A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo

Crazy Cat Lady

Ronan. I’ve been quiet today. Which you know, are my most painful days. I didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up at 2:30, a.m….. watching the clock. Paced around the house. 3:30 a.m. was here before I knew it…. close to the time you passed away. I managed to go back to sleep, woke up around 5 a.m. ready to start the day, but did not get out the door for boot camp. Did some things around the house instead. I got ready for the day ahead of me, which was a total freaking blur. I don’t even know what went on. I’m like a crazy Cat Lady now. The crazy Cat Lady who lives alone, with 50 Kitty Cats in her house. Meow.

Except for the cats that surround me all day long, come in the form of notebooks, journals, books, pieces of paper, post it notes…. I take these things with me everywhere. I write, all day long. Lists, things to do, things to not forget, random words, names of songs, feelings, thoughts….. I write at stop lights, in the middle of the grocery store, while I’m waiting to pick the boys up from school…. I don’t even know what half of the shit is that I am writing. Maybe someday it will all come together, but for now, it is one big flood. I’m drowning in my words and the flood cannot be stopped. I hope it is healing, but only time will tell. Until that time comes, I am content to be the Crazy Cat Lady.

I remember thinking today, that I needed to get my passport picture retaken; as my passport has expired. I decided it was a great idea to go to Kinko’s to get it done. So random. Your Daddy called as I was in route. I told him what I was doing. I told him I was going to get my passport picture taken. He asked where I was going that I would need my passport. I wanted tell him, that I was going crazy. Instead, thoughts of Africa, Thailand, and Vietnam flashed across my mind; but I didn’t tell him that. I have been blabbing about going to Vietnam with Trish for about 6 months now. Mostly just to get a reaction out of your Daddy. I don’t have any concrete plans to go anywhere, as of now. That could all change, tomorrow. Why can’t I go to one of these places? I have decided that I hate the word, “Can’t.” I wrote this tonight to one of our lovies, who was saying that word. I called Bullshit on that word. Because it is. I think I said something along the lines of, “Life is too short. Stop saying you can’t. You can do anything you want, because you are alive. Ronan CANNOT, because he is DEAD. You are not.” It is true.

Sometimes I don’t know where my bluntness comes from, but then I remember you. You were so bold, blunt, and true to yourself. I am finding little parts of you, just live inside of me. I really do feel like your spirit went back into my body some days. I felt like that today, which is another reason my body/mind just seems to shut down and just let’s you take over. I just let you guide me as I kind of float through the days. I never know where you will take me, or what we will embark upon together. But I am ALWAYS up for the journey. It’s just you and me, baby. Just like we used to say, back in the day. Back in the day; that feels like so long ago. I feel like you have been gone, for 4 years, not almost 4 short months. What the hell is that all about? Is it because of how much I miss you? How much I long for you every second of the day? It has to be. I feel like I’ve been trapped in this world without you forever, when the truth is, you left this earth such a short time ago.

I am suddenly so tired now. The girls(Stacy,Trish, Fernanda) came over tonight because Daddy is working late. Stacy brought a bottle of Melatonin. I told her I’d try anything to get off of this Ristoral. I asked her really, how many I could take. 10?? 20?? The bottle says 1. We decided I could take 2. I doubt anyone has ever died a Melatonin overdose. I’ll have to Google that one. I think I’m o.k. with taking 2, except for it’s made me totally sleepy.  Yummy. I miss sleepiness.

I’m giving in tonight. I don’t think I can write about the rest of my day. Except to tell you that I missed you with every inch of my body. From my lips to my toes. Oh. And tonight, when I hugged Fernanda goodbye, I kissed the inside of her neck. For one second, I felt like I was kissing you, as that was always my favorite place to kiss you. I always kissed you there and told you I was getting some of your sugar. I got all teary eyed as wasn’t planning on kissing the nape of her neck…. but I did, and it reminded me so much of you. I love you baby boy. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. I hope you are safe. G’night my love. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

 

New obsession. Inferno Hikes. My physical Hell.

Ronan. The Sunday Blues. I hate Sundays. Always have. I woke up in an awful mood due to the dreams I had all night long. They were long, intense, and I was mad at everyone in them. I fought with your daddy in my dreams. Quinn and all of your cousins were smoking cigarettes in front of me. I was crying, screaming, and yelling. Everyone in my dream, knew you were dead and it was all they talked about. Is it too much to ask for a little peace in my life? Apparently, yes. To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, is an understatement. I woke up, vividly recalling what I had just dreamt about; and then I remembered that I was really waking up to you not being here. I walked around in a zombie state of mind for most of the day.

Hi baby. I started that yesterday, but didn’t finish due to trying to go to sleep. I passed out around 10, but tossed and turned all night long. My dreaming is out of control. I could be sick just thinking about it. I saw you in my dreams last night. Yes, indeed I did. I wish I could tell you it was amazing, but it was awful. I had a dream that I was holding you. You were still alive, but you were being cremated in my arms. Your skin was burning off and it was so hot, that I could feel it. I was supposed to just wait it out and watch you burn. I woke up, barely being able to breathe. I got up, walked around the house, went into your brothers’ room, and tried to go back to sleep in there. I did, but didn’t. I slept for a couple of hours and got up early to start my day. I was so tired of trying to sleep so I just aborted mission. I got up, showered, made your brothers breakfast, got them ready, got myself ready, made myself a list for the day of things to do and headed out to take your brothers to school.

I filled my day with errands. I went over to Gay’s house to give her a hug. I have not seen her since your services. I miss her and her little guys so much. So do Liam and Quinn. We are planning a play date with them tomorrow. It will be so bittersweet without you. After I left Gay’s, I finished up the things on my list. I came home, threw on my workout clothes, and decided to do hike at 1:00 in the afternoon. The temperature on my car read 114. Screw it. I’ve hiked the mountain everyday for a week now. Tricia hiked with me Saturday and Sunday. We are OBSESSED. Inferno hiking is our new Hot Yoga. As I was getting ready to head up the mountain, I decided I’d better tell someone where I was. I texted Trish and told her if she didn’t hear from me, it was because I had died; hiking. I made sure she knew where I was in case I didn’t make it back down. I had a moment of hesitation before I started. An empty mountain, the thought of rattlesnakes, the heat, and god knows what else; was enough for me to think twice about braving it today. But then I thought of you and everything you went through in your little life. All the pain and suffering. My fear subsided and I ran, as fast as I could for 35 minutes, up, up and up. I got to the top, started to dry heave, and threw up the only thing I had in my stomach the entire day which was coffee and water. No biggie. I took about 20 minutes to feel the sun burn my skin and I did my talking to you. I can’t remember if I cried or not as I was in a daze. I headed back down and just as I was thinking in my head, that I must be really be crazy; because nobody else in their right mind would do what I had just done….. a man appeared. I thought I was hallucinating at first. I took out my headphones and watched the man who must have been about 75, with his walking stick, approach me. He was carrying a spray bottle mister full of water in his hands. I smiled and told him I couldn’t believe that he was hiking today as I thought I was the only crazy person on the mountain. He told me to take off my sunglasses so he could spray me down. I laughed and thanked him and he told me it would keep me cool for about 10 seconds. I told him that was better than nothing. I think that 75-year-old man, hiking today, was clearly an Angel. It was a little sign from you to let me know that no matter how alone I think I am, without you… that you will never be far from my side. I really needed that today, Ro. Thank you.

I picked up your brothers from school, came home and we did their homework. The rest of the night has been pretty low key. Everyone is tired from the heat of today. Tomorrow, I have a busy day full of therapy appointments. I’m seeing Sarah and Dr. Joanne. I am going to try to go to boot camp at 5….. so please let me get some sleep. I need the rest, emotionally, physically and mentally. I miss you so much. We all do. We spent last night all crying about you. Quinn was hysterical, sobbing so hard that he couldn’t even talk. Liam was crying in your bedroom with your door closed, playing with your Star Wars guys. I cried most of the night as your Daddy tried to take care of all of us; but he was just as sad. I just don’t know what to do with days like yesterday. I almost can’t handle them. We survived somehow. Quinn is watching your favorite movie, “Home Alone,” now. I really can’t handle that. The little boy in the movie is you to a tee as far as the way he acts. You used to quote this movie every other day as you loved it so much.  I so badly wish we would have went on a vacation, and left you at home alone. At least this movie has a happy ending. I don’t see how our life can possibly have a happy ending without you here.

I’m going to go now baby. I’m so tired I can hardly see straight. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. I miss you so much. Sweet dreams, my “not spicy, little monkey.

xoxo

I would like to dream about these sparkly shoes tonight. Something crazy, gorgeous, and girly.

Goodbye summer 2011

Ronan. It’s late. It’s late and I am so tired. So tired, but I cannot sleep. I am trying tonight to sleep without my fucking Ambien. I think that drug is the devil. I think it’s making my mind go crazy. I don’t want to take it. All I want is to fall asleep, without the aid of any medication. I want to stay asleep for at least a solid five hours. I want peace while I sleep. That Ambien makes my nights too dark, and my days too sluggish. It’s effecting my short term memory…. I think. Ha. That was a joke. But not really, because it is. I cannot remember the simplest of things anymore. Dates easily slip my mind and I feel foggy. It’s apparent that I am going to have to take this stupid pill tonight to get to sleep. I’ve been trying to sleep for 3 hours now and it’s just not going to happen. To live in a world where even going to sleep is exhausting. A true prison indeed.

Ro. I started that last night. During my witching hours that I cannot escape. Yesterday was full of doing things as a family. My hands shake just trying to write about it. We swam, went to the Diamondbacks game for a bit, Liam and Quinn stayed the night with Mimi and Papa. Your daddy and I spent some time together. I have always had a hard time sleeping when the three of you would to together for a sleepover at Mimi and Papa’s, but last night was pure torture. Not having your brothers here to check on made me so sad. They needed the time with Mimi and Papa though, and vise versa.

Today was spent getting Liam and Quinn ready for school. Tomorrow is the big day. Liam is excited and Quinn is nervous. I am laying right next to him as I write, and I have been trying to ease his mind about things. I took him to dinner tonight and your daddy took Liam out for some one on one time. Quinn and I went to Houston’s. We sat and talked all about our summer and I did my best mother/son talk. I told him how great tomorrow was going to be and that he needed not to worry about me. I took out a piece of paper and we sat and wrote out what my day would be like, without him tomorrow, and without you. Seeing this written out seemed to give him a little relief. It scared the shit out of me because I have nothing of importance to do. I can’t believe I don’t have you to take care of. This is all such bullshit.

My mind is still refusing to believe this is all really real. I want so badly to remember certain things about you, but every time I do so, I am overcome with so much pain that my mind pushes the memories of you away and forces me to think about something else. Anything but you. Thought of you leave me breathless, my head spinning and tears pouring. I so wish this were a mind over matter thing and I could make myself feel less pain. I’ve always hated the word impossible, but now it speaks such truth. A happy life without you seems impossible. I feel still feel so empty, shallow, and numb.

August 9th is here soon. 3 months. Guess what else is here? August 12th. The date of your diagnoses just a year ago. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. A year since our life was forever changed in the blink of an eye. I remember it like it was yesterday. It plays over in my head like a movie. I swear I remember every second about that day. Your daddy said to me tonight for as much as we hated hospital life, how he would give anything to go back to living that life with you. I couldn’t agree more. Hospital life with you was like living in freaking paradise compared to this.

I took Quinn on a bike ride today. 104 degree heat and all. We rode our bikes over to Tricia’s. I have not been to her new house yet and Quinn wanted to go on a bike ride. Perfect reason to go and see my bestie. We rode out bikes to her house in the blazing heat. It was fun and it felt a little good to me. I love being outside and I know it meant a lot to Quinn. We stayed at her house for about a half an hour; just enough time to cool off. Tricia is learning how to play the piano. It is something she started doing, just for you after you passed away. I sat on her floor today and asked her to play for us. She has been teaching herself and has one song down to a tee. I don’t even know the name of it, but sitting there watching her play today was so beautiful. I didn’t even fight back my tears as I was overcome with emotion. I felt so proud of her. So lucky to have her in our lives and so honored that she is your godmom. I felt a little sad too. Sad that her beautiful life now knows such sadness. I know it’s silly, but I think about things like this a lot. How if 6 years ago, if we had never met, then she would not know the pain of loving and losing you. I hate the sadness that I know she feels. She does not deserve all of this pain. I know none of us do, but for some reason, knowing the pain that Trish feels, hurts me so badly. I guess it’s because I love her so deeply; like a sister. I guess I get the reason why, but it doesn’t make it any easier. She told me you visited her in her dreams last night. I’m so glad for that. Thank you, baby.

Alright my little blue eyed boy. I am going to say goodnight now. Please watch over your brothers at school tomorrow. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. G’nite, Ro. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

In my next life I’d like to come back as Katy Perry, please

Ronan. 3:00 a.m. Like clockwork, my eyes pop open, even though I have just fallen asleep a few hours ago. 3:00-4:45 I lay in bed, tossing, turning, thinking, crying, screaming inside of my head. I take another Ambien. I get up. Wander around the house, look outside, check on your brothers, do some laundry, peak inside of your room. You are not here. I crawl in your bed anyway. Somebody has been playing in here. Some of your Star Wars figures are on your bed. I’ll bet you it was Liam.

Liam and Quinn are all snuggled on the top bunk of their bed, where Liam sleeps. Quinn is notorious for crawling up there in the middle of the night to sleep with him. He has always done this. It brings me comfort, to know they find comfort in each other. Their twin bond is remarkable and I am so grateful for that. They need it more in life now than ever. Your daddy is fast asleep. I don’t ever wake him when I can’t sleep. Even when I need to reach out to him most, I can’t. I would rather be alone and sit in your room. I would rather just be with you. I don’t like your daddy to see me when I am hurting the most. It makes me sad that he has to see me this way because I know it hurts him. It’s as if he’s not only lost you, but me as well. I hope someday I can come back. I see bits and pieces of me here and there, but I am mostly just dead. Just like you, Ro. No amount of love can bring me back right now. I’m dead and lost and continue to wander though this so called life.

It’s light out now. Sleep is calling my name again. These few hours that I wake up for you, are for a reason, I’m sure of it. It cannot just because of the sheer pain of missing you. You have to be trying to tell me something. I’m so sad. I miss you so much. Even your memories are painful to me. As I stare out your bedroom window, I wish so much that you were out there, running in the gravel, throwing rocks, playing with the hose. I feel like a trapped animal that will never be able to escape this cage that I now live in. Freedom will never be mine again, for the rest of my life, I will live like this. Anxious, lost, scared, and sad. I have been moved out of my normal habitat completely and into the life of another. An institution.

Ronan. Hi baby. I started that last night…or early morning when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still here. Still walking through this life without your tiny hand to hold on to. It’s not fun. I took your brothers out for most of the day. We ran errands. It was so bloody hot out. AZ in August is the worst. I took them to get haircuts. We went to the same place I always take them. The same place I used to take you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there. The boy who was ringing us up, couldn’t find your brothers’ names in the system. He was scrolling through the computer…… they weren’t in there, but you were. Quinn saw your name. He goes, “Mom, it says Ronan Thompson.” I told Coop, the boy that cut your brother’s hair, that you were my other son, so to put your brothers info under your name. He asked where you were. UGH. This question is never going to get easier. I had to say it again. Say the words that will never get easier to me. Sunglasses on, tears pouring; I told him that you had passed away. He didn’t know what to say. I don’t think he remembered you, as we hadn’t been there in a couple of years. I told him that he used to cut your hair. I watched his face as it was overcome with an uneasiness that is never easy for me to see. Here I was, the one who was crying; I am the one who lost my son….. but all I wanted to do was give this kid a big hug and tell him it was o.k. That he didn’t need to be sad or sorry because everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was that he ever had the privilege of meeting you, and cutting your beautiful hair, even though he didn’t remember. I had to remain calm and somewhat composed, so instead I just gave him his tip, a smile, and told him thank you and we would see him soon. You truly are everywhere I go. As much as it hurts, it is pain that I welcome in my life. At least I know I won’t ever be without you, even though I am.

Today was a hard day. I’m not going to lie. Pretty much every second of the days and nights are hard. It’s why when amazing gifts like this; the Katy Perry concert tickets which were donated to Ronan’s auction, and then given to me by such an amazing friend, come my way…. I choose to go balls out. Balls to the wall, go big or go home. I took Ronan’s Godmom and my bestie Trish. We wore our Katy <3's Rockstar Ronan shirts. We came prepared with the one we had made for her as well. We were both nervous about meeting her and kept trying to figure out what we were going to say. As we were walking in, suddenly my nerves were gone and I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'm doing this for Ronan and this is no time to be a pussy." She greeted us in her sweet almost cartoon like voice. She saw our shirts and goes, "Oh, is this Ronan?" As if she had been waiting for us. I think she knew a little bit about your story, Ro. I said yes it was. She asked how long ago you passed away and I said three months. We talked about how beautiful you are and she said you are an angel now. I'm not offended by that. I thought it was very sweet of her to say, as I know she comes from a pretty religious background. I hope she is right. I would love nothing more but for you, Ro to be an angel up in heaven, watching down over all of us. I just tend to think otherwise, but I embrace everyone's beliefs and Katy's came from the heart and that is all that mattered. We went over to take a picture with her after she offered to put on the tee shirt we made her, over her outfit. That girls body….gheesh! It's bangin to say the least! No wonder she kissed a girl. And liked it;) After our picture we were running out of time but I pulled her aside and told her I thought she would be a great spokesperson for Childhood Cancer. She told me she does some things for St. Jude's, which I in turn thanked her for. She said she is starting up her own charity for education but had never really found a charity that she wanted to put her heart and soul into. I was respectful of the charity she is trying to set up, but I also told her to think about childhood cancer because I am about to revolutionize it and I would love to have her help. She asked if we were based in Phoenix and seemed interested…. but I wanted to stop while I was ahead. I'm not going to push something down somebody's throat…. well unless you piss me off, then I might. I planted the seed. That's all I wanted to do. She was gracious enough to listen and seem interested. That was more than I could have asked for and I was just thankful to be there and to at least get to show her your little face, Ro. I hope she reads this blog, I hope she wears your shirt, and I hope that she decides she would like to be the beautiful face behind this sad disease that is killing thousands of children every year. As we were walking away, she saw what the back of our shirts said and yelled, "F U Cancer!" That was the best!!!

If she decides to do nothing with the seed I have planted, that is fine too. I get it. Just from spending that short amount of time with her and watching her concert….. I am blown away. She is sassy, kooky, funny, smart, vulgar, caring, compassionate, passionate, laid back and seems like a really good person. My kind of girl. I will be a fan of hers forever. I know she lives in Ronan's heart too. He loved her music so much. So, Katy Perry….. Thank you again for tonight. For being so generous with your time and hearing me out. Thank you for making this very sad mom smile and laugh more than I have in a very long time. Your concert tonight was one of the funnest concerts I've ever been to in my life. The ending was epic and had us almost rolling around, on the ground, covered in bubbles, soap, slime, confetti, etc…….. I don't even know what that was, but we were drenched from head to toe. It was so unexpected and so much fun. I know Ronan loved looking down at me tonight and loved seeing me laugh and smile. Thank you for that gift that you have given us tonight. Even though Ronan is gone, I still consider times like that quality time with just the two of us.

And to my other two lovies. Kati- Thank you for giving me the tickets you purchased at Ro's event. I can't wait to give you the biggest hug. I so needed tonight, just to laugh and breathe a bit. You are an angel. My other lovie from NYC…. you know who you are. Can I call you Miss VF?? You are amazing in every way possible. For all you've done for me, and you don't even know me. But I know you know my heart, and you know Ronan's soul. I cannot wait for the day that you do really decide to stalk me so I can give you lots of hugs and kisses too:) Thank you. Seriously, music heals me. It is healing me and tonight helped so much. I love you both.

O.K. Ro. Mama's tired now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you saw me smiling, laughing, and dancing for you, my little firework. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

A Sea of Sadness

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. I’m waiting to board my flight back to San Diego. It’s late. I had to leave you tonight and somehow I made it to the gate of the plane. I had an o.k. day. I kept busy and luckily I had enough things around Phoenix to do to keep me that way. I ended my o.k. day with dinner at my favorite restaurant, Chelsea’s Kitchen, with my lovelies, Tricia, Danielle, Marisa, and Stacy. It was a good dinner and it felt good to be with my girlfriends. Tricia took me back home after dinner and she and Marisa helped me pack up my things to get back to San Diego. I didn’t have much to pack, but they helped me with little things too like making my bed and picking up little things here and there. I kissed your urn goodbye and told you I loved you. I had a hard time leaving the bedroom where you sit, all alone in the dark. I didn’t want to go. Marisa left me with a hug goodbye and an I love you. I miss her so much. As soon as I sat down in Tricia’s car so she could take me to the airport, I started to bawl. I stared at your bedroom window and all I could think about was how you were never going to play in there again. Tricia pulled out of our driveway and held my hand. I cried all the way to the airport and said things out loud to her that I don’t really say to other people, but I think in my head all the time. She asked where I thought you were. I told her I didn’t know and how hard that is for me. She told me that she thinks you are always with me. In my heart of hearts, I think that too, but it doesn’t ease the pain any less. When we got to the airport, she insisted on coming in with me instead of just dropping me off at the curb. I didn’t put up a fight.
She walked me to security where we both cried, hugged, and she told me how she would never let me go. How we will get through this. How much she misses me. I just held her tight and told her I knew. I hate so much, that you, her first godson, are gone. I will never forget the day I asked her to be your Godmom. It was such a special moment in my life.  I hate how badly she hurts. She was with your Daddy and I when you came into this world. She was the one holding my hand with your Daddy as I screamed for another epidural. She saw how perfect you were after you were born. And then she stood with me as you were diagnosed with cancer. She held my hand through everything and watched as you got sicker and sicker, but refused to believe the worst. She watched the worst come true. She watched you come into this world and she watched as you left. Along with feeling the pain of missing you, I feel the pain of everyone else around me too. How can one person be given so much to handle in life?? How am I expected to survive this when not only do I feel like dying because you are gone, but because everywhere I look, I see nothing but sadness and tears in everyone else’s eyes. I am swimming in a sea of sadness and all I want to do is drown. I don’t even want to use the word, unfair anymore because that is such a weak word. This is beyond unfair. It’s mother fucking fucked up.
 Today, as I made it though the day without crying, I sat in the waiting room of my therapists office and I was going through all of my new emails. I saw one that was from Dr. Mosse from Chop. She sent me a real, heartfelt email that said things such as she hoped it wasn’t  too disruptive or painful to hear from her. She simply wanted to reach out and say hello, to let me know that you are in her thoughts as she comes to work everyday and thinks of you as she works harder to find a cure for Neuroblastoma. For something so simple and so little, it meant the world to me.  I started crying as I read her words and sent her a quick email back to thank her for taking the time out of her very busy life to check in on us. I told her how I am struggling and a big part of this comes from the what if part of if we would have chosen her path, for your treatment. I told her that I will always second guess our decision. I told her how I was sorry because I didn’t listen to my heart after our first meeting with her. When we first met Dr. Mosse, I sent Fernanda a text that simply said, “It’s her. She’s going to be the one to save our baby.” Then we went out to New York and met with Dr. Kushner, whom I really liked. Whom I really believed too. So, I shoved my “gut,” feeling down as far as I possibility could and ignored what was in my heart. I will always wonder, what if. Your daddy and I have gone over and over this. He is sure if we would have went to CHOP, that your outcome would have been the same. The bottom line is, we will never know. We will never know and you are gone. Something has to be done about this. Someday, a cure has to be found for this disease and it has to be understood because no family should go through something as horrific as this.
Tonight, I feel weak, scared, and sad. Tonight, the feeling is back like I cannot breathe. I would like to go to sleep and never wake up just the way you did. Tonight, the pain of being on this airplane all alone, without you, is just too much. Where is my Bryson friend when I need him? There are no Bryson’s on this plane tonight. It is full of people. People who are busy. People who are happy. People who are unhappy. People who are unsatisfied. People who don’t care. People who have no idea how many children die of childhood cancer everyday. People who have no idea what it means to truly feel, to truly live, to truly be grateful for every little thing they have in their lives. At one point in my life, I used to be like these people. Unaware of how precious life TRULY is, because life just WAS. It was a given, not a gift. I never took the time to fully understand how precious life really is, how precious every moment in life, no matter how good or bad truly is because whatever it was…. I was alive and I had 3 healthy children and I never second guessed that things would be any different. Now I know. I know because you are gone and I am the closest to knowing what it feels like to being dead, while being alive. I don’t want this life without you, Ro. But I also respect that this life is not my choice and I cannot decide when it is my time to be with you again. I respect that I have to take care of your brothers, your daddy, our friends, and family. I have a lot of people who I cannot let down. I cannot let you down either.
So sorry for the pity part tonight, my love. I will push though this, pick my head back up, and stay focused on the job that you have given me to do. I refuse to fail you. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back baby boy.
I wrote that last night, Ro. But was too tired to finish it. I had a hard day today. We spent the day moving out of the unit that we have been in for a month and into a new unit. It’s a different building, overlooking the bay, and it is pretty much the same layout of the unit that we stayed in over here when you were just a year old. This has opened a floodgate of memories for me and I have spent the majority of the day crying. As I was unpacking the car with your daddy, he noticed my tears. He picked me up off the ground and held me for a long time. I hate everything in our new life that we are doing without you. I hate that today, I unpacked the car without having to worry about you running around crazily in the parking garage, as I pictured myself having to chase after you to make sure you wouldn’t be hit by a car. Today, I had none of that worry and it is all I wanted.
Once we got settled in our new place, we went into town to eat. We ate at our favorite Burger place here, just the 4 of us. You would have loved the chocolate milkshake that I shared with Quinn. It had a ton of whipped cream on it and your brother laughed as I fed it to him. You used to LOVE your whipped cream. After we had our lunch, we ran into the grocery store to get a few things. As I was walking through the frozen food aisle, there it was. Your Fettucini. I felt like passing out on the spot. I stopped and stared at the Marie Callender’s Fettucini Alfredo that you lived off of while we were in the hospital at PCH. You always hated hospital food and I cannot count the times we would cook this in the microwave together and how happy it made me to watch you gobble it all up. It was the one thing I could always count on you eating. I loved feeding it to you because of all the calories it had in it. I’ll never be able to look at that Fettucini the same again. I’ll never be able to look at a lot of things the same again.
We came back to our unit and tried to get unpacked a little more. Mimi and Papa came over to take Liam and Quinn to see “Cars 2.” Your daddy tried to talk me into going out on a date with him, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to go anywhere. I was just feeling too sad today. I did get out for my nightly run though. I did my usual route; a fast 6 miles. Around mile five, I started to feel sick to my stomach. You know me and my notorious throwing up ways if I run too hard or too fast. Luckily I found some nice bushes out of sight from anyone and out came my one meal of the day…. lunch. I finished the last mile and now here I sit. I still feel sick to my stomach and I’m sure it’s from the combination of you being gone and pushing myself with my 8 minute mile tonight. I had a lot of anger to pound out on the pavement and it seemed as if my feet were on fire. Too bad my body decided that it was too much because it felt pretty good. I haven’t run in a few days which always makes me extra anxiety ridden, depressed, and leaves me with extra nervous energy that I don’t need. I had to get that out tonight otherwise I was going to end up doing something drastic; like eating a bag of donuts.
Alright my little man. This is all for tonight. I miss you so very much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.
P.S. A very Happy Birthday to my dear Laura Leigh Chase. My friend since we were 14. My friend forever. I’ll never forget the day in our 8th grade P.E. class when we got “married.”  It was the most gorgeous, sunshiny day outside and we skipped off, holding hands, and went to pick the flowers on the side of the hill instead of participating with the activity that we were supposed to be doing. Instead, we decorated each other with flower hippie headbands and had some pretend to marry each other ceremony. 17 years later and here we are, mama. I am so proud to still be able to call you one of my best friends. I love you. And I am so happy you married Kasey in real life. Have a beautiful day my dear, sweet friend.
xoxo

Dear overly concerned blog reader

I read your long comment today. I thought about it a lot. I just want to clear up a couple of things. First of all, a lot of the things I write, I write during the middle of the night, when I cannot sleep and my feelings come flooding out and rightfully so. I write without much thought, but with feeling instead. I understand how this may be misconstrued and sometimes I may be overly dramatic, but my feelings are always honest and true. The whole “no fear,” thing that has gotten a lot of people pretty concerned, is nothing to be worried about. I promise you all, I will not be jumping off the Coronado Bridge anytime soon. Am I less scared of things in life now that I have just lost my son? Absolutely. It would be one thing if I was shooting up heroin in the streets of a back alley, playing chicken with a train or even skydiving…. but come on peeps… I don’t even drink wine. I’m channeling my fear into doing things like surfing, which I’ve wanted to try my entire life, but was always too scared to. My running at night… what a stupid thing to be scared of before all of this. I’m always aware of my surroundings and it just happens to be at night when I am my most restless and taking my energy out on the pavement is my way of keeping myself in check. The living without fear thing anymore is coming more from a place of not being afraid to speak up, trying new things, and living a life that is worth living by putting fear aside and living with passion; as you never know when your time will be up. It is not about hurting myself, but more about pushing myself to be the best version of myself that I can be. To do that, a big part comes of letting go of fear. I am sorry if my posts sometimes get a little too dark, but darkness is a part of my life right now. I hope it won’t be forever, but it is here and as long as it is, I’m going to deal with it and not sweep it under the rug. I am hurt and I am sad. But I also have a conscious and a little chip programmed in the back of my head that tells me that I cannot get too crazy, because I have a family to live for. You know when you can all become officially concerned?? When I stop writing. When I stop speaking the truth. When I stop running and being active. When I stop being a mom. When I start doing every drug known to mankind and when I lock myself in my room and don’t come out for days. I just watched my son die and I did none of the things above. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hit the all time low that I’m going to hit and none of those things happened. So, overly concerned reader. You can relax. I am not going to let anything happen to Liam and Quinn’s mommy. This mommy was a mommy first to those to boys and I plan on staying that way.

I understand where you are coming from, but I can’t say I agree with much of it. There was a lot of judgement in your comment and you know I am not a huge fan of that. The fact of the matter is, you are just a reader. You don’t know me, my life, my family, and what goes on in our lives every second of the day. You are making judgements from an outsider looking in, by a blog that I am putting out there and that’s not fair. But it’s to be expected. It is my choice to write this blog, and I know judgements are everywhere and I’m o.k. with that. I am secure enough within myself to handle the daggers thrown my way. Are the things you said something that I would ever say to a stranger whom just lost their son? No way. Have you lost a child?? I am thinking not. You said you have lost loved one’s before, but I’m sensing not a child. That is like comparing apples to oranges and it has no relevance to a bereaved mother. Something in particular you said, was really out of line. You are putting words into my mouth and that is not o.k. with me. This was your lovely line: “you make it sound very clear that Ronan was your favorite child, and Liam and Quinn are being forced to live in his shadow. i dread the day they read your blog for themselves, because as much as you do love them – and it is clear you love them dearly – you state flat out that Ronan was your soulmate, your best friend, your partner in crime, your *everything*.”

So, lady….Wow. I’m not sure where to even start with this one. All I know is that I had no idea that I wasn’t allowed in my life to have all 3 of my children be my favorites, all three of them be my soul mates, all three of them, my everything. Because they are. If this had be Liam or Quinn, I would be feeling the same things I am feeling with the loss of Ronan. I love all three of my boys equally. Do I have different bonds with them? Of course. Was my bond with Ronan deeper? Yes, as of now, it is. But I think that is just a part of life, and bonds change due to time and circumstance. If you had just spent the last 8 months, fighting for your baby’s life, 24 hours a day, there is no doubt in my mind that the bond would be deeper and stronger than anything that has ever existed. To say that Ronan was my favorite is absolutely true. But so are Liam and Quinn. I love them just as much as I love Ronan and that will never change. I owe my life to Liam and Quinn because they have saved it. They are saving me every second of the day by reminding me of why I have to get out of the bed every morning, why I have to engage and interact with people when I really don’t want to. Those two little boys and my husband are the only things healing me right now. You really shouldn’t be afraid of the day that they read this blog; because they know in their hearts the truth. They will never doubt my love for them and if anything, I hope that this teaches them about the importance of living a life that is true and real. If you knew my twins, which you don’t, you would understand that they will not be scarred for life from this. You would understand that the things that they are learning from going through this are to always be proud of who they are, and they are both so different from Ronan. We embrace and encourage them to be who they are and always have which is why they are such amazing little guys. They will never live in Ronan’s shadow because to us, Ronan will never be a shadow. He will forever be a light that burns like the sun, he will forever be the most beautiful star in the sky. He will forever be the reason that Liam and Quinn hold their heads up high, love life, help others, and embrace all the beauty that they get to experience in a day, while learning never take things for granted. He will be the one helping as we push them to try harder and to become the best human beings that they are capable of. I, as there mother, will accept whatever this may be, whatever mistakes they make, by guiding them the as best I can and letting them learn by just loving them unconditionally.

I don’t re read what I write, but I don’t remember ever writing anything about telling the twins that they cannot express their fear. Am I missing something? If anything, I am pushing them to talk about their fear and whatever else they are feeling during the day. We spend a lot of the day talking about how they are feeling, what they are feeling, and I am teaching them that everything they are feeling, is normal and natural due to what we have just gone through. They cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, and are for the most part, are just trying to be little boys who are smothered with all the love in the world. Yesterday, when they were complaining about being cold in the ocean, not because they were scared, I made them suck it up and continue on. And I am so glad I did because you should have seen the waves they stared to ride and what a good time they ended up having. For just losing their brother, they are as happy as they can possibly be. They smile, laugh, fight, cry…. they do all the normal things that 8 years olds should be doing and Woody and I deal with it all by keeping our minds open and rules in place. We are taking this time at the beach to completely engulf ourself with each other. I feel like this is the best medicine. Not to shove therapy down their throats. What would you do? Keep them in Arizona all summer, throw them in a ton of therapy, all while they get to be reminded every second of the day that Ronan just died? No thanks, lady. I met with someone from New Hope in Phoenix who deals with grieving families for a living. She is very well-respected, educated, and this is what she does everyday and she has been doing it for a very long time. She loved the idea of us getting away together as a family, to take this time to heal, and to come back after the summer and start something together; as a family. She thought that was the best idea for us and I couldn’t agree more. This is our choice, not yours. This is working for us and as much as I may sound like I am not healing, I am. I have said before that I am broken into a million little pieces. But each day I can feel a piece being put back together and I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are here, together.

As far as me calling you names for stating your opinions, that’s not going to happen. I don’t know you, so that would be totally unfair. I’ll just tell you to stick it where the sun don’t shine instead. Don’t even get me started on the not telling Liam and Quinn that Ronan is watching over them. What the hell is scary about that? If anything, while they are going through life, making mistakes and causing trouble.. if they choose to do so…. they will think of Ronan and know he would be laughing with them and right there by their sides. I am not going to turn this into a “OHHHH, you’d better not do anything wrong because Ronan “The Watcher,” will be there and he see’s everything you do.” Um, no. That is just creepy. I don’t think I’ve ever told them that Ro is up in heaven, looking down on them. It’s just been more of a Ronan is always with us, even though he’s not kind of a thing. He will forever be a part of our family and we intend to live with him in our hearts for the rest of our lives. They know he will be watching over them though. Guiding them, keeping them from harm, because now, he is their guardian angel.

So, overly concerned stranger. I probably should have just ignored your comment but I just wanted to set the record straight. We are doing the best we can and the choices we are making, are ours. All I’m asking is for a little respect and I have no doubt that mistakes will be made; but such is life. This is a learning process for all of us, but we are a very strong family. We are very strong individuals. We are going to be o.k. and we are going to heal, together. As much as I write things that are hard to read, it is my truth and I will not be denied of it. As much as I say I’m not going to survive this; I know I will because I refuse to let cancer have the final say.

The last little “proof,” that I am going to be o.k…. An email from my bestie today. She knows me better than anyone and she know what her role is right now. To love me and support me the way she always has and will always do. I love you, TT.

Just wanted to send you a note this morning to tell you how much I love you. I miss you. and how much I miss Ronan. Marisa and I got to have a little dinner together last night and we talked about him for a long time. I feel like I haven’t gotten to talk about him with people as much, they are scared to talk about it. But not me and Ris, it felt good and made us happy to remember. We talked about him as a baby, how he was a little devil, how he was the most beautiful baby we’ve ever seen and mostly how we still feel him around all the time. Marisa says she sees him in so many things that are beautiful, everyday. I told her about the hummingbird and how I don’t normally believe that but I couldn’t help it this time. I’m sending you a big hug and letting you know my heart is with you every second of the day. I’m thinking about you and Woody and the boys. I am with you in the no fear living…nothing will ever be the same. You are doing an amazing job, getting out of bed and being a strong mom for the boys. No one will ever question where Ronan got his fighting spirit. Continue to fight for each day , for him and the boys. I love you and miss you more than you know.

To everyone else who is concerned or worried. Thank you. Thank you for being worried and for good reason. But that you for doing it in such a way that you make me feel loved and not judged. Thank you for saying the right words, even when you say nothing at all and for respecting my space. I love you all so much. G’nite to you all. Sweet dreams. G’nite Ro baby. I missed you today. I missed you every second of today like I will do everyday for the rest of this long life without you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Fuck you fucking world

Ronan. I’d guess I’d better get used to these days of not knowing how I’m going to feel and what to expect. I guess I’d better, because yesterday was so hard, that today had no choice but to be better. The Frakes came over this morning to tell us goodbye as they had to head back to Phoenix. We were all sad to see them go; we loved having them here with us. After they left, we walked into town and had some breakfast. It turned out to be a sunny and nice day over here at the beach. Liam and Quinn were so anxious to get down to the beach with your cousins. We spent about 4 hours down there today. They had so much fun boogie boarding, playing in the sand, and running back and forth from the beach to the pool. I spent most of the day in the ocean, trying to surf. The waves were small today and they were breaking really close to shore. It was still nice to be out in the ocean, alone, thinking about you. I felt peaceful out there, a feeling that I never get to feel anymore. I guess I feel closer to you when I am closer to doing things more associated with the earth and this big world. Being in the ocean makes me feel vulnerable which in turn allows for my guard to come down and I have no choice but to sit back, open up my mind, and try to push away the pain to allow myself to feel something for you other than hurt and sadness. I like this surfing thing so I think I’ll stick with it. After our afternoon at the beach, we came back up to our place and got ready to head into town for dinner. Quinn was so cute and wanted to wear his “fancy Ronan” clothes to dinner. Little Fedora hat and all. It reminded us all of you so much. You loved the way I would dress you up in with your matching hat and clothes. The entire time we were at the pizza place, all I could think about was how much you would have gobbled up all of the pizza and loved it. It was strange sitting there without you. Too quiet and Liam and Quinn are too well behaved. I was missing your mischief so much tonight. Some kid at the table next to us was screaming and crying. It was music to my ears.

After we came home from dinner, we met up with your cousin, Layne, who is just a little bit older than Liam and Quinn. We met him in the grass with his mom and sister and they all came up to drop Layne off for a sleep over. After I got them settled, I headed out for a late run. I only did 4 miles, but it was fast. I sat after my run for a long time and talked to you and looked up at the stars. I kept going back to the last couple of days before you passed away. You weren’t really talking to me anymore, but I must have asked you 50 times, where you were going. I knew you were going away, and I wanted so badly to know where you were going. Every time you I would ask you this, you would yell at me that you were going “NOWHERE!” That brings me comfort now. It makes me think you didn’t really leave me, that you are still here, right beside me. I so wondered what was happening to your little mind, what things you were seeing, and all that unknown stuff scares me so badly still. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about you having to die, to go through all of that and I couldn’t go with you. I still can’t get over that you are not mine to take care of anymore. I promised you that we were going to get you all better, I promised you so many things, and now I am left with empty promises that I didn’t get to keep to you. I know this was all out of my control, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from taking over. Your dad and I used to have the conversation all the time about how we didn’t know what we would do if anything ever happened to you or your brothers. We would go over all the crazy things that could happen, like a car accident, one of you getting hit on your bike, getting kidnapped. We NEVER thought about one of you getting cancer. It was never even on our radar because in our world, that just didn’t happen to kids. We didn’t even choose to really look the other way about it, because we were so uneducated, that it just didn’t exist. And now look, Ro. You, the most precious gift to everyone in our family, are gone. Just like that. Poof. How can this be? Were you really mine? While I was sitting at the pool today, watching the 3o kids all run around, I actually thought this to myself in my head. Were your really real? How could I have had 3 such blissful years with you and then in a heartbeat, it was all taken away? What did I do in my life to deserve this? Was it because I cried when I found out that you were not a girl, but you were a boy at our ultrasound? I think about this all the time. How fucking stupid was I? After you were born though, the whole wanting a girl thing flew out the window. People would always ask if I wanted to try for a girl and my response was that I was so happy to have my 3 boys that I couldn’t picture it any other way. You three boys were the best thing to happen to me. Having 3 boys was a dream come true. I’m so lost without you, Ro. The last few days, I remember asking you what in the world I was going to do without you. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out. Life is broken beyond repair. But somehow, I have to hang on to the little that we have left, not for myself because I could care less about me….. but for your brothers and your Daddy. They are all that matter now. I can survive living like I’m buried alive. This is the burden I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will do it for you. You will forever be burned into my soul and I hope someday that the sadness will fade away just a bit and I will learn how to smile without it being so fake. Because of now, every smile that comes from my face is so forced and not real. I have to smile to keep the tears from falling and there is nothing natural about my smile now. It hides all the pain that I am feeling. I can put on an o.k. show to get me through the days, but it is exhausting.

Ronan. You should be here. All 3 boys are out in the livingroom now, chatting away and watching a movie. I cannot tell you how much having your cousins around this summer is saving us. Your brothers are enjoying them so much. It’s times like these when you find out how much family truly means. We are so blessed to have them all surrounding us. It worked out perfectly that they just happened to be here at the same time we are. We are so lucky to be so loved.

Do you know what else we did tonight? After we walked home from dinner, we went past the Hotel Del where your Daddy and I got married. Quinn took a picture of us in the exact spot where we said our wedding vows. Almost 10 years ago, Ro. Who would have known our happily ever after would have ended up with us having to watch one of our children die. FUCK YOU FUCKING WORLD. Why was somebody so pissed that we did have the perfect life, because we did. And I’m not ashamed to admit it because we worked hard to make it that way, although the perfect life did come easily to us. It was all based on being a good family who loved each other so much. A mom and dad who were best friends, 3 healthy boys, no drama, no stupid nonsense like drinking, drugs, lying, cheating….. we were just so happy and content with all of our little blessings. We were so content and felt so blessed. You know your dad would tell me every other day how lucky we were. We knew this, we embraced it, and we didn’t take it for granted. I’m so angry at how you were taken away from us and now we are left with all this pain and sadness. Complete bullshit. I know you know this. You, most of all, did not deserve any of this, Ronan. I love you and I miss you and I’m scared of the person I’m going to become without you. What if I can’t do this? What if this is all too much and I just end up pushing everyone away? Because as of now, I don’t like the person that I am. I’m ignoring all of my friends…. my best friend, and your Godmom, Tricia, included. Who does this? I do. Because I hurt so much that I don’t want anyone else to have to see me suffer. I would rather do this alone but I know that is not going to get me through this. I know this, but you know how stubborn I am. You were the same way, little man. I think I just need time. Time to be alone and grieve for you by myself. You lived inside of me for 9 months and after that you really didn’t leave my side for almost 4 years. Having you just gone, I feel like I am dead too. I just need some time to slowly come back to life and my independent self knows it is going to have to be on my terms. Guess it’s the Capricorn in me. I will let you help me though. When you know I am ready, I will be waiting for you. I’ll wait for you for eternity, my love.

That is all for tonight, sweet baby boy. Please don’t leave me. Please stay by my side. I need to know you are here. I need you to help me get through this because no one else can. I love you to the moon and back, Ro. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. To all you lovelies who came out last night. Thank you so much. My post was a little angry tonight, but only because of my heart that is broken into a million pieces. I cannot even describe to you how much I miss Ronan and how shattered our world is without him. I am so thankful for you all and how many of you that love us; please know that. I am so inspired by the event last night that I really want to turn it into a yearly thing. Next year, I know we can make it even more amazing although I heard from so many people how wonderful everything was. Next year, I will be strong enough to be there and I hope you can feel in my heart how beautiful I think you all are. Thank you again, a million times over. Ronan’s story has to continue on, our love story cannot end just because he is gone. It is because of all of you, that I know we can do this. His love, his beauty and his life will continue on because of all of you and the way I know his soul will be there guiding not only me, but you as well. Ronan had so much love, fire, and fight in his heart that I cannot wait to see what becomes of him and his story. Thank you all again. I love you so very much; even the people whom I don’t even know, but cannot wait to meet. Sweet dreams my dear friends. May your dreams be peaceful and full of love.

“Just you and me, Mom.”

I am trying my hardest to pretend this weekend is normal when all I really want to do is run away. Ro woke up bright and early as well as the twins as they had their baseball game to get ready for. Woody headed out early with them and Ronan and I waited for Tricia and Macy to pick us up to head over to the game. Macy’s eyes were full of tears as soon as she saw us and I tried my best to look away. It hurt so bad. Tricia drove my car, Macy sat in front and I sat in the back with Ro. We headed out to watch the twins play in their baseball game. It was hard for me to be there today, as I know everyone knows whats going on and I could feel the sadness in the air. I held on to Macy and Tricia’s hands, kissed my husband and cheered on my twins. I put on my sweetest smile, tucked Ronan away in his stroller and said hello to a few lovely team moms. We got to watch my boys play their game for about 20 minutes as that is all Ronan could handle. He is in pain and just wanted to go home. I left there with Tricia, Macy and Ronan in tow and talked Ronan into getting a shaved ice from our favorite place. He even went inside to pick out his flavors for him and his brothers. Macy had her first shaved ice today too. So proud I was the one to break her in. After our shaved ice, we headed to Have Java for coffees and Ronan then decided he wanted to go to Target. At this point, his wish is our command. We stopped by our house to drop off Liam and Quinn’s treats and Quinn hopped in the car with us to go to Target. It was the first time I have seen Ronan smile since we’ve been home. We went to town on getting him some new Star Wars guys and a Nerf Gun. After Target, we came back home and my mom had just arrived. Ronan was overwhelmed by the few people in our house as it was a little chaotic for him. Tricia and Macy said they were leaving and I begged them not to. I feel so strong with the two of them around. Tricia was only trying to be helpful and said I needed time with my family but I pleaded with her that she and Macy are our family. As soon as they left, I started bawling. I told them I just needed them at my house even if that meant they were picking weeds in my backyard. They both decided to respect the space that they think we need. I get it, I understand, but I am not my rational self these days. I sent Tricia a text telling her I was mad at her and as she had abandoned me. I know this is not the case at all, but not getting my way when I think I know best, is something I have a hard time with. I know that Tricia was right in leaving today. Nobody knows their place and it is a hard thing to watch. All I want is my house full of the people who I love most. Full of laugher, fun, and friends. But this is not what Ronan wants and I have to respect that.

After the Tricia fiasco, I went into straight psychotic mode and knew I was going to end up huddled in a corner somewhere bawling my eyes out. I didn’t want to freak out Liam and Quinn, so I decided I needed to take my anger out elsewhere. I ran my ass up Camelback Mountain as fast as I could and cried almost the entire way. I think Marisa called in the middle of my hike and I remember babbling to her about everyone abandoning me. She tried to calm me down, but there was no calming me today. I kicked that mountains ass and it felt good. I got to the top, prayed once again, and zoomed down as fast as I could. Tricia called me as I was halfway down the mountain begging to come and find me. I told her no, that I would be down soon. She in Macy trecked up as far as they could in their flip flops. As soon as Trish saw me she grabbed me and held me tight and we both cried. She told me how sorry she was, and how she would never leave me. I was the one who was sorry as I was a big, fat, jerk. Nothing in my mind makes sense anymore and the littlest things upset me. I know my best friend would never leave my side. I was being overly dramatic. I about peed my pants laughing when I saw what Macy was wearing while trying to climb up the mountain. Only a true friend would hike up Camelback in a red skirt and sandals, flashing everyone in sight due to the wind. As she said, “Thank god I wore underwear today.” I’m still laughing about that one.

I had them leave me at the bottom, so I could run home. It was there that I was greeted by my mom and Quinn who was riding his bike looking for me. So sweet. I was so happy to see him. He was so proud to come and find me. I am such a lucky mama; my boys love me so much.

I’m sick to death about Ronan. I feel like his body is giving out, but the worst part is his spirit and soul seem to be going as well. He is tired, grumpy, and just lays around. This is so hard for us to watch. It was only a few weeks ago that he was running around as if nothing was wrong. This is all happening way too fast. He just wants to be held and loved so that is what we are doing. I am still praying for a miracle and won’t ever stop. I keep picturing in my mind, him just getting better by himself because of all of our love. I’m hoping that months will go by and he will slowly come back to us. I dream of taking him in again for scans and hearing the words, “It’s amazing, his cancer has stopped spreading and is going away.” I dream of this a dozen times a day.

We have not had the talk with the twins yet, although I know they know something is going on. I’m trying to think of the perfect way to do it. There is no perfect way or perfect timing but as of now, I’m imagining Woody and I taking them on a walk to just let them know as little as possible. No talk about death, but explaining to them that the medicine is not working so we just need to love Ronan as much as we can. We will answer their questions as best we can, but have to try to make this as positive as possible. They do not need to know everything at this point. He is still here with us, he is still fighting but my baby is getting tired. I can see it in his eyes.

I’m scared to sleep now. What if I miss something. What if he takes his last breath and I miss it? I will never forgive myself. I’ve stopped taking my Ambien…. I’m obsessed with listening to his every heartbeat and watching him all night long. I sit and think about where he is going to go next…. somewhere with no more pain, but how can he not be in pain because I know his heart is going to be broken because he won’t be with us. This is going to be worse than any pain that he has been through at this point. He was meant to be with us forever. Not such a short amount of time as we had so many plans.

I’m restless and scared at what is going to come out of my mouth if I keep rambling on tonight. I love all of my family and friends so much. I love my Mr. Sparkly Eyes whom is always there to pick me up, especially when I’m at my lowest point. He is the only one who makes me smile now and who gives me such amazing advice. I love him for that. I love my husband for trying to be so brave, but he is so sad and I don’t know what to do except for try to be strong for him when he needs to break down. I sat on his lap tonight outside for a long time and tried to be the voice of reason and tried to reassure him that none of this is his fault like he is insisting that it is. He keeps saying it’s because of his bad genes. I told him that was bullshit and had nothing to do with this. It was just bad luck. Look at our beautiful perfect twins we have. My heart breaks for my husband and all I can do is love him, talk to him, and try to be strong for him as I did today, anytime he was around. I love him so much, that beautiful man of mine.

I’m ending tonight on that note. I love you all so much. Sweetest dreams to you all. I will never stop thanking you for your love and support.

xoxo

Hellllllooooo Philly!

I’m not scared yet. Is that weird? Because at this point I should be scared shitless. And I don’t need to point out the obvious for you all to know what it is I should be scared about. Maybe it’s because I’m too numb, still in too much shock, or in deep denial. But I honestly don’t think those are the reasons for my being fearless. I still have this insane feeling in my heart that Ro is going to be fine. Maybe every parent whose child is diagnosed with cancer feels this way. It’s survival mode perhaps? Whatever it is, I’m not going to question it and I am going to embrace it as much as I can. I’ve questioned so many things today. Why Ronan was chosen for this journey in the first place, but most of all why he has to fight so hard through it. He is fighting like I’ve never seen a person fight before in my life. I know this is a big part of why I can’t give up yet. As long as Ro is fighting, I will not stop fighting for him. How could I? Any parent put in this same situation would do the same thing 100% guaranteed. To give up now would be so cowardly. I have never been a coward in my life and I am not about to start.

Today was one of the most beautiful days I’ve ever had in my life. Fernanda picked Ronan and I up to go to the clinic at PCH. I cannot tell you how good it felt to be back there. Dr. Maze came to see us while we were waiting and I got to watch my friend and see the pain in his eyes. He puts on a very bad poker face even though he tried his best to give me his famous smile and everything is going to be o.k. look. He left after a few minutes and looked at me and told me he was sorry. I just sat and gave him a smile as that is all I could do. After he left, I sat and thought for a few minutes. I have no shame when it comes to telling him the things that come rambling out of my head so I sent him a short text that just said something like, “Please don’t tell me you’re sorry. I cannot have you give up on Ronan too.” He then replied that he would NEVER give up on Ronan and that is not what he meant. He just meant he was sorry that Ronan is in pain as it breaks his heart. I felt better after that as that man has been with us through this from day one. I know he will not give up on Ronan because he gets it. He knows Ro is different no matter how hard this is getting and he knows my child has the spirit of something that is unlike anything on this earth. Dr. Maze is not going anywhere and more mother fucking doctors should strive to be more like that man. Enough with the egos and the ” I am GOD” attitudes. Enough of this cowardly bullshit. Not naming any names, of course. That would be much too easy. Dr. Maze also knows Dr. Mosse and took the time to send her an email in regards to us. He thinks the world of her which is so very comforting to me. He is very good judge of character and the fact that he respects this woman so much, means everything to me.

We were soon called back to the clinic room where we sat for a while and Dr. Eshun, Ronan’s primary doctor at PCH, came in to see us. Another prime example of an amazing doctor who is full of compassion and heart. We sat and talked and the things we talked about were not easy; but not once did he break eye contact with me. That is HUGE in my book. It is a sign of respect and just pure hearted goodness. I asked him hard questions and he answered as honestly as he could. He gave me his warmest smile even though I knew he was sad. That mans smile could melt a room. I thanked him for being so kind to us and told him how much it meant to me that he had the courage to talk with me the way he did. He supports our decision and understands where as parents, we are coming from. I’ll bet he is the most amazing father. I can tell that about him. He takes all of this personally and has tried to guide us as best he could. We will always be thankful for that.

While Dr. Eshun was in the room, our social worker Marcia came to see us as well. She has been so supportive of us from day one as well. I’ve always known she was a special lady but today, she kind of blew me away. She was so hopeful and so supportive of what we are about to take on. She told me what a good mom I am and how proud she is of me. It felt really good to hear from her as I respect her so much. Her eyes were filled with so much light and love today and I know she believes. She believes in miracles and she believes in Ronan. She believes in our love as a family and believes he can do this. She is still standing by our side and is not going anywhere either. I am so thankful for this.

The next person I saw was, “A.” This was probably the hardest person that I had to face. I’m not sure why…. actually I am. It is because I am completely in love with that woman and I wanted nothing more but to come back to her with the most amazing news…. I did not want to come back to her this way. She sat with me, hugged me and held my hand for a long time. We talked about really tough things. Things that I think about on a daily basis, but I cannot go there yet. A is logical, realistic, and matter of fact. But this is why I love her so much. I know she is only telling me the things she is telling me because she wants to make sure I am as informed as possible and that I have thought about everything, every possibility, every outcome. She does this for me because of the love she has for our family. All that bullshit about doctors not getting personally involved with their patients is bullshit with A. She is fully invested and proved that by the way she ran out to our car today to chase us down to give us one last hug and kiss goodbye. Nobody at fucking Sloan would have done that for us. I think I may have set the bar a little too high with them. Don’t get me wrong, I still think they are one of the best hospitals in the nation. But they will never compare to my little PCH and the kind of quality care we get there. Today, I felt like I was floating on a fluffy cloud with all of my favorite people waiting for me with open arms. As shitty as the circumstances are that we were back, it filled me with the love that I have so been missing.

Dr. Maze also came back to see us again and say goodbye. We will see him soon and Ronan asked after he left if he could come with us. I told him I didn’t think so, but this time we won’t be gone so long so we will be back to see him soon. He smiled and told me that made him happy. Little love bug.

While I was waiting in the isolation room with Ronan as he ended up needing platelets and blood, I saw the woman who walks on water to me. Dr. Adams. I hesitated to chase her down but Fernanda was like, “Are you crazy?! You know that woman always makes you feel better!” Did I forget to mention that “Nanda,” as Ro calls her sat with me all day long? My darling, F. I don’t know what I would do without her. Actually, I do. I would not be getting though any of this and would be curled up in the fetal position somewhere. Anyway, as I was getting ready to chase down Dr. Adams I looked at Fernanda and said, “I can’t see her, my entire ass is hanging out of my pants!” I’ll have to back up the story on this one. I forgot to mention that I was wearing this pair of pretty thin seersucker pants today and when we first went to the clinic and I was getting Ronan out of the car, I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. I heard a big, “Riiiiiiipppppp.” WTF?!? I turned around to Fernanda and said, “Did my pants really just rip and is my ass cheek fully exposed?” Indeed they had. The only thing I could do was laugh and roll with it. I spent the entire day pulling down my tank top to cover up my bum as to not expose anyone to the beauty of my milkshake maker. You know, my favorite booty song…. “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” Yup. I fully brought my milkshake to the clinic today and I don’t think Woody would have appreciated it if any boys came to my yard. Fernanda, of course had the problem solved as she had another pair of jeans with her. I threw those on and went down to see Dr. Adams. I peeked around the corner and there she was. I waited for her to see me before I approached her. She had no clue we were back and it took her a minute to register it was me. She looked at me for a few seconds and goes, “What are you doing here. I did not want to see you back.” I calmly explained the situation to her and she teared up and pulled me into a room. She hugged me, held my hand and locked eyes with me while we discussed everything. And I mean everything. She kept telling me that what matters now is the care that I am giving to Ronan, which is 100% my complete love and strength, but I also needed to let him know that we are all allowed to be sad because none of this is fair or right. She was 100% supportive of trying this MIBG therapy. We touched a bit about how his cure rate is now becoming slimmer and slimmer. I told her I knew all of this but I didn’t care if there was a 5% chance that he could beat this. I wasn’t giving up yet. She told me she knows what good parents we are and we know what is best for Ronan at this point. I don’t think I’ve said this before but just being in her presence almost scares me; but in a good way. I swear to god I’ve known her in a past life or something and I also swear to god that she is seriously an angel walking around on this earth. She has such a presence about her and is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever come into contact with. When I am with her, it is as if she gives me the strength that seems to be surrounding her at all times. She has a very strong aura about her. I feed off of this and I actually felt really calm around her today. I always feel calm and at peace when in her presence.

We had our sweet Patty taking care of us all day. She is not even a nurse to me anymore; she is my friend. She sat with me, cried with me, laughed with me, and helped me with Ronan as much as he would allow. She helped me out to my car and carried all of our things. It was so nice to be back home today and I was so glad Patty was the one taking care of us.

Um, yes, hello. I could write a freaking novel tonight while on this red-eye. I should be sleeping but I have too much buzzing around in my head and to much to talk about today. I’m getting so sleepy but I want to touch on this woman Joanna who emailed me today and her email said please call me, I promise I’m not crazy. What the heck, I thought so I picked up the phone and called this lady who lives in Toronto, Canada of all places. Instant connection. She told me the most amazing story about something she had just experienced and swears it is a sign that Ronan is going to be o.k. I believe her. I cannot go into details because at this time, I am seriously about ready to pass out. This stranger picked me up off my feet today when I needed it most. We talked about fate, the timing of all of this MIBG therapy as if we would have started this any later…. Ronan would not be eligible for the antibodies that come after this due to a time period. She said maybe Dr. Kusher kicking us to the curb was a blessing in disguise because now we will start this therapy and if we get the response we are fucking praying our asses off for, Ro will still be eligible for the antibodies. We will cross that bridge when we come to it, but you all know I love a good fate story. Fate and hope are what I’m hanging on too.Thanks Joanna, for reaching out to me. It meant the world to me today.

Also, I am learning such lessons from a little 10-year-old. Not really lessons, but more like what it means to see this through the eyes of a very wise child. Mr. Luke Ashworth, my heart will forever be yours. Ronan’s cousin has been such a blessing to us. He loves my Ro so much and Ro loves him just as much. Luke gets all of this, as he is wise beyond his years. He looked at me tonight and goes, “Promise me you’ll never give up.” I looked at him and said, “Luke, of course I will never give up. I promise you that. I will never give up on Ronan.” We had our moment and I will never forget it as long as I live. He thinks about Ronan so much and is so worried about him. It takes a very special boy to be so concerned about something like this. I am so proud to have him as a part of our family.

This is all I can do tonight. Long enough for you all? Geez! Blabber mouth city could not shut up tonight. Adrenaline I guess. I’m in mama lioness fighting mode. One more thing I want to  mention…. Thought-out all of this I find strength in so many places, but one person in particular is always on my mind. It is someone I never knew, but he is one of my idols; Pat Tillman. I have called Ronan our mini Pat Tillman since he could walk. I often think about Pat and how strong-willed he was and just what an amazing man and role model he is to our family. We all worship him. I think about his strength and bravery and I channel this by thinking about him when I think I can no longer go on. He helps me put back on my fuck you cancer boots and continue to fight. I know if he were here and in a twist of fate, he were to meet Ronan, he would never give up on him. I feel like he is one of our angels watching down on Ronan wherever he is. Ronan reminds me so much of him… just the little I know of him from reading some books that have been written about him. One in particular by his mom. The things he did as a child are so similar to the spirit the Ronan embodies. So, Mr. Pat Tillman…. thank you for being the definition of what it means to be a real man and to fight for what you belive in no matter how many people tell you differently. You will always be a hero and a god in our eyes.

G’night my lovies!!!!!!! Or G’morning I should say!

So proud to have you all by our side and I will never get tired of saying that. You mean so much to us. CHOP here we come. Dr. Mosse, I have faith in you; I’ve known this all along. NOT GIVING UP. Who could give up on a fact like Ro’s?? Only the UGLIEST of souls.  And we don’t allow ugly souls on this blog.

We are here. We made it. I have not slept in 24 hours which is probably why my post was a little “hyper.” Adrenaline. In a turn of events, Ronan’s pain in his legs that he has been having, which has been horrific, is not bothering him at the moment. As soon as we stepped off the plane, he started smiling and told me he loved me so much. He has not complained once since we arrived to our room. I have a good feeling about this Philly place. I sent Dr. Mosse an email at 6:30 this morning telling her we had arrived, we were at her mercy, and would do whatever it takes to get Ronan started on this treatment as soon as possible. Not 10 minutes later she emailed me back saying no child should be in pain and that they will move his treatment from next week up to this Thursday. Now that is an amazing doctor. Talk about class, compassion, and heart. I knew this about her from the first time I met her. This is our time now. Things are falling into place and I am going to keep holding on to my belief of that. As Tricia dropped us off at the airport tonight and hugged me tightly she whispered, “Bring our baby home.” You bet your ass I will, TT. I promise you that.

Time to try to get some shut eye; although it looks like Ronan has other plans as he has set up a whole battlefield of Star Wars guys in our bed. Love my little fighter so much.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

xoxo