The summer of the Dolphins

Ronan. I’m not sure what I have written in these past few posts. I think they have been a little dark, scary, and sad though. I’m sorry. I had a better day today. I promise. I tried my best. We took your brothers for lunch and were deciding on going to the Zoo or to play football. They chose football. You would have loved it. You were missed by everyone. It still feels so strange, it just being the four of us. Not right at all. But we made the best of it that we could. After Football, your daddy and Liam went to run some errands. Quinny and I hung out here. As soon as they returned, I had a craving for Pinkberry. Quinn and I hopped in the car to drive to downtown San Diego to pick some up. As I was texting Liz to see if she wanted any, she told me to come over to the bench that she and her mom were sitting on, in front of the El Camino Pool. I parked and walked over with Quinn. Liz started to tell her mom to tell me what they had figured out about all the dolphins we have seen. Karen said no, not in front of Quinn. I sat and just watched the ocean. About 5 minutes later, Quinn spotted the dolphins. Liz started crying. Karen and I held her as the tears rolled down her cheeks. I wasn’t aware of what they had figured out, but I knew it had something to do with the dolphins, Ronan, and me. It has been a strange dolphin summer. Every time I am out by the ocean, they just appear. Liz told Karen tonight, if they appeared when I came over to sit down at the bench,she was going to freak out. They appeared and that is when she started to cry. I knew why. We all know why, Ro. It is your sign to me that you are o.k. That you are happy, playful, and loved….. wherever you are. When I tried to get out to the dolphins on my paddle board the other day, as soon as I got out into the water, they all disappeared. It was weird. The second I was coming back into shore, they appeared right behind me, where I had been moments earlier. It’s like you are telling me, you can see me, but you can’t get too close. You will see me again, but it’s not time yet. You still want me to know you are here, you will always be here until we are ready to go off in our own little world together. I cried on that bench today too with Liz. She then went home and looked up some dolphin symbolism. So beautiful.

Dolphins seen in Christian art are symbolic of resurrection. Some artists utilize the protective, stabilizing, compassionate demeanor of the dolphin as a message of wellbeing to the pure of heart. Some artistic renditions speak of dolphins transporting the spirits of the faithful to Christ’s side upon leaving their physical bodies. Also in Greece, the dolphin is a compatriot of both the god Apollo (sun) and the goddess Aphrodite (moon).This is a key understanding because the dolphin meaning is connected with themes of duality. It has to do with the dolphin being both fish and mammal. It is both of the water, and an air breather. Ergo, dolphin symbolism talks to us about “being in two worlds at once.” Poseidon (Greek), Neptune (Roman)
Themes of kingship, rulership, authority, strength, dominion, freedom, intelligence, compassion and fatherly protection over the entire kingdom (sea).
Eros (Greek), Cupid (Roman)
These gods contribute dolphin meaning of: Love, friendliness, playfulness, sensuality, desire, exploration, curiosity, attraction and joy.
Dionysus (Greek), Bacchus (Roman)
These deities underscore the dolphins ability to uplift, and carries themes of joviality, freedom, wildness, abandon, creative self-expression. The term delphi is noteworthy as the Greek word for dolphin is delphis and its derivative, delphys means womb. This incorporates more lunar and feminine attributes to the dolphin scene. In Celtic animal symbolism, the dolphin as a highly honored creature as it was seen as the protector of sacred wells and sacred water. The dolphin, to the Celtic mind, is the watcher of the waters, and the guardians of all things water-associated. Pirate lore also hails the dolphin as a symbol of protection.

From my love, LIZ::::::: I know you’ve want to see Ronan in your dreams, but I swear… these fucking dolphins, Maya. My mom said when you guys were talking by the pool yesterday, they were there the entire time. I have no doubt in my mind they are the sign you’ve been looking for. I hope you can sleep better tonight knowing that Ro is always ALWAYS by your side. Love you so much.

I do believe this. It’s happened too many times for me not to. I can’t think of one time that I have not been out by the beach and not had them be there too. At the exact same time I am. I know they don’t just hang out there all day and night. It’s a sign indeed. A beautiful sign from my baby boy. Thanks, Ro. You know I needed that, especially after my hard couple of days.

I took Quinn to Pinkberry tonight. He is my little sidekick. Stuck like glue. He is sleeping between your daddy and I with you GiGi on his head. Just like the way you used to sleep with us after you got sick. I miss watching you sleep. I miss you squeaky voice so much. I’ve got to figure out how to get through this without you, Ro. I’ve got to “flip the switch,” as my friend says. I wish it were that simple, that easy. I need a better attitude?? I need to not miss you so much?? I need to find things to occupy my time?? Are those the answers? I don’t know. I hate the unknown. It’s days like today that I am happy that I got out of bed before 9 and I did my best to play with mommy role that feels so unnatural without you. But I did it. Sucked it up and did it.

I got a random text from my little 17-year-old airplane pal. I have not heard from him in forever. He said he was having a bad day, he is lonely, and he is tired of the drama with girls. This made me smile. Not to take away anything from what he is going though at 17, but what wouldn’t I give for those problems. He told me at 17 he just wants someone to share his life with. I told him the only people he needed to be sharing his life with at 17 are his friends and figuring out what truly makes him happy. I told him it could be a lonely journey, but it will be worth it. How if you take care of yourself first, everything will just fall into place. I told him how I understood, how at 17 I felt very restless and wasn’t really sure what I wanted out of my life so I took the time to leave my town and just focus on me. I never looked back. I told him how I have learned the very hard way how precious life really is, how I will forever be destroyed because I don’t get to watch you grow up. I told him that he, Bryson, has everything, right in front of him. My advice to him was not to let the petty things get him down, to take this time and live his life for him and nobody else, travel, get out of Utah, read books, run, play sports, study, fall in love 10 different times, make mistakes, learn from them, and then make them all over again. I think he liked what I had to say as he told me that I had just made his life sound 10 times more exciting. Glad I could help:) You are a good kid, B, so you will be just fine.

OK baby boy. Ambien nights are here. I love you to the moon and back. You are my heart, my soul, my everything, forever. Nothing can take that away. Sweet dreams, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl

Ronan. Hi my baby. Nighttime is here. The stars are out. Everyone is asleep. Slumber party in my bed. I hate the time between now, and when I actually fall asleep. It’s too quiet, too calm, too still,  and too lonely without you. It’s the time when my heart feels the heaviest and my mind is so restless. Thoughts of you being gone fill my head and cannot be stopped. It’s as if my mind is screaming that you are gone, but my heart refuses to believe it. I cannot fully accept what is the truth, as true as it is. The magnitude of life without you is too much to take. This is a big part of why I write to you. I write until I can take no more, until I am so tired, that my mind and body finally give in and sleep comes to me. I have no idea how I am getting through this thing called life, especially with the lack of sleep that now consumes me. Somehow, I just keep on going, trying to do my best to ignore everything that is telling me to stop. I want so badly to stop being strong. I would give anything to have you back and to float through life, without knowing this pain. Who the fuck decided this was my lot in life? I want a refund.

All I can say is thank god for New York Miss Macy. I was this close to jumping off our balcony today. Ok…. not really, but she could not have come at a better time. Your brothers and I need a distraction and some laughs. She provided both of those things today. As soon as she arrived, there were hugs all around. We got her settled in and decided to walk to go and get some lunch. We took her to Burger Lounge, where and we all had lunch. Afterwords, we stopped at the candy store to get some treats. The same candy store that has toy pistols and rifles handing on the walls. All I wanted was for you to be with me so I could buy you one. I imagined you running down the street with us, shooting everyone. I stared at them for a minute and caught myself starting to get choked up. I am so glad for what happened next as it has kept me giggling all night. I watched this scene play out like a movie. Let’s call it: “New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl.” Ready……scene….. ACTION!

– Maya goes to the register to pay for her candy and the grouchy teenaged girl working, gives her the total bill with a scowl on her face. Maya watches as New York Miss Macy is standing next to her and takes a couple of pieces of candy out of her bag, before paying, and starts to eat them. Maya watches as the Candy Store girls eyes glance over to New York Miss Macy and a look of annoyance comes over her face. Maya thinks to herself, “Is the Candy Store girl really getting mad because Macy is eating a few pieces of her bulk candy before she pays??” She decides it is only her imagination as isn’t it a given that you munch on a few pieces of candy before you pay when you go into a  bulk candy store?? Not 3 seconds later, the Candy Store girl looks at Macy and goes, “I’m going to actually need you to PAY for that candy, BEFORE you eat it.” Macy, whom is clueless as to what she was even doing because it is just second nature, looks up and goes, “Um…. what?? Yeah, o.k.” Maya is trying to hide her laugher. Macy pays and we scurried out of the store. As soon as we exited, we burst into laughter. Macy goes, “Wait, did I really just get reprimanded for eating a few pieces of my candy by a 15-year-old girl? What is she, the candy police???” This is so something that would only happen to Macy. It made for a lot of laughs tonight.

After our candy store incident, we continued on our walk back to our condo. As we were all 4 walking back, we were looking out at the ocean. Dolphins appeared. We stopped to watch and ended up climbing down some rocks to sit on the beach for a while. We watched the dolphins and played in the sand and water. We ended up having a sand and water fight because sometimes in life, it just makes sense to do silly things like that. It made perfect sense tonight. You would have loved every second of it. At one point, Liam and Quinn were in the distance, playing, just the two of them. It was surreal to watch and I felt as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I will never get used to it just being the two of them, without you injected in the middle. Nothing is right anymore and nothing makes sense. As we were walking back, I got a text from Danielle. It was if she had read my mind from a few minutes earlier as her wording was almost eerie. Something along the lines of how she wants you back so badly for me that it hurts. How you are the light, the finishing touch, the pistol that keeps me alive. She then ended it with, “Fuck. I hate life.” Danielle is one of those people in my life who just gets it. She gets everything. She has a lifeline to my soul and to yours. Her words brought me comfort, for as sad as they may be; they are always true and real. She takes the time to really sit and think about all of this that we are going through and when we do talk about it, I feel as if she is living inside my mind because she says everything that I am thinking. We have a very strong spiritual connection. Thanks, D. Miss you much.

Now that Macy is here, I was able to get in my run tonight. I was totally unmotivated and dreading it. I almost didn’t go. The little voice in the back of my head would not have shut up if I didn’t. I knew this so I headed out the door and ran a fast 6 miles. It actually ended up being a really good run. I’ve missed the pain and release of running these past few days. I broke my record on my NIKE iPhone app for my fastest 10k. Guess I was feeling it after all. I returned feeling better and hopped in the shower before we started movie night. The boys and I decided that we would introduce Macy to one of our favorite movies, Ro. “Zombieland.” She had never seen it and it had her laughing within seconds of turning it on. The more I watch that movie, the more I love it. Seriously, Top 10 favorite movies of all time for me. She loved it too. I knew that during all that laugher, one thing was going to get to her. That one line that will forever cut like a knife. “Take away a man’s son, and you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” I watched her wipe the tears from her eyes. I’ve decided that I would like to live in Zombieland because this normal life without you is for the birds. If I have to live without you, I would rather do it by being a badass and killing Zombies than living in this painful life that now exists. At least I would have a lot of things to take my anger out on, besides myself and the nobody who answers to me. The nobody that is to blame, the invisible being that took you away. Somebody should have to answer to me and to explain why. I hate that nobody can give me a reason for this because there should be a reason. If you had to be taken away, I want to know why. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out why this happened to you, but I don’t know how I can ever come to peace with any of this unless I have somewhat of an answer. Gee, fuckwad. Thanks for the fucking journey that I now get to figure out in life. Thanks for taking my beautiful life and smashing it into a million pieces. I HATE YOU.

But I love you, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I am still here, despite my pleas to you. I’ll stay here for as long as you want me to be. I know I have to help change the way of this disease for you. Everything I do in my life will be for you. Everything I have done in my life since the birth of you and your brothers, has always been done by putting you all first. I was so happy to do this. It brought me such happiness. Now, I have to go on and continue to do what I have been doing for so long, which is being a mom; without you. I will continue to do this but I will never stop feeling like I have a limb missing. As well as a big chunk of my heart. This is permanent. These scars are not going anywhere. I don’t know how people say they fade either. If anything, I think they just get worse. They are for me anyway. To each his own.

I love you baby. I love you so, so much. I miss you every second of the day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

                             Family Forever

New York Miss Macy, Quinny, Mama Maya, and Li Li

The Saddest Hour

Ronan. The night is finally creeping in. Another day done without you here. The days still drag on and on without you, no matter how busy I keep myself. We all woke up this morning and I walked into town. Your brother, Liam, has swimmers ear so I had to pick up his prescription. When I returned back to the condo, your brothers were all ready to hit up the beach. We packed up our things and headed down to the beach. We took a big bag of your little Star Wars guys with us and decided that we would build them a fort for you. Liam was in charge of the “bad guys,” area and Quinn and I were in charge of the “good guys.” It was so hard for me to keep it together for your brothers while we did this today. You would have loved it so much. I took pictures for you so you could see how it turned out. We had fun doing this together in your honor today. Or as much fun as we could without you being here with us.

After the beach, we headed to the pool. It was really nice out today so we played in the pool and the hot tub for a couple of hours. Your brothers are missing you so much. They get so board with each other and without having you around to play with. My entertainment pales in comparison to the way you would have entertained them for hours. I did my best, but they were soon ready to come back up and they were tired from the sun. The rest of our day slowly went by and Mimi and Papa called to see if they could take your brothers to the movies. They both wanted to go and this was a good chance for me to have some quality time with your Daddy. Your brothers left with Mimi and Papa and your Daddy and I went out for our date. We sat at a little restaurant in Coronado for their Happy Hour. So much for that. Happy Hour should have been called  the Saddest Hour because that’s what it turned into. I sat with your Daddy, and pretty much cried the entire dinner. We talked about you the whole time, went over again and again, what we could have done differently. I told your Daddy how much I worry about you and I can’t stop thinking about where you are. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, how I was your mommy and I couldn’t save you. I was supposed to protect you and I will always feel like I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe, baby. But there was nothing I could do and I’ll never understand how that wasn’t enough. How our love for each other wasn’t enough. Wasn’t anybody listening? Couldn’t they see how much we loved each other and deserved to be together for the rest of our lives? Who would be so cruel to take that away? The love we had for each other was so powerful I was sure it was going to save you. The love you had for me was the same….. something beyond this earth even, Ro. Where are you?!?!?!?! Why did you have to go?!?!?!?!? I will never stop questioning everything, Ro. I will beg for you to come back for the rest of my fucking life.

I didn’t eat much at dinner, but instead I sat and watched how sad your Daddy is too. At one point, the waitress came up to us while my tears were pouring. She quickly walked away. I wondered what she thought I was crying about. I am pretty sure she thought something like a failed marriage, an affair, one of us losing a job. I’ll bet you in a million years she would have never guessed my tears were for you. My tears were because our beautiful boy just died of cancer. Our reality is just too awful to be reality. I still can’t believe all of this and I swear I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

After dinner, we came back to our place but it was so nice out we decided to go on a walk. We walked to The Hotel Del and then down to the beach. We climbed up on some rocks together and looked at all the crabs crawling about. Your Daddy was looking out to the ocean and all of a sudden, a fin appeared. The next thing we knew we were watching a bunch of dolphins jump about. One of your little signs, baby?? I’ll take it, but it still doesn’t make me miss you any less. I grabbed your Daddy from behind and wrapped my arms around him as we stood for a long time together and watched them play about. It was peaceful and I wished so badly that we could just be that normal, happy, couple that we used to be. Back when you were here and we had nothing to be sad about. Now, we will be branded for life as the couple who lost a child. Sadness will always be a part of our togetherness. All innocence we once had will never be again and therefore, we as a couple will never be the same. Will we come out of this stronger? I don’t think we have a choice. We have to as we have too much to lose if we do not. But the sadness that now exists in our world hurts so much, Ro. Nights like tonight though are important to the both of us. Grieving about you, together is something I haven’t been ready to do yet but I can slowly feel myself coming around. I can’t do this all alone and I feel like I can heal better by letting my guard down a bit. As much as I want this wall up, keeping everyone out…. that isn’t going to do anyone any good and I really need to stop just thinking of myself as there are other people hurting just as badly as I am. Your Daddy being one of them. The bottom line is, he needs me and I need him. I need to be better about remembering that as it is very easy to get wrapped up in my own little world where nobody else exists except me and my pain for you. Sometimes I prefer it that way, but this is not healthy. I will try harder for you, baby. For our family.

After our date, we came back to our condo and I slipped out for my run. UGH. I was so not feeling it tonight but I pushed through my 6 miles at a sluggish pace of a 9 minute mile. What the heck is that?? I’ve been pretty consistent with my 8:23 minute mile. Tonight was brutal. At one point, I wanted to stop and walk but I heard you in my head so I refused to stop. Thanks for that extra push tonight when I needed it most. The rest of the evening was spent playing with your brothers and Daddy. We played PS3 together… something I don’t do very often but it ended up being pretty fun. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops. I was on a team with Quinn and we beat your Dad and Liam. There was a lot of laughing and I think your brothers were surprised at my mad shooting skills. Never underestimate the power of your mama… video games and all.

This is all for tonight my love. Until we meet again, hopefully in my dreams tonight. I love you, Ronan. Forever and Ever. Just you and me, baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

I miss you. But I smiled though my tears for you.

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. Missed you today. I woke up your brothers early. Well, early for us since we have been lazy beach bums sleeping in on most days. 8 a.m. was early for us today. I was tempted to let them sleep in as they looked so cozy and sleepy. They had to be at surf camp at 9 a.m. though, so waking them up was necessary. They so did not want to go. The both of them have been complaining that I signed them up for surf camp since I told them about it a month ago. Too bad, so sad, is what I basically told them. They kept insisting that they were not going to like it. I told them they wouldn’t know until they tried. It’s all week from 9-12. I got their cozy little buns out of bed, dressed and fed, and we headed down to the very cold beach this morning. They put on their little wetsuits and before I knew it they were off and running into the water. Most parents just dropped their kids off. I stayed and watched, took pictures, helped them and even got my sweats soaking wet as I was helping a little girl named Brooke, get out into the ocean. She was sooooo cute that I couldn’t resist. It was the best 3 hours I’ve had in a very long time. I was surprised how much I enjoyed just sitting and watching them and I was so impressed at how easily they picked up on it. Especially Liam. He really took to it and was really far out in the ocean with the instructor. He surfed up until the 3 hours were up. I am so proud of both of your brothers. They ended up loving it and can’t wait to go back tomorrow. I saw you while I was watching them. Those two little dolphins I saw the other day were out really close to Liam. I told Quinn it was you watching over Liam, to make sure he was safe in the ocean. He smiled and agreed with me. Thanks for that today, baby.

After the surf lesson was over, the boys were freezing so I took them over to the hot tub to warm up. Your daddy came down and brought down lunch to BBQ. We spent the next couple hours at the pool and the hot tub. After that, we headed back up to the condo. The boys were wiped out, but Quinn really wanted to rent one of those Surrey bikes that are in front of the Del. He has begged for weeks. Liam had no interest in going, and Woody had to work, so I headed off with Quinn to rent our bike. We rode all over the Island and ended up the school here. Quinn got a big kick out of my crazy driving and jumping the curb with our bike at the school. He was cracking up and I explained to him the importance of doing “boy,” things like that. I told him if you had been there, you would have made us do it over and over. In your honor, we took our Surry bike and jumped the curb 4 more times. We laughed the every time. It made me miss you so much, but it felt good to laugh with Quinn. I could tell the day meant a lot to him and it meant a lot to me as well. When we finished with our bike, we walked over to the Hotel Del to get him some ice cream. After our big day out, Quinn came back here and 20 minutes later, he was passed out cold. He slept for a few hours and woke up starving so I took him to get dinner. Liam, once again did not want to go. He is such a little homebody.

I have not had a day like today in a very long time. One where I almost enjoyed myself. Spending time with your brothers, watching them do something new, is the closest I’ve come to almost feeling happy since you left us. Happy, but I missed you a lot too. I know those two things will go hand and hand for the rest of my life now. I’ll always picture  you with us, in everything we do. I know today, you would have been out on that beach with me, with your boogie board, watching your brothers and mad that you couldn’t be out surfing with them. You were always trying to keep up with them and I was always amazed at how well you did. Your fire and zest for life was something I have never seen in anyone in my life. You took everyday by storm and that is something that I miss doing with you. Together, we were unstoppable. I miss having you everywhere with me so much. If you can’t tell, I have a  new little shadow now and his name is Quinn. He is stuck to me like glue and I am really trying to embrace him as much as possible. I can feel myself reconnecting to your brothers again, but Quinn is working extra hard to be by my side 24/7. Liam is so independent, that he is happy anywhere and has been spending a lot of time with your daddy. They are such similar creatures. I love watching the two of them together.

That is all for tonight my little monkey. I’ve got to try to get some sleep as we have another early day of surf camp tomorrow. I miss you more than words could ever say. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. I still worry about you so much. I would give anything to be able to kiss those sweet little lips of your.  Sweet dreams, Ro.