The Saddest Hour

Ronan. The night is finally creeping in. Another day done without you here. The days still drag on and on without you, no matter how busy I keep myself. We all woke up this morning and I walked into town. Your brother, Liam, has swimmers ear so I had to pick up his prescription. When I returned back to the condo, your brothers were all ready to hit up the beach. We packed up our things and headed down to the beach. We took a big bag of your little Star Wars guys with us and decided that we would build them a fort for you. Liam was in charge of the “bad guys,” area and Quinn and I were in charge of the “good guys.” It was so hard for me to keep it together for your brothers while we did this today. You would have loved it so much. I took pictures for you so you could see how it turned out. We had fun doing this together in your honor today. Or as much fun as we could without you being here with us.

After the beach, we headed to the pool. It was really nice out today so we played in the pool and the hot tub for a couple of hours. Your brothers are missing you so much. They get so board with each other and without having you around to play with. My entertainment pales in comparison to the way you would have entertained them for hours. I did my best, but they were soon ready to come back up and they were tired from the sun. The rest of our day slowly went by and Mimi and Papa called to see if they could take your brothers to the movies. They both wanted to go and this was a good chance for me to have some quality time with your Daddy. Your brothers left with Mimi and Papa and your Daddy and I went out for our date. We sat at a little restaurant in Coronado for their Happy Hour. So much for that. Happy Hour should have been called  the Saddest Hour because that’s what it turned into. I sat with your Daddy, and pretty much cried the entire dinner. We talked about you the whole time, went over again and again, what we could have done differently. I told your Daddy how much I worry about you and I can’t stop thinking about where you are. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, how I was your mommy and I couldn’t save you. I was supposed to protect you and I will always feel like I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe, baby. But there was nothing I could do and I’ll never understand how that wasn’t enough. How our love for each other wasn’t enough. Wasn’t anybody listening? Couldn’t they see how much we loved each other and deserved to be together for the rest of our lives? Who would be so cruel to take that away? The love we had for each other was so powerful I was sure it was going to save you. The love you had for me was the same….. something beyond this earth even, Ro. Where are you?!?!?!?! Why did you have to go?!?!?!?!? I will never stop questioning everything, Ro. I will beg for you to come back for the rest of my fucking life.

I didn’t eat much at dinner, but instead I sat and watched how sad your Daddy is too. At one point, the waitress came up to us while my tears were pouring. She quickly walked away. I wondered what she thought I was crying about. I am pretty sure she thought something like a failed marriage, an affair, one of us losing a job. I’ll bet you in a million years she would have never guessed my tears were for you. My tears were because our beautiful boy just died of cancer. Our reality is just too awful to be reality. I still can’t believe all of this and I swear I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

After dinner, we came back to our place but it was so nice out we decided to go on a walk. We walked to The Hotel Del and then down to the beach. We climbed up on some rocks together and looked at all the crabs crawling about. Your Daddy was looking out to the ocean and all of a sudden, a fin appeared. The next thing we knew we were watching a bunch of dolphins jump about. One of your little signs, baby?? I’ll take it, but it still doesn’t make me miss you any less. I grabbed your Daddy from behind and wrapped my arms around him as we stood for a long time together and watched them play about. It was peaceful and I wished so badly that we could just be that normal, happy, couple that we used to be. Back when you were here and we had nothing to be sad about. Now, we will be branded for life as the couple who lost a child. Sadness will always be a part of our togetherness. All innocence we once had will never be again and therefore, we as a couple will never be the same. Will we come out of this stronger? I don’t think we have a choice. We have to as we have too much to lose if we do not. But the sadness that now exists in our world hurts so much, Ro. Nights like tonight though are important to the both of us. Grieving about you, together is something I haven’t been ready to do yet but I can slowly feel myself coming around. I can’t do this all alone and I feel like I can heal better by letting my guard down a bit. As much as I want this wall up, keeping everyone out…. that isn’t going to do anyone any good and I really need to stop just thinking of myself as there are other people hurting just as badly as I am. Your Daddy being one of them. The bottom line is, he needs me and I need him. I need to be better about remembering that as it is very easy to get wrapped up in my own little world where nobody else exists except me and my pain for you. Sometimes I prefer it that way, but this is not healthy. I will try harder for you, baby. For our family.

After our date, we came back to our condo and I slipped out for my run. UGH. I was so not feeling it tonight but I pushed through my 6 miles at a sluggish pace of a 9 minute mile. What the heck is that?? I’ve been pretty consistent with my 8:23 minute mile. Tonight was brutal. At one point, I wanted to stop and walk but I heard you in my head so I refused to stop. Thanks for that extra push tonight when I needed it most. The rest of the evening was spent playing with your brothers and Daddy. We played PS3 together… something I don’t do very often but it ended up being pretty fun. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops. I was on a team with Quinn and we beat your Dad and Liam. There was a lot of laughing and I think your brothers were surprised at my mad shooting skills. Never underestimate the power of your mama… video games and all.

This is all for tonight my love. Until we meet again, hopefully in my dreams tonight. I love you, Ronan. Forever and Ever. Just you and me, baby. I hope you are safe.


12 responses to “The Saddest Hour”

  1. Maya I’ve been reading ur blog for awhile now but never commented. I can’t even begin to tell you how much you’ve impacted my life. I’m a 26 year old single mother of two boys (2.5 & 7) and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been so stressed out at times, yelling at my boys & even crying myself to sleep at night, wondering how I was gonna deal w tomorrow. It makes me sick to my stomach that I could’ve felt that way. My son just turned 7 a week ago and as I’m watching him open his presents I’m thinking this is f*cked up. I couldnt help but think of u and ur precious ronan 😦 the day after my sons bday me & him (jaden) were outside and he taps me on the shoulder and says look mom a hummingbird! I honestly had never even seen one before. Beautiful 🙂 me and my babies drove up to reno a few days later and we were at a restaraunt in circus circus waiting for our food when “don’t stop believing” came on. I immedialtley thought of u. A few hours later we were waitin for the shuttle to take us back to our hotel room and I hear a mom call out to her son “ronan” as she was tryin to take pictures of him. I heard her say his name at least 5 more times before we got to our hotel 🙂 I had never heard that name before reading ur blog. I really believe ronan send signs to everyone he knows has read about him and prayed for him. Iam blessed to “know” ronan and his beautiful family. Thank u for sharing ur precuous baby boy w me, ur an amazing woman and mother. if I can be half the mother u are to ur boys I kno ill be ok ❤

    Thinking of you always,

  2. You are inspiring, Maya. I am continuing to pray for you guys all the time. You’re doing an amazing job of “keeping on”. So sorry for your pain. Thank God for Woody and your twins, friends and family, the beach, etc… Hoping those blessings in your life can help you in your healing. Wish I could take away some of your pain. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers…

  3. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4 KJV) I read this one today and thought of you 🙂 Prayers…

  4. Our love, thoughts, and prayers to you all. The sun is going to shine for you all today. I am glad you and Woody are spending time talking it all out, time is going to help…it is all such fresh open wounds. But you all are a great team and the best healing happen through a team. All our love.

  5. Maya –
    I can tell by your writing that you are coming around. It will always be baby steps but I’m glad to hear you say it/ write it. And I hope you know it doesn’t mean that you miss your Ro any less. I’m glad you and Woody are getting your connection back (even in baby step and through greiving for Ronan).
    I hope your day is filled with signs from your Ronan that make you smile.
    Keep posting!

  6. Maya, I didn’t comment on the your posting to the overly concerned reader as I felt she was a little out of line but at the same time she made some valid comments. We all worry about you and Woody and your boys…your dispair and pain is heart wrenching…yet I know that grief is different for every single one of us and NO ONE can tell you how to grieve. When my husband died many years ago, my sister-in-law came over to tell me that the family didn’t think I was handling this well and wanted me to check in to the mental hospital and they would watch my boys. I was mortified that if I did this I would never see my children again. I was in grief therapy at the time and literally fell apart when I heard this comment. How did they know what I was going thru? How could they know what pain this caused me and my sons? What right did they have to come to me and tell me that after two months I should be facing life again? I don’t talk to these people any more because they judged my grief. You stated that you write many times late at night, when you are at your lowest and are able to let you words flow freely. Your grief and the way you are facing it is the way YOU need to face it…not how I faced it, or how your friends face it or anyone else for that matter. We care for you, want to know that in very small steps you ARE healing…and you will. I understand the fearlessness you have because at the time I lost my husband I felt that nothing I could do make God take me away from my boys. I had no fear of anything. It’s funny how that emotion comes out. Your strength is amazing….you are so much stronger than you think and your life will never be the same and it will change. Keep that lovely smile going even though behind it there is much pain and hurt. You are radiant with the love you have for Quinn and Liam, and for Woody too. Ronan is always in your heart. Prayers continue for you to find peace, happiness and strength.

  7. Maya
    I read daily, I think of you often, but I am never sure what to say. For some reason I felt the need to send you a note this am and let you know that I am thinking of you on this gray June morning just up the coast from where you are. Seems to me, you are doing exactly what you and your family need, and that is all that matters for anyone

  8. Maya,

    Love that picture of you and Woody!

    Baby steps mama bear… I’m so glad that you and Woody are connecting and able to grieve together. You are both going through your worse but you both grieve differently too.

    Rockstar Ronan will always be a part of your life. He will be with you and go with you wherever you go. Liam, Quinn and Woody need you just as much as you need them. Stay strong together. Cry together. Laugh together. It’s that “togetherness” that will make all four of you “stronger”.

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Sending you hugs… peace and strength.
    Hope you had sweet dreams with that beautiful blue eyed Rockstar 🙂

  9. you are so right. you need woody and he needs you. no one except for woody knows EXACTLY what you’re going through right now. together you guys are the best supporters for each other. he is your safe haven. i’m sur you hear from so many people about how the hurt and saddness will slowly fade away and there’s some light at the end of this fucked up tunnel. i’m not sure if that’s true. i hope it is. if i were in your position i would probably be unable to accept that i will ever feel truly happy again. how can you be truly happy and feel at peace when your heart is missing? i don’t know maya. and again, i have no clue what this hell is like so i’m sure my words aren’t comforting at all! ro will never be forgotten or brushed aside or pushed to the back of your mind. no matter how long it takes for this hurt to subside a little and not feel so crippling (if that possible), ro will always be in your mind, probably every second of every day for the rest of your life. and that’s ok. that’s normal and i don’t see any other way around it. like i said in a previous comment, i hope this “brick of pain” becomes a little more bearable each day but i think a good thing to do is just know in your heart and accept that you will never be the same person you were before ro got cancer and was taken from you. how could you be? and that’s ok too. there’s no way you can come out of the hell you’ve endured and not be a changed person and a different version of who you were before. not a worse version or bad, just different. and i’m sure that goes for woody and the twins as well. woody will never be the same man he was now that he is with out one of his son’s and the twins will never get over not having their baby brother. i think it’s impossible to “get over” the loss of a loved one. maybe over a long long long long period of time it just becomes easier to accept? but then again who would accept the cards you’ve been dealt? they suck. they’re unfair and don’t make sense. this is why you are incredible maya! you have so much on your plate mentally. i can’t imagine. you’re such a strong person. i know i don’t know you personally but i feel like i get to know you a little more with each of your posts. i know after your summer in coronado you’re going to be ready to kick some serious childhood cancer ass and raise awareness like nobody’s business!
    p.s. have you hear of serena&lily? they make beautiful bedding and home decor. i was flipping through the new summer catalog and in the children’s section there was a bedding collection called the “ronan collection”!!!! that made me smile for you and ro and i had to tell you! xoxo

  10. Maya, I read your blog every day… not quite sure what to say other than you, Ronan, and your family have my attention and a piece of my heart.

  11. Nikki Sullivan Avatar
    Nikki Sullivan

    Maya, our family continues to pray for you, Ronan and the rest of your family. Because of you and Ro, I”m a better mom to my boys. Thank you for sharing your journey , you are one strong mama and I think of you daily. xo nikki from california

  12. Starlene DeBord Avatar
    Starlene DeBord


    As my heart breaks everytime I read your new entries! I am also enlightened by your strength and the love that surrounds you! In a way I look at this as you are the luckiest gal in the world in a sorta not so lucky way! If that makes any sense to you!?! Seems like even before this nightmare you had the perfect life and family and friends! Now out of all of this we have all learned not take a single second for granted! It stinks to have to learn such things when unfortuneate events such as this occur! The way you handle yourself is just truely amazing! I am positive that it takes alot of energy even to just open your eyes or to take one single breath…things that everyone else just takes for granted! This is just all unfair that this has happened to all of you! And there are people out there that just take so much for granted! Like the smoking not being cruel but if a smoker gets cancer they deserve it because they know the risks they are taking with every little really I have no sympathy for them! But for an innocent child to get this horrific disase is just sooo UNFAIR!!! The burning question WHY??? will forever eat at all of us!!! I hope you have a beautiful day with your boys and friends!

    Starlene DeBord

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