Fuck you fucking world


Ronan. I’d guess I’d better get used to these days of not knowing how I’m going to feel and what to expect. I guess I’d better, because yesterday was so hard, that today had no choice but to be better. The Frakes came over this morning to tell us goodbye as they had to head back to Phoenix. We were all sad to see them go; we loved having them here with us. After they left, we walked into town and had some breakfast. It turned out to be a sunny and nice day over here at the beach. Liam and Quinn were so anxious to get down to the beach with your cousins. We spent about 4 hours down there today. They had so much fun boogie boarding, playing in the sand, and running back and forth from the beach to the pool. I spent most of the day in the ocean, trying to surf. The waves were small today and they were breaking really close to shore. It was still nice to be out in the ocean, alone, thinking about you. I felt peaceful out there, a feeling that I never get to feel anymore. I guess I feel closer to you when I am closer to doing things more associated with the earth and this big world. Being in the ocean makes me feel vulnerable which in turn allows for my guard to come down and I have no choice but to sit back, open up my mind, and try to push away the pain to allow myself to feel something for you other than hurt and sadness. I like this surfing thing so I think I’ll stick with it. After our afternoon at the beach, we came back up to our place and got ready to head into town for dinner. Quinn was so cute and wanted to wear his “fancy Ronan” clothes to dinner. Little Fedora hat and all. It reminded us all of you so much. You loved the way I would dress you up in with your matching hat and clothes. The entire time we were at the pizza place, all I could think about was how much you would have gobbled up all of the pizza and loved it. It was strange sitting there without you. Too quiet and Liam and Quinn are too well behaved. I was missing your mischief so much tonight. Some kid at the table next to us was screaming and crying. It was music to my ears.

After we came home from dinner, we met up with your cousin, Layne, who is just a little bit older than Liam and Quinn. We met him in the grass with his mom and sister and they all came up to drop Layne off for a sleep over. After I got them settled, I headed out for a late run. I only did 4 miles, but it was fast. I sat after my run for a long time and talked to you and looked up at the stars. I kept going back to the last couple of days before you passed away. You weren’t really talking to me anymore, but I must have asked you 50 times, where you were going. I knew you were going away, and I wanted so badly to know where you were going. Every time you I would ask you this, you would yell at me that you were going “NOWHERE!” That brings me comfort now. It makes me think you didn’t really leave me, that you are still here, right beside me. I so wondered what was happening to your little mind, what things you were seeing, and all that unknown stuff scares me so badly still. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about you having to die, to go through all of that and I couldn’t go with you. I still can’t get over that you are not mine to take care of anymore. I promised you that we were going to get you all better, I promised you so many things, and now I am left with empty promises that I didn’t get to keep to you. I know this was all out of my control, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from taking over. Your dad and I used to have the conversation all the time about how we didn’t know what we would do if anything ever happened to you or your brothers. We would go over all the crazy things that could happen, like a car accident, one of you getting hit on your bike, getting kidnapped. We NEVER thought about one of you getting cancer. It was never even on our radar because in our world, that just didn’t happen to kids. We didn’t even choose to really look the other way about it, because we were so uneducated, that it just didn’t exist. And now look, Ro. You, the most precious gift to everyone in our family, are gone. Just like that. Poof. How can this be? Were you really mine? While I was sitting at the pool today, watching the 3o kids all run around, I actually thought this to myself in my head. Were your really real? How could I have had 3 such blissful years with you and then in a heartbeat, it was all taken away? What did I do in my life to deserve this? Was it because I cried when I found out that you were not a girl, but you were a boy at our ultrasound? I think about this all the time. How fucking stupid was I? After you were born though, the whole wanting a girl thing flew out the window. People would always ask if I wanted to try for a girl and my response was that I was so happy to have my 3 boys that I couldn’t picture it any other way. You three boys were the best thing to happen to me. Having 3 boys was a dream come true. I’m so lost without you, Ro. The last few days, I remember asking you what in the world I was going to do without you. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out. Life is broken beyond repair. But somehow, I have to hang on to the little that we have left, not for myself because I could care less about me….. but for your brothers and your Daddy. They are all that matter now. I can survive living like I’m buried alive. This is the burden I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will do it for you. You will forever be burned into my soul and I hope someday that the sadness will fade away just a bit and I will learn how to smile without it being so fake. Because of now, every smile that comes from my face is so forced and not real. I have to smile to keep the tears from falling and there is nothing natural about my smile now. It hides all the pain that I am feeling. I can put on an o.k. show to get me through the days, but it is exhausting.

Ronan. You should be here. All 3 boys are out in the livingroom now, chatting away and watching a movie. I cannot tell you how much having your cousins around this summer is saving us. Your brothers are enjoying them so much. It’s times like these when you find out how much family truly means. We are so blessed to have them all surrounding us. It worked out perfectly that they just happened to be here at the same time we are. We are so lucky to be so loved.

Do you know what else we did tonight? After we walked home from dinner, we went past the Hotel Del where your Daddy and I got married. Quinn took a picture of us in the exact spot where we said our wedding vows. Almost 10 years ago, Ro. Who would have known our happily ever after would have ended up with us having to watch one of our children die. FUCK YOU FUCKING WORLD. Why was somebody so pissed that we did have the perfect life, because we did. And I’m not ashamed to admit it because we worked hard to make it that way, although the perfect life did come easily to us. It was all based on being a good family who loved each other so much. A mom and dad who were best friends, 3 healthy boys, no drama, no stupid nonsense like drinking, drugs, lying, cheating….. we were just so happy and content with all of our little blessings. We were so content and felt so blessed. You know your dad would tell me every other day how lucky we were. We knew this, we embraced it, and we didn’t take it for granted. I’m so angry at how you were taken away from us and now we are left with all this pain and sadness. Complete bullshit. I know you know this. You, most of all, did not deserve any of this, Ronan. I love you and I miss you and I’m scared of the person I’m going to become without you. What if I can’t do this? What if this is all too much and I just end up pushing everyone away? Because as of now, I don’t like the person that I am. I’m ignoring all of my friends…. my best friend, and your Godmom, Tricia, included. Who does this? I do. Because I hurt so much that I don’t want anyone else to have to see me suffer. I would rather do this alone but I know that is not going to get me through this. I know this, but you know how stubborn I am. You were the same way, little man. I think I just need time. Time to be alone and grieve for you by myself. You lived inside of me for 9 months and after that you really didn’t leave my side for almost 4 years. Having you just gone, I feel like I am dead too. I just need some time to slowly come back to life and my independent self knows it is going to have to be on my terms. Guess it’s the Capricorn in me. I will let you help me though. When you know I am ready, I will be waiting for you. I’ll wait for you for eternity, my love.

That is all for tonight, sweet baby boy. Please don’t leave me. Please stay by my side. I need to know you are here. I need you to help me get through this because no one else can. I love you to the moon and back, Ro. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. To all you lovelies who came out last night. Thank you so much. My post was a little angry tonight, but only because of my heart that is broken into a million pieces. I cannot even describe to you how much I miss Ronan and how shattered our world is without him. I am so thankful for you all and how many of you that love us; please know that. I am so inspired by the event last night that I really want to turn it into a yearly thing. Next year, I know we can make it even more amazing although I heard from so many people how wonderful everything was. Next year, I will be strong enough to be there and I hope you can feel in my heart how beautiful I think you all are. Thank you again, a million times over. Ronan’s story has to continue on, our love story cannot end just because he is gone. It is because of all of you, that I know we can do this. His love, his beauty and his life will continue on because of all of you and the way I know his soul will be there guiding not only me, but you as well. Ronan had so much love, fire, and fight in his heart that I cannot wait to see what becomes of him and his story. Thank you all again. I love you so very much; even the people whom I don’t even know, but cannot wait to meet. Sweet dreams my dear friends. May your dreams be peaceful and full of love.

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13 thoughts on “Fuck you fucking world

  1. K.M

    Maya,
    One of the many things I love about you (even though I don’t personally know you) is that you recognized that you did have the perfect life. 3 healthy kids, a loving hubby and a warm kind home. That is perfection. I was one of the people who did not realize I had a perfect life until I volunteered for a charity in honor of another precious little boy who lost his fight to NB. That was 4 years ago and since then I realize every day that with all the imperfections of my life, I do have a perfect life because of those 3 things, healthy kids, loving hubby & warm home. I know that because of YOU and your story others now get to realize it also.
    I’m just so sad and sorry that your Ronan is physically gone from this world. But I know that he is not gone in spirit and his soul is still in you, Woody, Liam & Quinn. He is the wind in your hair and the sunshine on your face.
    I’m also so sad that it takes losing these beautiful, precious children for myself and others to recognize how good we have it and how perfect life really is.

  2. Laura

    Take it day by day. Your feeling are so real. Just take baby steps this is a whole new path that one should not have to take. Know that you are loved and have lots of hands that are here for you. Hopefully the sunshine will give you lots of positive energy today. All our love to your entire family.

  3. Jaime Harris

    I feel so sad for you guys, Maya. Your story has made me a more loving, patient mom to my 3 boys. Please be easy on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Things will get better with time and I’m certain something positive will come of all of this! I’m so sorry for the pain your in. There is a group at my church, meets every Tues. night, just for mom’s who have lost their children. Maybe, in time, you could benefit from something like this. I am praying for you. Sending you warm thoughts of peace, hope and strength. Lots of prayers for you and your family…

  4. J

    LIfe and Children are so precious…
    The quote above, I have not heard it before but so touching. So true. It pierced my soul. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, music and soul.

  5. Jaime Harris

    “Therfore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly for us is an internal glory that far out weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” … 2 Cor. 4:16-18

    I read this verse today and wanted to share it with you. Maybe it helps, maybe not. Just thought it was worth sharing. Praying for you!!

  6. MK

    Maya – It is so much better to be honest about your feelings than to try and pretend they don’t exist. I still have a lot of unresolved hurt about the death of my daughter and reading your blog has allowed me to realize that I did a lot of “emotional stuffing.” Your honesty and strong will is what will help patch the hole in your heart left by the absence of Ronan. The hurt never goes away but after a while it doesn’t always take your legs out from underneath you.
    I am so pleased that those who organized the event at the Biltmore made giving a donation so easy. It gave me a special moment in my heart to know that my contributions really made a difference.
    I wish you peace, Maya, and hope you know there are readers on the other side of your blog who know exactly what it feels like to loose a precious angel. You are not alone…<3

  7. Glenda

    Maya, my heart aches for you. Baby steps. One step in front of the other. Soak up the sun. Soak up the love of Woody and the twins. They are your strength. Rockstar Ronan is your guide. He is in your heart and forever will be. Sending you mama bear hugs. Peace and strength XX

  8. Rose

    Maya, Don’t give up fighting this f-ing thing called cancer! It destroyed my family because we didn’t focus on sticking together. It may not seem like it but you’ve got this f-ing thing by the balls and it’s hating it! Go at it with both fists! Fucking kick it’s ass! Your army (which is all of us in your shadow) will stand by you every minute and lift you when you want it.

  9. LB

    I love how honest and real your posts are. But I want you to know how much your words have changed me. I have learned to let go of the unimportant things. Like the other day I had a ton of things to do around the house. Instead my little girl wanted me to sit on the couch snuggle and put (her version) of makeup on me. Usually I would have said “no, tonight after dinner.” and put it off. But I realized this moment won’t happen again, but the ironing will. So there we sat for 40 min transforming me! I have also learned that what was a big deal at the time is really nothing, there ARE things way worse than a too long espresso line or some jerk going too slow. Thank you and I am so sorry for all this….

  10. Sara

    Maya, we are loving you, crying for you and wish we could take all of this away. I hope Ronan visits you in your dreams tonight. I hope today was a better day for you.

    Love,
    Sara M.

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