The Saddest Hour

Ronan. The night is finally creeping in. Another day done without you here. The days still drag on and on without you, no matter how busy I keep myself. We all woke up this morning and I walked into town. Your brother, Liam, has swimmers ear so I had to pick up his prescription. When I returned back to the condo, your brothers were all ready to hit up the beach. We packed up our things and headed down to the beach. We took a big bag of your little Star Wars guys with us and decided that we would build them a fort for you. Liam was in charge of the “bad guys,” area and Quinn and I were in charge of the “good guys.” It was so hard for me to keep it together for your brothers while we did this today. You would have loved it so much. I took pictures for you so you could see how it turned out. We had fun doing this together in your honor today. Or as much fun as we could without you being here with us.

After the beach, we headed to the pool. It was really nice out today so we played in the pool and the hot tub for a couple of hours. Your brothers are missing you so much. They get so board with each other and without having you around to play with. My entertainment pales in comparison to the way you would have entertained them for hours. I did my best, but they were soon ready to come back up and they were tired from the sun. The rest of our day slowly went by and Mimi and Papa called to see if they could take your brothers to the movies. They both wanted to go and this was a good chance for me to have some quality time with your Daddy. Your brothers left with Mimi and Papa and your Daddy and I went out for our date. We sat at a little restaurant in Coronado for their Happy Hour. So much for that. Happy Hour should have been called  the Saddest Hour because that’s what it turned into. I sat with your Daddy, and pretty much cried the entire dinner. We talked about you the whole time, went over again and again, what we could have done differently. I told your Daddy how much I worry about you and I can’t stop thinking about where you are. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, how I was your mommy and I couldn’t save you. I was supposed to protect you and I will always feel like I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe, baby. But there was nothing I could do and I’ll never understand how that wasn’t enough. How our love for each other wasn’t enough. Wasn’t anybody listening? Couldn’t they see how much we loved each other and deserved to be together for the rest of our lives? Who would be so cruel to take that away? The love we had for each other was so powerful I was sure it was going to save you. The love you had for me was the same….. something beyond this earth even, Ro. Where are you?!?!?!?! Why did you have to go?!?!?!?!? I will never stop questioning everything, Ro. I will beg for you to come back for the rest of my fucking life.

I didn’t eat much at dinner, but instead I sat and watched how sad your Daddy is too. At one point, the waitress came up to us while my tears were pouring. She quickly walked away. I wondered what she thought I was crying about. I am pretty sure she thought something like a failed marriage, an affair, one of us losing a job. I’ll bet you in a million years she would have never guessed my tears were for you. My tears were because our beautiful boy just died of cancer. Our reality is just too awful to be reality. I still can’t believe all of this and I swear I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

After dinner, we came back to our place but it was so nice out we decided to go on a walk. We walked to The Hotel Del and then down to the beach. We climbed up on some rocks together and looked at all the crabs crawling about. Your Daddy was looking out to the ocean and all of a sudden, a fin appeared. The next thing we knew we were watching a bunch of dolphins jump about. One of your little signs, baby?? I’ll take it, but it still doesn’t make me miss you any less. I grabbed your Daddy from behind and wrapped my arms around him as we stood for a long time together and watched them play about. It was peaceful and I wished so badly that we could just be that normal, happy, couple that we used to be. Back when you were here and we had nothing to be sad about. Now, we will be branded for life as the couple who lost a child. Sadness will always be a part of our togetherness. All innocence we once had will never be again and therefore, we as a couple will never be the same. Will we come out of this stronger? I don’t think we have a choice. We have to as we have too much to lose if we do not. But the sadness that now exists in our world hurts so much, Ro. Nights like tonight though are important to the both of us. Grieving about you, together is something I haven’t been ready to do yet but I can slowly feel myself coming around. I can’t do this all alone and I feel like I can heal better by letting my guard down a bit. As much as I want this wall up, keeping everyone out…. that isn’t going to do anyone any good and I really need to stop just thinking of myself as there are other people hurting just as badly as I am. Your Daddy being one of them. The bottom line is, he needs me and I need him. I need to be better about remembering that as it is very easy to get wrapped up in my own little world where nobody else exists except me and my pain for you. Sometimes I prefer it that way, but this is not healthy. I will try harder for you, baby. For our family.

After our date, we came back to our condo and I slipped out for my run. UGH. I was so not feeling it tonight but I pushed through my 6 miles at a sluggish pace of a 9 minute mile. What the heck is that?? I’ve been pretty consistent with my 8:23 minute mile. Tonight was brutal. At one point, I wanted to stop and walk but I heard you in my head so I refused to stop. Thanks for that extra push tonight when I needed it most. The rest of the evening was spent playing with your brothers and Daddy. We played PS3 together… something I don’t do very often but it ended up being pretty fun. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops. I was on a team with Quinn and we beat your Dad and Liam. There was a lot of laughing and I think your brothers were surprised at my mad shooting skills. Never underestimate the power of your mama… video games and all.

This is all for tonight my love. Until we meet again, hopefully in my dreams tonight. I love you, Ronan. Forever and Ever. Just you and me, baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Happy freaking birthday, Daddy Woo

Ronan. Tomorrow is your daddy’s birthday. Fuck. May is so busy, full of so many things to celebrate, except for not really anymore. I mean, really, did you have to leave us in May? Before your birthday, your daddy’s, and Liam and Quinn’s is coming up too. I’m going to try to be extra happy for your daddy tomorrow, but all this may consist of is getting my ass out of bed to make sure I tell him how much I love him. And how freaking sorry I am that we have nothing to celebrate. Because we don’t, and it would be weird to pretend like we do. We will make it the best day that we can though. Liam and Quinn have their last day of school tomorrow. I am so relieved about that. I am ready for a summer break and some quiet time to escape here for a bit. I need some time with your brothers with some fresh air and nothing but the love that we are holding on to. Our love just has to get us through this. We all need to reconnect so school could not have ended at a more perfect time. We are all ready for a little down time. Time to slowly repair all the little things we can by being together and finding a new normal I guess. As much as I hate saying that, a new normal is what we have to try to get used to. I don’t want a fucking new normal though. I want our fucking old normal back. Back when I was such a busy little housewife that I thought it was a chore to take my wild 3 year old to the grocery store with me. But we would go and have the best time. We would then come home, take our sweet naps, wake up, clean up the house, start dinner, clean up with that, baths, showers, homework….. Everything was so important and so exhausting. Ummmmm… no. It wasn’t. It was the most beautiful life with 3 healthy boys. Who cares that you took a pen and stabbed holes in our ottoman. Who cares that you took toothpaste and squirted it all over the bathroom floor and covered the mirrors with it. Who cares that you took a Sharpie and drew all over the walls. I was that mom; the mom that cared. Although I did find most of your little shenanigans funny….. you got into trouble for all three of those things. So stupid. So nothing. So something a 3-year-old should be doing and not getting yelled at for. Although, I’m not a big yeller. You know I’m more of the fun mom who just kind of embraced every creative thing you used to do. It was all part of  your growing up, learning right from wrong, and encouraging you in any way possible. I’m so sorry for the last 8 months of your life and the real growing up you had to do. You learned such hard lessons and none of it was fair or right. You had to grow up way too fast and I will never get over that.

Ronan. I’m still here. Where are you? I’ve looked for you everywhere and cannot find you. I’ve looked for you in the reflection of my window. I’ve looked for you at the restaurant that we ate at today for your daddy’s birthday. I’ve looked for you on the side of the road. You are nowhere to be found. I want to be nowhere too. I want to be nowhere with you. But I can’t. Despite my wishing for the world to stop; it hasn’t and therefore, neither can I. So, I’ve been doing all the things I’m “supposed,” to be doing. I’ve been getting out of bed. I’ve been running errands. I’ve been taking care of your brothers. But I’ve been hiding too. Hiding from the people I love the most. Sometimes, I crawl back into bed in the middle of the day and hide there for a couple of hours. I never sleep. I pretty much lay there and just cry. And than I think about you and how mad you would be if you knew what it was, that I was doing. That forces me to get up and moving again. I never liked to make you mad. You had such a temper. I miss that. The days are still really blurry and I still have no concept of time. I do know that the pain from you being gone is now getting worse. The numbness is wearing off and the pain is almost intolerable. My stomach sinks a lot to the floor. I’m still dealing with the whole breathing thing too. I catch myself a hundred times a day not taking enough breaths. I have to tell myself that I have to breathe. I feel like I should be wearing an oxygen mask around 24/7. I wonder if this would help. I doubt it. I don’t think anything would help at this point.

Today is your daddy’s birthday. I’m so sad that you are not here for it. All day I have thought about how we would have celebrated him together, as a family. The way he deserves to be celebrated everyday. You know what I did for him on his special day? I let him drive me to my therapist appointment. He always asks if he can drive me and I always so rudely tell him no; that I don’t need to be driven. Today, on his freaking birthday; I asked him if he wanted to drive with me. Just so we could be together. It is your daddy’s day, yet he ended up doing something special for me. Par for the course. I promise to make this up to him someday. But honestly, this was the best I could do today. This is as good as it gets this year. I’m sorry, Woo. I do love you. My birthday wish for your Daddy tonight, Ro, is for you to visit him in his dreams. Please. He needs you.
I’ve had a hard time feeling you around me these past few days. I think it is because I am physically so consumed by my pain that my body is not letting me feel anything else. I saw Mr. Sparkly Eyes yesterday. He told me how you came to visit him in his dream. He told me how he saw your big blue eyes and how you told him you were o.k. I am so thankful for that. I love that you are finding a way to get to me, even when I am having the hardest time finding you. I love how you will do whatever it takes to let me know you are o.k. because I really, really, need to know that. I have no sense of peace, Ro and why should I? I don’t understand how any mother who has lost a child can ever really have peace. I think people say a lot of shit to make themselves feel better about losing a child. And I know I am new to this club, but I can already tell you everything I am hearing is bullshit and things like, you will come to peace with this, are only said by people to get through the day. Once you lose a child, it’s as if you have to retrain your mind and the way it works just to go on.  I’m still in the, fuck everything phase and nothing is ever going to get any easier. I suppose the pain may lesson after time goes on, but only because your brain is filled with new memories and somehow the memories of your child seem fade. It must be because you learn to reset your brain and you learn a new way of living so that it doesn’t feel like dying. But what do I know? I don’t think any one person deals with this the exact same way. This is just my observation and as I have learned…. I know nothing except for what I am feeling. And sometimes I do not even know that. This whole thing is a fucking learning experience that I never wanted to be a part of. One of my favorite quotes in the world has always been from the movie, “Shawshank Redemption.” I was reminded of this the other day when I was laying in bed, hiding, and your daddy came in and said, “Get busy living, or get busying dying.” I just gave him my normal, piss off look. But I know he is right; like always. I told you that daddy of yours was a smart man.
Everything we do now is so. freaking. boring. I said this out loud to your brothers tonight. I actually said to them, “How boring is life without Ronan?” They both agreed and Liam talked about how much he misses you. We then took turns saying if you were with us right now, what you would be doing. There was so much laugher when you were around. That is one thing I will never forget. You filled up any empty space with your giggles and craziness. I never knew how dull life was until you showed us what we were missing. Oh, Ro. I really don’t know what we are going to do without you. Everything is so empty.
I’m having a hard time. I know you know this. I’m haunted by a lot of things. I told my therapist, Sarah, today how right now, I cannot stop thinking about your eyes how they looked the last couple of days before you died. They turned from a crystal blue, to a deep blue like the ocean. I keep wondering if it was because your little soul was getting ready to leave this earth. I think about  this all of the time and I cannot get the image of you and the way the color of your eyes changed out of my head. Someday, I hope to replace this sad memory of you, with all of the happy ones I experienced. Someday, my sweet boy. I will pray for this.
I love you to the moon and back. Just me and you, forever and ever. G’nite my baby doll. I’ll love you forever.
xoxo