More Gold Party Details!

I had a board meeting last night at The W. I am so excited for this party! It’s going to be Romazing! I’ve had so many people ask about the details for tables, which are going fast. As of now, you can purchase a table starting at $700 dollars. This includes: 10 tickets to the party, a bottle of Magnum Champagne and a bottle of Belvedere Vodka.

If you would like to purchase a table, please use the contact info below. But hurry! They are going fast!!!

RSVP
For VIP table reservations contact VIP@triyar.com or 602-405-0099

Again, here is the link to buy regular tickets. Those too, are going really fast. Thank you so much to everyone who has been buying them!!!

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/events/goldparty

Thank you to my sisters/family/board members who have worked so hard on this. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. This event is going to be so special and fun!

See you all there!

xoxo

Ronan. I’ve been writing. Just not posting. I know you know why. I’m sorry. Today, I’m doing the candy cart for you at PCH. I think it’s going to take a lot to get me through today. I think I could use you around, to help me. I’ll be seeing lots of little bald heads, but yours will always be my favorite. I love you baby boy. I miss you so much. I promise to post what I’ve been writing, soon. I just can’t right now. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

 

Stuck on the Top of a Mountain in the Middle of a Haboob. A Haboob. Google it. It’s real.

Ronan. I made it through today. But tomorrow has to come now, too. The 9th. 16 months. Oh, and don’t forget August 13th, your diagnoses day. It’s always something around here. What choice do I have but to keep rolling with the punches? I don’t. This fucking bullshit grief/bereaved parent/life thing is such fucking bullshit. It’s a constant struggle to feel like I can breathe on most days. How did I get through today? With your help of course. It’s always you that helps me through the most.

I got through today by trying to be kind to myself. I got through today by allowing myself to feel, whatever it is that I needed to feel. I got though today by a little help from my friends and strangers. I got through today by looking at the smiles on your brothers faces. I got though today with the little sign that you sent me to let me know that you are still with me. It was a long fucking day though. I am beat.

Who gets off a red-eye only to land straight on my door step with flowers, donuts, a card, and some silly school things for your brothers? Only our crazy, Heather Freaking Firecracker. Our spicy little friend whose heart is bigger then her body. Not like that is saying much, because she is so itty bitty. She made my morning a little brighter which helped contain my tears for the drop off that I had to do. I dropped off your brothers. I didn’t let myself sit there and sob. I peeled out of that school like my hair was on fire. Not really. I may break a lot of rules, but speeding in a school zone is not one of them. I took a deep breath and calmly left school. I ran some errands. I had a mini breakdown in a parking lot, in my car. I looked at my phone. Your Sparkly: I hope you are o.k. Me: Not o.k. I’m sorry. I can’t believe he is not here. I think I let him down. Him: Please don’t do this. You are the best mom. You did NOT let him down. Me: insert sobbing here: It wasn’t enough. How could it not have been enough? You are making me cry. Stop making me cry. He knows it wasn’t him, who was making me cry. It never is. I pulled it together. I drove through a drive through car wash, for you. Because I used to just take you to them, when our car wasn’t even dirty because you loved them so much. I met a stranger for coffee. We have a mutual friend. She asked if I could meet this week. I jumped at the chance to meet her today. She knew what today was. I told her that it would give me something to look forward to; our little meeting of strangers. I left there feeling like she could be my friend.

I went to the freaking grocery store. I hate the grocery store. I made myself get things done for your brothers. I told myself I was going to cook dinner tonight. I picked your brothers up from school. “Hi boys! How was your day? Tell me everything!” I asked 50 questions. They were so happy. They had such a good first day. I tried my best to push down my sadness. I am so glad they had such a wonderful day. I let this fill me with the little happiness that I am capable of feeling now. It’s enough. I get them home, make snacks, we start homework. I engage and help them. A treat is left at our front doorstep by one of our friends/neighbors. This melts my broken heart. It makes your brothers smile. They gobble up the deliciousness. Your daddy gets home. We cook dinner, together. Kind of. Not really. I let him cook. I shredded the lettuce. Does that count? I don’t sit down to eat. I don’t eat again today. It’s o.k. I’m not hungry. I get a text from our lovie, Kassie. “Do you want to hike? I need to for my sanity.” “Absolutely,” I say. “I’ll meet you on our mountain, at 7.” Your daddy takes the boys to The Village.

I meet up with Kass. The girl who is literally looks like sunshine, but with a bit of a dark cloud above her. I call that dark cloud, wisdom and pain. Wisdom and pain that gives her young life, so much more meaning than others. I met her through this blog. The crazy thing is, after we started up our little friendship, we both found out that you shared a room at PCH with her brother who was going through cancer treatment. He was older. I never met Kassie. I am so glad I know her now. She likes to inferno hike with me. She even goes to the inferno without me. We sat at the top for a long time. We talk about everything. We talked a lot about you. A man came up to the top. We struck up a conversation with him. It was odd. Everyone has a story. He told us he liked to hike to the top of the mountain and then say 5 things that he was grateful for. He asked if we wanted to do it out loud with him. Sure. O.k. Why not. He said his list. I went next. Deep breath. I tried to clear my head. I struggled with what to say. I need to work on my gratitude list a little more I guess. I managed to come up with 5 things. I think they were this:

1) My husband. He walks on water.

2) My twins

3) The love between myself and my Ronan. He is the reason I continue to go on. He is the reason for everything I do.

4) The kindness of strangers

5) My family and friends.

It took everything for me to not scream from the top of my lungs, ” I AM NOT GRATEFUL FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE CANCER KILLED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, ALWAYS, BEFORE ALL OF THIS! I DIDN’T NEED THIS LESSON!THIS LESSON IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

If this would have been a year ago, I would have screamed all of those things and then jumped off the side of the cliff. See, I am growing! Gold star for me! That would have been my anger taking over today. I controlled it. I will work on my grateful list a little more, for you.

Kassie’s list was great. She is a good girl who is grateful for everything and just wants to help make this world a better place. I was grateful for her list.

The man left after he decided that we might be insane, due to our snarkiness about how kids dying from cancer, is not the way to learn a life lesson. No thanks, buddy. We would rather have learned it another way. But thanks for playing with us. I’m sorry your puppy died. Bye-Bye. He left. We watched. The lightning danced around us. “Where is the moon”? Kassie asked. “That’s weird. It’s not out tonight. Why is it so light out? It’s 8:00.” I said. We couldn’t figure it out. The clouds started to roll in. “Look. Those clouds came out of nowhere. It’s not supposed to storm tonight.” I said. We watched some more. The wind started whipping around us. “Crap! Kassie said. “I think we are trapped in a Haboob!”  I just laughed. “We totally are! Ronan is so pissed he didn’t get to start kindergarten today!” We sat at the top of our RoChurch tonight for a good 45 minutes and let the storm whip around us. No rain. Just a lot of dust and wind. We laughed. I might have cried for a second. I waited for it to calm down, so we could get off of the mountain. After the wind had settled, we got up and headed down. It was so bright, without the moon, that we didn’t need a light. So strange. We made it down the mountain and that’s when it happened. Only you could do this, for me. The second my foot touched the exact spot of where I have one of my favorite pictures in the world of you, a rain drop kissed my lip. “Kass! Did you feel that? It’s raining! It’s raining and I have this picture or Ronan, right here, in this very spot.” We both stopped and waited. It took a minute for her to feel it. But then, big, huge tears fell from the sky. But only right where we were standing. “That is so Ronan,” I said. “He always does this for me, when I need it the most.” We extended out our arms and let the big, sloppy wet tears fall on our faces. I smiled. “He’s the best.” We stayed for a few minutes and enjoyed the rest of your little storm. A sign from you that I very much needed today. Thank you, baby doll.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I will try to do something dangerous for our danger day tomorrow. Fuck you 16 months.

xoxo

Thank Ro(not God) for that Dental Floss tonight

Ro baby. I am going to try to write tonight; but I am tired. I will do my best because I miss you so very much and my mind is anything but still. Today started out o.k. Waking up knowing our reality, is never easy to do. I got up and started working on some things around the house. Organizing things. Very fun. I can tell things like this are going to become an obsession for me. Things that I can control, are very important to me now. Things were so out of control, for so very long, now it is as if I am becoming obsessed with the things I can control. Such as how much I exercise, how much I eat or don’t eat, the perfectly put away laundry….. I cannot wait to start project organization on my closet tomorrow. The once, carefree, chaotic life that we used to live, seems like a fairytale. It is no longer here. Oh, how I long for the chaos that you created. You used to leave my head spinning, but in such a good way. I could never keep up with you and your craziness. So, I just gave in and joined you instead. We were such a perfect match. You were the best little partner in crime. I miss you so much. I don’t like not having a partner in crime anymore. Trying to keep this up, without you, is so boring and dull. And just plain sad.

Ro baby. I didn’t finish that last night. I had to snuggle up with Quinn instead who was sobbing about how badly he misses you. I held him tight for a long time, in the bottom bunk of his bed. I didn’t know what to do; so I just held him and tried to comfort him. I kept telling him how sorry I was, how unfair all of this was, how much I loved him, how strong of a family we are…..but my words were of no comfort to him. I gave in and told him to let it all out, how it was good to cry about you. It ended up being too much, so I in turn, just gave in and cried with him. As soon as he noticed my tears, he sat up and said the words that he’s said to me a thousand times now….”You o.k. Mom?” I wiped my tears away and told him I would be o.k. if he was going to be o.k. He said that he would and we decided to climb up to the top of Liam’s bunk bed to sleep. Liam was snuggled in bed with your Daddy. I fell into another night of restless of sleep, with Quinn by my side.

The weekend is over. It was all pretty much a blur. We had friends over, ran errands, did things around the house, went Inferno Hiking a couple of times….. I had breakfast with my besties this morning. Me and my 3 dolls. Not many laughs, but more tears. It is o.k. though. I know there will come a time when we will laugh like we used to. It’s the friends that stick by your side, during the toughest of times; who you will be with until the end. I’m so lucky to have the girls’ that I do as they are truly the best of the best. I know I say this all of the time, but I wouldn’t be standing here, without them. My sisters for life.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Alone. I hate the grocery store so much. I needed to get things for the week. Once I stepped in the store, the panic took over. My head started spinning and I could not focus on a thing. I filled my cart with fruits, veggies, things to pack for your brothers lunches. I did not have a list, as I thought I could remember what I needed. I used to be so good at that. I knew there was something that I really needed to get at the store. The one thing that I could not forget. I had spent much of the day, reminding myself, over and over, what I needed to get. Once I was at the store, I could not remember what that one thing was; to save my life. I knew it was something to do with toiletries. I walked up and down the aisles, trying to remember what in the fuck it was that I needed. It wasn’t shampoo, soap, face wash, Q-tips…… I was about to burst into tears. Why is my brain not working anymore? This is so not fair. Why are you dead? You are dead and my memory is gone. I used to have a memory like an elephant. Almost photogenic. Just as the tears started to form, I turned down the toothpaste aisle. There it was, Ro! Dental Floss! I’ve never been so happy to see goddamn dental floss in my LIFE!

I made the mistake of going down the toy aisle. There it was. A Star Wars action figure that we never had. A new one. NONONONONONO. I picked it up. I started talking out loud, repeating, “Guy’s Helmet,” over and over just like you used to call them. I took a picture of it. I almost bought it. I had to set that toy down tonight and just walk away. I had to walk away from knowing that I couldn’t buy you that toy tonight and bring it home to you. You would have been so excited and I could almost feel you wrapping your arms around my neck and giving me one of your best kisses. I cannot believe that I cannot have that anymore.

Babydoll. I’ve got to say goodnight. Your daddy is sad and I just don’t know what to do with all of this. Everybody is sad. How can I fix everyone else around me when I am so badly shattered that the simple act of connecting, being attentive, loving, and compassionate to those closest to me, often leaves me locked in a bathroom, lights off, puking my guts out.

Thanks, Fuckwad Cancer for taking my baby away from all of us. I HATE YOU.

G’nite Ro. My babydoll. My “not spicy,” monkey, my blue-eyed boy. I love you to the moon and back.

And P.S. WTF is this thing? It could be the most genius invention, EVER. Way better than the snuggie. Can somebody get me one of these? I would like to put it on and wear it for the rest of my LIFE. Stupid life. But this so made me crack up.

New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl

Ronan. Hi my baby. Nighttime is here. The stars are out. Everyone is asleep. Slumber party in my bed. I hate the time between now, and when I actually fall asleep. It’s too quiet, too calm, too still,  and too lonely without you. It’s the time when my heart feels the heaviest and my mind is so restless. Thoughts of you being gone fill my head and cannot be stopped. It’s as if my mind is screaming that you are gone, but my heart refuses to believe it. I cannot fully accept what is the truth, as true as it is. The magnitude of life without you is too much to take. This is a big part of why I write to you. I write until I can take no more, until I am so tired, that my mind and body finally give in and sleep comes to me. I have no idea how I am getting through this thing called life, especially with the lack of sleep that now consumes me. Somehow, I just keep on going, trying to do my best to ignore everything that is telling me to stop. I want so badly to stop being strong. I would give anything to have you back and to float through life, without knowing this pain. Who the fuck decided this was my lot in life? I want a refund.

All I can say is thank god for New York Miss Macy. I was this close to jumping off our balcony today. Ok…. not really, but she could not have come at a better time. Your brothers and I need a distraction and some laughs. She provided both of those things today. As soon as she arrived, there were hugs all around. We got her settled in and decided to walk to go and get some lunch. We took her to Burger Lounge, where and we all had lunch. Afterwords, we stopped at the candy store to get some treats. The same candy store that has toy pistols and rifles handing on the walls. All I wanted was for you to be with me so I could buy you one. I imagined you running down the street with us, shooting everyone. I stared at them for a minute and caught myself starting to get choked up. I am so glad for what happened next as it has kept me giggling all night. I watched this scene play out like a movie. Let’s call it: “New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl.” Ready……scene….. ACTION!

– Maya goes to the register to pay for her candy and the grouchy teenaged girl working, gives her the total bill with a scowl on her face. Maya watches as New York Miss Macy is standing next to her and takes a couple of pieces of candy out of her bag, before paying, and starts to eat them. Maya watches as the Candy Store girls eyes glance over to New York Miss Macy and a look of annoyance comes over her face. Maya thinks to herself, “Is the Candy Store girl really getting mad because Macy is eating a few pieces of her bulk candy before she pays??” She decides it is only her imagination as isn’t it a given that you munch on a few pieces of candy before you pay when you go into a  bulk candy store?? Not 3 seconds later, the Candy Store girl looks at Macy and goes, “I’m going to actually need you to PAY for that candy, BEFORE you eat it.” Macy, whom is clueless as to what she was even doing because it is just second nature, looks up and goes, “Um…. what?? Yeah, o.k.” Maya is trying to hide her laugher. Macy pays and we scurried out of the store. As soon as we exited, we burst into laughter. Macy goes, “Wait, did I really just get reprimanded for eating a few pieces of my candy by a 15-year-old girl? What is she, the candy police???” This is so something that would only happen to Macy. It made for a lot of laughs tonight.

After our candy store incident, we continued on our walk back to our condo. As we were all 4 walking back, we were looking out at the ocean. Dolphins appeared. We stopped to watch and ended up climbing down some rocks to sit on the beach for a while. We watched the dolphins and played in the sand and water. We ended up having a sand and water fight because sometimes in life, it just makes sense to do silly things like that. It made perfect sense tonight. You would have loved every second of it. At one point, Liam and Quinn were in the distance, playing, just the two of them. It was surreal to watch and I felt as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I will never get used to it just being the two of them, without you injected in the middle. Nothing is right anymore and nothing makes sense. As we were walking back, I got a text from Danielle. It was if she had read my mind from a few minutes earlier as her wording was almost eerie. Something along the lines of how she wants you back so badly for me that it hurts. How you are the light, the finishing touch, the pistol that keeps me alive. She then ended it with, “Fuck. I hate life.” Danielle is one of those people in my life who just gets it. She gets everything. She has a lifeline to my soul and to yours. Her words brought me comfort, for as sad as they may be; they are always true and real. She takes the time to really sit and think about all of this that we are going through and when we do talk about it, I feel as if she is living inside my mind because she says everything that I am thinking. We have a very strong spiritual connection. Thanks, D. Miss you much.

Now that Macy is here, I was able to get in my run tonight. I was totally unmotivated and dreading it. I almost didn’t go. The little voice in the back of my head would not have shut up if I didn’t. I knew this so I headed out the door and ran a fast 6 miles. It actually ended up being a really good run. I’ve missed the pain and release of running these past few days. I broke my record on my NIKE iPhone app for my fastest 10k. Guess I was feeling it after all. I returned feeling better and hopped in the shower before we started movie night. The boys and I decided that we would introduce Macy to one of our favorite movies, Ro. “Zombieland.” She had never seen it and it had her laughing within seconds of turning it on. The more I watch that movie, the more I love it. Seriously, Top 10 favorite movies of all time for me. She loved it too. I knew that during all that laugher, one thing was going to get to her. That one line that will forever cut like a knife. “Take away a man’s son, and you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” I watched her wipe the tears from her eyes. I’ve decided that I would like to live in Zombieland because this normal life without you is for the birds. If I have to live without you, I would rather do it by being a badass and killing Zombies than living in this painful life that now exists. At least I would have a lot of things to take my anger out on, besides myself and the nobody who answers to me. The nobody that is to blame, the invisible being that took you away. Somebody should have to answer to me and to explain why. I hate that nobody can give me a reason for this because there should be a reason. If you had to be taken away, I want to know why. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out why this happened to you, but I don’t know how I can ever come to peace with any of this unless I have somewhat of an answer. Gee, fuckwad. Thanks for the fucking journey that I now get to figure out in life. Thanks for taking my beautiful life and smashing it into a million pieces. I HATE YOU.

But I love you, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I am still here, despite my pleas to you. I’ll stay here for as long as you want me to be. I know I have to help change the way of this disease for you. Everything I do in my life will be for you. Everything I have done in my life since the birth of you and your brothers, has always been done by putting you all first. I was so happy to do this. It brought me such happiness. Now, I have to go on and continue to do what I have been doing for so long, which is being a mom; without you. I will continue to do this but I will never stop feeling like I have a limb missing. As well as a big chunk of my heart. This is permanent. These scars are not going anywhere. I don’t know how people say they fade either. If anything, I think they just get worse. They are for me anyway. To each his own.

I love you baby. I love you so, so much. I miss you every second of the day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

                             Family Forever

New York Miss Macy, Quinny, Mama Maya, and Li Li