Love is enough


Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. Today was an o.k. day. I slept in with your brothers and we cuddled in bed for a long time this morning, just watching cartoons. It was a lazy morning, a quiet morning, a cuddly morning. I wish I could say that these mornings bring me peace, but they do not. They just make me miss you more. They just make me want you here so badly, where things were never quiet because you were always up to something.  I was always having to look after you because if I turned my back for a second, you would have done something crazy and silly. Now, without you, I don’t have to look over my shoulder at all times. I can go to the beach with Liam and Quinn and sit quietly without having to worry about them. They are big enough and independent enough that I can just let them be. I hate this so much. I don’t want to be the mom with nobody to look after at the beach. I don’t want to be the mom that doesn’t have to worry about you eating sand, throwing sand, running out too far in the ocean. I remember those days that I had to worry about all of those thing with you and I loved them so much. I miss them so much. I fucking hate this life without you.

Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and baby Chase all came over and we spent the day down at the beach. I sat quietly for a while and it was so peaceful that I couldn’t handle it. I soon got up and played football with your brothers. I drew a start and finish line in the sand and I raced them both a bunch of times. I watched them wrestle and throw sand at each other. I watched them be boys. Boys who are having to learn how to be brothers again without you. It is such a different dynamic now. I feel like a foreigner living in a different country trying to figure out this new life. How to fit in, how to adapt, and how to survive.

After our beach and pool time, we headed up to the condo to get showered and ready for dinner. I talked the Lunds into staying with us for a day or two. We love having them here and your daddy was so excited that they said yes as he was going to miss out on seeing them due to being in Phoenix. We could really use some Thompson/Lund family time now. We ended up grabbing pizza in town and bringing it back to our place to eat. Laura and Kasey offered to watch the boys so I could head out for a run which I gladly took them up on. I have a new little route I’ve found and I’m loving it. It’s a perfect 6 miles total. It felt good and I of course talked to you a lot. I cried a lot on my run too. I wish I could think of something other than the last few hours of your life, but as of now, it is those memories that consume me on my runs. I go over and over them in my head. I go over and over what we could have done differently. This always upsets me and it is always while running that these are the things I think about. I remember every second of your death, every detail, every moment. It is as if they are frozen in time and oddly, as sad as these memories make me… I treasure them too. I talked to you tonight after my run as I was cooling off. I yelled your name, I yelled up to the moon that I loved you. I then started to cry and begged for you to let me be with you. To take me with you as I don’t want to be here without you. I want to be with you, wherever you are, together forever. I don’t want this life without you. But unfortunately, this is not my choice to make. If you wanted me with you badly enough, you would find a way to take me with you. I will wait for you, for however long it takes for us to be reunited. I know it would make you too sad to have me not be here for your daddy and brothers, but honestly Ronan, some days all I want is to be gone with you.

Your daddy arrived tonight so I went to pick him up and Uncle Kasey went with me. We stopped by your Daddy’s favorite brewing company here to refill his “Growlers.” I don’t really know what they are, except they are two huge jugs and they fill them up with different beers. I knew your Daddy would be needing a beer tonight after his had few days at work. I was happy to see him and so was Kasey. The “Bromance,” between those two continues. We came back to our place where sleepy kids awaited us, but your daddy and Kasey wanted to hang out. Being the lovely wives that Laura and I are, we happily sent them on their way to some bar on the island. It’s some guy time that your daddy really needs right now and Kasey is the best medicine for him. I hope they stay out as late as possible, drink their selves silly, and your daddy is able to let go and enjoy himself for a few hours. He deserves it.

Last night, before I went to sleep he sent me the sweetest test message. He said, “I love you. You are strong, stubborn, witty, articulate, and sexy. Night night.” That daddy of yours made this mommy smile so big. I know you know how hard things have been for us. How in the world do two grieving parents get though this, stay married, while trying to raise a family? It’s got to be the most stressful thing on a marriage in the world. I don’t know what the secret to all of this is, but we are doing it. Even on the days where I want to run away and never come back because there is too much pain and sadness everywhere I look. Even on the days that I just want to disappear, and run away to Vietnam with Tricia….. I won’t. I can’t. I guess it’s simple. It’s because your daddy loves me and I love him. Love will be enough to get us through this. Love is enough.

I have to go to sleep now baby. It’s late. I’m tired and the Ambien is kicking in. Goodnight my sweet baby boy. I love you to the moon and back. Please be safe, please be happy, please don’t cry. I promise I will meet up with you again. I cannot wait for that day to come, but I will wait for you to take my hand and come and get me. I love you so much, my little seal.

xoxo

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10 thoughts on “Love is enough

  1. Amanda K

    I haven’t posted in a while although I have read every entry and prayed for you and your family every night. I thought of you and Ronan a lot today. My dear friend lost her son 3 years ago. He was 3 1/2 when he passed unexpectedly. I listened to her go through a lot of the things you are feeling now and talked to her for hours on end trying to make sense of it all. When it all comes down to it…there is no sense to it. Her house was so quiet with him gone…things, moments, memories frozen in time. Her life keeps moving forward but…part of her stays with him, in that part of her life when he was there. I see it in her eyes when we talk now…even when we are talking about stupid shit like toothpaste or our favorite Starbucks drink….I can see that slight distraction in her eyes…that small disconnection from the present moment. There are words like widow or orphan to describe people who have lost loved ones but there is no word that describes a mom who has lost her child because, I believe, it would try to sum up something that is impossible to grasp.

    So, I pray for you as I have prayed for her every night since Easter 2008. I hope you continue to find your way into the light that he gave you and out of the darkness he left. You are an amazing woman with an amazing group of people all holding their hands out ready to catch you should you fall. I hope Ronan visits you tonight and causes some happy trouble.

  2. Rachel

    Maya I just want to thank you for you for sharing your words, your emotions, your pain. My son died after only living a short time on this earth, and at the time it was crushing for my husband and I. I was experiencing emotions that were so hard to articulate, and the pain was so raw – and the part that was confusing about it all, was that these feelings were this intense about a little boy that I didn’t even know. I’d never seen his first smile, heard his words – none of that. My husband and I too quickly realized that there are two paths your marriage can take when something like this happens, and we had to chose every day to make it work, to be true and honest and sharing and tolerant. Even seven years and two little girls later, the pain hits me around his birthday, and now that I see through my daughters the life that he misses, it brings a very different sadness. I have often said to people that while my grief seemed horrible, it was never what I would imagine as the level of grief as a parent who loses a child they knew; a child they raised, experienced, a child they fought for. Your words bring all the things that I imagine to light. I feel compelled to come here every day. It’s how I start my mornings – to see how you are, and get my daily dose of the life that could be, and to remind myself how good and perfect that my life is for me, and not to spend my time on the things that don’t matter. This was a particularly tough week for me at work, and I thought to myself several times, how so many people would trade anything to have my tough week. It’s what I needed, and your perspective is a gift. I hope pray that every day, even if it’s small, you can find something to smile about. Take care today.

  3. eleni

    Hi Maya, i was in my car this morning and Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain” came on the radio. I instantly thought of you and Ronan. I cried as i sipped my dunkin donuts coffee thinking OMG i need to tell her to listen to this song!! I am pregnant with my first baby and i am due in a few days so i have been very emotional lately especially after reading your heartfelt blogs. I don’t understand why shit likes this happens to good people and the crack heads of the world go on with no worries.

  4. Laura

    Glad you all have good friends there that will help you relax a little more. Your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a fabulous weekend and can enjoy. Ialso hope the sun comes out and shine brightly for you all. All our love,

  5. Jaime Harris

    Thank God for Woody, the twins and your friends and family. So glad you have them in your life!! I’m still holding you all in my thoughts and prayers Maya!! Thinking of you, praying for you…

  6. Glenda

    Maya…

    I think about you every day and pray you are having an ok day. I think of Rockstar Ro every day too. His beautiful blue eyes. When my daughter tells me “I love you to the moon and back” it reminds me of Ro and you! When I’m at the stores and I see Paul Frank I smile and think of Ro!

    Ronan…someone I never had the pleasure or opportunity of meeting, but someone as beautiful as he is capturing my heart. I wear his purple bracelet proudly. I look at it and say that’s right “FU Cancer”. When night falls and I see the stars in the sky, I think of Ro! I hope some day to have the pleasure of meeting you and our paths crossing.

    I hope you had a restful night and had sweet dreams of Ro.

    I’m so glad you have Woody, Liam and Quinn and amazing friends that lift you up! May the sun shine today on that beach….enjoy the waves.

    XO

  7. Angel

    I have written to you a few times. I try to only write when I have something to say that is wise or may helpful, then I realize nothing helps. I too am surviving loss. Not a child, but my sister. She was my best friend. It will be 3 years in September. My son was 2 when she died and I was 31 weeks pregnant with my daughter when she passed. My kids and husband were the only reason I felt like surviving the pain of missing my sister. Her memories haunted me everywhere I went. Everything I looked at, every song I heard. I couldn’t wrap my head around never hugging her, or smelling her beautiful hair, or even having her hold my daughter when she was born She was a pediatric nurse and was really good at her job. She was a very special soul. For so long all I could think about was how she died, and what she went through. It was stuck in my head and replayed over and over. Anyway, she had a 4 year old daughter at the time and the entire thing was just so sad it ripped are hearts out. Our family didn’t hold together as amazing and graceful as yours. I truly believe you had the perfect life. It makes absolutely no sense why your beautiful son Ronan was taken from you. I truly believe you have gone through the absolute worst thing a mother/family could ever go through. I developed an anxiety disorder after her death. I have to take medication now to calm myself down. I too had the “no fear” feeling inside my soul. The only thing I feared was losing another person close to me. That pain I could not endure again.
    I was actually feeling like I wanted to ask you a few questions. I have followed your story for a very long time and feel like I know you, but I really don’t. So, I would love to hear your story. I would enjoy hearing how you and Woody met and fell in love. I would love to hear what life was like when the twins came along. How life was like when you had Ronan? You are such an amazing person to me I am totally entranced by your personality and your raw honesty. You are one in a million Maya. I know you probably don’t feel it or see it right now. But I KNOW you are because of all the people who surround you. You have more friends than anyone I have ever heard of. You are amazing for waking up each morning and still inviting people into your life You are amazing for not hiding out and living in solatude. You are surviving. You are not afraid to cry whenever you need to. You are surviving because you show your anger when you need to. You don’t hold anything back. I think you are the most amazing person I have ever heard. Your husband and twins are so absolutely lucky to have you. I know you may not even read my opinion or my story which is totally fine. I just felt the need to share a little with you and ask those questions I have been really wanting to ask. Thank you Maya for sharing your life with everyone. Thank you for being brave even when you don’t feel brave. Thank you for being strong even when you don’t feel strong. Thank you for writing even when you don’t feel like it. I truly believe 100% Ronan can hear you. You say how lucky you were to have him, he was just as lucky to have you as his mother. Take care Maya. I enjoy the videos you put on here of your gorgeous son and the songs you pick for your boy. Thank you.

  8. A

    Maya, Alicia Key’s “Superwoman” came on today. I thought of you:). Thought this may be a good song to add to your playlist for your nightly run!
    Sending lots of love your way!!! xoxo

  9. kim

    so glad you have woody, your little angels, liam and quinn and so many wonderful people in your life to support you and surround you with their love everyday! its sounds like you have a pretty amazing group of people in your life! you and ro are in my thoughts everyday! recently made it to the water n ice store and have been rocking my ronan bracelet ever since!

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