The next person that tells me Ronan wants to go home, to heaven, can piss off


Holy Fuck. How did I get here? I’m at The Ryan House; the most beautiful place we have been so far on this journey because my son is going to die? And everybody knows this except me? Am I in that movie, “The Truman Show,” where everything is just pretend and I’m some experiment being watched to see how I’ll react to everything? Please, please, please, somebody tell me that’s the case. I don’t think it’s even hit me what is going on, why we are here, and why everybody has been crying, until now. Until I stepped outside tonight to get Woody some things from his car and in the room across from us was a baby who was on the verge of her last breath and I stood and watched while it was happening. The door was open and I could not look away. The nurses were crying, parents, family, everyone was hovering over this baby. They were preparing for her to take her last breath. In that room, I saw myself, huddled over Ronan, begging him not to go. Is that my future? Does everybody know this except me? Is this the reason that The Ryan House was full of my friends and family today, and when they all came into Ronan’s room they could not hide their tears. Am I the only one who thinks this is not going to happen?? Even though I am hearing whispers of he has days left. Who are they talking about? Couldn’t possibly be Ronan. He gave me the biggest smile today and told me he loved me to the moon and back. So what if he cannot walk anymore because his legs hurt so badly. I can fix that with Radiation, right? Just like I fixed his arm. So what if he is not wanting to eat anymore, I can fix that too with his all his favorite things like Strawberries and Whipped Cream. I can get him to eat for me. I sent Woody and Fernanda a list of people, resources, other doctors to call today. Woody has been on the phone all day. I’m not accepting this until I hear there is nothing more to do from 100 different people. I’m not giving up. I am his mom, I can fix anything. That is my job and I refuse to fail.

I have not been outside in a couple of days I think. Tonight, I found myself on the patio, curled up on the phone, bawling to my Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I don’t think I screamed, but I remember sobbing and listening to him cry with me. I told him over and over that I cannot have Ro leave me, I cannot live without him, please make it go away. He told me I could yell at him, how sorry he was, and begged me to sleep as I cannot remember the last time I really have. It’s been a couple of days I think. I told him how could I sleep, how could I possibly close my eyes, what if I missed Ronan’s last breath?? I will never forgive myself. I’m not going to miss any time that I have left with him although I forced myself to come outside and write tonight while Woody sits with Ro. You see, if I didn’t, I was on the verge of packing up all of our stuff and getting Ronan out of here. Maybe if I take him away from The Ryan House, he won’t die. My thoughts are not rational, but they seem realistic to me and I could seriously see myself grabbing him and never looking back. I don’t want him to die here. Even though everyone is insisting this is where we should be. I want to be home with him, where he is safe and none of this is real. Being here, magnifies everything by a billion. I don’t like the look of all of the sweet nurses, doctors, and whomever else has been hovering about. They all have the same look of pity, sadness, and no hope. I get the feeling they don’t see miracles happen very often with children that come in here with cancer. Why can’t Ronan be that miracle? Why is that asking too much? We are nice people, we deserve a happy ending. There will be no happy ending of this story if my baby is ripped out of my arms. What will they do with him? Where will they take him? I’m not letting him go. They will have to pry my arms off of him with a fucking bulldozer. I’m not letting him go. Call the fucking psych ward because that’s where I am going to end up if this all goes down the way everyone thinks it is going to.

“Everything happens for a reason.” BULLSHIT. “You were given this because you were strong enough to handle this.” BULLSHIT. “God has a greater plan for Ronan.” Bullshit. “Ronan wants to go home, where he belongs, to Heaven.” MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT. Who the fuck came up with these sayings because the next person I hear say them to me is going to get punched in the face. They may be true if death is not outcome of this. But if it is, then I am going to write down those sayings on a piece of paper and burn them to the ground. Please think before you speak those words. They are the sickest things I have ever heard. Ronan Sean Thompson does not want to go home to heaven where he belongs. I can guarantee you with my life that he wants to stay at his home, in Phoenix, Arizona with the best mommy, daddy, and brothers alive.

I somehow stayed so strong today, even with people buzzing in and out, wiping the tears from their eyes. Stacy, Pam, Heidi, Tiffany, Jennifer, Sharon, Marcia, Auntie Karen, Sister Mary, Dr. Campbell, Katie, Macy, Sarah, Fernanda, Nana, Papa Jim, Aubrey….. they were all here. I think Niki, Heidi and Christy came by too, but I cannot remember seeing them. I smiled and remember saying to New York Miss Macy, “No tears, my dear.” She looked like she could have cried a pool of water right there in front of me. I’m so confused. I must be in shock still. I don’t remember much else about today except for sitting in bed, and taking care of Ronan. I remember a few people coming in and out. I remember eating my one thing that I have eaten in a week, my favorite things, chips and salsa and I remember throwing it up. I remember holding Quinn on my lap and watching him cry as I tried to explain to him as little as possible what was going on. He tried so hard to not cry, but I told him how crying was so good for us and how we cannot keep our feelings bottled up. And now I sit here. With Quinn and Woody inside, and Fernanda is here too with her overnight back so I can have a break and maybe sleep while she watches Ronan for me. I don’t really know what is going on. I know I have the most amazing friends surrounding me but somehow I can only find the courage to see a few faces.

I want to go home but nobody seems to think that’s a good idea. I don’t know what to do as the twins and the way they remember everything is the most important to me, but I also want to respect Ronan and take him home to be the only place he wants to be. I don’t know if I want strangers surrounding him if for some crazy reason he has to leave me. I just want him in my safe bed, in my safe house, the place he loves more than anywhere. I want that not only for myself, but for him as well. I’ve been so open and honest about everything and not the least bit private, but now I want to protect him from strangers hovering about. I don’t want those faces around my baby as he takes his last breaths. I feel a jailbreak coming on. And Ronan has his pistols in his hands to bust us out. Not that we would really need them, because I know the people here are so respectful of what you want to do. But a little cowboy action never hurt anyone.

That is all for tonight as I have officially lost my mind due to lack of sleep and oh, just the little fact that my son has cancer and I am just supposed to sit back and watch him die. FUCK YOU WORLD.

But I love you all as always, as long as you don’t say any of those idiotic things I mentioned above to me. Even if you think them, please don’t say them. They don’t give me strength at all. They even piss my husband off and it takes a lot to get him pissed.

G’nite all you cowboys out there. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

My sweet friend, Charisma sent this to me from her friend, Amber. I love it. Bittersweet. I love you, CC. I love you, Amber and I don’t even know you.

Ronan. Here’s a little prayer for Ronan,  beautiful eyes. Seeing the other side. Courage beyond any man.
He will be there. In the trees. In the leaves. It will make her live life, hate life, love life beyond…
Rebirth. Always more chances.
Those eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes.
Fabulous eyes.
We will light a candle at dinner for Ronan tonight and celebrate life.
~Amber
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69 thoughts on “The next person that tells me Ronan wants to go home, to heaven, can piss off

  1. Suba

    U r right. F**** those comments. I am actually angry today that lil Ro has to go thru this. My heart breaks not just for your precious also for you as well. As a mom, it is a terrible f***** pain that no mom should ever have to feel. After reading, I feel like carrying him away from there to your safe home…. Now I am crying … There are no words to give you strength. Sending you my big hug. Love .

  2. Amanda

    “So listen to this fleeting world, a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream, a flash of lightning in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, and a dream.”

    Prayers are woven intricately with gratitude to have had the opportunity to know such beauty, to have had the privilage to see and feel it. While ephemeral, Ronan’s life has already left such an deep impression on our lives.

    Hold on tight to those men in your life, Maya. You are proof of true love.

  3. amie

    Mama Maya, I feel your pain so much everyday!!! I could not agree with you more about the stupid little quotes I guess you could call them…I can tottaly understand your feelings, I wish so hard there was something else that could be done for lil Ro. I hope so bad there is a miracle doctor that will call you tomorrow or just for a plain fucking miracle!! Gawd, I just don’t know what to say, other than I can FEEL YOUR FAMILYS PAIN SOOOOO MUCH!
    Thinking of you, Much love to you and yours!

  4. Rose

    Only you know what’s best for your baby. Take him home and let him feel the love and security that can be best felt in his safe haven. You want it, he wants it. I am betting he perks up when he knows he’s there, and that little smile will let you know that you made the right decision.

  5. Frazier

    Goodnight Ronan, I love you.

    I know you don’t know me, but I have been following your blog for months. I have wanted to comment before, but I didn’t know quite what to say or make things worse. Tonight I felt like i had to reply to Ronan. His big blue eyes will forever be etched in my memories and will always be a part of who I am.

    Goodnight sweet boy.

  6. Brittney

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Ronan and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Patty Colson

    Take your sweet baby in your arms. Tell him if he is tired it’s ok to let go. He will not get better now. Sorry, sorry , sorry!! Your sweet baby is tired. He needs your permission to rest. You need to “start” accepting this process even though It is unfair & ugly. But YOU are his mom. You brought him here and only you can walk him to the other side. NOT because it’s ok, but because it’s REAL, and only you can help him do this!!! Been there, done this myself. NO
    matter how it hurt’s: it’s happening. Help him….

    .

  8. Cynthia

    What they said, you said and more.

    Thank you Maya, for sharing your story. Because of you, I reached out to a Mom at our school today whose little one is going through chemo now for Neuroblastoma. I may not be able to help you directly with Ronan and your family, but I can see what I can do for this family.

  9. Annie

    Maya my heart aches with you. I have no words that will ease your pain or give you strength, but just love him. Love him with all you have, we are all praying and hoping for that miracle.

    Hugs & loves to you & your boys.

  10. Stacey

    I can’t imagine I’d do, say, or be anything other than you are right now. I hate this for you. Your son is a gorgeous, sweet, amazing little man. Don’t stop believing.

    XO
    Stacey

  11. Jen

    It sux.. It’s hell.. This is what hell is. I don’t understand why and wish there were answers for you and my friends who have gone through the same thing. Why? My heart breaks for you. You can be sure you will see him again and spend eternity together. That’s the only answer that is real.

  12. Therese in Ireland

    Maya – follow your heart. Hold your little boy and reassure him, love him. He must be frightened too and he needs you now more than ever, as do your twins. There are so many of us out here that would do anything, anything, to help you and to take Ronan’s pain away. You and Woody and your families are there with him and he’s relying on all of you to help him, hold him, reassure him and tell him not to be afraid. Even if you’re beyond terrified, you have to do that for him. I think every one of the sayings you’ve mentioned above are utter crap and anyone that thinks saying that kind of stuff is helpful couldn’t be more mistaken. So don’t listen to it. Listen to your heart and above all else, be there for Ronan. He so desperately, desperately needs his Mum, his best friend, to keep it together and show him nothing but love. Love. Nothing, nothing can ever take that away. Remember that bond with Ronan you spoke about, that unbreakable, impenetrable bond? That will NEVER go. Never. Sending you every wish possible for peace and comfort and above all, love.

  13. Therese in Ireland

    Sending you and your family every wish in the world for comfort, peace and a miracle.

  14. K.M

    You are his Mommy if you want to take him home then take him home. You said it seems Ryan house doesn’t get many miracles. Ronan has to be there miracle, he has to beat the odds. Maya do whatever makes you and Ronan feel comfy & safe. Let your awesome friends make all the calls. You never know who’s out there waiting to heal Ronan. I agree with you, it can’t be over it’s just not time. I think you feel that in your soul that’s why it seems weird that everyone else seems to know something you
    don’t. No one NO ONE knows him like you & if you don’t feel it he’s not going. Stay awake, go crazy, eat, don’t eat do whatever the F you want & whatever will help Ro.
    You are his and he is yours.

  15. patricia scalise

    i am so with you………you and woody alone….know yourselves and your son…….follow your hearts

  16. Michiko Lindsey

    Miracles happen all around us. I believe in a miracle for Ronan. You will always be together no matter what. I also swore I would burn a church down. No words can comfort you at this time. Try not to despair. You have so much love.

  17. Kate

    you are right….those sayings are complete bullshit. cowboy action never hurt. take him in your arms to his safe home, to your safe bed, hold him and let him rest. he should be home cradled in your arms with your blessings and love and tender kisses. you are his mother, you brought him into this world and only you can give him the strength to be at peace. follow your heart and honor your beautiful, precious son and your unbreakable bond. i have walked this road and the only things ro needs is you. xoxo

  18. Laura

    You all are truly amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with your entire family. Do what is in your heart. You as parents know whatever it is you need to do for beautiful Ronan. I am glad you are there together, such a wonderful strong bond. Just hold each other tight. Just remember you all are love and prayer for by so many. I am so thankful you blog not only to keep everyone informed, but also so all your thoughts and emotions are not bottled up. All our love and prayers to your entire family.

  19. Traci Lopez

    I have not met you but a good friend of mine Kerri Thompson has told me about your family. It may not matter what I have to say but I think you are an amazing woman and Mother. You are Ronan’s #1 advocate and through your words you have demonstrated that over and over again. Never give up! Hugs to you and your entire family from a random person named Traci in San Antonio, Texas!

  20. Nicole

    You are right! Those sayings are WRONG!!! Nothing is right. My heart aches for you. I adore and admire your spirit and strength. You’re an amazing mother. Your boys are so lucky to have you and Woody. Sending you love, love, love.

  21. Farrah

    I am so sorry for all you are having to deal with. You are his mother,and you know what he needs. Follow your instincts and do what you believe he needs. No one else knows Ronan the way you do, so don’t let anyone else tell you how you should do any of this. You know best. I am a Christian and I have been praying so hard for Ronan. But even with my faith, I have no idea why this is happening. That’s one of the first questions I have for God, Why are little beautiful children ever sick with these horrible diseases? It is so fucking unfair. And as a Christian, I truly believe that God is big enough to handle our questions and our anger, and love us through it anyway. I will continue to pray for a miracle for Ronan, and for comfort for all of you. I will pray that Ronan’s pain eases and that you have good time with him. I am sending all my love to Phoenix. I hope that the love of all of your friends and all of us strangers provides some comfort to you. You are a much loved family, and Ronan is cherished by so many people. It’s amazing how much impact such a little person can have on the world. So many people coming together to love and pray and hope for one little perfect man. He’s changed lives, that beautiful little rockstar of yours.

  22. kim

    I have no words of advice, no great quote that will carry you threw this, no medical knowledge to wipe cancer of this filthy planet…nothing…but know I am thinking of you,weve never met and Im sure never will but you and you AMAZING child are in my thoughts daily…MOMMA LION YOU FIGHT AND YOU FIGHT WITH EVERY BREATH IN YOUR BODY, that boy is strong…and you FIGHT!!

  23. Amy

    Maya, I agree completely with your idea of breaking out of there with Ronan, pistols in hand. Take Ro home to your big, cozy, comforting bed. Like Rose said, I’m sure his spirits will lift knowing he is at home, in his own bed. I’ve been thinking of Ronan and your family every minute of the day, and still praying for a miracle!

  24. April Schubert-White

    Maya-

    I’m sure there is nothing I can write at this time that will make you feel better. In fact, I’ve wanted to say something for some time now. I’m an old classmate of Woody’s, and when I first learned of Ronan’s illness, it touched my heart in ways I never imagined…and then I saw his little face in a picture. It was the one of him on the beach. Those eyes!

    I am in constant pain from an injury that I got while in the Army. I had been down on myself, not really being the mom I used to be for some time now, and honestly taking things for granted. In October or November, I decided that if Ronan, being the little man that he is, could hack it, so could I. Infact, I decided that I had nothing to complain about. If this little guy could tackle something like cancer, I could hang in there with the pain I’m feeling. Ronan has been a huge example to me. He is who I am thinking of when I tell my child I can’t do something and turn it into a, “yes I can.” He is who I will think of before I show an ounce of what is paining me inside. This little boy has done more to touch people in his life than I think I have done in my whole lifetime. He makes me want to do more, be more, live more, laugh more and love more than I ever have.

    I hope for you Maya, I ache for you, I struggle with you as I read your posts. I don’t know how you feel, you’re soooo right about that. I won’t even try to say I do. You are an amazing woman, and if you need to go crazy when the time is right, do. Crazy isn’t always a bad thing. I think everyone has a right to do crazy once in a while. So, If you and Ronan want to bust out of that place, finger guns a-blazin’, I say go for it:)

    Thank you for your posts Maya, thank you for your brave words. Thank you for sharing your story with the many people you do. Thank you most of all for fighting so bravely right along-side your son.

    With heartfelt thanks,

    April

  25. Shirley

    Your Ronan, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I want you to know that I think you are one brave mother. You write what is in your soul. I pray every single day that children be spared from experiencing the pain and poison of cancer. Why should they have to go through such horrific things. They are innocent little souls. Why should most of their life be taken up with such suffering. What the hell can it accomplish? Who cares that the parents are strong enough to get though such a horrific loss of losing their child? What about the suffering of the baby, the toddler, the teen? Why should they have to endure so much poison and pain in their little bodies only to be taken away anyways? I don’t understand any of it. Why do parents have to sit by and watch this happening to their babies. What does this accomplish?

    I do believe in God but I do not believe that I or anyone else just has to accept. I am praying for a miracle..

  26. Denise Kivela

    Maya,Is there a pastor somewhere around there who could pray over baby Ro?Thats the last ditch effort on my end.I have prayed,prayed,prayed and told others to pray!Im really expecting a miracle!Period,why not God says to ask and we will recieve and we need a MIracle now GoD!Believe it or not those people at the facility are good people and this isnt there first time doing this,they just want to help so let them watch our miracle happen!It just has to happen!!Hang in there sweet Maya

  27. Rachel McClellan

    I do not know of a Mother’s love like yours. I cannot relate. I can feel your love even though I have not met you. The love you are showing for Ronan is the most amazing thing I have ever heard of. Last August when Dustin, myself and Woody went to breakfast in Flagstaff, I would not know the fate that has now played out to this very very difficult circumstance. I was asking Woody about his/your children since I have not met them, and he was describing little Ro as a free spirit kind of child that is mischievous, adventurous, would do anything kind of attitude. He sounds like the perfect son! I’m sorry I have not been able to meet your baby Ro, but I feel touched by him.
    You are a beautiful family. Hold on tight to each other.

  28. Katie

    You are the definition of a warrior mom! Keep fighting for that miracle! They do happen!!!!!! Kick that cancers ass!!!

    I have been following your blog for months and never commented till now. Please know you have all been in our thoughts and prayers. Ronan is a rockstar and a fighter! He is the sweetest and cutest guy with the most beautiful eyes! I will send all my most positive thoughts and prayers your way! Keep fighting~ You rock!

  29. L.P.

    Maya, you know what is best for Ronan. You said just a few days ago that he doesn’t want too many people around. It sounds like the Ryan house is a beautiful place. BUT, it is filled with strangers and tons of people. Take him home, lock your door and just be a family at home. Just the 5 of you.

  30. Jason Fry

    Maya,

    First off, I am friends with your wonderful friend CC. She cares so much about you and your family…….quite frankly it’s contagious. I could proceed to write you a bunch of trite sayings but to be honest, I don’t have any magical words. Only you know what you’re going through with your precious son. Please do not apologize for your feelings. Again, nobody knows what you’re going through. Just know that there are hundreds of thousands supporting you, your family and especially Ronan.

  31. Glenda

    Thinking of you and Ro. Follow your heart mama bear. Do what you think Ro would want. If you think home is where he belongs bring him home. Sending you hugs, strength and peace. Kisses for the lil man. Rock on ROCKSTAR RONAN!!! XO

  32. Marquita Ward

    Some words I have been reading and it reminds me of these sad times..so you can call it an expression of my sorrow..
    My sighing serves in place of my food, my groans pour out in a torrent; for the thing I feared has overwhelmed me, what I dreaded has happened to me. Ihave no peace, no quiet, no rest; and anguish keeps coming. I wish my frustrations could be weighed, all my calamities on the scales! If only I could have my wish granted, and God would give me what I’m hoping for- Have I enough strength to go on waiting? What can I expect that I should be patient? ..common sense has been driven from me.
    A friend should be kind to an unhappy man, even to one who abandon’s God. Seeing calamity makes you afraid.
    I will not restrain my mouth but will speak in my anguish of spirit and complain in my bitterness of soul.
    My spirit is broken..should people share with their friends when their own children’s eyes are so sad? I am nearly blind with grief.
    I pray for the Lord to fill your needs in Jesus name amen.

  33. Tricia

    I don’t think you’re brave or amazing. I think you’re a mom who is absolutely broken and you have a baby that you’re absolutely desperate to hold onto for as long as you can. I’m praying and praying and praying and crying and praying some more for Ronan, for you, your amazing husband and sons, for your parents and Woody’s and for all of your friends that are with you right now and I’m praying for all of your friends that are sitting at home right now curled up in the fetal position and broken themselves wishing they could take this pain away from your beautiful beautiful baby.
    This is all so unfair and I have always hated the cliche things that people say when we’re looking for answers.

  34. Tricia

    Which isn’t to say that you’re not brave or amazing… I just mean that you’re not doing this for the glory and you’re Mommy right now. Mommy is so much more powerful than anything else. Who could love your baby any more than you and Woody?

  35. Cheryl

    “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it days all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” Agatha Christie.
    My heart and love is with ya momma bear, keep fighting. I continue to ask for a miracle for your incredible blue eyed, brave boy. Xoxo

  36. Jennifer Tayman

    Maya~ please sleep for a bit. Woody will be right by Ronan’s side, he will not let anything happen without you present. Please take care of yourself, Liam, Quinn and Ronan need their Mama healthy!

    Wish I could do or say something, anything to help. Hugs and love are sent to you from CT.

  37. Marilyn Sanchez

    Maya,

    As a mother, I can only tell you this, do what your heart tells you to do. Be where you feel you need to be. If your baby boy loves to be snuggled in bed with you, his dad, and brothers… then so be it. At a time like this, WE all should be where we feel the most happy and safe.

  38. Shlomit

    Maya,
    I know Woody from highschool and i’ve been following your blog, supporting you, feeling your emotions with you, from your first post. I know what a great person Woody is and I feel like I’ve gotten to know you over the past 8 months, albeit under the worst circumstances.
    Ronan and you, through your words, have inspired thousands of people to be better — better people, better moms, better dads; quite simply to do more, live more, and be ever so grateful each and every day. If one thing is certain, it is that the ripple effect of this horrific situation you are in, will be one felt for many, many years and will result in positive things happening, all because of you and Ro. None of this matters right now, or maybe ever, but your baby and you are leaving an unbelievable imprint on all of our lives and Ronan will always be the inspiration and the reason for that, forever. He is etched in our hearts and minds for all time. You are in my heart every minute.

    A former classmate/friend of Woody’s,
    Shlomit (Robbins)

  39. Julie

    Maya,

    Ronan is a miracle. You are a miracle. I have never heard, or read such a touching story. I’ve laughed and cried with you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful little boy with us. I will remember his story until the day I die, and will pass it along when I see someone taking time with their own children for granted. Peace be with you and your family, and with the little boy with the bluest eyes I have ever seen.

  40. Mindy

    I get that we all die. None of us know when or how. We just know that we will, but I am truly sick of Cancer. FUCK CANCER! Just don’t let the anger consume you…for Ro’s sake. Get angry after it is all over. SCREAM, SCRATCH, HIT…let it out. Keep your eyes wide open to what is real right now. AND REMEMBER THAT THIS WORLD IS AN ILLUSION. LIFE IS REAL! Take your son home and keep him comfy…this process is what is real to him. Do what your heart is telling you. Don’t listen to the world…listen to what is real. YOU ARE REAL. If you can’t control it then don’t waste your energy trying to control it. DON’T waste any time on the illusions. My Dad died within 3 weeks of his diagnosis. FUCK CANCER! He didn’t fight it because he couldn’t. GLIOBLASTOMA FUCKING SUCKS!!!!! We had 3 weeks together. WE made the most of every second just as you are. He died in the comfort of his own home with my Mom, me and my sisters and my brother around him. He was eating icecream hours before he took his last breath. We sang hours before his last breath. I don’t know what it will be like for you, but I believe it can be whatever Ro wants it to be and you know him better than anyone does. He was born inside of you and he will live inside of you for the rest of your life.

  41. Val

    Maya
    There r o words to comfort you. I will ask for a miracle for Ronan and your family. Via con Dioscuri.

  42. Alison

    Maya,

    Thank you for sharing your story, even during the most difficult time of your life. No one should ever have to go through what Ronan, you, and your family and friends are going through right now and you have every right in the world to refuse to listen to those meaningless statements some people say. You and Ronan have a bond that will transcend and overcome anything that
    challenges it. My thoughts, prayers, and hopes are with Ronan, you, and your entire family now and always.

  43. Renae C.

    I agree with many followers, take Ryan home…..did you think about calling Dr. Tavis, the naturalpathic Dr?

  44. Melissa

    I am so sorry for every ounce of pain your family and your sweet boy have endured. I just learned of Ronan from a friend on FB who asked for prayers, so that is what I am doing and will continue to do. For strength, peace, and a really BIG miracle. Hoping and praying for you and your precious Ronan.

  45. Jodi Quinn

    SUPER MAMA I have no words that fit this situation my gosh I love you and u will get through this ur a fighter always have been I’m so sorry that u have to walk down this road as scary as I know it is there is a end most definatly the most unfair NEVER EVER give up hope I know that u wont I pray for a miracle every day I pray for u know that u r always in my thoughts and if i could take any even the tinest lil part of pain from u I would in a second ur a amazing woman,mama,wife,friend and many more I love u girly thank u for sharing this w the world u are really helpn others in similar situations stay srong xoxoxox Jodi Qinnn

  46. Paula

    I have no stupid assed quotes nor do I have any words of comfort.
    You have a beautiful family and I have to say thank you for letting me in for letting my see such love and fight and I hope beyond hope your family gets a miracle xxx

  47. J

    I am sobbing 😦 No words, No anything…. just do what your inner gut is telling you. I have followed your most private, precious and tender times. Your journey has been awful. But I do know you have a bond and love like NO OTHER
    If I were a mom i’d want to be just like you. Full of drive, committment, silliness and determination HUGE LOVE. I have lost my appetite to eat dinner.
    Feel free to hit something, scream and shout and anything else you want.oh yea and swear words. You deserve to

  48. Elaina Verhoff

    Thinking of your family and praying every day. (I met you once in the twins’ class where I’m sure I said the wrong thing, because in a situation like this it’s so hard to find any “right” words, and I am very good at putting my foot in my mouth.) Keep trusting your mama instinct.

  49. Claire

    I love you. You’re such an amazing mama bear and you’re fighting your heart out. Ronan does NOT belong in heaven, not yet. Heaven is for people that have lived for many years, that have used their talents to change the world and enable the dreams of others. Heaven is not a place for children. It’s motherfucking ridiculous. Cancer is motherfucking ridiculous. It takes the best of us and either cuts us down or scars us permanently. What is fair or comforting about that? Continue being as angry as you want, because you deserve to be angry, 100%.

  50. Heather

    Your family has been on my mind a lot today! I have shared your story several times with friends and patients….no words can make it better but just know that a lot of people are praying and thinking of you all. The way you are able to share your journey is amazing. Many hugs for you all!

  51. Colleen

    I tried to comment earlier but dont know if I did it right so sorry if this is a repeat.
    I wanted to share a post from my sister who recently lost her granddaughter, about thinking before you speak.
    I share your post on my facebook and ask my friends to pray for you. I wear a bracelet daily so when I see it i remember to pray for your family several times throughout the day. I want to apologize for those who tend to speak before they think, as well as myself, because it makes us feel better and we dont think about how it makes others feel. Thank you for your insight.
    Here is my sisters post about thinking before you speak…
    She included your comment at the end to reiterate the point!
    Before you speak…
    by Connie Phelan Iddings on Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 12:00pm
    “Everything happens for a reason.You were given this because you were strong enough to handle this. God has a greater plan for your child. Your child wants to go home, where he belongs in Heaven, so just let him go. At least you had as long as you did with her and you have other grandchildren, at least you can be grateful for that. You’ll be a better, stronger person because of all of this. ”

    These are comments given to a Mother whose child is battling for his life and to other Mother’s and Grandmother’s who have lost their babies.

    Think about it. Seriously. Stop and think about it. To a Mom and to a Grandma, there simply does not exist any justifiable “reason” for our babies to suffer and die.

    I am sure that God is taking care of our babes, but when you say God had a better plan, what exactly are you implying? That we somehow didn’t deserve our children-our parenting plan didn’t suffice while millions of others did? That God handpicked our babies to pluck out of our arms because he had a better plan? God is not cruel. His plan is to bless and not to harm us. (Jeremiah 29:11) I’m pretty sure it had very little to do with “God’s perfect plan.” I like how William P. Young author of The Shack puts it,

    “Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t
    ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”

    Never tell a parent their child is better off or tell a mother that her child wanted to leave her even to go to heaven, it’s like sticking a knife in her already broken heart. We don’t want our children to suffer. No good mother does. But, to add guilt to her grief by suggesting she is being selfish for going to any and every length to help her child survive and for wanting to hold onto her child as long as absolutely possible is unforgivable.

    Don’t think for one moment that we aren’t eternally grateful for every millisecond of time we were given. Whether it is a few moments, or decades it matter not, our baby is now gone. We are grateful for all the yesterdays but we still want the tomorrow’s. We want our children with us today, right now and would give absolutely anything to have them.

    Don’t get us wrong, we love and are grateful for all our children and grandchildren that are still with us, as we’ll also be for those we’ll be blessed with in the future, but that does not diminish our love or desire for those lost.

    Please never, ever tell a grieving Parent or Grandparent that they will be stronger, better people because of the death of their child. No one wants to benefit from the death of a child. We know you mean well, but it plants thoughts in our mind like, “What if I was a stronger and better person to begin with? Would my baby have been spared?” Is that your intention? I highly doubt it.

    Before you speak, pause to hug us and think. Tell us you are sorry. Let us cry and talk as much and as often about our baby without being made to feel guilty that you feel uncomfortable. Please don’t tell us that you think it is time we move on, leave that to the well-trained therapists. Our grief may remind you that we live in a world where children die before they are suppose to; a fact you may want to forget, but we don’t want anyone to forget our babies. We also don’t want anyone else to suffer needlessly if there is anything we can do about it. Therefore, we will keep talking about our children and about their death if we think it will help someone. It is important for everyone that we do.

    We know it is difficult. Believe me, we know! We understand most people have no idea what to say or that some things are far more hurtful to say than they ever realized. I tell you now so that you will know. I, myself most likely said these very statements in an attempt to comfort others in their grief and offer answers for questions we all have, that there are simply no answers to-at least for now.

    I close with a statement from a grieving Mother, “I love you all as always, as long as you don’t say any of those idiotic things…to me. Even if you think them, please don’t say them. They don’t give me strength at all.”

    Strength is what we need and what we need more than all is your unconditional love. Before you speak, pause and just give us your love.

  52. Kristie

    I have just learned about your beautiful son from a friend on FB. Your story touches my heart and crushes my soul . I sat with tears running down my face reading as I wished there was something I could do for you , your son and your family. Your pain is raw and real…please know that you have more people than you know pulling for you.
    As someone who has dealt with Hospice…if you want him home, take him there. We used Hospice of the Valley to help when my FIL had cancer. They were wonderful.

  53. Stephanie Siatta

    I won’t even pretend to know what to say to you. I am compelled to say something though. I am a mom too & I HATE that you are going through this. This is not fair. This is not right. This is not about heaven. This is complete bullshit! Children should not experience cancer. Children should not die. Moms should never have to lie awake for days in fear that they might miss their babies last breath. I am so sorry that Ronan, you, your husband and your beautiful twins are going through this hell. I hope for a miracle for Ronan. I hope for laughter & love again in your life like no one has ever experienced before. You guys just deserve a f***ing break. To God or whatever type of higher being is out there please grant this family some frikkin peace…just a few moments of peace…a few moments where their hearts don’t ache so badly…a few moments where the pain is a little less…a moment or two where their brains can just shut out the sorrow, the fear & heartache. Just let them float weightless & take all the shit away for just a moment. Just a few moments – is that too much to ask for?!

  54. Amanda

    Ronan baby you are the bravest and strongest most beautiful little boy I have ever laid my eyes on. You don’t know me but I have been following this blog since the beginning and I feel like I know you and your beautiful family. Maya I agree with you FUCK CANCER, be angry, fight for your child, you are the strongest mother I have ever “known” I know you will never give up, you have truly inspired me, you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers and always will be. Ronan, your story will continue to be heard and you will continue to inspire all. Thompson family, you dont know me but I love you and I will continue to send my positive energy and prayers your way.

  55. Michaela

    You and your family are in my thoughts. I truly believe the only answer to when people tell you he “wants to go home…” is yes he does. But he wants to go home TO HIS FAMILY, HAPPY and HEALTHY.

  56. Trina

    I am going say what the BIBLE says. I speak LIFE to every part of Ronan’s body. In the name of JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARATH, I declare that Ronan will live and not die; that he will Live out the full number of his days on this earth. It’s God’s will that Ronan live out his life here on earth with his loving parents and siblings. I speak LIFE to every cell in Ronan’s body and I speak Death to cancer in his body. I command cancer, in the name of JESUS to die, dry up and wither from Ronan’s body. Let the life of God now flow through Ronan. Let the healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ flow through Ronan driving out every trace of cancer. The name of Jesus is above the name of cancer, and I declare that cancer has to bow at the name of Jesus. God is the giver of life. It is the will of God that Ronan live and not die. Just as sure as there is a God in heaven, there is a devil in Hell and it’s the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I command every work of evil to cease in Ronan, every work of the devil to cease right now, every work of cancer to leave that boy’s body, NOW in the name that’s above every name, the name of JESUS. That’s my prayer for Ronan and that’s what I will continue to pray.

  57. carrie ball

    Wow…. I see you have words to share. Just letting Ronan know today that I am thinking of him and praying that he feels less pain and that this goes AWAY, I do think that miracles happen and all I can do is pray, I wish I could do more. Neuroblastoma devistated our family, but as with your family, we are never giving up. You are a strong, beautiful boy and your family loves you sooo much. You can do this Ronan! You will get better, feel less pain and go to your next adventure and I think it will be a very special adventure! God Bless sweet little man, love Carrie in AZ

  58. carrie ball

    And to the baby girl that lost her life while you were in the hallway, my heart aches for her family!!!! Tears, and pain. Loosing a child is just a living death.

    NB and childhood cancers need research funding and a cure, the sooner the better. Until then we have to stick together and stand up strong, cussing in frustration and pain is not bringing anyone any relief, infact to me it is a slap in the face to feel such pain for a child and then see such disrespect to everyone on HIS website, which is for HIM to be able to have and read when he gets THROUGH THIS!!!
    So I hope you can find it in your heart to think of us other Neuroblastoma families that are fighting to keep their children alive, as my great Nephew, and show a little empathy for us as well.
    You are in pain, and we are here for you too, we care about your pain and fear and for you as our family, NB families, but Ronan really is the one who is in pain and we should be able to send him love and messages without the F this and F that from this?
    He has a wonderful loving mother and family and just needs that!! You are a warrior!!! You are his Mother!!! we love you and we love Ronan, maybe let your anger out in a personal journal and then his site can be a more positive place to share the maybe’s and what if’s that we hold on to?
    My family has been torn, emense fear, pain, and there is no way we would ever set blame on anything, when we try, we get shut down by others that show us the way again, we all need each other. No one knows what it really feels like to have a child with cancer unless you have a child with cancer. The Dr’s don’t know everything and either do we, but we CAN keep going and be real warriors right?
    How could we hear about a child’s LAST breath but find pages of F everything and F everyone? It is a theme on here, and the only reason I write is to show Ronan how much he is cared for by strangers, as myself, that he may never meet, but will be there for him no matter what.
    I KNOW how much pain you are in, you and your family and friends!!! My family feels it every day and it is too scary to think ANYTHING besides, this will NOT beat him, period, it won’t and it CAN’T, there will be something or someone that will come in to your lives as well as ours and your miracle will happen, you must think it 100% reach out to other NB families and unite
    I want to go to the hospital and give you a big hug Maya and squeeze you tight until there is no more fear, so I am willing to hug you a long time!!! I want to hug Ronan and look in those beautiful eyes and see relief from him. He IS going to be ok, he IS, period, no one can say otherwise, they have no idea, either do I, but I say he is, PERIOD.
    WE are here for you and your family every day, all day. If you need anything just ask. Mother’s Day is coming up and I hope you have the most special day with all your children. Prayers and love constant.
    Carrie-AZ Phoenix Children’s Hospital

  59. carrie ball

    Goodnight to you all, love and hugs and constant prayer for you Ronan and your beautiful family, xxoo hope you wake up feeling so much better. I am going to try to get to see you, or at least bring something very special for you to open and play with! God Bless and sweet dreams. You are a Super Hero.
    Carrie~AZ ❤

  60. Chantal

    I cannot stop reading your blog. I heard about Ronan shortly after my fiance passed away this past August and I haven’t been able to stop reading and researching. I’m taking a stand as you have. I know our pain is completely diffrerent but i can’t help feeling the same, and if you want to hit anyone who says those things, I’m with you 200%. The one that sets me off is “at least he’s not suffering” no your right he’s not, but we all are now and the best thing that could have happened was him NOT getting cancer. Ignore the ignorant people and keep up your inspiring journey.

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