Fucking First Father’s Day without you

Ronan. First Father’s Day without you done and over with. We survived. Somehow, I pushed on and got through the day. We slept in a bit, got up and all decided to get ready and head out to our new favorite breakfast place called Urban Solace. I gave your Daddy his Father’s Day card and gift. The hardest part was writing out his card after Liam and Quinn had signed it and I wrote my little I love you to him. I signed it from the both of us and bawled while I wrote your name after mine. I gave your Daddy his gift and card and we took some time to just hug each other and cry. There were a lot of tears this morning which was good, because I needed to get them out before I could go on with the rest of the day.

Kasey and Laura packed up all of their stuff so they could leave after breakfast and off we went. This place we have discovered in an area called North Park in San Diego is breakfast heaven. They do a thing called a “Blunch,” which is their version of breakfast and lunch. OMG. The food is heaven and even I, who can’t muster up much of an appetite, still managed to eat a pretty good breakfast this morning. The food is too good to pass up. It’s the place where I talked of before where they have sugar cubes on the table and I could picture you throwing them across the table at your brothers. You were missed today, my darling. Father’s Day was so incomplete without you. We managed to enjoy our breakfast and soaked up our final hour with the Lunds before they headed back to Palm Desert. We were sad to part ways and made a promise to not wait so long to see each other again. I miss them already and I told Laura the place here was much too quiet without them. The quietness that I hate now. I remember how I used to crave it in my previous life. Now the quiet that surrounds us is just pure torture.

After our “blunch,” we came back to our condo and I took a little nap with Quinny. After we woke up, we hung around here for a bit and then walked over to Mimi and Papa’s for dinner. We sat around with them for about an hour and then your Daddy decided he wanted Frozen Yogurt. I was itching to get my run in and Liam just wanted to stay with Mimi and Papa. Your Daddy and Quinn walked into town to get their yogurt fix and I headed out for my run. It was a fast 6 miles tonight. It’s my only little piece of heaven now. Running seems to be the only way I can get out all of my feelings, anger, sadness, and emotions. I think about you and make you push me to run faster and harder. It feels good to me which is saying a lot because as of now, nothing really feels good. Out of all of this I’m learning how important physical activity is to me. It has always been a big part of my life, but now it’s a little out of control. I had a time in my life where it was an obsession of mine and I can feel it starting to come back again. On the days that I don’t run or surf, I sit and obsess about it. It seems to be my only release. As I’ve said before, it’s such a different kind of pain that I feel all day everyday now. The pain of being physical and pushing myself is a vacation from the kind of pain that now controls my life.

After my run, I went and picked up Liam from Mimi and Papa’s. I said that we should go for a late night swim and hot tub. We grabbed your Daddy and Quinn and headed to the pool. It was some nice family time and a good way to end the night. You would have loved it. I missed you so much. I thought about how crazy you would have been down there with us and how I would have had to bundle you up after we were done and carry you up to our place, put on your cozy pajamas and then, I would have cuddled up to you in bed and watched you fall asleep. For something so simple, the thought of doing this with you sounds like the best thing in the world. I love you so much, Ronan. I’m going to end this with you tonight before I get too sad. I still worry about you like you were living among us. I worry about you as much as I worry about Liam and Quinn. I will worry about you for the rest of my life. G’nite my little man. Another Fucking First down. I think this is it for a while. Although, 4th of July is coming up. UGH. Forgot about that one. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fourth of July without you. This is getting ridiculous. I may have to be fully sedated for that day. Thank God I’ll have your Nana and New York Miss Macy here to help me though it. I love you to the moon and back, baby.

Dearest Daddy Woo, this is for you.

I’m sorry for your first Father’s Day without Ronan. I’m sorry that he is gone. I’m sorry that you hurt. But I am thankful too. Thankful for your strength, thankful for your heart, your undying love for us, thankful that you are such an amazing man that you are able to hold us all together. You are the most amazing man, attorney, father, husband, and the love of my life. I truly think you are the most amazing man that was put on this earth and everyday,  feel so lucky to wake  up beside you and so proud and honored to be your wife. Thank you for being the truest man alive, for being my equal in life, for loving me at my worst. Ronan was so lucky to have you as his Daddy and he loves you so much. I promise, someday, there will be less tears and more happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are such a good man; the last man that deserved to go through something like this. I am so proud of you, so thankful that at 21, I knew it was you I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I love you, Woo. Thank you for being my everything and refusing to let me go even when I push and push and push. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, as well as our beautiful boys. I love you.

Ending this tonight with something one of my new friends sent me all the way from the UK. Thanks Michelle.

xoxo

I lost my child today,
People came to weep
And cry as I just sat
And stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find
Words to say to try
And make the pain
Go away. I walked the
Floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went
Away. Some still call and
Some still stay. I wait to
Wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real, —
I want to scream.
Yet Everything is locked
Inside, god, help me
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came,
Have gone. I sit and
Struggle all day long, to
Bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just
Question, why? Why does
This mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
Old song. Good heavens,
It has been so long,
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on
For me. The numbness, it has
Disappeared, my eyes have
Now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave
This place”. Yet i am trapped.
Right here in time, the songs,
The same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…..today.

This about sums it up. Whoever wrote this put this in to words, perfectly.

G’nite to all the lucky Father’s out there today. I hope you had a wonderful day basking in the glow of your beautiful children. Sweet dreams all.

Love is enough

Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. Today was an o.k. day. I slept in with your brothers and we cuddled in bed for a long time this morning, just watching cartoons. It was a lazy morning, a quiet morning, a cuddly morning. I wish I could say that these mornings bring me peace, but they do not. They just make me miss you more. They just make me want you here so badly, where things were never quiet because you were always up to something.  I was always having to look after you because if I turned my back for a second, you would have done something crazy and silly. Now, without you, I don’t have to look over my shoulder at all times. I can go to the beach with Liam and Quinn and sit quietly without having to worry about them. They are big enough and independent enough that I can just let them be. I hate this so much. I don’t want to be the mom with nobody to look after at the beach. I don’t want to be the mom that doesn’t have to worry about you eating sand, throwing sand, running out too far in the ocean. I remember those days that I had to worry about all of those thing with you and I loved them so much. I miss them so much. I fucking hate this life without you.

Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and baby Chase all came over and we spent the day down at the beach. I sat quietly for a while and it was so peaceful that I couldn’t handle it. I soon got up and played football with your brothers. I drew a start and finish line in the sand and I raced them both a bunch of times. I watched them wrestle and throw sand at each other. I watched them be boys. Boys who are having to learn how to be brothers again without you. It is such a different dynamic now. I feel like a foreigner living in a different country trying to figure out this new life. How to fit in, how to adapt, and how to survive.

After our beach and pool time, we headed up to the condo to get showered and ready for dinner. I talked the Lunds into staying with us for a day or two. We love having them here and your daddy was so excited that they said yes as he was going to miss out on seeing them due to being in Phoenix. We could really use some Thompson/Lund family time now. We ended up grabbing pizza in town and bringing it back to our place to eat. Laura and Kasey offered to watch the boys so I could head out for a run which I gladly took them up on. I have a new little route I’ve found and I’m loving it. It’s a perfect 6 miles total. It felt good and I of course talked to you a lot. I cried a lot on my run too. I wish I could think of something other than the last few hours of your life, but as of now, it is those memories that consume me on my runs. I go over and over them in my head. I go over and over what we could have done differently. This always upsets me and it is always while running that these are the things I think about. I remember every second of your death, every detail, every moment. It is as if they are frozen in time and oddly, as sad as these memories make me… I treasure them too. I talked to you tonight after my run as I was cooling off. I yelled your name, I yelled up to the moon that I loved you. I then started to cry and begged for you to let me be with you. To take me with you as I don’t want to be here without you. I want to be with you, wherever you are, together forever. I don’t want this life without you. But unfortunately, this is not my choice to make. If you wanted me with you badly enough, you would find a way to take me with you. I will wait for you, for however long it takes for us to be reunited. I know it would make you too sad to have me not be here for your daddy and brothers, but honestly Ronan, some days all I want is to be gone with you.

Your daddy arrived tonight so I went to pick him up and Uncle Kasey went with me. We stopped by your Daddy’s favorite brewing company here to refill his “Growlers.” I don’t really know what they are, except they are two huge jugs and they fill them up with different beers. I knew your Daddy would be needing a beer tonight after his had few days at work. I was happy to see him and so was Kasey. The “Bromance,” between those two continues. We came back to our place where sleepy kids awaited us, but your daddy and Kasey wanted to hang out. Being the lovely wives that Laura and I are, we happily sent them on their way to some bar on the island. It’s some guy time that your daddy really needs right now and Kasey is the best medicine for him. I hope they stay out as late as possible, drink their selves silly, and your daddy is able to let go and enjoy himself for a few hours. He deserves it.

Last night, before I went to sleep he sent me the sweetest test message. He said, “I love you. You are strong, stubborn, witty, articulate, and sexy. Night night.” That daddy of yours made this mommy smile so big. I know you know how hard things have been for us. How in the world do two grieving parents get though this, stay married, while trying to raise a family? It’s got to be the most stressful thing on a marriage in the world. I don’t know what the secret to all of this is, but we are doing it. Even on the days where I want to run away and never come back because there is too much pain and sadness everywhere I look. Even on the days that I just want to disappear, and run away to Vietnam with Tricia….. I won’t. I can’t. I guess it’s simple. It’s because your daddy loves me and I love him. Love will be enough to get us through this. Love is enough.

I have to go to sleep now baby. It’s late. I’m tired and the Ambien is kicking in. Goodnight my sweet baby boy. I love you to the moon and back. Please be safe, please be happy, please don’t cry. I promise I will meet up with you again. I cannot wait for that day to come, but I will wait for you to take my hand and come and get me. I love you so much, my little seal.

xoxo