Crazy Cat Lady

Ronan. I’ve been quiet today. Which you know, are my most painful days. I didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up at 2:30, a.m….. watching the clock. Paced around the house. 3:30 a.m. was here before I knew it…. close to the time you passed away. I managed to go back to sleep, woke up around 5 a.m. ready to start the day, but did not get out the door for boot camp. Did some things around the house instead. I got ready for the day ahead of me, which was a total freaking blur. I don’t even know what went on. I’m like a crazy Cat Lady now. The crazy Cat Lady who lives alone, with 50 Kitty Cats in her house. Meow.

Except for the cats that surround me all day long, come in the form of notebooks, journals, books, pieces of paper, post it notes…. I take these things with me everywhere. I write, all day long. Lists, things to do, things to not forget, random words, names of songs, feelings, thoughts….. I write at stop lights, in the middle of the grocery store, while I’m waiting to pick the boys up from school…. I don’t even know what half of the shit is that I am writing. Maybe someday it will all come together, but for now, it is one big flood. I’m drowning in my words and the flood cannot be stopped. I hope it is healing, but only time will tell. Until that time comes, I am content to be the Crazy Cat Lady.

I remember thinking today, that I needed to get my passport picture retaken; as my passport has expired. I decided it was a great idea to go to Kinko’s to get it done. So random. Your Daddy called as I was in route. I told him what I was doing. I told him I was going to get my passport picture taken. He asked where I was going that I would need my passport. I wanted tell him, that I was going crazy. Instead, thoughts of Africa, Thailand, and Vietnam flashed across my mind; but I didn’t tell him that. I have been blabbing about going to Vietnam with Trish for about 6 months now. Mostly just to get a reaction out of your Daddy. I don’t have any concrete plans to go anywhere, as of now. That could all change, tomorrow. Why can’t I go to one of these places? I have decided that I hate the word, “Can’t.” I wrote this tonight to one of our lovies, who was saying that word. I called Bullshit on that word. Because it is. I think I said something along the lines of, “Life is too short. Stop saying you can’t. You can do anything you want, because you are alive. Ronan CANNOT, because he is DEAD. You are not.” It is true.

Sometimes I don’t know where my bluntness comes from, but then I remember you. You were so bold, blunt, and true to yourself. I am finding little parts of you, just live inside of me. I really do feel like your spirit went back into my body some days. I felt like that today, which is another reason my body/mind just seems to shut down and just let’s you take over. I just let you guide me as I kind of float through the days. I never know where you will take me, or what we will embark upon together. But I am ALWAYS up for the journey. It’s just you and me, baby. Just like we used to say, back in the day. Back in the day; that feels like so long ago. I feel like you have been gone, for 4 years, not almost 4 short months. What the hell is that all about? Is it because of how much I miss you? How much I long for you every second of the day? It has to be. I feel like I’ve been trapped in this world without you forever, when the truth is, you left this earth such a short time ago.

I am suddenly so tired now. The girls(Stacy,Trish, Fernanda) came over tonight because Daddy is working late. Stacy brought a bottle of Melatonin. I told her I’d try anything to get off of this Ristoral. I asked her really, how many I could take. 10?? 20?? The bottle says 1. We decided I could take 2. I doubt anyone has ever died a Melatonin overdose. I’ll have to Google that one. I think I’m o.k. with taking 2, except for it’s made me totally sleepy.  Yummy. I miss sleepiness.

I’m giving in tonight. I don’t think I can write about the rest of my day. Except to tell you that I missed you with every inch of my body. From my lips to my toes. Oh. And tonight, when I hugged Fernanda goodbye, I kissed the inside of her neck. For one second, I felt like I was kissing you, as that was always my favorite place to kiss you. I always kissed you there and told you I was getting some of your sugar. I got all teary eyed as wasn’t planning on kissing the nape of her neck…. but I did, and it reminded me so much of you. I love you baby boy. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. I hope you are safe. G’night my love. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

 

A Sea of Sadness

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. I’m waiting to board my flight back to San Diego. It’s late. I had to leave you tonight and somehow I made it to the gate of the plane. I had an o.k. day. I kept busy and luckily I had enough things around Phoenix to do to keep me that way. I ended my o.k. day with dinner at my favorite restaurant, Chelsea’s Kitchen, with my lovelies, Tricia, Danielle, Marisa, and Stacy. It was a good dinner and it felt good to be with my girlfriends. Tricia took me back home after dinner and she and Marisa helped me pack up my things to get back to San Diego. I didn’t have much to pack, but they helped me with little things too like making my bed and picking up little things here and there. I kissed your urn goodbye and told you I loved you. I had a hard time leaving the bedroom where you sit, all alone in the dark. I didn’t want to go. Marisa left me with a hug goodbye and an I love you. I miss her so much. As soon as I sat down in Tricia’s car so she could take me to the airport, I started to bawl. I stared at your bedroom window and all I could think about was how you were never going to play in there again. Tricia pulled out of our driveway and held my hand. I cried all the way to the airport and said things out loud to her that I don’t really say to other people, but I think in my head all the time. She asked where I thought you were. I told her I didn’t know and how hard that is for me. She told me that she thinks you are always with me. In my heart of hearts, I think that too, but it doesn’t ease the pain any less. When we got to the airport, she insisted on coming in with me instead of just dropping me off at the curb. I didn’t put up a fight.
She walked me to security where we both cried, hugged, and she told me how she would never let me go. How we will get through this. How much she misses me. I just held her tight and told her I knew. I hate so much, that you, her first godson, are gone. I will never forget the day I asked her to be your Godmom. It was such a special moment in my life.  I hate how badly she hurts. She was with your Daddy and I when you came into this world. She was the one holding my hand with your Daddy as I screamed for another epidural. She saw how perfect you were after you were born. And then she stood with me as you were diagnosed with cancer. She held my hand through everything and watched as you got sicker and sicker, but refused to believe the worst. She watched the worst come true. She watched you come into this world and she watched as you left. Along with feeling the pain of missing you, I feel the pain of everyone else around me too. How can one person be given so much to handle in life?? How am I expected to survive this when not only do I feel like dying because you are gone, but because everywhere I look, I see nothing but sadness and tears in everyone else’s eyes. I am swimming in a sea of sadness and all I want to do is drown. I don’t even want to use the word, unfair anymore because that is such a weak word. This is beyond unfair. It’s mother fucking fucked up.
 Today, as I made it though the day without crying, I sat in the waiting room of my therapists office and I was going through all of my new emails. I saw one that was from Dr. Mosse from Chop. She sent me a real, heartfelt email that said things such as she hoped it wasn’t  too disruptive or painful to hear from her. She simply wanted to reach out and say hello, to let me know that you are in her thoughts as she comes to work everyday and thinks of you as she works harder to find a cure for Neuroblastoma. For something so simple and so little, it meant the world to me.  I started crying as I read her words and sent her a quick email back to thank her for taking the time out of her very busy life to check in on us. I told her how I am struggling and a big part of this comes from the what if part of if we would have chosen her path, for your treatment. I told her that I will always second guess our decision. I told her how I was sorry because I didn’t listen to my heart after our first meeting with her. When we first met Dr. Mosse, I sent Fernanda a text that simply said, “It’s her. She’s going to be the one to save our baby.” Then we went out to New York and met with Dr. Kushner, whom I really liked. Whom I really believed too. So, I shoved my “gut,” feeling down as far as I possibility could and ignored what was in my heart. I will always wonder, what if. Your daddy and I have gone over and over this. He is sure if we would have went to CHOP, that your outcome would have been the same. The bottom line is, we will never know. We will never know and you are gone. Something has to be done about this. Someday, a cure has to be found for this disease and it has to be understood because no family should go through something as horrific as this.
Tonight, I feel weak, scared, and sad. Tonight, the feeling is back like I cannot breathe. I would like to go to sleep and never wake up just the way you did. Tonight, the pain of being on this airplane all alone, without you, is just too much. Where is my Bryson friend when I need him? There are no Bryson’s on this plane tonight. It is full of people. People who are busy. People who are happy. People who are unhappy. People who are unsatisfied. People who don’t care. People who have no idea how many children die of childhood cancer everyday. People who have no idea what it means to truly feel, to truly live, to truly be grateful for every little thing they have in their lives. At one point in my life, I used to be like these people. Unaware of how precious life TRULY is, because life just WAS. It was a given, not a gift. I never took the time to fully understand how precious life really is, how precious every moment in life, no matter how good or bad truly is because whatever it was…. I was alive and I had 3 healthy children and I never second guessed that things would be any different. Now I know. I know because you are gone and I am the closest to knowing what it feels like to being dead, while being alive. I don’t want this life without you, Ro. But I also respect that this life is not my choice and I cannot decide when it is my time to be with you again. I respect that I have to take care of your brothers, your daddy, our friends, and family. I have a lot of people who I cannot let down. I cannot let you down either.
So sorry for the pity part tonight, my love. I will push though this, pick my head back up, and stay focused on the job that you have given me to do. I refuse to fail you. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back baby boy.
I wrote that last night, Ro. But was too tired to finish it. I had a hard day today. We spent the day moving out of the unit that we have been in for a month and into a new unit. It’s a different building, overlooking the bay, and it is pretty much the same layout of the unit that we stayed in over here when you were just a year old. This has opened a floodgate of memories for me and I have spent the majority of the day crying. As I was unpacking the car with your daddy, he noticed my tears. He picked me up off the ground and held me for a long time. I hate everything in our new life that we are doing without you. I hate that today, I unpacked the car without having to worry about you running around crazily in the parking garage, as I pictured myself having to chase after you to make sure you wouldn’t be hit by a car. Today, I had none of that worry and it is all I wanted.
Once we got settled in our new place, we went into town to eat. We ate at our favorite Burger place here, just the 4 of us. You would have loved the chocolate milkshake that I shared with Quinn. It had a ton of whipped cream on it and your brother laughed as I fed it to him. You used to LOVE your whipped cream. After we had our lunch, we ran into the grocery store to get a few things. As I was walking through the frozen food aisle, there it was. Your Fettucini. I felt like passing out on the spot. I stopped and stared at the Marie Callender’s Fettucini Alfredo that you lived off of while we were in the hospital at PCH. You always hated hospital food and I cannot count the times we would cook this in the microwave together and how happy it made me to watch you gobble it all up. It was the one thing I could always count on you eating. I loved feeding it to you because of all the calories it had in it. I’ll never be able to look at that Fettucini the same again. I’ll never be able to look at a lot of things the same again.
We came back to our unit and tried to get unpacked a little more. Mimi and Papa came over to take Liam and Quinn to see “Cars 2.” Your daddy tried to talk me into going out on a date with him, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to go anywhere. I was just feeling too sad today. I did get out for my nightly run though. I did my usual route; a fast 6 miles. Around mile five, I started to feel sick to my stomach. You know me and my notorious throwing up ways if I run too hard or too fast. Luckily I found some nice bushes out of sight from anyone and out came my one meal of the day…. lunch. I finished the last mile and now here I sit. I still feel sick to my stomach and I’m sure it’s from the combination of you being gone and pushing myself with my 8 minute mile tonight. I had a lot of anger to pound out on the pavement and it seemed as if my feet were on fire. Too bad my body decided that it was too much because it felt pretty good. I haven’t run in a few days which always makes me extra anxiety ridden, depressed, and leaves me with extra nervous energy that I don’t need. I had to get that out tonight otherwise I was going to end up doing something drastic; like eating a bag of donuts.
Alright my little man. This is all for tonight. I miss you so very much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.
P.S. A very Happy Birthday to my dear Laura Leigh Chase. My friend since we were 14. My friend forever. I’ll never forget the day in our 8th grade P.E. class when we got “married.”  It was the most gorgeous, sunshiny day outside and we skipped off, holding hands, and went to pick the flowers on the side of the hill instead of participating with the activity that we were supposed to be doing. Instead, we decorated each other with flower hippie headbands and had some pretend to marry each other ceremony. 17 years later and here we are, mama. I am so proud to still be able to call you one of my best friends. I love you. And I am so happy you married Kasey in real life. Have a beautiful day my dear, sweet friend.
xoxo

Every teardrop is a waterfall

Ronan. Ouch. As I sit here and write, my fingers are aching with pain. The kind of pain that shoots all the way down to the tips of my fingers. This only happens to me when I am crying really hard. Like I’ve been doing all day long. I cannot stop. Guess what else I did? I got on a plane to fly back to Phoenix. Alone. As I was walking through the San Diego airport, it hit me that this is my first flight without you since you were diagnosed. We flew everywhere with you to try to get you better. Today, I stepped on that plane all alone without you to take care of anymore. There were no looks of pity from the other passengers because of your little bald head. If anything, people were full of smiles, someone complemented my tan, someone else told me I had pretty eyes and they liked my shoes. All the while in my head I was thinking, “What the fuck is going on?? Don’t you people know my son just died?” I sat on the airplane in the aisle with nobody beside me. Across from me sat a boy. A very cute boy who reminded me so much of you. He had tan skin, light eyes, and gorgeous hair. I thought to myself, I’ll bet Ronan would look similar to this boy if he would have grown up to be his age. The boy was holding a book about running. He also had some rubber bracelets on his wrist that he was wearing. I was content just to sit by myself with my thoughts of you, but then I noticed this boy kept looking down at my foot. He looked over at me and asked what my tattoo said. I smiled and told him that it said “this too shall pass.” He asked what it was for. I smiled again and told him that I had gotten it for my almost 4-year-old son, while he was sick with cancer. The boy didn’t know what to say after that except that he was sorry. I told him it was o.k. I took off my F U Cancer bracelet and gave it to him. He read it and smiled and put it on. I asked him about his running book. He then asked if I wanted to come over and sit with him. I said sure, why not. I sat with this boy and we talked about his running for a bit, but he really wanted to know all about you. For all the crying I did today, I sat with this boy, whose name is Bryson, and we talked about you for the entire flight. I told him about this blog that I write for you and how I had over a million hits on it. He was shocked to say the least and seemed confused as to how many people could know about you and your story. I told him it was because you are such an amazing soul and have so many things to teach to people in life. Turns out, Bryson is 17 and lives in Utah where he is the oldest of 6 kids. He has a little brother who is 4. Bless his mama.

As we were landing, Bryson told me that he wished that I were flying to Utah with him because he loved talking to me. I told him he was sweet and handed him a card with your blog info on it and told him to keep up his running. Shortly after that , I got a message from Bryson saying he looked up your blog and told me how touched he was by our love. He told me that even though he is only 17, he knows I’ll see you again and he could really feel our love and your spirit today. He thanked me for telling him about you and said I have changed his life and have inspired him. I sent him a message back and told him to think of you every time he runs and that you will push him to do great things in his life. I’m not sure why I met this Bryson boy today, but I feel like there was a reason. I feel like you were behind this. It was too random of an instant connection for there not to be a reason. Even if that reason for meeting him was only because of the few minutes I sat and looked at Bryson, before I knew anything about him, and I smiled to myself and felt happy because he reminded me of you in the way he looked. If this is the only reason, it is a good enough reason for me because for those few minutes, I felt like I was staring at an older version of you. So, to you my Bryson friend…. thank you for being such a sweet soul. I told you I felt like you are an old soul and I know you will do great things with your life because of my Ronan baby. He will watch over you:) And keep up your running and your mama too. I love that she is a runner as well.

After I landed, I grabbed a Taxi at the airport and headed to our house. I know I could have had a hundred different people pick me up, but I didn’t want the hovering. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to walk into our house, alone; and do whatever I needed to do. I needed to come home and do this by myself. You’ve been pulling me there for a couple of weeks now. I walked in, threw down my stuff and started screaming for you. I called out your name 20 times and then I ran into my bedroom and there you sat, on our dresser, in your urn. I grabbed you, kissed you, picked you up and held you. I took you into your room and sat in there with you for a long time and screamed for you, talked to you, and cried for you to come back. I opened up your urn, which I have been so afraid to do. I was so scared to see you in there. I took the cotton out and peeked inside to find all of your ashes in a clear bag. I took out the bag and held you and stared at you. Your ashes look like sand. I stayed with you in your room for a long time and wept. I read the sticker on the bag that said that these were the remains of Ronan Sean Thompson. Cremated on May 12, 2011. I almost passed out. You were born on May 12, 2007. I don’t even know what to think about this except it makes me physically ill. And it is insanely cruel, sick, and twisted.

I didn’t really tell anyone I was coming home, but Stacy knew. She showed up at our house and found me in your room, holding you, sitting on the floor crying. She sat and hugged me and rubbed my back. She picked up the phone to talk to your Daddy because I couldn’t answer it. I felt o.k. with her being there. It’s hard for me to break down in front of people and to not push them away. I’m not scared to do this in front of Stacy. I know this is not only because she is an amazing friend, but it has to do with the fact that she lost her sister and she can unfortunately, relate to my pain. This makes it easier for me to let her help me and as much as I try to fight her on it, I usually give in. I gave in tonight and let her stay with me and drive me to where I am staying as I cannot face being at our house right now. She insisted on staying the night, but I pulled a total Ronan move and kicked her out of my hotel room. She didn’t want to leave, but respected that I needed her to. I came home for a couple of reasons and one of them being that I need to grieve about you as I have not had a chance to breakdown fully yet. I cannot do this in front of your brothers and I have been holding this in since you died. I have to let go of these tears that I need to flow for hours upon hours. I’ve cried about you here and there, but not really crying as I have such a responsiblity to Liam and Quinn. I cannot let them see me this way. This is my time that I need with you. Just you and me, Ro.

I’m not here long and I will return back to San Diego on Thursday. I needed to see you. I need to see my therapist. I need to take care of some silly things too. I mostly just need to be, to scream, to cry, to throw things, to talk to you, to yell out loud to you that I need you and can’t live without you. I need to sit in your room like I did tonight and talk to you. I need to do this all alone because I am your mom and you are my son. And there are things I need to tell you that nobody else needs to hear. I need to feel you, to try to sleep without my medication so I can actually remember the things I dream. I need to see you, Ro. I cannot take not seeing you in my day-to-day life anymore, but to not remember dreaming about you is killing me. I need some alone time too. Some quiet to be able to sit and think about you, your life, my life and what the fuck I’m going to do now. How the fuck I’m going to go on because as my dear friend, Charisma, said today, I do not have a choice. She chewed my ass and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I needed to hear the things she said today, as hard as they were to hear because all I felt like screaming back to her was that none of what she was saying, mattered; because you are gone. She is the rational one though; I am not. I know she is right. But now, I need this time with you so I am going to let you guide me little one. I need a day to just cry about you for as long as I need to without having to worry about your brothers seeing me this way. If I don’t do this for you, for myself, I’m going to crack. Mental institution, here I come. I don’t want this to happen so here I sit, alone with my tears and with you. This is exactly what I need now and it is long overdue.

So, my sweet. It’s late, I’m tired without my Ambien so let’s give this organic sleep thing a try. I will wait for you in my dreams. I love you, Ro. To the moon and back forever. I hope you are safe and happy. I miss you so much.

xoxo

Quinn and your shadow

 

 

Ronan. I really tried to have a good day for you, but everything seemed to hit me so hard today. Your brothers slept in late and so did I. I tried to dream about you, but instead I had mostly dreams of nothing of importance. I woke up sad from not being able to see you in my dreams. It is something I hope for every night. I tried to get the day off to a good start. I kept getting emails about the event that was being held at The Biltmore for your Foundation and each one continued to put a smile on my face. I thought today was going to be another o.k. day without you. It was not. It all started with opening my wallet and there was your little social security card. Ouch. I then looked inside my purse for something and found your little I.D. band from the hospital that you used to refuse to wear, so we would break the rules and I would attach it to your pole or onto my wrist instead. You used to throw such a fit about wearing it. The straw that broke the camels back was I was trying to get your brothers ready for the beach and Liam, as always, was giving me a hard time about letting me put on his sunscreen. I was chasing him around to get it on him and I finally just looked at him and said to him angrily, “You need to think about how you are acting, your brother would give anything to be wearing sunscreen right now.” He looked back at me and said, “Who, Quinn?” I then looked back at him and said, “No, Ronan.” I was filled with such anger and sadness that I just started crying right then and there. Right in front of your brothers, and I am supposed to be the mom who is holding all of us together. At that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I broke down right in front of them and there was no stopping it. I sobbed and they both just sat and watched me. Quinn came over to hug me, and Liam just kind of went off into the other room. I quickly packed up our beach things and threw on my big sunglasses so they could not see that I was still a wreck. I took them down to the pool and to let them be distracted by their cousins whom they spent the next few hours with playing in the pool and at the beach. I went down to the beach with them and sat on my towel and just watched them play while I cried and cried and cried. I called your Nana because I have not spoken to her in weeks. I couldn’t really talk to her so instead I let her listen to me cry. She cried with me and we said as much as we both could, which ended up being not a lot. It was good just to have her be on the other end of the phone with me though. I just needed her to be there so I could cry to her. After I got off of the phone with your Nana, I joined the boys in the ocean. At one point, I was playing with Quinn in the sand. He was standing up and there was a little shadow next to him. He said it looked like it was a little mini version of you. We pretended it was you, and he reached down to hold your hand. I took some pictures of it, because it really did look like a little you. We sat and played with the little shadow for about 10 minutes. It was something so simple and sweet but it made us both smile and laugh. These days, we will take any little sign of you that we can get.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We spent the evening with Kenny and Stacy and their kids. We went to dinner and had a good time. They both make me so happy and I love them like family. We are so lucky to have them as friends. I then got a text message from our cousin, Tiffany who said to meet them at the beach as they wanted to do something special for you tonight. We met them down there at 8:30 and all of the kids ended up lighting off sparklers and running around for you. It was so beyond when sweet. Bittersweet. I sat back and watched all of your cousins running around so happy and carefree. I wanted you there so badly. I could have sworn I heard you laughing in the background.

All though the night I kept getting text messages about the event at The Biltmore. Everyone said it turned out so beautifully. I almost have don’t even have words for how many people came together for this in such a short amount of time. The love that surrounds us is almost as beautiful as you, Ronan. These people, most of them whom we don’t even know, have come together because of you. That is what an impact you have had on their lives and I know you will continue to do so. All while holding my hand while I let your little soul guide me. We will make a difference, together. Thank you again, to everyone who worked so hard to support my sweet baby boy tonight. Your love means everything to us. Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I will be able to be a bigger part of this and turn it into something huge. As I’ve said before, this is just the beginning. Childhood Cancer has know become my passion in life and I am going to work so hard to raise awareness and make a difference. Ronan deserves this as do all of the other children who are fighting this in the world. They need a voice and I have no doubt this is now my calling in life.

Off to try to sleep now as it’s been a very long day. I can’t wait to hear all about the event tomorrow. Thank you all again. Thank you for allowing Ronan to be your brightest star in the sky. I love you all.

Sweet dreams my little man. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. G’night Ro.

xoxo

 

 

Is an o.k. day going to be as good as it gets?

 

 

Ronan. It was an o.k. day without you. I had to work for it though. I had to work hard to make it that way and as much as I didn’t want to, I did. I spent the day with your brothers and our cousins. We went to breakfast this morning and then the 4 boys ran off to the Rec Center to play basketball. As we were walking back to get the boys changed, I looked back to make sure we had everyone with us. I almost said out loud, “Where is Ronan?” But I caught myself before those words came out of  my mouth. I so expected to see you running behind all of us. I sat out at the pool with Stacy and her little troops while the boys played basketball. It was weird sitting there in the sun and not having anyone to worry about or take care of. Gosh, a year ago…. this would have been paradise to me. Laying in the sun, headphones on, a book to read, and time to just be peaceful with myself. Today, I hated every second of it. I wanted nothing more but to be worrying about you in the water, to be watching you running around, and splashing about. I would have been so happy to have had the privilege to wrap you up in your little towel after you had gotten out of the cold water. To have held you close to warm you up and then I would have taken you up to our room for your lunch and nap time. We would have napped together like we always used to do. Instead, I watched my dear friend, Stacy, do all these things with her 3-year-old, Kennedy. She is such a little firecracker and reminds me so much of you. She had a total meltdown at the pool which I of course thought was adorable. It was a combination of being hungry, tired and a newly 3 year old. She came and laid down on the lawn chair next to me and put her little head down. I went over to her and rubbed her back for a long time and she calmed down and let me do this to her for about 20 minutes. She then popped up and was fine. It was so sweet but it still hurt. I wanted it to be you that I was comforting, but the fact that Kennedy is slowly letting me into her little world feels good to me. We spent the rest of the day at the pool and I then took your brothers, Jake and Carter over to the grocery store to cash in the recycling bottles that they have saved up. They get 5 cents a bottle and were so excited about it. We took a garbage bag full of bottles over to Vons and I think they ended up getting about 3 dollars out of it. It was important to them and I think a very good life lesson to learn about taking care of our environment and responsibility. They were so excited and happy to spend their money at the vending machines at our condo. All of us adults have been laughing over the 4 boys and their obsession with the vending machine here. It’s as if they have never seen one in their life. They live for meeting up there and spending their change. Such little things but so important to boys who are growing up way too fast. Watching how independent Liam and Quinn are becoming is hard for me. The fact that they are starting to not need me so much anymore because they are big enough to go down to the vending machine alone feels strange. I’m so not used to having things this way. I feel like in the blink of an eye, they have become little men. In more ways than one and unfortunately a lot of that comes from losing you. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I don’t want them to ever feel like they have been robbed of their childhood which is why I am trying to encourage them to be boys and  to learn, explore, make mistakes, but also learn right from wrong. They both have such good heads on their shoulders but when they do things like take a stick and put it up a vending machine to get candy out, and then run to tell me about it, I’m not going to get mad. I want them to be boys in every way possible. Just as long as they also learn there are consequences, but honesty will also go a long way in this family. This is all stuff you should be learning too, Ronan. Your brothers would have been the best teachers to you. I’m sorry everyday of my life for them and for you. I will love them so much more because of your absence. Even though it feels like I have a connection to nothing or anyone, I know it will slowly come back with them. It is days like today that give me that hope.

We had Stacy and her kids over for dinner. Afterwords, we drove over to Pinkberry for Frozen yogurt. I had an unexpected feeling of happiness wash over me when I went to cross the street with Stacy’s little girl, Kennedy, and she grabbed on to my hand and we ran across the street together, with our hands intertwined. It reminded me of you. I sat and watched her devour her frozen yogurt and thought about how much the two of you would have loved each other. I had a flash of seeing you two together and the mischief you would have caused. I ached for it so badly. She loves Liam and Quinn and I know she would have been crazy about you. You two would have been two peas in a pod. After our frozen yogurt, Stacy dropped us off and Liam and Quinn were pretty tired. They fell asleep fairly quickly, almost before I could even tuck them in and we said our good nights to you. They are both so tired from their day of swimming, basketball, and playing in the sun. They miss their cousins who left to go back to Phoenix today already. The good news is, there is a new set of cousins who arrived today so I have no doubt they will be just as entertained.

I ended my night with a phone call from my friend, Doriet. I know you remember her little girl, Esther, who passed away just six days before you. We had a good talk tonight and both seem to be in a similar place; struggling a lot but we both know we have to go on. She had the same kind of connection with her little girl that I had with you. One so strong and deep that you cannot even explain it. You two were such similar souls and I feel that way about her mom and I. We loved the two of you so deeply that is was almost not human. This is one of the reasons I know that we have such a special connection. I think about Doriet everyday and Esther too. I hope you two have found each other and are playing away. Doriet says Esther leaves her signs everywhere. She knows Esther is still with her much like the same way I know you are still with me. I want to go back out to New York maybe in the fall to spend some time with her. I want to go back out to take a picture of you to Dr. Kushner and make him look me in the eyes. I want him to acknowledge the way he handled us was not right in the end. I’m going to lose it if I don’t get to close that chapter in your journey. I really wanted to run in the Marathon for Fred’s Team in NYC next year, but I am so pissed that I don’t even know if I can support his cause. How can I support a man who could so easily just brush you off. I don’t care if people tell me to just let this go because I’m not going to. Parents who have just been told the news that I had to be told, deserve more than that. I don’t care if this doesn’t change him or the way he does things, but he is still going to hear me. I need to know that a fraction of him cared and is human, otherwise I am going to forever think we made a mistake in letting him treat you. Maybe he wasn’t worthy of caring for you, maybe it should have been Dr. Mosse all along at Chop. Fuck me. I told Fernanda the second I met Dr. Mosse that it was her,  that she was going to be the one to save you. It was my gut feeling. But then we decided to go with Dr. Kushner because he said he would do whatever it took to save you. He convinced us. Well, he didn’t. He threw us away like an old rag and this will never sit well with me. I’m pretty sure, no matter what road we chose, your outcome would have been the same. At least that is what I tell myself to get though the day. At the end of the day, your dad and I had to pretty much navigate your treatment ourselves and we did the best we could. It should not be this way. We are not fucking doctors. The fact is, there is no cure when there should be. It’s a matter of luck and you got the short end of the stick my baby. I’m sorry a million times over. I’m sorry for you and my heart breaks daily for Doriet. I love her and I know how badly she is hurting because I am right there with her. It’s not fair and it’s not right. When the time is right, I will go and be with her and we can grieve together because that is one of the bonds we have and it is too strong to let it go. It needs to be done for the two of you and for the both of us.

I love you, Ronan. I’m tired tonight and I miss you so much. I will sleep with you in my heart as I do every night as I cuddle up to your blanket. Thank you for helping me to have an o.k. day today. I really needed it. G’nite my sweet, beautiful boy.

xoxo

 

Don’t stop believing

Ro baby. I looked for you all day. I was so sure you were going to wake me up this morning, as you have done every morning for the past almost 4 years. I woke up with a big, strange person in our bed. It was your daddy. I kept waiting for you to pop out in between us, but you never came. I got up, showered, and got dressed. I waited for you to come in and ask for me to put on some of my sparkly lip gloss that you liked to cover your face in. I waited for you to ask what it was that I was putting on my eyes as I applied my mascara. I waited for you to ask me to give your star wars guys a bath and for me to give you my hairdryer so you could blow dry them. You never came.

Quinn needed a haircut today. I got in the car and drove him to the barber. I looked for you in my rear view mirror, sitting back in your carseat. You weren’t there. Somehow, I got Quinny safely to get his haircut. I’m not sure I should have been driving today as everything is really foggy. My friend, Melissa came and sat with me. I told her how I needed to go to Nordstrom to return some of your Paul Frank underwear that came in the mail and to get Quinn and Liam some shoes for your service on Sunday. She came with me. She helped me get the sizes for your brothers shoes as my mind would not focus today. Everything is a mess. Everything except me. I’m o.k. Remember how a couple of days ago, I was hovering over you and I was crying?? You looked at me and said, “Mom, stop being sad.” You would be proud of me. I’m not sad yet. I’m trying so hard to make you proud. I am scared for the day when all of this hits me and I realize you are really gone. As of now, this all just feels like make believe. I still feel like this is just a trick or a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. Your daddy has been crying a lot. I wonder if something is wrong with me as I am not grieving yet. I’m numb to everything around me.

After I dropped Quinn off at home, I went to my hair appointment. I sat in the chair and was quiet for the most part. Katrina, who shaved your little head, gave me a big hug. She let me sit and just be with my own thoughts but we talked about you for a little bit. I got teary eyed, but did not cry. After my hair appointment, I went to see Dr. Maze. I brought him a coffee in your honor; but it was from A.J.’s and not Starbucks like we usually used to bring to him. We sat in his office for a long time. He has a picture of you up in the middle of his bulletin board. He misses you. I didn’t cry when I sat with him either. I never seem to, as you know he always has given me strength. He has become one of my best friends. Even though he is just a really old man 😉 We laugh about the day that I will push him around in his wheelchair. He told me his mum will look after you now. I had a dream about him saying this to me. That his mom would look after you now. I had asked him this in real life in a text message and he didn’t answer me back. But I dreamt he did and that is what he told me. I asked him today if I dreamed that or if he really had said it. He said that I had dreamed it, but that he knew she would be looking after you. That gave me peace because he loves her so much. I know she will take good care of you until I see you again.

After I left Dr. Maze’s office, I came home and helped your brothers get ready for their baseball game. They played so well and it was such a beautiful night. I kept looking for you on the playground, but I couldn’t find you. Then I remembered, you are gone. Since you’ve been gone something funny has happened everyday. That song by Journey, “Don’t stop believing,” has been playing in the background each day. Tonight, I heard it at the ballpark and it stopped me dead in my tracks. 3 days in a row I’ve heard that song. So weird. I know it’s you. It’s one of your little signs. I will never stop believing in you. At the ballpark, your brothers played an amazing game. They are happy, but they miss you a lot. Quinn was having trouble hitting the ball at one point and I asked for you to help him. I said, “Come on, Ro. Help your brother out.” You did. He hit it out of the park. Your dad and I stood together and talked about you and how you were always so proud and always held your chin up high. You achieved a lifetime of dignity in your 4 years of life that most people never achieve. Even when you died, your chin was held high. You are such an amazing little boy, Ronan. I am so honored I am your mama. I’ll never forget some of your last words to me. “Mama.” Me: “Yes, baby.” You: “I love you.” Me: ” I love you more, Ro.”

Tonight, we rode our bikes over to Uncle Jay’s house so Liam and Quinn could go swimming. I looked for you on your little bike next to me, but you weren’t there. Liam and Quinn swam in the pool and played basketball. I heard them laugh and looked up at the moon to tell you that I love you to the moon and back. I wish you could have been with us. Quinn took big fall on his bike on our way home. His little foot was so bloody and scraped up. We got him home and I thought of you and how brave you have always been. I tried to channel some of your braveness into Quinn. We got home and I did my first load of laundry since you’ve been gone. It was so weird. I still cannot go into your bedroom. I’m saving it for that special time when I know I am ready to fully succumb to this nightmare. I will use your room as the place where I can fully breakdown; when it is my time.

I’ll never forget how you looked hours before you passed. I could have sworn I saw your little eyes trying to form tears. I know it was because you were so sad to leave us. I hate thinking of you sad. I’m trying my hardest to block this memory out and think of you at your happiest times. The times that you were with us and such a carefree, healthy little boy. These memories will keep my heart warm for the rest of my life, baby.

I have to go now. Fernanda and Stacy are here and we are going to go over the way we are honoring you on Sunday. Even though we will honor you for the rest of our lives, baby. I love you, Ro. See you in my dreams.

xoxo

The next person that tells me Ronan wants to go home, to heaven, can piss off

Holy Fuck. How did I get here? I’m at The Ryan House; the most beautiful place we have been so far on this journey because my son is going to die? And everybody knows this except me? Am I in that movie, “The Truman Show,” where everything is just pretend and I’m some experiment being watched to see how I’ll react to everything? Please, please, please, somebody tell me that’s the case. I don’t think it’s even hit me what is going on, why we are here, and why everybody has been crying, until now. Until I stepped outside tonight to get Woody some things from his car and in the room across from us was a baby who was on the verge of her last breath and I stood and watched while it was happening. The door was open and I could not look away. The nurses were crying, parents, family, everyone was hovering over this baby. They were preparing for her to take her last breath. In that room, I saw myself, huddled over Ronan, begging him not to go. Is that my future? Does everybody know this except me? Is this the reason that The Ryan House was full of my friends and family today, and when they all came into Ronan’s room they could not hide their tears. Am I the only one who thinks this is not going to happen?? Even though I am hearing whispers of he has days left. Who are they talking about? Couldn’t possibly be Ronan. He gave me the biggest smile today and told me he loved me to the moon and back. So what if he cannot walk anymore because his legs hurt so badly. I can fix that with Radiation, right? Just like I fixed his arm. So what if he is not wanting to eat anymore, I can fix that too with his all his favorite things like Strawberries and Whipped Cream. I can get him to eat for me. I sent Woody and Fernanda a list of people, resources, other doctors to call today. Woody has been on the phone all day. I’m not accepting this until I hear there is nothing more to do from 100 different people. I’m not giving up. I am his mom, I can fix anything. That is my job and I refuse to fail.

I have not been outside in a couple of days I think. Tonight, I found myself on the patio, curled up on the phone, bawling to my Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I don’t think I screamed, but I remember sobbing and listening to him cry with me. I told him over and over that I cannot have Ro leave me, I cannot live without him, please make it go away. He told me I could yell at him, how sorry he was, and begged me to sleep as I cannot remember the last time I really have. It’s been a couple of days I think. I told him how could I sleep, how could I possibly close my eyes, what if I missed Ronan’s last breath?? I will never forgive myself. I’m not going to miss any time that I have left with him although I forced myself to come outside and write tonight while Woody sits with Ro. You see, if I didn’t, I was on the verge of packing up all of our stuff and getting Ronan out of here. Maybe if I take him away from The Ryan House, he won’t die. My thoughts are not rational, but they seem realistic to me and I could seriously see myself grabbing him and never looking back. I don’t want him to die here. Even though everyone is insisting this is where we should be. I want to be home with him, where he is safe and none of this is real. Being here, magnifies everything by a billion. I don’t like the look of all of the sweet nurses, doctors, and whomever else has been hovering about. They all have the same look of pity, sadness, and no hope. I get the feeling they don’t see miracles happen very often with children that come in here with cancer. Why can’t Ronan be that miracle? Why is that asking too much? We are nice people, we deserve a happy ending. There will be no happy ending of this story if my baby is ripped out of my arms. What will they do with him? Where will they take him? I’m not letting him go. They will have to pry my arms off of him with a fucking bulldozer. I’m not letting him go. Call the fucking psych ward because that’s where I am going to end up if this all goes down the way everyone thinks it is going to.

“Everything happens for a reason.” BULLSHIT. “You were given this because you were strong enough to handle this.” BULLSHIT. “God has a greater plan for Ronan.” Bullshit. “Ronan wants to go home, where he belongs, to Heaven.” MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT. Who the fuck came up with these sayings because the next person I hear say them to me is going to get punched in the face. They may be true if death is not outcome of this. But if it is, then I am going to write down those sayings on a piece of paper and burn them to the ground. Please think before you speak those words. They are the sickest things I have ever heard. Ronan Sean Thompson does not want to go home to heaven where he belongs. I can guarantee you with my life that he wants to stay at his home, in Phoenix, Arizona with the best mommy, daddy, and brothers alive.

I somehow stayed so strong today, even with people buzzing in and out, wiping the tears from their eyes. Stacy, Pam, Heidi, Tiffany, Jennifer, Sharon, Marcia, Auntie Karen, Sister Mary, Dr. Campbell, Katie, Macy, Sarah, Fernanda, Nana, Papa Jim, Aubrey….. they were all here. I think Niki, Heidi and Christy came by too, but I cannot remember seeing them. I smiled and remember saying to New York Miss Macy, “No tears, my dear.” She looked like she could have cried a pool of water right there in front of me. I’m so confused. I must be in shock still. I don’t remember much else about today except for sitting in bed, and taking care of Ronan. I remember a few people coming in and out. I remember eating my one thing that I have eaten in a week, my favorite things, chips and salsa and I remember throwing it up. I remember holding Quinn on my lap and watching him cry as I tried to explain to him as little as possible what was going on. He tried so hard to not cry, but I told him how crying was so good for us and how we cannot keep our feelings bottled up. And now I sit here. With Quinn and Woody inside, and Fernanda is here too with her overnight back so I can have a break and maybe sleep while she watches Ronan for me. I don’t really know what is going on. I know I have the most amazing friends surrounding me but somehow I can only find the courage to see a few faces.

I want to go home but nobody seems to think that’s a good idea. I don’t know what to do as the twins and the way they remember everything is the most important to me, but I also want to respect Ronan and take him home to be the only place he wants to be. I don’t know if I want strangers surrounding him if for some crazy reason he has to leave me. I just want him in my safe bed, in my safe house, the place he loves more than anywhere. I want that not only for myself, but for him as well. I’ve been so open and honest about everything and not the least bit private, but now I want to protect him from strangers hovering about. I don’t want those faces around my baby as he takes his last breaths. I feel a jailbreak coming on. And Ronan has his pistols in his hands to bust us out. Not that we would really need them, because I know the people here are so respectful of what you want to do. But a little cowboy action never hurt anyone.

That is all for tonight as I have officially lost my mind due to lack of sleep and oh, just the little fact that my son has cancer and I am just supposed to sit back and watch him die. FUCK YOU WORLD.

But I love you all as always, as long as you don’t say any of those idiotic things I mentioned above to me. Even if you think them, please don’t say them. They don’t give me strength at all. They even piss my husband off and it takes a lot to get him pissed.

G’nite all you cowboys out there. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

My sweet friend, Charisma sent this to me from her friend, Amber. I love it. Bittersweet. I love you, CC. I love you, Amber and I don’t even know you.

Ronan. Here’s a little prayer for Ronan,  beautiful eyes. Seeing the other side. Courage beyond any man.
He will be there. In the trees. In the leaves. It will make her live life, hate life, love life beyond…
Rebirth. Always more chances.
Those eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes.
Fabulous eyes.
We will light a candle at dinner for Ronan tonight and celebrate life.
~Amber

I get by with a little help from my friends

There is no better way to start a Sunday morning than meeting up with my girlfriends at Taylor’s for breakfast. Tricia, Bethany, Fernanda, and Stacy all came prepared with everything we needed to talk about as far as getting things in the works for transplant. These women, I swear could rule the world. Smart, compassionate, funny, beautiful, and savvy are just a few things that come to mind when describing them. Fernanda came armed with a lot of printouts about questions we need to have answered about the isolation period and we put together a pretty good game plan. It was a little overwhelming but I know not to worry too much because these girls have it all under control. There is no way that they will not have everything and more covered. We started lists of everything from who will do laundry to the schedule for Liam and Quinn, to who will sneak me in coffee when I need it. There is nothing these girls will miss and I could not have more peace of mind with whom I am leaving things in charge of. Fernanda has read over 60 blogs of other Neuroblastoma moms and knows everything we need to do and ask.

As we were leaving Taylor’s I was getting into Tricia’s car and she looked over at me and called Fernanda a real life Superwoman. She hit the nail on the head with that one. Fernanda is a even better than Superwoman… she is my version of a Spanish Superwoman with sass, spice, brains, compassion, and just the right amount of  a fiery attitude to help me kick ass through this. Then there is Stacy. The most loyal person I have ever met who loves me like I am family. Who knows just how to calm me down by just giving me a look. If there is ever a time that I feel overwhelmed or panicked, all I have to do is look in Stacy’s eyes and I know everything is going to be alright. She is the type of person who will bend over backwards for you, without ever asking a thing in return. She gives with her entire heart, no questions asked, and fills me with the peace and calmness that I so need in my life right now. And Bethany. You look up the definition of Grace and Beauty in the dictionary, and you will find Bethany’s picture. She is somebody that I have known almost my entire life, just not well at all until now. She is guarded but wears her heart on her sleeve. I am honored that she has slowly let me into her life as it takes a lot to earn Bethany’s trust. She is the most amazing mommy, wife, friend and someone who I would trust with my life and the life of my children 110%. Last but not least, there is my Tricia Boo. My best friend for 6 years now and we have the kind of friendship that dreams are made of. It’s been a six year love story and now she has basically given up everything to help me through this. She is the Godmom to Ronan and my saving grace. There is no way I would be able to get through this without her. Sitting at breakfast this morning I felt so fortunate so be surrounded by these women. One of the biggest gifts I have received on this journey is finding out what people are really made of. The people that are in our lives, right now, at this moment, are pure gold. They are my hidden treasures whose hearts keep me filled with courage and strength. I am beyond blessed.

I think I just wrote a love letter to my sweet girlfriends above… I could seriously write a book on each and every one of them. You know how else I know I am beyond blessed?? Because I just took the time to write about those 4 girls above and I have a handful more amazing girlfriends who I could go on and on about as well. You all know who you are and I love you so much. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you are doing for me, for Ro, for our family. I will simply tell you everyday how much I love you and how thankful I am that people like you exist in the world and I treasure you all so much. Thank you for being the truest friends alive in the purest way possible.

After breakfast, Trish came over and we sat down with Woody to go over everything. We started an online calendar to get the ball rolling on what exactly needs to happen and to figure out which days/nights I will be in the hospital and which days/nights I will be at home. Seeing this on a calendar defiantly makes me feel better. Having something to look at helps to calm my nerves. I feel like we are starting to put a very good plan into place. The thing with cancer is everyday is different and you never know what to expect, but at least this gives me a little something to hold on to. I thrive in structure and with a good plan in place I feel like I will be able to fully focus on Ronan if I know who is doing what on this day and at this time.

Today, the boys’ played with their cousin Luke for most of the day. We also had Luke’s sister Lily over to play as well. She was such a little trooper, keeping up with a house full of 4 crazy boys. I took her up the street for some girly time and we got mani and pedicures. Lily is 8 and is just as sweet as her brother. I never get little girl time, so I was in heaven. She is darling and I loved spending time with her today. We both got glitter nail polish on our toes and Lily got pink on her nails with a little flower design. I would steal those kids every weekend if I could:) It is adorable to see this new relationship flourish between cousins.

After Luke and Lily went home, I could tell Liam wasn’t feeling well today. He took a big nap which he never does and woke up with a sight fever. I sat and held him for a bit but we had to call Mimi and Papa to pick him up so he could go and stay at their house for the night. We can’t take any chances around Ronan if Liam does have something. I hate that I can’t take care of my little guy who isn’t feeling well. I mean, that’s supposed to be my job… I’m his mom. We don’t have a choice though, we cannot have Ronan getting sick with anything before transplant. Off he went and Woody, Ro, Quinn and I walked down to Jay’s house to watch the Superbowl. We had a great time and Jay was the master of the BBQ making the best steaks ever. We hung out, watched football, ate, and played catch outside. Ronan got tired around half-time so I brought him home. Quinn and Ro are fast asleep now and Woody is having some boy time with Jay and Mark. He needs that so much. I am so happy that Woody’s best friend now lives right around the corner from us. It has been nothing but great for all of us.

Alright, xanex is kicking in. I must get a good night sleep tonight…. I have so much going on this week and if I am not sleeping, lord knows what I will forget to do or what I will mess up. I’ve got to try to start sleeping more at night…. otherwise my brain turns into mush and I cannot focus or remember a thing. Hope you all had a great weekend. It was one of the best weekends we have had in a very long time. Goodnight to all of you out there… sweetest dreams possible.

xo

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called “Yellow.”

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to’ve done,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cuz you were all yellow,

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know,
For you I’d bleed myself dry,
For you I’d bleed myself dry.

It’s true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for…
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine…

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

The little monkey made it through the night

We ended up staying out of the hospital last night. Ronan slept and slept hard. His fever was off and on through the night, but did not ever go above 100.1. So thankful.  I had the most awful dreams last night. UGH. I can’t shake them this morning. I had a dream that Ronan could no longer have his Stem Cell Transplant because he had too much Neuroblastoma everywhere. All of our doctors were in my dream and there was a lot of screaming, crying, and hitting done by me. Can’t I catch a freaking break?? Why can’t my sleep be at least be peaceful; my days are filled with so much crap you’d think I’d at least be able to take a break while I sleep. Not the case, ever. I need a break today. I may have to just bite the bullet and leave Ronan for a bit to go and hike Camelback or something. I need to clear my head for just awhile.

The boys’ are excited to watch the Packers football game today (Go Packers!) and they also have a birthday party to go to as well. Woody and Quinn are still asleep and I am cuddled on the couch with Ro and Liam watching Mickey Mouse. Ronan does not want to do anything; except have me be by his side. The little guy gets upset if I even leave his side to get up and try to do some things around the house. Macy and I have been laughing about this on the phone and calling him my warden. He certainly is the one who rules the household around here. I don’t mind, I secretly like being his slave. Especially when he looks at me and tells me I’m the best mommy in the world. It’s moments like that, that make me realize I can get him through this because he is so worth all of this.

On Friday night I got a call from my OBGYN,(the BEST one in the world, Dr. Kathleen Schwartz) We have been trying to connect forever but I keep missing her when I am in for my visits. She is the one who delivered my twins and Ronan. It was so nice to hear her voice and to talk to her for awhile. The first thing I said to her was, “Can you believe this is happening to us?” She was very sweet and very concerned and it was nice to catch her up to speed on things.

All of my little monkeys are up now so I’ve got to get breakfast made. Have a great morning… I basically just wanted to update you on Ro’s fever. Hoping we continue to keep him home. Thank you Stacy Frakes for saving my life with your Hava Java delivery this morning! You are the BEST!!!!!

If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I’d bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

And if I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh, what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you

And it is true what you say
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I’ll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to drown
Your love is going to . . . .