Vegas on crack

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Ronan. Is the picture above, sad? Because I wept just seeing it. It tells the story of everything that is wrong in this life, because you are gone. It tells the story of everything that should be, but is not. At least to me it does. Is everything sad? Because I can’t seem to stop crying. Is this because I spent much of my time in New York, not crying? I went days there, without crying. Now back here, I cannot seem to stop. I took my Ambien to go to sleep last night. Fucking Fuck. I just wanted to 6 solid hours of sleep without tossing and turning. Is that too much to ask? I woke up today, feeling rested. I thought it was going to be an o.k. day. I was wrong. I spent the morning being productive, trying to get some thank you cards addressed. It seems like I am drowning in them. I have to get them sent out. I hope there are not people out there, who think I am not thankful for all they have done, big and small. Nothing goes unnoticed. As I was addressing the envelopes, I thought to myself…. I really don’t recognize any of these names. Who are all of these selfless people, who love you so much that they wanted to help us in our darkest hours? Strangers? Long lost friends? Acquaintances? Is does not matter because they are all united by you so that makes me love them all, even if I may not know their faces. I feel like I know their hearts and they are beautiful.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the day except I didn’t leave the house. I could easily become a hermit and I have decided I have developed Agoraphobia. Well, at least that is the way I felt today. I felt afraid of the world but hey…. that’s not right because I’m not supposed to be scared of anything. Today, I felt scared. Today, it seemed too bright outside to venture anywhere at all. So I didn’t. Do you know what the outside world looks like to me on most days? Las Vegas, on crack. Everything is so bright, that it hurts. Everything looks so fake and plastic. Everything feels like an illusion and a dream. Maybe I should move to Alaska where the sun doesn’t shine so much. I have a feeling my zombie self would do just fine there. I didn’t pick up the phone either, even though it kept ringing and my text messages, kept dinging. I was in the zone of cleaning out my jewelry drawer and I knew what I was going to find even though I wasn’t looking for it. The ziploc baggie that contains your hair. Your beautiful hair that I had saved when we shaved your head. I opened the baggie, felt your soft hair, and wept. In the middle of my crying, my doorbell rang. I threw on my big, chucky sweater and went to answer it. It was Mandy Bee and she was tired of me ignoring the phone and her. And she was worried. I let her in and let her hold me while I sobbed in her arms. I had the ziploc baggie of your hair in my hands. We sat on the couch and she tried to get me to leave with her. I told her I couldn’t go anywhere except for I had to meet your daddy at Dr. Rachels. I told her I needed to try to make myself look less like a zombie for that. She stayed with me as I somehow managed to throw on some mascara and take my hair out of it’s wet mop on top of my head. I totally had good intentions of leaving the house today, early on. I showered in the morning but I just couldn’t seem to manage much more than that.

Mandy Bee picked up your brothers at school for me. She brought them back to our house for a little playdate with her boys. She also insisted that she was taking me to dinner tonight. I told her no. I tried every excuse I could use, to get out of it. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. Your daddy took your brothers to play basketball. I headed out into the dark for a run. Mandy called me halfway through my run to tell me she was on her way to pick me up. That girl is so persistent. I finished my run just in time to hop in the shower before Mandy came to kidnap me. I answered the door and told Mandy I could not go anywhere that sweats/no makeup/ glasses on/wet hair up in a bun/chunky sweater/red eyes were not allowed. I also told her I could not eat because I had been throwing up all day. She totally pretended like she was agreeing to everything I was saying, but we ended up at True Foods anyway were I proceeded to eat a little something for her. I ate. I sat. We talked. I was glad I went out with her for the hour that I did. I needed the little shove that she gave me. I hope tomorrow is better. There has been a lot of screaming voices in my head again and they have not been saying very nice things. They are making me tired, restless, and exhausted. It’s obvious the grief grim reaper/inferno fuckwad Bob is back with a vengeance. I’ve been trying to let myself just be true to what I have felt the past couple of days. I have tried to be respectful of the way I am feeling by not forcing anything else. I am learning that grief comes in waves. It will never be a steady uphill process. I know I can get knocked back down, at anytime and it often feels like I am starting all over at square one. There is no rhyme or reason to this…. it’s just the way this grief thing works; for me at least. Everyone is different. All I can do it be patient and surrender to the way I am feeling, at this moment in time. One foot in front of the other as they say. Or two-steps backwards to go off the beaten path to an unknown destination. Nothing is guaranteed in life; especially not now. All I can do is keep trying to survive, one day at a time.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams little man. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

The hands that refuse to let go

 

 

After a Friday evening meltdown, a sea of tears from both my husband and myself, we somehow managed to pull it together and put on our happy faces for the weekend. Time to pick ourselves back up off the bathroom floor and together; we did. We spent Saturday doing things around the house with boys. Lot of quality time just enjoying being together. Later in the evening Woody ran the boys’ over to his parents house for a sleepover. The twins stayed the night, but Ronan just wanted to come home so of course, he let him. Woody and I had planned on having a date night, but it didn’t quite work out that way. I had plans for an early dinner to celebrate one of my best friends, Marisa’s birthday, but was planning on spending some time with Woody after. I met Trish, Marisa, and Danielle, at True Foods for a dinner out. I tried my best not to be a Debbie Downer, but there is not pretending around those 3. There is no need to pretend either which is why I love them so much. I sat outside alone before the girls arrived waiting for our table. All I could think to myself, was, look at all these shiny happy people…. everywhere. I wanted so badly to be one of them but could barely muster up the energy to come out of the zombie state I was in. Once Marisa arrived, we sat at the bar and both had an amazing Margarita together and caught up on some things. It felt so good to be with my little M. I miss her so much. Trish and Danielle arrived soon after and we sat down for dinner. It ended up being such a wonderful evening. We talked about everything. Somehow, those girls managed to take my sadness and wash it away for a couple of hours. I was so happy to be with them and celebrate another birthday with Marisa. We talked about how we will all be together when we are 60 doing the same thing and how life will have all worked out beautifully. I can’t wait to look back on everything we are going through and have survived it. All with the help of my beautiful friends. Luckiest girl ever.

When I returned home, Ronan was still awake but he was tired and ready for bed. I kissed Woody goodnight and crawled into be with my little bug. Although I was beyond exhausted, I tossed and turned the entire night. It was an awful nights sleep once again. Ronan woke up bright and early, so I got up with him and we let Woody sleep in. Our Sunday was spent spring cleaning. Or, in our case I’ll call it, “You’re moving to New York in 5 days so you’d better get your shit together.” Woody cleaned and organized the garage, I tackled the boys’ closets, drawers, toys, my closet, and everything else that needed to be done around here. I cannot go to New York without a clear head and having everything organized to a tee is the a good start to that. Ronan happily played around the house all day and waited for Liam and Quinn to come home. Woody and I were able to get a ton done which feels really nice even though my anxiety is though the roof. I went for  a fast 4 mile run this evening to try to burn off some of my nervous energy. Oh, and Trish, if you are reading this, totally forget to text you that I made it home safely and did not get eaten by a coyote on my dark run:) My run felt nice but didn’t do much for my nervous energy. I came home to a house of happy boys’ playing sweetly. I finished up all of the laundry and the rest of the little things that were left to do. Ronan is now curled up beside me and sound asleep. Woody and Quinny are playing video games and Liam is asleep in his bed. All is peaceful here. I love nights like this.

Liam and Quinn have Spring Break this week. Normally we would be going somewhere totally fun for vacation. Not this year. Makes me so very sad. We will spend the week at home and I will do my best to entertain and soak up my time with them as much as possible. Ronan has his clinic visit tomorrow and it will be his last one before we leave for New York. He told me tonight he is sad to leave everyone to go to New York and wants to know why Liam and Quinn can’t come. I hate that we have to leave them behind. I don’t know how I am going to do this when Thursday rolls around. It is going to be beyond hard to say goodbye to them for such a long period of time. We will have to set up our nightly Skype chats. Everybody seems to enjoy that.

So much to do this week. I am trying my best to be excited for New York because I know once we get there it is going to be great, just like our last long stay there in December. I didn’t even want to come back here at that time. It’s hard; my heart is torn because it feels like it belongs in both places. UGH. Don’t even get me started on leaving Tricia. That is going to be beyond brutal. I’m still trying to convince her to move to New York with me…. best idea ever:)

Goodnight dear friends. Hope you all had a beautiful weekend.

xoxo