8 Months so a Skydiving we will go, Ro.


Ro baby. I didn’t die today. I really thought I was going to. I woke up this morning, knowing what the day had in store. I didn’t dare tell your brothers what I had planned. Your daddy chose to ignore my danger day and left the house the way he always does; by kissing me goodbye and telling me to have a good day. We had talked on Thursday night about the skydiving I had planned for Monday. Well, we didn’t actually talk about it…. I more just told him I was doing it. He said to me, “Don’t you think we should sit down and have a discussion about this?” I said, “We’re having a discussion now. I’m going skydiving on Monday.” He said he didn’t want me to go. That I could die. I told him that I could die crossing the street. He didn’t think that was a very good argument. He made his feelings known that he didn’t like the idea and we left it at that. We didn’t talk about it again until after I made it safely to the ground today. Your daddy knows how I am, once I get an idea in my head. There is no stopping me. Especially not now. Your daddy knew I was a handful before losing you, Ro. Now the word handful has taken on a whole new meaning. Yowzer. At least I keep things spicy, right baby doll;) Extra spicy just for you.

I woke up  this morning like it was just another normal day, without you. I got your brothers ready and Mandy Bee came over to help me as she was my danger crusade sidekick for the day. She packed your brothers lunches while I ran around the house, trying to get ready. I knew I wanted to take you with me, but there was no way I was going to bring your heavy locket, skydiving. I went and got a small ziplock bag and opened up your Urn. I put my hands inside and went to grab some of your ashes. I grabbed something hard instead. It looked like one of your little bones. I dropped it back into your Urn. I looked down at it, didn’t want to touch it, but then thought to myself there is a reason I was supposed to touch that today. I scooped it up and put it in my little baggie and zipped it up in the pocket of my coat. I didn’t throw up, but paced back and forth, crying instead. I quickly pulled it together so I could get your brothers off to school. I didn’t want them to see me so upset as they would have worried. We hopped in Mandy’s car so we could drop off Liam and Quinn. I hugged and kissed them both and told them how much I loved them and to have a wonderful day.

As we drove off, I got really quiet which is always the first clue that I’m a mess in my head. My silence screams my pain. Mandy asked what was wrong, besides the obvious. I didn’t answer at first but stared out the window instead. After a minute or two, I pulled out your ashes told her the story and starting bawling that I couldn’t believe you, my baby, were in a plastic fucking baggie. She just held my hand, listened, cried, and we talked about how fucking fucked up all of this is. What else could she have said? Nothing and she knows that. That’s the thing I love most about that Mandy Bee. She never tries to make things better with bullshit words. She knows she can’t so she just lets me be. We drove to Eloy and it was mostly a quiet drive. We both started to freak out as we got closer, talking about how we couldn’t believe we were going to jump out of a plane. I told her I fully expected to die. She told me I was not dying on her watch so to shut the fuck up. I just laughed and told her that I thought I was going to and I was o.k. with that. As soon as we started to get closer, we looked up and saw about 10 parachutes falling from the sky. The excitement started to kick in. We checked in, watched a short video and signed a ton of paperwork in regards to our life. Or our death. We sat and signed our lives away without thinking twice. We went and got suited up, met our partners in crime and listened as they gave us very little, but informative instructions in regards to tandem jumping with them. I guess knowing less is better so that way you don’t over think it. I chose to not over think anything at all today. I only thought about you the entire time.

The guy I jumped with was named Jason. I liked him instantly. He was young, tattooed, a great smile, and the icing on the cake was his beautiful blue eyes. I instantly felt like you were there, holding my hand, once I met Jason. As you yourself, had hand picked him out for me today to jump with because you knew he would keep me safe. I know this was one of the reasons why I didn’t ever feel scared or panicked. I felt a peacefulness and a calmness that I have not felt in so long. We waited our turn and climbed on board of the plane which held about 20 people. Up and up we went. It was SO HIGH, Ronan. I had one moment as I was looking out the window of the plane that I thought, “What the FUCK am I doing?” But then I remembered that today, was your 8 months. Today, I remembered that it has been 8 months since I last kissed your lips. Today, I remembered that because I have faced my worst fear in life, that I have have nothing to fear anymore. 13,000 feet up in the air we went and I could have not felt more content or calm. My head has not been this quiet since before losing you. There were no screaming voices today in my head. Only pure silence. Jason was preparing me to jump. He was strapping me to his body and as he was putting me in-between his legs, he said something that was so inappropriately wrong, that it made my entire day and night because it was that raunchy, perverted and hilarious. It made me forget the fact that I was about to plummet to my death. I told you I knew you had picked just the right guy for me today, Ro. You know my sense of humor so well. I looked at Mandy as I was getting ready to jump out of the plane, first. She screamed,  “I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” I looked back at her, flashed her a smile and said, “I LOVE YOU MOOOOORRRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jason stood me up at the open door of the plane and told me to look up. ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!! We jumped. We fell. We flew. We became one.  I screamed, laughed, flipped off the camera man who was taking a video of the entire thing. I screamed “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!” I yelled, “I LOVE YOU, RONAN!” We fell, in the sky without our parachute being open for at least a minute. It was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had, besides being your mama. I wasn’t ever scared. I wanted to free fall, forever. It  didn’t feel like I was falling from the sky. I felt like I was floating. I felt closer to you today, then I have since you’ve been gone. Jason pulled the parachute after a minute or so. After that, we were able to talk while we floated all around in the sky. He pointed out the mountains in the horizon. I asked him how I did and he said amazing. I told him all about you and how I was doing this, for you, because of you. Because you’ll never have the chance so now I have to do things like this, for you. If you were still here I would have NEVER done this. But now I wonder why not? It was the most freeing feeling that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m only sorry it took you dying, for me to do something like this. The landing was easy, and Mandy Bee was waiting for me. She came running over, jumped in my lap and kissed me smack on the lips. It was one of the top 5 BEST days, of my life.

Today, I didn’t feel like I was buried alive. I didn’t have a hard time breathing. I felt happy. I felt fearless. I felt free. I said to myself, If I can jump out of a plane for Ronan, I can do ANYTHING. I meant that today. All I wanted to do today was to get back into that plane, and jump again. I jumped up and down with Mandy on the ground, instead. My Mandy Bee who is afraid of heights, Ronan. Afraid of heights, but didn’t think twice about going with me when I put this out there about a month ago. My Mandy Bee that you never got to know, but it is because of you that I have found my fearless soul mate in life. The friend who holds on to me the tightest when all I want is for her and everyone around me to let go. The friend that is not scared of my dark side that often exists. The friend who doesn’t judge. The friend that trusts me, embraces my crazy ideas, and thinks I am capable of anything and everything. Thank you for her. Thank you so very much. You have no idea, how many times she has saved me. I don’t know how I would be doing any of this without her. I am so glad I don’t have to.

After our jump of death. Or jump of life…. whichever you prefer… we went and grabbed lunch at your favorite place, Chelsea’s Kitchen. Mandy Bee also went grocery shopping with me, which you know I don’t do well with. I would rather jump out of a plane any day then tackle the grocery store. It helped having her there so much. I’m learning that I do indeed need help with things and for now, grocery shopping is one of them. I’m learning that it is still o.k. to ask for help, especially now that you are gone. It’s too hard to go there alone and without you. So Mandy shopped with me. We rode on the carts like I would have done with you. Remember how you would sit in the cart and I would push you so fast and crazy? You would giggle with fits of laughter. I pushed my cart fast and crazy for you today, only I was the one riding on it. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you got cancer and I couldn’t make you better. I’m sorry I have to live without you. But thank you for letting me live today and making me feel like it might be o.k. That it won’t hurt so badly, everyday without you. I know I can’t jump out of a plane everyday to have good days like this. I hope you can give me some ideas on how else to ease the pain. I’ll be here waiting to hear from you.

I went for a 6 mile late run tonight too. The moon was so full and beautiful. I yelled up at it that I loved you. I know you heard me. I know you hear me all the time. I love you baby doll. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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24 thoughts on “8 Months so a Skydiving we will go, Ro.

  1. moon

    I’ve been waiting all day to hear about it (: You have been on my mind since early this am. I hope it continues to get easier and you soon find the peace you are SO deserving of. ❤

  2. Lisa Ferris

    Maya, what a day! You flew, you had wings & your Ronan was there to catch you! I cried reading this, but I do so believe Ronan was giggling watching you all the way down, you go girl!
    Lisa xx

  3. Laura

    Glad today was so exhilarating! There is not a more freeing experience out there. You have made it through another milestone day. Always keeping your whole family in our thoughts and prayers…all our love always.

  4. kristin from Ahwatukee

    Beautiful post Maya. No doubt in my mind that your Not Spicy Monkey Boy was right next to you feeling the love. xo kh

  5. Lea

    Thank goodness you’re alive! I knew you had something dangerous planned because your words the night before screamed danger, DANGER, danger! Jason, haha, that’s funny, I could only imagine what he said, total man, he had a hot chick strapped on! Lol

    1. Lea

      Cont. Im glad you felt a small slice of freedom! And we are all thankful for Mandy Bee, she brings out the best of Maya. Good job today girl, you rocked it!

  6. Jaime H.

    Awesome 🙂 I am happy for you that it was one of the best days of your life! That’s good to hear! Thanks for sharing, love all the photos, too! Much love to you today…

  7. Cloakey Notes

    Ronan’s not the only ROCKSTAR in your family. You are one too! You go, girl! I am so glad you were able to do this and that you had your Mandy Bee with you. I am thankful for her because you weren’t doing this alone. But you are never ever alone, truly, anymore. You may think you are, but Ronan is with you. Always.

  8. Heather

    I just thought of some things- scale a side of a mountain- be a rock climber or ice climber here in Alaska- bungee jump, parasail, a helicopter ride or fly a small plane cause they freak me out!

  9. Nickee

    Yay! Great job Maya 🙂 Glad you had your Mandy Bee there with you! You two sure know how to stir things up and have fun 🙂 Another thing to check off of Ro’s bucket list. Can’t wait to see what your spicy mind comes up with next!

  10. Colleen Fisher

    A-FUCKING-MAZING. This post literally – I swear, LITERALLY – took my breath away. I was laughing and crying at the same time, feeling wild and free, right there with you and Ro and Mandy Bee. Holy moley. How cool are you?! (Though I still want to know what the guy you were strapped to said to make you crack up!)

  11. Cheryl

    You and Ro had the flight of your life, together, on a beautiful day. I am so glad that you did this because being A ROCKSTAR is what it is all about, and it is something you can cherish for the rest of your life. You Go Girl!!!!!

  12. Glenda

    Wow Mama Maya, YOU ROCKED IT! Rockstar Mama!
    I love, love your pendant!!!
    I love that you took Ronan with you…as he’s always with you!
    I Parasailed in Hawaii… breathtaking… YOU should do it!!!

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always RO! xo

  13. Melissa

    I was at a park yesterday and there was this perfectly beautiful little brown haired blue eye boy playing away–he looked about 4 to me. For some reason, I was drawn to him and normally I don’t stalk other people’s babies! 🙂 As we were leaving, I hear him tell a lady that his name is Ronan. Left me in awe and with tears in my eyes and a big smile–8 months and I had been thinking all day of you and your family AND of course, Ronan…always Ronan. Hope he is playing safely, happily…somewhere just like this little Ronan was today. So happy that you found some good dangerous fun today! Love to you!

  14. Stefanie

    There is so much I could say about this post…but I still so want to know what the guy said to you!!! (I’m so immature, sorry)

    I am so glad you told about the feisty/spicy mix up in the last post as well. How adorable that was made my day. I grin just thinking about him protesting to you.

    🙂 Hugs

  15. TF

    Maya…i don’t believe that your beautiful son died so you could change the world because who wants to live in a world where children have to die for someone to have purpose. I am amazed that you are changing the world DESPITE the fact that your son died. Your strength amazes me and you inspire me to be a better person. As an oncology nurse, I have met many families who say they will use their loved one’s experience to change things, but I haven’t met anyone who really followed through… I certainly don’t know you personally, but I actually believe you can! I know many people have given you ‘advice’ about taking antidepressants, but it’s my experience that pills can help fix a chemical imbalance or treat a true illness. You’re not sick – your son is dead and I admire how you’re working through your grief. I will continue to spread the word about your blog and Ronan’s foundation – because you will make a difference for other families! Thank you for sharing your life with us.

  16. charlotte

    OMG U Rock!! No doubt your baby is smiling right now! You are such an awesome role model for your boys!! I read this post and cried harder than I usually do. Something about you flying free, yelling out your love for Ro….so heartfelt and real!! Thanks for sharing the pics…I am so glad to hear that if only for a moment…you had peace. He was there!! And…like the others here…what did your guy tell you???!!! 😉 I have no doubt your little man sent him to you! Sounds like a perfect combo, you two! And I bet you made his day!! Lucky guy got to hang out with 2 hot mommas!!!! Keep fighting!!! You ARE changing the world!! For Ro…always Ro!!!! Love from Houston!

  17. Melissa

    These have Ro written all over them. Wouldn’t it be awesome if BeeBeeKins would donate profits to Ro’s foundation–and what an awesome way to bring smiles and warm sweet bald heads of other babies suffering. Ro would love seeing these little hats taking over oncology floors, asspoles and all.

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