No sugar coating necessary


Ro baby. Today has been a very long day, with no end in sight. Here it is, 1 a.m. and I’ve almost been awake for a full 24 hours. I don’t really know what is going on, but this week has been really, really, hard. I do know what is going on…. you are not here which makes everything feel wrong. Your Daddy is right next to me, out like a light. I envy his sleep. I hope you are bringing him good dreams tonight as he has had awful dreams about you. That makes me sad.

I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I remember trying to fall asleep and my pillow was soon soaked with tears. Silent tears which are the worst. The tears that I am so good at hiding, as I don’t need anyone trying to comfort me because I am o.k. Right, Ro? Nobody needs to worry, because I am going to be alright. Everybody seems to know this, except me. I’m starting to think that everyone is crazy. And here, all along, I thought I was the crazy one. I am learning that I am in fact not. Everyone else is for thinking that I can survive this. Because as of now, I really, really, don’t want to. I just want to be with you and I’m not shy about saying so. I tried last night, to fall asleep in bed with your Daddy like the good wife that I am supposed to be. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking to myself, how can I possibly sleep, without kissing you goodnight. I wanted more than anything to sneak into your room and find you sleeping in your bed. I got up, went out to the living room and had a flash back of finding you on the couch late one night. I found you, crying softly as you tried to stop the bloody nose that you had. I swear I saw you last night, sitting there again. You are haunting me but not in a good way. In a way that makes me feel so guilty and scared. I replay the images of you at your worst over and over in my head again. It’s like a movie I am watching, where you know the ending is going to be bad, but you just have to keep watching anyway. There is no shutting it off.

Little one. I passed out after starting that last night. Passed out cold. I crawled into the bottom bunk bed where Quinn sleeps, except he was up top with Liam. I curled up in Quinn’s bed, with your GiGi and fell into a deep, dreamless, sleep. I’m sure I had dreams, but I cannot remember. I woke up groggy today and really, really, sad. I put on my best smile, got showered, dressed, and put on my best mommy face for your brothers as I took them to school. After drop off, I came home and now here I sit. In bed. I’m wearing the “Fuck God,” shirt that I had made. Yup. I did. “Fuck God,” on the front and “Fuck Cancer, too,” on the back. Deal with it. If you are up there, Ro…. playing on your white, fluffy cloud, while chasing around Master Yoda, and hanging out with “God,” can you ask him a few things for me?? I have some questions that he needs to answer. I really don’t think “he,” exists, but humor me because everyone else seems to believe in him. Can you ask him, if he is really the one in charge of this world, then why he would have allowed this to happen?? What makes him think that he loves you more than I love you?? Because that is not fucking possible. Then can you please give him a swift kick in the balls for me for taking you away to be with him. What a selfish PRICK. Can you please ask him, if he is real, than what makes him think that you were supposed to be the “chosen one.” I highly doubt you wanted to be the lucky one, to leave this earth, so you could go and do something better with your time. I know all you want is to be here with me. With your Daddy and brothers, playing football or Rockband. Causing trouble every where you went, all while melting everyone who came into contact with you, with your big blue eyes and beautiful, perfect face. Can you ask God, what mother deserves to go thought this?? And how he decides this?? How in the world can he justify the Hell he is putting me through? If he gives you some bullshit answer, such as heaven needed anther angel, can you please kick him in the balls for me again. You are indeed an angel, baby. But not the kind that needed to go to heaven. You were my angel and were meant to be here on this earth, for a very long time. I am really pissed at “God,” and his fucking plan for you. I am your mom, I am the one who was supposed to make a plan for you. My plan, never in a million years, would have involved you getting cancer and dying from it. If God gives you some justifiable answers…. which is bullshit because there are not any…. than I guess you can give him a hug for me. You can also tell him, the only way that I will forgive him is if this life is not truly the life we were meant to live together. That after this Hell of a life that is now mine, the next life I live will be spent with you and we will be together for a thousand years. I will survive this Hell of a life, holding on to that little sliver of hope that you are waiting for me on the other side and we will get to come back to live happily ever after, the next time around. God has a lot of fucking making up to do. Fucking Asshole.

The tears are endless today and I’m not leaving bed until I have to get your brothers from school. I’m hiding today as I deserve to. It’s been a while since I’ve done this and I am feeling really beat down from all the constant going, going, going…..that I have done. Yesterday, I met with Dr. Joanne. I was crying before I even got to the elevator to go up to her office. She had me do some homework that I finished and brought to our session. It involved sitting with the words I had written, 2 days after your diagnoses. I took those words, and wrote myself a letter from you. I read it out loud to her and cried while doing so. We talked a lot about my letter from you. I told her how you always called me, Mama… never Mommy or Mom. I loved hearing the way you called me Mama, so much. It was one of my favorite things about this life. We talked a lot about you, me, and my grief, Inferno Fuckwad Bob. The work I do with her is always hard, but it is worth it as I leave there feeling as if I am making progress. I am surprised how easily is has been for me to just let the floodgates open with her. I know a big part of this is because when Dr. Joanne works with me, she does not push me… she pulls me. There is a big difference and we both know I don’t do well with people who push me. I will instantly throw up a big block wall and you will never get in. It’s my defense mechanism. I like to be pulled; I am o.k. with that. I can handle that.

We sat and talked about how everything I am feeling is normal. She told me that she has worked with a lot of people in her time, but not many choose to face the darkness head on like I am. I appreciated that. Darkness is inevitable in all of this. I don’t want to be afraid of it which is why I am choosing to embrace it, be open and honest about it. I often feel like I am a 10-year-old little girl again, who is lost in a big, black, dark forest. I know I have to keep walking and I cannot stop. I know there will come a time, when the thickness of the trees will clear, a bit of sunlight will peak through, and what awaits me is a huge, open field of flowers with you running through them to get to me. I’m not giving up on that picture, Ro. But I have a lot of walking to do, before I am going to get there. I am not afraid of the dark as long as I have you by my side, in any way shape or form. I know you loved me too much to have left me alone in this world without you. Our love will survive the darkness that surrounds me. You are my little light that will guide me through.

Last night, I went to a concert. Foster the People. FTP. Or as my lovie, who shall remain nameless, called them, “FTP….. yeah, it stands for Fuck the Police.” Dying laughing right now. Her words were in response to some guy that was hitting on her and he asked her if she knew what FTP meant. That was her smartass, genius response. I had a beautiful night, surrounded by amazing music and girls. You would love this band, Ronan. They are freaking amazeballs. If I were 18, I would totally abandon whatever I was doing and follow them around the country. Mark my words, they are going to be HUGE. We saw them play in a really small venue last night which is always the best. I’ll bet the next time that band tours, they will be playing in huge Arenas as I know they are going to blow up. Everybody needs this C.D. in their life. Oh, Foster. How I love you so. Monica…. thank you for swinging that extra ticket my way last night. It was just what the doctor ordered. You are a doll. As for you, FTP….. do you live inside my head? Your C.D., is the soundtrack for this hellish life that I live. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being Rockstars…. I hope you always stay true to your preppy, nerdy, smart, and passionate ways. You will forever own a piece of my heart because your music is such an escape for me. Thank you for being awesome. A band that Ronan would have LOVED. He had the best taste in music.

Alright little man. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. I am tired after my day of crying and being angry at the world. It gets to be exhausting, feeling so many deep emotions that I have no control over. Please visit me tonight. Please let me know you are o.k. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Ronan. This picture haunts me. Those eyes say it all. Did you know? Did you know you were going to leave me all along? Did you know that Mama wasn’t going to be able to save you, even after I promised you I would. I broke my promise to you. I failed you. I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you. I sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry for everything. I know you forgive me. But I will never forgive myself. Your eyes say it all, Ronan. You knew.

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24 thoughts on “No sugar coating necessary

  1. Courtney

    I want to suggest the book “Heaven is for Real.” I know that it has changed my life and at the fear I have that my son will lose his life to EB. It is very short and an easy read. I pray it gives you just a tiny bit of comfort. My heart breaks to hear your words. Much love to you and your family.

  2. Tina

    I love you Maya. We all do. Your baby is always with you. He always will be. His love like yours is never ending. I hope you have beautiful dreams of Ro tonight. My love and thoughts are with you everyday.

  3. Glenda

    Maya…YOU didn’t fail Rockstar Ro! He is your shining star… your spicey monkey 🙂

    I hope he comes tonight and you have sweet dreams. To the moon and back!

    Those beautiful blue eyes… the ones that captured my heart ❤

    Peace & strength
    xo

  4. Kerstin Bevill (@kerstinbevill1)

    Dear Maya, I don’t mean to sound like a smartass here, but how come you still believe there is a God if you hate him so much? Would it make you feel better if you belived that everything “just happens” at random; that there is no higher power responsible for everything? Just some food for thought…

    1. Katie

      I am not going to say there is a god or there is not a god because I do not know. But if there is a god and he took my beautiful son, I would surely hate his fucking guts too. And I think as a mother who lost her beautiful son to such a disgusting and hateful and unacceptable disease she has every right to feel this way. Just like you have every right to feel however you feel. And if there is a loving god which so many people have tried to tell me about I think he/she/it would understand completely why a mother would feel this way and accept it for what it was. I really do not think believing in things “just happen” at random would make anyone feel better. Cancer fucking sucks. (bottom line) And if god thinks that it is okay to take a baby away from his mama he sucks too. I am just saying. That is my opinion. Not that my opinion matters to any one but me. All I know is that I will send all of my positive love to this mama who just lost her baby and I will annoy the hell out of everyone to try to make them aware of Childhood Cancer. I mean no offense in this response, I am just shouting out one opinion.

    2. Lynn

      Maya, hugs and a good day for you. You did your best. Ro felt your love. We all feel your love for your family.

      To Kerstin Bevill,
      I too have no god. I haven’t believed in a god since the first time my parents dropped me off at “church”. To me is there is no higher power. My belief is I am the master of my destiny. Secular Humanist is a term used for this. Our lives are destined by the choices we make, to the right- to the left- what others may consider wrong-or no decision made at all. Things progress regardless of the “choice’ made. My choices turn life in a different direction. My decisions and choices are made and it gives me strength knowing I am in control. I seek knowledge, I base my choices on what I have learned. I have confidence in myself and get strength from within. If I do not get the outcome I need/want, I know in my heart I did the best I could. I am not passive, I search and research.
      I am over 50 years old and have always lived my life this way. Have I had heart break? Have I had misery and sadness? Have I lost a child? Have I been depressed and had thoughts of suicide? YES to all of those questions. Has my life been better or worse than anyone elses life? YES again!
      If religion provides you peace in your life, congratulations. My non-religious life brings me peace. Don’t question those of us who doubt. It is natural to refer to a god when in pain, even if you do not believe in god. It is something that has evolved over thousands of years and will take many more to prove there is no god.
      Religion and those who need it in their lives bombard us from all sides. To me your god has no goodness in him or he would not take little children from their mama. My feeling is religion is a control to keep the people in their place, devised by the old day hierarchy. Look across the world to see the evil that is done in the name of religion.
      I am responsible for myself, my choices. I pay it forward selfishly for MY self- gratification…..buy a little old lady behind you in line her groceries. Choose to rescue dogs. Choose to help children without homes. It is in you, not a god.

      My opinion. No judgement or offense to those of you who do believe. I do not typically discuss my outlook on religion because the religious think they are correct in belief and look down on those of us with no religion. It is to each his own.

      1. M-OH

        Lynn,

        this is the best short essay I’ve ever read. Right to the point. I wouldn’t say it better. +1. Take care.

    3. megan rodriguez

      Hey kirsten, guess what? You DO sound like a smart ass. How about you keep your criticism of how this mother feels toward a “god” that could take her 3 year old son away from her to yourself. She has every right to feel this way after what she has been through….and there is no law that says she has to give up on the idea of a higher power just because of how she feels at this moment in time. None of us know a fucking thing about what happens when we die or why a 3 year old would have to fight for his life and lose to fucking CANCER. Spirituality isn’t an all-or-nothing kinda thing. I consider myself to be spiritual; I believe in energy, and the reality is that energy can never die, it can only change forms. That is the basis for my feelings about the way the universe works and it has nothing to do with a god, because a long time ago I asked myself what kind of a god could let a mother drown 5 of her kids in a bathtub, or take 3 year old (or 4 or 5 or 15 year old) boys and girls away from their mamas with such a horrible disease as cancer. If you have never cared for someone who has cancer, you can’t understand the way it messes with your head, the way that you hold out hope until your loved one has lost his or her battle. The way you tell yourself that your loved one will beat the odds because they just can’t go now, they were… JUST. SO. ALIVE. I believe whole-heartedly that Ro and his energy/soul/spirit are still with his family and that they will be together again somewhere, somehow. I believe in reincarnation, I think…because I have met some very ‘old souls’ in my life. I believe in soul mates, and Maya and Ro are definitely soul mates– they share a love that will transcend space and time. But last time I checked having beliefs didn’t mean that I had to worship “God”. So if Maya wants to say FUCK GOD just in case there is a man up in the sky pointing his finger and deciding the fates of 3 year old boys, that is her perogative and it doesn’t mean she has to become an athiest. And no one has the right to question that.

  5. E

    Maya,
    I want to say a million soothing things to you but there are simply no words for this situation, there haven’t been since the day Ro was diagnosed.
    He will never be forgotten Maya, obviously not by his wonderful family but also not by the wider community, you have done a wonderful job in ensuring that.
    I hope every day for peace for you and Woody and the twins and especially Ronan.
    I’m so sorry he’s gone.

  6. HBM

    You said “amazeballs!” LOL! Frickin’ awesome. That’s my word. You also told Ronan to kick God in the balls. You’re amazing. I’m so sorry for your day. You were right… totally deserved a day in bed. Many days, in fact. You’re so good at listening to yourself and your body. Keep it up, friend. We’re all behind you.

    Hugs,
    H

  7. Cheska

    Yep, it was the cancer and medicine that failed, NOT YOU!!

    Ronan knows that, Maya. He knows that you did EVERYTHING you could to keep him safe and to keep him HERE.

    Oh, and I think the look he is giving you in this pic is more of a “Mama… are you *seriously* taking my picture again? I mean, I know I am beyond cute and all, but cut it with the paparazzi crap.”

    Side note — are you a Perez Hilton fan (website, not the man, lol)? Amazeballs… LOL!

  8. Hilary

    You did not, have not and will now fail Ronan. I heard this song today – a friend who lost his partner and mother of their two young children chose it for her memorial and I feel it says a lot that might resonate with you. In these Times by Joan Armatrading. A hand to hold in these times. And many hands are holding your Maya. One day I hope you will feel them. May your day be hopeful and the sky as clear and blue as your gorgeous baby’s eyes. Big hugs. x

    These are the times
    Tears fill the back of your eyes
    These are the times
    The birds migrate
    Across the skies

    These are the times
    What hope you had you forget
    These wicked times
    You’re bound to feel
    All sanity is lost

    In these times everyone needs love
    In these times do you pray to God
    In these times everyone needs comfort
    And would welcome a hand to hold
    Compassion is the fire
    That burns the hurt
    That pains the soul
    And though my eyes are so polluted
    By the sight of lost desires
    I can see you standing by

    This is my fear
    That distance will come between us
    And it could mean nothing
    Nothing
    To get from here to there
    We own the world
    And everything that’s in it
    Let our love shine
    Like glistening raindrops
    Resting on a rose

    In these times celebrate our love
    In these times let’s be thankful of
    All the days we can spend together
    And I’m happy to hold your hand
    Your passion is the food
    That feeds the hunger in my heart
    And now my eyes are clearly open
    No more longing for the past
    Now I have you in these times

    In these times everyone needs love
    In these times do you pray to God
    In these times everyone needs comfort
    And would welcome a hand to hold
    Your passion is the fire
    That burns the hurt
    That pains the soul
    And though my eyes are so polluted
    By the sight of lost desires
    Good to have you in these times

  9. Hilary

    You did not, have not and will NOT fail Ronan. I heard this song today – a friend who lost his partner and mother of their two young children chose it for her memorial and I feel it says a lot that might resonate with you. In these Times by Joan Armatrading. A hand to hold in these times. And many hands are holding your Maya. One day I hope you will feel them. May your day be hopeful and the sky as clear and blue as your gorgeous baby’s eyes. Big hugs. x

    These are the times
    Tears fill the back of your eyes
    These are the times
    The birds migrate
    Across the skies

    These are the times
    What hope you had you forget
    These wicked times
    You’re bound to feel
    All sanity is lost

    In these times everyone needs love
    In these times do you pray to God
    In these times everyone needs comfort
    And would welcome a hand to hold
    Compassion is the fire
    That burns the hurt
    That pains the soul
    And though my eyes are so polluted
    By the sight of lost desires
    I can see you standing by

    This is my fear
    That distance will come between us
    And it could mean nothing
    Nothing
    To get from here to there
    We own the world
    And everything that’s in it
    Let our love shine
    Like glistening raindrops
    Resting on a rose

    In these times celebrate our love
    In these times let’s be thankful of
    All the days we can spend together
    And I’m happy to hold your hand
    Your passion is the food
    That feeds the hunger in my heart
    And now my eyes are clearly open
    No more longing for the past
    Now I have you in these times

    In these times everyone needs love
    In these times do you pray to God
    In these times everyone needs comfort
    And would welcome a hand to hold
    Your passion is the fire
    That burns the hurt
    That pains the soul
    And though my eyes are so polluted
    By the sight of lost desires
    Good to have you in these times

  10. Carolyn

    You may have read this book to Ronan:

    Small: “But what about when you’re far away? Does your love go too, or does it stay?”

    Big: “Look up at the stars, They’re far, far away. But their light reaches us at the end of each day. It’s like that with love, we may be close, we may be far, but our love still sourrounds us, wherever we are.”

    I think Ronan’s little soul is like those stars, living and twinkling to remind you he is still there. And that your love for each other lives all around you, and in each of us that has been changed forever by Ronan.

  11. Carolyn

    Also, I agree with those above, I don’t think Ronan knew, and there was nothing in his heart but love, not fear or blame (I inferred all this from reading your blog, you know better, but that’s what I see as an objective observer).

    I think maybe a dark little part of your mind tries to keep you in a darker place because that’s where it feels you should be, to be true to Ronan. That’s the part that tells you to feel guilty if a glimmer of happiness passes over you. I think it is telling you things that you know with the other part of your brain are not true. I think Ronan’s eyes say only that he didn’t feel good, and he was irritated, but not that he knew he was going to die. Your heart is broken, but try not to listen to that dark part of your brain that tortures you, and blames you, and makes up things that aren’t true. Listen to the other part of your brain that reminds you that Ronan lived his short precious life with joy, and dignity, with the light of love all around him. You gave him that, and only that, so please try to hold on to those thoughts when these dark ones try creep in.

  12. Jen

    Lynn,
    I agree with everything you said above about “god” and religion. I could have typed that!

    Maya,
    My heart aches for you. But please don’t keep beating yourself up… Would it have been better if you had told Ronan that you didn’t know if he’d be ok?? No, of course not… *that* would have terrified him. But a brave, confident mother who promised him he would be ok was exactly what he needed! Your promise gave him courage too and kept him from being afraid. You did what a good mom (“Mama”) should have done… You eased your son’s fears and comforted him completely! And when you told him that, you believed it. You weren’t lying. And that made Ronan believe it too. He didn’t know otherwise, Maya. He didn’t know he would die… He couldn’t have even understood death at his age. That photo reflects a tired little boy who’s been through so much… But a beautiful little boy who loves his Mama and is so comforted by her. A little boy who believes his Mama. And you didn’t lie, Maya… Ronan is ok, just not in the way you imagined or wanted. I’m so sorry for that, but – even though I’m not religious – I do believe in a spiritual plane. That’s where your boy is, ok as you promised him he would be… Safe, happy, and healthy. No more fucking cancer! And he still loves and trusts his Mama completely! You will see him again, hold him in your arms again… One day, way out there, after you’ve finished your journey here. No, there is no rhyme nor reason to why people die when or how they do. I’ve lost enough loved ones to know that. But I also know what I say is true… Thanks to one of my loved ones in heaven who broke the rules herself and let me know, a few weeks after her death, that she was safe and happy and perfect. I’ll email you her story as soon as I can summon the courage. It’s an amazing story, but hard to tell because I miss her so much. But I’ll do it for you. She’s safe, and so is Ronan… I promise. No religion involved, either! You did everything right for Ronan, Maya… Please believe that. May you find peace.

  13. Megan Rodriguez

    Maya, it is posts like this that make me wish I could reach into some magical place for words that could make you feel better…. but I know there are none. So I just want to send you love, and hope that all of the people sending their love to you and your family and keeping Ro in their hearts gives you some semblance of peace, if even just for a fraction of a moment. I am so happy that you got to see FTP! I heard about the concert the morning after and I was so bummed, because I really love Cults as well as FTP. Music is so transcendent. I believe it will always be a way for you to connect and feel/be closer to Ronan, because of how you shared it with him. You are such an amazing mama, and like so many others said– he knows that you did everything in your power and how MUCH you love him. That much I KNOW. Much love to you and Ro, and hopes of sleep and sweet dreams of your little Rockstar.

  14. Paulina

    Dear Maya, you are supposed to be doing exactly what you are doing. Grieving. This is your way of doing so. Do not apologize. Do not feel bad. Your loss is too much for many people who haven’t had that experience to understand. But most important, do not feel guilty. It went beyond your control. You are a great mama, you always be! Ro is with you, he is healthy now and you will get to be with him. I do believe in that. I send you all my love to you and your beautiful family.
    BTW, I stop today at the water place in 40 St. and Camelback. Got a bracelet. In memory of Ro.

  15. lannyb27

    I just heard this song on my ipod, i think you might understand the lyrics more than most: Christina Perri – The Lonely

    Thinking of you, wish I could take away even a little of your pain.

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