I happen to like 3 a.m.

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Ronan. If I don’t write to you tonight, my head might explode. Today was one of those days where I cannot fall asleep because my head is spinning. There is so much going on here, that I can’t even see straight. What have I been doing? Running around like a chicken with its head cut off. September is right around the corner and we have so much going on and coming up that I don’t even know where to start, so I’m going to start somewhere completely random. Your brothers started school last week. Did I already tell you that in an earlier post? I cannot remember. They started the 4th grade. I can’t even believe that as the time has gone by so fast with those two. Of course, on their first day of school, I dropped them off and sat and watched them as they walked into school together, from my car. My heart broke into thousands of pieces not getting you to watch you walk into school with them. Would have it been kindergarten or first grade for you? Not sure, because of your almost summer birthday. If you would have survived cancer, I’ll bet we would have waited to start you in kindergarten until this year, so you would have been on the older side. I never thought I would be begging for the side effects of treatment from you cancer, but I would have given anything for those problems instead of having you just dead.

Just as I was sitting there, watching your brothers, I saw an old mom friend of mine, walking her little boy into school. An old ghost mommy friend as I like to call them, because at one time they existed, or did they? Sometimes I think they may have been just a figment of my imagination.

Crap. I know that lady, I thought to myself as I watched her walk her new kindergartener into the school. But I can’t place how I know her. Did I know her from my time with Liam and Quinn when they were at their preschool or did I know her from when you were there? Was she a Liam and Quinn kind of mommy friend or and Ronan kind of mommy friend? A ghostly past of my preschool mommy friends who went away after you got sick and died and who never looked back, or did I only know her during my blissfully happy days when I lived in happy land and childhood cancer did not exist. I run into those ghosts of my mommy past sometimes. Some days, I run screaming the other way. Some days, I smile and pretend like everything is o.k. or like my feelings are not hurt at all for the friendships I thought I had, but it turns out it was not as true as I had once thought in my mind. At the end of the day, I’m o.k. with it all though. The Fernanda’s, Stacy’s, Macy’s, and Mandy’s make everything more than o.k. in that department and I know, the one’s that stuck and fought for me and you… well, I am SO beyond lucky to have them as they rock my world every fucking day.

This week has been the kind of week where I am saying yes to everything that is thrown my way. Yes to the Gold Weekend in September.  Yes to the Spirithoods founder wanting to come out here to meet us and film a documentary next week.  Yes to helping Jim Fry drum up some press for his crazy kick ass bike ride through the Pyrenees. Yes to the interview where I will be featured once again in the Phoenix Magazines Movers and Shakers of the Valley. Yes to Liam and Quinn I am super mommy and can take on the world while helping you with your massive amounts of homework and whatever else you need. Yes to everything Poppy, of course. Yes to running on my very bummed out hurt knee that I obviously did something to over the summer, but I am choosing to ignore it because as I told Woody tonight, “If Ronan can go through cancer treatments, I can run on a fucking hurt knee.” Yes to everything while still making time to write this book which leaves me with little time to sleep or eat for that matter.

I can’t sleep and the whole eating thing is just getting in the way of what I am doing, so I’ve decided to take a break from that as well. I work best on fumes, anyway. Will I crack, will I break, will I have a massive super meltdown? I really hope not until after at least September. I’ve got too much to do as of now.

I’m also a little sad this week due to more than just your death. Remember that crazy ass stalker, Mandy Bee who swooped into my life like a Tasmanian devil? Who never claimed to be anything but a crazy stalker who just wanted to be my friend and who did things like drop off candy and leg warmers at my front door until I could not longer say no to becoming friends with her? What can I say, she learned my weaknesses early on. I mean candy AND leg warmers? I didn’t stand a chance. So, I let her into my life sometimes just a little and sometimes a lot. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed with amount of love she wanted to shower me with, so I would pull back a little. I often didn’t feel like I was worthy of the love she was wanting to give me.  Well, that crazy ass bitch moved right down the street and right when I was starting to become just as obsessed with her, as she is with me, she pulled the rug out from underneath me and is moving back to Canada. WTH, Ronan? That is not being a very good stalker, if you ask me. Mandy has become my side kick, my partner in crime and I’ve gotten really used to having her around. I am kind of heartbroken. I was texting about Mandy moving back to Canada with Stacy the other night. She said to me, “You know, all Mandy every wanted from you was your friendship. Nothing else.” I know this. It was never a friendship built on, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. It was always, I’m going to scratch your back, even if you don’t let me, I’m going to do it anyway, while jumping out of a plane and skydiving with you. Mandy never had alternative motive. The day I met her, she announced she was fucking crazy and never pretended to be anything but that. I’ve gotten quite used to that crazy and I love it. So yeah, I’m a little more than sad about it but once you are sisters in this world, you are sister for life. I know she won’t ever be too far away and she will be back her often, which will help to soften the blow just a little. I’m still super sad about it though and I really think the whole situation, sucks balls.

Poppy, Poppy, Poppy. Somebody today asked me if we had started up “Mommy and Baby” classes yet. I looked dumbfounded and said, “Uhhhh, no. Unless you count taking her to every single foundation meeting with me as mommy and baby time.” Crap. Aren’t I supposed to be starting music classes with her or something like that to get her “socialized?” I’m sure that’s what I was up to when I had you, Liam and Quinn at this age. Maybe 4 months is a little early, but I’m sure I was doing it at around 6 months. Whatever. We do take music classes every day and they are called Taylor Swift is rad. We sing and dance to her songs and Poppy likes it best when I lull her to sleep with them. Those classes with just the two of us are better than anything I could ever pay for.

Alright, little man. This is all for tonight. I’ve got to try to turn my brain off. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite, baby boy.

xoxo

“Mom…how did that baby get in your belly?”

Ronan. Hi. I love you.

I’ve still been really tired, but really busy. I’ve tried to take it easy. I had dinner last night with Tricia and Marisa. My two oldest friends from my oldest most perfect life that no longer exist. It has been hard to be around them since going through all of this. Hard because I know they loved you in a way that a lot of people didn’t just because of the fact that they knew you so well. It’s hard to see that raw pain in their eyes that looks a lot like my own. They both know about this baby. Marisa was one of the first people I called to tell. She is my go to gal on all things related to pregnancy. She was ecstatic over the phone, but it was even better to see her in person. She gave me a long hard hug with tears in her eyes. She gave me the listen here talk which consisted of things like, “Now, I’m here to tell you, we need to be a part of this baby. You can’t push us away anymore. I am here to say, I will stalk you at your doctor appointments, your house, the hospital…. you have to let us be a part of this. We all need this. This is such a good, positive thing for all of us. Our friendship needs this. We are not going anywhere. We are taking over.” I giggled, got teary eyed and quietly listened to my friend do what she does best which is be a jewish mother hen/best friend. I told her I knew. That of course I would let them be a part of this. I miss them so much. I told Marisa I know she has stepped back and given me my space, but I never thought she went away. Believe me. I know what it feels like to have people go away, Ro. A lot of people that used to be in my life, have. I don’t know if it’s due to the uncomfortableness  of this. Due to not knowing what to do/say/or how to act. Due to me pushing. Or a combo of all things. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is I know who is here for the long haul. The good the bad and the worst. I’ve always known our Little M was in this for everything, no matter what. I have missed my friend so much. It was a 3 hour dinner that was very much needed. I could have stayed tucked in our little table all night long with the two of them. It was a really, really good dinner. They talk about you so much, too. They are not afraid to speak your name. I so need that. I means everything to me.

Your Liam asked me today how a baby got inside my stomach. Ummm…… this was is not a story I am ready to explain to my 9-year-old. I just reacted with the first thing that came to my mind which was, “A stork.” Liam looked at me and goes, “What’s that?” Crap. Kids don’t know about storks these days. I said, “It’s a bird that leaves a baby on the porch of the house.” Liam rolled his eyes at me and goes, “That’s not true.” “You’re right, that’s not true,” I said. I then responded with, “I asked Ronan for a baby. I told him I thought it would be really nice for all of us if we could have a baby in our family.” Shit. I hope this works I thought to myself in my head. Liam just looked at me and goes, “O.k. That was really nice of him to do.” YES! I smiled at your brother. I couldn’t believe that answer worked. Saved by your Romazingness once again.

Holy hell. I am so glad this secret is out. I have hated keeping this in. It’s a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about things on here! I was so nervous to post for some reason. You all are the SWEETEST. Your kind words have truly made my night. Thanks for all the support and love, with everything. I can’t believe I have not gotten any nasty comments yet. That NEVER happens! It’s nice to know that the kind-hearted people out weigh the mean/sad people by far. You all are truly the best. Oh, and thank you to the man that came up to me today at Chelsea’s Kitchen. He was someone I didn’t know, but said he recognized me and wanted to tell me how this blog has changed his life and made him such a better dad. I never get dad’s that come up to me! It’s always moms. It meant so much to me and truly made my day. Thank you Chelsea’s Kitchens stranger:)

That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today, is here and I am beat. I woke up today, so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. Too many things swirling through my head. I had another golf lesson today. My giant boobs are becoming a handicap and interfering with my game. Just when I was getting really good…. my professional golfing dreams might have to be put on hold. My sweet instructor tried to convince me otherwise though. We talked a lot about you today and this new baby. She said she was sick to learn of all I had been through. I told her I knew, that everybody was sick over the loss of you. My lesson was great but my energy was zapped after I left there. This baby does not like the heat. I came home to try to rest. My phone kept buzzing with text messages and emails. I had too much to do to slow down for the afternoon so I sucked it up and got a lot of things done. I was on my way over to see Katie when I pulled over to stop at A.J.’s to get us some drinks. I got a text message from Robyn, Ezra’s mom who has now become someone that I treasure so much, that knowing she is in pain, the same way that I am, destroys me. Ezra’s fourth birthday is this Friday. She should be planning it not thinking about what she is going to do, on his birthday to survive the day. She should be playing with her twin 2 and a half years olds, not just one of them. We both decided that life should not go on after this. I told her this life is a death sentence, where we are forced to stay alive. I went to go into the store, reached for my wallet and pulled out a bag of your ashes instead. This caused me to go into complete hysteria and have a total breakdown in my car where I couldn’t breathe or stop screaming and crying through my tears. I forced myself to go into A.J.s. I didn’t have my sunglasses to hide my blood-shot eyes but I didn’t care. Iced Tea’s or bust. I made it out alive, but I went in armed with my FUCK YOU stamp that my friend from Australia, Ali, sent me. I was going to stamp it on anybody that got the way of a grieving mom who should have been carrying a 5 year-old on her hip, not his ashes in her purse.

I spent the rest of the day with Katie and a got a surprise visit from Mandy Bee who just happened to stop by The Garage while I was there. We caught up and made some plans for a little event we are doing on September 20th. I’ll talk about that later as I am wiped out tonight from this day. G’nite baby doll. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Have a good party with Ezra on Friday. I know you two will do something extra spicy. I miss you so much.

xoxo

A Happy Birthday, Daddy Woo from Ronan

Ronan. It’s days like today that make me realize, it can’t rain forever. I have had a really tough week. Grief completely knocked me down and shackled me to my bed yesterday. Literally. Your brothers are wrapping up the school year. It’s been a constant stream of end of the year stuff. We had their end of year, baseball party a couple of nights ago. That’s the straw that broke the already very broken straw on the camels back. I went to it. I put on my face of composure, grace, and happiness. Anybody that looked me in the eyes and truly looked would have seen what was going on. I spent the entire evening, looking for you, everywhere I went. Why aren’t you there, running after your brothers like everyone else’s siblings? Why aren’t you there, giggling and jumping on the trampoline with all the other kids? Why aren’t I scooping food on your plate and making sure you ate a good dinner? I know why. It’s always the same answer and I always hate it. It will never become an easy pill to swallow. I will choke on it for the rest of my life. I made it through the party. I reached my breaking point just as it was coming to an end. I looked at your daddy and said, “I have to go. This is too much.” I left the party without your brothers. Your daddy brought them home about 10 minutes later. 10 minutes more and I would have flipped out, big time. I don’t know what flipping out big time really looks like yet because I always seem to take myself out of the situation, before it happens. I’ll bet it would have ended up as me, huddled in a corner, refusing to leave the party until your daddy went and found you and put you safely in my arms. Where you belong. Where you should always have been.

So, it was the day after that party that I knew I was not going to make it. Your brothers last day of school. I was so shaky, all day. I picked them up, they were all excited about their grades and going to some trampoline park with their friends. I told them I would take them, so we headed over. We parked our car and headed inside. “Oh, shit,” I thought to myself. The trampoline park, looked like it threw up an entire elementary school, on that day. I think your brothers saw the color drain from my face. I just looked at them and honestly told them, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this today, you guys. Is it o.k. if we just go do something else?” They were both so sweet about it. I got an, “Sure, mom. It’s crazy in here.” We bolted out the door before we got sucked into the too much chaos that I cannot seem to handle well anymore. We went and got Mexican Food instead. I tried my best to play the happy mama role when it was all I could do, not to fall apart. I held it together at the restaurant. I did not hold it together, when we came home. I fell apart. I don’t do this often in front of your brothers. I did it yesterday. I went straight to bed at 3:00 p.m. I stayed there for the rest of the night. Your brothers and your daddy came to check in on me, but I had checked out. “Please, just let me be. Please just give me some space.” They did. I shut my bedroom door. I watched some really fucked up movie called, “We need to talk about Kevin.” I needed to get lost in the world of somebody else’s whose life was more fucked up than mine. This movie did the trick. I don’t ever watch movies anymore due to my lack of concentration. I did pretty well with this one. I felt so guilty about shutting everyone out. I did the whole, “You are a bad mama thing. Nice way to end your boys’ school year, you loser.” Yeah. I gave myself a beat down. I do that a lot. I know I am my toughest critic and my own worst enemy. But I did not have a choice yesterday. I had met with Dr. JoRo earlier in the day and we both knew I was going to lose it. I had a very shaky session full of a lot of guilt about you dying a little shame. I can usually gage the rest of my day on how our sessions go. I was a wreck during this one so it was no surprise I cracked. After my alone time, your Quinn came and curled up with me. He had his little head buried in a pillow. I heard him sniffle. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you crying?” He didn’t answer. I grabbed him and touched his little cheeks. I felt his big alligator tears. He didn’t want to talk. This is turn made me start to cry. I laid my head down next to him and started crying with him. I then started talking, while I was crying. “Quinn. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to your baby brother. He loved you so much. This is so unfair and wrong and he should be here. Nothing will ever make this right and I am so sorry this happened to us. It shouldn’t have. None of this deserved this. He was the best little brother, wasn’t he? I’m sorry if my being sad, upset you today. I just really miss, Ro. I am so thankful I have you and Liam. I love you both so much. I love Ronan so much too which is why we will make our lives even better, because of him. He is still around, leaving us little gifts everywhere. I love you. I love you so much, Quinn.”

We both got up. I told him I bought him a journal/drawing tablet. We sat in bed and I scribbled in mine and he drew some pictures in his, of you. You should see them. The are adorable and one actually really looks like you. I think the writing and drawing really helped him. It seemed to calm him down and he was so proud of his work. Writing and drawing seem to be a good outlet for him. He’s very much like me in that way.

May is almost over. Thankfully. I’m so done with this month. It was your daddy’s birthday yesterday. I think I gave him a really good gift and it had nothing to do with anything I bought him. The gift I gave him yesterday was priceless. I’ve been working on this gift, for a while. It’s one that has slowly been falling into place. Yesterday, I gave your daddy the gift of team work. Dreams. Visions. And making them a reality. We are both on the same page with what we want to do, for you. We had a little pow wow yesterday. One where we were able to voice our visions and get some feedback on them. I have no doubt in my mind, what we are going to do. Something huge. Something beautiful. Something that is unlike anything else that exists. Because you were that unique, which is why this will be too. Yesterday, the no word did not exist. No matter if it was said or not. All I heard yesterday was, YESYESYES. You CAN do this. I hear the word yes in every conversation I have now. If the no word ever pops up in my life, I’ve already figured 10 ways to get around it and make it a YES. To me, I’ve had the word NO thrown in my face, the hardest way possible, by losing you. Therefor, no will never be an acceptable answer again. Not with anything I do. After our pow wow of ninjaness, we went to dinner. Liam and Quinn were at Mandy Bee’s house and we went to pick them up, but they were not wanting to leave as they were in the middle of dinner/playing. Because of this, your daddy and I went to some random Mexican restaurant in way North Scottsdale. An area that we never go out to. I was all giddy from our pow wow. We sat down at your table. Our waitress came over and asked what we wanted to drink. She was wearing a purple bracelet. I just looked at her and said, “What’s your purple bracelet for?” She shyly said, “Cancer.” I just smiled and said, “Oh, for who?” She then said, “For some little boy, named Ronan.” I held up my hand and waved. “Hi. I’m Ronan’s mom.” She looked shocked. She told me that some of the waitresses wear your bracelets. I told her thank you. That’s when I went off on your daddy. “OMG. Do you see? There are NO coincidences in life. We are at some random place, we’ve never been… we just had this great teamwork of a day…. this is a sign from Ronan that we are doing the right thing. This is what we are meant to do for him. And on all days, this all happens on your birthday. It’s Ronan’s birthday gift to you today. I have no doubt in my mind, we are doing this.” I told your daddy to leave her a good tip and I also left her a bunch more bracelets and Ro cards. We are changing the world. This is not just a cancer story, Ro. It’s our never-ending love story. Our love story that is going to change the world.

We ended the day by picking up your brothers. They had the best time spending the afternoon/evening with our Mandy Bee. Thanks, Bee. They were tired when we got home but they were excited to give your daddy his present and card. It was a nice way to end our day. I signed your daddy’s card from you as well. I will always do that, for you. I also signed his card. I didn’t say much. I simply told him, “I’m lucky to have you.” Because I am. I know this. Your daddy is the glue that is holding us all together. I am so very thankful for that. It was a hard birthday for him, not having you here. That was evident in his face all night long. He loves you so much.

Today, is Friday. Today, is busy. Today, I can get through. I’ve got so much to live for and so much to do, all in the name of you. Today, there is no stopping me. I’m on a mission. I am doing this. In my mind, it’s already done.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Have a good day, baby doll.

xoxo

A tutu, mustache wearing, dance party, hike with a little badass Bee

Ronan. I cooked the eggies this morning. And the sausage. And bacon. Fruit. I had croissants that Rita gave me last night, but I forgot to take them out of your daddy’s car. They were the kind that are frozen and you leave them out over night, to rise. Your daddy called me this afternoon. “Did Rita give you croissants or something last night?” “Yeah! I can’t find them!” I said. “They are in the back of my car. They are rising as we speak. I’ll run them home for you.”

I chuckled. Grief brain. What an asshole it is. I cooked them anyway for your brothers. They were an awesome afternoon snack for them. I felt like a good mom for not burning them. I played baseball with your brothers, too. I tried really hard to be a good mom today. I’m exhausted from it all. It was a long day of missing you.

I ran around and got some things done this morning. I met up with Mandy Bee. She has been gone a lot so I have not seen much of her. I miss her and the ability she has to make me forget about all this pain for a bit. Even if it’s only for a few hours. I told her I had to get my hike in for the day. She offered to come, even though she had already done some crazy work out early in the morning. I told her I would love for her to come with me. We both decided that we needed to hike in our tutu’s today. We ran to her house and got hers and then met back up at our house. We drove to the mountain and went on probably one of the best hikes I’ve had since you’ve been gone. We bolted up the mountain for 90 minutes of pure craziness. We went on a different trail with music from her iPhone blaring, and we full on had a dance party the whole way to the top. I laughed. I wore my mustache sunglasses. I didn’t cry hiking that mountain today with Mandy Bee. I got lost in the world that she creates for me which is either really, really sad when I need it to be. Or else it is really, really happy. In the craziest way possible. We looked like we were nuts today. It felt good to look nuts and not in the way that I normally look hiking that mountain with red eyes and black mascara running down my face. The break from that was much needed, especially after last nights heavy-hearted hike. I know I desperately need more days like today where I am able to laugh and let go. They don’t come very often but when they do…. watch out. They make me feel like I am on top of the world with you right by my side, holding my hand. My best days always remind me of you.

I did not decide on our trip today. I am procrastinating in a big way.  I deserved today. I just could not deal with the pressure of making any big decisions about fucking May. Maybe tomorrow.

Short post tonight, baby doll. The little sleep I had last night is hitting me. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite. Sweet dreams

xoxo

Vegas on crack

;

Ronan. Is the picture above, sad? Because I wept just seeing it. It tells the story of everything that is wrong in this life, because you are gone. It tells the story of everything that should be, but is not. At least to me it does. Is everything sad? Because I can’t seem to stop crying. Is this because I spent much of my time in New York, not crying? I went days there, without crying. Now back here, I cannot seem to stop. I took my Ambien to go to sleep last night. Fucking Fuck. I just wanted to 6 solid hours of sleep without tossing and turning. Is that too much to ask? I woke up today, feeling rested. I thought it was going to be an o.k. day. I was wrong. I spent the morning being productive, trying to get some thank you cards addressed. It seems like I am drowning in them. I have to get them sent out. I hope there are not people out there, who think I am not thankful for all they have done, big and small. Nothing goes unnoticed. As I was addressing the envelopes, I thought to myself…. I really don’t recognize any of these names. Who are all of these selfless people, who love you so much that they wanted to help us in our darkest hours? Strangers? Long lost friends? Acquaintances? Is does not matter because they are all united by you so that makes me love them all, even if I may not know their faces. I feel like I know their hearts and they are beautiful.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the day except I didn’t leave the house. I could easily become a hermit and I have decided I have developed Agoraphobia. Well, at least that is the way I felt today. I felt afraid of the world but hey…. that’s not right because I’m not supposed to be scared of anything. Today, I felt scared. Today, it seemed too bright outside to venture anywhere at all. So I didn’t. Do you know what the outside world looks like to me on most days? Las Vegas, on crack. Everything is so bright, that it hurts. Everything looks so fake and plastic. Everything feels like an illusion and a dream. Maybe I should move to Alaska where the sun doesn’t shine so much. I have a feeling my zombie self would do just fine there. I didn’t pick up the phone either, even though it kept ringing and my text messages, kept dinging. I was in the zone of cleaning out my jewelry drawer and I knew what I was going to find even though I wasn’t looking for it. The ziploc baggie that contains your hair. Your beautiful hair that I had saved when we shaved your head. I opened the baggie, felt your soft hair, and wept. In the middle of my crying, my doorbell rang. I threw on my big, chucky sweater and went to answer it. It was Mandy Bee and she was tired of me ignoring the phone and her. And she was worried. I let her in and let her hold me while I sobbed in her arms. I had the ziploc baggie of your hair in my hands. We sat on the couch and she tried to get me to leave with her. I told her I couldn’t go anywhere except for I had to meet your daddy at Dr. Rachels. I told her I needed to try to make myself look less like a zombie for that. She stayed with me as I somehow managed to throw on some mascara and take my hair out of it’s wet mop on top of my head. I totally had good intentions of leaving the house today, early on. I showered in the morning but I just couldn’t seem to manage much more than that.

Mandy Bee picked up your brothers at school for me. She brought them back to our house for a little playdate with her boys. She also insisted that she was taking me to dinner tonight. I told her no. I tried every excuse I could use, to get out of it. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. Your daddy took your brothers to play basketball. I headed out into the dark for a run. Mandy called me halfway through my run to tell me she was on her way to pick me up. That girl is so persistent. I finished my run just in time to hop in the shower before Mandy came to kidnap me. I answered the door and told Mandy I could not go anywhere that sweats/no makeup/ glasses on/wet hair up in a bun/chunky sweater/red eyes were not allowed. I also told her I could not eat because I had been throwing up all day. She totally pretended like she was agreeing to everything I was saying, but we ended up at True Foods anyway were I proceeded to eat a little something for her. I ate. I sat. We talked. I was glad I went out with her for the hour that I did. I needed the little shove that she gave me. I hope tomorrow is better. There has been a lot of screaming voices in my head again and they have not been saying very nice things. They are making me tired, restless, and exhausted. It’s obvious the grief grim reaper/inferno fuckwad Bob is back with a vengeance. I’ve been trying to let myself just be true to what I have felt the past couple of days. I have tried to be respectful of the way I am feeling by not forcing anything else. I am learning that grief comes in waves. It will never be a steady uphill process. I know I can get knocked back down, at anytime and it often feels like I am starting all over at square one. There is no rhyme or reason to this…. it’s just the way this grief thing works; for me at least. Everyone is different. All I can do it be patient and surrender to the way I am feeling, at this moment in time. One foot in front of the other as they say. Or two-steps backwards to go off the beaten path to an unknown destination. Nothing is guaranteed in life; especially not now. All I can do is keep trying to survive, one day at a time.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams little man. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

8 Months so a Skydiving we will go, Ro.

Ro baby. I didn’t die today. I really thought I was going to. I woke up this morning, knowing what the day had in store. I didn’t dare tell your brothers what I had planned. Your daddy chose to ignore my danger day and left the house the way he always does; by kissing me goodbye and telling me to have a good day. We had talked on Thursday night about the skydiving I had planned for Monday. Well, we didn’t actually talk about it…. I more just told him I was doing it. He said to me, “Don’t you think we should sit down and have a discussion about this?” I said, “We’re having a discussion now. I’m going skydiving on Monday.” He said he didn’t want me to go. That I could die. I told him that I could die crossing the street. He didn’t think that was a very good argument. He made his feelings known that he didn’t like the idea and we left it at that. We didn’t talk about it again until after I made it safely to the ground today. Your daddy knows how I am, once I get an idea in my head. There is no stopping me. Especially not now. Your daddy knew I was a handful before losing you, Ro. Now the word handful has taken on a whole new meaning. Yowzer. At least I keep things spicy, right baby doll;) Extra spicy just for you.

I woke up  this morning like it was just another normal day, without you. I got your brothers ready and Mandy Bee came over to help me as she was my danger crusade sidekick for the day. She packed your brothers lunches while I ran around the house, trying to get ready. I knew I wanted to take you with me, but there was no way I was going to bring your heavy locket, skydiving. I went and got a small ziplock bag and opened up your Urn. I put my hands inside and went to grab some of your ashes. I grabbed something hard instead. It looked like one of your little bones. I dropped it back into your Urn. I looked down at it, didn’t want to touch it, but then thought to myself there is a reason I was supposed to touch that today. I scooped it up and put it in my little baggie and zipped it up in the pocket of my coat. I didn’t throw up, but paced back and forth, crying instead. I quickly pulled it together so I could get your brothers off to school. I didn’t want them to see me so upset as they would have worried. We hopped in Mandy’s car so we could drop off Liam and Quinn. I hugged and kissed them both and told them how much I loved them and to have a wonderful day.

As we drove off, I got really quiet which is always the first clue that I’m a mess in my head. My silence screams my pain. Mandy asked what was wrong, besides the obvious. I didn’t answer at first but stared out the window instead. After a minute or two, I pulled out your ashes told her the story and starting bawling that I couldn’t believe you, my baby, were in a plastic fucking baggie. She just held my hand, listened, cried, and we talked about how fucking fucked up all of this is. What else could she have said? Nothing and she knows that. That’s the thing I love most about that Mandy Bee. She never tries to make things better with bullshit words. She knows she can’t so she just lets me be. We drove to Eloy and it was mostly a quiet drive. We both started to freak out as we got closer, talking about how we couldn’t believe we were going to jump out of a plane. I told her I fully expected to die. She told me I was not dying on her watch so to shut the fuck up. I just laughed and told her that I thought I was going to and I was o.k. with that. As soon as we started to get closer, we looked up and saw about 10 parachutes falling from the sky. The excitement started to kick in. We checked in, watched a short video and signed a ton of paperwork in regards to our life. Or our death. We sat and signed our lives away without thinking twice. We went and got suited up, met our partners in crime and listened as they gave us very little, but informative instructions in regards to tandem jumping with them. I guess knowing less is better so that way you don’t over think it. I chose to not over think anything at all today. I only thought about you the entire time.

The guy I jumped with was named Jason. I liked him instantly. He was young, tattooed, a great smile, and the icing on the cake was his beautiful blue eyes. I instantly felt like you were there, holding my hand, once I met Jason. As you yourself, had hand picked him out for me today to jump with because you knew he would keep me safe. I know this was one of the reasons why I didn’t ever feel scared or panicked. I felt a peacefulness and a calmness that I have not felt in so long. We waited our turn and climbed on board of the plane which held about 20 people. Up and up we went. It was SO HIGH, Ronan. I had one moment as I was looking out the window of the plane that I thought, “What the FUCK am I doing?” But then I remembered that today, was your 8 months. Today, I remembered that it has been 8 months since I last kissed your lips. Today, I remembered that because I have faced my worst fear in life, that I have have nothing to fear anymore. 13,000 feet up in the air we went and I could have not felt more content or calm. My head has not been this quiet since before losing you. There were no screaming voices today in my head. Only pure silence. Jason was preparing me to jump. He was strapping me to his body and as he was putting me in-between his legs, he said something that was so inappropriately wrong, that it made my entire day and night because it was that raunchy, perverted and hilarious. It made me forget the fact that I was about to plummet to my death. I told you I knew you had picked just the right guy for me today, Ro. You know my sense of humor so well. I looked at Mandy as I was getting ready to jump out of the plane, first. She screamed,  “I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” I looked back at her, flashed her a smile and said, “I LOVE YOU MOOOOORRRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jason stood me up at the open door of the plane and told me to look up. ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!! We jumped. We fell. We flew. We became one.  I screamed, laughed, flipped off the camera man who was taking a video of the entire thing. I screamed “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!” I yelled, “I LOVE YOU, RONAN!” We fell, in the sky without our parachute being open for at least a minute. It was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had, besides being your mama. I wasn’t ever scared. I wanted to free fall, forever. It  didn’t feel like I was falling from the sky. I felt like I was floating. I felt closer to you today, then I have since you’ve been gone. Jason pulled the parachute after a minute or so. After that, we were able to talk while we floated all around in the sky. He pointed out the mountains in the horizon. I asked him how I did and he said amazing. I told him all about you and how I was doing this, for you, because of you. Because you’ll never have the chance so now I have to do things like this, for you. If you were still here I would have NEVER done this. But now I wonder why not? It was the most freeing feeling that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m only sorry it took you dying, for me to do something like this. The landing was easy, and Mandy Bee was waiting for me. She came running over, jumped in my lap and kissed me smack on the lips. It was one of the top 5 BEST days, of my life.

Today, I didn’t feel like I was buried alive. I didn’t have a hard time breathing. I felt happy. I felt fearless. I felt free. I said to myself, If I can jump out of a plane for Ronan, I can do ANYTHING. I meant that today. All I wanted to do today was to get back into that plane, and jump again. I jumped up and down with Mandy on the ground, instead. My Mandy Bee who is afraid of heights, Ronan. Afraid of heights, but didn’t think twice about going with me when I put this out there about a month ago. My Mandy Bee that you never got to know, but it is because of you that I have found my fearless soul mate in life. The friend who holds on to me the tightest when all I want is for her and everyone around me to let go. The friend that is not scared of my dark side that often exists. The friend who doesn’t judge. The friend that trusts me, embraces my crazy ideas, and thinks I am capable of anything and everything. Thank you for her. Thank you so very much. You have no idea, how many times she has saved me. I don’t know how I would be doing any of this without her. I am so glad I don’t have to.

After our jump of death. Or jump of life…. whichever you prefer… we went and grabbed lunch at your favorite place, Chelsea’s Kitchen. Mandy Bee also went grocery shopping with me, which you know I don’t do well with. I would rather jump out of a plane any day then tackle the grocery store. It helped having her there so much. I’m learning that I do indeed need help with things and for now, grocery shopping is one of them. I’m learning that it is still o.k. to ask for help, especially now that you are gone. It’s too hard to go there alone and without you. So Mandy shopped with me. We rode on the carts like I would have done with you. Remember how you would sit in the cart and I would push you so fast and crazy? You would giggle with fits of laughter. I pushed my cart fast and crazy for you today, only I was the one riding on it. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you got cancer and I couldn’t make you better. I’m sorry I have to live without you. But thank you for letting me live today and making me feel like it might be o.k. That it won’t hurt so badly, everyday without you. I know I can’t jump out of a plane everyday to have good days like this. I hope you can give me some ideas on how else to ease the pain. I’ll be here waiting to hear from you.

I went for a 6 mile late run tonight too. The moon was so full and beautiful. I yelled up at it that I loved you. I know you heard me. I know you hear me all the time. I love you baby doll. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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Fancy and Karma can go get FUCKED

Ronan. The holidays are over. I’m still standing. I’m may be shaking, but I’m still standing. The room is still spinning, but I’m still standing. I wonder how long until I fall. Hard. I wonder if I’ll be able to get back up. Some days I think yes. Other days, I think no. Today, I thought no. Today, I am just trying to breathe. I did a lot of things today. I went to breakfast with your daddy and brothers. We played football, basketball, and went on a bike ride. I’m exhausted from the normalcy of today. My hands have shaken for 2 days now. Your daddy asked me if I was mad at him. I told him I was not. I was mad at the world. I am. I used to believe in karma, Ronan. You know you always hear, you get back what you put out there. Fuck that. I believed in karma, until it kicked me in the face. Now I’m not sure what I believe in, besides you. Without having you to believe in, I would not be here. That is a FACT.

I spent most of the day, hiding my tears from your daddy and brothers. Your daddy asked me what we had planned for next weekend. I wanted to punch him in the face. I don’t understand how he can possibly ask me such a question. Does he not see that I can hardly get through the day, let alone think about next week? I wanted to scream at him that I was not doing anything, until he brought you home. I didn’t. It took everything I had, not to. I just don’t understand, why you can’t come home. Or why you had to leave home in the first place. I still wonder when you are coming back. I walked around most of the day screaming back at the voices inside of my head and staring at your Urn. We had friends over for dinner except I forget to cook for them. I’ll let them say it was a miscommunication but it was not. The old Maya would have never done such a thing. The old Maya would have given Martha Stewart a run for her money. Tonight, I tried to keep myself composed but I was so shaky it was all I could do not curl up into a ball and hide in the corner. I told Mandy Bee this while we sat on the floor of our laundry room and folded socks. Ahhhh, yes! Come for dinner where I totally space everything but you can sit on my floor and help me fold the piles of laundry that won’t fucking go away! What the hell? Whose world am I living in because it can’t certainly be mine! My old world, the one where you were here, where you are supposed to be, the laundry didn’t stand a chance! I always had that beast under control. Now, it is eating me alive. How are the simplest things, so challenging? Oh wait, I know. It’s because I no longer have your clothes to wash, your stains to remove, your socks to fold, your sheets to clean, your bed, to make. I still carry your socks in my purse though. The one’s that I put on your little feet before you died. The ones that kept your little frozen toes, warm. I carry your little socks with me all the time. I told you I was a good mom. I’m still an awesome mom, to you even though you are dead. TOTAL AWESOMENESS, RO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking bullshit, ro.

Mia’s mom called me tonight. I normally don’t answer the phone anymore, but I was sitting on my bed with Mandy Bee and she called. I didn’t hesitate, picking up as we don’t get to talk often. She was crying. She told me she had just read my last post. I told her I wish she wouldn’t have. I don’t remember what I wrote, but she told me she was really worried about me. I didn’t argue. I told her I was too. Because I am. I listened to her and the way her voice quivered, I listened to her as she begged for someone to help me. I listened to her, as she asked if there was anything that was going to make this easier. I told her no, I didn’t think so. I told her I think I am just expected to live with this pain for the rest of my life. I told her, I didn’t think I was strong enough. I told her that I still can’t believe that I was staring at your ashes on top of my dresser. I told her that nothing is getting easier. I told her a lot of things, I wish I didn’t have too. I wish I wouldn’t have had to listen to her as she cried about Mia, how she may never walk again, but oh wait! The cancer is gone, so they have won! Everything is ponies and rainbows and sparkles galore! Bullshit. Sandra knows this is bullshit too. I know she wouldn’t trade places with me in a heartbeat. I know she was not being insensitive to losing you, Ronan. And all they have been though, is fucking awful and it’s not even close to being over. Mia had her childhood robbed from her but she is still here fighting, even though cancer is trying so hard to take anything she has left. So, going back to the fucking karma thing? This is fucking karma? A little girl like Mia, who was perfectly healthy, deserves to have her entire body destroyed because it was trying to fight the cancer that was trying to kill her? She didn’t do anything, to deserve this! And where does that leave you? Karma for you? You deserved to die because what goes around, comes around? Fuck that. I wish people would actually think of other situations, besides THEMSELVES, when speaking. Mia does not deserve this. You did not deserve this. Charlotte did not deserve this. Haley did not deserve this. Esther did not deserve this. None of these kids, deserve this! I don’t know who the fuck is in charge but if I ever find out, it is not going to be pretty. I may not know who is in charge, but I am here to scream and cry and yell until someone fixes it. The world owes all the parents, and children out there, who are dealing with this, better outcomes and answers. They owe us, because too many kids are suffering and DYING from the NUMBER 1 DISEASE KILLER IN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do we have to do to get people to start acknowledge this?????? We have billboards, TV, Movies, Books, Magazine Ads, but NOBODY is willing to take this on? St. Jude’s is not enough to get the word out. It’s not acceptable that when people think of childhood cancer, they think of only St. Judes. It’s a start, but bigger things have to start happening or our kids don’t stand a chance. Ronan did not stand a chance and he should have. He MATTERED. He should still be here but because of the lack of awareness and funding, he is sitting in an URN on the top of my fucking dresser where I get to kiss him goodnight now. So karma, can kiss my fucking ass. This has nothing to do with karma. It has to do with bad luck and a society that would rather look the other way and watch the fucking Kardashians on T.V because that is what matters in this world? Because childhood cancer is too sad and it doesn’t happen to kids. Well FUCK YOU. You know nothing about sad asshole society. Unless you too, have had to bury your child. Unless you too, are now expected to live in a world that is UNFUCKINGLIVABLE. If you know what this is like, then do something about it. If you don’t know what it’s like, do something about it, so that if the awful time ever comes, that you do… and I pray to Ro that it doesn’t,….. you will know that you helped make a difference. Stop standing around like a bunch of ignorant fuckwads! Stop being scared! Be the change you want to see in the world. Stop being so selfish and wasting time on things that do not matter when you could be doing something like helping to save a child’s life by making people aware of how ugly childhood cancer is. How it deserves to be recognized. How people need to stop doing things just to have their fancy name on a fancy door at a fancy hospital to go to a fancy ball so they can dress up in a fancy dress. Clinical trials need funding. Research needs funding. This is the only way the results for childhood cancer are going to change. You can build all the fancy hospitals you want but if the right answers are not there, I hope you felt really good about eating in the new cafeteria while the Friday Night Candy Cart came by all while your child was really dying. I hope that free meal, was worth it. I would have rather sat my ass in a ghetto of Mexico with Ronan if I knew the treatment there, would have been the best chance he had. Not because I cared about what the hospital looked like. I’ll bet you half of the people who are donating, do not even know where their money really goes. Do they ask? Probably not. Is it going to save a kids life? I doubt it. But it makes them feel good because they get to put on the fancy dress and Louboutin shoes and have their picture in a fancy magazine so they can show all their fancy friends and feel good about themselves. Unless you are on the floor of a hospital, wearing your Louboutins, getting down and dirty, holding the babies who need to be held because their parents work 3 jobs so they can’t be there……..Fancy can get FUCKED.

I know I still have not been clear on where this money is going to go towards. As of now, it’s piling up. I am going to NYC Janury 22-30th to meet with a couple of people who I hope can steer me in the right direction. I have to cover all of my bases. I am meeting with Dr. Mosse at CHOP in Philly to look at the clinical trials she is working on. I believe in her and I know she is doing everything she can, to make a huge difference in Neuroblastoma. This money, will NOT be used so Ronan’s name can go on some fancy door. This money will be used to help with research of clinical trials that will hopefully let some children at least celebrate another birthday. I know the doctors are no where close to having a cure for this disease, but FUCK. What I wouldn’t have given, to have had Ronan around to celebrate another birthday. What I wouldn’t have given for some more time, with my baby boy. Anything I had. Everything I had. My hands, arms, legs, eyes, whatever it would have taken. I sold my soul a long time ago to somebody. He can keep that. I don’t want it back. I’m in the process, of finding a new one because the soul that once was me; is DEAD.

Ro baby. I don’t know what else to say. Except I am sorry every second of life. I do not think you are WILD and FREE up in heaven with GOD. Enough with that people. Or keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear it. I am not on this one all mighty GOD bandwagon. And if he is hanging with God, then GOD is an asshole because he should be here with ME. His FUCKING MOTHER. The only one who was ever supposed to take care of him. Can’t we just leave it at Ronan is wild and free? That gives me a tiny bit of peace. Not much but it’s better then nothing. Ronan was too much of a rebel to be hanging with this “God” dude. He is wild and free all by himself. But I’m sure he’s got a great wolf pack in tow, following right behind him. I love you, Ronie baby. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Please make me a little less sad tomorrow. I don’t know if I will make it if things continue on this way. Why can’t anyone save me? You know why, Maya. Because you never let them. You’ve always saved yourself. The cycle…continues. It’s been this way since you were 9 years old. I doubt things will ever change. The only person that can save you; is you. I know this. I just wish someone could swoop in for a bit so I could take a break. But no breaks here. This mission is too big, but not impossible. You were mine, you changed my entire life, I am here to carry this out for you, baby doll. Just like we talked about. G’nite my sweetest boy. I love you. Sweet dreams.

Throwing this in here for you all tonight. I talk about living a fearless life a lot now. Because I do. I don’t fear much of anything…. unless you count Rats, Mama Kristi…. that was for your Raine. xoxo

So read this. Think about this. Tonight, when I was needing some inspiration, I found this thanks to Dr. JoRo. I felt hopeful once again. I felt like I can do this. I can change this. I’m not afraid. I’m a rebel at heart. Ronan’s Rebel Forever baby. Breaking the rules, all the time.

by Jiddu Krishnamurti

“I WONDER IF WE HAVE EVER ASKED ourselves what education means. Why do we go to school, why do we learn various subjects, why do we pass examinations and compete with each other for better grades? What does this so-called education mean, and what is it all about? This is really a very important question, not only for the students, but also for the parents, for the teachers , and for everyone who loves this earth. Why do we go through the struggle to be educated? Is it merely in order to pass some examinations and get a job? Or is it the function of education to prepare us while we are young to understand the whole process of life? Having a job and earning one’s livelihood is necessary- but is that all? Are we being educated only for that? Surely, life is not merely a job, an occupation, life is something extraordinarily wise and profound, it is a great mystery, a vast realm in which we function as human beings. If we merely prepare ourselves to earn a livelihood, we shall miss the whole point of life; and to understand life is much more important than merely to prepare for examinations and become very proficient in mathematics, physics, or what you will.

So, whether we are teachers or students, is it not important to ask ourselves why we are educating or being educated? And what does life mean? Is not life an extraordinary thing? The birds, the flowers, the flourishing trees, the heavens, the stars, the rivers and the fish therein- all this is life. Life is the poor and the rich; life is meditation; life is what we call religion, and it is also the subtle, hidden things of the mind- the envies, the ambitions, the passions, the fears, fulfillments and anxieties. All this and much more is life. But we generally prepare ourselves to understand only one s mall corner of it. We pass certain examinations, find a job, get married, have children, and then become more and more like machines. We remain fearful, anxious, frightened of life. So, is it the function of education to help us understand the whole process of life, or is it merely to prepare us for a vocation, for the best job we can get?

What is going to happen to all of us when we grow to be men and women? Have you ever asked yourselves what you are going to do when you grow up? In all likelihood you will get married, and before you know where you are you will be mothers and fathers; and you will then be tied to a job, or to the kitchen, in which you will gradually wither away. Is that all that your life is going to be? Have you ever asked yourselves this question? Should you not ask it? If your family is wealthy you may have a fairly good position already assured, your father may give you a comfortable job, or you may get richly married; but there are also you will decay, deteriorate. Do you see?

Surely, education has no meaning unless it helps you to understand the vast expanse of life with all its subtleties, with its extraordinary beauty, its sorrows and joys. You may earn degrees, you may have a series of letters after your name and land a very good job; but then what? What is the point of it all if in the process your mind becomes dull, weary, stupid? So, while you are young, must you not seek to find out what life is all about? And is it not the true function of education to cultivate in you the intelligence which will try to find the answer to all these problems? Do you know what intelligence is? It is the capacity, surely, to think freely, without fear, without a formula, so that you begin to discover for yourself what is real, what is true; but if you are frightened you will never be intelligent. Any for of ambition, spiritual or mundane, breeds anxiety, fear,; therefor ambition does not help to bring about a mind that is clear, simple, direct, and hence intelligent.

You know, it is really very important while you are young to live in an environment in which there is no fear. Most of us, as we grow older, become frightened; we are afraid of living, afraid of losing a job, afraid of tradition, afraid of what the neighbors, or what the wife or husband would say, afraid of death. Most of us have fear in one form or another; and where there is fear there is no intelligence. And is it not possible for all of us, while we are young, to be in an environment where there is no fear, but rather an atmosphere of freedom- freedom, not just to do what we like, but to understand the whole process of living? Life is really very beautiful, it is not this ugly thing that we have made of it; and you can appreciate its richness, its depth, its extraordinary loveliness only when you revolt against everything- against organized religion, against tradition, against the present rotten society, so that you as a human being find out for yourself what is true. Not to imitate but to discover- that is education, is it not? It is very easy to conform to what your society or your parents and teachers tell you. That is a safe and easy way of existing; but that is not living, because in it there is fear, decay, death. To live is to find out for yourself what is true, and you can do this only when there is freedom, when there is continuous revolution inwardly, within yourself.

But you are not encouraged to do this; no one tells you to question, to find out for yourself…, because if you were to rebel you would become a danger to all that is false. Your parents and society want you to life safely, and you also want to life safely. Living safely generally means living in the imitation and therefore in fear. Surely, the function of education is to help each one of us to live freely without fear, is it not? And to create an atmosphere in which there is no fear requires a great deal of thinking on your part as well as on the part of the teacher, the educator.

Do you know what this means – what an extraordinary thing it would be to create an atmosphere in which there is no fear? And we must create it, because we see that the world is caught up in endless wars; it is guided by politicians who are always seeking power; it is a world of lawyers, policemen and soldiers, of ambitious men and women all wanting position and all fighting each other to get it. Then there are the so-called saints, the religious gurus with their followers; they also want power, position, here or in the next life. It is a mad world, completely confused, in which the communist is fighting the capitalist, the socialist is resisting both, and everybody is against somebody, struggling to arrive as a safe place, a position of power of comfort. The world is torn by conflicting beliefs, by caste and class distinctions, by separative nationalities, by every form of stupidity and cruelty- and this is the world you are being educated to fit into. You are encouraged to fit into the framework of this disastrous society… and you also want to fit in.

Now, is it the function of education merely to help you to conform to the pattern of this rotten social order, or is it to give you freedom- complete freedom to grow and create a different society, a new world? We want to have this freedom, not in the future, but now, otherwise we may all be destroyed. We must create immediately an atmosphere of freedom so that you can live and find out for yourselves what is true, so that you become intelligent, so that you are able to face the world and understand it, not just conform to it, so that inwardly, deeply, psychologically you are in constant revolt; because it is only those who are in constant revolt that discover what is true, not the man who conforms, who follows some tradition

Self control vs Self destruction. And Happy Fucking New Year.

Ronan. Happy Fucking New Year. No. There will never be anything “Happy,” about it again. This is how I know I will never be normal again. This is how I know, I will continue to live in Zombieland. Because everything stings so much that I can’t be among the living. Everyone is so busy being happy. It’s as if they have all forgotten about you. But what do I expect? For everybody to take this year off, from celebrating their beautiful lives? For the ball not to drop in New York City? Exactly. I told you life goes on for others.

We are back home and I’ll admit it, I’m acting like a brat. We got home on the night of our 10 year anniversary and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it at all. The happiness that I am supposed to feel. I am thankful….. For as much as I can be. But feeling happy just does not exist. Your daddy didn’t ask much, but the little he asked, I couldn’t do. All he wanted was some acknowledgment that our 10 years was a big deal. I gave him my snarky commentary about why the fuck does everyone make such a big deal about 10 years, when every year should be just as sacred and valued. I begged him to please just skip over the 10 years and next year we could do something nice. I don’t want to celebrate anything when everything feels so wrong. He told me he had a gift for me which made me lose it even more as I specifically told him there was nothing I wanted. He said he knew, but it was something he wanted me to have anyway. I pretty purple amethyst ring. I told him to take it back. He told me he wanted me to know how much he loved me. I begged and pleaded with him to take it away and told him I didn’t need things to know how much he loved me. That I already knew and would always know. He insisted that you would love for me to have it and that you would have told me how “cute,” I looked wearing it. I just laid in bed and sobbed while I kept one eye on your Urn. I made him take the ring away and told him I wasn’t worthy of pretty things because I let you die. I fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears. I had spent the day being so proud of myself for the stupidest things that I used to be able to do, in my sleep. I got your brothers from Portland to Phoenix, safe and sound, all by myself. I checked in our luggage. We had dinner at the airport. We made it through security, to our flight, and home. This is a big thing to accomplish, when you have a dead child. Traveling with 2, not 3 little guys was such a mental head game, that I really don’t know how I did it. But I did and I of course, did a fucking good job. Gold star for me. After we landed in Phoenix, I listened to myself, telling myself in my head, what a good job I had done. Then I went to, are you FUCKING kidding me? This is something that you now get to be proud of? Something you used to be able to do in your sleep? What kind of fuckery is this? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the most fucking fucked kind of fuckery that exists. It is my life now.

I ran around all day Friday, catching up on things and being pissed off that I was wearing a strapless dress because it was hot enough in January, to do so. Bloody hell. Where was my rainy gloomy weather that is so able to explain how I feel, without me having to say a word? Where were my rain boots and dirty, muddy puddles of tears? The tears that I was able to take a break from crying because the weather was able to cry for me just for a bit so I let it. They were back in Washington, that’s where. So, I spent all Friday, running about being blinded by the fake plastic trees of this world that I feel like kicking the shit out of. Where I have to put on my fake, sunny smile because that’s what the weather wants me to do but Ro, I don’t want to do it. I want to go and live in my underground world with all the other bereaved parents of the world where happiness and sunshine no longer exist. I don’t want to have to listen to the others in the world as they complain about their bad days which include things like getting a flat tire or their nanny being sick. When I hear these things it is all I can do to not cover my ears and drop down into the fetal position. Maybe I should just start doing that. I wonder how different this world would be if we all acted the way we felt really felt instead of hiding everything behind our lipgloss and dark sunglasses. I’ll bet it would be a complete mess but at least it would be a TRUE complete mess and not so fake and insincere. I was also having some major mom guilt on Friday so one of my errands included going to the grocery store. You know how much I hate this now, Ro. I freeze up, freak out, and panic. I made myself do it because the thought of your brothers living off of processed food any longer is destroying me. I don’t cook anymore, unless you count cereal, frozen pizza, fruit or veggies. Your daddy has taken over the majority of the cooking. It is something that I used to live for back in the days when you were here and you were my favorite little helper. The two of us, cooking together, was my heaven. I wanted to make your daddy feel good by coming home to a home cooked meal, like he used to. The one he deserves to come home to, every night. I made it half way through my shopping, panicked over some mom who was pushing her little boy in the cart and almost abandoned all of my groceries to bolt for my car. I took a deep breath and stopped myself from doing so. I had to talk myself through every next step in order to get to finish up the shopping and get to the checkout line. I couldn’t get out of there, fast enough. I came home and whipped up dinner, without a recipe or anything. Just from memory only. The one that does not really exist anymore. I made your daddy and brothers, homemade Shepard’s Pie. Your daddy said it was the best one I had ever made and wanted to know what I had done differently. I wanted to tell him how the only thing I did differently was cry the entire time I was making it because I couldn’t stop thinking about how you wouldn’t be there, to eat it with us. Sitting down, at our dinner table with your seat, empty is also something that just kills me. So, I may have made dinner, but I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough for the plans I had made a few days in advance.

I spent Friday night with some girls which I never take the time to do anymore either. We didn’t go out, but rather stayed in, instead. I picked up Mandy Bee and we headed out to Kristi’s house for a special night which of course was inspired by you. The best nights, always are. I know you were there, I know you saw and that’s all I’m saying about our night, for now. It was a true rock and roll night, in the most innocent way possible. It was a night that for as painful as it was, I actually felt myself having fun. Thank you, K…. for such a wonderful night. I don’t get those very often anymore. It was nice to let everything slide away for a bit and get lost in a world of beauty parlors, some good reality T.V. laughs, and a little blood, too;) And Mizpah, Mandy Bee. Thank you. I love you my crazy stalker bestie. Thank you for not being afraid of the dark with me. No matter how scary it gets. And for breaking down my door when I won’t pick up the phone, the lights are off, the doors are barricaded shut but you somehow manage to break them down anyway. I know you didn’t know him, but how I wish you would have. Thank you for loving him like you did.

I don’t know what happened today except for we all slept in and that seemed to throw everything off. I woke up, did the big breakfast thing with your daddy and brothers, threw up, showered, and ran out to get your daddy’s car washed just to get out of the fucking house full of loud T.V. and noise. I ran to Smart and Final to stock up your brothers drinks for their school lunches. I had a panic attack in the parking lot and had the urge to do something really self-destructive. Anything. I seriously contemplated driving to the nearest bar to get shit faced drunk. And I don’t even drink, Ronan. But I wanted something, anything, to make this pain go away even if just for a short amount of time. I wanted a break or to feel something differently, than this. Anything. I sat, cried, almost did…..but did not. Self destruct or self control? Today, self-control won. I am scared for the day that it will not. I came home exhausted from the hour I spent crying, fell into bed and drifted in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. I hid in our bed, until the bright sun disappeared and I had enough of dreaming the dreams where all I can seem to do, is cry and scream in them. I feel like I live in between two worlds. One of real reality and one of fake reality. They both suck and I can’t win either way. The dreams I dream of always involve watching myself cry due to this nightmare. Happiness does not exist, anywhere without you, Ronan. At least not for me…. not even in my dreams.

Alright baby boy. This is enough for tonight. I wish I had something happier to say… an ounce of hope to give you…. a glimmer of the happiness that I hope to one day be able to feel again. But this is me, today. This is the best I can do. I guess just be proud that I am here and I didn’t drive off the cliff that I made up in my head today. I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Dear Lovely Little Blog Readers,

Thank you. For sticking with me. For hugging your kids tighter. For appreciating everything in your life, so much more than you did before you knew Ronan and our story. Thank you for helping me keep him alive by thinking about him, loving him, and letting him make you all better people. It keeps me going even during my darkest hours. I wish you all only health and happiness in 2012. Because we all know if health exists, then happiness does too. I love you. Ronan loves you. Please be safe! No drinking and driving!

xoxo

I don’t have a choice. I have to go.

Ronan. You’re dead? You’re dead. I’m here. Still here. Because of the someone who is behind all of this. The person who behind all of this, who is not being merciful to me. So here I stay. Blurry, blurry days. A trip we must take. No. No. NO. But yes. Me, the everything must be perfect before we go on a trip. The suitcases packed perfectly to a tee. Never to forget a thing. Everything thought out and so perfectly planned. I lived for packing you and your brothers up for our upcoming travels. So perfect. Even our house. The house. All beds made. Laundry done. Dishes put away. In case we get robbed while we are away. I wouldn’t want the robbers to come into a messy house. This is how my mind used to work. The anal mind that used to control part of my life. Now your daddy, just stares at me from the bedroom. “You need to pack. And the boys’ don’t have winter coats.” But I don’t want to go and I don’t care about the winter coats, I think to myself. “I’m not packing. I’m not packing the boys either.” Your daddy, the best daddy in the world, steps up to the plate. “I’ll pack the boys,” he says. “And I’ll take them out to buy coats.” I just look at him. “I’m sick to my stomach. I think I have the flu. I think I need to go to the hospital.” Your daddy kisses my head and leaves. I lay in bed. My jewish sister from another mother appears. She comes bursting through our front door with her arms full of homemade brisket, potatoe latkes, gifts for the boys, and silver sparkly disco sunglasses on. She yells at me from the front room. I peek out from my bed. “I’m here to take care of you, feed you and to dance for you.” I smile my fake smile. “Cut the BULLSHIT smile!!” she says. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say because nothing that I say, will make this better. But I can dance for you.” She dances and jumps on my bed. She makes me put on the sparkly disco sunglasses. “I haven’t packed. I have laundry to do. I can’t do any of it.” “Well!!!!!!! That’s what I’m here for. I’ll pack you.” I say o.k. I eat some food. I watch as she grabs things to pack. “A couple pairs of jeans, your F U Cancer sweatshirt, your spirit hood, some workout clothes, some boots, underwear, pajamas, running shoes, some tee-shirts…… what else, mama?” “Nothing else,” I say. Nothing else. We sit in our living room. We watch some gun show on T.V. without the volume because I can’t figure out how to turn the sound on. That’s how much I watch T.V. now. Mandy Bee rubs my back. I let her while I listen to the 15 voice mails I have on my phone. All of which I have been ignoring. We light the menorah that sits in our window. We put your picture by it. Mandy Bee says her jewish prayer. I like it. I like the way your little face lights up in the picture from the flickering of the candles. Mandy Bee leaves. But then she comes back. “I’m not leaving you.” I crawl back into bed. She leaves. I throw up. Your daddy and brothers return. Quinn and I crawl up in Liam’s top bunk bed. We fall asleep. Ambien induced for me.

Morning comes. I ignore everything that there is to do, around the house. I shower. I throw up. I feed your brothers. Max and Ruby, comes on T.V. Fucking Fuck. Your favorite show. I throw up, again. I get your brothers in the shower. They are going to play at Cal’s house. We stop at the car wash before I drop them off. I hold their hands. I laugh and smile with them. I miss you. I drop them off. Little Heather, texts me. “Meet me at PVCC for a quick bite.” I do. I eat a grilled cheese and see all your little friends at day camp. I cry. I listen to little Heather, talk about so many things. I get lost in her world for a bit. She is good at letting me do that, without letting you get lost because she knows, it is always about you, even when LIFE is not. As LIFE, goes on for others. She embraces the you in everything that goes on and she didn’t even know you. I appreciate this. I leave little Heather but not before, Sam, her little boy, comes flying into my arms for a hug and a kiss on the lips. I smile at him and the way he reminds me of you. I drive to Dr. Jo’s but I stop at Starbucks before. I run to the bathroom and throw up everything. I brush my teeth, wipe my face and wait in line. I see a bucket full of the cutest little stuffed animals. I thought to myself, Ronan would love this. I panic. OMG. I didn’t buy Ro a gift for Christmas. I grab the stuffed animal. I start to cry. I wipe the tears and buy the little guy. I stuff him in my purse. I get to Jo’s office. I wait in the waiting room, but I really just set my coffee down and bury my head into my arms and cry. I don’t know how long I waited before she came out. 15 minutes maybe. She finds me and I make my way back to her office, only to fall on the floor and not the couch. We sit there, and I look at her. “Ronan’s dead?? Ronan died, right?? He’s dead?” She holds me and nods her head. “O.k.” I say. “Ronan is dead.” We sit. I cry. I look around her office. I see your picture. She asks if I remember her telling me that it was about 6 months after Chey passed away, that were the hardest for her. That the 6-12 months after, seem to actually be harder. I told her I didn’t remember. But I feel this way, now. I tell her I think I need to go to the hospital. I tell her how I can’t breathe. She is quiet and does not entertain my thoughts of a hospital. She doesn’t want that for me. She knows I am stronger than that; I think. We talk about what’s been going on. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Sucksgiving. Christmas. A birthday soon. The list goes on and on and on. I pulled out the stuffed animal and show her what I bought for you. She asked me what you would have named him. I tell her something silly, like Gary. We name him Gary. I look at her and say to her, “I don’t have a choice, right? I have to get on that airplane tonight and go?” She replies with, “Do you have a choice?” I tell her, No. I have to do this for Liam and Quinn. She says it is a sacrifice of love for them. I agree. I don’t want to go home. Back to the place that was our peace. Our solitude. Our paradise, without you. I have not been back, since right before you were diagnosed. It was the last place I spent with you, when you were “healthy,” but really had Stage IV cancer. I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice. I have to go back, someday. Your brothers are so excited. I tell her I’ll fake it, for them. I have to continue to fake this, for now as to not ruin their Christmas. We say our goodbyes. I ask her if her kids are coming up to Sedona. She replies with they are. “Well, all of them except the dead one.” I burst out laughing. That dark sense of humor that I so get. She tells me that Chey gets the top of the Christmas tree, every year. She tells me, that she is not a fan of these holidays either. I know why. I tell her I’m off to the airport to watch happy families everywhere, going to happy places. I’m going to ignore these families this year and pretend everyone has a dead child too. I used to be that happy family, chasing you through the airport with not a care in the world. Fucking asshole cancer. I leave her office, feeling better than when I had arrived.

I go home to a quiet house. I go into crazed mode, packing, cleaning, laundry, beds stripped, dishwasher unloaded. Robot mode. Survival mode. Instinct. Memory. This is what you do, so suck it up and do it. We get to the airport. 4 not 5. Where are you? Bags checked. “Woody, can you watch my things? I have to go to the bathroom.” I go. I throw up. I am so fucking nauseous.

I gotta go baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo