Don’t stop believing


Ro baby. I looked for you all day. I was so sure you were going to wake me up this morning, as you have done every morning for the past almost 4 years. I woke up with a big, strange person in our bed. It was your daddy. I kept waiting for you to pop out in between us, but you never came. I got up, showered, and got dressed. I waited for you to come in and ask for me to put on some of my sparkly lip gloss that you liked to cover your face in. I waited for you to ask what it was that I was putting on my eyes as I applied my mascara. I waited for you to ask me to give your star wars guys a bath and for me to give you my hairdryer so you could blow dry them. You never came.

Quinn needed a haircut today. I got in the car and drove him to the barber. I looked for you in my rear view mirror, sitting back in your carseat. You weren’t there. Somehow, I got Quinny safely to get his haircut. I’m not sure I should have been driving today as everything is really foggy. My friend, Melissa came and sat with me. I told her how I needed to go to Nordstrom to return some of your Paul Frank underwear that came in the mail and to get Quinn and Liam some shoes for your service on Sunday. She came with me. She helped me get the sizes for your brothers shoes as my mind would not focus today. Everything is a mess. Everything except me. I’m o.k. Remember how a couple of days ago, I was hovering over you and I was crying?? You looked at me and said, “Mom, stop being sad.” You would be proud of me. I’m not sad yet. I’m trying so hard to make you proud. I am scared for the day when all of this hits me and I realize you are really gone. As of now, this all just feels like make believe. I still feel like this is just a trick or a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. Your daddy has been crying a lot. I wonder if something is wrong with me as I am not grieving yet. I’m numb to everything around me.

After I dropped Quinn off at home, I went to my hair appointment. I sat in the chair and was quiet for the most part. Katrina, who shaved your little head, gave me a big hug. She let me sit and just be with my own thoughts but we talked about you for a little bit. I got teary eyed, but did not cry. After my hair appointment, I went to see Dr. Maze. I brought him a coffee in your honor; but it was from A.J.’s and not Starbucks like we usually used to bring to him. We sat in his office for a long time. He has a picture of you up in the middle of his bulletin board. He misses you. I didn’t cry when I sat with him either. I never seem to, as you know he always has given me strength. He has become one of my best friends. Even though he is just a really old man 😉 We laugh about the day that I will push him around in his wheelchair. He told me his mum will look after you now. I had a dream about him saying this to me. That his mom would look after you now. I had asked him this in real life in a text message and he didn’t answer me back. But I dreamt he did and that is what he told me. I asked him today if I dreamed that or if he really had said it. He said that I had dreamed it, but that he knew she would be looking after you. That gave me peace because he loves her so much. I know she will take good care of you until I see you again.

After I left Dr. Maze’s office, I came home and helped your brothers get ready for their baseball game. They played so well and it was such a beautiful night. I kept looking for you on the playground, but I couldn’t find you. Then I remembered, you are gone. Since you’ve been gone something funny has happened everyday. That song by Journey, “Don’t stop believing,” has been playing in the background each day. Tonight, I heard it at the ballpark and it stopped me dead in my tracks. 3 days in a row I’ve heard that song. So weird. I know it’s you. It’s one of your little signs. I will never stop believing in you. At the ballpark, your brothers played an amazing game. They are happy, but they miss you a lot. Quinn was having trouble hitting the ball at one point and I asked for you to help him. I said, “Come on, Ro. Help your brother out.” You did. He hit it out of the park. Your dad and I stood together and talked about you and how you were always so proud and always held your chin up high. You achieved a lifetime of dignity in your 4 years of life that most people never achieve. Even when you died, your chin was held high. You are such an amazing little boy, Ronan. I am so honored I am your mama. I’ll never forget some of your last words to me. “Mama.” Me: “Yes, baby.” You: “I love you.” Me: ” I love you more, Ro.”

Tonight, we rode our bikes over to Uncle Jay’s house so Liam and Quinn could go swimming. I looked for you on your little bike next to me, but you weren’t there. Liam and Quinn swam in the pool and played basketball. I heard them laugh and looked up at the moon to tell you that I love you to the moon and back. I wish you could have been with us. Quinn took big fall on his bike on our way home. His little foot was so bloody and scraped up. We got him home and I thought of you and how brave you have always been. I tried to channel some of your braveness into Quinn. We got home and I did my first load of laundry since you’ve been gone. It was so weird. I still cannot go into your bedroom. I’m saving it for that special time when I know I am ready to fully succumb to this nightmare. I will use your room as the place where I can fully breakdown; when it is my time.

I’ll never forget how you looked hours before you passed. I could have sworn I saw your little eyes trying to form tears. I know it was because you were so sad to leave us. I hate thinking of you sad. I’m trying my hardest to block this memory out and think of you at your happiest times. The times that you were with us and such a carefree, healthy little boy. These memories will keep my heart warm for the rest of my life, baby.

I have to go now. Fernanda and Stacy are here and we are going to go over the way we are honoring you on Sunday. Even though we will honor you for the rest of our lives, baby. I love you, Ro. See you in my dreams.

xoxo

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125 thoughts on “Don’t stop believing

  1. Jamaica Hadaller

    Maya~ I am so very amazed at your strength and openness at this time. You are such an inspiration to me and to your world of readers through this journey you have been on. I will never stop believing in you and your family’s strength to overcome anything that comes your way. How can you not after something like this? Thank you for being you!

    1. Karen

      Maya ,your an amazing mother and so so strong your in my prayers daily and I am so forever changed by your story and your sons courage and beautiful sparkly eyes ,he has impacted me and I want to be better at being a mother and grandmother and anything I can because of him.I pray for courage and strength in your coming days and your son Ronan will always be proud of you never ever forget that,and your lovely boys Quinn an Liam and your husband Woody I pray for them as well that you all find peace and help to carry on,I know it will never be easy but you will learn to cope and find a cure! with all my love Karen

  2. Laurie

    Maya,

    I was driving to the grocery store tonight and thinking of all of you…as I entered the parking lot I heard that exact song. My eyes welled up thinking of you and Ronan and to read this tonight has made my stomach flip. I will always be here if you need anything.

  3. Amanda

    You astound me with your strength, you are such an amazing person. I can’t even imagine what you are going through yet you stay strong. You and your family have been on my mind a lot lately, I even dreamt about you and Ronan last night, both of you were so happy, the biggest smiles on your faces, it was such a beautiful sight, it was a short moment and I remember hugging you both, I woke up in tears. You inspire me so much I have so much respect for you and your family. I have no doubt in my mind that you all will get through this and Ronan will always be there with you, your husband and the twins.

  4. Jay's Mom

    Your posts give me strength. I am inspired by your love, strength and honesty. Thank you for sharing your and Ronan’s story. Wishing you peace and solace.

  5. Harmony

    Today was my first time visiting your site and I have thought about you and Ro all day long. Every time I looked at my boys (and daughter), every time I got annoyed about something small….I thought of you and knew I could let it go. There are so many more important things, like our time together and it sounds like your time with Ro was amazing. My son turns 4 on Sunday and I just keep thinking about your little boy. I kept thinking about what I wanted to say to you and all I kept thinking was, “we believe in you” and then I read your post tonight and there it was….Believe. I hope you can feel us holding you up the best we can from “cyberspace”. Please keep writing.

  6. kim van alen

    I second what Jamaica wrote, Maya. You are an incredible woman, and have been on my mind constantly. Thank you for writing, we are all grieving with you, and for me, reading your amazing words is such comfort. I pray every single night your sweet, gorgeous baby boy visits you in the sweetest of dreams for the rest of your life!

  7. Kristie Stevenson

    Maya~
    You are absolutely amazing. I’ve thought of you all day. Such a strong woman you are to get up, shower and face the world. Your twins will always view you as their Hero! Your strength will be something they never forget. You are truly an inspiration! I’m sure Ronan is so proud seeing his mommy up and around and going on. We don’t even know each other and yet I feel so connected to you. I’ll continue to pray for strength and peace to overwhelm you. Truly, you and Ronan have touched and changed my life ❤ ~Kristie Stevenson

  8. Colleen

    Your post is beautiful. God, I just can’t believe that you’re having to write this. It’s so heartbreaking. I am humbled and honored to have been allowed to share in you family’s journey. I will forever be touched by Ronan, and the love he was surrounded by. Sending so much love and so many hugs and many prayers to you all.

  9. Frazier

    My hero is already up there Ronan. His name is Mattie Stepanek and he was just 13 when died. He was a famous poet who was wise beyond his years. He was a peacemaker. He used to say”remember to play after every storm” … Now you can play Ronan, run and jump and watch over your brothers and your mom and dad , but remember to just be 4. Mattie is my hero, he was strong like you, you both knew more about life than most , and you were humble. Mattie will take care of you Ronan. He will teach you love and joy. Now I have 2 heros and together you and Mattie with continue to teach the world!!!! By sweet Ronan, I love you, tell Mattie hello for me.

  10. Jen S

    Maya, I’m across the country in NJ tonight, on a work trip again, a similar work trip where a few weeks ago, on the way home I met you and Ronan on the plane… and I’m awake thinking about you. Praying for you guys. And just completely awed and inspired by you and your willingness to share your story with all of us. I’ll never stop believing. I know you won’t either. Thank you for sharing your story and your family’s lives with all of us.
    Jen S

  11. Missy

    Maya, I’m so sorry. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thinking of you and your family. Your words are perfectly written and they have forever changed my life. I’m sending lots of love and prayers your way….love you

  12. Lisa Ferris

    Maya,
    I am so very sorry that Ronan is no longer physically here, he still stands beside you, of this I am certain. He is a part of so many lives, he has left his footprints on so many hearts.
    You have an amazing strength that just shines through, continue to write because we are here to listen.
    Much love xxxxxx

  13. Nichole

    As I sit here with tears pouring down my cheeks I realize that I have to share this with you..because its too crazy..this morning on my way to work that song came on and the first thing I thought of was your beautiful boy. Though we have never met; I have followed your blog, prayed like crazy and have told everyone I come in contact with, about Ronan’s courageous battle. I was crushed when I read the news yesterday and prayed it wasn’t true..I will forever be a fan of Rockstar Ronan and although my heart is broken I cannot even fathom what your family, friends, and all those who were closest to Ro are going through. Thank you so much for your posts as hard as I know they may be. Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us and most importantly Thank You for writing the most touching, raw, and beautiful blog out there..Sweet Dreams sweet Maya..sweet dreams Ro, I will never stop believing!!

  14. alexandria

    I have been thinking about you all day. I don’t really understand the emotion I have been feeling. I hope one day I can meet u. And hug u like I’ve never hugged anyone before. I am so blessed to have been a part of sharing ur story & I will cherish every moment I have with my daughter. I can not believe how strong u are. The last post makes me want to go get a purple star tattoo also. I think I actually will like the one on his cape he’s wearing with the R in the middle. I don’t know how you are being so strong. But please know that I love u and ronan very much even tho I don’t know you guys. I really wish I could have met Ro. I don’t know if I’m just rambling or if I’m even making any sense. Im balling my eyes out as I’m writing this. Ur a wonderful mother & at 17 I wish as I grow & continue my journey of motherhood I can be half of a mother as you are. Love always, alex

  15. K.M

    That was such an amazing love letter to your baby boy. This whole blog is an amazing love letter to sweet baby Ro. He is so proud of you. He had such a fight in him (although I did not know him) and such strength no doubt that came from his Mama. We have been thinking about all 5 of you non stop. I’m sure everybody that knows you or about you has. I hope some how it helps knowing how many people lives Ro has changed forever. Ok that was crap nothing will help but I hope it reminds you everyday that he is AMAZING to touch so many people who have never met him but are truly better people because of him. Have a wonderful time with Ro in your dreams sweet Maya, because I know you will be together loving each other to the moon.

  16. Jenny

    Dear Maya,
    I am in awe of your strength, your fierceness and the way you write.
    I am so sad after reading your latest blog but it got me thinking…
    Ronan is not gone from your side, Maya. He is everywhere. Ronan is in everything you see and everywhere you go.
    Your precious baby boy gets to live forever, right here with everyone who loved him.
    You are an inspiration to all mothers.
    Hugs, Jenny

  17. Aya

    I’m a stranger to you. But my heart and prayers are with you.

    God bless your little Ronan’s soul. And may he rest in peace. Children are angel in heaven.

    Stay strong for the sake of your two boys. May God be with you!

  18. Monna

    My heart is breaking for you as I read this although we have not ever met. There are no words I can say to make you feel better. Just know that so many other mothers are grieving and weeping with you as you say your goodbyes to your precious sweetheart. You will be in my prayers.
    Monna

  19. Shayla

    Maya, I can’t begin to describe what an inspirational woman you are and how your story and Ronan’s journey has FOREVER changed me and who I aspire to be as a mother. Since reading your blog for the first time yesterday, I haven’t stopped thinking about you or Ronan. I’ve cried all day and wept in ways I haven’t since the loss of a close friend 10 years ago. You’re moving and your way with words makes me feel like we’re family living through every moment with you. I have a 2 year old son and can’t image for a second how you’re feeling, so I won’t pretend to. I can say that through this devastation, I amongst many others, are invested in supporting your efforts to finding a cure for this cruel and unnecessary monster. You’re a beautiful, courageous, and loving mother. Ronan’s memory will forever be in our hearts and his sparkly blue eyes in our mind. We love you.

  20. susan

    Maya,
    I saw you at the baseball field tonight and wanted to come up to you and give you a big hug and tell you how sorry I am but somehow couldn’t. Saying I am sorry to you just didn’t seem like enough. So instead I said and did nothing, feeling like I should you give you space to think, breath, mourn. But I want you to know that while I don’t really know you, I feel your pain, loss, sadness, anger, you name it as only a mother could. Over the past 10 months, I have gotten to know your precious boys, Woody and your inlaws and I hope over time to get to know you. Your messages/blog have filled my heart and Ronan’s strength and fight have inspired me each and every day. What a rockstar he is and will always be! And I promise that the next time I see you, I will give you that hug.

  21. Lori

    Maya,

    You are always in my thoughts, I wish I could hug you tight and be by your side through this nightmare. Just know I mm here if you need me. Although I never had the blessing of meeting your little Ronan, he has forever changed my life. Knowing Woody and getting to know you through your blog, I have no doubt he shared your spirit. You are all amazing and I hope one day to be able to tell you this in person. Love and wishes of peace, tonight and always,

    Lori

  22. dawn

    Every moment of the day you are in my thoughts and my heart! Music will always be that sign you get that Ronan is nearby. It happens to me so often from my brother who is in heaven.
    There are so many things I want to say to you but struggle getting them on paper….I believe a hug would say it all.

  23. Patrice M

    I am deeply saddened. I have been unable to stop thinking about you all today. I had such hope and such belief this would be over for you all. I am so angry.
    I am so proud of you and your strength…keeping your twins’ spirits high today. You are amazing.
    My family and I were visiting Disneyland today…and when I read your blog (early this a.m.) I was balling and not wanting to enter the park with my kids. But, ironically, we parked in the “Woody” parking lot, and the first show we went to today had a character with the name “Gigi”. I immediately thought of you all…and thought it was coincidental and how I needed to march forward and have the best day possible with my kids, and in honor of your son Ronan. We even made it to the Jedi traning camp, and I thought of you all during this time.
    Keep writing and sharing your story with us, Maya. I will forever be a fan of you and your family and look forward to the day that this sick cancer has a cure.
    xoxo

  24. Marie Brigman

    Maya~I really hope you never stop writing. I hope that just being so honest and open with all the things that you are thinking and feeling will help you with the pain that you feel now and the pain that will come later. If you stop writng it would be like losing you both…that would be UNBEARABLE. Just like so many others I too am amazed by your strength, grace,courage and honesty.Thank you so much for sharing Ronan and his amazing story. You continue to inspire me every day.I just wish there was something I could do for you. xoxox

  25. Donna Richards

    Sweet Maya!
    Your words are beyond beautiful to your sweet boy. My words are so empty, and I know, unless I can tell you I can bring your baby back, are of little comfort right now. I know he is smiling down at you, and so proud of his Mama. Your strength and courage is so humbling. We love you, and I, along with all of Ro’s warriors reading your blog, will never stop fighting for a cure. Rock on little Rockstar. All of out love to you and your family. The Richards

  26. Jill Wheeler

    Thank you Maya. Thank you for sharing your story. You have touched thousands of lives & have made me realize how precious my little boy is. Not that I didn’t know it already but… you know what I mean. Thank you, to the moon & back. You are an amazing woman.

  27. flippedbird

    Maya,
    There are no words….our hearts break for you. I hope to meet you one day and give you a hug. May Ronan come to you in your dreams, tonight and always.
    xoxo
    marci

  28. Christi Bird

    Maya, I only recently started following your blog, but I cannot begin to express the impact it has had on me. I have spent the past 2 nights awake trying to come up with the “right” thing to say. I know that you are not the only mother to lose a child to cancer, but you are the only mother in that position to touch me in this way. There is just something about the realness that you are able to convey that makes you different. I lost my mom to this stupid fucking disease and I had similar experiences and feelings. Although losing a child cannot compare, I too felt guilty for increasing the pain meds in the end and I too had to be pulled out of the room after she died. (And yes, I just said died…for some reason I have never liked the phrase “passed away.”) My mom DIED and it was the worst day of my life! I would not normally say this, but you speak the truth, so I will too… People will tell you that “time heals,” but it’s not true. In some ways I think time makes it harder, because you get further away from the memories and you become consumed with not forgetting. Your blog is the best thing you can do to prevent that from happening for you. I also believe that you are right in believing that Ro wants you to be strong. Sometimes when I am sad about missing my mom I let things go…I have to remind myself how pissed off she would be at me and it makes me get myself together. I hear the song “Ooh ooh child…things are gonna get easier, Ooh ooh child things will get brighter.” I hear it in the damnedest places and it’s not exactly a popular song. She is there for me just like Ro is for you now. You WILL get through this…there WILL be brighter days…it’s what he wants and I know you will give that to him. One final thought, I am horrified that we have the technology to put people on the moon, but we haven’t found a cure for this stupid disease. It may sound silly, but I think we may have something here…the putting people on the moon fact and the fact that one of your sayings to Ro was how you love him to the moon and back. When you find the cure, we can market it somehow with the moon theme. 🙂

  29. carrie ball

    I believe that song was on purpose too. I think it is wonderful to feel him everywhere with you. I am so very sad for your loss. I pray for your strength and healing, you will grieve your own way, you have been going 200% for so long, I worry when you actually slow down, I hope you always have someone to spend time with you. Please give Woody my thoughts and prayers and the boys as well. I hope you have wonderful dreams Maya, God Bless.
    Carrie

  30. Glenda

    Maya, your strength and courage are amazing. Your love for Rockstar Ro is so real. I hope he comes to you in your dreams. Ro will always be with you. He will always keep your heart warm.

    When my mom passed to this ugly disease called Cancer, I did the same thing. I went and got my nails done. Went shopping. I did it all for her. So she can be proud of me. I always thought of the good memories and the happier times and although it’s been very hard, she’s a part of me every day and I know she’ll be proud of my strenght to move forward and be strong for her.

    What I’m trying to say is that Ro is very very proud of you and will forever love you. You did the best any mother can do to fight for him. He knows how much you love him and that he was your life, but now you have to be strong for him and for Woody, Quinn and Liam.

    Sending you hugs… big hugs…and strength as you continue to move forward. Ro left his footprints on my heart too. Thanks for sharing him with all of us and thanks for continuing your love story with Ro.

    You words and your rawness is amazing. You have a beautiful eloquent way to write. Keep doing it…and keep believing.

    Sweet Dreams!! XXOO

  31. Sandra Foutz

    Where do you find these great quotes Maya? I think being numb right now is allowing you to cope.

    Tomorrow we are going to the oncology clinic. Thinking about it makes me want to cry because I know that you don’t have the luxury of bringing Ronan in any more It’s a shitty place to be and you don’t even have that anymore…

    You better not stop believing. What a wise little man.

  32. Evette Jackson

    MODERATOR ~ please review.
    Dear Maya,
    When I first saw the image of your beautiful Ronan’s face, his beauty took my breath away. I read your blog in disbelief, looked again at the most stunning boy I have ever seen and turned from what seemed impossible ~ a living angel given a horrible fate. I had the luxury of choosing a happy ending for your family and I looked away. I remembered his eyes though and, periodically, they brought me back to your blog…your personal journal that you share with so much eloquence, such courage and such emotion that it became a part of my life, my prayers and my routine.
    Your words and your journey bring the worst possible fears of a parent as close to reality as one could get. The honesty in your pain…your calmness in your suffering and, always, your willingness to share with such bravery. I follow your words for inspiration and to share the parts of your lives that you have so graciously let me be a part of.
    Ronan’s story has changed lives. Your love as his mother has touched all of us and your strength has stirred my own soul; the one that once only looked from a distance now hears a calling to move, to fight, to educate and to change. I cry with you. I pray for your son and all who love him, but as a follower of your story, I must and will do more than that.
    Why young Ronan? Why you? I do not understand any part of this tragedy other than Ronan was meant for you and you were meant to be his one and only Mama.
    I will never know your pain, but I can feel inspiration from your bravery and help to make Ronan’s legacy live on.
    I love you and I wrote this for you to have.

    For My Mama, From Your Ronan

    The first feelings, the first voice of love I knew
    Arms of love, nothing that they couldn’t do
    Holding tight, forever making
    My heart nurtured, never breaking
    In the bonds of love made just for me and you.

    I heard you say I came and filled an empty part
    And life was love but missing me right from the start
    A world of love so fun and free
    I am to you – you are to me
    Mama, me and you; you know you stole my heart.

    When I left, I had to take that empty space
    Part of you to keep that fills the same embrace
    My soft hand holding your fingers
    The scent of me will stay and linger
    Keep these things and hold them tightly in my place.

    But for me, Mama, the hole you never really knew-
    The short time we got to spend so fast it flew,
    Is not again what once was missing
    It’s the part of you I’m kissing
    And the piece of me you’re wishing was with you.

    I brought that piece of you with me to keep me tight
    For when I look and see you weeping in the night
    I’ll touch your dreams while you are sleeping
    All my love I’ll feel you keeping
    Just as you did every moment of my life.

    Blue stars watch you and you’ll feel those eyes are mine
    Mama, do not worry for me; we’ll be fine
    I’ll be waiting, happy, strong
    All five together, nothing wrong
    Knowing always I’m the son who made yours shine

    I took your heart with me so I can keep you near
    So Mama when you think of me, please do not fear
    We will not be far for long
    And as you wonder where I’ve gone
    Please keep the love that kept us strong, I’m always here.

    You are loved. Always.

    1. Glenda

      Evette, you are so gifted… amazing beautiful poem. What a beautiful tribute for Maya from Rockstar RO! Love it!

  33. Marci Kaplan

    Let’s find a cure for neuroblastoma, it is imperative!
    Too many beautiful children like Ronan are dying from
    this monster. We must make everyone aware that innocent
    children are getting cancer every day and we have to find
    out why. Let’s all help Maya and honor Ronan’s memory by
    working towards wiping neuroblastoma off the
    face of the earth!

  34. Leigh Donahue

    Maya,
    You are such a beautiful writer! I thought about you and your family all day yesterday. My sweet little boy Conner and I have been praying for Ronan every night since we heard his story. We still said our nightly little prayer for him, his mommy, daddy, and big brothers.
    I pray for your strength as you go through the next few days, weeks, months, and years.

    Love,
    Leigh Donahue

  35. jenn

    Maya
    Thank you for sharing your story and Ronan’s journey. I have no doubt that your little Ro is proud of his momma. What strength you have,and its that strength that will get you through on the toughest of days,that and knowing that Ronan will always be right by your side helping you.I hope you continue writing because we will all continue to to be here and may you find peace in knowing how many people Ronan left his impession on and we are all better people because of him!!!!

  36. Tara

    I heard this song yesterday and thought of you

    Thousands of people are holding your hand, Maya! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and for sharing Ro with the world. He has touched so many people and will never be forgotten.

  37. Paula

    Maya, your strength amazes me.

    I read your blog everyday and it takes my breath away. I am so sorry for you and your family’s pain xx

  38. jenoel2002

    I hope you will continue to write and I hope you never Stop Believing because You and Ronan have a chance to change the world, You made and make a difference in this world Maya you already have and so has Ronan and now he cannot Physically fight that awful fucking cancer but he knew You would keep fighting as we know You will and so many will fight beside you. Your Ronan was amazing and taught me more about courage than I learned in 38 years. God Bless you Maya
    And for Ronan May The Force Be With You

  39. Farrah

    You are so strong to be able to share your feelings like this with the world. When you asked if something was wrong with you because you are not grieving yet, I just wished I could grab you and hug you and tell you, “No, there is nothing wrong with you!” Your instincts are taking over and getting you through this. Sometimes being a little numb to the situation is the best way at first. You will grieve exactly the way you need to. Grief is so personal and everyone handles it differently. Right now, I’m sure there is so much you feel you need to do and plan, but there will be plenty of time to “process” when your ready. I lost my father when I was little, and I can remember being at my grandparents after the service, and I asked a family friend if I was going to hell because I didn’t cry at the funeral. She assured me that I wasn’t, and that I would cry when I needed to. She was right. You will grieve the way you need to, when you need to. I am thinking of you, and praying for all of you. Love you.

  40. Marcia

    Maya, I read this poem a while ago and I thought it would be perfect for you now. Your little Ronan is always in my thoughts and prayers.

    The Cord
    Author Unknown

    We are connected,
    My child and I,
    By an invisible cord,
    Not seen by the eye.

    It’s not like the cord
    That connects us ’til birth
    This cord can’t be seen
    By any on earth.

    This cord does its work
    Right from the start.
    It binds us together
    Attached to my heart.

    I know that it’s there
    Though no one can see
    The invisible cord
    From my child to me.

    The strength of this cord
    Man could create
    It withstands the test
    Can hold any weight.

    And though you are gone,
    Though you’re not here with me,
    The cord is still there
    But no one can see.

    It pulls at my heart
    I am bruised…. I am sore,
    But this cord is my lifeline
    As never before.

    I am thankful that God
    Connects us this way
    A mother and child
    Death can’t take away

  41. Colette

    Maya what an amazin woman you are. Prayed for strength and peace and looks like God answered that. Wish he would have answered the other part too. Makes me so sad and I cannot even imagine the pain an hurt. I am so happy though that Ro is no longer in pain or hurting. I am so blessed to know all of you through you blog. I remember you from Kelso , but thank you for what you are doing. I have lost 3 family members to this flippen disease. I hate it.
    I want to help find a cure. We in Vancouver, Longview an Kelso are right with you! Let’s do this
    My love and prayers for you and your family
    Colette

  42. Stacey Boltz

    Maya,

    More tears… I continue to be inspired by your strength.

    Don’t stop believing really is the best message. Incredible.

    Best,
    Stacey

  43. Alyssa Crews

    I’m so glad you feel Ronan’s presence. The song. Quinn hitting the ball out of the park. I know his spirit is right there next to you. It always will be. But still, I wish he was here. I miss him being with you. I talk to my friend’s little boy, Thunder, all the time. I know he hears me because I get little signs, all the time. I told him to go find Ro and meet him because he’s my other little hero. I’m sure he will. Sending love. Always believing…
    Alyssa Crews
    COLE Prayer Team – http://www.colesfoundation.org

  44. Wendy Rabe

    Thank you – tears fill my eyes everytime I read your letters to Ronan. I have 3 boys of my own and I can’t even imagine what you are going through.

    Hugs from a stranger that enjoys your word,

    Wendy

  45. Wendy Rabe

    Maya,

    I wrote to you earlier after I read this letter and the other one also and didn’t even realize you were from Kelso. I am from Longview. I saw the first letter you worte on someones facebook and have read every word since. I even feel closer to your story knowing the places you go to (the ball park etc) are the same places I have taken my 3 boys to. Bless you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sincerely,
    Wendy (McCoy) Rabe

  46. Laura

    I hope that someday you publish this blog. Everyone that reads it is touched by your powerful writing, and by Ronan. I hope that it brings so much attention to Neuroblastoma and is the spark that forges the fire to light the way to finding the CURE!! Ronan was too high a price to pay. Every child is way too high a price to pay. Your words, your raw honesty, and your deep love for Ronan, touch us all so deeply. every mom is angry FOR you, sad with you, in love with him, and hungry to bring this diseases days to an end!! You have made this real to us. For that progress will be made. It has to be.

  47. insertwittytitleheremomstired

    Always thinking of you and your brave little Ronan. We’re here for you no matter what. Your family is lucky to have such an amazing mom/wife/friend.

  48. amy

    Speechless once again. You amaze me with your strength each and every day. We will never stop believing in Ronan – he is a constant in our lives. Love you to you, Woody and the twins…thanks for sharing with such honest emotion. xoxoxoxo

  49. Tabitha

    I wrote this poem for Baby Ro…

    A love lost
    A love never forgotten
    To the moon & back baby
    Your strength, unbelievable
    Your body, attacked
    To the moon & back baby
    You are an inspiration
    You are a little peace of heaven
    To the moon & back baby
    Pretty eyes
    Giant heart
    To the moon & back baby
    A love lost
    A love never forgotten

    I hope you like it Maya, I got hooked on your site, Alicia introduced me to your family via this site. I started reading & never stopped & will not stop. You are an incredible writer & so emotional in your words – love & sympathy to your whole family & all of Ronan’s friends.

  50. Amber

    Maya,
    You are amazing. You are an inspiration. You are the best momma. Ro baby would be very proud of you and will continue to be proud of you. He will be with you no matter where you go, always watching and protecting his family.
    Loves. xoxox.

  51. July Hogue

    “The best & most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
    They must be felt with the heart.”

    Prayers to you and your family.
    And please know that just because I wouldn’t be able to pick you out of a crowd, I would love nothing more than to give you a hug and apologize for shedding a tear on your shoulder.
    Rock on Ronan….

  52. Sara

    Maya, I’m so heartbroken for you. My husband and I sat together and read your entry about the day Ronan broke free of that nasty cancer. We cried and cried together. This morning, we were kinder and gentler and more appreciative of our children. Ronan’s spirit will live on through so many people like us who he’s inspired. It’s small consolation, but at the same time it’s an amazing accomplishment for a little boy. Thank you for sharing your Ronan with us. Our lives are forever altered by his story.

  53. Jaime Harris

    i’m so sorry maya, again, my heart breaks for you and woody, praying so hard for you guys! haven’t been able to stop crying for over a week for you all. hang in there! prayers and love to you guys!!!!

  54. Cheryl

    So glad to hear from you, as I have been thinking about you. I hope you find the peace to make it through the week. I know you will struggle, but hold tight to all your good memories of Ro. Hope to see you at Ro’s birthday party! Xoxo Cheryl

  55. Craig Timmons

    I am a pediatric hospice chaplain in Eastern Washington and came across your blog through a friend of mine. I so appreciate your willingness to share your story – all of it – we all need to hear it. We don’t quite know how to come alongside others when pain goes beyond words yet you have bared your soul to us and for that I am deeply thankful. Keep writing and sharing yourself – your little one is changing hearts – mine being one of them.

  56. Sarah

    I couldn’t stop crying or thinking about you ever since I read last nights post, you are such a strong courages beautiful person. You inspire me to become a better person. Be sure that Ronan did not pass, he has inspired and touched so many by his strength and the courages fight he put up. He will forever be remembered. And his memory will live on and his story will be told. Cancer did not beat Ronan, he beat cancer because with his fight we will fight cancer and with ronan we will find a cure. No child has to ever go thru this nasty battle especially not ro, no child or parent should ever suffer like this,especially not you ronan and woody. You guys are the perfect family, and the love and respect you have for eachother is phonimenal. Stay strong, as you are loved by many. I will always love you Ronan.

  57. Melissa

    Maya,
    You and your family have inspired me. I love all of your blogs. I am so sorry for everything that your family has been through. I feel that I have really lost out on not knowing Ronan. He was an amazing little boy. You are so strong and wish that I could do more.
    XOXO
    Melissa

  58. MaryGrace Casey

    Dear Maya, Woody, Quinn, and Liam,

    I am forever grateful to you for giving me the privilege of knowing your Ronan. I have introduced you guys via the net to my sons, Noah and Gabriel. I want them to know that courage comes from boys their age and a prime example is your family and your Rockstar. My prayers are with your family and know that Rockstar Ronan lives in the hearts he has touched. Once again, thank you forever.

    The Casey Family………..

  59. Heather

    lastnight, my daughter had a softball game, her team struggles but they do alright. the sun was bright and sami was up to bat. she called a time out it supprised me and her coach. she ran to me and asked “momma is it ok if i hit this one for Ronan? I know he would like it” I said of course and started to tear up. Then it happend. My daughter hit her first homerun ever!!! I cried happy for her knowing full well Ro made that one happen. Thank you Maya for sharing this speacial boy with all of us. You have made me so aware of how i handle things in my life. I strive to be as strong and gracefull as you are. Godbless!

  60. Marquita Ward

    Maya, I am sharing some of the emotions you speak of, or lack thereof. We had a recent death in our family of someone close to me. We never saw it coming..probably starting a group on Friday, with my daughter..she says it helps her. I receive tons of help from the Lord but am curious so perhaps I was meant to go.
    Just in mentioning that, know that others are sharing what you are going through and relate, but we aren’t you, because the Lord made you unique..because He loves you and will help you get through this…but like you are always protraying…you are making your own path..a Maya path…and the Lord is good to let you..because He love you so much and knows how you feel more than anyone.
    I pray your days are full of wonderful memories of Ro and even the sad ones, we truly need, for some strange reason we don’t want to forget those..perhaps they are necessary.
    Thank you Maya for your words..they help me too.

  61. Jenn Davenport

    Ronan-Thank you for helping me remember every day to love on my children. I don’t know that anyone other then you could have taught me this powerful lesson. Thank you sweet boy.

  62. Heidi Williams

    I hope you don’t mind I created a event on facebook called Donate to honor Ronan Thompson birthday. I listed the foundation website and asked everyone to donate to find a cure! Thank you for sharing your life and inspiring so many!

  63. susan

    Although I have never met your family and probably never will, you have made a huge impact on me with your words. I have shared Ronan’s story/journey with my friends as well. Ronan has touched the lives of friends, family and total strangers. I am deeply saddened by the loss you have suffered. Please know that you, your, husband, your twins and little Ronan will hold a special place in the heart of us all. ❤

  64. Kendra Thompson

    Maya, I have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I live in Longview and have heard about Rockstar Ronan from my coworkers for months now. For awhile I couldn’t bring myself to read your blog because as a mother I didn’t want to even imagine what you have been going through. Yesterday I read the whole thing, start to finish, and I think you are amazing. Ronan’s story will make so many of us better people and better parents and reminds us all to slow down and not take a single second for granted. You said early on that your husband didn’t understand your need to share something so private, and that he didn’t have a wife anymore, he had a blogger. When you read your blogs in one sitting like I did, it’s a beautiful memoir and a tribute to Ronan that you will have forever, and even with all the sadness in them there are so many happy times. You seem like such a strong person and an amazing mother, and your boys are very blessed to have you. You and your family are in my thoughts always.

  65. Lauren

    Ronan was so lucky to have such an incredible family. You can feel your love and passion in every word that you write. As a mother, I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I coomend your words of truth , they are so raw and so real, so incredible.
    My brother was murdered when I was 13, I told G-d to go fuck himself too. Still do because bad things happen to incredible people. Feel what you need to feel and hold on to every memory that you can.
    Your son will never be forgotten.

  66. Debra

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your words touched me deeply as my daughter also had cancer. She is currently in remission but has a lot of late effects that we are dealing with. Your letter is so beautiful and expresses your love and dedication to him so perfectly. Ronan was a very special boy and very lucky to have a wonderful mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family always.

  67. Shlomit Robbins Gruber

    Maya,
    I heard the song “Don’t Stop Believin'” in my head yesterday, out of the blue, while walking in a parking lot…and thought of Ronan. Didn’t know why that song came into my head since I hadn’t heard it earlier (I don’t think) and haven’t heard it in awhile (this was before your blog post last night). It just seemed like I was thinking about Ronan and that was the theme and those were the words that came to mind — the chorus of that song. I realized this after reading through your blog and reflecting back on my earlier “parking lot moment.”
    These are the moments that make me believe. Ronan is shining through in so many ways, touching so many people.
    Amazing.

    xoxo

    Shlomit

  68. Julia Zastrow

    Maya –
    Although I have never had the honor of meeting you, but I do know Woody through work and mutual friends. I am so saddened to hear about Ronan’s passing and am incredibly touched by you and your words. You are an amazing family and married to an amazing man, who somehow was able to always manage a warm greeting and smile on his face, even while going through the unthinkable. God bless you and your family and may you take some comfort in how many lives Ronan has touched with your beautiful and inspiring words.

  69. Dani Kalafat

    Maya – I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I wish I could do or say something, anything to help. I will think of Ronan often – especially when I am afraid of something and need to channel his strength. And, as so many people have said, your words have touched me so deeply and changed my life forever. I hope you continue to write and inspire people all over the world. Love, Dani

  70. Aly Kingsley

    Maya and family,

    I only heard about you and your amazing family a couple weeks ago when Radio personality, Johnjay Van Es, tweeted about your family and asked us to pray for little Ro. As soon as I went to your blog and saw Ronan’s picture, I fell in love with him and all of you.
    Maya, you have a way of writing that really moves and touches the reader. You speak from your heart and while your blogging/writing has been your outlet to express all the feelings of pain and sorrow and grief, along with those good days when you were filled with with laughter and unconditional love for you family, you have also touched thousands of people’s lives with your story. You are a remarkable woman, and you have more strength than I think even you realize. Your family will forever be in my thoughts and prayers. Your story has touched me in a way I never thought I would be touched. You have definitely helped me remember that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I was very angry the other day when my brand new dryer broke. I let it get to me and I was so angry that we had to take wet clothes up the hill to the laundry mat to get them dry. And then I thought about you and Ro and the rest of your family and broke down and cried and felt so selfish. My “problems” are not problems. They are small bumps in the road. I have my health, my kids are healthy. I will not let myself be that person who complains about the minutiae stuff anymore!! As a mother, I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I can’t imagine being in your shoes. There is nothing stronger than a mother’s bond with her child. Your bond with Ronan will never break. Please continue to write to us. We want to stay connected to you and your family now more than ever. We feel like you are our family now and we need to know how you are doing and we need to know when you are having a bad day so we can keep you on our minds and in our prayers.
    Thank you for sharing your story with the me and the rest of the world. You are one in a million! And because you have opened up and let us in, we will be there for you. Keep blogging and updating us on you and your family. Keep blogging about your work towards helping find a cure for neuroblastoma. We will support you and we will help too.
    I’m so saddened that Ronan’s fight with that fucking cancer had to end and that he had to be taken from us at such an early age. But I know that he will NEVER, EVER be forgotten. Something good has already come out of this Maya and a ton more good is going to come out of it.
    My thoughts are prayers are with the entire Thompson family every day.

    -Aly

  71. Tricia Williams

    Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn –
    My heart aches for you all. As a mother, a sister, and as a person I cannot imagine your pain. Thank you so much for sharing Ronan’s story. You are so very right just because he is gone doesn’t mean his story ends. It is just the beginning of a new stage in his amazing journey and yours! You have a gift, a gift with word that help to inspire people all over. Your inner strength and perseverance will keep Ronan’s spirit alive and help other family’s who are so tragically diagnosed with this same awful disease.

    All my love,
    Tricia

  72. Laura

    I am so very proud of that you are going a enjoying those beautiful precious twins and the baseball and other simple things in life. I am glad that you are finding signs that Ronan is very present and all around, he wants to know that you all are doing well. I take comfort in getting signs from my son who passed thirteen and a half years ago. I am also thankful that your family is surrounded by so much love. Embrass the love and care it will help you heal bit by bit. I am also thankful that you are blogging I think it so helps to let you feelings out and not bottle them inside. Think of the face and awareness you have brought to childhood cancer. Thank you so much for putting your blog out there for others.
    The group Journey was just in town about a month ago and performed that very song with a group of local children from Desert Stages Theatre. All our love to your entire beautiful and precious family.

  73. Jennifer Ann

    I dont know you but you have truly touched my heart in many ways, just like Ronan has. I can see from your blog that he got his incredible strength from his mama, and Im sure he is beyond proud of you. I dont have the right words to say because they simply dont exsist but Im so very sorry and I will keep your family in my prayers.

  74. Annie Carmen

    I think it’s wonderful that you continue to share your thoughts with all of us. I will read your blogs as long as you keep posting them. I love you all and pray for you every day. xoxo ~Annie

  75. Berry

    I was with my family today at a water park. I heard the song don’t stop believing and saw a little boy with paul frank swim trunks and thought of Ronan. I think I will always think of this beautiful little boy who I never met, but touched my heart in so many ways.

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  77. Annie

    Maya,

    Please continue to write. Please. Your words are so heartfelt and beautifully written. I have no doubt that you are going to do great things in the fight against childhood cancer. And your baby Ro will be there every step of the way cheering you on with his lightsaber.. I can’t imagine what you and your family are going through, but I know you are so incredibly strong. Reading 9 months of blogs have made that very clear. My heart hurts… Thinking of you all and sending prayers.

  78. Patty Colson

    Dear Maya,
    We do not know one another at all but I am SO very proud of you. I know firsthand how scary and unsettling saying goodbye is when you love someone with all your heart. How much we ache to grab on tighter when we need to gently and lovingly let go. How hard it is to even find the words, let alone the strength to utter them…It is a big abyss to hurdle and you not only found that strength but said EXACTLY what your baby needed. His hero then once again! Brilliant to tell him to go ‘with you.’ For he trusts in you most of all. And honest. For your heart certainly accompanied his each step of the way. I knew your mother’s loving heart would know exactly how and when to speak those words of loving release. An act of motherly love for all eternity….
    prayers with you all still…
    Patty

  79. J

    I heard that song as well; “Don’t Stop Believing” Journey did great music.
    Life is a JOURNEY….AND “DON’T STOP BELIEVING”
    I will always believe in you
    believe that you will find an amazing way to honor little Ro
    believe that Families can be together Forever
    believe that you will see Ro again
    believe that you will succeed with the next chapter in your life
    believe that you will make Ronan’s life a legacy for all
    believe that your family and Ronan will change NB
    Believe in YOU
    hugs and love your family in these tender times of sorrow and grief.
    “Wish Upon A Star”

  80. Mary

    Maya – what an amazingly poignant post! I felt like I was right there with you and all I want to do is fix the hole in your heart. Please keep writing to us – As someone said earlier, I also could not bear to lose you too. We’ve all fallen in love with Ronan AND you.

    Praying and sending love to you and your beautiful family.

  81. Heather

    Your strength amazes me, as I’m sure it does many others! I just wanted you to know that I read this post and then not 30 mins later I turned TV on and American Idol was on, they sang your song…the very first performance….Ro is sending you signs through everything 🙂 God Bless your family!

    1. Liz

      Yes, I agree this was quite a moment, and even now, just writing about it, there are tears in my eyes and pain in my heart!

  82. Saidi

    Maya,

    Thank you so much for letting us all be apart of this. Thank you for so bravely sharing. Thank you for being an inspiration to all of us! And thank you for allowing us all to fall in love with your Ro!! Thank you!

    Saidi

  83. Andrew

    I learned about Ronan from Ed and Dianne Lynch. I was literally sitting in the hospital w/ my uncle and just started crying for you. I cannot imagine your pain, your anger, and your loss. My heart just breaks for you all.

  84. Molly

    Maya, I am so sorry. I don’t know you but I think about you and your family every day. Just from reading your blog it sounds like you gave Ronan the best life he could ever have. I am so glad Liam and Quinn have each other. I know you don’t want to hear stuff like everything happens for a reason, but I can’t help but think maybe there’s a reason you had twins. I’m so glad you decided to keep writing to us. I will read it every day. You have no idea how much Ronan helps me. Whenever I’m about to lose it with my 2 1/2 year old, he gives me patience. When I don’t want to play with my 6 year old, I think about him and I know I need to spend every moment I can with him because you never know what’s going to happen. Thank you

  85. Monica

    Maya – while watching American idol tonight, one of the contestants sang “don’t stop believing.” I started bawling on my couch, with my husband looking at me like I was crazy. I have no doubt your little man is up there, trying to show you that while he misses you so much, he is ok. Don’t ever stop believing in something, whatever that may be. Thinking of you guys, all the time. Xoxo

  86. Tamara

    You are truely and extraordinary person. No wonder your son was so amazing and brave. What a beautiful young soul! You have touched many lives. My thoughts and prayers are w/ you.

  87. Tiffani Alexander

    Maya,
    In honor of Ronan and to spread awareness, you should write a book. Your posts really touch the heart and are so real!

    Lots of love and prayers,
    Tiffani Alexander

    I SAW THIS AND THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT……

    I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.. I will forever walk in the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.

  88. Leigh Donahue

    Maya,
    First song on American Idol was Don’t Stop Believing. I couldn’t believe it and I definitely feel like Ronan is sending messages. I smiled and thanked Ronan! I am sure he knew we all would send his mom a message in hopes of putting a smile on her sweet face.

    Leigh

  89. Alana Odem

    I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you all day Maya. I read your latest blog this afternoon and then like Heather who commented just before me, I turned on American Idol and there was James Durbin singing “Don’t Stop Believin”. I think your little Ronan is speaking out to all of us! I am sure he knows how many hearts he touched in his few short years. We all fell in love with that beautiful blue eyed boy! And many tears are being shed by people who never even met him except through pictures and through your writings. Thank you for sharing with us.

  90. Dawn

    OMG…the tears are rolling down my face. I too put on American Idol and was amazed that your song was there:) Your sweet little boy has touched so many lives and this song will forever be a way he tells us all that he is with you!!!!
    xoxo

  91. Kim

    I lost my son on February 25,2010. I am sorry for your unbelievable heartache and for the hole that is ever present. It is ok you are not crying. That is your beautiful spirit getting you through a time you simply couldn’t get through if the depth of your reality was truly felt. I miss my son everyday. My kids miss their brother. Believe in the messages, like your song. Mine sends us ladybugs 🙂 Believe that you will know joy- many little moments you may have otherwise let pass unnoticed, as now you will be ever grateful as they come. Believe that being your son’s mother will always be your gift. Believe that he is with you and his brothers. Love is forever. God bless you and your family.

  92. Ellie Culver

    Oooooh and tonight May 11, 2011 for American Idol….James sang “don’t stop believing” He’s there! It’s your boy! loves!

  93. Nicole

    Maya,
    I don’t ever watch American Idol, but I hear it right now. One of the guys is singing, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. All I can think about is you and Ronan and his signs. Sending you so much love and more prayers than I’ve ever said before in my life.

  94. Susan D.

    Maya – I miss Ronan so much and I didn’t even know him – but you helped us get to know him by writing so beautifully about him, your relationship with him, and your amazing family. As many others have said – my whole life has changed because of you and Ronan. You will never know just how many lives you all have touched – and how many people have fallen completely in love with all of you. Many times i felt as though i was actually experiencing exactly what you were experiencing b/c your writing had me go to so many different places – places, like you, that i never thought i would be. I think of you all so many times during the day – it shocks me still that i don’t know you personally.

    I had to write tonight b/c for the first time in YEARS – i heard Don’t Stop Believin’ tonight. I couldn’t believe my ears – my daughter was dancing in the family room and she was blaring this song – i took that moment and paused…and thought what a sign that was from Ronan to truly never stop believing…just like his incredible momma always said. He is always with you and wants to make sure you know this. You are the most amazing person i know. xo

  95. kim van alen

    Omg! I had chills and thought of Ronan and Maya and the entire Thompson family the entire time James was singing!

  96. debi9kids

    While I only just learned of your son and your loss, I wanted to just say how sorry I am for your loss and tell you I will be praying for your family and praying your sweet son continues to give you signs…

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6)

  97. Pamela

    Maya, I am another unknown person to you but I have been following your blog and I am so sad and heartbroken for you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain you are all experiencing and I would wish it to be different with all my heart and soul. I would like to thank you for your gift in sharing the past nine months with us, don’t stop fighting and don’t stop believing, you and your little Ro have touched my heart.

  98. Ronda Butterfield

    Maya,
    I do not know you, but your blog was posted on my wall. It is not only okay, but pretty normal to be strong right now. God will know when you are ready to handle the pain. I have been walking a similar path. I lost my husband just under two months ago. It was a tragic and unexpected passing. I know of the big hole in your life, of which you speak. I know that the hole that Matt left, will never be filled. I also know about looking for him everywhere, expecting him to be sitting in his chair, and welcome me when I come home from work. I too, felt that I was just walking around in a really long nightmare. Some days, it still seems that way. But I also know that God will not give us anything we cannot handle, if we just have faith in his capacity to see us through and walk beside us. Hang in there, my prayers will be with you and your family.

  99. Jeni

    Hi Maya….

    I really hope you keep writing … I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an angel. You are such an amazing Mother Maya. The way you open up and share your life with all of us is so incredible. I have never met you or your family and I feel like I know you so well. I feel honored to know what little I know about your little Ro man. Like others above have mentioned….. I could NOT believe the first song on American Idol tonight. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry you have had to go through this as no one should ever have to suffer the way Ronan or your family has had to. Thank you for sharing your journey with us Maya and as you have said, Ronan’s journey is far from over. Angels on your pillow tonight sweetie…

  100. Sheryl Mobley

    I wish I could say something to take away all your pain. My tears keep falling. My heart breaks every time I read your posts. It sucks that life just continues going on. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Hang in there.

  101. Dana Johnson

    Watching American Idol… their opening song they performed (on wed the 11th) was Don’t Stop Believing. I couldn’t help but smile and think of you and Ronan. xoxo

  102. Jim Davey

    I want to simply tell you thanks for sharing your heart on these pages through this journey with your son! Over the course of these few months you have been so honest and vulnerable. I have been one of the many persons you don’t know who have benefited from your sharing. Through your pages I feel I have come to know Ronan. He is a special boy!

    Thanks for being so real! My thoughts are with you and your family!

    Jim

  103. Nicole E

    Maya,

    You have so many comments, not sure if you will even see this, but ever since I read your post about the song, I have been wanting to share a story with you…..
    My dear friend lost her uncle to brain cancer a few months before her wedding and was heartbroken, as he was to walk her down the aisle due to her father being absent in her life.
    I was a bridesmaid in her wedding which was coincidentally on Orcas Island in the San Juans. We did not have a CD player or anything and were only able to pick up a Canadian radio station on the hotel alarm clock. The music they played was odd and quite random. Just as we were slipping her wedding gown on her, “Let it Be”, by the Beatles played. This was the song played at her uncle’s funeral. We knew it was his way of saying he was there….so I believe. Ronan is playing that song for you!!!!

  104. Ingrid

    Woody and Maya, I am so sad for you and the loss of your beautiful Ronan. I saw this poem and wanted to share it:

    As you danced in the light with joy,
    love lifted you. As you brushed against
    this world so gently, you lifted us.

  105. Val

    Maya, Whether you know it or not you are so strong! You are so good @ keeping up w/ the boys and Woody I am amazed. On the other had I have no idea how it feels to lose your child……and am glad you have so many people close to you.
    Finally, I am happy you left Ronan’s cards @ Starbucks, not in a mean way, but folks need to learn early on that they have NO IDEA what is going on in a stranger’s life, should not complain, and treat everyone well. Hugs, kiddo and good luck Sunday.

  106. Jessica Catlin

    Catching up on my TV and just saw this from last night’s American Idol – it gave me chills. Your little man is definitely saying hello!

  107. anna

    I have been following your blog for awhile now and my heart goes out to you and your family, I just read this blog today and I just started to cry and cry, anyway I decided to go to the video store and as I was getting ready to check out don’t stop believing came on, I couldn’t belive my ears, so I started crying again but they were happy tears because I knew that everything was gonna be ok, thank you so much for sharing your story.

  108. Samantha

    Maya,
    I have just recently heard of your story and am just so overwhelmed by the emotions I feel despite the fact I don’t know you. You and Ronan have changed my entire outlook on life and I thank you! Your family is in my prayers. My son is Ronan’s age and every night I hug a little tighter and make each moment count! Thank you for that as well! Your journey and story is inspiring and one I will pass on to everyone I know!!

  109. Stacey

    Maya,
    I’ve been reading all day, and I just feel so connected to your family and your story and Ronan. What an inspiration you and your family and your amazing friends are to other moms who have had to or will have to go through this heartbreaking tragedy. Your strength is inspiring and your passion is beyond relateable. I saw Stand Up 2 Cancer last Friday evening, and I started searching for the background story of Taylor Swift’s song. I never thought your blog is what I would come across, but I am glad I did. I am so blown away by your ability to share something so intimate and private in such a simple way that we all feel like we’ve gone through a little of it with you. I will continue checking in with you and your family, but more than that, I’ll remember to make each day count. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

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