Fucking First Father’s Day without you

Ronan. First Father’s Day without you done and over with. We survived. Somehow, I pushed on and got through the day. We slept in a bit, got up and all decided to get ready and head out to our new favorite breakfast place called Urban Solace. I gave your Daddy his Father’s Day card and gift. The hardest part was writing out his card after Liam and Quinn had signed it and I wrote my little I love you to him. I signed it from the both of us and bawled while I wrote your name after mine. I gave your Daddy his gift and card and we took some time to just hug each other and cry. There were a lot of tears this morning which was good, because I needed to get them out before I could go on with the rest of the day.

Kasey and Laura packed up all of their stuff so they could leave after breakfast and off we went. This place we have discovered in an area called North Park in San Diego is breakfast heaven. They do a thing called a “Blunch,” which is their version of breakfast and lunch. OMG. The food is heaven and even I, who can’t muster up much of an appetite, still managed to eat a pretty good breakfast this morning. The food is too good to pass up. It’s the place where I talked of before where they have sugar cubes on the table and I could picture you throwing them across the table at your brothers. You were missed today, my darling. Father’s Day was so incomplete without you. We managed to enjoy our breakfast and soaked up our final hour with the Lunds before they headed back to Palm Desert. We were sad to part ways and made a promise to not wait so long to see each other again. I miss them already and I told Laura the place here was much too quiet without them. The quietness that I hate now. I remember how I used to crave it in my previous life. Now the quiet that surrounds us is just pure torture.

After our “blunch,” we came back to our condo and I took a little nap with Quinny. After we woke up, we hung around here for a bit and then walked over to Mimi and Papa’s for dinner. We sat around with them for about an hour and then your Daddy decided he wanted Frozen Yogurt. I was itching to get my run in and Liam just wanted to stay with Mimi and Papa. Your Daddy and Quinn walked into town to get their yogurt fix and I headed out for my run. It was a fast 6 miles tonight. It’s my only little piece of heaven now. Running seems to be the only way I can get out all of my feelings, anger, sadness, and emotions. I think about you and make you push me to run faster and harder. It feels good to me which is saying a lot because as of now, nothing really feels good. Out of all of this I’m learning how important physical activity is to me. It has always been a big part of my life, but now it’s a little out of control. I had a time in my life where it was an obsession of mine and I can feel it starting to come back again. On the days that I don’t run or surf, I sit and obsess about it. It seems to be my only release. As I’ve said before, it’s such a different kind of pain that I feel all day everyday now. The pain of being physical and pushing myself is a vacation from the kind of pain that now controls my life.

After my run, I went and picked up Liam from Mimi and Papa’s. I said that we should go for a late night swim and hot tub. We grabbed your Daddy and Quinn and headed to the pool. It was some nice family time and a good way to end the night. You would have loved it. I missed you so much. I thought about how crazy you would have been down there with us and how I would have had to bundle you up after we were done and carry you up to our place, put on your cozy pajamas and then, I would have cuddled up to you in bed and watched you fall asleep. For something so simple, the thought of doing this with you sounds like the best thing in the world. I love you so much, Ronan. I’m going to end this with you tonight before I get too sad. I still worry about you like you were living among us. I worry about you as much as I worry about Liam and Quinn. I will worry about you for the rest of my life. G’nite my little man. Another Fucking First down. I think this is it for a while. Although, 4th of July is coming up. UGH. Forgot about that one. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fourth of July without you. This is getting ridiculous. I may have to be fully sedated for that day. Thank God I’ll have your Nana and New York Miss Macy here to help me though it. I love you to the moon and back, baby.

Dearest Daddy Woo, this is for you.

I’m sorry for your first Father’s Day without Ronan. I’m sorry that he is gone. I’m sorry that you hurt. But I am thankful too. Thankful for your strength, thankful for your heart, your undying love for us, thankful that you are such an amazing man that you are able to hold us all together. You are the most amazing man, attorney, father, husband, and the love of my life. I truly think you are the most amazing man that was put on this earth and everyday,  feel so lucky to wake  up beside you and so proud and honored to be your wife. Thank you for being the truest man alive, for being my equal in life, for loving me at my worst. Ronan was so lucky to have you as his Daddy and he loves you so much. I promise, someday, there will be less tears and more happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are such a good man; the last man that deserved to go through something like this. I am so proud of you, so thankful that at 21, I knew it was you I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I love you, Woo. Thank you for being my everything and refusing to let me go even when I push and push and push. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, as well as our beautiful boys. I love you.

Ending this tonight with something one of my new friends sent me all the way from the UK. Thanks Michelle.

xoxo

I lost my child today,
People came to weep
And cry as I just sat
And stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find
Words to say to try
And make the pain
Go away. I walked the
Floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went
Away. Some still call and
Some still stay. I wait to
Wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real, —
I want to scream.
Yet Everything is locked
Inside, god, help me
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came,
Have gone. I sit and
Struggle all day long, to
Bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just
Question, why? Why does
This mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
Old song. Good heavens,
It has been so long,
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on
For me. The numbness, it has
Disappeared, my eyes have
Now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave
This place”. Yet i am trapped.
Right here in time, the songs,
The same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…..today.

This about sums it up. Whoever wrote this put this in to words, perfectly.

G’nite to all the lucky Father’s out there today. I hope you had a wonderful day basking in the glow of your beautiful children. Sweet dreams all.

Fuck you fucking world

Ronan. I’d guess I’d better get used to these days of not knowing how I’m going to feel and what to expect. I guess I’d better, because yesterday was so hard, that today had no choice but to be better. The Frakes came over this morning to tell us goodbye as they had to head back to Phoenix. We were all sad to see them go; we loved having them here with us. After they left, we walked into town and had some breakfast. It turned out to be a sunny and nice day over here at the beach. Liam and Quinn were so anxious to get down to the beach with your cousins. We spent about 4 hours down there today. They had so much fun boogie boarding, playing in the sand, and running back and forth from the beach to the pool. I spent most of the day in the ocean, trying to surf. The waves were small today and they were breaking really close to shore. It was still nice to be out in the ocean, alone, thinking about you. I felt peaceful out there, a feeling that I never get to feel anymore. I guess I feel closer to you when I am closer to doing things more associated with the earth and this big world. Being in the ocean makes me feel vulnerable which in turn allows for my guard to come down and I have no choice but to sit back, open up my mind, and try to push away the pain to allow myself to feel something for you other than hurt and sadness. I like this surfing thing so I think I’ll stick with it. After our afternoon at the beach, we came back up to our place and got ready to head into town for dinner. Quinn was so cute and wanted to wear his “fancy Ronan” clothes to dinner. Little Fedora hat and all. It reminded us all of you so much. You loved the way I would dress you up in with your matching hat and clothes. The entire time we were at the pizza place, all I could think about was how much you would have gobbled up all of the pizza and loved it. It was strange sitting there without you. Too quiet and Liam and Quinn are too well behaved. I was missing your mischief so much tonight. Some kid at the table next to us was screaming and crying. It was music to my ears.

After we came home from dinner, we met up with your cousin, Layne, who is just a little bit older than Liam and Quinn. We met him in the grass with his mom and sister and they all came up to drop Layne off for a sleep over. After I got them settled, I headed out for a late run. I only did 4 miles, but it was fast. I sat after my run for a long time and talked to you and looked up at the stars. I kept going back to the last couple of days before you passed away. You weren’t really talking to me anymore, but I must have asked you 50 times, where you were going. I knew you were going away, and I wanted so badly to know where you were going. Every time you I would ask you this, you would yell at me that you were going “NOWHERE!” That brings me comfort now. It makes me think you didn’t really leave me, that you are still here, right beside me. I so wondered what was happening to your little mind, what things you were seeing, and all that unknown stuff scares me so badly still. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about you having to die, to go through all of that and I couldn’t go with you. I still can’t get over that you are not mine to take care of anymore. I promised you that we were going to get you all better, I promised you so many things, and now I am left with empty promises that I didn’t get to keep to you. I know this was all out of my control, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from taking over. Your dad and I used to have the conversation all the time about how we didn’t know what we would do if anything ever happened to you or your brothers. We would go over all the crazy things that could happen, like a car accident, one of you getting hit on your bike, getting kidnapped. We NEVER thought about one of you getting cancer. It was never even on our radar because in our world, that just didn’t happen to kids. We didn’t even choose to really look the other way about it, because we were so uneducated, that it just didn’t exist. And now look, Ro. You, the most precious gift to everyone in our family, are gone. Just like that. Poof. How can this be? Were you really mine? While I was sitting at the pool today, watching the 3o kids all run around, I actually thought this to myself in my head. Were your really real? How could I have had 3 such blissful years with you and then in a heartbeat, it was all taken away? What did I do in my life to deserve this? Was it because I cried when I found out that you were not a girl, but you were a boy at our ultrasound? I think about this all the time. How fucking stupid was I? After you were born though, the whole wanting a girl thing flew out the window. People would always ask if I wanted to try for a girl and my response was that I was so happy to have my 3 boys that I couldn’t picture it any other way. You three boys were the best thing to happen to me. Having 3 boys was a dream come true. I’m so lost without you, Ro. The last few days, I remember asking you what in the world I was going to do without you. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out. Life is broken beyond repair. But somehow, I have to hang on to the little that we have left, not for myself because I could care less about me….. but for your brothers and your Daddy. They are all that matter now. I can survive living like I’m buried alive. This is the burden I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will do it for you. You will forever be burned into my soul and I hope someday that the sadness will fade away just a bit and I will learn how to smile without it being so fake. Because of now, every smile that comes from my face is so forced and not real. I have to smile to keep the tears from falling and there is nothing natural about my smile now. It hides all the pain that I am feeling. I can put on an o.k. show to get me through the days, but it is exhausting.

Ronan. You should be here. All 3 boys are out in the livingroom now, chatting away and watching a movie. I cannot tell you how much having your cousins around this summer is saving us. Your brothers are enjoying them so much. It’s times like these when you find out how much family truly means. We are so blessed to have them all surrounding us. It worked out perfectly that they just happened to be here at the same time we are. We are so lucky to be so loved.

Do you know what else we did tonight? After we walked home from dinner, we went past the Hotel Del where your Daddy and I got married. Quinn took a picture of us in the exact spot where we said our wedding vows. Almost 10 years ago, Ro. Who would have known our happily ever after would have ended up with us having to watch one of our children die. FUCK YOU FUCKING WORLD. Why was somebody so pissed that we did have the perfect life, because we did. And I’m not ashamed to admit it because we worked hard to make it that way, although the perfect life did come easily to us. It was all based on being a good family who loved each other so much. A mom and dad who were best friends, 3 healthy boys, no drama, no stupid nonsense like drinking, drugs, lying, cheating….. we were just so happy and content with all of our little blessings. We were so content and felt so blessed. You know your dad would tell me every other day how lucky we were. We knew this, we embraced it, and we didn’t take it for granted. I’m so angry at how you were taken away from us and now we are left with all this pain and sadness. Complete bullshit. I know you know this. You, most of all, did not deserve any of this, Ronan. I love you and I miss you and I’m scared of the person I’m going to become without you. What if I can’t do this? What if this is all too much and I just end up pushing everyone away? Because as of now, I don’t like the person that I am. I’m ignoring all of my friends…. my best friend, and your Godmom, Tricia, included. Who does this? I do. Because I hurt so much that I don’t want anyone else to have to see me suffer. I would rather do this alone but I know that is not going to get me through this. I know this, but you know how stubborn I am. You were the same way, little man. I think I just need time. Time to be alone and grieve for you by myself. You lived inside of me for 9 months and after that you really didn’t leave my side for almost 4 years. Having you just gone, I feel like I am dead too. I just need some time to slowly come back to life and my independent self knows it is going to have to be on my terms. Guess it’s the Capricorn in me. I will let you help me though. When you know I am ready, I will be waiting for you. I’ll wait for you for eternity, my love.

That is all for tonight, sweet baby boy. Please don’t leave me. Please stay by my side. I need to know you are here. I need you to help me get through this because no one else can. I love you to the moon and back, Ro. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. To all you lovelies who came out last night. Thank you so much. My post was a little angry tonight, but only because of my heart that is broken into a million pieces. I cannot even describe to you how much I miss Ronan and how shattered our world is without him. I am so thankful for you all and how many of you that love us; please know that. I am so inspired by the event last night that I really want to turn it into a yearly thing. Next year, I know we can make it even more amazing although I heard from so many people how wonderful everything was. Next year, I will be strong enough to be there and I hope you can feel in my heart how beautiful I think you all are. Thank you again, a million times over. Ronan’s story has to continue on, our love story cannot end just because he is gone. It is because of all of you, that I know we can do this. His love, his beauty and his life will continue on because of all of you and the way I know his soul will be there guiding not only me, but you as well. Ronan had so much love, fire, and fight in his heart that I cannot wait to see what becomes of him and his story. Thank you all again. I love you so very much; even the people whom I don’t even know, but cannot wait to meet. Sweet dreams my dear friends. May your dreams be peaceful and full of love.

Here’s to you, Wooddawg. 9 years later, baby.

Today, 9 years ago, I was married to my best friend, the
love of my life, my Woody. The only person who has ever truly had
my heart. It was the happiest day of my life; until today. Today is
the happiest day of my life in a different way; a bittersweet way.
Never in a million years did I think that 9 years after I married
my husband, that I would be crying tears of joy because my baby’s
bone marrow scan came back as clean. Yes, that’s right, you heard
me, CLEAN! When Ronan was diagnosed, his bone marrow was filled
with 5-7 percent of Neuroblastoma. Now, it has come back as gone.
What does this mean you ask? It means a lot of things. It means
that the chemo is working, it means that the Neuroblastoma is going
to be easier to get rid of, it means that Ronan truly is kicking
cancer’s ass, and it means that we are once again, filled with so
much hope for our baby of ours. He truly is a force to be reckoned
with. Nothing can stop this baby, not even something as evil as
cancer. This is the best news we could have received today; the
best anniversary gift I could have ever asked for. It is truly a
miracle and proof that all of our prayers, love, energy, and
whatever else is out there, is working in our favor. We met with
Dr. La Quaglia today. He was serious and to the point, but also as
soon as he walked into the room, I knew. I knew that we were in the
right place and I knew that there is nobody in the world that I
would trust with the life of my child. It was like he had a circle
of angels surrounding him. I took one look in his eyes and the
trust was formed instantly. He of course told us how serious the
surgery was; he had to make sure we were aware of the risks. This
was hard for me to hear; but I know legally, he has to tell us
these things. He said on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst,
Ronan’s Neuroblastoma surgery was about a 3. I asked him how long
he anticipated the surgery taking and he looked at me and said, “As
long as it takes to do a perfect job.” Done and done. I know this
man is a gift from god and the only person that should be operating
on my child. With that said…. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE…. spend all
day Monday thinking and praying for Ronan. He will need it and we
will need it. I have never been more scared in my entire life. This
is a huge deal… he has to get through this. Just imagining my
baby going through this makes me sick to my stomach. But he is a
fighter and has proven that he can handle anything. He loves us all
too much to leave us.

Tonight, I am asking that you keep a little
girl in your prayers named Ashley. Her mom got in touch with me a
few months ago and her daughter, who is 7, was diagnosed about a
week after Ronan. Today, as Ro and I were trecking through the snow
to Sloan Kettering, I heard her mom yell out my name. I turned
around and there she was, Nicole, on her way to Sloan as well. She
introduced herself and said she has been following my blog for
quite some time now. Ashley, will have her surgery tomorrow, by Dr.
La Qualia. I know she is going to be fine, but as always, extra
prayers help. I will keep you posted and I will be thinking of her
all day. I saw Ashley today. She has the exact same sparkle and
strength in her eyes that Ronan has. She is going to be fine;
another beautiful survivor.

So, New York has completey healed my
love for running. It truly has become my therapy again. Last night,
I was crawling out of my skin, dying to run since it had been a day
since I had gotten to. I headed up to Central Park and ran about 6
miles on complete ice. It was dangerous, crazy, and completely
cathartic. Tonight, I did the same thing as well. Right now,
running is the only thing that is saving me. I don’t have my
therapist here…. and I so need to do a phone conference with her.
Running is my saving grace for the time being. I am going to come
back here and make the NYC marathon my bitch. Mark my words.
Today, I got to meet the new love of my life, Miss Macy:) She is somebody
that emailed me awhile back on my blog to say that she lived here
and if I needed anything to please call her. She is around my age,
and we have been keeping in touch for awhile now. Finally, I was
able to meet this little angel of ours. And what an angel she is.
She came through the RMH, all bundled up in her fur, toting gifts,
and as gorgeous as can be. Ronan and Quinn instantly fell in love
with her and I did too. She stayed for a couple of hours and we
entertained the boys the entire time. Ronan was flirting away, up
to all of his usual tricks. Macy could not have been more fun and
just what we needed to brighten our day. Thanks, Macy… as I said
before, I feel like I’ve known you forever. I can’t wait to
celebrate my birthday with you.

So, tonight, I sit alone at some
amazing pub by the RMH, paying bills and blogging away on my
anniversary. Sad but true. I would of course, rather have Woody
with me but he so sweetly understood that I needed to get out.
INDEPENDENCE…. ugh. it is so important to me. I need this time to
do my thing…. blog, pay bills, be out in the real world
surrounded by people laughing and who have no idea what the fuck
cancer really means in life. Everyone here is laughing, drinking,
playing trivia, and living life to the fullest. Just as they should
be. Hey, it wasn’t so long ago that I lived this carefree life. I
will never take it for granted again. I used to be exactly like
these people in this bar. And I will be someday again. Someday, I
will be back here, with my husband, just enjoying each other and
not obsessing about Ronan’s cancer. Love you all. Sweetest dreams.
xoxox

This is dedicated to Ronan… thanks Linds. Because baby, he
is our firework. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting
through the wind wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so
paper thin like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you
ever feel already buried deep? 6 feet under screams but no one
seems to hear a thing Do you know that there’s still a chance for
you ‘Cause there’s a spark in you You just gotta ignite, the light,
and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July ‘Cause
baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth Make ’em
go “Oh, oh, oh” As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you’re a
firework Come on, let your colors burst Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own You don’t have to feel
like a waste of space You’re original, cannot be replaced If you
only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed So you could open
one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your
heart will blow And when it’s time, you’ll know You just gotta
ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th
of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re
worth Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh” As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make ’em go
“Oh, Oh, Oh” You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own Boom,
boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It’s always been
inside of you, you, you And now it’s time to let it
through-ough-ough ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em
what you’re worth Make ’em go “Oh, Oh, Oh” As you shoot across the
sky-y-y Baby, you’re a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make
’em go “Oh, Oh, Oh” You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom,
boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon