Every teardrop is a waterfall


Ronan. Ouch. As I sit here and write, my fingers are aching with pain. The kind of pain that shoots all the way down to the tips of my fingers. This only happens to me when I am crying really hard. Like I’ve been doing all day long. I cannot stop. Guess what else I did? I got on a plane to fly back to Phoenix. Alone. As I was walking through the San Diego airport, it hit me that this is my first flight without you since you were diagnosed. We flew everywhere with you to try to get you better. Today, I stepped on that plane all alone without you to take care of anymore. There were no looks of pity from the other passengers because of your little bald head. If anything, people were full of smiles, someone complemented my tan, someone else told me I had pretty eyes and they liked my shoes. All the while in my head I was thinking, “What the fuck is going on?? Don’t you people know my son just died?” I sat on the airplane in the aisle with nobody beside me. Across from me sat a boy. A very cute boy who reminded me so much of you. He had tan skin, light eyes, and gorgeous hair. I thought to myself, I’ll bet Ronan would look similar to this boy if he would have grown up to be his age. The boy was holding a book about running. He also had some rubber bracelets on his wrist that he was wearing. I was content just to sit by myself with my thoughts of you, but then I noticed this boy kept looking down at my foot. He looked over at me and asked what my tattoo said. I smiled and told him that it said “this too shall pass.” He asked what it was for. I smiled again and told him that I had gotten it for my almost 4-year-old son, while he was sick with cancer. The boy didn’t know what to say after that except that he was sorry. I told him it was o.k. I took off my F U Cancer bracelet and gave it to him. He read it and smiled and put it on. I asked him about his running book. He then asked if I wanted to come over and sit with him. I said sure, why not. I sat with this boy and we talked about his running for a bit, but he really wanted to know all about you. For all the crying I did today, I sat with this boy, whose name is Bryson, and we talked about you for the entire flight. I told him about this blog that I write for you and how I had over a million hits on it. He was shocked to say the least and seemed confused as to how many people could know about you and your story. I told him it was because you are such an amazing soul and have so many things to teach to people in life. Turns out, Bryson is 17 and lives in Utah where he is the oldest of 6 kids. He has a little brother who is 4. Bless his mama.

As we were landing, Bryson told me that he wished that I were flying to Utah with him because he loved talking to me. I told him he was sweet and handed him a card with your blog info on it and told him to keep up his running. Shortly after that , I got a message from Bryson saying he looked up your blog and told me how touched he was by our love. He told me that even though he is only 17, he knows I’ll see you again and he could really feel our love and your spirit today. He thanked me for telling him about you and said I have changed his life and have inspired him. I sent him a message back and told him to think of you every time he runs and that you will push him to do great things in his life. I’m not sure why I met this Bryson boy today, but I feel like there was a reason. I feel like you were behind this. It was too random of an instant connection for there not to be a reason. Even if that reason for meeting him was only because of the few minutes I sat and looked at Bryson, before I knew anything about him, and I smiled to myself and felt happy because he reminded me of you in the way he looked. If this is the only reason, it is a good enough reason for me because for those few minutes, I felt like I was staring at an older version of you. So, to you my Bryson friend…. thank you for being such a sweet soul. I told you I felt like you are an old soul and I know you will do great things with your life because of my Ronan baby. He will watch over you:) And keep up your running and your mama too. I love that she is a runner as well.

After I landed, I grabbed a Taxi at the airport and headed to our house. I know I could have had a hundred different people pick me up, but I didn’t want the hovering. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to walk into our house, alone; and do whatever I needed to do. I needed to come home and do this by myself. You’ve been pulling me there for a couple of weeks now. I walked in, threw down my stuff and started screaming for you. I called out your name 20 times and then I ran into my bedroom and there you sat, on our dresser, in your urn. I grabbed you, kissed you, picked you up and held you. I took you into your room and sat in there with you for a long time and screamed for you, talked to you, and cried for you to come back. I opened up your urn, which I have been so afraid to do. I was so scared to see you in there. I took the cotton out and peeked inside to find all of your ashes in a clear bag. I took out the bag and held you and stared at you. Your ashes look like sand. I stayed with you in your room for a long time and wept. I read the sticker on the bag that said that these were the remains of Ronan Sean Thompson. Cremated on May 12, 2011. I almost passed out. You were born on May 12, 2007. I don’t even know what to think about this except it makes me physically ill. And it is insanely cruel, sick, and twisted.

I didn’t really tell anyone I was coming home, but Stacy knew. She showed up at our house and found me in your room, holding you, sitting on the floor crying. She sat and hugged me and rubbed my back. She picked up the phone to talk to your Daddy because I couldn’t answer it. I felt o.k. with her being there. It’s hard for me to break down in front of people and to not push them away. I’m not scared to do this in front of Stacy. I know this is not only because she is an amazing friend, but it has to do with the fact that she lost her sister and she can unfortunately, relate to my pain. This makes it easier for me to let her help me and as much as I try to fight her on it, I usually give in. I gave in tonight and let her stay with me and drive me to where I am staying as I cannot face being at our house right now. She insisted on staying the night, but I pulled a total Ronan move and kicked her out of my hotel room. She didn’t want to leave, but respected that I needed her to. I came home for a couple of reasons and one of them being that I need to grieve about you as I have not had a chance to breakdown fully yet. I cannot do this in front of your brothers and I have been holding this in since you died. I have to let go of these tears that I need to flow for hours upon hours. I’ve cried about you here and there, but not really crying as I have such a responsiblity to Liam and Quinn. I cannot let them see me this way. This is my time that I need with you. Just you and me, Ro.

I’m not here long and I will return back to San Diego on Thursday. I needed to see you. I need to see my therapist. I need to take care of some silly things too. I mostly just need to be, to scream, to cry, to throw things, to talk to you, to yell out loud to you that I need you and can’t live without you. I need to sit in your room like I did tonight and talk to you. I need to do this all alone because I am your mom and you are my son. And there are things I need to tell you that nobody else needs to hear. I need to feel you, to try to sleep without my medication so I can actually remember the things I dream. I need to see you, Ro. I cannot take not seeing you in my day-to-day life anymore, but to not remember dreaming about you is killing me. I need some alone time too. Some quiet to be able to sit and think about you, your life, my life and what the fuck I’m going to do now. How the fuck I’m going to go on because as my dear friend, Charisma, said today, I do not have a choice. She chewed my ass and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I needed to hear the things she said today, as hard as they were to hear because all I felt like screaming back to her was that none of what she was saying, mattered; because you are gone. She is the rational one though; I am not. I know she is right. But now, I need this time with you so I am going to let you guide me little one. I need a day to just cry about you for as long as I need to without having to worry about your brothers seeing me this way. If I don’t do this for you, for myself, I’m going to crack. Mental institution, here I come. I don’t want this to happen so here I sit, alone with my tears and with you. This is exactly what I need now and it is long overdue.

So, my sweet. It’s late, I’m tired without my Ambien so let’s give this organic sleep thing a try. I will wait for you in my dreams. I love you, Ro. To the moon and back forever. I hope you are safe and happy. I miss you so much.

xoxo

Advertisements

46 thoughts on “Every teardrop is a waterfall

  1. Jen

    I wish I could suck up your pain, just pull it from you, like a sponge. I’m so sorry, I can’t. I’m so so sorry Maya.

    I’m glad you met that boy today. What a great kid and I know Ronan made it happen. I’m glad you’re home for now. I hope it brings you some of the comfort you are desperately and franticly looking for and in need of.
    Praying for you, thinking of you, hoping for you, wishing for you.

  2. Sascha (the Netherlands)

    Dear Maya,
    Cry, scream, yell, kick… Do whatever you think you need to do. After that you can go back and be the amazing mom to your twins I’ve come to think you are! Just by reading your blog of course because we do not know each other. I hope you see Ronan in your dreams! Sweet dreams!
    xoxo

  3. Starlene DeBord

    Maya,

    I am so happy that you had this opportunity to be by yourself…to grieve..a little! I hate to say it but it’s not right(fair). But as you know life has to go on for you and your family and to make Ronan proud of all of you! I hope it made you feel a little better! That is sooo awesome that you met Bryson on your flight! I bet Ronan sent him to you! My heart is so heavy for you and your husband and boys! I wish there was something I could do to make all of the pain and sadness go away! The only thing I know I can do is to support your Blog and the pediatric cancer foundation! I live in Michigan and would really love to purchase some of those fu cancer bracelets! I would LOVE to get a bunch of them and take them to work with me! How do I purchase them? I hope you have a beautiful day and are able to release ALOT of your feelings today in the way you need to!

    Starlene DeBord
    sdebord9763@wowway.com

  4. Angela

    I am from Ontario Canada and on this dark dreary rainy Wwdnesday morning, I sit and read your blog from last night. I am bawling. My tears flow for you, someone I have never and will never meet, and the pain you share with the world. To read that sweet Ronan was cremated on his 4th birthday must have killed you inside. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re in but you are an amazingly strong woman, mother and wife. You motivate me daily to be a better mother and wife. No one knows why kids are taken away from us but there has to be a reason. And one day when you are reunited with your beautiful blue eyed boy you’ll know the reason.
    Fly high sweet Ronan.
    XO

  5. jessanne1980

    Maya,

    You are such a beautiful soul. I’m sure you are tan and that the shoes you were wearing are pretty…probably made you feel nice for a second, but like you said “don’t you people know?”. I admire you do much. Scream and cry!!! I can’t possibly imagine, but I will say, you are SO strong!!! It shows through your writing. I love this blog, even though it makes me cry. I hope one day you can feel comfortable being at home 😦 take care sweetie.

    Love from Longview,
    Jessica

  6. Jaime Harris

    I am so sorry Maya. Praying for you like crazy…Hope the time in Phx gives you just what you need it to!

  7. Laura

    All our love to you. You are far braver than I can imagine. I am thankful you got such a good positive sign with Bryson on the plane. You angel Ronan will always be with you, living in your heart, but also walking beside you and guiding you. I hope you find what you need in Phoenix. All our love, thoughts, and prayers are with you and your entire family.

  8. Christine G.

    Maya, I hope these next few days will be healing for you. I am wondering if you have thought of having a massage? As a therapist I have experienced some profound healing & emotional releases for clients during a treatment. I would highly encourage you to consider scheduling some time for yourself. So many emotions are locked in our bodies. If you have a trusted massage therapist I am sure they could help you release, relax, & restore yourself before you head back to your boys. I wish I could be the one to take care of you, but I could refer you to a qualified person in the PHX area. Surrounding you with love Mama!!!

  9. Lea

    Good girl. Let it allllll out. Scream, yell, break things, do what you need to do, have it out though, you’re well overdue. Take care, just be careful in the heat if you challenge Camelback Mountain, its officialy hot as hell there!

  10. Charlotte

    Good Morning!
    I’ve been reading your blog since the start of May (and actually have gone back to August to read Ronan’s story as it began). I’ve commented a few times before. It’s strange how just by reading someones thoughts you can feel as if you know them. Although I know that I really don’t know you, as so many others have said, I feel as though I’ve known you forever.
    This particular post really touched my heart. Just yesterday I was thinking of you all and wondering how it will be for you all to return home. I could not even imagine that pain. And to do it all by yourself. I totally get why you had to go alone. I just don’t think I’d have the strength to do it. Saying I’m sorry just means nothing, doesn’t it?? I can imagine that you wanted so badly to yell at those that were happy and smiling in that airplane…how dare they go on with their lives?? My family has gone thru some really hard times (although nothing such as losing a child) and although I would NEVER compare my struggles to yours…I can honestly remember MANY times looking at people in the stores, at the mall, at work thinking, “Do any of you care??? How can you just smile and be happy when my world was falling apartt!!?
    As I have said before, your strength amazes me!! I got chills reading about the boy on the plane. That is such a sign from your baby. One day you will read all this, maybe you and the twins will read it together, and you will truly realize how many lives you have touched and forever changed!! That boy’s life will forever be changed and he will tell others about Ronan!! How awesome is that??!!
    I have twin boys, also 7 and a 2 yr old little girl. The picture of them at the beach, holding hands walking towards the water makes me smile. I have taken one just like that since the boys could walk and now she is with them in the picture.
    Your little Ronan was meant to change lives. And he is. Through you and your words he is changing lives. So many times a day, when I want to scream because my little 2 yr old is throwing a fit, I stop and smile now more than scream! She is a handful….kinda like you describe Ronan. And funny…my twins are so laid back, rule followers, quiet and easy going. But not my Kayla! She tests me on every level!!
    But, now, I appreciate her strong will to do things JUST her way, her ability to get into the worst messes at the worst times, her screaming at the worst times and her breaking of every rule in the house…now I just laugh and say that’s just how she is and I’m ok with it.
    Thank you, Maya and thank you Ronan! CANCER SUCKS and I hate that it took you from your family and from this world! Please, both of you, keep up the fight!!! Whatever we can do to support you, let us know!

    Ronan, keep smiling down on your mom! She needs you today (and every day!). I don’t know her but I can tell she is such an awesome, cool, strong woman! Come see her in her dreams…hug her tight. Those things will keep her strong on days like today when she is hurting so much!

    Much love and support from Houston!!
    Charlotte

    1. Toni

      I want bracelets too!

      Thinking and praying for you and your family; hoping each day gets a bit easier for you all.

      Loving your family from Texas,
      Toni Collins

  11. Julie

    Maya, Im writing this on my phone so please excuse the typos
    but I just wanted to tell you of something that gave me great
    comfort, I work for chiropractors who are very holistic and they had me read deepak chopras book and the book is very complex and deep I cant even begin to explain it but in one part he explains that we are all bundles of energy and that it is impossible to destroy energy so no matter what when we pass we arnt completely gone or destroyed our energy is still on the earth and when you think about ronan or if anyone does that sends signels Into the world thats where your signs of ronan comes from hes constantly being talked about and thought of which is keeping him and his energy around you 24/7 it will never be destroyed I dont know if this helps at all but I hope it brings you the slightest ease of your pain and I would also love a rockstar ronan braclet when they come available

  12. Amanda K

    I hope you were able to rest lastnight and that Ronan ran & played in your dreams. Taking a time-out to take care of yourself is another way you are showing what an amazing mom you are.

    Prayers.

  13. Glenda

    Maya,

    I saw this quote and i thought of you:

    Courage doesn’t always roar.
    Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
    at the end of the day saying,
    “I will try again tomorrow.”
    -Mary Anne Radmacher-

    Baby steps mama bear!!! My heart aches for you! Sending you hugs… peace and strength!!!
    xo

    Thinking of Rockstar Ronan. I was in Target yesterday and saw the Paul Frank PJ’s and thought of Ro!
    Thanks for sharing Ronan will all of us! The most beautiful blue eyed shining star… Rockstar Ro!!! xo

  14. Daniella

    I am at a loss for words. Just trying to think of you and your family and send you lots of love. I hope you can see your sweet boy in your dreams.

  15. lori

    Sending you strength and love……I have such lumps in my throat…
    I just can’t even process the last year you have had. I’m so sorry for this nightmare.
    I’m sorry to all the mommies for this nightmare called cancer.
    CANCER SUCKS!

  16. Katie R

    Maya –
    I think your Ronan sent Bryson to you!! I also think it was good for you to share Ronan’s story. You and Ro have changed so many lives!! SO MANY LIVES!!!!!
    Keep letting out all the emotion….keep being fearless…..and keep posting!!
    Big hugs to you!!!

  17. kim

    i’m absolutely convinced that meeting bryson was ro’s doing! i think he knew that that first flight with out him was going to be hard for you and he knew that you would see the similarities in bryson and that seeing those would bring a smile to your heart. and how cool that he had a running book and you’re both are runners. and look how much of an impact you and ro had on him in just a short amount of time. so incredible! and definitely not a coincidence, that’s the work of an angel named ronan.
    i’m sure going back to your home was difficult but it sounds like its what you needed so i’m glad you were able to have that alone time to really grieve with out worrying about anyone else. i hope you saw ro in your dreams. if you didn’t i know it will happen soon. he’s just waiting for the perfect time to reunite with his mama/best friend. have a safe flight back to san diego. xoxo

    p.s. i would also like to know where to get the FU CANCER bracelets.

  18. Leona

    Hi Maya, I hope you were able to sleep last night….and I pray you remember Ronan visiting you in your dreams. I pray for this for you often.
    I, too, was so deeply touched by this post. I can not tell you how much you are changing the lives and the world for that matter, through your pain…..as horrible as that sounds, some good HAS to come from this tragedy.

    I hope you feel the love from us… the readers,the strangers…. who like many of us have said, will probably never get the chance to meet you, but feel so much for you and like we know you.
    You are loved. You are prayed for. YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERANCE.

    Ronan sent Bryson to you. That was a sign. A big sign, he is with you, watching over you and helping you change lives.

    Rock On Maya ❤

    Hugz~
    Leona
    xoxo

    PS
    I would love to know where to purchase the braceltes too (I am in BC, Canada)

  19. Dawn

    Maya……..you are surrounded by so much love and I hate that all that love cannot take your pain away!
    You are such an amazing person and I wish words could truly express how amazing you are. In everything you do you are taking care of yourself and that is wonderful. I am in awe at how healthy you are physically, mentally and spiritually. I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve as I know people tried to tell me when I was grieving…..but I swear you are doing everything right. In such a healthy manner to still take time that you need to grieve without anyone watching or worrying how it impacts Liam and Quinn.
    It is so healthy to be home by yourself right now and yell, scream, throw things, whatever you need to do so that it does not stay bottled up inside.
    I hope all the love out there for you and your family brings moments of peace amongst the pain you are in. I know I would take it away if I could and so would so many other people.
    HUGS!

  20. AL

    Maya… I just want to hug you.

    Ronan keep sending your mama signs, stay with her forever… she needs you now more than ever.

  21. Rachael

    Maya —

    Although I don’t have any children and therefore have never experienced loosing a child, I have had a similar experience with opening an urn and looking at cremated remains. My sister lost her husband in a car accident when they were 20 years old. I was 10. About 4 or 5 years later we were looking at pictures and watching old home videos laughing and crying our eyes out. We were remembering the great man and father he was and how we missed him. His urn was on the shelf next to all the photo albums we were going through and I remember asking my sister if we could look at them. I was nervous when we opened it and if we would see him in there and what it smelled like. Kinda like you were. I think it must be part of the grieving process. Maybe in some sick twisted way it helps those who are grieving the loss to accept it. I don’t know. I will never understand. But when I was reading your post about how you grabbed his urn and looked inside, it just broke my heart and brought back my memory of doing it myself. While our pain isn’t the same, I can empathize with you in that moment. I’m proud that you’ve taken this time to grieve alone and allow yourself to just fall apart so soon knowing it must be so hard. Everyone is different with how they deal with grief and there is no set path on how you will feel. It took 4-5 years before my sister ever talked to a therapist. So seeing that you’re now taking the next steps so soon is inspiring. My heart is so heavy for you and I wish just like everyone else around you I could just wash away your pain. It’s been 12 years since my brother-in-law passed away, and I can’t say that it’s easier now that so much time has passed. It’s just that you some how learn to make it through each day. I’m sure you’re probably tired of hearing that, so I’m sorry for saying it again. I pray that your heart heals and your pain subsides so that you can smile through your tears. So that your dreams are not nightmares of death, but of the good memories, full of life and happiness. Please keep writing and know that your beautiful son has touched millions of people. And through your words you will continue to spread his story and his love to everyone!!

    –Rachael

  22. anon

    There are no coincidences. I’m not sure but I think Bryson can help you find peace. Ask him where Ronan is and what he is doing. I think he knows, or knows someone who knows. Maybe it is his parents. I think he sat by you for a reason. Talk to him.

    1. unknown

      I cant help but feel the same way. I have been thinking about that a lot today. I truly believe that you were meant to meet him. I wonder about his religious beliefs and views on death and family are being that he is from Utah and comes from a large family. I know that sounds stereotypical but I think you should find out more. Maybe he has something to offer.

  23. Paula

    Maya,
    My heart breaks for you I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you and your family are going through.

    Your strength amazes me even if it’s for others your holding your own where others myself included would have fallen.

    Everyday I read your blog and everyday I am thankful. Before I found your blog I started my day as Mary poppins and ended it like cruella d ville, now I have patience, understanding and a Little thing called my house work and other people can wait.

    I have no words that will change your life, I just wanted you to know that you have lots of words that changed mine.

    Thank you
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  24. Sara

    Maya…my heart aches so incredibly bad for you today. I have thought about the day you’d go home….And when I read your post before work today….all I could do was cry for you.

    I love what Julie wrote…about the energy….and how Ronan is always around. I think that is so true…I know he’s with you…your little guardian angel.

    Let it all out…we all love you and are thinking of you and your family every day! I can’t wait to get a FU cancer bracelet and wear it so proudly! I want one so bad…and I’m in San Diego….I am not too far from you guys…but I also respect your privacy…so when they’re available let me know if possible. I want to be apart of this world changing event…and kick fucking cancers ass in a big way! No parent should have to deal with what you are, so let’s stop it NOW!

    Kick the shit out of your house Maya….

    Love you!
    Sara

  25. Melissa Pennock

    Hi this is Melissa, Bryson’s mom. He shared your blog with me and I appreciate the opportunity to read it! I am so sorry about the loss of your son! My heart aches for you as I have 6 children of my own and would be devastated at the loss of any. I wish you peace and comfort to your heart and I know that Ronan is in heaven with God. He is happy and safe and without sickness or pain. He will always be watching over you and will always be a part of you. I’m so glad you had a chance to meet Bryson. He is a great kid, with a good heart. He can be a pain sometimes 😉 but I’m sure he learned a lot from you and enjoyed hearing about your sweet little boy! Thanks for sharing with him and for letting him into your life for a moment. You are right. Everything happens for a reason … Even who you sit by on the airplane. It’s good when we can find that reason and learn from it. May the love of God be with you at this time.
    Sincerely, Melissa

    1. Melissa

      There’s a lot more to your experience with Bryson than a coincidence. Please contact Melissa or Bryson and talk to them about why you felt as though you met him for a reason. I promise you and wholeheartedly believe that you will be at peace when you hear what they have to say. Ronan is working miracles in your life, Maya. I wish you nothing but best for the rest of your life.
      -Melissa I.

  26. Maureen

    thinking of you always and praying for peace. i hope you can continue to let those closest to you in a little bit.

  27. KT

    Hi, couple of things….. I wanted to tell Melissa
    that the letter she wrote to Ronan was beautiful.

    Bryson, what a sweet soul you are. Thank you for watching
    over Maya. xo

    Maya, the new website is beautiful!!!! It brought
    tears to my eyes. It’s breathtaking!!!! Thinking of
    you…. xoxoxoxoxo

  28. julie glenn

    Maya…..I am on my way to San Diego tomorrow and I only wish I could see you somewhere on the beach or even on my flight so I could sit next to you and give you a huge HUG all the way to the beach . Bless your breaking heart…..you are doing the right thing by letting everything out, screaming, crying,………but I agree with one of your other blog followers……..your baby, Rockstar Ro set that nice young man next to you on your flight. Way to go Ro…..he’s watching over you, Maya and will forever. You are an incredible person and mother…….I hope to meet you some day and if I see you on the beach I will embrace you with the biggest hug I’ve got………. Lots of love and prayers to you beautiful lady, your cute boys and husband….Julie Glenn

  29. Kristen

    You are not alone in your tears. I sit here in Dripping Springs, Texas sobbing for your pain. Maya – you have changed my life in the sense that I can find glory in the temper tantrums and ruined iphones, and broken cereal bowls and every other experience I have every day as a stay at home mom.
    I pray for you!
    Kristen

  30. SD Lane

    Maya –

    My uncle was killed in the Towers on 911. For a very, very long time, my aunt could not sleep without taking pills because she would have horrific nightmares. But sometimes she was desperate to see him in her dreams, and she would try to sleep organically. So when I read this post of yours, I truly did understand how you felt, remembering the nights when my aunt wanted to be brave and try to sleep without her medication, to get to her love.

    I don’t know how I found your site, only that the first night I read every post you had written and sobbed so hard my chest hurt, for all of you. My husband had cancer, and was treated and cured at Sloan. He almost died a few times, but “almost” doesn’t count when you hold it against Ronan. But I remember, like it was yesterday, the first time I saw a little boy coming into the hospital as I was going out for some air, pulling his wheelie suitcase behind him, beautifully bald and frail, and it hit me that upstairs from my husband was an entire floor of children, suffering and recovering and dying, and it made me so nauseas I almost threw up on the fruit guy on the sidewalk.

    I have a daughter, just one (another FUCK YOU to cancer, for not letting us have more) and I need to tell you Maya, you crazy strong surviving mother tiger, that you’re making me a better mother. I’m not an eternally cheerful, happy mother. I’m so focused on raising my daughter with old-fashioned values that I was being more critical than loving, seeing her world through my eyes than seeing our world through her eyes. No more. Now I count the freckles slowly appearing on her beautifully pale cheeks. I run my fingers through her ever-thickening gorgeous hair. I give her two kisses before she walks out the door and two hugs when she gets back. I get in bed with her when she asks instead of saying, no, go to sleep. I have no reason not to. She’s the reason for everything. And I always knew it, I just didn’t know exactly how grateful I was supposed to be for it.

    And now I know. You, and Ro, and Liam and Quinn and Woody have taught me.

    I hope you’re dreaming of darling Ronan. I hope you’re dreaming that you’re holding him like you’ll never let him go.

  31. ROBIN

    Maya, hummingbirds wing circle in the pattern of infinity..never ending… Just like your infinite love for Ronan and his for you!!! You and Ro…always!!! Sending up prayers for you to sleep peaceful tonight and dream of your Rockstar! ((hugs))

  32. Melissa Vendt

    Maya-

    I learned about your precious and perfect Ronan from a high school friend (Andy Shapley) in May and have followed your blog since then. I have also read many old entries to learn more about your families amazing strength and courage…especially Ro’s as you all battled FIERCELY to stay together on EARTH. I am so so so sorry that he is phsyically gone from you. Hoping and praying he visits you in your dreams tonight…that these days at home on your own are exactly what you need on your grief journey and that you feel him close to you, holding you up as you MAKE it through this like the strong woman and mama you are.

    Much much love to you and your family, Maya.

  33. Angel

    Maya,
    I read other people’s comments on your blogs and I feel that they care so much for you and are honestly concerned and hate to know how much pain you are in. I just want to say that it fucking sucks your son died. It fucking sucks your heart died with him. It fucking sucks you feel so alone even though you are surrounded by people. It fucking sucks you have no answeres as to why your beautiful son suffered and was taken when he and your family didn’t deserve it. It fucking sucks that you have to somehow manage to live your life now without your Ro. I apologize for the terrible language, but it is so fucked up what you have been through. It’s a family especially a mothers worst nightmare you are living it and you cannot wake up. People are always trying to find insperational things to say, which is fantastic. Being positive is good. But it also helps to have someone tell you what you are feeling is real and ok and you are not crazy. I have been through terrible loss, not a child, but a sister who was my best friend. Life has never been the same and it’s been a struggle since the day she was gone. I live for signs and dreams and memories to get me through the times when I feel like my heart will not beat another beat. Some days I feel like I will actually die of a broken heart. I have two kids myself who I believe keep me alive. They are my saving grace. It took me a very long time to let my guard down around my kids. I wanted to shelter them from my pain. I thought it would make things better. The truth is, I have no idea what makes anything better. This world we live in is so confusing. You have suffered the worst possible loss anyone can endure. Now how do you get up everyday and take a breath and live without guilt and sadness and loneliness and anger and confusion? Death is such a horrible part of life and makes me feel full of questions. Where do we go? What is real as far as religon and what is made up? I wish so badly I had those answers. I wish you could pull back the veil and give Ro a hug and see him whenever you wanted. I am curious to get your take on what you believe as far as the afterlife?
    When my sister died my son who was 2 at the time said he would cut a hole in heaven and build stairs so we could go see her.
    I really care so much about you Maya. I think about you all the time being a fellow mother. I know you have more than enough friends to get you through this awful time, but I want to extend my friendship to you if you ever want to talk.
    I wish I could say something inspirational, and all I have is Cancer is so F’d up and especially a child. A child with an old soul and beautiful eyes and a family who adores him. He barely got started living. I just don’t understand. I can’t even imagine what you had to watch as your son suffered with this terrible disease. I can’t imagine having doctors tell you he would beat this and he would be ok, and then not have that be the case. For so long I couldn’t get out of my head how my sister died and what she went through. It was horrific. Terrible nightmares. Days I couldn’t get out of bed. Days I couldn’t eat at all. Days I felt like what is the point. And I was 31 weeks pregnant with my daughter.
    I hope my comments were not to harsh. I just know the pain is so bad I didnt think I could survive such a heart break. I didn’t know If I could piece my heart back together and if I did, it would be missing big pieces. My personality changed. My entire life changed. But, I came out the other side. I am not the same person I was, but I do laugh and am getting to the point where I can enjoy myself and not feel guilty.
    I am so glad Ronan sends you signs. I am glad he is staying with you. I am so glad you have Woody and the twins. You have a terrific family. I am here Maya. Anytime day or night. You really are an amazing person. Just writing to perfect strangers and sharing your personal loss is a brave thing to do. Thank you for doing this. It has already changed many many lives.
    Thank you.

  34. Lynn Evans

    Dear Maya, Reading your blog today after having taken a short break. I cry when you cry, I cry thinking of Ronan and wish I had met him. Even tho I wasn’t blessed with that meeting, I feel your pain. Do not forget that Woody and Liam and Quinn are grieving too. Maybe not in the same way but their pain is just as real and deep. Throw you strength and love for Ronan into rebuilding your family life. See Ronan’s spirit in his big brothers as he guides them as well as you. Hold on to each other as we know not what the next day holds. Celebrate the time you had with beautiful Ronan that he left his imprint on each of you. He changed all of your lives and will continue to do so. Remember…don’t be sad momma.

  35. J

    Yes, you met Bryson for a reason. I too believe that you will see Ronan again. This earth life is but a small moment in the eternities. There is a place after this life that we as families can be together again..God wants families to be together forever…FOREVER FOR ETERNITY.
    Bryson was your bright place for that flight amd moment in time.

  36. Jim...brysons uncle

    I was touched by your blog and your struggles. Thank you for allowing my cool nephew to touch your life for a moment. I had to bury my 2 year old Kylie in 94, yep it sucks. But I love the sweet memories and it sounds like you have great ones to hold onto for a lifetime. I so look forward to the day when I can hold my baby again. I am confident Ronan will bring smiles to you face ( yes between tears). Love the memories and live so you can see your sweet boy again.

  37. Peyton

    I heard Taylor Swifts song that was written about Ronan and I started bawling by the second time I heard it. I just wanted to say I am VERY sorry for your loss. You and your family and Ronan are in my prayers. No one should ever have to go through what you are going through now. Thank you though, for touching my heart and inspiring me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s