Game over! I lose, you win! Bring back my baby!


Ronan. Hi my baby. I have not written in a few days. I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to write when your daddy is here and your brothers do not go to bed until super late. I’m not sure what we’ve done. The usual, except these past two days have been really hard on me. Struggling with a lot of things I guess. Panicking that we are coming back to Phoenix soon. I don’t know how I’m going to walk into our empty house without you. How I’m going to go back to our life without you. I’ve done a lot of crying. A lot of screaming. A lot of this cannot be my life. But it is. Nothing can change that.

I remember feeling o.k. just a few days ago. I remember laughing with Liz as we decided to rent paddle boards and take them out in the ocean. We somehow managed to get those monstrous beasts in my car. One stuck out the sunroof, the other one out the back-end of my car as we drove though town with my trunk open. We broke just a few traffic violations. Once we got to the beach, we put on our sunscreen and took our Orange and Lime Green Zinc sunscreen on and wrote “Ro,” on one side of our cheek, and a big star on the other. I told Liz that it was our way of taking you with us and you would protect us from Sharks;) Genius idea. We took Liam and Quinn out with us first, somehow managing to get them past the break of the waves. Quinn was on my board with me as I swam us out further into the ocean. I crawled up on the board with him as I listened to him tell me how we were out too far, how he didn’t like it, how he was scared. I validated all of his feelings but also explained to him that he needed to take in a deep breath and just look at nature and the beauty of the ocean. I talked to him about how important these experiences were in life, because if you don’t take chances trying new things, the beauty of things will never be discovered. He listened to me, but didn’t seem to buy much of it. I paddled him back into shore, and he played on the beach while I went back out into the ocean. I fell in love with paddle boarding or Sup boarding as most people call it. It’s a lot harder than it looks and I was told by a friend, that you are supposed to learn how to do it in the Bay first, then move on to the ocean. Oh well. Go big or go home, right? It was a really peaceful experience although I did get a lot of bumps and bruises. I think Liz may have almost broken her foot due to a wipeout from a wave. Auntie Karen is convinced she needs an x-ray. The thought of just watching her live life and doing something new makes me smile though. I have learned the very hard way just how precious life really is and it makes me so sad to know that you will never be out there paddle boarding. It helped to have Liz there. And also, the dozen of dolphins that appeared. Liz kept saying what a great day it was. I couldn’t have agreed more.

Yesterday, I woke up early as I wanted to have a productive day. I know what happens if I don’t get myself tasks to do or something to wake up for as that is exactly what happened today. I got up before anyone else, I ran to Chula Vista to the car wash there. It is the one I used to always take you to. I got the car washed and on the drive home, I started to panic. The pain and memory of being there without you was just too much. I called Tricia and cried to her, screamed to her how I just wanted you back. How scared I am to go on without you. How I don’t want to. I sat in my car after I got off the phone with her and sobbed for 2 hours. I talked to Doriet for a good half an hour. We talked about you and Esther and how hard of the time we are both having. We seem to be in a very similar place. I talked to Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He did the thing he is best at which seems to be calming me down with his stern, yet compassionate words. He ended the conversation by telling me to get my ass out of the car and inside the house. I listened.

Once inside the house, I showered and tried my best to pull it together for the sake of your brothers. I put on my best “I’m dying on the inside, but smiling on the outside,” act. We went to lunch. I ate my half of sandwich. I threw it up. We got in the car and drove to the Del Mar race tracks. Bad idea. We acted like the perfect family. Somebody in line, waiting to bet, commented on how cool it was that we took our boys to bet on some horses. I just smiled. We went outside and watched a couple of races. My head was spinning. It seemed as if everyone around us was smoking. I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. I finally looked at Woody and said to him, “Look at all of these people, smoking. Why are they doing that?” He just shook his head. Everywhere I looked, people were drinking, laughing, all dressed up. Life was going on. How could it be? How can all of those people, just go on like you are not gone? How do they not all know about you?? I made us leave after about 45 minutes. It was all I could take. Once we got back to our condo, I told your daddy and brothers that I needed a little quiet time. I went down to the pool and sat with Auntie Karen for a couple of hours. I sobbed to her about you. I talked to her. She is worried, she is sad, she is hurting, she is missing you. She sat and held my hand and told me how I can get through this, how I will get through this, because I don’t have a choice. I told her I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. She talked about how that isn’t what you would want, how that wouldn’t be honoring your life. I told her I knew, but all I want is to be with you. She said that she thinks you are always with me. I still wonder where you are. After my day of crying, I somehow managed to get back upstairs and I put myself in bed. I popped an Ambien at 8:30 p.m. Lights out early for me, which I never do.

Guess what time I got out of bed today? 2:00 p.m. Bad mommy. I couldn’t do it today. I slept and cried and slept and cried. I held on to your blanket. Your daddy tried to pull me out of bed. I told him I hated him. I told him he promised me you wouldn’t die. I told him to bring you back. I said a lot of mean things that I shouldn’t have. I am human. I make mistakes. I am sorry for my words, as I didn’t mean them. It is as if I am turning into this person who is going to let cancer win. I’m spinning out of control into a world that I don’t want to be in, but I don’t know if I have the strength left to fight it. I’ve fought this since the second you got sick. I’m tired. Am I going to have to fight this hard for the rest of my life?? Will I ever feel normal again?? Will there ever come a day that I can just do something so simple and sweet like enjoy the sweet San Diego sun without feeling like a knife has just been ripped through my heart when I see families with their 3 boys, riding bikes around the island??

Today, after your daddy pried me out of bed, I got up and showered. We headed out for a movie. Captain America. I was restless. Quinn didn’t like it. I took Olivia and Quinn to the bathroom in the middle of the movie. We didn’t go back to our seats after that. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t concentrate, my mind kept wandering to places it shouldn’t be. The 3 of us walked around Fashion Valley instead. We met your daddy and Liam at P.F. Changs for dinner. We colored a Kitty Cat for Liz and sent her a picture of it. I engaged as best as I could. I played a game of scrabble with Liam on my phone. He beat me. I was happy to let him;)

Once we returned home, I slipped out for a much-needed 8 mile run. I ran at a fast pace…. 8:08 tonight. My whole body hurt but I didn’t care. I don’t care. Whenever the pain sets in I think of you. I think of you and all that poison they put into your little body. I think off all the surgeries, the bone marrow aspirations, the pokes, the prods, all the things that caused you pain. You pushed through it so I will too. I talked to a friend tonight about you. He told me everything I already know but I need to hear it. He told me how it is unacceptable to lay in bed all day, how it is unfair to Liam and Quinn. I know he is right. I will try harder tomorrow. We only have a little time left here. It is important that we make that time special. I don’t want them ending their summer going back to Phoenix with memories of me not getting out of bed. That is so unfair to them. Do you want to hear the saddest thing yet? Quinny, your 8-year-old brother, thinks it’s his job to take care of me. Quinn. I was in bed tonight, reading and he was walking all around, putting things away, asking me if I needed dinner because I didn’t eat. He asked if he could make me a sandwich. He asked if he could bring me a water and then did and opened the bottle for me. He put away my camera that was out of its case. He finally laid down by me with his iPad. He said he wanted to write to you. This is what he wrote:

To Ronan today we went to see a move to see caption america i love you ro from Quinn

He also wrote this:

Good Night ronan I love you from quinn to ronan

As I read it he laid his little head down on my arm. I whispered in his ear that you love him too. 3 seconds later, I felt warms tears dripping on my arm. They were his tears. I grabbed him, held him, told him how sorry I was, how I would do anything to bring you back. I sat and we cried together. I told him how important it is to cry about you, how healthy it is for us because we cannot keep it bottled up inside. I told him how proud I was of him. He soon fell asleep in my arms. The angle of his face tonight from where I was watching him, looked exactly like you Ronan. I see a lot of you in Quinn all of the time. It makes me smile. After Quinn fell asleep, I tried to join him, without my Ambien. FAIL. I slept for maybe an hour, but tossed and turned. I just had to pop one about 20 minutes ago. Here we go, coma induced sleep. It’s not good for me and my dreams are fighting to come out. I have remembered a couple of them. I never get to see you. I’m always talking to people and they are always saying how sorry they are that you are gone. I’m always the mom who lost her son. I can’t be that mom for the rest of my life. I have to make something bigger come out of this so I won’t get overshadowed by that title. Tomorrow will be a better day, right?? It has to be. I’ve got to get out of this bad place that I am in. Like Doriet said to me, we have 2 choices, to either live this life, or not. And if we do decide to stay, then we have to live it to the best we are capable of. Laying in bed all day is just not the answer. So if that won’t work, then what will? That is what I have to figure out little man. I need your help more than ever.

I know I am going to need deep, intensive therapy when we get back. So is your daddy and the boys. I’ve got to deal with this stuff head on or else it is just going to fester and get worse and worse. I am ready to start working hard to save myself. If I can save myself, I feel like I can save everything else that needs to be saved. I might actually be able to go on as a wife and mother. But that’s not going to happen if I don’t start doing some seriously deep grief counseling. This will become my job for a while. I’m so pissed I want to punch this computer screen. I don’t want this job. I want the job of taking care of you, Ronan. JUST FUCKING COME BACK HERE ALREADY! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THIS EXPERIMENT IS OVER. I FAILED. I FAILED BECAUSE I AM HALF A HUMAN BEING, WIFE, MOTHER WITHOUT YOU. YOU WIN. PLEASE JUST BRING HIM BACK TO ME!!!! I scream these words all the time. I have decided that I am not sane anymore. Hey, at least I’ve got that figured out. At least I’ve got that going for me. Lock me up and throw away the key. I don’t care.

Ronan. I’m sorry if I’m making you sad by being so sad. I would never want that. I hope you still believe in me and know I can still do this. But mommy is going to have more bad days then good for a while. At least that’s what they say. Seems to make sense. I’m sleepy now. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back my favorite not spice monkey boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro. Please visit your brothers in their dreams tonight. They need you.

xoxo

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10 thoughts on “Game over! I lose, you win! Bring back my baby!

  1. Laura

    So sorry you are having a rough time. Glad you are going to give it your best to give the boys good memories of the summer. Aunt Karen is right to get you into someone who you can talk with upon returning home . So glad the Kotaliks are there with you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. All our love to you all.

  2. Michelle H.

    Hi Maya~ I just wanted you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. It makes sense to me that you’d be struggling more now with your beach time coming to an end and school around the corner. Transitions in ‘regular life’ can be tough, so these transitions in the midst of grief must seem beyond overwhelming. You are doing the best that you can. And that is beyond okay. Much love~michelle

  3. Rosemary S.

    Hi Maya.
    Love is such a wild, crazy, deep, raw thing isn’t it! The more you love, the more of YOU that you give away. Sometimes, I think that a person can give her/his whole self away…because of love and then have nothing left for one’s self. It’s painful. Love so strong that you “are” the other person…and when that person leaves for whatever reason…the raw pain is there. It takes a lot to get through all those pains. You will do this. You can get through this. Your smile will come back…it will be genuine and pure. You will win.
    Little man Quinn…such a heart of gold. It’s hard to watch a child in emotional pain. But, I think it’s good that he experiences this now instead of letting it fester. It’s ok to cry. When he tries to take care of you a little, I think that’s great. It gives him a sense of purpose, a sense of being needed. It helps HIM to help YOU. (I remember doing the same things when I was young…caring for someone, wanting to be needed at the time.) You and your hubby will guide both of your sons to strength, light, hope, happiness.
    I am thankful always in knowing that you have such good family and friends surrounding you. You are a smart woman in listening to the wise ones who love you.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Let’s hope that the world will be kinder today.
    Hugs.

  4. Rita Dickinson

    Maya – you, Woody, Liam and Quinn still have a whole community of people who support you. We’re here when days and nights suck. I’m sure it makes Quinn feel good when he takes care of you. Just know you continue to be in my thoughts.

  5. Glenda

    Maya…

    I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. I just want to send you a big hug. I can only imagine how painful it will be coming back into your house. Baby steps! Ronan will guide you!

    Quinn… wow… what a big, mature young boy. Watching over his mama. That’s so bittersweet! I think it makes him happy knowing that although you are sad and hurting, he’s there for you.

    You and Woody will make it. You can’t let CANCER win!

    Thinking of you, Rockstar Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    Peace and strength Mama Bear!
    XO

  6. Cheska

    {{{hugs}}}

    If I could, I would
    Take your pain away
    If I could, I would
    Bring Ronan back to play
    If I could, I would
    Do that all today
    If I could, I would… =(

    {{{hugs}}}

  7. sara maurer

    Cancer will not win….somehow, someday, there will be something good from all of this. I cried really hard for you today while reading your post, especially when you talked of Quinn. That broke my heart. What a strong little boy who takes.such good care of you. They both do. I am so sad for you…I wish this were just a story. I know you will be ok, and you and Ronan will make amazing things happen. Please keep getting out of bed. Cancer will not win!

    I am also very sad about Jens passing. I took some time to
    look at her website..what an amazing soul. I’ve already learned a lot from her. I am sorry two more amazing people in your life are just gone. I truly hate.cancer and it can’t win!

    I hope today was better for you and Woody both.

    Peace and strength..

    Love,

    Sara

  8. MK

    This song gave me faith and brought me back from the edge many times. It is going to take time before you feel that your heart can open again but it will happen…someday…don’t worry about the when. Right now, it’s about making it through the moment. I remember wondering if I would ever have a day again where I didn’t think of her, where I didn’t miss her, when I wasn’t angry at the doctors who told me they couldn’t help me but yet helped others. There is so much pain and anger to work through. I know.

    You are doing so much to keep yourself going. Keep on keepin’ on. I would say that it was about 6 months after her passing that I realized the moments between thinking of life and thinking of her loss were becoming more and more spaced apart. I was also about 4 months before I didn’t feel every day like I wanted to die, too. (And, about 3 months before I wasn’t throwing up every day. :-(.)

    Sending you a virtual hug.

  9. Simplywe

    As a mother who lost her son to NB 5 years ago I can tell you that for me the pain has never left. It’s just different over time less raw. The jagged edges of my grief have smoothed over like rocks smoothed in a river. Sending thoughts of hope and love your way.
    If you ever want to talk, I am a good listener.

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