It’s time.


Ronan. I’ve written to you a couple of times these past couple of nights but I think the words have been writing have been really, really dark and angry. I haven’t finished them and I don’t feel like finishing them now because for the first night in a very long time, I am not in a dark and angry place. I feel hopeful and a bit peaceful. I have to start accepting some things Ronan, in order to move forward and to get out of the arms of grief that seems to be strangling me. I have to accept the fact that you are never coming back and as for much as that kills me, it is a fact. No matter how much I sit here and scream, cuss, cry and beg….. you are not coming back. Acceptance is the first step, yes? I have to start to accept this so I can take this anger, pain, and sadness to a positive place. Yes. I said it. Positive. I know it may seem like I love the dark, negative space that seems to consume me, Ro. But I do not. It’s not me. It’s never been a part of me or who I am. Do you know how much I struggle with this new found emotion? Anger? It’s foreign to me, Ronan. Anger, bitterness, jealously, resentment….. those words didn’t exist in my vocabulary before this. I am afraid they are going to destroy me as I don’t know what to do with them. They are so powerful, they are trying to take over my entire life. They fill my head with so much noise during the day that much of my days are spent just trying to quiet them down. The fighting in my head is constant. I’m trying to get a handle on it. To use this anger in a positive way. I know it may not seem like it by the words I write, but I want my life to be full of positive things and not so dark. I really, really do. To have some light come out of this darkness. To take all of this anger and turn it into something that is so powerful, that it can change the world and the way people live their lives. To help change the outcome of childhood cancer. But we both know this is about so much more then just cancer, Ronan. Because you were so much more, then cancer. I’ve got to start thinking about how to channel this anger in a new direction. I have ordered a punching bag and some boxing gloves. I guess this is a start. My best ideas seem to come in the middle of blood, sweat and tears while my endorphins are running.

I had my board meeting tonight, baby. It was almost 4 hours long. I had it at our house and it was lovely. For as much as I don’t know what I am doing, you would have been so proud tonight. Because I am figuring it out with the 4 most beautiful women that exist. It was a board meeting that was full of everything you. It was a board meeting where I sat back and watched as these 4 women made me feel like we really are going to turn your foundation into something that is so beautiful and pure, that it is going to change the face of childhood cancer. It is so easy for me to slip into the dark world of I don’t need anybody because I can do this alone. But the truth is it doesn’t feel good and I can’t. You know what felt good tonight? Listening to the way we hashed out our agenda for our meeting. The way we talked about the things we need to overcome and figure out. The way we brainstormed ideas and answers. The way we worked as a team. The way I saw all four of our lovelies eyes, sparkle as they talked about you and how much they believe in you and what we are going to do. They way I felt the love that surrounded me the entire evening. I don’t allow myself to get lost in the love part of life very often anymore. It felt so very nice and I think I should try to allow it in a little more often. To live in constant pain and agony is destroying me, baby. And I know it’s not how you wish for me to be. I know this. I wish I didn’t have to have this foundation because you got sick and died from cancer. But I do and I realized tonight that this part of what is going to help heal me. I have to start to heal a little, Ronan. It’s time.

To my lovely of loveliest board members,

Thank you for tonight. Thank you for believing in me, when I sometimes forget to believe in myself. Thank you for reminding me that I am capable and worthy of feeling the love that surrounds me. Thank you for helping me take my son and not letting the “him,” get lost in all of this. Thank you for making this as important to you, as it is me. Thank you for making me feel like he was all around us tonight…. I felt him everywhere. I know he is so proud of this board that we have created. It is perfect. I love you all so very much.

I’m sleepy tonight, Ronan. Without my Ambien. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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63 thoughts on “It’s time.

  1. Ali Barnes

    You deserve to live in love and light, Maya. You and all the other bereaved parents in the world deserve it more than anyone else because you have faced the darkness the rest of us have not. I am breathing a little easier tonight knowing that at this moment in time, you are feeling a little of the peace that we have all wished for you. Keep going…just one day at a time.

  2. Annie

    Way to go on not letting the cancer demon take you over and have total control over your life. It will not win. Words cannot describe you or your beautiful Ronan.
    Love from the Pacific NW.

  3. Kristina

    I’ve been waiting for this day, Maya. I hope you are able to take even if tiny little steps towards the light… Ronan is in our hearts and even though he is not physically with you, he is still with you.
    Much much love

  4. jenna

    I cant put into words how happy iam that you are starting to find peace ..one day at a time and im sure ronan is smiling knowing his mom is starting to heal …he will alwaus be near and im glad you felt him tonight…may you continue to find peace and feel your baby surround you as you fight through this journey…much love!

  5. Cynthia

    I don’t what direction your foundation is going, this is a group that is huge here in Portland where my son received treatment for hepatoblastoma. They are amazing! Joyrx.org also known as CCA. We benefited from the music cart but the do a lot of other things to help so many families. We will never forget the small things that took our mind off our terrible struggles, My kids were young while my son battled his cancer and i do credit the association of music as therapy to the fact that my teenagers all play instruments..guitar,drums piano and have a positive outlet to direct their energy and focus then and now!

  6. Claudia Flaherty

    Maya Inca Basass Mofo!! Reading these words you have typed make me so very happy. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better and the light through the dark cloud hanging over you is beginning to shine through. You have such an amazing support system that are going to help you change things in the name of Ronan for childhood cancer. I believe in you, your blog readers believe in you, and most importantly Ronan believes in you. It’s time Mama Maya and we are here with you every step of the way.

    Thinking of you and Ro always. Xoxo

  7. Holly

    Strong, Beautiful Maya-
    What a lovely post! Good job Mamma!
    I watched Dateline NBC Nightly New last night at the end they always do a “Making a Difference” story. Last night they featured a Mom who used to make tutus while her son was going through chemo. She decided she would start making them for all the kids at 2 different hospitals. The girls get tutus & the boys get super hero capes. The doctors & nurses get some too and then everyone gets to run around just being happy kids for a few precious minutes. It’s wonderful what the child’s play does to the spirits of the children and adults. It made me instantly think of you!
    Peace,strength and hopeful happiness always!

  8. Melissa

    This is what I hope and pray for each and every day for you, Maya…that you might feel some of the love surround you and have an itsy bitsy slice of peace in your sweet strong soul! ((((Hugs)))) and love to you, Maya.

  9. tori

    After reading this post, I had a vision of Ronan (with his big blue eyes sparkling) smiling warmly and he said to me, “that’s my mom, I love her” and he was just so happy and peaceful. I was reading the post on my way into the shower, and the vision just came to me really strongly. Much love to you!

  10. Tricia

    As I read your posts, sometimes I imagine you underwater – struggling to find your way. But it seems you are finally able to break through and take a deep and full breath. You do indeed deserve it. And for however long it lasts, I am so very grateful and happy for you. I hope these moments come on strong and often. Tears of joy and tons of love for you & Ro, MammaMaya!

  11. Missie

    Sweet Maya,

    I have Followed you on this horrible journey. I have prayed that God would even give me an ounce of your pain so you wouldn’t have to carry whatever piece he would give me to carry. Today I am thankful. Thankful for any light you have in your life right now. I am also proud. Proud of how strong and brave you are. I know this is only a baby step in the direction of healing but I will continue to pray and I will continue to try and support you by reading your words and trying to live my life the way I know Ronan would want me to.

  12. Beth

    Oh Maya..I have such a big smile on my face. I have been following your sweet boys journey since the beginning and now I follow your journey. I think of you and Ronan everyday and I share your story with everyone I meet…You and Ronan have inspired me to do great things. You are truly amazing and I am feeling so blessed that Ronan’s story came into my life. Much love & peace always~

  13. Susan

    I am so glad to hear this and am thinking Ronan wants you to be happy too!! Good for you it cannot be easy to turn around but you have displayed one heck of a strong woman and I think you can do it!!

  14. Amy

    WOW! My heart is smiling today for you. I have been following this blog, your journey, for some time and was introduced to it via a friend of mine. Her son Daxton died of NB April 2010 at the age of 15 months. She mentioned you and said that the things you write are EXACTLY the way she feels. But no one knows that, because she hasn’t written a blog and no one REALLY wants to know the TRUTH of how she is.
    I want to thank you for being you and for helping my friend have some validation of her deepest hurt. I want to thank you for helping me to be a better friend,person and mother and for creating Ronan’s Foundation. You are and already have changed lives. I look forward to supporting your foundation and finding a cure for NB. You and your family are in my prayers everyday. May The Lord Bless and Keep You.
    Daxtons Fish Inc. Fishing For A Cure For Neuroblastoma
    http://www.daxtonfish.com

  15. Sherisha

    Much love to you and all of your boys Maya
    this one made me smile. You have all of our support!!!!
    Just a Kelso Girl.

  16. Daniella

    Love love <3.

    When you feel extreme pain, I feel moments of intense pain that I know are so minimal compared to your pain. But today, I am feeling moments of light and love for you… I hope they are nothing compared to the light and love you got to feel in your heart today.

    I'm sure you have lots of varied days on the horizon. Remember today (or this post, whenever you wrote it), keep it close to you, even if it’s just in the back of your head, keep it.

    Sending you thoughts of love, light and hugs.

  17. kelsey

    I tried tracking down Dr. JoRo….but you typed today exactly, i mean exactly, the Maya I knew was caged up behind her mind and its powerful tricks!! …It seems you are breaking free from the chains that have bound your mind and your heart…..by using acceptance, and by understanding, actually OVERstanding, what acceptance means….I am so proud of your strength….continue being you, as obviously you naturally draw strength, wisdom and positive people your way….I know this wasn’t the life you planned, but I also know that you are amazing…and check you out…you are rockin’ it!! LOVE, love, one perfect love!! πŸ™‚ Fuckin A man!!! πŸ™‚

  18. Claudia Flaherty

    So Maya, I know how much you love and appreciate music and how it speaks to your soul. Me too (FTP forever baby!)!!! Anywho, my all-time favorite band is Incubus. Their latest album released last year has a song on it called ‘If Not Now, When?’ which happens to also be the name of the album. It is fantastic!! I am attempting to attach the link to the YouTube video w/song lyrics (hopefully this works). Your title of this post “It’s Time” so reminds me of this song. Listen and you will understand. I know songs mean different things to different people and that is what makes them so special. Music is a wonderful and healing gift.

    So happy for you again. You have reached a milestone in your grieving process. Baby steps Maya…one baby step at a time.

    Xoxo

    5:05
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...
    Oct 9, 2011

  19. Glenda

    Maya,

    This post made my heart do a happy dance. Just remember the readers that have been here will be here. That’s me! You have all of our support. On good days and bad days. I’m just happy that you had a good day! πŸ˜€

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always Ro! I go to the stores and see Star Wars, purple, sparkles, stars, Paul Frank Monkey…and all I think about is your blue eyed spicy monkey that captured my heart.

    Peace & strength to you mamabear… one little step at a time…one second, minute, day at a time. WE are here right behind you for support.

    xo

  20. Tiffany

    You are so brave and courageous. I’m so glad this day has come for you, and my hope is that you continue to have more days like this than the dark days of last week. Way to kick off the new year! I can’t wait to see what your board has in store. Ronan is alive in you!!!!

    Always thinking about you,
    Tiffany in PHX (the other Quinn’s mom)

  21. Colleen

    Oh man – I’m crying at work again (which is where i most often read your blog). I am so sincerely heartwarmed to see this positive day has greeted you; I hope it is the begining of beautiful things to come. I can’t wait to see how you change the world and continue to inspire all your fans in internetland, and I’m sure, all those that know and love you personally. I hope someday our paths cross so i can hug you in person πŸ™‚
    Much love

  22. Colleen Fisher

    Hugs to you from DC. πŸ™‚

    PS – Team Rockstar is up to $42,000+ – fifth place in the nation. Something good indeed. XOXO

  23. Meg

    You inspire me. So strong. So beautiful. So filled with love for your son. Thats the way it should be and you WILL help raise awareness and you WILL change childhood cancer, i belive it to my very core.

  24. Summer

    I am so happy to hear this. You so deserve some happiness, because you have been through hell!! I am glad you are finally coming out of the darkside!! xoxo summer

  25. Natalie

    I absolutely love this post! πŸ™‚ You do deserve to smile! Hugs and kisses from Ohio! Your changing the world mama!!!!!

    1. Natalie

      Finger slipped, was meaning to put Ronan, yoi beautiful blue eyed boy, your changing the world oh so much!!!!!! Love you!!!!!

  26. Kim Fearon O'Connor

    Maya, I am so happy for you that you found a ray of light in your darkness and that you’re doing it on your own terms, not anyone elses. As much as you will always miss him and have an empty hole in your heart, you will also the miracle that is the love Ro filled it with that can never EVER be taken away from you. I know that sounds like some greeting card fluffy bullshit, but as awesome and loving and positive and rambuctious and amazing as Ro is, he would want you to find a way to spread it all over the planet. It’s up to you now to carry his torch and never let it burn out.

  27. Lori

    You are a brave, beautiful person! I have never commented here, but have read for a long time. I think of Ronan and your sweet family a lot. Keep walking towards the light girl! You have hugs, love and prayers from so many! I will not even pretend to know what you are experiencing, but please know, you have my love! Godspeed in your enfeebled to bring awareness!
    Lori

  28. Amanda Sands

    YOU CAN DO ITTTTT!!!! (Said in a super weird accent or something lol) You are amazing. You are brilliant. You are important. You are loved. Now repeat. You WILL get through this. Ro wont let you fail.

  29. Desiree

    I want to repeat EVERYTHING everyone else just said on here already…. Ditto, ditto, ditto! What relief, and huge smiles, while reading this post. So happy for you, that you experienced even just a little ounce of peace… Amazing Maya, you can do this, keep going… and know that Maya’s Mafia is behind you every step of the way. Watch out 2012!

  30. debra l nolen

    im glad you feel better, I am sure your two wonderful sons are glad you feel better – ronans light shines in your heart and the light of your two sons shine on you – ro wont let you fail and your sons and husband and your board and all of the people who support your families loss wont either. Like I say god gives the most hurt to the people who are capable of teaching the lessons learned – you are going to kick ass with your foundation….

  31. ks

    Love that you’re letting in the love!….Keep fighting for what needs to be done, Maya! So many people are behind you!

  32. Heather L.

    Maya, I am feeling hopeful for you. I just know that this makes Ronan happy, too. I can feel how much he loves you and wants your happiness. I wish I had words to make you feel better, but I do not. Just know that I am thinking of you.

  33. Kaitlyn Fishman

    Maya- It was so nice to meet you today during my class. I so appreciate your time and willingness to share your heart-wrenching story. I feel lucky to have been a volunteer at PCH while Ronan was treated there so that I had the amazing opportunity to meet (and play πŸ™‚ ) with him. I hesitated introducing myself to you today as I didn’t want to overwhelm you and make the day any harder than it already was for you. So, I hope you don’t mind that I came up to you to share my experience with Ronan. I’m sure you get a lot of offers, but if you ever need another person to talk to, vent to, sit with you, listen to you, etc., please, please, please do not hesitate to email me (kaitlyn.fishman@gmail.com). I would LOVE to help you in anyway that I can- always know that the offer is open!

  34. Nicole

    What courage that took. I continue to be amazed at your inner strength. I am sorry you have to go through this. The world does deserve a big middle finger. xoxo

  35. Toshia

    In this post you talked about Anger, bitterness, jealously, resentment being a part of your life and they never had before. Those words have always been a big part of my life and I hate it yet I can’t seem to fight it and that makes me feel ashamed of myself because I have never had anything happen in my life such as losing your son to make me be this way, it makes me feel like I have no right to these feelings and I apologize to you and to Ronan that I’ve my life letting those emotions control me.
    You are strong even though you don’t want to be, you are amazing, you along WITH Ronan are going to change the face of childhood cancer, you are as remarkable, and amazing as he is. You do not give yourself enough credit.
    I hope it is okay to comment on older blog posts, I am reading through everything one day at a time.

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