Vegas on crack


Ronan. Is the picture above, sad? Because I wept just seeing it. It tells the story of everything that is wrong in this life, because you are gone. It tells the story of everything that should be, but is not. At least to me it does. Is everything sad? Because I can’t seem to stop crying. Is this because I spent much of my time in New York, not crying? I went days there, without crying. Now back here, I cannot seem to stop. I took my Ambien to go to sleep last night. Fucking Fuck. I just wanted to 6 solid hours of sleep without tossing and turning. Is that too much to ask? I woke up today, feeling rested. I thought it was going to be an o.k. day. I was wrong. I spent the morning being productive, trying to get some thank you cards addressed. It seems like I am drowning in them. I have to get them sent out. I hope there are not people out there, who think I am not thankful for all they have done, big and small. Nothing goes unnoticed. As I was addressing the envelopes, I thought to myself…. I really don’t recognize any of these names. Who are all of these selfless people, who love you so much that they wanted to help us in our darkest hours? Strangers? Long lost friends? Acquaintances? Is does not matter because they are all united by you so that makes me love them all, even if I may not know their faces. I feel like I know their hearts and they are beautiful.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the day except I didn’t leave the house. I could easily become a hermit and I have decided I have developed Agoraphobia. Well, at least that is the way I felt today. I felt afraid of the world but hey…. that’s not right because I’m not supposed to be scared of anything. Today, I felt scared. Today, it seemed too bright outside to venture anywhere at all. So I didn’t. Do you know what the outside world looks like to me on most days? Las Vegas, on crack. Everything is so bright, that it hurts. Everything looks so fake and plastic. Everything feels like an illusion and a dream. Maybe I should move to Alaska where the sun doesn’t shine so much. I have a feeling my zombie self would do just fine there. I didn’t pick up the phone either, even though it kept ringing and my text messages, kept dinging. I was in the zone of cleaning out my jewelry drawer and I knew what I was going to find even though I wasn’t looking for it. The ziploc baggie that contains your hair. Your beautiful hair that I had saved when we shaved your head. I opened the baggie, felt your soft hair, and wept. In the middle of my crying, my doorbell rang. I threw on my big, chucky sweater and went to answer it. It was Mandy Bee and she was tired of me ignoring the phone and her. And she was worried. I let her in and let her hold me while I sobbed in her arms. I had the ziploc baggie of your hair in my hands. We sat on the couch and she tried to get me to leave with her. I told her I couldn’t go anywhere except for I had to meet your daddy at Dr. Rachels. I told her I needed to try to make myself look less like a zombie for that. She stayed with me as I somehow managed to throw on some mascara and take my hair out of it’s wet mop on top of my head. I totally had good intentions of leaving the house today, early on. I showered in the morning but I just couldn’t seem to manage much more than that.

Mandy Bee picked up your brothers at school for me. She brought them back to our house for a little playdate with her boys. She also insisted that she was taking me to dinner tonight. I told her no. I tried every excuse I could use, to get out of it. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. Your daddy took your brothers to play basketball. I headed out into the dark for a run. Mandy called me halfway through my run to tell me she was on her way to pick me up. That girl is so persistent. I finished my run just in time to hop in the shower before Mandy came to kidnap me. I answered the door and told Mandy I could not go anywhere that sweats/no makeup/ glasses on/wet hair up in a bun/chunky sweater/red eyes were not allowed. I also told her I could not eat because I had been throwing up all day. She totally pretended like she was agreeing to everything I was saying, but we ended up at True Foods anyway were I proceeded to eat a little something for her. I ate. I sat. We talked. I was glad I went out with her for the hour that I did. I needed the little shove that she gave me. I hope tomorrow is better. There has been a lot of screaming voices in my head again and they have not been saying very nice things. They are making me tired, restless, and exhausted. It’s obvious the grief grim reaper/inferno fuckwad Bob is back with a vengeance. I’ve been trying to let myself just be true to what I have felt the past couple of days. I have tried to be respectful of the way I am feeling by not forcing anything else. I am learning that grief comes in waves. It will never be a steady uphill process. I know I can get knocked back down, at anytime and it often feels like I am starting all over at square one. There is no rhyme or reason to this…. it’s just the way this grief thing works; for me at least. Everyone is different. All I can do it be patient and surrender to the way I am feeling, at this moment in time. One foot in front of the other as they say. Or two-steps backwards to go off the beaten path to an unknown destination. Nothing is guaranteed in life; especially not now. All I can do is keep trying to survive, one day at a time.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams little man. I love you to the moon and back.


23 responses to “Vegas on crack”

  1. Maya – big hugs. That’s all I can say. We are all here to listen whenever you need it! ❤

  2. We love you and are here for you. No judgment, just love. <3<3<3

  3. I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a big hug. Epic love to you today ❤

  4. Thinking of you RoMama and always Rockstar Ro!!!

    Peace, strength and hugs!!

  5. So sorry it’s been an especially rough couple of days…praying that tomorrow will be better and that some of that NYC energy you’re missing will surround you! Your always on my mind and heart ❤

  6. One day at a time…sometimes it feels like you have to concentrate on one breath at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, doesn’t it? Hugs to you…

  7. Love you RoMama. The picture made me sad, the hair made me sadder and today all I wish for you is a fuck load of clouds in our Arizona sky. Hope today is better.

  8. Maya, I’ve been reading or some time and some days your blog is so raw and real it takes my breath away. I often think I shouldn’t read it bc it affects me so deeply and alters my mood. But what good would that do. If you can continue living this cruel life then the least I can do is read about your beautiful boy, donate and brainstorm ways to raise awareness. You deserve that. Ro deserves that. All parents who have lost their babies to this horrific disease deserve that.
    Two years ago I had a late miscarriage and it devastated me. I couldnt mov, eat or do any of my daily thingsbwith my other two kids. What scares me the most is to think of how minor my loss was compared to yours. I don’t know if I’d have the strength to continue on. I felt so ruined after my loss. I am so proud of the way you are dealing with your grief. BTW, i totally get the Ambirn thing. I had to use it as well and hated it but it was a necessary evil. Keep pluggin’ along Strong Mama. You’re going to do great things. I can feel it.

  9. Hi Maya,
    I read this article about a new documentary about the pink ribbon campaign and I thought you might be interested in it. It really drives home the point you have been making for months about the corporate machine of the big cancer foundations and how a huge portion of the money goes to the wrongs spots ie. not helping those affected by cancer.

    I hope people start asking the right questions about where their donations go. Whenever I donate the little I can I want it to go to either directly help people (support their families so they can stay close during treatment etc.) or to research. That is all that matters. Help the people directly effected now and find a real cure.

  10. Lots and lots of love and big bear hugs for you today……


  11. Maya, allow yourself to cry because we are crying with you. None of us can imagine what each morning is like for you – we can only be here to help you beat the shit out of this disease because we all love Ronan! I feel lucky to be on your team in this fight simply because our whole family has fallen in love with your unending love and passion for this little boy. We are all here with you – even though we are far away…

  12. thinking of you and sending love!

  13. Oh Maya, hugs to you today! I love the picture’s at the beginning, they did make me sad, too because I thought of Ronan and you and I love the quote you put at the end!! I’m so glad you have Mandy for a friend, she’s a blessing for you. Praying for you today, much love as always, hoping for better days for you, xoxo

  14. Hugs to you Maya…<3

  15. Maya,
    I can usually tell what kind of day I’m going to have by the first song that plays when I put my ipod on shuffle. The first song I heard today made me think of you and RO. The song is by Jack’s Mannaquin and it’s called swim. I pray for better days for you, for a glimpse of the sun through the clouds.

    You’ve gotta swim, swim for your life
    Swim for the music that saves you
    When you’re not so sure you’ll survive

    You gotta swim and swim when it hurts
    The whole world is watching
    You haven’t come this far to fall off the earth

    The currents will pull you away from your love
    Just keep your head above

    I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
    Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun
    Crack in the armor, yeah

    I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun
    Choking on salt water
    I’m not giving in, I swim

    You gotta swim for nights that won’t end
    Swim for your family as your lovers, your sisters
    And brothers, and friends

    Yeah, you gotta swim through wars without cause
    Swim for the lost politicians
    Who don’t see their greed as a flaw

    The currents will pull us away from our love
    Just keep your head above

    I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
    Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun
    A crack in the armor, yeah

    I swim for brighter days despite of the absence of sun
    Choking on salt water
    I’m not giving in, well, I’m not giving in, I swim

    You gotta swim, swim in the dark
    There’s no shame in drifting
    Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark

    Yeah, you gotta swim, don’t let yourself sink
    Just find the horizon
    I promise you, it’s not as far as you think

    The currents will drag us away from our love
    Just keep your head above
    Just keep your head above, swim
    Just keep your head above, swim, swim
    Just keep your head above, swim

  16. I think the pictures are awesome. To me it shows a parent enjoying time with the child. No matter what your situation you can always find love and joy……..your child, your husband, your friends, you are alive and are able to carry on the fight for whatever your cause. Setting a good example for your other kid(s). It is what it is and we owe it to those we love to live and love and give them the best of who we are.
    Someone once told me “We know not what we want, but we are responsible for who we are” Jean Paul Sartre

  17. Maya – I think all of us (your loyal blog readers) are shedding tears for you tonight. The picture you posted is bittersweet. I hope you are ok. I’m glad you have such a great support system. I hope you know that if any of us had been granted one wish that we would all wish that your Ronan return to you!

    Lot of love and hugs!
    Katie R in Dallas

  18. Ditto to everything Marcia said.

    We are here for the good days when you looking to the sky with hope…. and we are here for the days when you are in the darkest of dark… and everything inbetween. Sending you love.

    I love that cs lewis quote, wow, love.

  19. Aww Maya Inca Badass Mofo! My heart breaks for you…constantly. I am so thankful that Mandy Bee is such a persistent friend of yours. The world needs more Mandy Bee’s in it! She truly is special.

    Thinking of you and your beautiful boys always! A true Ro-mance for sure!


  20. Sorry – I did not mean to post the video in the comment – just the link.

  21. thank you for your honesty and I am sorry for your loss and pain

  22. Honestly, I think if you stopped having days like this right now, I’d be more concerned. These are going to happen, probably for the rest of your life. They’ll just hopefully get further apart, but in time. Not right now.

    Loves to you a million times tonight.

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