Ro baby. Today has been a very long day, with no end in sight. Here it is, 1 a.m. and I’ve almost been awake for a full 24 hours. I don’t really know what is going on, but this week has been really, really, hard. I do know what is going on…. you are not here which makes everything feel wrong. Your Daddy is right next to me, out like a light. I envy his sleep. I hope you are bringing him good dreams tonight as he has had awful dreams about you. That makes me sad.
I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I remember trying to fall asleep and my pillow was soon soaked with tears. Silent tears which are the worst. The tears that I am so good at hiding, as I don’t need anyone trying to comfort me because I am o.k. Right, Ro? Nobody needs to worry, because I am going to be alright. Everybody seems to know this, except me. I’m starting to think that everyone is crazy. And here, all along, I thought I was the crazy one. I am learning that I am in fact not. Everyone else is for thinking that I can survive this. Because as of now, I really, really, don’t want to. I just want to be with you and I’m not shy about saying so. I tried last night, to fall asleep in bed with your Daddy like the good wife that I am supposed to be. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking to myself, how can I possibly sleep, without kissing you goodnight. I wanted more than anything to sneak into your room and find you sleeping in your bed. I got up, went out to the living room and had a flash back of finding you on the couch late one night. I found you, crying softly as you tried to stop the bloody nose that you had. I swear I saw you last night, sitting there again. You are haunting me but not in a good way. In a way that makes me feel so guilty and scared. I replay the images of you at your worst over and over in my head again. It’s like a movie I am watching, where you know the ending is going to be bad, but you just have to keep watching anyway. There is no shutting it off.
Little one. I passed out after starting that last night. Passed out cold. I crawled into the bottom bunk bed where Quinn sleeps, except he was up top with Liam. I curled up in Quinn’s bed, with your GiGi and fell into a deep, dreamless, sleep. I’m sure I had dreams, but I cannot remember. I woke up groggy today and really, really, sad. I put on my best smile, got showered, dressed, and put on my best mommy face for your brothers as I took them to school. After drop off, I came home and now here I sit. In bed. I’m wearing the “Fuck God,” shirt that I had made. Yup. I did. “Fuck God,” on the front and “Fuck Cancer, too,” on the back. Deal with it. If you are up there, Ro…. playing on your white, fluffy cloud, while chasing around Master Yoda, and hanging out with “God,” can you ask him a few things for me?? I have some questions that he needs to answer. I really don’t think “he,” exists, but humor me because everyone else seems to believe in him. Can you ask him, if he is really the one in charge of this world, then why he would have allowed this to happen?? What makes him think that he loves you more than I love you?? Because that is not fucking possible. Then can you please give him a swift kick in the balls for me for taking you away to be with him. What a selfish PRICK. Can you please ask him, if he is real, than what makes him think that you were supposed to be the “chosen one.” I highly doubt you wanted to be the lucky one, to leave this earth, so you could go and do something better with your time. I know all you want is to be here with me. With your Daddy and brothers, playing football or Rockband. Causing trouble every where you went, all while melting everyone who came into contact with you, with your big blue eyes and beautiful, perfect face. Can you ask God, what mother deserves to go thought this?? And how he decides this?? How in the world can he justify the Hell he is putting me through? If he gives you some bullshit answer, such as heaven needed anther angel, can you please kick him in the balls for me again. You are indeed an angel, baby. But not the kind that needed to go to heaven. You were my angel and were meant to be here on this earth, for a very long time. I am really pissed at “God,” and his fucking plan for you. I am your mom, I am the one who was supposed to make a plan for you. My plan, never in a million years, would have involved you getting cancer and dying from it. If God gives you some justifiable answers…. which is bullshit because there are not any…. than I guess you can give him a hug for me. You can also tell him, the only way that I will forgive him is if this life is not truly the life we were meant to live together. That after this Hell of a life that is now mine, the next life I live will be spent with you and we will be together for a thousand years. I will survive this Hell of a life, holding on to that little sliver of hope that you are waiting for me on the other side and we will get to come back to live happily ever after, the next time around. God has a lot of fucking making up to do. Fucking Asshole.
The tears are endless today and I’m not leaving bed until I have to get your brothers from school. I’m hiding today as I deserve to. It’s been a while since I’ve done this and I am feeling really beat down from all the constant going, going, going…..that I have done. Yesterday, I met with Dr. Joanne. I was crying before I even got to the elevator to go up to her office. She had me do some homework that I finished and brought to our session. It involved sitting with the words I had written, 2 days after your diagnoses. I took those words, and wrote myself a letter from you. I read it out loud to her and cried while doing so. We talked a lot about my letter from you. I told her how you always called me, Mama… never Mommy or Mom. I loved hearing the way you called me Mama, so much. It was one of my favorite things about this life. We talked a lot about you, me, and my grief, Inferno Fuckwad Bob. The work I do with her is always hard, but it is worth it as I leave there feeling as if I am making progress. I am surprised how easily is has been for me to just let the floodgates open with her. I know a big part of this is because when Dr. Joanne works with me, she does not push me… she pulls me. There is a big difference and we both know I don’t do well with people who push me. I will instantly throw up a big block wall and you will never get in. It’s my defense mechanism. I like to be pulled; I am o.k. with that. I can handle that.
We sat and talked about how everything I am feeling is normal. She told me that she has worked with a lot of people in her time, but not many choose to face the darkness head on like I am. I appreciated that. Darkness is inevitable in all of this. I don’t want to be afraid of it which is why I am choosing to embrace it, be open and honest about it. I often feel like I am a 10-year-old little girl again, who is lost in a big, black, dark forest. I know I have to keep walking and I cannot stop. I know there will come a time, when the thickness of the trees will clear, a bit of sunlight will peak through, and what awaits me is a huge, open field of flowers with you running through them to get to me. I’m not giving up on that picture, Ro. But I have a lot of walking to do, before I am going to get there. I am not afraid of the dark as long as I have you by my side, in any way shape or form. I know you loved me too much to have left me alone in this world without you. Our love will survive the darkness that surrounds me. You are my little light that will guide me through.
Last night, I went to a concert. Foster the People. FTP. Or as my lovie, who shall remain nameless, called them, “FTP….. yeah, it stands for Fuck the Police.” Dying laughing right now. Her words were in response to some guy that was hitting on her and he asked her if she knew what FTP meant. That was her smartass, genius response. I had a beautiful night, surrounded by amazing music and girls. You would love this band, Ronan. They are freaking amazeballs. If I were 18, I would totally abandon whatever I was doing and follow them around the country. Mark my words, they are going to be HUGE. We saw them play in a really small venue last night which is always the best. I’ll bet the next time that band tours, they will be playing in huge Arenas as I know they are going to blow up. Everybody needs this C.D. in their life. Oh, Foster. How I love you so. Monica…. thank you for swinging that extra ticket my way last night. It was just what the doctor ordered. You are a doll. As for you, FTP….. do you live inside my head? Your C.D., is the soundtrack for this hellish life that I live. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being Rockstars…. I hope you always stay true to your preppy, nerdy, smart, and passionate ways. You will forever own a piece of my heart because your music is such an escape for me. Thank you for being awesome. A band that Ronan would have LOVED. He had the best taste in music.
Alright little man. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. I am tired after my day of crying and being angry at the world. It gets to be exhausting, feeling so many deep emotions that I have no control over. Please visit me tonight. Please let me know you are o.k. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Ronan. This picture haunts me. Those eyes say it all. Did you know? Did you know you were going to leave me all along? Did you know that Mama wasn’t going to be able to save you, even after I promised you I would. I broke my promise to you. I failed you. I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you. I sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry for everything. I know you forgive me. But I will never forgive myself. Your eyes say it all, Ronan. You knew.