There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Anything That Has To Do With You and New York City.

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Ronan. I know I’ve been quiet. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. O.k…. I’ll admit it. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching “The Kardashians.” I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, “Who am I?? In bed? The Kardashians?! OMG. I need an intervention.” I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadn’t felt in a while. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it… I knew I was going to crack. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. OUCH!!!! Ummmm… ouch!!! It’s much too early for those. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. That’s what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. The whole, what am I doing thing? Where is Ronan? And how in the world am I living without him? I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. I’ve been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead child’s costume. In my mind, I’ve walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, “Can you please get Ronan’s costume for me. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry.” “Of course I can. Consider it done.” he said. You’d think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? Well, that’s the world I live in, Ronan. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Walking in with it was easy. It’s the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do.

I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I had a little secret very important meeting today. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur.

Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. It all started with her looking  me in the eyes and saying, “What do you want? Tell me your dream for all of this.” So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. She grabbed my hand and said, “I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. Now that I’ve met you, you’re in.” It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. Follow up plans were made. It’s taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath all day and it’s not just from Poppy suffocating me. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. Mawahahahahaha….

I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. We very much needed a pow wow session. It’s been much too long. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. Just as I was saying to her, “How am I going to survive these next two months?” A text popped up on my phone. It was my agent, Nena. “Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses?” I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. “Here’s how I’m going to get through the next two months. By taking a little time out to go to New York.” What perfect timing. Of course I’m cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but I’m cutting it just close enough that I will make it. You know I will always say yes to New York. Especially when it involves you, which it always does.

This is all for tonight, little man. I’m mentally tapped out. G’nite. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I promise to make you proud.

xoxo

Quinn Does Not Have Brain Cancer and I Am Not Dying

Ronan. Quinn does not have brain cancer. Thank you for that. He just suffers from migraines, like your daddy. Brain cancer worries to rest. For now. It was a busy weekend. I spent most of it, hanging out with your brothers. They had a basketball game on Saturday. I felt so proud, watching them. Basketball has become therapeutic to them. Your daddy spends so much time, practicing with them. It’s showing on the court for sure. They are strong, fast, and aggressive. You heard me right. Aggressive. This coming from the two most gentle giants, to walk this earth. As their mama, watching this fire that burns within them on the basketball court, makes me so proud. I know it comes from you. I love watching them play. I hate how my eyes wander over to the other side of the court to where the 5 and 6 year olds are playing. I always picture you out there. You would have been the best player, rocking your Nike headband for sure. I told them after their game, how proud I was. I told them how much you would have loved watching them play and how you would have been yelling and screaming for them. The not having your little squeaky screams around, will always destroy me. Always.

I was tired Saturday, after being out for most of the day. I had a date night with Liam and your daddy took Quinn to the ASU football game. Liam and I cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It’s still hard for me to sit still and just watch a movie. I did it for Liam. I made him a pizza and popcorn. I may have burnt the pizza, but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to have me cook it for him. On Sunday, we had a nice little treat. Our friends, Robyn and Kyle, flew in for the night. Kyle asked Robyn, if she could go anywhere for one night, where would she want to go? She said to see me. I was over the moon about the two of them, coming to visit. They got in Sunday afternoon and we spent the day just hanging out and lying low. Your daddy and Kyle did a lot of guitar playing and singing. Robyn and I did a lot of trying to find me something to wear for The Gold Party (I still having nothing to wear because I refuse to spend an insane amount of money on a dress!) and talking about you and Ezra. I hate that she gets this in what seems to be the exact same way that I get this; but I love this too. I don’t feel so alone when I am around her. I swear to you, she knows my pain almost exactly. She loved Ezra, that much. She knows her perfect life will never exist again, because her perfect life was when Ezra was here. I know that, too. We feel a lot of the same dark things that I don’t really want to share on here. I can go to the darkest of the dark places with Robyn and not be scared that I am being judged or criticized. She is one of the few people I can do this with and it’s all because cancer killed her fucking kid, too. Fuckwad asshole that cancer is.

I took her on a night hike with Kassie and your brothers. I huffed and puffed all the way up the fucking mountain. Robyn laughed at me and the way I had to have my hands on the side of my hips, so I could keep my balance. It is a lot of work carrying a Poppy in my belly. My inner insane workout goddess is not happy, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t do much, so I continued to huff and puff up to the top of the mountain until we arrived at our church. It was dark, quiet and peaceful. We did our little list of the things we were grateful for. Robyn said lists like that were hard for her. They are always hard for me. I made your brothers do one, too. I told them we couldn’t leave the mountain until it was done. They said some cute things. Things 9 year olds should say. Quinn’s last one was he was grateful for his health. That got to me, in a good way and a sad way. I was proud of him for saying his health but it also made me fucking pissed at the world that I know he only knows this, due to you dying. We got down the mountain, in the dark. I didn’t fall. Yay, me. Poppy wouldn’t have been to pleased about that one. We came home and your daddy and Kyle had cooked us all dinner. We gathered around like the unconventional family we are, but nothing has ever felt so much like family since you’ve been gone. Kyle had your brothers in stitches. Kassie just looked like an angel. Robyn just feels like home. Your daddy makes everything safe. Liam and Quinn, remind me of you. Our kitchen table was filled with laugher, pain, sadness, and beauty… all in a very safe, yet dark world that we exist in. I have decided I don’t really feel like I live anymore, Ronan. I exist if anything. I can get by, existing and working the rest of my life to exist in a really, really, really good way. By helping others and opening my heart to these beautiful people, that I am so lucky to know. So lucky for being so unlucky. Talk about ironic.

Robyn and Kyle left today. I was sad to see them go but so glad that they came. My phone rang from my OBGY’s office. I didn’t pick up, on purpose. I had blood work done there last week. I knew they were calling to tell me I had some deadly disease or that Poppy is dying. I listened to the voicemail and called back. My heart was racing. I waited to talk to someone. I was preparing myself, for the worst like I always do with every situation now. I had the talk in my head with Liam and Quinn about how I was dying or how Poppy could not be born. This is automatically where my mind goes and I’m not proud of it but it is not anything I can control. I think I was about ready to hyperventilate on the phone when the lady came on to tell me everything came back fine, except my thyroid looked off. “What do you mean, I’m not dying and Poppy’s not dying!” I wanted to scream. Surely something bigger had to be wrong? Surely the other shoe was going to drop, right?? Not today, Ronan. Not today. Not even today when my very special friend had her very hard surgery. One she thought she might die from. I told her I had talked to you, and she would not be dying. I was right. Everything went great. Thank you for that. You know I could not survive, without her.

I’m going to go now. I’m tired, but what’s new. Seems to be a theme around here. This Poppy pregnancy is for the birds. But I will try to be grateful for this gift that is growing inside of me. I am grateful, Ronan. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, but it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. I wasn’t mentally prepared for all the grief that was going to consume me, too. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xxoo

The Darkest of Days and a Summer Storm

Ronan. I am o.k. with the dark places I have to go to once in a while. They are a part of my life now and I choose to face them, head on when they happen. They are awful, they are scary, but there is no avoiding them. This past week I’ve been living in them, but still somewhat functioning. I know my frienemy, Ambien, does not help with my mental well-being. I’ve been so great about not having to take anything to sleep for the past month, until 2 days ago, I threw in the towel both nights because I was in a bad place and just wanted some sleep. Let me tell you, the reproductions of Ambien are not worth it for me. My body/mind does not handle mind altering medications well at all. I have spent the past few days in such a hangover fog that I could hardly form a thought. Yesterday, was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Your brothers went to basketball camp and stayed the night with your Mimi and Papa as they have not seen them for a while. This left me with the entire day to myself which you know I hate. It would not be this way, if you were here. You would have been with me, like you always were, yelling at me from your car seat, trying to get me to roll down your window so you could do something naughty like throw a Gatorade bottle out of it, or smearing whatever it is you could find, all over every inch of the car. I would have laughed, told you that was not nice and tried to discipline you, but you know I secretly loved whatever little shenanigans you were up to. It was always something.

I came home yesterday, to an empty house. A quiet house. I opened my computer to try to catch up on some emails, do some foundation things, etc… It wasn’t happening. I sat here and sobbed while sending Rita text message after text message which were codes for, “Hey, I’m not o.k. and I don’t know what to do.” I sent Stacy a text message as well and asked her if she could use her secret spy connections to get me a really good hotel rate for the night as I could not take being in my house for the day/night/your empty bedroom was too much. In a blink of an eye, it was done and I fled our house without looking back. I checked into the hotel that is maybe a mile away, but to me it felt like I was in another world. Anything was better than our house yesterday. I sent your daddy a message and told him where I was and asked him to pack a bag so we could stay at our home away from home for the night. He said sure thing, and he would meet me there in a few hours. He asked if where I wanted to go for dinner. I told him I didn’t care but I wasn’t capable of making a decision. He kept throwing out options but nothing was sounding good. We finally agreed on a place and I peeled myself out of bed a couple of hours later to run out so he could pick me up. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, AZ88. The restaurant that we kind of fell in love at as we used to frequent it all the time back when we were just dating and had no real responsibilities in life. We were just two young kids, who were crazy about each other and everything was so perfect, fun and good. It feels like that world never existed now. It feels like a fantasy world I made up in my head as now I am so caught up in the pain of this, that the happy memories of what once was, don’t really exist. I wasn’t in a talking mood last night. I was STARVING as it had been a few days since I had eaten. I just wanted to sit quietly and eat my food. Not much fun for your poor daddy, I know. But sometimes I am just so far in my head, in this grief space, that I cannot pull myself out of it. And if anybody else tries to get me out of it, off with their head I go. I was just about to take a bite of my sandwich when your daddy started talking about you. The “where do you think he is talk.” I just looked at him. The tears started to pool in my eyes. My throat tightened up and I thought I was going to start choking on my sandwich right then and there. I set my sandwich down. “Please. I can’t do this, tonight. I am starving. I just wanted to actually get a meal into my stomach. That’s it. Nothing more tonight. I can’t do more, tonight.” Your daddy apologized. He said he was sorry. That he can’t really talk about you, with anyone else, because nobody else really understands, but me. I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. I sometimes think I am the worlds biggest asshole. Well, after cancer that is. I pushed my sandwich away. Appetite gone. The waitress came over after your Daddy’s food disappeared. “Is there something wrong with your sandwich?” she asked. “No. Not at all, thank you. I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was.” insert fake smile here. Goodbye AZ88. I love you, but I might have to break up with you for a while. I came back to our room and threw up whatever little food I had in my stomach. I passed out cold after that. I woke up around 11:00 to some crazy thunder and lightning storm. Your daddy was still awake. I rolled over. Watched the lighting, listened to the rain, and fell back into a deep sleep, with a smile on my face. You always know when I need a storm, the most.

I had planned on driving up to Sedona the next day to see Dr. Jo. I got a late start on the road as it was 10:00 before I headed out. She sent me a text saying if it was going to be too rushed of a day, that she could meet me in Phoenix on Friday morning for a bit. Your daddy and I had a dinner planned with a friend for that evening so I was going to have to leave Sedona kind of early, to make it back in time. I told her nope, that I was already on the road and desperately needed to get out of Phoenix for the day and that the drive would be good for me. It always is. Of course I blared my music all the way up. Lots of Foster the People, Florence and The Machine, Neil Young, Red Hot Chili Peppers… the usual suspects kept me company. I got to Jo’s house and embraced my mama/sister/mentor/friend/soul mate that she has become. It had been over a month since I had seen her. Way too long. We caught up at her kitchen table. A few minutes later, we looked outside. It had started pouring rain and we watched the storm roll in. We both smiled. “Let’s go sit on the porch,” she said. We sat outside on her swing and let our legs get soaking wet while we swung and caught up. We went inside to make some tea and returned to outside to one of my favorite places in the world. The view of the red rock mountains surrounding her house are to die for. “I told Dave you were coming up today and that you would bring the rain with you. We have not had rain in forever up here.” I smiled and told her just to call me the Rain Goddess from now on. It really does blow my mind how when I am having a really hard time, I swear you know and bring me the rain just to make me smile for a few hours. Our cosmic connection I suppose. I’ll take it. I love it. My dinner date ended up getting canceled which meant I didn’t end up having to rush back to Phoenix. I stayed up in Sedona all day with Dr. Jo and we went for a walk/hike in the rain to grab some lunch. It was a good day. Sedona and Dr. JoRo are good for my soul. It is about the only time I feel peaceful in this fucking fucked up beyond fuckery of a world that is now mine.

Alright baby doll. I’m going to end this here; I have a ton of stuff to get done. Miss you much. Love you always. I hope you are safe. I am so, so very sorry.

xoxo

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An Inferno Dark Death Hike that should have resulted in a Heart attack.

Ronan. Someone had a party in your room last night and it was not you. That would have been me and my friend, Ambien that I have not taken for weeks now. It’s funny how just when you think you are making progress with little things like a normal sleep schedule and BAM! Out of nowhere, 10 giant steps back. Where is my natural sleep remedy, your New York Miss Macy when I need her? And why does that girl always relax me so much that I sleep like a baby when she is around? Insomnia strikes again tonight as well. Good times around here.

I had a meeting this morning. I felt like a zombie. I took your brothers with me. They quietly sat at the table with us and ate their breakfast. Not a peep was made. Sometimes they are so good that it makes me want to scream, but I was thankful for it this morning. After my meeting in regards to the Sept. 29th event, I ran your brothers to basketball camp. I went by Dr. JoRo’s office to sit and get some things done. She has been letting me use it while she hasn’t been there. I think I was pretty productive but I ended up crying hysterically when one of my MISS mama friends, popped her head into the room to see how I was doing. I tried to say fine, but the tears that followed told the truth. She came and hugged me and sat with me for a while. She told me about the dream she had of you. She asked if there was anything she could do. I just told her no. That there was nothing, anyone could do. She said she knew. I left there shortly after that as I had to pick up your brothers. We came home and spent the rest of the day, hanging out. I made them lunch and tried to do all the normal things that a normal mom does during the day when she does not have a dead child. It still feels foreign to me to go on with normal day to day things. I would give anything back to go back to our cancer world where all I did was take care of you and your brothers when I could. It is such an unfair world but it is so much less cruel than this. Your daddy came home and I told him I needed to go hiking. He took your brothers to Costco and to play basketball for me. I headed up to Camelback around 6:30 p.m. It was still so bloody hot out. I hiked that mountain as fast as I could. At one point my heart was racing so quickly that I thought to myself, I wonder why my body doesn’t just give out and have a heart attack right here. I wonder if this is what it feels like? I was panting so hard trying to get up the last stretch that I could not even breathe. There was some dude behind me. Ummmm, no way was I letting him beat me. He didn’t. I won the little made up competition in my head. I fell to the ground at the top as I could not even stand. I sat there and tried to get my heart rate to come down. I was dry heaving but due to not eating the entire day, I had nothing to throw up. I know I should have been up walking about but my legs would not let me stand back up. I soaked up the bright pink sunset. It was gorgeous up there. I spent way too long at my church, but that tends to happen to me up there. I could sit for hours and talk to you. It was already dark as I headed back down. Dark on Camelback is not a good or safe thing. The trail is steep, rocky, loose gravel everywhere. I did my best to navigate my way down with the little light that was left shining from the moon. I left my headlamp in the car. I was in a fuck it all mood today so fuck it all is what I did. The headlamp did not stand a chance of making it into your little backpack. I got down, somehow. Guided by you of course. It’s the only way I get through things now. I came home, threw off my drenched clothes and got in the shower. I felt so tired that I was sure tonight was going to be an easy night of sleep. I snuggled up to your daddy. I tried to be peaceful but that did not work. I ended up throwing pillows, tossing and turning only to wake him up from his very peaceful sleep of slumber. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, but had to get out of our room. He said it was alright but I know how much he misses me when I don’t sleep in our bed with him. Maybe I’ll attempt to go back there later.

I found out something from Fernanda today. Something that she didn’t tell me but she should have told me. I am just thankful that it is you, who is watching over her and taking care of her to make sure she is o.k. I know she has been talking to you a lot and asking you to help her with some things. You are being such a good, brave boy by taking good care of her so nothing can happen to her. I need her here, for a very long time. Remember how good of care, she took of us? I won’t ever forget it. Now it’s your turn, to take care of her, o.k. baby boy. I know you always are. Thank you for that.

I’m queasy probably from the way I over did things today. I’m getting sleepy. I think I’ll go and cuddle up to that daddy of yours. Goodnight baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

I didn’t kill the intern. I only made her black out and throw up.

Ronan. Shitballs. I am beat. I spent yesterday with Quinn, hanging out at Charisma’s. We went for a hike. We lounged around. We played basketball and some other game that involved Charisma kicking my ass. I’m not used to losing, but if I had to lose to anyone, I am glad it was her. She kicks ass and is such a good friend. It was nice to spend time with her and have a break from everything. We were up in her room and I was watching her get ready as I sat on the floor. She came and sat with me, looked at me and said, “How are you so calm? So serene? You’ve been like this since the day I met you. You just have this peacefulness about you.” I told her I didn’t know. That I think to myself if I naturally wasn’t this way, I don’t know how I would survive something like this. I then said to her, “Do you see why my anger has to come out in my writing? Because I don’t get it out, any other way. My writing is how I release my anger.” She said she understood. How she doesn’t know how I do what I do. I looked up at her. “Can you believe this fucking happened to me? To him? To us?” “No,” she said. “It’s unfathomable to me.” Later that morning, I was sitting on her bedroom floor again. She yelled to me, “I have something for you. I just thought of it and I want to give it to you.” She went to her closet and came back with a ring. It’s dark, sparkly, and beautiful. “I want you to have this. To wear it and think of me, every time you do. So you know I’m always with you.” I tried not to tear up. I slipped it on. Rings never fit me. This one fit perfectly. “I love it. Thank you. I will wear it and think of you. You give me strength. I will look at it when I am sad, and try to be strong.” My friend. I am so lucky to have her. She does give me strength. She is a fighter, just like I am. I feel stronger when I am with her. She has this way about her that makes me feel like I am capable, strong, and even though you are gone, you are still always with me. She is good at reminding me of that. I am thankful for her and the lessons she teaches me. “To thine own self be true.” Right, my friend? This is so fitting for you. You are one of the truest people I have ever known. I love you.

Quinn and I arrived home last night, around 11. I feel into a fast, long sleep. I dreamed about all things sweet for once. All things sweet, except you. It is o.k. that you are not visiting me in as your own self. I know it is you, visiting me through your lovie. If that is the best you can do as of now, I will take it. I woke up today, on a mission to get shit done. I did. I ran to Starbucks for my breakfast of coffee and nothing else. I had a mini pow wow with one of my board members to catch her up to speed on some things and vise versa. I unpacked and did laundry. I met up with Rissy Roo to go over her list of intern things to do which mainly just consisted of getting our toes painted all purple and sparkly. She saw through my twitter that I was going inferno hiking later. She told me she wanted to come. YAY! I was excited to have her. We picked a time to meet up and go. She came over later in the day and we left for our little hike of the day. I think it was a little over 100 today, but I didn’t notice on our hike of all things inferno and fucking insane. I didn’t notice until Rissy was about half way to the top of the mountain and I realized I had been blabbing my face off. “Shit, Rissy. Are you o.k.?” She looked like she was about to pass out. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just need some water,” she panted. “O.k. let me know if you need to stop again.” We continued up farther. Me: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Up the mountain I go. Is it hot today? I notice nothing. Is it hard today, this mountain climbing of mine? No. Nothing is hard anymore because I know what hard is like. I live in a world without you. That is hard. Nothing else, that I do, even compares to that. I look back. Shit! Rissy is bent over, trying to breathe. “Rissy! OMG. Are you o.k. Crap! I’m a bad boss! I should not have taken you inferno hiking!” I am scared now. “What if you have heat stroke! Let’s get you down to this part and I will turn around, go back up the mountain, down the other side to my car and come and pick you up!” “O.k.” she said. She got down, safely. I texted Rita who was flipping out. “Our intern is blacking out! You made her puke!” SSSSSHHHHIIITTTT!!! I haul ass down the mountain as fast as I can, to rescue  Rissy. I got to her about 20 minutes later. She looked much better. “I threw up. Want a apple carmel sucker?” she said. “I feel awful! But yes, a apple carmel sucker will make everything better. Are you alright?” I asked. She was. Thank Ro for that. I didn’t kill my little intern. My board would have NEVER forgiven me for that one! Our itty bitty is PRICELESS to us!! She was a good sport about the whole thing, but I don’t think she will be going back into the inferno, anytime soon. I am just truly glad that she is o.k.!

My Rissy is getting ready to go on her mission trip, to Wales in just about a week with her Young Life group. She blows my mind. She is 20 years old and is already making such a difference in this world. I know what I was doing at 20 and it was not going on mission trips and working my butt off for a children’s cancer foundation, for free. Her mission team still needs about 9,000 dollars. I know that I have my issues/anger with many things in this life, but I will ALWAYS support Rissy’s beliefs and what it is she is doing, because it is her heart and soul that I love. Her heart and soul that I don’t judge. Our spiritual beliefs/differences are something I embrace, as I know we are both opened minded enough to listen and learn from each other. I have taken the time to get to know this sweet little soul and I am so proud of her and so thankful that I can support her in whatever way she needs support. I have heard through the grapevine that due to some of my “anger issues,” that some people cannot support me. To each their own. But if you cannot support me, then maybe you can open back up your hearts and your wallets (hee hee) to support Rissy and her Young Life groups mission trip. I know even the smallest donation would be greatly appreciated by your God, so very much. I plan on making my own donation to help Rissy reach her goal. I know this would make my Ro, very happy.

Here’s the info to help Fund Risssy’s, The best intern ever, mission trip: Checks can be mailed to: Scottsdale Bible Church Marissa Rahm 7601 E. Shea Blvd. Scottsdale, AZ 85260 Please specify that you are donating to the Wales College Group The money being raised will go towards the following: Partnering with Young Life to host a camp for students. Provide labor, including cleaning, clearing tress, maintain “man- made” ponds, build picnic tables/chairs; outreach/evangelism. The link for Young Life is also below. http://www.younglife.org/us Love you, Rissy girl. I will always support you in life, whenever you need it. Unless you become a stripper;) Then it’s game over.

Ro baby. This is all for tonight. I’m wiped from the day. I have so much more to say as the thoughts about you and all of this are never-ending tonight. I’ll save them for a later date. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. xoxo

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Did I die? Nope, it was just the flu.

Ro baby. It was bound to happen sooner or later. The way I run myself ragged, I’m surprised it took this long. It started Wednesday night. I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something….. but I just chopped it up to being tired. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. I threw off my clothes, washed my face, and curled up in your bed. I don’t think I moved for the next 24 hours. I slept for about 16 hours straight. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. I spent the next couple of days, wishing for death just due to how physically awful I felt and for the first time, it was due to something else then the loss of you. It was official. I had the flu. And there was nothing I could do about it. I gave into it. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. Grief, reality, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, were all there waiting for me. I woke up to a quiet house. Alone. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. I’m alone. I’m sad. Why is the house so quiet? Where’s Ronan? Ronan’s gone. Ronan’s dead. You are alone. Nobody wants to take care of you because you’ve been so mean. Because you’ve pushed everyone away. I started to cry. My phone rang. Of course it did. You always make sure of this. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best I’m not crying or sick voice I can. It doesn’t work.

Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “Why do you sound like that? What’s wrong? Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?”

me: “I’m sick. I think I’m dying. I’m sick. I’m alone and I have nobody to take care of me.”

Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick?” the chuckling begins. “I’ll bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand.” the chucking continues.

me: UGH. I’m too sick to laugh. But I laugh anyway. “Why are you laughing. It’s not funny. I’m really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me.”

Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “You are not alone. You have plenty of people who would love to take care of you. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you won’t let ANYONE take care of you.”

me: “I hate that you know me so well. Not really. I love that. Thank you.”

Mr. Sparkly Eyes: “I miss him. I’ll check in with you later. Please rest. This does not suit you at all.”

me: “Fine. Agreed. How are you always right? It’s starting to annoy me. I love you, Sparkly.”

I hung up and listened to your Sparkly and went back to sleep for the next 8 hours. I let the tears, sweat, and vomit take over my world for 3 days straight. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. Oh, there’s perfect infant Ronan. Then perfect baby Ronan. Then perfect toddler Ronan. Then perfect little boy Ronan. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we can’t fix him……. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. What do you mean, no more pictures of Baby Ro? He was mine, how can that be? What do you mean, I can’t talk to him anymore? He was my best friend, the love of my life….. this can’t be real. It cannot be real because it is too awful. Things like this don’t happen in real life, right? Things like this don’t even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? Fuck this FUCK THIS FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want my best friend back. Please!!!!!!! Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. I’m up out of my sickness coma. I’m better. I’m pacing the house now. I’m looking for you. The screaming won’t stop now. I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. It was an emergency last night. I was like a wild animal out of control. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. Swallow pill. Sheets drenched. Pillow case soaked. Clutch phone to look at your face. Your sweet little face. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. Lights out for the next 7 hours.

I wake up to the fucking sunlight obnoxiously screaming in my face. Dude. Can’t a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? Would it be too much to ask for the happiness of the world to just go on vacation for a day? Not today. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. Or so the outside world seems to think. Even the weather agrees.

That’s all for now little man. I miss you so much. SO much that I somedays think this still cannot possibly be real. But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. For that, I’m sorry. I am so very sorry. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. I love you, Ro. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Vegas on crack

;

Ronan. Is the picture above, sad? Because I wept just seeing it. It tells the story of everything that is wrong in this life, because you are gone. It tells the story of everything that should be, but is not. At least to me it does. Is everything sad? Because I can’t seem to stop crying. Is this because I spent much of my time in New York, not crying? I went days there, without crying. Now back here, I cannot seem to stop. I took my Ambien to go to sleep last night. Fucking Fuck. I just wanted to 6 solid hours of sleep without tossing and turning. Is that too much to ask? I woke up today, feeling rested. I thought it was going to be an o.k. day. I was wrong. I spent the morning being productive, trying to get some thank you cards addressed. It seems like I am drowning in them. I have to get them sent out. I hope there are not people out there, who think I am not thankful for all they have done, big and small. Nothing goes unnoticed. As I was addressing the envelopes, I thought to myself…. I really don’t recognize any of these names. Who are all of these selfless people, who love you so much that they wanted to help us in our darkest hours? Strangers? Long lost friends? Acquaintances? Is does not matter because they are all united by you so that makes me love them all, even if I may not know their faces. I feel like I know their hearts and they are beautiful.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the day except I didn’t leave the house. I could easily become a hermit and I have decided I have developed Agoraphobia. Well, at least that is the way I felt today. I felt afraid of the world but hey…. that’s not right because I’m not supposed to be scared of anything. Today, I felt scared. Today, it seemed too bright outside to venture anywhere at all. So I didn’t. Do you know what the outside world looks like to me on most days? Las Vegas, on crack. Everything is so bright, that it hurts. Everything looks so fake and plastic. Everything feels like an illusion and a dream. Maybe I should move to Alaska where the sun doesn’t shine so much. I have a feeling my zombie self would do just fine there. I didn’t pick up the phone either, even though it kept ringing and my text messages, kept dinging. I was in the zone of cleaning out my jewelry drawer and I knew what I was going to find even though I wasn’t looking for it. The ziploc baggie that contains your hair. Your beautiful hair that I had saved when we shaved your head. I opened the baggie, felt your soft hair, and wept. In the middle of my crying, my doorbell rang. I threw on my big, chucky sweater and went to answer it. It was Mandy Bee and she was tired of me ignoring the phone and her. And she was worried. I let her in and let her hold me while I sobbed in her arms. I had the ziploc baggie of your hair in my hands. We sat on the couch and she tried to get me to leave with her. I told her I couldn’t go anywhere except for I had to meet your daddy at Dr. Rachels. I told her I needed to try to make myself look less like a zombie for that. She stayed with me as I somehow managed to throw on some mascara and take my hair out of it’s wet mop on top of my head. I totally had good intentions of leaving the house today, early on. I showered in the morning but I just couldn’t seem to manage much more than that.

Mandy Bee picked up your brothers at school for me. She brought them back to our house for a little playdate with her boys. She also insisted that she was taking me to dinner tonight. I told her no. I tried every excuse I could use, to get out of it. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. Your daddy took your brothers to play basketball. I headed out into the dark for a run. Mandy called me halfway through my run to tell me she was on her way to pick me up. That girl is so persistent. I finished my run just in time to hop in the shower before Mandy came to kidnap me. I answered the door and told Mandy I could not go anywhere that sweats/no makeup/ glasses on/wet hair up in a bun/chunky sweater/red eyes were not allowed. I also told her I could not eat because I had been throwing up all day. She totally pretended like she was agreeing to everything I was saying, but we ended up at True Foods anyway were I proceeded to eat a little something for her. I ate. I sat. We talked. I was glad I went out with her for the hour that I did. I needed the little shove that she gave me. I hope tomorrow is better. There has been a lot of screaming voices in my head again and they have not been saying very nice things. They are making me tired, restless, and exhausted. It’s obvious the grief grim reaper/inferno fuckwad Bob is back with a vengeance. I’ve been trying to let myself just be true to what I have felt the past couple of days. I have tried to be respectful of the way I am feeling by not forcing anything else. I am learning that grief comes in waves. It will never be a steady uphill process. I know I can get knocked back down, at anytime and it often feels like I am starting all over at square one. There is no rhyme or reason to this…. it’s just the way this grief thing works; for me at least. Everyone is different. All I can do it be patient and surrender to the way I am feeling, at this moment in time. One foot in front of the other as they say. Or two-steps backwards to go off the beaten path to an unknown destination. Nothing is guaranteed in life; especially not now. All I can do is keep trying to survive, one day at a time.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams little man. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Somebody wake me up when this bloody holiday is over.

Ronan. I am really, really hoping that I am not truly losing my mind from the pain of losing you. I am really, really, hoping that this pain, which is already intolerable, only feels as if as if it is on steroids, just due to the fact that Christmas is almost here. I am trying hard to be logical about this. Who cares about stupid Christmas? Why is it because Christmas is here, that it is making this 10 times harder than normal? I have been doing a lot of talking to myself because Inferno Fuckwad Bob is trying to completely take over. I had this conversation in my head tonight about how much pressure the holidays bring anyway when you are a normal human being. Now, try doing these holidays when your child is dead. I am trying not to panic about the many reactions my body is having…… which I swear I have no control over. The throwing up. The blurry vision. The headaches. The insomnia. The racing of my heart. The shaking of my hands. The way I can’t seem to breathe. The way every part of my body hurts. Even the tips of my fingers. I feel like I should be admitted to a hospital. Can’t they sedate me and put me on oxygen, too? So I can breathe a little more easily? Can’t they just put me to sleep for about a week? I deserve a little break from this or else I am going to crack. Maybe I am starting to crack and these are the warning signs.

No amount of physical exhaustion is helping either. And it normally does. This morning I got up early and met Mandy Bee for a workout at some place she goes. I don’t remember much of it except we did a lot of picking up heavy tires, ropes, and punched a boxing bag. Afterwords, I was shaky and I hopped in her car as she talked me into going to Starbucks. I think she was really afraid to let me up and just drive home as I know she saw the sheer look of terror in my eyes. She drove me to Starbucks but she had to pull over right in front so I could run into the bathroom because I told her I was going to throw up. I did. A whole lot of liquid as I had nothing else in my stomach. I brushed my teeth in that Starbucks bathroom as I now carry a toothbrush with me everywhere because I am so used to this happening. We sat outside and drank our coffee and made small talk with some south african guy. The small talk turned into the how many kids do you have, question. I let Mandy answer first. My turn next. Lucky me. “Two eight year olds. And an almost 4-year-old who just passed away.” Good thing the dude was wearing sunglasses so I didn’t have to see the look in his eyes. I’ll never get used to saying this to people when they ask this question to me now. I always take a minute to answer and think to myself….”There has got to be a better way, to say this.” Turns out, there is not. It will never just roll off of my tongue.

I found myself on my bedroom floor today, huddled in the corner of my room and on the phone with Dr. JoRo, bawling so hard I don’t think she could even understand much of what I was saying. I told her how I couldn’t breathe, how I wanted to just go to sleep, and how tired I was of everything. I stayed this way for about 10 minutes. I then told her I had to go because it was time to be a mom and I was taking your brothers rock climbing. I had to play the good mommy role and suck it up. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and not come out. I didn’t though. I sucked it up and pulled myself together as they were so excited to be off and doing something with me. We went with Kristi and her gorgeous girls. I loved watching your brothers as they tried something new. I tried not to let the fact that you weren’t there with us, ruin everything. I made myself climb to the top of that rock wall today. Actually, Kristi really made me do it as I was content to just sit and watch your brothers. I was glad she did. I was halfway up and decided to turn around and look down. Bloody hell it was high up there. I almost stopped and turned around. A vision of your face flashed in front of me and I looked up and made myself continue on, to the very top until I touched the metal little pole that proved I did it. I know you were proud. As Kristi said, one more thing on my little list, checked off. I thought to myself…… yes indeed. But I wondered how long I could really keep all of this up. I’m still glad to have that little check mark off of my list. I did it for you and for your brothers. Because they deserve to have a mom who hasn’t completely checked out. I know I am being hard on myself but I also know that your brothers saw me as I cried in the car all the way home. I wish I could hide my pain from them all the time, but sometimes it is impossible. It is so hard to look them in the eyes when it is so visible to them, that I am hurting so badly. No 8-year-old should have to watch their mama wiping away the never-ending tears. But no 8-year-old should have to ever watch their best friend and baby brother, die of cancer either. It is all fucking bullshit.

We came home tonight to your daddy. I ran to the bathroom where I threw up the dinner I tried to eat. I took a bath and crawled into bed. Your daddy, sat with me and just held my hand while I stared blankly at the wall as the hot stinging tears poured down my cheeks and soaked my pillow. He took your brothers out to run some errands. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. I jumped up, startled, when my body realized that I had fallen asleep and reminded me of how wrong everything is in this life now, including things like sleep. No rest for the weary.

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

A Dangerous Day Indeed

Ronan. Today, I lived. I lived and I didn’t feel like dying for the first time, in a long time. But I am still aware of the reason it is, that I am trying to live this life to the fullest. I am aware that it is because of your death, that I have no choice but to go on and try to live this life now that I am without you. That is a heavy things to carry around with you, when you are just trying to survive. It weighs you down but at some point, you just have to try to get used to carrying this weight around with you now. Because it is never going away. I met Mandy Bee, Kristi and her friend, Jacqueline, at Scottsdale Gun Club. I’ve never shot a gun before in my life. Well, that is not totally true. I’ve shot a bb gun a few times. I think I tried to shoot my little brother once, when we were little with one. But that is the extent of my gun experience. Today, I had no idea of the awesomeness I was in for. I should have known just due to the company that I was in. We arrived, Mandy and I had to watch a little video before we got started. Kristi and Jacqueline are pros. Jacqueline has been shooting guns since she was 9. Badass. We made some pretty little targets to shoot at. Most of them said, “Fuck You Cancer.” or “Cancer is an Asshole.” I made one, for a specific person, who shall remain nameless. But it felt the best when I was shooting my machine gun, at this sign. I also made one for Inferno Fuckwad Bob. Jo would have loved that. We shot a couple different machine guns, a pistol…. I have no idea of the actual names of these guns. All I know is it was the best therapy I’ve had in a long time. I took out a lot of aggression and anger today on those targets. I felt empowered. I am woman, hear me roar.  I told Woody I want a machine gun, for Christmas. I was joking, of course. But that is how I feel. Like life is so fucked up that I should just be able to walk around and carry a machine gun with me at all times. To kill all the zombies that are trying to eat me. You would have loved today, baby doll. I know I made you proud. Check mark number 1 for your little bucket list  that I am going to carry out for you. Thank you K,M and J for today. It was a day that Ronan would have loved.

After our little Baby Danger outing, Mandy Bee and I went and grabbed some lunch. I told her I was freaking out because I hadn’t worked out today, so I was going to go home and try to get in a run before I grabbed the boys. She told me I should just come over and I could workout at her house. She said she would teach me to box. Sign me up! Another thing, I’ve never done. We got to her house and changed. She has a punching bag hanging in her garage. I told you this crazy stalker girl, is my kind of girl;) One that keeps a punching bag hanging from the ceiling of her garage because she likes to take her aggression out on things that she can hit. It was pouring outside. We turned on some loud music and bootcamp Mandy was in full effect. She yelled at things for me to do. I did them. After about 20 minutes of doing whatever she told me, it was time for my little punching lesson. I put on her gloves. I tried to focus on my form and breathing. Mandy held the bag and screamed a lot of fuck words for me. It was hard. Really hard. Next I took off the gloves. It was time to hit the bag, with my forearms. I can’t remember what Mandy called it and I didn’t care. All I knew is I was beating the shit out of something and I didn’t want to stop. I continued. She told me that was enough. I told her no. I wanted more. She told me to look at my arms. They were all scraped, bloody, red, bruised. I told her I didn’t care. It didn’t hurt me. She let me go another round. She had to pull me away. We worked out in the pouring down rain. I didn’t have shoes because I had worn my boots earlier in the day. So we were both barefoot. After our kicking workout in the rain, we went on a run. Barefoot. We came back to her house. I told her I wanted to punch the fucking bag again. She let me but finally told me enough was enough. She wasn’t going to let me hurt myself anymore for the day. I felt like what I bet a crack addict feels like. I wanted more. My bruised and bloody arms, told a different story. I can hardly wait for my next little punching lesson. I really did tell Woody that I want a punching bag and boxing gloves for Christmas. Preferably purple.

You know how I am when I say I’m doing to do something, Ronan. I don’t half ass it. Today, I didn’t do just one thing I’d never done before. I did three. I told Tricia this and she laughed and said, can’t we just ease into this and your new danger plan? I told her no. I’m already plotting as to what next week has in store. Although your brothers will be out of school for break, so I’m going to have to get creative so I can include them too.

I’m tired tonight. Sore. I spent the rest of the evening, feeling sick to my stomach due to the crazy Mandy Bee Bootcamp. It’s still raining. Pouring. I hope it never stops. I love you. Today, I missed your smile so much that it took my breath away. You have the most beautiful smile baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my little wild and free soul. I hope you saw all I did today and you know it was all for you. Always for you. G’nite.

xoxo

Baby Danger Plan….. Activate!

Ronan. I know you know when I’m quiet on here, it’s when I’m at my worst. Dr. JoRo keeps telling me to be kind to myself. I haven’t been. I’ve been downright mean to myself. I say I’m not depressed as I feel it is so unfair to diagnose one with depression when they are going through something like losing a child. It’s just another thing that is wrong with this oh so not compassionate world we live in. It is much easier to diagnose somebody and walk away. It is much easier, to label them. Or put them on a pill and not deal with the real issues at hand. I’m not depressed. I’m just really, really sad. I guess this is probably what it feels like to a normal person who suffers from depression. I wish I were just a normal person, who was depressed. I wish I wasn’t this way, because you died. I can hardly remember what I was like before all of this. I’ve been hiding out a lot. I didn’t go to the holiday party with my small group of closest besties on Saturday night. Little M hosted it like she does every year. I miss her so much. I’ve now missed our holiday party, two years in a row. I went for a run in the dark instead after I had been in bed all day long on Saturday. But Saturday wasn’t my fault. I was hit with a 100 pound brick when all I was trying to do was be a normal mama. Liam and Quinn had a basketball game early on Saturday morning. I didn’t want to go, but I sucked it up and I did. I wasn’t prepared for what I walked into. A gym. Full of I swear, what was 200 people. That’s what it felt like to me. An encounter where I felt like a deer in headlights and I swear all eyes were on me. An encounter that has been a long time coming, but I wish it had been anywhere but there. A basketball team that all of your friends from preschool, were playing on. Mommy friends that I have not seen in a very long time. A basketball game that you should have been playing in. You weren’t. But everyone else was. I think I blacked out for much of this encounter. Or at least I left my body. I was hysterical. I ended up on a bench, trying to focus on your brothers but all I could do was look around at all the empty faces in the gym, waiting to see you. I didn’t find you. You didn’t come. I was left there, alone, to pick up the pieces as always. I wanted to run away. At one point, I almost bolted. I tried but it felt like my feet were glued to the gymnasium floor. I stayed. But I didn’t clap and cheer. I cried instead.

After I got home from Liam and Quinn’s basketball game, I crawled into Liam’s bed. I passed out. I stayed there, until 6:00 at night. I only got up when Danielle called to ask if I wanted to meet her for a dark run on the canal. How could I turn down a run after the day I had? I couldn’t. We ran. We talked. We parted ways after about 4 miles. She ran to her house. I walked on the dark canal alone. I stopped to look up at the moon. I stood and looked at the water. I stood and contemplated if I would really drown if I jumped into the canal. I stood for about 15 minutes playing out the scene in my head. I decided that death would probably not be the outcome, so it wasn’t worth it. I would have ended up wet, cold, and lord knows what kind of creepy crawly dirty rodents live in the canal. My fear of those things, stopped me. I finished up my run and came home to your daddy and brothers. I fell asleep with Quinn in his bed. I decided that Sunday, I was in a funk in a bad way. I gave myself a pep talk to try to get myself out of it. I decided that a hike was necessary. Mandy came over and we went. I told her that we needed to hike the mountain, barefoot. She is crazy enough that she didn’t even look at me twice. I think her shoes were off, faster than mine. We hiked. I ran. I got a lot of weird looks. It felt good to feel the pain beneath my feet. It made me feel alive. I came home and we had Kenny, Stacy and their kiddos over for dinner. I played with Kennedy. Oh, that little spicy girl. She reminds me so much of you. She let me paint her nails all pink and sparkly. We ran around outside. We played a let’s scare the boys game. We played your hot lava game, outside. I tried to feel happy. It only made me miss you more.

I spent today, Monday, being productive. I woke up to the pouring down rain. My favorite days. Our favorite days. I dropped your brothers at school and was determined to get in a hike. I ran up our mountain in the cold, windy rain. I stood at the top and let the wind whip around and slap me in the face. I watched the gray skies as they came pouring in and the rain and wind got more and more angry. I headed down the mountain, running as fast as my legs would carry me. I didn’t see another soul there. Only Inferno Fuckwad Bob met me. I wasn’t happy to see him but I did my best to pour my energy into myself and you. I tried not to give in to him. I got a lot done today. I got a lot things crossed off of my list. I survived. I’m here. I’m trying to be happy about it, but I’m not. Oh! But I know a nice thing that happened today! I stopped by Katie’s to check in. I actually hung out in the back of her store and worked on some foundation things. I had my headphones on and I was on a mission to get some things done. As I was getting ready to leave, I headed to the front and I saw a lady buying some of your bracelets. She looked like the nicest grandma and I wanted to hug her the moment I saw that she was holding your Fuck You Cancer, bracelets. I sat and watched her for a minute before I said, “Hi, I’m Maya.” She looked so surprised. She gave me a big hug and told me she was buying the bracelets for her granddaughter who lives in New Jersey. She said her name was Ally. I knew who she was talking about right away. I try my best to keep up with your lovies, Ro. The ones who are always reposting about you, who talk about you, who Facebook, and Twitter about you. I try my hardest to always be thankful for these lovies as they are all going to help change this disease. She told me her granddaughter would be so excited to know that she had met me. She told me all about the essay she wrote about you for the college she was applying to. She got accepted and she’s getting a scholarship too. Her grandma called her while I was in the store and put me on the phone with her. It was the sweetest thing ever, Ro. This sweet Ally girl, couldn’t even talk, she was crying so hard. I told her how thankful I was, for her support. How excited I was for her college opportunities. I told her I hoped I would get the chance to meet her someday. It made my day. See Ronan. You are changing the world. Look how inspiring you are, to all kinds of people everywhere. It’s such a good thing to be wild and free.

I need to start being wild and free. I told my Mandy Bee this yesterday. That we needed to do something dangerous this week. I told her to come up with a plan. She did. We will execute, tomorrow. As for now, I’m keeping it a secret. I will tell you more tomorrow. I need to blow off some of this steam. I’ve decided that something, “dangerous,” needs to happen every week in order to give me something to look forward to. I’ll be accepting suggestions from you all. Don’t disappoint me:). I know you won’t. I’m going to create a Ronan’s bucket list and live it out, for you. I’m game for anything. I like a challenge. I like to try new things. This could actually turn into something really fun. We should all be living our lives doing new and exciting things. Even if it means, spending the day in a library or going to a movie alone. As long as it’s something that you normally wouldn’t do. Ronan, we didn’t call you Baby Danger, for nothing. I’m going to start embracing this Baby Danger of mine. It was my favorite nickname for you. Get busy living or get busy dying. I’ve got one foot stuck in both worlds right now. It is beyond confusing. It’s beyond sad. I need to make some plans, otherwise I’m going to sit here and just drown in these tears. You would be so mad at me and the way I’ve been, Ro. I know this. I’m sorry. I’m making plans, baby doll. Lots and lots of plans.

I’m going now baby. I love you. I’ll be extra spicy for you tomorrow. Sweet dreams beautiful boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Oh, Ro baby. I need you to watch over Mia for me. Please. I talked to Sandra tonight. Mia is trying so hard to get better. I need you to help her, please. This is so not fair, for any of them. It is killing me. They need a break. They deserve a break. Please. Send Mia the strength to get better. I know the way Mia is fighting, is because you are helping her. I know that is you. Keep going baby. She needs you more than ever.

Also, lovies….. if you want to do something sweet, send Mia some mail. I’ll bet this would brighten her day. She is in Philly now, at Chop. What little girl, doesn’t love getting mail?? She loves kitty cats, sparkly things, hello kitty, princesses….. all things girly and fun. Have your kids, draw her a picture or write her a sweet note. I know she is missing home. I know she is missing her family. I know this would make her smile. Here is her address. They will be there, for awhile. At least another month. Thank you so much. For something so little, it means so much.
Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
Seashore House
Patient: Mia Foutz, Room 300
34th Street and Civic Center Boulevard
Philadelphia, PA 19104 – 4399

xoxo

Ro baby. Super Nate’s mama sent me this picture tonight of him, by your tree at PCH. She said his jaw dropped when he saw it and thanks for making their day. This picture made me so happy but then I ended up on our bed, tears pouring. For so many reasons. For you. For me. For us. For Nate. For Nate’s parents. For everyone out there, dealing with cancer in whatever way, shape or form. For anyone who has ever lost a child. The reasons were endless. I miss your bald head. So very, very much.

I know you’re yelling out to Nate, “May the force be with you, Super Nate!” You’ve got to help him too. I know you will. Thanks baby. I love you.