New obsession. Inferno Hikes. My physical Hell.

Ronan. The Sunday Blues. I hate Sundays. Always have. I woke up in an awful mood due to the dreams I had all night long. They were long, intense, and I was mad at everyone in them. I fought with your daddy in my dreams. Quinn and all of your cousins were smoking cigarettes in front of me. I was crying, screaming, and yelling. Everyone in my dream, knew you were dead and it was all they talked about. Is it too much to ask for a little peace in my life? Apparently, yes. To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, is an understatement. I woke up, vividly recalling what I had just dreamt about; and then I remembered that I was really waking up to you not being here. I walked around in a zombie state of mind for most of the day.

Hi baby. I started that yesterday, but didn’t finish due to trying to go to sleep. I passed out around 10, but tossed and turned all night long. My dreaming is out of control. I could be sick just thinking about it. I saw you in my dreams last night. Yes, indeed I did. I wish I could tell you it was amazing, but it was awful. I had a dream that I was holding you. You were still alive, but you were being cremated in my arms. Your skin was burning off and it was so hot, that I could feel it. I was supposed to just wait it out and watch you burn. I woke up, barely being able to breathe. I got up, walked around the house, went into your brothers’ room, and tried to go back to sleep in there. I did, but didn’t. I slept for a couple of hours and got up early to start my day. I was so tired of trying to sleep so I just aborted mission. I got up, showered, made your brothers breakfast, got them ready, got myself ready, made myself a list for the day of things to do and headed out to take your brothers to school.

I filled my day with errands. I went over to Gay’s house to give her a hug. I have not seen her since your services. I miss her and her little guys so much. So do Liam and Quinn. We are planning a play date with them tomorrow. It will be so bittersweet without you. After I left Gay’s, I finished up the things on my list. I came home, threw on my workout clothes, and decided to do hike at 1:00 in the afternoon. The temperature on my car read 114. Screw it. I’ve hiked the mountain everyday for a week now. Tricia hiked with me Saturday and Sunday. We are OBSESSED. Inferno hiking is our new Hot Yoga. As I was getting ready to head up the mountain, I decided I’d better tell someone where I was. I texted Trish and told her if she didn’t hear from me, it was because I had died; hiking. I made sure she knew where I was in case I didn’t make it back down. I had a moment of hesitation before I started. An empty mountain, the thought of rattlesnakes, the heat, and god knows what else; was enough for me to think twice about braving it today. But then I thought of you and everything you went through in your little life. All the pain and suffering. My fear subsided and I ran, as fast as I could for 35 minutes, up, up and up. I got to the top, started to dry heave, and threw up the only thing I had in my stomach the entire day which was coffee and water. No biggie. I took about 20 minutes to feel the sun burn my skin and I did my talking to you. I can’t remember if I cried or not as I was in a daze. I headed back down and just as I was thinking in my head, that I must be really be crazy; because nobody else in their right mind would do what I had just done….. a man appeared. I thought I was hallucinating at first. I took out my headphones and watched the man who must have been about 75, with his walking stick, approach me. He was carrying a spray bottle mister full of water in his hands. I smiled and told him I couldn’t believe that he was hiking today as I thought I was the only crazy person on the mountain. He told me to take off my sunglasses so he could spray me down. I laughed and thanked him and he told me it would keep me cool for about 10 seconds. I told him that was better than nothing. I think that 75-year-old man, hiking today, was clearly an Angel. It was a little sign from you to let me know that no matter how alone I think I am, without you… that you will never be far from my side. I really needed that today, Ro. Thank you.

I picked up your brothers from school, came home and we did their homework. The rest of the night has been pretty low key. Everyone is tired from the heat of today. Tomorrow, I have a busy day full of therapy appointments. I’m seeing Sarah and Dr. Joanne. I am going to try to go to boot camp at 5….. so please let me get some sleep. I need the rest, emotionally, physically and mentally. I miss you so much. We all do. We spent last night all crying about you. Quinn was hysterical, sobbing so hard that he couldn’t even talk. Liam was crying in your bedroom with your door closed, playing with your Star Wars guys. I cried most of the night as your Daddy tried to take care of all of us; but he was just as sad. I just don’t know what to do with days like yesterday. I almost can’t handle them. We survived somehow. Quinn is watching your favorite movie, “Home Alone,” now. I really can’t handle that. The little boy in the movie is you to a tee as far as the way he acts. You used to quote this movie every other day as you loved it so much.  I so badly wish we would have went on a vacation, and left you at home alone. At least this movie has a happy ending. I don’t see how our life can possibly have a happy ending without you here.

I’m going to go now baby. I’m so tired I can hardly see straight. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. I miss you so much. Sweet dreams, my “not spicy, little monkey.

xoxo

I would like to dream about these sparkly shoes tonight. Something crazy, gorgeous, and girly.

Fuck you fucking world

Ronan. I’d guess I’d better get used to these days of not knowing how I’m going to feel and what to expect. I guess I’d better, because yesterday was so hard, that today had no choice but to be better. The Frakes came over this morning to tell us goodbye as they had to head back to Phoenix. We were all sad to see them go; we loved having them here with us. After they left, we walked into town and had some breakfast. It turned out to be a sunny and nice day over here at the beach. Liam and Quinn were so anxious to get down to the beach with your cousins. We spent about 4 hours down there today. They had so much fun boogie boarding, playing in the sand, and running back and forth from the beach to the pool. I spent most of the day in the ocean, trying to surf. The waves were small today and they were breaking really close to shore. It was still nice to be out in the ocean, alone, thinking about you. I felt peaceful out there, a feeling that I never get to feel anymore. I guess I feel closer to you when I am closer to doing things more associated with the earth and this big world. Being in the ocean makes me feel vulnerable which in turn allows for my guard to come down and I have no choice but to sit back, open up my mind, and try to push away the pain to allow myself to feel something for you other than hurt and sadness. I like this surfing thing so I think I’ll stick with it. After our afternoon at the beach, we came back up to our place and got ready to head into town for dinner. Quinn was so cute and wanted to wear his “fancy Ronan” clothes to dinner. Little Fedora hat and all. It reminded us all of you so much. You loved the way I would dress you up in with your matching hat and clothes. The entire time we were at the pizza place, all I could think about was how much you would have gobbled up all of the pizza and loved it. It was strange sitting there without you. Too quiet and Liam and Quinn are too well behaved. I was missing your mischief so much tonight. Some kid at the table next to us was screaming and crying. It was music to my ears.

After we came home from dinner, we met up with your cousin, Layne, who is just a little bit older than Liam and Quinn. We met him in the grass with his mom and sister and they all came up to drop Layne off for a sleep over. After I got them settled, I headed out for a late run. I only did 4 miles, but it was fast. I sat after my run for a long time and talked to you and looked up at the stars. I kept going back to the last couple of days before you passed away. You weren’t really talking to me anymore, but I must have asked you 50 times, where you were going. I knew you were going away, and I wanted so badly to know where you were going. Every time you I would ask you this, you would yell at me that you were going “NOWHERE!” That brings me comfort now. It makes me think you didn’t really leave me, that you are still here, right beside me. I so wondered what was happening to your little mind, what things you were seeing, and all that unknown stuff scares me so badly still. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about you having to die, to go through all of that and I couldn’t go with you. I still can’t get over that you are not mine to take care of anymore. I promised you that we were going to get you all better, I promised you so many things, and now I am left with empty promises that I didn’t get to keep to you. I know this was all out of my control, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from taking over. Your dad and I used to have the conversation all the time about how we didn’t know what we would do if anything ever happened to you or your brothers. We would go over all the crazy things that could happen, like a car accident, one of you getting hit on your bike, getting kidnapped. We NEVER thought about one of you getting cancer. It was never even on our radar because in our world, that just didn’t happen to kids. We didn’t even choose to really look the other way about it, because we were so uneducated, that it just didn’t exist. And now look, Ro. You, the most precious gift to everyone in our family, are gone. Just like that. Poof. How can this be? Were you really mine? While I was sitting at the pool today, watching the 3o kids all run around, I actually thought this to myself in my head. Were your really real? How could I have had 3 such blissful years with you and then in a heartbeat, it was all taken away? What did I do in my life to deserve this? Was it because I cried when I found out that you were not a girl, but you were a boy at our ultrasound? I think about this all the time. How fucking stupid was I? After you were born though, the whole wanting a girl thing flew out the window. People would always ask if I wanted to try for a girl and my response was that I was so happy to have my 3 boys that I couldn’t picture it any other way. You three boys were the best thing to happen to me. Having 3 boys was a dream come true. I’m so lost without you, Ro. The last few days, I remember asking you what in the world I was going to do without you. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out. Life is broken beyond repair. But somehow, I have to hang on to the little that we have left, not for myself because I could care less about me….. but for your brothers and your Daddy. They are all that matter now. I can survive living like I’m buried alive. This is the burden I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will do it for you. You will forever be burned into my soul and I hope someday that the sadness will fade away just a bit and I will learn how to smile without it being so fake. Because of now, every smile that comes from my face is so forced and not real. I have to smile to keep the tears from falling and there is nothing natural about my smile now. It hides all the pain that I am feeling. I can put on an o.k. show to get me through the days, but it is exhausting.

Ronan. You should be here. All 3 boys are out in the livingroom now, chatting away and watching a movie. I cannot tell you how much having your cousins around this summer is saving us. Your brothers are enjoying them so much. It’s times like these when you find out how much family truly means. We are so blessed to have them all surrounding us. It worked out perfectly that they just happened to be here at the same time we are. We are so lucky to be so loved.

Do you know what else we did tonight? After we walked home from dinner, we went past the Hotel Del where your Daddy and I got married. Quinn took a picture of us in the exact spot where we said our wedding vows. Almost 10 years ago, Ro. Who would have known our happily ever after would have ended up with us having to watch one of our children die. FUCK YOU FUCKING WORLD. Why was somebody so pissed that we did have the perfect life, because we did. And I’m not ashamed to admit it because we worked hard to make it that way, although the perfect life did come easily to us. It was all based on being a good family who loved each other so much. A mom and dad who were best friends, 3 healthy boys, no drama, no stupid nonsense like drinking, drugs, lying, cheating….. we were just so happy and content with all of our little blessings. We were so content and felt so blessed. You know your dad would tell me every other day how lucky we were. We knew this, we embraced it, and we didn’t take it for granted. I’m so angry at how you were taken away from us and now we are left with all this pain and sadness. Complete bullshit. I know you know this. You, most of all, did not deserve any of this, Ronan. I love you and I miss you and I’m scared of the person I’m going to become without you. What if I can’t do this? What if this is all too much and I just end up pushing everyone away? Because as of now, I don’t like the person that I am. I’m ignoring all of my friends…. my best friend, and your Godmom, Tricia, included. Who does this? I do. Because I hurt so much that I don’t want anyone else to have to see me suffer. I would rather do this alone but I know that is not going to get me through this. I know this, but you know how stubborn I am. You were the same way, little man. I think I just need time. Time to be alone and grieve for you by myself. You lived inside of me for 9 months and after that you really didn’t leave my side for almost 4 years. Having you just gone, I feel like I am dead too. I just need some time to slowly come back to life and my independent self knows it is going to have to be on my terms. Guess it’s the Capricorn in me. I will let you help me though. When you know I am ready, I will be waiting for you. I’ll wait for you for eternity, my love.

That is all for tonight, sweet baby boy. Please don’t leave me. Please stay by my side. I need to know you are here. I need you to help me get through this because no one else can. I love you to the moon and back, Ro. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. To all you lovelies who came out last night. Thank you so much. My post was a little angry tonight, but only because of my heart that is broken into a million pieces. I cannot even describe to you how much I miss Ronan and how shattered our world is without him. I am so thankful for you all and how many of you that love us; please know that. I am so inspired by the event last night that I really want to turn it into a yearly thing. Next year, I know we can make it even more amazing although I heard from so many people how wonderful everything was. Next year, I will be strong enough to be there and I hope you can feel in my heart how beautiful I think you all are. Thank you again, a million times over. Ronan’s story has to continue on, our love story cannot end just because he is gone. It is because of all of you, that I know we can do this. His love, his beauty and his life will continue on because of all of you and the way I know his soul will be there guiding not only me, but you as well. Ronan had so much love, fire, and fight in his heart that I cannot wait to see what becomes of him and his story. Thank you all again. I love you so very much; even the people whom I don’t even know, but cannot wait to meet. Sweet dreams my dear friends. May your dreams be peaceful and full of love.