Please tell me today didn’t happen. Please tell me I didn’t have a conversation with my husband about what we are going to do for Ronan’s services. Please tell me I then didn’t go to Hava Java and sit with Fernanda, Stacy, Marisa, Danielle, Tricia, and Macy about planning everything. This all happened so fast. Too fast. All I want is more time with him. I am so scared now. I’m left with nothing except for waiting for my baby to go. He spent all of today in my bed, sleeping, and crying out in pain. Morphine, Morphine, and more Morphine. I couldn’t get him out of my bed so I sat with him, rubbed him, and tried to comfort him. Nothing was working and I couldn’t talk him into going outside, playing with his brothers or anything. I texted Dr. Maze and asked him if it was the Morphine that was making him so tired or was it because he is getting close to dying? I almost threw up writing out those words. He responded back it was the Morphine. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise as I know he does not want to say those words to me. I decided that I was not comfortable with Ronan being home, as his pain is not getting better. We have taken him down to the Ryan House where they can hook him up with a drip of some stronger pain medication. I’m not sure how long we will stay here, but it is such a gorgeous place, for being in the worst situation. Woody and Tricia dropped us off. I spent the evening trying to get Ro comfortable. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I have been rubbing his leg for an hour, listening to his shallow breaths, watching him twitch and whimper in his sleep. I’ve been talking to him all night, telling him I’m not going anywhere and neither is he. He is hurting so badly and all I can do is hold his hand and rub his little body. Aubrey came by tonight to sit with me and love on Ronan. He knows there is not much time left even though he refuses to tell me. I can read that man like a book and he doesn’t even have to say a word. His eyes say it all.
I’m trying to be strong for the sake of Ro. I’ve done an o.k. job but tonight, I lost it in front of him. I was whispering to him about how he cannot leave me, how he promised. How we had to fight and still be strong so we could always be together. The tears were pouring down my cheeks. He looked up and goes, “Please don’t cry. You’re making me sad.” Ugh. Wise little man. I stopped, until he then told me the the medicine he is taking is making him so sleepy that he can’t even play and that is making him sad. Unreal. All of this. I am so desperate at this point… there has to be someone out there who can help my baby. This cannot be the end. I cannot let go so soon. I need more time with him, so a cure can be found and he can be healed. I cannot lose my baby. Please God. Let him stay here with me; he is so happy with us. Our lives will be so empty without him.
I cannot get Ronan comfortable. He has tossed and turned all night, asking to go home. We had Mimi and Papa wake the twins up around 10 and bring them down here to stay with us as Ronan was begging for them. Quinn is sleeping with Ronan and myself. Liam is in the room right next door with Woody. We are keeping the twins home from school tomorrow. They need all the time with Ronan they can get. We have still not had the talk with them. I keep finding a reason not to do it. Once it is done, that means this is real and I am not ready to accept that yet. I’m not sleeping. How could I possibly sleep at a time like this? I have to watch Ronan at all times to make sure he is still here, he is still mine. His breaths seem labored and forced. His tummy is hurting and he seems confused. He told me tonight that he wants to go home, but doesn’t want to have to get back on the airplane to do so. He also told me I wasn’t saving him. If he only knew how I am trying everything I possibly can to save him.
I’m having Woody call Doctor Sholler tomorrow. Her name was thrown around quite a bit tonight when I put out a desperate post on the Neuroblastoma website. She is supposed to be one of the doctors that thinks outside the box. Woody seems to think that nothing can be done, but I refuse to believe that. Somebody out there has to be able to save my Ronan. I’m not accepting anything until I hear it from everyone I possibly can. I’m not giving up on him. I’ve got to get him more comfortable so I can buy myself some time. I cannot stand seeing him in pain.
He is awake, he is restless, so I am going to rub him and sing to him. G’nite Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars. I love you all so much.