You is kind. You is smart. You is important.


Ro baby. I played musical beds last night as I fought off the Ambien sleep. I won. I fell asleep for about 10 minutes in our bed and then woke up, in a panic because I cannot remember the last time I have seen the stuffed animal, Gary, that I bought for you over Christmas. I said to your daddy, “Where is Gary?!” He was too deep in a sleep to wake up to help me so I just let him be. I didn’t find Gary and it’s driving me nuts. I keep pretending you hid him somewhere. Such a silly thing to be upset about but it is important to me. I ended up crawling into Liam’s top bunk bed, where both of your brothers were curled up together. I tried to lay there with them for a while and I was hoping to fall asleep. I didn’t. It was too crowded so I got up and went into your room. I grabbed the big, warm, cozy blanket that you died on (I cannot believe I even have to say those words) and draped it around my body and crawled into your extra cold bed with your Master Yoda’s and sock monkey friends. They kept me warm and I finally fell asleep around 3 a.m. I woke up today, sad like I do everyday but I forced myself to leave the house as I knew staying at home again, for the 3rd day in a row was not going to be good for me. I went to my Starbucks office instead and continued to address the thank you cards that I am working on getting sent out.

I got a pep talk today. One from your favorite lovie that always knows how to cheer me up. A pep talk that was very much needed as it’s always during these pep talks that I am reminded that I am going to be o.k. but sometimes I just need to hear it from your lovie, whom I trust more than anyone. The lovie that is connected to your soul which in turn, always makes me feel close to you. Words of our conversation float through my mind, all jumbled about.
Me: “I’m not going to be o.k. I found his hair. I miss him. I want him back. I’m bitter and the world is too bright.” Tears start to form.
Lovie: “Heyheyhey. Stop. Look at me. You are hurting. You are hurting in the worst way possible. Who told you, you are bitter? Don’t listen to those assholes. I know bitter. Bitter is not something you develop over something like this. Bitter is something a person always has. You don’t have a bitter bone in your body. You are the kindest, most gentle soul that I’ve ever known. Stop listening to other people. You are kind. You are beautiful. You are the beautiful little broken bird whose wings have been clipped and you are trying to fly again. You will fly again, I promise. He was the most amazing kid, wasn’t he? I’ve never met a kid like him before. I’ve never met a mom like you, either. You are such a handful. And fuck cancer.”
I felt like I was in the movie, “The Help,” as that scene kept playing in my head. The one where the woman tells the little girl, “You is good. You is kind. You is important.” Those are the words I kept hearing over and over. After my week of grief hell, those words were exactly what I needed to hear today. They got me through the day. They will get me though this life. They have carried me this far. I can’t even think of where I would be, without them.
My tears stopped. “He was amazing, wasn’t he.” I felt myself smile.

“There’s that smile. And not the bullshit one. You are going to be o.k. I promise.”

Picked up. Dug out of my hole. Again. I’m back standing on both feet for now.
I know you know one of the biggest gifts you have given to me. One of the biggest gifts that I do not think I would be here without. Actually, I’m quite sure I would not be here, if this person did not exist. The one person that can always hold me up, pick me up, drag me by my hair, up off of the ground no matter how heavy my grief may be. The only person I really listen to in this life, besides you. My other greatest teacher in life. I am thankful every second of my life for this gift you’ve left behind. Every second, Ronan.
Your Romom, Tricia, tracked me down. It’s been a long time coming. She begged me to go hiking with her. I told her no at first. I told her she was going to have to drag me out of the house. She didn’t have to drag me. I went the top of Camelback with her. It’s been a long time since we attended church together. I’ve missed it so much. I’ve missed her too. We did a lot of yelling at each other. We did a lot of crying on the way down the mountain. I’m pretty sure the people we were passing were thinking… “What are these girls so upset about? What stupid drama!” If only it had been just stupid girl drama. If only the reason for our sadness/hurt/tears wasn’t because we are both left in this world, without you and neither of us knows what to do or how to be; because everything hurts too much. Lots of things are broken now, Ronan. So many things are broken. But I can see they are slowly being fixed. The one’s who are meant to stay in our lives, will stay. The one’s who love us the most, won’t leave forever. They will always be here. Even when all I do is push away. They are the ones who know me. Who love me. Who believe in me. Who don’t judge me. Who don’t judge how we are “handling,” our situation as if there is even a right way to do this. I know they want to fix me, but also know they have to respect my time and my space. And they also trust me enough to know only I can fix myself. So they just stand back and silently love me. I always know this. It’s called true love. It’s called compassion. And I am so thankful for the gentleness.
At the end of the day, no matter what I write on here, no matter who I tell to fuck off…. all you have to do is look in my eyes to see the pain and love that fills my entire body. How can anyone look me in my eyes, and judge??? I am just a mom. A mom who loved a little boy, more then this entire world. A little boy who I spent 4 years with. A little boy who I spent 8 months with fighting cancer. A little boy who wasn’t supposed to die, but did and now I have to live with that guilt/shame/sadness for the rest of my life. Do you know what that feels like for a mom? No. You can’t possibly. You didn’t have him, the way I did. You didn’t love him, the way I did. Nobody can understand what that is like. Nobody can understand the bond I had with him. Nobody can understand the pain I feel from losing him. You cannot even come close to trying to understand this, no matter how much you love your kids. No matter what losses you have suffered. Why isn’t the fact that I am here, following my heart, and continuing to fight for you, Ro…. for me…. for your brothers…. for our family…. enough? Nobody hurts more then me. Even your daddy knows this. I am sure I have done a thousand things wrong, said the wrong things, made mistakes…. but these are my mistakes to make. I will make them for the rest of my life. At the end of the day, I have to look myself in the mirror and just know that I am doing all that I am capable of doing. I know that this is not the way that most people would choose to deal with this but as I’ve said before….. just because it is not their way…. why do others think they have the right to judge my way? Especially if they’ve never been through this kind of hell. Nobody knows how they would act or what they would do, until you are put into this situation. Judging me is just cruel. It’s so passive aggressive. It’s just plain cold hearted and mean. Please stop. If you don’t like what I’m saying, because it’s too sad…. just stop reading. Because I’m not going to stop writing. I am staying true to myself and if that seems selfish than so be it. All I can do is listen to the little Rovoice in my head and what my heart is telling me to do. I am nothing. I am nothing without Ronan. I am aware of this. I am not even a fucking human being anymore. I don’t know who I am or what I am doing and I am trying to figure this out, day by day. I am learning to live in the moment because the moment is the only thing guaranteed in this life. Nothing more. Nothing less. Hopefully someday, enough.
Things have been o.k. the past couple of days. I gave into the super sad sadness that I was needing to let out during the week. I’ve been doing just o.k. this weekend. Just o.k. is as good as it gets for now. And I’m o.k. with that. I’ve been sleeping better, without the Ambien. I’ve been sleeping in your bed which I have found, brings me comfort. Even though it makes me so sad, it makes me feel close to you too.

I love you so much. I miss you. I hope you are safe. G’nite sweet boy.

xoxo
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14 thoughts on “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

  1. Kelsey

    Haters can go fuck themselves….anyone telling you how to be or not be is lame……find comfort how you need to…. 🙂 one perfect love

  2. Karen

    I hate when others hijack your time of tucking in RO to make you feel like you have to defend yourself or justify why you do what you do!! Fuck them RoMama!! This is your special time with Ronan….don’t give them the satisfaction to even acknowledge the fuckwads douchebags bunghole POS!! You IS beautiful… Ronan is beautiful and you two together are a force to be reckoned with !! Keep being you… Real, raw, gorgeous mother who fucking is grieving and so in love with her boy!!! Take your time…write what Ronan is leading you to express!! Fuck the rest and fuck cancer!! Ronan WILL take care of the bottom feeders, judgemental mud ducks in his time ….trust that!! Nothing but love hon!!

  3. Ali Barnes

    No one has any right to judge you and the fact that people do makes me so angry!!! Why bother reading if that’s all you’re going to do. It’s such crap that you have to put up with that on top of everything else.
    I’m so glad you have such incredible people in your life who are able to help you through all of this. I think it’s a true testament to what you’re like as a person that you attract so many amazing people into your life. It means you’re pretty amazing yourself…and that’s why Ro is so amazing as are Liam and Quinn. xo

  4. Karen

    I hate when others hijack your time of tucking in RO to make you feel like you have to defend yourself or justify why you do or say what you do. FUCK them ROmama!! This is YOUR special time with Ronan….don’t give them the satisfaction to even acknowledge the fuckwads, douchebags, bunghole POS’s. You IS beautiful…Ronan IS beautiful and you two are a force to be reckoned with!! Keep being you….real, raw, gorgeous mother who is fucking grieving and so in love with her boy!! Take your time…write what Ronan is leading you to express!! How dare they judge what Ronan wants you to say and HOW he wants you to say it. Fuck the rest and fuck cancer!! Ronan WILL take care of the bottom feeders, judgemental mud ducks for judging you… in his time…trust that! Until and god forbid it ever happens but until they walk in your shoes they have NO clue what you are going through. And they could never walk in your shoes because your shoes are sizes too big because judgemental people like that are so little and so narrow that they could never fill your shoes and conquer even getting out of bed like you do. Take it ROday at a time!! It’s Maya & Ronans love story and if they don’t want to read it, they can go buy a book on fairies, picnics and walks in the park because this story can only be understood and appreciated for people who GET IT and want to make a difference so no other mothers have to tuck in their kids via the internet!! NOTHING but love and respect for you and Ronan!! Always!!

  5. Glenda

    Maya,
    Thinking if you and Rockstar Ro!!! Always Ro!!! I hope you find Gary!!! 😦

    No one can tell you how to grieve. No one can say what is right or wrong for YOU! Only you know!! Baby steps… At your own time… Your way!!!

    Peace and strength RoMama! And fucancer!!!!!!
    XO

  6. Meshelle

    Maya,
    You are so much more than you know. I could throw out an endless stream of adjectives from a-z, and that still would not do you justice. I continue to be in awe of you, your strength, your love, your soul. You give me hope for today, knowing that there are real, genuine people on this earth that care. If everyone had your heart and spirit there would be nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, there are those who are bitter and jaded, those who like nothing better than to see something beautiful die. Those are the ones trying to silence you. Trying to minimize your story, your love, your Ro. Those are the ones that don’t deserve to know the beauty that is your love story, because they don’t want to understand and try to use their words to hurt you. They hide behind their computers and hurl insults and judgement and feel a tiny bit of accomplishment because of their mean and hurtful spirit. For every one of them there are thousands of people like me who believe in you and the power of Ronan. You are AMAZING, FEARLESS, INCA! Don’t ever forget that!!!

  7. Lori

    Maya, it is nobody’s business to judge you. You are doing the best you can. Sometimes the best you can do is to put one foot in front of the other, and that is enough. That is all you ever have to do. And if you can’t put one foot in front of the other, then you just have to sit and breathe and know that that is okay too. You are so brave and strong to do what you do every day. And most of all you are genuine and authentic. It’s obvious that Ronan’s light of pure love continues to shine brightly through you.

    Big hugs to you.

  8. Cloakey Notes

    Maya,

    No judgment here, only love. Or Rolove. Isn’t that what you’d say? You don’t have to defend yourself anymore. You never did. The people who don’t understand, the people who will never understand because they are so closed-minded, don’t matter. You are so loved. So much more than you can ever imagine. Sometimes your hurt and your sadness get in the way of you knowing that, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are. And yes. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You is so many things. You cannot be defined by little simple words. You are now Rodefined. Forget those who don’t understand that. Just forget them. They don’t matter. They never did. From the moment he was born, Ronan was in everything you did (as Liam and Quinn were and still are), and it just changed forms when he left you. But Maya, just because he’s not here in the physical doesn’t mean he isn’t here in other ways. I know you know that. I see it in your letters to Ronan. He’s trying to show you that he’s okay – he’s healthy, whole, and happy. Nothing is impossible for him anymore, except coming back to you in the way you’d like him to. If he could, I have no doubt that he would choose it. He’d come back to you healthy and as perfect as he ever was, having been healed. One day, Maya. I promise. You’ll see his little face again, and it won’t be in a picture or in a dream. It’ll be real. As real as it gets. You, my dear sweet stranger friend, are amazing. So much more than amazing. You’re Roamazing. That is a word now. Everything in your vocabulary should have Ro in front of it, because that is the way it is now. I look forward to the day when I’ll meet you and give you all the hugs you can bear – because I know that day is coming. XOXO Danielle

  9. Carolyn

    Maya, Ronan is so alive in my heart, and in the hearts of thousands of others because of your courageous words. I can hear his little voice, and see his beautiful eyes, and if anyone lives forever its in the hearts of others. And I don’t know what happens after this life, but no one else does either. So we can all hope and pray that we will all see our loved ones, the pieces of our heart who left first, again after this. I think there is hope still.
    Carolyn

  10. L

    Another day without Ro and I’m sending you hugs today. Thank you Tricia for loving your friend so much, she needs you more than she will ever admit. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. and You is loved.

    No judging. Ever. Always RoLove. Always Ronan. Forever.

  11. Kathy M

    Hugs and Love and Hope for you and yours. It pisses me off that people make comments to you (here or in real life) about how you are grieving. Screw them. They tell you you are depressed, well no shit, you lost your baby. What the hell are you supposed to be? Are you supposed to pretend like life hasn’t changed? Like his life didn’t mean anything? Bullshit. You tell him goodnight and know that there are many of us crying with you, many of us who have never met you or Ro, but are better people for knowing the two of you. It is completely beyond my comprehension how this shit can happen, babies aren’t supposed to die, mothers aren’t supposed to have to try to get up and get through the day without their babies. It DOES NOT mean that you don’t love your other boys, you do, but one is gone and damnit, you deserve to mourn him and he deserves to be mourned. I am proud of your ability to say it like it is, I am one of those people too and it makes people nervous, they want you to sugar coat shit and say it will all be fine. Whatever. So glad you have real friends, people who love you and will hug you and cry with you and help you and will honor Ro’s life.

  12. ann in NYC

    AWESOME. that’s right, you do what you gotta do & say what you gotta say. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Always Ro!!!!! FU cancer

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