My Ro. I miss you so.

 

 

 

 

Ronan. I think it’s been a few days since I’ve written. The days are still creeping along, ever so slowly. You’re still gone and I am still here. Barely. We are still at the beach. It’s getting closer to the time when we will leave this place, and return home. The thought of that makes my stomach turn. Back to reality. In a big way. Back to life going on, without you here. Your brothers will return to school and life will move forward. I don’t know how I am going to do this without you. It doesn’t seem possible.

I’m not really sure how the days have been going by; but they have. My memory is still foggy as I sit and try to recall how we’ve spent our time. A little time at the beach, eating out, seeing some movies, running….. I think I’ve slept a lot. Mostly just laying in bed, missing you. Not really living as I’m still not ready to. I had dinner with your daddy last night. It was a sad dinner. Everything with him is sad because we are both so sad about you. We talked about you a little, but dinner was mostly filled with silence and small talk. We saw a movie afterwords and it was really hard for us both to sit though it. My lack of concentration is distracting to everything I do, even trying to sit through a mind numbing movie. You would think things like that would be easy for me, but they are not. Even the simplest things have become difficult.

I think I’ve been avoiding phone calls. Crap. I haven’t called your Nana back in a week. Grandpa Steve has called for weeks and I haven’t returned his phone calls either. I’d really just prefer it if I weren’t here in this world anymore to worry about returning phone calls or having people worry about me. I just wish I were with you. Not my choice though, I know. I miss you more than ever.

I’m reading a new book. I like it so far, although I’m not that far into it. It’s called, “The Other Side of Sadness.” It’s basically about the way the mind works when losing a loved one. It is making sense to me as it’s more of a scientific approach to the way the mind and body work when dealing with so much pain. I think I’ll finish it in a few days, but it takes me longer to read books now. I used to fly right though them, absorbing everything easily. Now, I find myself having to go back and re read things and taking the words at a slower pace. It’s as if I’m becoming an entirely different person. Even the way I read a book is fucking different now. Just when I thought I had myself and life all figured out. Turns out, I knew nothing and I only really existed as the person I was, due to being your mom. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be without you. You were such a big reason to why I was the way I was. That person seems gone. I do get glimpses of her every once in a while. Certain people bring out parts of me that I miss so much. Macy is one of them. So are Liz and Olivia. I guess it’s because I feel so comfortable around them. One second I can be looking at Macy, and we will both be crying about you and a second later a song will come on and the next thing I know we are singing our lungs out together to an old school song, while laughing so hard we can hardly breathe. Thank god for those moments…. I need to be around people who make me laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. For a few minutes a day, it makes me happy again.

I started Liam and Quinn in a camp over here today. They desperately need something to keep them busy, especially Quinn. He’s been really clingy to me which is understandable, but also not healthy for either of us. They both seemed to think it was o.k. and the will go back all week. I am hoping they will like it a little more tomorrow. I think it looks like a really fun camp, but I know for Quinn it’s just that he is separated from me and worries about where I am, what I’m doing, and if I’m coming back. He seems unsure about everything no matter how much I try to convince him that nothing is going to happen to me. What I really want to do is scream that he is absolutely right, that he is so fucking smart, that there are NO guarantees in life, and something could happen to me, as they could happen to any of us at any time of the day, because they can. Look at you, baby. My healthy, strong, baby boy who had this fucking cancer eating away at his body and nobody knew it. Quinn is completely right, completely intuitive, but that is not proper knowledge for an 8-year-old to know. It’s my job as his mom, to reassure him that everything is going to be o.k., when I know this in fact, could be a fucking lie. I am trying my best to protect the shred of innocence that your brothers have left. They have had to learn such a very hard lesson, one that a child should never have to learn. I have to make a choice with this lesson. I can either let it destroy them, or make them in to better human beings because of it. I am working on making them better human beings, trying to take losing you and the lessons that have come with it and turning it into something positive. It feels like such bullshit to me though because it’s not the truth. The truth is this is totally fucked and they shouldn’t have had to learn such a hard life lesson this way. All I really want to do is hide in bed, cry, and scream and let your brothers do the same. I can’t though. I have to go on, I have to give them what tiny pieces of me that I have left. I am giving them everything I have, but it is not much. They really are amazing little boys though. Such good, sweet, funny, smart, boys. Liam has the mind of a 30-year-old and Quinn and his memory that blows me away. I do find myself blown away during many points of the day over things that they say or do. Life has so quickly gotten ahead of me and it’s as if I cannot catch up, no matter how hard I try.

O.K. baby. I think I’m tired now. It’s 2:30 a.m. Ambien is kicking in. UGH. Once again I had so much more to say to you but just cannot do it tonight. Just know I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. G’night my Ro baby. Love you forever.

xoxo

 

A Sea of Sadness

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. I’m waiting to board my flight back to San Diego. It’s late. I had to leave you tonight and somehow I made it to the gate of the plane. I had an o.k. day. I kept busy and luckily I had enough things around Phoenix to do to keep me that way. I ended my o.k. day with dinner at my favorite restaurant, Chelsea’s Kitchen, with my lovelies, Tricia, Danielle, Marisa, and Stacy. It was a good dinner and it felt good to be with my girlfriends. Tricia took me back home after dinner and she and Marisa helped me pack up my things to get back to San Diego. I didn’t have much to pack, but they helped me with little things too like making my bed and picking up little things here and there. I kissed your urn goodbye and told you I loved you. I had a hard time leaving the bedroom where you sit, all alone in the dark. I didn’t want to go. Marisa left me with a hug goodbye and an I love you. I miss her so much. As soon as I sat down in Tricia’s car so she could take me to the airport, I started to bawl. I stared at your bedroom window and all I could think about was how you were never going to play in there again. Tricia pulled out of our driveway and held my hand. I cried all the way to the airport and said things out loud to her that I don’t really say to other people, but I think in my head all the time. She asked where I thought you were. I told her I didn’t know and how hard that is for me. She told me that she thinks you are always with me. In my heart of hearts, I think that too, but it doesn’t ease the pain any less. When we got to the airport, she insisted on coming in with me instead of just dropping me off at the curb. I didn’t put up a fight.
She walked me to security where we both cried, hugged, and she told me how she would never let me go. How we will get through this. How much she misses me. I just held her tight and told her I knew. I hate so much, that you, her first godson, are gone. I will never forget the day I asked her to be your Godmom. It was such a special moment in my life.  I hate how badly she hurts. She was with your Daddy and I when you came into this world. She was the one holding my hand with your Daddy as I screamed for another epidural. She saw how perfect you were after you were born. And then she stood with me as you were diagnosed with cancer. She held my hand through everything and watched as you got sicker and sicker, but refused to believe the worst. She watched the worst come true. She watched you come into this world and she watched as you left. Along with feeling the pain of missing you, I feel the pain of everyone else around me too. How can one person be given so much to handle in life?? How am I expected to survive this when not only do I feel like dying because you are gone, but because everywhere I look, I see nothing but sadness and tears in everyone else’s eyes. I am swimming in a sea of sadness and all I want to do is drown. I don’t even want to use the word, unfair anymore because that is such a weak word. This is beyond unfair. It’s mother fucking fucked up.
 Today, as I made it though the day without crying, I sat in the waiting room of my therapists office and I was going through all of my new emails. I saw one that was from Dr. Mosse from Chop. She sent me a real, heartfelt email that said things such as she hoped it wasn’t  too disruptive or painful to hear from her. She simply wanted to reach out and say hello, to let me know that you are in her thoughts as she comes to work everyday and thinks of you as she works harder to find a cure for Neuroblastoma. For something so simple and so little, it meant the world to me.  I started crying as I read her words and sent her a quick email back to thank her for taking the time out of her very busy life to check in on us. I told her how I am struggling and a big part of this comes from the what if part of if we would have chosen her path, for your treatment. I told her that I will always second guess our decision. I told her how I was sorry because I didn’t listen to my heart after our first meeting with her. When we first met Dr. Mosse, I sent Fernanda a text that simply said, “It’s her. She’s going to be the one to save our baby.” Then we went out to New York and met with Dr. Kushner, whom I really liked. Whom I really believed too. So, I shoved my “gut,” feeling down as far as I possibility could and ignored what was in my heart. I will always wonder, what if. Your daddy and I have gone over and over this. He is sure if we would have went to CHOP, that your outcome would have been the same. The bottom line is, we will never know. We will never know and you are gone. Something has to be done about this. Someday, a cure has to be found for this disease and it has to be understood because no family should go through something as horrific as this.
Tonight, I feel weak, scared, and sad. Tonight, the feeling is back like I cannot breathe. I would like to go to sleep and never wake up just the way you did. Tonight, the pain of being on this airplane all alone, without you, is just too much. Where is my Bryson friend when I need him? There are no Bryson’s on this plane tonight. It is full of people. People who are busy. People who are happy. People who are unhappy. People who are unsatisfied. People who don’t care. People who have no idea how many children die of childhood cancer everyday. People who have no idea what it means to truly feel, to truly live, to truly be grateful for every little thing they have in their lives. At one point in my life, I used to be like these people. Unaware of how precious life TRULY is, because life just WAS. It was a given, not a gift. I never took the time to fully understand how precious life really is, how precious every moment in life, no matter how good or bad truly is because whatever it was…. I was alive and I had 3 healthy children and I never second guessed that things would be any different. Now I know. I know because you are gone and I am the closest to knowing what it feels like to being dead, while being alive. I don’t want this life without you, Ro. But I also respect that this life is not my choice and I cannot decide when it is my time to be with you again. I respect that I have to take care of your brothers, your daddy, our friends, and family. I have a lot of people who I cannot let down. I cannot let you down either.
So sorry for the pity part tonight, my love. I will push though this, pick my head back up, and stay focused on the job that you have given me to do. I refuse to fail you. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back baby boy.
I wrote that last night, Ro. But was too tired to finish it. I had a hard day today. We spent the day moving out of the unit that we have been in for a month and into a new unit. It’s a different building, overlooking the bay, and it is pretty much the same layout of the unit that we stayed in over here when you were just a year old. This has opened a floodgate of memories for me and I have spent the majority of the day crying. As I was unpacking the car with your daddy, he noticed my tears. He picked me up off the ground and held me for a long time. I hate everything in our new life that we are doing without you. I hate that today, I unpacked the car without having to worry about you running around crazily in the parking garage, as I pictured myself having to chase after you to make sure you wouldn’t be hit by a car. Today, I had none of that worry and it is all I wanted.
Once we got settled in our new place, we went into town to eat. We ate at our favorite Burger place here, just the 4 of us. You would have loved the chocolate milkshake that I shared with Quinn. It had a ton of whipped cream on it and your brother laughed as I fed it to him. You used to LOVE your whipped cream. After we had our lunch, we ran into the grocery store to get a few things. As I was walking through the frozen food aisle, there it was. Your Fettucini. I felt like passing out on the spot. I stopped and stared at the Marie Callender’s Fettucini Alfredo that you lived off of while we were in the hospital at PCH. You always hated hospital food and I cannot count the times we would cook this in the microwave together and how happy it made me to watch you gobble it all up. It was the one thing I could always count on you eating. I loved feeding it to you because of all the calories it had in it. I’ll never be able to look at that Fettucini the same again. I’ll never be able to look at a lot of things the same again.
We came back to our unit and tried to get unpacked a little more. Mimi and Papa came over to take Liam and Quinn to see “Cars 2.” Your daddy tried to talk me into going out on a date with him, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to go anywhere. I was just feeling too sad today. I did get out for my nightly run though. I did my usual route; a fast 6 miles. Around mile five, I started to feel sick to my stomach. You know me and my notorious throwing up ways if I run too hard or too fast. Luckily I found some nice bushes out of sight from anyone and out came my one meal of the day…. lunch. I finished the last mile and now here I sit. I still feel sick to my stomach and I’m sure it’s from the combination of you being gone and pushing myself with my 8 minute mile tonight. I had a lot of anger to pound out on the pavement and it seemed as if my feet were on fire. Too bad my body decided that it was too much because it felt pretty good. I haven’t run in a few days which always makes me extra anxiety ridden, depressed, and leaves me with extra nervous energy that I don’t need. I had to get that out tonight otherwise I was going to end up doing something drastic; like eating a bag of donuts.
Alright my little man. This is all for tonight. I miss you so very much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.
P.S. A very Happy Birthday to my dear Laura Leigh Chase. My friend since we were 14. My friend forever. I’ll never forget the day in our 8th grade P.E. class when we got “married.”  It was the most gorgeous, sunshiny day outside and we skipped off, holding hands, and went to pick the flowers on the side of the hill instead of participating with the activity that we were supposed to be doing. Instead, we decorated each other with flower hippie headbands and had some pretend to marry each other ceremony. 17 years later and here we are, mama. I am so proud to still be able to call you one of my best friends. I love you. And I am so happy you married Kasey in real life. Have a beautiful day my dear, sweet friend.
xoxo