times, pacing like a wild animal, trying to explain the method behind my madness? I always felt like you did. I hope you still do.
We are back in Phoenix. Summer’s lazy lifestyle is officially over. It was a good summer, but it was also intense and hard for me. Some reasons I will share. Some I will not. Let’s just say I have been distracted by some very intense things going on in the cancer world and on a personal level. Summer was heavy. Your Sparkly said it best after listening to everything: “Darling, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but you cannot save the world.” I know this, but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try.
On my last night with your Nana and Papa, I was sitting on the floor with Poppy while we were all kind of watching Orange Is the New Black — my new favorite series, which I am not embarrassed to admit I watched in a 24-hour period. I looked up and saw your Nana on the couch and Papa Jim in his chair.
“Hey, do you guys want me to move back in with you? That would be so fun!”
They laughed, and Papa Jim said something like, “Oh, yes! Please do!” in his smart-ass voice.
“I really would. You guys are awesome roommates.”
I don’t think your daddy would be down with that, but the bottom line is I love being home with my family. We are always so well taken care of and loved there. Thanks, Rosa — aka Mom. You are the best mom on the planet, and I love you so much. Thanks for always loving and never judging, even when I was at my worst. We miss you and Papa Jim so much already.
Alright, little man. I need to go. I have another post to write after this, explaining a little about what has been going on in the cancer world that has me sickened. It’s something we’ve been dealing with for months, but only now am I going to speak lightly about it. Why can’t people in this world just do the right thing? Especially when it comes to bright minds who are only trying to save the lives of others.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
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