Ronan. I know you know when I’m quiet on here, it’s when I’m at my worst. Dr. JoRo keeps telling me to be kind to myself. I haven’t been. I’ve been downright mean to myself. I say I’m not depressed as I feel it is so unfair to diagnose one with depression when they are going through something like losing a child. It’s just another thing that is wrong with this oh so not compassionate world we live in. It is much easier to diagnose somebody and walk away. It is much easier, to label them. Or put them on a pill and not deal with the real issues at hand. I’m not depressed. I’m just really, really sad. I guess this is probably what it feels like to a normal person who suffers from depression. I wish I were just a normal person, who was depressed. I wish I wasn’t this way, because you died. I can hardly remember what I was like before all of this. I’ve been hiding out a lot. I didn’t go to the holiday party with my small group of closest besties on Saturday night. Little M hosted it like she does every year. I miss her so much. I’ve now missed our holiday party, two years in a row. I went for a run in the dark instead after I had been in bed all day long on Saturday. But Saturday wasn’t my fault. I was hit with a 100 pound brick when all I was trying to do was be a normal mama. Liam and Quinn had a basketball game early on Saturday morning. I didn’t want to go, but I sucked it up and I did. I wasn’t prepared for what I walked into. A gym. Full of I swear, what was 200 people. That’s what it felt like to me. An encounter where I felt like a deer in headlights and I swear all eyes were on me. An encounter that has been a long time coming, but I wish it had been anywhere but there. A basketball team that all of your friends from preschool, were playing on. Mommy friends that I have not seen in a very long time. A basketball game that you should have been playing in. You weren’t. But everyone else was. I think I blacked out for much of this encounter. Or at least I left my body. I was hysterical. I ended up on a bench, trying to focus on your brothers but all I could do was look around at all the empty faces in the gym, waiting to see you. I didn’t find you. You didn’t come. I was left there, alone, to pick up the pieces as always. I wanted to run away. At one point, I almost bolted. I tried but it felt like my feet were glued to the gymnasium floor. I stayed. But I didn’t clap and cheer. I cried instead.
After I got home from Liam and Quinn’s basketball game, I crawled into Liam’s bed. I passed out. I stayed there, until 6:00 at night. I only got up when Danielle called to ask if I wanted to meet her for a dark run on the canal. How could I turn down a run after the day I had? I couldn’t. We ran. We talked. We parted ways after about 4 miles. She ran to her house. I walked on the dark canal alone. I stopped to look up at the moon. I stood and looked at the water. I stood and contemplated if I would really drown if I jumped into the canal. I stood for about 15 minutes playing out the scene in my head. I decided that death would probably not be the outcome, so it wasn’t worth it. I would have ended up wet, cold, and lord knows what kind of creepy crawly dirty rodents live in the canal. My fear of those things, stopped me. I finished up my run and came home to your daddy and brothers. I fell asleep with Quinn in his bed. I decided that Sunday, I was in a funk in a bad way. I gave myself a pep talk to try to get myself out of it. I decided that a hike was necessary. Mandy came over and we went. I told her that we needed to hike the mountain, barefoot. She is crazy enough that she didn’t even look at me twice. I think her shoes were off, faster than mine. We hiked. I ran. I got a lot of weird looks. It felt good to feel the pain beneath my feet. It made me feel alive. I came home and we had Kenny, Stacy and their kiddos over for dinner. I played with Kennedy. Oh, that little spicy girl. She reminds me so much of you. She let me paint her nails all pink and sparkly. We ran around outside. We played a let’s scare the boys game. We played your hot lava game, outside. I tried to feel happy. It only made me miss you more.
I spent today, Monday, being productive. I woke up to the pouring down rain. My favorite days. Our favorite days. I dropped your brothers at school and was determined to get in a hike. I ran up our mountain in the cold, windy rain. I stood at the top and let the wind whip around and slap me in the face. I watched the gray skies as they came pouring in and the rain and wind got more and more angry. I headed down the mountain, running as fast as my legs would carry me. I didn’t see another soul there. Only Inferno Fuckwad Bob met me. I wasn’t happy to see him but I did my best to pour my energy into myself and you. I tried not to give in to him. I got a lot done today. I got a lot things crossed off of my list. I survived. I’m here. I’m trying to be happy about it, but I’m not. Oh! But I know a nice thing that happened today! I stopped by Katie’s to check in. I actually hung out in the back of her store and worked on some foundation things. I had my headphones on and I was on a mission to get some things done. As I was getting ready to leave, I headed to the front and I saw a lady buying some of your bracelets. She looked like the nicest grandma and I wanted to hug her the moment I saw that she was holding your Fuck You Cancer, bracelets. I sat and watched her for a minute before I said, “Hi, I’m Maya.” She looked so surprised. She gave me a big hug and told me she was buying the bracelets for her granddaughter who lives in New Jersey. She said her name was Ally. I knew who she was talking about right away. I try my best to keep up with your lovies, Ro. The ones who are always reposting about you, who talk about you, who Facebook, and Twitter about you. I try my hardest to always be thankful for these lovies as they are all going to help change this disease. She told me her granddaughter would be so excited to know that she had met me. She told me all about the essay she wrote about you for the college she was applying to. She got accepted and she’s getting a scholarship too. Her grandma called her while I was in the store and put me on the phone with her. It was the sweetest thing ever, Ro. This sweet Ally girl, couldn’t even talk, she was crying so hard. I told her how thankful I was, for her support. How excited I was for her college opportunities. I told her I hoped I would get the chance to meet her someday. It made my day. See Ronan. You are changing the world. Look how inspiring you are, to all kinds of people everywhere. It’s such a good thing to be wild and free.
I need to start being wild and free. I told my Mandy Bee this yesterday. That we needed to do something dangerous this week. I told her to come up with a plan. She did. We will execute, tomorrow. As for now, I’m keeping it a secret. I will tell you more tomorrow. I need to blow off some of this steam. I’ve decided that something, “dangerous,” needs to happen every week in order to give me something to look forward to. I’ll be accepting suggestions from you all. Don’t disappoint me:). I know you won’t. I’m going to create a Ronan’s bucket list and live it out, for you. I’m game for anything. I like a challenge. I like to try new things. This could actually turn into something really fun. We should all be living our lives doing new and exciting things. Even if it means, spending the day in a library or going to a movie alone. As long as it’s something that you normally wouldn’t do. Ronan, we didn’t call you Baby Danger, for nothing. I’m going to start embracing this Baby Danger of mine. It was my favorite nickname for you. Get busy living or get busy dying. I’ve got one foot stuck in both worlds right now. It is beyond confusing. It’s beyond sad. I need to make some plans, otherwise I’m going to sit here and just drown in these tears. You would be so mad at me and the way I’ve been, Ro. I know this. I’m sorry. I’m making plans, baby doll. Lots and lots of plans.
I’m going now baby. I love you. I’ll be extra spicy for you tomorrow. Sweet dreams beautiful boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Oh, Ro baby. I need you to watch over Mia for me. Please. I talked to Sandra tonight. Mia is trying so hard to get better. I need you to help her, please. This is so not fair, for any of them. It is killing me. They need a break. They deserve a break. Please. Send Mia the strength to get better. I know the way Mia is fighting, is because you are helping her. I know that is you. Keep going baby. She needs you more than ever.
Also, lovies….. if you want to do something sweet, send Mia some mail. I’ll bet this would brighten her day. She is in Philly now, at Chop. What little girl, doesn’t love getting mail?? She loves kitty cats, sparkly things, hello kitty, princesses….. all things girly and fun. Have your kids, draw her a picture or write her a sweet note. I know she is missing home. I know she is missing her family. I know this would make her smile. Here is her address. They will be there, for awhile. At least another month. Thank you so much. For something so little, it means so much.
Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
Patient: Mia Foutz, Room 300
34th Street and Civic Center Boulevard
Philadelphia, PA 19104 – 4399
Ro baby. Super Nate’s mama sent me this picture tonight of him, by your tree at PCH. She said his jaw dropped when he saw it and thanks for making their day. This picture made me so happy but then I ended up on our bed, tears pouring. For so many reasons. For you. For me. For us. For Nate. For Nate’s parents. For everyone out there, dealing with cancer in whatever way, shape or form. For anyone who has ever lost a child. The reasons were endless. I miss your bald head. So very, very much.
I know you’re yelling out to Nate, “May the force be with you, Super Nate!” You’ve got to help him too. I know you will. Thanks baby. I love you.
31 thoughts on “Baby Danger Plan….. Activate!”
Maya. I hope you do the roller derby. You will have some great stories:)
Super Nate and Mia are in my prayers as are you. What you are feeling is what I experience when I have an episode of depression. It’s horrible and very few understand it. Even though I haven’t experienced the loss of a child, I know where you’re coming from. As always no judgment. Just love. Excitedly waiting to find out your “dangerous” event!
So sad for all you are dealing with…it’s just so unfair and I wish I had a magic wand to make this all better. I love that you are writing a bit more again this week after the crazy week you had last week. I always worry more when you’re quiet…! 😉 Big hugs and big prayers to you tonite…xo michelle
Maya, I will keep this short and sweet. I know all too well the flood of emotions you are feeling. After I lost my son I thought I was crazy. I wrote and wrote, just like you’re doing. I journaled privately and would consume one composition book after another. I sought counseling and grief suport. I was strongly encouraged to get medication for my “depression.” I needed xanax to settle my nerves, especially when I would spend 24 hour days at the hospital with my very sick daughter.
Grief is so hard. We all have our own journey. Often people around us are holding their breaths, waiting for us to get back to our old selves. Only thing is, that old self is no longer. Part of us died the day our child died. There is no going back. Hope beyond hope, there is no rewind button. Only play.
As time progressed, I would take a moment off from grief. It’s always there. Right at the surface. It is so hard to go to ball games and school events and family gatherings and celebrations and all the wonderful places and things I shared with my children. Life is bittersweet.
I am not going to say it gets better. It changes. Our lives go on a different course. It’s not the route we intended, but it’s the one we’re on.
It will never be okay that your little boy died. You know that Ronan is with you every step of the way. He knows the love you have for him. You know his love for you in every fiber of your being. Hugs to you Maya. Take care of yourself.
Maya, I cry every time I read your blog. But, I’m also so glad to see that you are writing. And every time i read i go to hold my baby and be grateful. Im able to laugh at the crazy atuff ahe does, even when I am upset at things. Because you have made me realize that In a moment a child can be lost.
Your blog gave me the strength to cure my daughter of epilepsy (I say cure while I knock on wood and glance sideways). If not for Ronan my daughter wouldn’t have found the strength to go through brain surgery. Yes, my 14 year old decided to have brain surgery, and remove half of her brain. Know why? Because she saw Ronan’s journey and said that if he had the strength to go through his treatment she could do it. You are changing lives, both of you.
I’m going to put together a very nice package for Miss Mia. I was setting aside some of our Christmas budget until I sound the right child. I found her.
Thank you Maya.
Thanks for making me smile tonight.
You are a very brave mama letting us share your every moment of feelings! I cant imagine the depths of your sorrow! I will say a prayer tonight for you, for Ro and for your family. You are an inspiration for what is good to keep moving forward- even if its baby steps!
Oh maya…my heart breaks for you every single day. I like awake at night and think about you and Ro when I can’t sleep and wonder what I can do to get mire people to listen. I cry for you when I listen to songs that remind me of you and Ro. You are never far from my mind and I’ll keep fighting for Ro baby and all the other babies who fucking deserve better. I’m going to send mia something very cute and sparkly from Australia! Anything to put a smile on her brave beautiful face.
Love to you and Ro as always xo
You inspire not only me, but countless souls out there. I fell asleep earlier and just woke up with Julia & Angus in my ears. Made me come here right away. Did you ever get my tag that I met your amazing mother? She had the prettiest red sweater and red lips to match. Anyway, I love you….that is all.
98626 hometown love 😉
p.s. green eyed girls rock! just sayin XOXO
Just got my Palmer Cash “Rockstar Ronan” shirt in the mail yesterday….all the way over here in Germany! You stay strong. Get out there; do a Polar Bear swim in Lake Pleasant – in January, do the two-step at Greasewood Flats in purple cowboy boots and a feather boa, climb the seven peak challenge and shout Ronan’s name at the top of your lungs at every turn! Love you, you spicey mommy.
Skydiving! Go to Eloy, it is so freeing to be out near heaven and controlling how you glide back to earth.
Love you Maya and thinking about you all every day as always. Will get something for Mia this week. Love the picture of Super Nate next to Ronan’s tree. 🙂
I know you know this, but you and Ronan are changing the world. In memory of Ronan, Layla Grace, and all the other little babies and families who have lost little ones to cancer, this time of year is soo incredibly terrifying. My family is foregoing buying Christmas gifts for our children and extended family. Instead, we are donating tons of gifts to the Texas Children’s Hospital – Cancer wing in Houston. In fact, my girlfriends and I are hosting a toy drive for all of our hundreds of friends on facebook at a local outing this Friday night. This is all because Ronan has touched my life in ways I could never express in words. Thank you. It is a thank you I wish I never had to say, but it is reality now. We will never forget Ronan or your family or your struggle. Thank you for being public, honest, real and raw.
As for my suggestions: go to a Navy Seal bootcamp; do hot yoga (I don’t know the correct term for this); go to an Iron Man challenge thing; do a Tough Mudder race – in Northern California; adopt a child with disabilities; etc. There are a number of “dangerous” or “terrifying” things you can do that will help you or help someone else – just depends on what your motive is.
I am in Houston – where is your toy drive going to be? 🙂
We will be out in Sugar Land at Rouxpour at 7:30pm this Friday. I have a girls night once a month with a core group of great girls, but we opened this holiday one up for everyone – just trying to raise awareness and bring some joy to children going through such a rough time. Find me on facebook and I will add you to our invite! Michelle Stevenson Pineda
Great post Maya! I still follow every one. I don’t comment as often because I feel like I always say the same thing-but it’s true-I think about you and Ronan and your family every day and I pray for you all the time! Sometimes I see little boys that remind me of Ronan and it makes me sad. I am now keeping Mia and Nate in my prayers as well as their families. With every wonderful person or thing that comes your way, I rejoice for you! Thanks for sharing the info to send something to Mia. That’s awesome. I hope she is bombarded with letters and gifts! I’m sorry you have had such heartache and struggle. Life can dish out some cruel hands to people. You’re handling everything so well, as well as any of us could. God bless always, still keeping you in prayer, xoxo
Oh, how about skydiving, bungie jumping, salsa or belly dancing, ??? 🙂 I know you could do ’em all! xoxo
December hasn’t changed
This town looks the same
They still light their tree in the city square
There’s red, white, and green shining everywhere
And I wish you were here
And I wonder……
Is there snow falling down on the streets of gold
Are the mansions all covered in white
Are you singing with angels silent night
I wonder….. what Christmas in Heaven is like
There’s a little manger scene
Down on Third and Main
I must’ve walked right by it a thousand times
But I see it now in a different light
‘Cause I know you are there
And I wonder……
Are you kneeling with shepherds before him now
Can you reach out and touch his face
Are you part of that glorious holy night
I wonder….. What Christmas in Heaven is like
Is there snow falling down on the streets of gold
Are the mansions all covered in white
Are you singing with angels silent night
Oh I wonder…. What Christmas in Heaven is like
They sang this song at church this past weekend, it brought tears to my eyes, i think it’s beautiful, it made me think of Ronan. I wanted to share the lyrics with you. you can watch it and hear it on you tube. it’s by sarah schieber. I hope it doesn’t offend you Maya, i just was touched by it and wanted to share it with you. xoxo.
heading to michaels to find some sparkles for mia. xoxoxo
Praying for Mia! Going to draw some pictures tonight with my 6 year old. Stay strong little girlie! 🙂 Maya, I have always wanted to go and eat somewhere by myself. I never had the courage! But, fuck that attitude! I’m doing it! I do have to admit that when I am shopping with my kids and husband, if there is a good song that they are playing in the store, I will grab my 6 year old and we will dance like crazy! We don’t care what people think! My husband just laughs at us. (He has yet to join in). Oh and on the dangerous part, play Bingo! I did that and those old women are crazy! They were yelling at me that I was stealing people seats and nobody answered my questions! My husband volunteers for our sons schools to sell instants, and I thought I won 100 dollars on one so I raised my hand and it was the wrong game! They yelled at mr bc they thought I won bingo! Again, my husband just laughs at me. 🙂 THAT to me, is dangerous! Love and hugs from Ohio! You go Nate!!!!!!!! That’s my nickname that my husband and friends call me…and by the way, I think your handsome! 🙂
How old is Mia? I feel like you have told us but I can’t recall.. I’m going to spend some special time with my baby girl today picking out something nice for Mia. Thanks!!!
Thinking of you, Rockstar Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn.
Baby steps Mama… and thanks for shariing Ro with all of us.
All of your posts are powerful, but there is something about this one that really hit me. I am so sorry your son died. It’s a horrific tragedy. You are really amazing and special, I can’t even imagine how much Ronan loves you.
I’ll think of some good Danger stuff and get back to you!
Sending you love.
Double Dog Dare: Make a Miranda inspired video in some random PUBLIC location singing Ro’s favorite song and put it on YouTube for us to see! ❤ (Because it will be DANGEROUSLY funny!!!)
By the way, I missed your song selections, keep them coming. 🙂 And big hugs to you during this fucked up holiday season with out Ronan.
This one’s my fav so far!
2: Ride a Steer for 8 Seconds
3: Learn how to do a wheelie on a dirt bike
4: Drive Coast to Coast
5: Try out for a singing competion
6: Take a Welding, Basket Weaving, or Ceramics class at the college
7: Try out for Fear Factor
8: Swim in the Atlantic Ocean and Pacfic Ocean in the same day (Flying would be required)
That’s all I have for now. I realize #5 and #6 aren’t technichally dangerous, but they are things you wouldn’t do on a normal day.
Maya… I am one of your lovies; I read your words every day. I live so close to CHOP and would love to offer to help Mia and her family, if they need anything. I feel so connected to the world of caring, wonderful strangers that you have created. Please pass along my info, or message me. Susan xoxo
Maya, I am so, so sorry you have to watch Ronan’s friends grow up. That just makes me feel sick for you. I know countless good deeds will be done in Ronan’s honor this, and every Christmas hereafter. He is one special boy, with one priceless Momma.
Luv you mama!!!! xoxo
Flash mob. Complete with purple anything and lightsabers. They can spell out F U CANCER at the end. Then Bret Michaels can pop up from somewhere. Hello viral.
Definitely a flash mob. How awesome would that be!!! Sign me up 🙂
Someone told me that they couldn’t believe that there are people for whom Christmas is not a great time of year. That everyone must love Christmas. They are crazy and ignorant. I know that for many it is time of great sadness and loneliness. That for many it is a time when their losses are even more profound. And for you this Christmas will be undoubtedly hard – no more so than any other day I know but somehow holidays just hurt more. My Christmas wish for you is that love and hope will light your way to a peaceful time with your husband and children and that Ronan’s twinkles will be the Christmas Star in the skies above you. I will be thinking of you as I do every day and wish you love and calmness especially in this coming Christmas week. Hilary x