Fucking First Father’s Day without you


Ronan. First Father’s Day without you done and over with. We survived. Somehow, I pushed on and got through the day. We slept in a bit, got up and all decided to get ready and head out to our new favorite breakfast place called Urban Solace. I gave your Daddy his Father’s Day card and gift. The hardest part was writing out his card after Liam and Quinn had signed it and I wrote my little I love you to him. I signed it from the both of us and bawled while I wrote your name after mine. I gave your Daddy his gift and card and we took some time to just hug each other and cry. There were a lot of tears this morning which was good, because I needed to get them out before I could go on with the rest of the day.

Kasey and Laura packed up all of their stuff so they could leave after breakfast and off we went. This place we have discovered in an area called North Park in San Diego is breakfast heaven. They do a thing called a “Blunch,” which is their version of breakfast and lunch. OMG. The food is heaven and even I, who can’t muster up much of an appetite, still managed to eat a pretty good breakfast this morning. The food is too good to pass up. It’s the place where I talked of before where they have sugar cubes on the table and I could picture you throwing them across the table at your brothers. You were missed today, my darling. Father’s Day was so incomplete without you. We managed to enjoy our breakfast and soaked up our final hour with the Lunds before they headed back to Palm Desert. We were sad to part ways and made a promise to not wait so long to see each other again. I miss them already and I told Laura the place here was much too quiet without them. The quietness that I hate now. I remember how I used to crave it in my previous life. Now the quiet that surrounds us is just pure torture.

After our “blunch,” we came back to our condo and I took a little nap with Quinny. After we woke up, we hung around here for a bit and then walked over to Mimi and Papa’s for dinner. We sat around with them for about an hour and then your Daddy decided he wanted Frozen Yogurt. I was itching to get my run in and Liam just wanted to stay with Mimi and Papa. Your Daddy and Quinn walked into town to get their yogurt fix and I headed out for my run. It was a fast 6 miles tonight. It’s my only little piece of heaven now. Running seems to be the only way I can get out all of my feelings, anger, sadness, and emotions. I think about you and make you push me to run faster and harder. It feels good to me which is saying a lot because as of now, nothing really feels good. Out of all of this I’m learning how important physical activity is to me. It has always been a big part of my life, but now it’s a little out of control. I had a time in my life where it was an obsession of mine and I can feel it starting to come back again. On the days that I don’t run or surf, I sit and obsess about it. It seems to be my only release. As I’ve said before, it’s such a different kind of pain that I feel all day everyday now. The pain of being physical and pushing myself is a vacation from the kind of pain that now controls my life.

After my run, I went and picked up Liam from Mimi and Papa’s. I said that we should go for a late night swim and hot tub. We grabbed your Daddy and Quinn and headed to the pool. It was some nice family time and a good way to end the night. You would have loved it. I missed you so much. I thought about how crazy you would have been down there with us and how I would have had to bundle you up after we were done and carry you up to our place, put on your cozy pajamas and then, I would have cuddled up to you in bed and watched you fall asleep. For something so simple, the thought of doing this with you sounds like the best thing in the world. I love you so much, Ronan. I’m going to end this with you tonight before I get too sad. I still worry about you like you were living among us. I worry about you as much as I worry about Liam and Quinn. I will worry about you for the rest of my life. G’nite my little man. Another Fucking First down. I think this is it for a while. Although, 4th of July is coming up. UGH. Forgot about that one. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fourth of July without you. This is getting ridiculous. I may have to be fully sedated for that day. Thank God I’ll have your Nana and New York Miss Macy here to help me though it. I love you to the moon and back, baby.

Dearest Daddy Woo, this is for you.

I’m sorry for your first Father’s Day without Ronan. I’m sorry that he is gone. I’m sorry that you hurt. But I am thankful too. Thankful for your strength, thankful for your heart, your undying love for us, thankful that you are such an amazing man that you are able to hold us all together. You are the most amazing man, attorney, father, husband, and the love of my life. I truly think you are the most amazing man that was put on this earth and everyday,  feel so lucky to wake  up beside you and so proud and honored to be your wife. Thank you for being the truest man alive, for being my equal in life, for loving me at my worst. Ronan was so lucky to have you as his Daddy and he loves you so much. I promise, someday, there will be less tears and more happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are such a good man; the last man that deserved to go through something like this. I am so proud of you, so thankful that at 21, I knew it was you I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I love you, Woo. Thank you for being my everything and refusing to let me go even when I push and push and push. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, as well as our beautiful boys. I love you.

Ending this tonight with something one of my new friends sent me all the way from the UK. Thanks Michelle.

xoxo

I lost my child today,
People came to weep
And cry as I just sat
And stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find
Words to say to try
And make the pain
Go away. I walked the
Floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went
Away. Some still call and
Some still stay. I wait to
Wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real, —
I want to scream.
Yet Everything is locked
Inside, god, help me
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came,
Have gone. I sit and
Struggle all day long, to
Bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just
Question, why? Why does
This mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
Old song. Good heavens,
It has been so long,
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on
For me. The numbness, it has
Disappeared, my eyes have
Now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave
This place”. Yet i am trapped.
Right here in time, the songs,
The same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…..today.

This about sums it up. Whoever wrote this put this in to words, perfectly.

G’nite to all the lucky Father’s out there today. I hope you had a wonderful day basking in the glow of your beautiful children. Sweet dreams all.

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13 thoughts on “Fucking First Father’s Day without you

  1. Jeff Bishop

    Woody, Happy fathers day. You and your family have been in my familys thoughts for some time. Get in touch with me some time please really do get in touch with me. I have some thoughts I want to run by you and your wonderful wife whom is true and I adore. Do get in touch with me please. Jeff Bishop

  2. Amy

    Happy Father’s Day Woody!
    Maya, it’s so excellent to go get your endorphins (the high from exercise) out & moving. I remember Cher saying, in an article,if she didn’t use exercise to release those endorphins, she could flip over a car! So happy for you that you are getting that release! hugs & kisses to all – Amy

  3. Michelle H.

    Continuing to hold you in thought and prayer…glad you survived another first, a very tough one at that. You are doing it by continuing to put one foot in front of another and are doing an incredible job. Thank you for continuing to share…it blesses so many! Much love~ michelle

  4. Jen Searle

    Still thinking of you and praying for you guys every single day since the day I met you, Maya, and Ro, on that plane. You’re all doing an amazing job – because you’re an amazing family that loves each other. Love and hugs, Jen

  5. Laura

    Thinking of you and your whole family. Glad you made it thru another mile stone day. You are amazing, just keep going one day at a time, step by step. You should be so proud of yourself that you are doing a beautiful job make it through all of this, it has been such a short time. All our love, thoughts and prayers to your entire family. This week is suppose be a beautiful and warmer week, enjoy!

  6. Marcia

    Maya, I want you to know that I think about Ronan and your family all the time. I came across this poem a while ago and thought you should have it. Love all the way from Canada.

    Ugly Shoes

    I am wearing a pair of shoes.
    They are ugly shoes.
    Uncomfortable Shoes.
    I hate my shoes.
    Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
    Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
    Yet, I continue to wear them.
    I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
    They are looks of sympathy.
    I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
    They never talk about my shoes.
    To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
    To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
    But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
    I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
    There are many pairs in the world.
    Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
    Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
    Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
    before they think of how much they hurt.
    No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
    Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
    These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
    They have made me who I am.
    I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

    Author Unknown

  7. marcy lyon

    hi maya!

    glad you made it through yesterday. you continue to amaze me day after day! i really hope you can feel all of the love you receive from all over the world, and gain some strength and peace from it.

    i like the new blog look!

    i hope you have a good day today 🙂

    sending many hugs and much love to you, woody, liam and quinn!

    ~marcy

  8. mariancutler

    There are no words. There never will be the right ones. But, oh though I had them to offer. I’m one of the thousands (based on your visitor counter) walking behind you. You’re like a shield for most of us, walking a line we’re scared to death to stop out from, secretly thankful it’s not us. But, we all share your pain … not as deeply, but it is a shared burden. I trust as cathartic as the runs and rants are for you that the release through readership helps a small bit. I will continue with you on this journey regardless of length or storm. Don’t stop, Maya.

    Marian

  9. Glenda

    Maya,

    So glad you made it through yesterday OK.
    So glad you have Woody, Liam and Quinn and they have you!
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!
    Sending you hugs… peace and strength!
    xo
    p.s. love the new look and color on your blog!

  10. kim

    maya,
    i’m not sure if you’re a movie lover but i recently watched this movie called “rabbit hole” with nicole kidman. unfortunately, it is a sad tear jerker though. the movie is about nicole kidman and her husband dealing with the sudden loss of their son. the circumstances of their son’s death are very different from ro’s so this is not a comparrison at all! anyway there’s a part in the movie that made me think of you. nicole kidman is in the basement with her mom doing laundry. her mom also lost her son under very different circumstances as well. nicole kidman’s character asks her mom if it ever gets easier or better. and her mom said something along the lines of “the pain and hurt you carry around is kind of like this brick in your pocket that you always carry with you. and at some point carrying that unforgettable pain around somehow becomes a little more bearable. you never forget its there of course because its always there that “brick” in your pocket.” mind you i am paraphrasing a bit so it’s not the line verbatim but it made me think of you and ro. i can’t even begin to imagine how much hurt and frustration, and loss you are feeling. and i know the loss of ro will never be forgotten and that pain will never go away but my sincerest hope for you maya and your family is that the pain will become a little more bearable over time and that there will be happy days with less tears to look forward to in the future. i know you and your family will get to that place in your own time. you sound like a fighter, full of determination and unwilling to just lie down and die. your strength and courage are such a gift of yours’, i hope you know that! i hope i wasn’t a complete idiot for sharing this movie with you. its a really good movie though (considering th content) so if you wver are interested in watching it i know you can find it on netflix and i think even redbox has it. but that specific line in the movie reminded me of you and i just had to share with you. not sure what genre of movies you love but one of my favs is amelie. its a french film (not sure if you like foreign films) but its such a delightful, magical movie..it makes me happy so in case you need something light and whimsical to watch that’s my suggestion!
    so happy you and your family celebrated your wonderful husband on father’s day even though ro wasn’t there. i know he was there watching you guys celebrating and probably sad he couldn’t be there to love on his dad but i’m sure he had a big smile on his face seeing his family spend time together!
    keep pounding out all those feelings and emotions on that pavement. i’m glad that is something you can look forward to each day and it sounds like it brings you a little peace too.
    xoxo

  11. Angie

    Maya,
    I was in my kickboxing class the other day and was thinking about you and Ronan and it felt really good to punch and kick the shit out of cancer (the air). Anyway, I really liked what the woman posted about the Halloween celebrations all throughout the year- you still get to celebrate what you love and forget all the other shitty holidays. I just have no good words, but I think about you and your whole family every day.

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