Please don’t leave me


Please tell me today didn’t happen. Please tell me I didn’t have a conversation with my husband about what we are going to do for Ronan’s services. Please tell me I then didn’t go to Hava Java and sit with Fernanda, Stacy, Marisa, Danielle, Tricia, and Macy about planning everything. This all happened so fast. Too fast. All I want is more time with him. I am so scared now. I’m left with nothing except for waiting for my baby to go. He spent all of today in my bed, sleeping, and crying out in pain. Morphine, Morphine, and more Morphine. I couldn’t get him out of my bed so I sat with him, rubbed him, and tried to comfort him. Nothing was working and I couldn’t talk him into going outside, playing with his brothers or anything. I texted Dr. Maze and asked him if it was the Morphine that was making him so tired or was it because he is getting close to dying? I almost threw up writing out those words. He responded back it was the Morphine. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise as I know he does not want to say those words to me. I decided that I was not comfortable with Ronan being home, as his pain is not getting better. We have taken him down to the Ryan House where they can hook him up with a drip of some stronger pain medication. I’m not sure how long we will stay here, but it is such a gorgeous place, for being in the worst situation. Woody and Tricia dropped us off. I spent the evening trying to get Ro comfortable. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I have been rubbing his leg for an hour, listening to his shallow breaths, watching him twitch and whimper in his sleep. I’ve been talking to him all night, telling him I’m not going anywhere and neither is he. He is hurting so badly and all I can do is hold his hand and rub his little body. Aubrey came by tonight to sit with me and love on Ronan. He knows there is not much time left even though he refuses to tell me. I can read that man like a book and he doesn’t even have to say a word. His eyes say it all.

I’m trying to be strong for the sake of Ro. I’ve done an o.k. job but tonight, I lost it in front of him. I was whispering to him about how he cannot leave me, how he promised. How we had to fight and still be strong so we could always be together. The tears were pouring down my cheeks. He looked up and goes, “Please don’t cry. You’re making me sad.” Ugh. Wise little man. I stopped, until he then told me the the medicine he is taking is making him so sleepy that he can’t even play and that is making him sad. Unreal. All of this. I am so desperate at this point… there has to be someone out there who can help my baby. This cannot be the end. I cannot let go so soon. I need more time with him, so a cure can be found and he can be healed. I cannot lose my baby. Please God. Let him stay here with me; he is so happy with us. Our lives will be so empty without him.

I cannot get Ronan comfortable. He has tossed and turned all night, asking to go home. We had Mimi and Papa wake the twins up around 10 and bring them down here to stay with us as Ronan was begging for them. Quinn is sleeping with Ronan and myself. Liam is in the room right next door with Woody. We are keeping the twins home from school tomorrow. They need all the time with Ronan they can get. We have still not had the talk with them. I keep finding a reason not to do it. Once it is done, that means this is real and I am not ready to accept that yet. I’m not sleeping. How could I possibly sleep at a time like this? I have to watch Ronan at all times to make sure he is still here, he is still mine. His breaths seem labored and forced. His tummy is hurting and he seems confused. He told me tonight that he wants to go home, but doesn’t want to have to get back on the airplane to do so. He also told me I wasn’t saving him. If he only knew how I am trying everything I possibly can to save him.

I’m having Woody call Doctor Sholler tomorrow. Her name was thrown around quite a bit tonight when I put out a desperate post on the Neuroblastoma website. She is supposed to be one of the doctors that thinks outside the box. Woody seems to think that nothing can be done, but I refuse to believe that. Somebody out there has to be able to save my Ronan. I’m not accepting anything until I hear it from everyone I possibly can. I’m not giving up on him. I’ve got to get him more comfortable so I can buy myself some time. I cannot stand seeing him in pain.

He is awake, he is restless, so I am going to rub him and sing to him. G’nite Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars. I love you all so much.

xoxo

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72 thoughts on “Please don’t leave me

  1. K.M

    It’s not over, til it’s over. Praying, crossing all my fingers and toes and wishing on every star I could see tonight that this Dr. Schuller comes in and somehow has answers and can somehow, someway save our little Rockstar. As far as morphine goes, I was on it for 2 c-sections and it defiantly doesn’t want to make you run and pray. I choose to believe that is why little man can’t get up & be his bad-ass self. It has to be. Praying this nightmare is over tomorrow and he is running around & eating up a storm. Did I mention cancer can Suck It?

  2. Nicole Billa

    Wondering if anyone near Maya has access to Young LIving products. They make a really light-smelling massage oil called Ortho-Ease that is meant to relieve pain. Also there is wintergreen in it so it’s a good smell for nausea. it might be nice to have when you are rubbing his legs-
    Praying for you all, all day long…

  3. Christine W

    My heart hurts for you, Ronan, and your whole family. No child deserves this pain. Maya, you have done and are doing everything you can.You are a warrior and so is your baby Ronan. I wish you strength, peace, and love. I have you all in my thoughts constantly and wish I could give you the miracle you deserve. May this gift of another day be a better one for all of you.xoxoxox

  4. Stacey

    No words… Just compassion coming from this end. Do everything you possibly can, just like you’ve always done. Calling Dr Sholler is just a phone call. So do it. Even if just for you.

    No matter what, you’ll never think, what if?

    XO,
    Stacey

  5. Rose

    Hold him tight and don’t let go. It hurts my heart to know that a baby is in so much pain. Why does this happen?

  6. Farrah

    We all love you right back. Please tell your beautiful precious Ronan that there are people all over the world that are thinking of him right now and loving him. And loving you and the rest of your family. Right now, 100’s of people are loving and praying for you all. And when they stop for a second, a 100 more will take over. I am praying, praying, praying for you all.

  7. Laura

    You all are so loved. I’m sad you didn’t get your weekend. I am very thankful you have found comfort in Ryan house, it is a very special place. I still pray for a miracle, but find peace that you are engulfed in love always. Smart to stay together.

  8. lake5family@aol.com

    Maya- You are simply FUCKING amazing!!! I thank you for sharing your life with the world right now!!! Your love is overwhelming…. Thoughts and hugs and prayers….

  9. kelli

    Breaks my heart to see your baby is in so much pain, Ronan you are a VERY special little boy, and you are an amazing mother.

  10. Tricia

    My heart is broken for all of you. There are no words. I wish that I could take away all of Ronan’s pain and your anguish.

  11. Alyssa Crews

    Praying, pleading, for Ronan to be free of pain and able to be awake, smiling, talking to you, and his dad and brothers, playing with his star wars guys. He is such a fighter.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  12. Jessica-June

    I feel so much sorrow for you and your family, but still have some hope left that something or someone can still help to make Ronan better. He has been such a strong fighter (like his mommy), it just isn’t fair after all you have gone through. I keep praying for him, he’s such a special boy and I know that however things go, he will always be with you and your family. Keep hope alive!

  13. Sonja

    Maya-

    I have not posted much but please know that I have been “listening” to you daily. I read your post as soon as I get out of bed (right before my morning prayer). I continue to pray that God gives you strength and that your baby boy’s pain is eased. I continue to pray for a miracle.

  14. Denise Kivela

    Someone HAS to get him out of pain.There has to be some knucklehead doctor out there that CAN get that baby out of pain.This is ridiculous!!!This isnt new to doctors,PAIN that is and hes just a little guy so get on those DOCS and they have to keep him out of pain PERIOD!!Have your mom get in their faces as shes a tough girl,she can make them see the right way! Im praying to “the man”JESUS CHRIST!!!We all have to pray together!He can make this a MIRACLE!!!!!!

  15. Renae C.

    Dearest Maya & Woofy, Please think outside the box, have a pastor pray over him and the family, alternative healing measures, there’s no scientific proof,however, if it can relieve pain And create comfort. Acupuncture, herbs,detox etc….I know some of the best people and I’m sure others do as well. With all of our love!

  16. Juliet

    i am sending you love, hope, and stregnth. stay strong and know we are here for you now and always.

  17. Amanda Oliver Kop

    You and your sweet boy are held in our thoughts and prayers consistently. I am wraping my arms around you both from San Diego.

  18. A Friend

    This is a beautiful photo holding his hand and him holding yours Maya. Please know and feel our love for Ronan and your family. So many of us are heartbroken. I think about your family every waking moment and theres 1000’s of us out there who feel this pain. We love you.

  19. jessica

    We share a lot in common, you and I. Twins, a foul mouth, and neuroblastoma; and of course all that comes with that. I’ve walked this path before you. A well worn path. When you are ready, if you are ready, i’m here. I will pray for peace.
    a mother’s love,
    jessica

  20. Marquita Ward

    Praying for the Lord to bring you any understanding at all to help get you all through this…praying for Ronan’s comfort for sure..mercy, mercy, mercy..in Jesus name amen!

  21. Jen

    Your Ronan will never leave you. I am absolutely sure about that. You are an amazing mother and are teaching many of us valuable lessons. I lost my sister after several months of ICU and rehabilitation and finally a week in hospice. I am grateful that my parents gave me a few minutes of alone time with her after she was admitted. It was important to me to be able to say the things I wanted to even if she could no longer understand me. Your boys may be too young for that, but I am thinking of them and saying a special prayer for them. And always thinking of Ronan.

  22. Kristina

    Not hundreds – thousands of people are loving him and your whole family! We are all beyond touched by your story and all of us wish we could take at least some of Ro’s pain onto ourselves. Just the idea of him in pain hurts me so bad, I cannot even begin to image what you might feel.

    Don’t you ever dare to feel guilty about anything. You have done everything in your power to save him. You are the ideal of the mother and Ronan is lucky to have you by his side.

    Please draw sanity from the people, who surround you this blog and the good energy people send towards you and share this love with your baby.

    I don’t know about God, but I am sure that souls don’t disappear – Ronan will NEVER leave you.

    Love and strength…

  23. Nicole

    My heart is breaking for your family, last night while my 4 yr slept I just thanked god for him because I know things could have been different, I will continue to pray and know you and your family will always hold a special place in my heart

  24. Elaina Verhoff

    Sending lots of love, strength and prayers to you and your family. You have an amazing spirit and I will continue to pray for your sweet little boy.

  25. Jodi Quinn

    Maya I love u and I’m so sorry u r goin through this ur a very strong woman and always have been I’m praying for u and Woody and ur boys hang in there babe u guys are always in my thoughts!!

  26. Courtney

    Hi there- I’ve read your blog this last weekend and have tempted myself to write you everyday, just never sure of the right things to say or how to even begin to express how sorry I am that you & your family are forced to go through such a crazy time. Let me start out by saying that Ronan is one the most beautiful little boys I have ever seen, you are so blessed to have such a loving husband and great friends and family by your side as you take on this challenge. I laid up last night and prayed for Ronan and your family for hours last night, asking god to cure every ache and pain in his little body, to touch ever piece of disease or sickness inside him and remove him immediately. I also sent out a prayer email to everyone at our church along with your website and email so everyone I can possibly think of can join you in this fight. Please just know that in this difficult time, you’ve got thousands of people all around praying for healing and strength over Ronan and we will not give up.

  27. Dawn

    That precious little boy of yours is blessed to have you as a Mother. In all of the uncertainty, I hope that you can carry that with you.
    I am and will continue to send my love and prayers to Ronan, you, and your entire family. I cannot stop thinking of all of you and hoping for that miracle.

  28. Jenni Levine

    Maya – On Ronan’s Facebook page – a woman named Ivy posted the name of a naturopath physician whom has healed other children in stage 4. He is very willing to meet with you. I know you are hopeful…I am supporting you from afar, as I know of you through mutual friends. Your family is being prayed for and loved every day.

    Jenni L

  29. mindee

    our hearts and prayers are with you! I am not sure but have you herd of the gerson institute? dont know if they would be of any help. Your little rockstar has touched so many hearts!

  30. angie

    as i read your blog i can not help the tears that pour down my cheeks, the pain that Ronan is beyond heart breaking! This is so nat fair! NOT FUCKING FAIR AT ALL! i wish i had a magic wand to make this all better! i just dont understand why this has to happen to the most beautiful little boy!
    I wish i could take his pain from him and let his little body be healed id give my life to help him and take his pain away! if only it was that easy!
    I will continue to pray that they find a cure and that no other child has to go thru this, i will continue to keep you all in my prayers, your an amazing woman with so much courage! may you all be watched over each and everystep of the way! always praying, angie

  31. Pam Fanning

    Maya, my heart is breaking for you Ro and the family. I remember this all too well with Sierra Rayn and we were all there together. It doesnt matter if your boys miss the rest of the school year to be with Ro, he wants them and they deserve to be with their baby brother. You’re one of the GREATEST mothers I’ve known through this and I respect everything about you. I read all your post daily and cry daily with you. I feel your pain deep inside of me. I know I will never know how you feel because I wasnt a mother to an NB patient, but an aunt but I watched the exact events you’re speaking of happen. The pain, why do these precious babies have to be in pain!!! God please take away the pain! Maya keep fighting, do not give up! We love you and are behind you. XOXO

  32. tanya

    I wish that there was something I could do, that I had words to take away some of your pain. I don’t know you but I have been praying for Ronan, for you and your family. Praying for a miracle, praying for strength, and praying for moments that bring all of you smiles and sunshine or even a laugh to help brighten these very hard dark days for Ronan, for you, and for your family. As a mother my heart breaks for you and also admires all you have done for your beautiful little boy. Continue to hope, continue to pray and continue to give him all of the love you have in your heart. Lean on those close to you and I hope you find strength knowing that even those of us who have never met you are here to listen to you vent when you need and to continue to pray for miracles, big and small.

  33. Autumn

    I would give anything to make a miracle happen and to take away all of this pain from your family, dont ever give up We all believe in Ronan and I do believe in miracles….

  34. Nicole

    Sending your entire family all of the love, hope, and prayers that I have. You have been in my heart and mind endlessly. Wishing there was some way that I could help your family and your beautiful baby boy.

  35. Glenda

    My heart is broken. Ro should not be in pain. I thought of him and your family all weekend. Praying praying!!! This is not fair!!! Sending you hugs and praying for strength for your entire family. Kisses to Ro. Hope and peace!

  36. Maureen

    sending the most powerful prayers of strength and peace to you every second of everyday. no matter what i do i think of Ronan. he is beautiful and so are you. i wish i was magic…

    all my love to you,
    maureen

  37. Trish

    Prayers coming your way for your sweet baby boy Ronan and that loving family of yours. You are doing all you can surrounding your little man with all of your love. Never doubt any of your decisions. You are a wonderful Mama bear Maya, never doubt yourself one bit….not now, not ever!!!!

  38. Shay

    I’m not even quite sure what to write. I’m sure there are no words out there that are going to bring you any sort of comfort. Your Ronan is a beautiful boy and my heart is broken for you. I wish there was something more I could do to take away this nightmare called cancer.

  39. Jen

    I don’t know you but my heart aches for you. You and your family will be in my prayers. I am so sorry, no one should have to endure something like that. I can’t even begin to fathom what you are going through!

  40. Jennifer K.

    I’m writing this post to Maya even though I believe she doesn’t read then anymore. I’m hoping a close friend will pass my message on to her. Maya, I pray with both young and old who are sick. I have been praying for Ronan for months now, after learning about him from a friend of a mutual friend. I feel led to pray with Ronan if you would allow. I have to be honest I don’t know what I’ll be led to pray until I see him, but I do know whatever I pray will be filled with light and love. I am a mother of four children, ages 5-17. I feel love and compassion when I pray for your child. God heals through love. I would like to pray and touch Ronan’s hand with you right beside me. To this point nothing is work…you have nothing to lose. Lastly, I am not crazy…I’m a mother just like you who loves her children beyond words and would move the world for them if she could. Sometimes life is out of our hands and all we can do us rely on the one who created us all. I hope you will respond.

  41. Rhe

    Bless this handsomely precious blue eyed beautiful little guy! My thoughts and love to Ronan and his family and friends!

  42. Elizabeth Z

    Ronan, God blessed you with a beautiful mother, my heart breaks for you but I know God is by your side, close to you and he has a plan for you, we don’t know what that is. I have no words and tears are rolling down my eyes, I don’t have babies but I have, like you, a beautiful courageous mother that would give her everything for me. We are blessed to have known such beautiful perfect love, the only true love. God Bless you and all your family, we are all praying for you. ❤ I

  43. Connie

    He wants to go home to Heaven. Please tell him that in Heaven he will have no pain. Please tell him that you will come later, but God has different plans for each person. Your twins need you, and they need to know that life is for the living and we all go to heaven eventually. Ronan just went faster – like on space shuttle. Some take cars, buses, trains – but we all get to heaven: faster or slower. “Grief is the price we pay for love.” love & kisses, Connie

  44. Laura K

    You guys are constantly in my prayers. I don’t think I’ve gone more than 5 minutes without thinking about/praying for Ronan these last few days. I am heartsick for all you are going through.

  45. Katie

    The depth of the sorrow you’ve been through and are continually facing is utterly unimaginable and I am so so so sorry for all this pain and brokenness and sickness. My heart truly is breaking for the pain your family and your beautiful boy are having to endure.

    I wish there were words that could heal. Just know there are people that are praying when you can’t even think about it…when maybe all you wanna do is scream “fuck you God,” and people you don’t even know sending love your way.

  46. Enemy of Cancer

    Maya,

    I am not a mother, a wife, or even but a couple months past my 20th birthday. But I love your family and Ronan with every fiber of my heart and soul. I know there is nothing I can do or say to ease your pain but I send you all of the love and strength I have every single day.

    I just wanted to let you know of the promise I have made in honor of Ronan. This year, Ronan and his story inspired me to participate as a team captain in my university’s Relay for Life fundraiser. As a school we raised $32,000 for the American Cancer Society.

    My promise is that from this year on, I will participate in Relay for Life in honor of Ronan and every other child who has been affected by this horrible disease. And when I grow up and get a steady job, I promise to donate 10% of my income to finding a cure for cancer. I promise to never stop fighting until no one has to hear the words “You have cancer.” ever again. I promise to never forget Ronan’s story and the fire it put in my heart to stopping this disease.

    I will never give up on this fight, I’m far too stubborn and motivated for that. FUCK CANCER AND KEEP FIGHTING THOMPSON FAMILY! Thank you for sharing baby Ro with us, it means the world to me that you did. Praying for a miracle and sending all of my love every moment of every day.

  47. Allison

    Words fail to express the heart. Sending you love, light and a wish for peace-for you, for Woody and Quinn and Liam, and especially for Ronan.

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  49. Beth

    Praying hard for you Ronan! Everyone please stop and say a prayer to Pope John Paul II for Ronan. He was beatified yesterday in Rome, meaning he is one step from Sainthood. He need one more “miracle” Ronan can be that miracle. Pray everyone pray!

  50. amy

    Words can’t express the admiration I have for you, Maya, and your precious son Ronan. I think about both of you and your family all day, and just wonder why, how, who…It doesnt make sense. You are such an amazing person and mother and your son is a hero to the world. Your dedication and strength are like none other. Praying for a miracle today and everyday. Stay strong.

  51. Susan Danzi

    My kids and I started a project in 2009 called Bears for Smiles. I would like to send Ronan a bear if it’s ok with you.
    You can visit the website at http://www.bearsforsmiles.com for more info. I can get a bear to him in the next 2-3 days via FedEx (we are in PA). Please email me your address as well and any accessory/clothing that Ronan likes. I will get it sent tomorrow.

    Much love to you and your entire family ❤
    Susan Danzi
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kayladanzi

  52. J

    I am not a mother , but I love your family and Ronan with every fiber of my heart and soul.I have followed your journey from day one. I know there is nothing I can do or say to ease your pain but I send you all of the love and strength I have every single day. I have no words of wisdom but I do hold you tight w hugs and a soft place to land. Keep rubbing his back and keep singing those beautiful love songs.

  53. Rebecca

    I just wanted to send my wishes for strength and hope. There are really no words to make you feel better. Just know that your family and your boy are being thought of by so many.

  54. Rosemary S.

    Copy/pasted from the facebook site for you…

    Ivy Reed Ciolli
    Hi my name is Ivy and we have mutual friends which has lead me to your son’s fb page. i have an amazing alternative medicine healer that i would like you to meet. his name is Tavis and he would be happy to meet you and Ronan. He has healed other young stage 4 cancer patients and he is here in the scottsdale area. He has… treated my family for 5 yrs for various reasons and i would love to put you in touch. He would be happy to consult with you at any time. I have a 1.5yr old son and i would want anyone to reach out to me with help. my email is ivyciolli@yahoo.com if you would like to contact me. My husband and I own Grimaldis Pizzeria here in the valley and across the country to tell you who i am. – PLEASE TRY THIS..

  55. Jennifer Tayman

    Maya~ This photo is one of the most touching photos I have ever seen. Hold that baby’s hand and he will guide you, let him lead you, He is a fighter and he is strong. Woody, Liam, Quinn and Ronan have a beacon of light and hope and that is you Maya. You are truly an inspiration and the most wonderful Mother. I admire your strength and maternal instinct and send hugs & love your way. My heart is broken for your pain.

  56. Patrice Metzler

    Thinking of you, your family, and Ronan every minute…praying each moment I can for a miracle to happen. You have touched my heart deeply…keep fighting.

  57. Huyen

    I think about Ronan, you and your family every day. I have two boys, 3 & 4, who I cherish even more after reading your blogs. I’m hoping for a miracle with you and wish I could do anything to help.

  58. Sharon

    Maya ~ I’ve not posted my support, but I check in daily before I say my prayers for the day so that I can pray for your dear sweet baby, for strength for you and for your entire family and friends that love you. I’ve watched my parents go through your pain and it just sucks. There are no words. I just want you to know Ronan is in my thoughts and I continue to pray for his miracle!

  59. marie

    Your blog has been inspiring. Even though I don’t have an experience to compare I send love and prayer to you and baby ronan. I am amazed at your strength threw all this. Your post have reached a lot of people and have touched many hearts. I belive you can help a lot more people by maybe writing a book in the future. Your words are so touching and powerful. I have fallen in love with ronan and your family and hope for a miracle. Sending love hope and prayer.

  60. Angie Anderson

    I saw your post on acor lists….My heart broke when I read it. I literally poured over your journal entries. They really hit home for me. My son was diagnosed with this horrid disease on Feb 3, 2011. I HATE neuroblastoma… I have been thinking of Ronan…and you. I wish you only the best, and can only offer my thoughts and prayers, I wish it were more.

  61. Kim

    Take him home if he wants to be home. There are things the doctors and nurses can do while you are at home. Let him be with his family and not strangers. Tell everyone to keep their tears inside while they are around Ronan. He’s a happy little boy and you want to keep him that way. There are miracles. I have faith there ARE still miracles. Love and prayers….Kim

  62. Retina Udave

    Prayers go to the Ronan Family. They are a very Strong Family. Keep praying those who have seen this post. I cannot say enuff. if this does not make want to hold your child closer then i dont know what would. To Ronans mom you are very strong and you and your family deserve to be given a cure for your child. your dedicated and you seem like you have taken a beaten since his diagnosis. But spend all your time with your child. As one mother to another my child is my life. ♥

  63. angela

    Your story has broken my soul wide open. I am crying a hard Hard cry. I have a 9 year old boy and the pain your going thru is familiar.my family and I were at the ryan house last year with my 13 month old niece. We spent a week there. Charlie chapman and all of the staff were amazing. My heart is with you and I pray god takes care of you and your family and little Ronan. Be gentle with yourself. Lean on those who want to help.your a wonderful mommy. Give Ronan a kiss for me. Although we have never met, we have had a similar journey. God bless you.
    Angela (honoring your son and remembering megan gabrielle gift -dittmer)

  64. Carissa

    I just heard the song ‘Ronan’ and I’m sure you get a lot of comments like this, but I have been reading your blog and for most of the time I had tears in my eyes. But when I read this post I just broke down sobbing. I am so sorry for your loss, he was such a beautiful boy, so full of life and he nor any of you deserved any of this; no one does. It’s heart wrenching. I have a little brother who’s 5 years old and I don’t think I could go on living if anything happened to him. You are such a strong and inspiring person to have coped with everything and Ronan would be so proud of you. My best wishes.
    ~ Carissa x

  65. Destine Alemany

    I am still reading this today and everytime i read it i cry:( this is soo touching god bless him.. i soo sorry for your loss he tryed soo hard but i know hes in a better place at least its better than him suffering in pain:(

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