A Sea of Sadness


 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. I’m waiting to board my flight back to San Diego. It’s late. I had to leave you tonight and somehow I made it to the gate of the plane. I had an o.k. day. I kept busy and luckily I had enough things around Phoenix to do to keep me that way. I ended my o.k. day with dinner at my favorite restaurant, Chelsea’s Kitchen, with my lovelies, Tricia, Danielle, Marisa, and Stacy. It was a good dinner and it felt good to be with my girlfriends. Tricia took me back home after dinner and she and Marisa helped me pack up my things to get back to San Diego. I didn’t have much to pack, but they helped me with little things too like making my bed and picking up little things here and there. I kissed your urn goodbye and told you I loved you. I had a hard time leaving the bedroom where you sit, all alone in the dark. I didn’t want to go. Marisa left me with a hug goodbye and an I love you. I miss her so much. As soon as I sat down in Tricia’s car so she could take me to the airport, I started to bawl. I stared at your bedroom window and all I could think about was how you were never going to play in there again. Tricia pulled out of our driveway and held my hand. I cried all the way to the airport and said things out loud to her that I don’t really say to other people, but I think in my head all the time. She asked where I thought you were. I told her I didn’t know and how hard that is for me. She told me that she thinks you are always with me. In my heart of hearts, I think that too, but it doesn’t ease the pain any less. When we got to the airport, she insisted on coming in with me instead of just dropping me off at the curb. I didn’t put up a fight.
She walked me to security where we both cried, hugged, and she told me how she would never let me go. How we will get through this. How much she misses me. I just held her tight and told her I knew. I hate so much, that you, her first godson, are gone. I will never forget the day I asked her to be your Godmom. It was such a special moment in my life.  I hate how badly she hurts. She was with your Daddy and I when you came into this world. She was the one holding my hand with your Daddy as I screamed for another epidural. She saw how perfect you were after you were born. And then she stood with me as you were diagnosed with cancer. She held my hand through everything and watched as you got sicker and sicker, but refused to believe the worst. She watched the worst come true. She watched you come into this world and she watched as you left. Along with feeling the pain of missing you, I feel the pain of everyone else around me too. How can one person be given so much to handle in life?? How am I expected to survive this when not only do I feel like dying because you are gone, but because everywhere I look, I see nothing but sadness and tears in everyone else’s eyes. I am swimming in a sea of sadness and all I want to do is drown. I don’t even want to use the word, unfair anymore because that is such a weak word. This is beyond unfair. It’s mother fucking fucked up.
 Today, as I made it though the day without crying, I sat in the waiting room of my therapists office and I was going through all of my new emails. I saw one that was from Dr. Mosse from Chop. She sent me a real, heartfelt email that said things such as she hoped it wasn’t  too disruptive or painful to hear from her. She simply wanted to reach out and say hello, to let me know that you are in her thoughts as she comes to work everyday and thinks of you as she works harder to find a cure for Neuroblastoma. For something so simple and so little, it meant the world to me.  I started crying as I read her words and sent her a quick email back to thank her for taking the time out of her very busy life to check in on us. I told her how I am struggling and a big part of this comes from the what if part of if we would have chosen her path, for your treatment. I told her that I will always second guess our decision. I told her how I was sorry because I didn’t listen to my heart after our first meeting with her. When we first met Dr. Mosse, I sent Fernanda a text that simply said, “It’s her. She’s going to be the one to save our baby.” Then we went out to New York and met with Dr. Kushner, whom I really liked. Whom I really believed too. So, I shoved my “gut,” feeling down as far as I possibility could and ignored what was in my heart. I will always wonder, what if. Your daddy and I have gone over and over this. He is sure if we would have went to CHOP, that your outcome would have been the same. The bottom line is, we will never know. We will never know and you are gone. Something has to be done about this. Someday, a cure has to be found for this disease and it has to be understood because no family should go through something as horrific as this.
Tonight, I feel weak, scared, and sad. Tonight, the feeling is back like I cannot breathe. I would like to go to sleep and never wake up just the way you did. Tonight, the pain of being on this airplane all alone, without you, is just too much. Where is my Bryson friend when I need him? There are no Bryson’s on this plane tonight. It is full of people. People who are busy. People who are happy. People who are unhappy. People who are unsatisfied. People who don’t care. People who have no idea how many children die of childhood cancer everyday. People who have no idea what it means to truly feel, to truly live, to truly be grateful for every little thing they have in their lives. At one point in my life, I used to be like these people. Unaware of how precious life TRULY is, because life just WAS. It was a given, not a gift. I never took the time to fully understand how precious life really is, how precious every moment in life, no matter how good or bad truly is because whatever it was…. I was alive and I had 3 healthy children and I never second guessed that things would be any different. Now I know. I know because you are gone and I am the closest to knowing what it feels like to being dead, while being alive. I don’t want this life without you, Ro. But I also respect that this life is not my choice and I cannot decide when it is my time to be with you again. I respect that I have to take care of your brothers, your daddy, our friends, and family. I have a lot of people who I cannot let down. I cannot let you down either.
So sorry for the pity part tonight, my love. I will push though this, pick my head back up, and stay focused on the job that you have given me to do. I refuse to fail you. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back baby boy.
I wrote that last night, Ro. But was too tired to finish it. I had a hard day today. We spent the day moving out of the unit that we have been in for a month and into a new unit. It’s a different building, overlooking the bay, and it is pretty much the same layout of the unit that we stayed in over here when you were just a year old. This has opened a floodgate of memories for me and I have spent the majority of the day crying. As I was unpacking the car with your daddy, he noticed my tears. He picked me up off the ground and held me for a long time. I hate everything in our new life that we are doing without you. I hate that today, I unpacked the car without having to worry about you running around crazily in the parking garage, as I pictured myself having to chase after you to make sure you wouldn’t be hit by a car. Today, I had none of that worry and it is all I wanted.
Once we got settled in our new place, we went into town to eat. We ate at our favorite Burger place here, just the 4 of us. You would have loved the chocolate milkshake that I shared with Quinn. It had a ton of whipped cream on it and your brother laughed as I fed it to him. You used to LOVE your whipped cream. After we had our lunch, we ran into the grocery store to get a few things. As I was walking through the frozen food aisle, there it was. Your Fettucini. I felt like passing out on the spot. I stopped and stared at the Marie Callender’s Fettucini Alfredo that you lived off of while we were in the hospital at PCH. You always hated hospital food and I cannot count the times we would cook this in the microwave together and how happy it made me to watch you gobble it all up. It was the one thing I could always count on you eating. I loved feeding it to you because of all the calories it had in it. I’ll never be able to look at that Fettucini the same again. I’ll never be able to look at a lot of things the same again.
We came back to our unit and tried to get unpacked a little more. Mimi and Papa came over to take Liam and Quinn to see “Cars 2.” Your daddy tried to talk me into going out on a date with him, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to go anywhere. I was just feeling too sad today. I did get out for my nightly run though. I did my usual route; a fast 6 miles. Around mile five, I started to feel sick to my stomach. You know me and my notorious throwing up ways if I run too hard or too fast. Luckily I found some nice bushes out of sight from anyone and out came my one meal of the day…. lunch. I finished the last mile and now here I sit. I still feel sick to my stomach and I’m sure it’s from the combination of you being gone and pushing myself with my 8 minute mile tonight. I had a lot of anger to pound out on the pavement and it seemed as if my feet were on fire. Too bad my body decided that it was too much because it felt pretty good. I haven’t run in a few days which always makes me extra anxiety ridden, depressed, and leaves me with extra nervous energy that I don’t need. I had to get that out tonight otherwise I was going to end up doing something drastic; like eating a bag of donuts.
Alright my little man. This is all for tonight. I miss you so very much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.
P.S. A very Happy Birthday to my dear Laura Leigh Chase. My friend since we were 14. My friend forever. I’ll never forget the day in our 8th grade P.E. class when we got “married.”  It was the most gorgeous, sunshiny day outside and we skipped off, holding hands, and went to pick the flowers on the side of the hill instead of participating with the activity that we were supposed to be doing. Instead, we decorated each other with flower hippie headbands and had some pretend to marry each other ceremony. 17 years later and here we are, mama. I am so proud to still be able to call you one of my best friends. I love you. And I am so happy you married Kasey in real life. Have a beautiful day my dear, sweet friend.
xoxo
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16 thoughts on “A Sea of Sadness

  1. Annie

    Here I sit, just bawling my eyes out for your pain. I don’t know what to say so I’ll say nothing and just let you know someone is listening.

  2. kim

    oh maya my heart hurts for you so much. i am so sorry. gosh, i know that sounds so lame but there are no other to words to use to explain how deeply sorry i am for you. i am just so glad you went out to your fav restaurant with your bffs. it sounded like a wonderful, much needed night out with some of the people who love you and ro the most. you have been blessed with a great group of friends. dive into them maya. dive into their friendship. i’m sure that’s easier said than done especially when you’re having a day like this one. but take refuge in those friendships as that is slowly helping the healing process. i was thinking and im not sure if its even possible to completely heal from losing ronan, in fact im sure its not. but i know in my heart you and your family will survive this hell. you seem like such strong, determined people who refuse to sumbit to even the shittiest circumstances. you have so many family members, friends, and just blog readers in your corner and rooting for “team maya”. and you know who is also there rooting on team maya? your biggest fan, ronan. your everything, your guardian angel, your partner in crime. he’s there always maya, holding your hand tight and walking through this dark tunnel with you. you and ronan have a piece of my heart and you’re always in my thoughts. xoxo

  3. Julie Wood

    I wanted you to know how badly I hurt for you. I pray every morning and every night that you find peace for your soul. It has a huge hole in it right now and I’m praying with each passing day it closes a little bit until one day that peace comes. I know you know in your head that you and Woody went so far above and beyond to make the right choices and I pray you find peace in knowing you did everything you could have done. What a class act for Dr. Mosse to email you. That tells you what an impact Ronan made on her. I’m sure it does make her work harder to find a cure. I just know when you finally get peace you are going to make such huge awareness (you’ve already made so many aware) of Neuroblastoma and I can’t wait to read your blog one day to find out that your foundation was the one to find that cure. I sure wish we could somehow get the reason our lives turn out the way they do, but unfortunately we’ll never know. It’s not fair and I hate it for you. I also pray that you feel Ronan with you every day and he keeps showing you little signs of himself. Just know what an impact you have had, and will continue to have on complete strangers just because you shared your precious son with us. I’m always checking my email waiting for your next post so I can check on you. Thank you for allowing us all in. You are loved.

  4. Laura

    Glad you are back with your family. I know the journey was hard, but necessary for you. I hope you can rally enjoy today. As always your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers.

  5. ROBIN

    Maya, I hope today is better for you! Know that you have tons of people holding you up – many that you don’t know personally. (((hugs))) to you and your family. Know that Ro is always with you…in every thought, in every tear. My wish for you today is for some peace and a respite from your pain.

  6. Jaime Harris

    Maya, I’m so sorry for the pain you feel and the loss you’ve suffered. Don’t second guess yourself about the course you choose for Ronan. You did all you could! I am praying for you daily. I believe Ronan had a purpose here. He has touched so many lives. I know he is safe and happy and healthy in Heaven and you will see him again someday. Praying for you and your family! Always…

  7. Sarah

    Hang in there Maya. We are all rooting for you and your family to get through this terrible loss. I have never met you, but I cry everytime I read your posts. You are an amazing writer…so honest and raw about your feelings. My husband asked me why I read your blog because he sees the tears rolling down my cheeks afterward. I am also the mother of 3 boys and I can’t imagine the pain of losing one of them. I’m sure you will feel broken for a long time. I can’t even imagine the physical pain you feel. Please don’t second guess the path for a cure you chose. You did your best for Ronan. Keep writing. You have an amazing gift as a writer. Look how many of us are checking your blog daily to see how you are doing. Take your writing to a publisher and write a book about this. You could raise a lot of money to finding a cure that way and I guarantee all of us followers would be first in line to buy a copy. Your writing helps other parents going through your situation not to feel alone. You are an amazing person and I am rooting for you girl. Hang on!

  8. Kendra

    A book is a fantastic idea. With close to 1.2 million hits on this blog, imagine how many copies that book would sell. All those people it could reach and make aware, and so much money to be raised for research for childhood cancer. That book would fly off the shelves. My heart hurts for you every day, and I so wish I could work magic and make this nightmare go away for you. I admire your strength so much and it shows what an amazingly dedicated mother you are, that you get up every day and put on your best face for Liam and Quinn. There are so many people who would just crumple into a ball and let the world steamroll over them, but you just keep plugging away. You’re doing an amazing job, even though it hurts, and those boys are so lucky to have a mama like you.

  9. Glenda

    Maya,

    Thinking of you and beautiful blue eyed Rockstar Ronana!

    My heart aches for you! Baby steps mama bear!
    Your honesty and rawness is what keeps me coming back to read about your beautiful baby boy.

    I had a dream with you last night. I was at your mom’s restaurant and you came in with a group of friends. I didn’t want to bother you while you were dining at the restaurant, so once you left I went over and talked to your mom and told her how I wear Ronan’s bracelet *FUCANCER* showed it to her, and told her I lost my mother to cancer and I want to support anything you do with childhood cancer. (that was my dream- wanted to share with you)

    Peace & strength…
    XO

  10. Porter Holden

    I think this song is special. It’s Jesse J. I love the pose in the picture , I think it represents strength. God bless you and your family.

  11. Maureen

    oh how i wish i was magic. how my heart aches for you. i pray for peace for you. always. i am watching coldplay live on VH1 just thinking of Ronan the whole time.

  12. sonia

    so…i live nowhere near that water connection place but i keep telling myself if i’m in the area, i’m going to stop by because i really want a bracelet. so…i got there 15 minutes after they closed today. aaaahhh! it’s like i’m not meant to have one, LOL. any word on if we can order direct from you or your friends and have them mailed? i should have ordered one way back when i got my shirt but i didn’t. stupid move. anyway, i hope today was one of your better ones. thinking of you and your family constantly!

  13. MK

    Maya – I threw up every day for nearly three months after my daughter passed. It’s part of a whole body purge, I think…trying desperately to purge your system from the shock of what happened and how the uncertainty of the life that lay before you. I have so much admiration for you that you even set foot one out of the door. I remember leaving the house very little after my daughter passed. So much so that I began to understand exactly how someone can develop agoraphobia.
    You are in my thoughts every day. ❤

  14. Pingback: Life « The Poetry Corner

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