Ronan’s Table for 6


Ro baby. I guess my last post was pretty happy and upbeat. I wish I could say I have spent the past few days, feeling the same way after writing the things I wrote. I didn’t end up falling asleep peacefully like I had hoped. I tossed until 3 a.m. and had to take the devil aka, Ambien in order to fall asleep. I woke up, feeling like shit…. but I went on with my day anyway. I don’t remember what I did, but I’m sure it was a lot of all the things I’m supposed to be doing, like being productive. All the things I’m supposed to be doing, like living life taking care of your brothers, the house, paying the bills, etc…. Being present. On Saturday, I went down to ASU to participate on a panel that Dr. JoRo had asked me to be a part of. It is for a class she is teaching at ASU on traumatic death. I sat on a panel, in front of her class with about 10 other bereaved parents and a grandmother too for about 5 hours…. but it felt like 10. Dr. Jo basically asked us to tell our stories and she then asked us all question after question regarding our tragedy. I watched as her students listened, wiped tears from their eyes, took notes, and tried to process the things that we were saying. I watched the ways they didn’t have to say anything at all, as I could hear their thoughts in their heads. I know each and every one of them begged whomever it is that they believe in, for this to never happen to them. I so wished I had been one of the students sitting in that class today, taking notes. Not the one the other side, talking about you and this fucked up story. I tried my best to get my words out in regards to you, my grief, and everything else that I am going through, but it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, mentally and emotionally. I was the first parent on the panel to be asked the questions, so I had to be quick on my feet with my responses. I had so many things racing through my mind and trying to articulate the words that I wanted to say, is so much easier for me to do in my writing rather then speaking. But I did my best and I did it from my heart. It was the best I could do. It’s one thing to write about you… I could do this in my sleep and I often do. To talk about you, on the spot, hurts so badly that it is almost impossible. One day, I hope to find my voice for you…. where it’s not one where I feel like I am gasping for air. I think I did an o.k. job yesterday…. I caught myself pinching myself on and off through out the day to make sure the day was real. Unfortunately, I felt all the pinches I gave myself. I cried a lot. How weird to be so vulnerable in front of so many strangers. A gig I never wanted. I gig that I’ll have to have for the rest of my life. I think I said the fuck word a few times and I remember making Dr. Jo’s students laugh by flipping them all off when she asked the question what we, as bereaved parents, would we like to say to all the people who say stupid things to us. Things like, “Well, my cat died so I know how you feel.” “You can have other kids.” “Heaven needed another angel.” “You were given this because you are strong enough to handle it.” The list goes on and on. My response to Dr. Jo and her class was, “I like to keep it short and sweet.” I then stuck my arm out and flipped everyone off. I remember hearing everyone laugh. You would have been proud of that, Ro baby. Fuck those people of the world and the stupid shit they say. They will never get it…. they are too fucking ignorant, self-absorbed, and brain washed by society.

After the “death panel,” as I called it to Dr. Jo, I left ASU with her and we went to grab some dinner with 3 other parents and the grandmother of the group who had lost not only her grandson to death, but her son as well to the grief. Her son is still here, but you know what I mean. The grief took him away for some time. It sounds like she is slowly getting him back but, ouch. That hurt hearing her say that yesterday, on that panel. I know that is how your Nana feels. That she not only lost you, but me as well. I know that is how many people feel as I may as well be dead too, because that’s the way I have been acting. The only thing is, it’s not an act. It’s the way I feel and I can’t change that. Someday maybe. But not now. While we were waiting for our table in the bar, where I sucked down my Coke…. the waitress came in to ask for a name for our table of 6. I looked at Jo. She looked at the waitress and goes, “Ronan.” I smiled. A few minutes later, the waitress came back saying, “Table for Ronan!” I had to wonder what the lady would have done or thought if she knew she was calling out the name of a dead child. This is the strange world I live in now. Where you have to make the dead live among the living, in any way possible. Even if it means to hear their name being called out at a restaurant because your table is ready. We all sat and talked about the day, our kids, or lives before this and now. Dr. Jo pointed up at the ceiling and how all the light fixtures were in the shape of little stars. It was your way of being there, after such a brutally hard day. It was your way of giving me the little giggle that I so miss. I then told the table how I used to call you feisty. How I used to say, “Ronan, you are so feisty!” How you would then scream back at me, “I NOT SPICY!” I told them it was one of my favorite things that you used to say to me. I miss that so much. I also told everyone at the table how I feel like it should be mandatory for bereaved parents’ to carry around tasers. And when people say stupid shit to us, we should just be able to taser their asses, instead of trying to answer their dumbass questions. Oh, how everyone laughed at this idea. I think a law needs to be passed for this to happen. I have so many people I would like to taser just to make them feel a tiny piece of the pain I feel 24 hours a day. I actually wish I didn’t have to taser anyone, Ronan. I wish people would just start thinking before speaking. I wish people would just be a little more thoughtful, kind, thankful and compassionate. I actually wish you were just here and I didn’t have to wish any of this shit. I would like to tell you that I left dinner and came home to our “happy,” house and fell into a peaceful sleep. I did not. I hate what I’m going to have to tell you next.

I left dinner, got into my car, and started to drive home. I wish I could tell you what happened for the next 40 minutes, but I can assure you I left my body for that time. I can swear to you that I should not have driven. I can swear to you, that I felt scared which is something that I never feel anymore. I somehow ended up out at Wildpass Resort, which is nowhere near our house. It’s on the east side of the valley. I was crying so hard that I had to pull over at a gas station where I sat, cried, felt my heart racing so fast that I thought it was going to explode. I almost called an ambulance. I had to make myself breathe for I knew if I didn’t, I was just going to suffocate to death. I ended up calling Dr. JoRo….. which is something I never do…. and she’ll be the first to tell you that. I hate to bother her, even though she is so good at making sure I know I am never bothering her. I called her last night as I knew if I didn’t, I would have been in big trouble. I tried to get out my words to her as to where I was and what had happened. I told her there were fireworks going off in the sky and how the fuck can fireworks even exist anymore. I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. She made sure I had pulled over somewhere safe. I told her I thought I had, but how lost I was. I said to her, “If I can’t find my way home, how am I supposed to find my way through life?” What a perfect metaphor, Ronan. I don’t know the answer. But I eventually ended up finding my way back home. Dr. Jo texted me so she could know I was safe and asked if I needed to talk. I told her that I was o.k. That I had made it home…. 2 hours after I had left her. I told her a hot bath and the reeses peanut butter cup that she had given me earlier in the week, had saved my life. For tonight. I fell asleep. I dreamed of you and your little bald head. I got to hold you but I knew you were going to die. I am just thankful that I got to see you.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is your 8 months since you’ve been gone. I’m so sorry for that. I miss you so much. I know you know what I’m doing for you tomorrow, but I’m not saying too much about it now. If I’m meant to see you, to kiss your little lips, and feel your soft skin, I will. It’s not up to me, it’s up to you. I’m not scared. I love you so much. Sweet dreams, my not spicy little boy. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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20 thoughts on “Ronan’s Table for 6

  1. Jennifer

    I’ll be thinking of you and Ro tomorrow. My plan to celebrate life is to run 10 miles with the inspiration you and Ro give me everyday. I want so much for this damn evil cancer to die. I hate watching what it is doing to my dear friend and Nate. People will know, they will see, they will care, they will get angry, they will donate, they will fight….they have to because its what I do. Now that I know. I am so sorry for all the time I spent not knowing.

    1. Kelly

      Maya, I have been reading your blog for a long time but I have never commented. I just want to let you know I am thinking of you and litte Ronan today…not just today but everyday…I’m so sorry that this is such a fucked up crappy world. No mommy should EVER have to say goodbye to her child! Fuck you cancer!

  2. Michelle H.

    So good to hear from you Maya. I know I’m not supposed to necessarily understand what you meant about tomorrow but just hoping you’re okay (relatively speaking, I know). That was really brave of you to sit in front of those students. I guarantee you that you made an impact in ways you’ll never know! That was very selfless as I’m sure going to go do that had to sound about as appealing as pulling your nails off one by one. Praying for a good night’s sleep tonite and strength & peace for tomorrow. Can’t believe it’ll have been 8 months :(. Much love my dear…xo

  3. heather 712

    Maya, I am a loyal blog reader, I think about u and beautiful ronan all the time and am constantly hoping and praying this will get better for u and your family. Maya u and ronan have changed the way I look at life, before I started reading your blog I was very consumed with the pain of losing my mom who died in a car accident in 2010. I know it doesn’t compare to ur loss in anyway but all the same u have helped me, just like u have helped countless others with sharing your ronan and your story and your endless love for ur son. That being said maya even though I don’t know u I am so worried for u after ur last post. I don’t know what your planning on doing to honor ronan on his 8 months, but please if u can through the pain please remember you are loved, by your twins, your adoring husband, your countless friends and most importantly by beautiful ronan.there is no expiration date on love. I hope you will be oaky tom maya, and if your not please reach out and remember u are so loved!!

  4. Ali Barnes

    Oh Maya…I just don’t have any words tonight. I just want to reach through my computer screen and give you a big hug. I just wish I could bring him back for you…that’s all I want in the world – to bring Ro back. Since I can’t do that, I hope I can do a small part in helping to keep him alive so the world never forgets him and all the other kids out there who fought the good fight and didn’t quite make it. I know you you blame yourself sometimes because you’re his mother…but really, it’s the fucking pharmaceutical companies and the corrupt, greedy doctors who are really to blame. If they can clone a dog, like you said, surely, SURELY they can cure cancer and all the other horrendous diseases out there. It makes me so angry…but it also makes me want to fight for what these kids deserve, and that’s to be free of illness…wild and free.
    And totally agree about the fireworks. As you know I was appalled at the amount spent on New Year’s fireworks in Melbourne…makes me sick.

  5. Leona

    Maya ❤ I have a guess about tomorrow……but I'll just have to wait and see 😉 I'll tell you if I was right after, lol!! Enjoy what ever it is you are doing….

    Love and hugs~
    Leona

  6. Stefanie

    I can’t believe you did that panel. You must have been so stressed out from it, from life, you blacked out later. You are so tough Maya. Whether you want to be or not. Even your clip arts make me cry. You drove right by my house to get to Wild Horse Pass…I wish I would’ve seen you and just gotten you home safely somehow. Keep being tough. You are doing better than I ever would be, just by simply being here and nothing more. I hope that today is better than yesterday was for you. Hang in there. Hugs, Stefanie

  7. Daniella

    We are here for the good and the bad and everything in between! Of course it was wonderful to read your last post but I don’t expect every post from now on to be that like. I have said this before and I will say it again, I have zero expectations for this blog and your grief. I’m just along for the ride and trying my best to encourage you and love you through this.

    Lots of respect to you for participating in that panel! Wow, that must have been rough. You have helped to plant seeds of compassion and thought into all those student’s minds. I am sure there are many small moments in the future between those students and other people that will have been greatly improved by your participation.

    Also my rockstar ronan tshirt came in the mail and I wore it all day yesterday and thought of you.

    Sending you thoughts of calm and love.

  8. Jaime H.

    I’m so, so sorry for your pain Maya 😦 I can’t think of anything more painful in this life than losing a child. You’ve survived 8 months! Still think of you and pray for you every single day. XOXO

  9. Nickee

    Maya- Good for you for going to the death panel. And flipping everyone off 🙂 Short and sweet. That must have been excruciating to talk about him to so many people… speaking is MUCH more difficult than writing. I am so proud of you… you and Ro made an impact to them. As hard as it was. You changed their lives and spread more awareness.

    Sorry you got lost at Wild Horse Pass 😦 That area can be so confusing. Like Stefanie said, I wish I would have seen you so I could help you. I would have told you that the fireworks were a sign from Ro, him being there with you when you felt so lost. I always think of him when I see fireworks now. And purple, and purple stars, and balloons and anything wild and free.

    Hang in there friend, the good days will be mixed in with the bad. You are amazing. 8 months today 😦 I hope whatever your plan for today is goes well. Love and hugs to you, Ro and your wonderful family.

  10. Kathy

    No one on earth should ever have to endure such pain, we are not made to handle it. I live across town from you and keep thinking we look up and see the same stars….not sure what that means.

  11. Jen

    I hope as I am typing this you are making another checking off your list, I hope you are skydiving or doing whatever YOU need to do to get through this day, I have no words of wisdom,how can there be any when a child has been taken by something so evil. I wish you nothing but the best in anything you do! go get it girl…. Me and my kids are going to spend the day doing all things Ronan, purple balloons will be released, and then we are having one of your famous dance parties. Thinking of you Maya

  12. Christina Appleget Van Hise

    You are a beautiful soul, Maya. You and Ronan were in my thoughts all day today. I was pretty sure I knew what you were planning to do, and I was right! How was it??

    I sit here with all these letters on this keyboard and still can find no words to tell you what my heart feels, so I will just say that I love you and thank you for being exactly who you are and never pretending to be anything else ❤

  13. Rusty

    Hi Maya, I’d rather email this, but don’t know your email address (don’t blame you for not giving it out). You don’t know me, but I think you have chewed my butt by commenting on my blog, but that’s neither here nor there (I’m not even sure it was you but just assumed). I posted something about not being to fond of the “F word”.

    Honestly though, I can’t say what words I would use if I lost any of my boys. I have a 3 year old that in so many ways reminds me of the pictures of Ronan. I can’t even imagine the pain you and Woody have been through. I’m sure I would use words a lot worse than fuck.

    I often think about where my faith would go if something like this happened to one of my kids. I definitely don’t have an answer and I surely don’t claim to. I did though come across this video the other day, and you may have already seen it, but watch both parts 1 and 2 all the way through. I cant even imagine the thought of losing a child. But even with my “Fword” comment on my blog, know that I think of Ronan often. His picture is actually my screensaver. His life has allowed me to realize that everyday is a gift and to never take tomorrow for granted. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Heres the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmlTHfVaU9o

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