Fuck You, Cancer and a Fuck it all day

Ronan. It’s not time yet, right? No. Not yet. I still had a couple of days left with you. I woke up today, not knowing what day it was. I grabbed my phone and thought to myself, please don’t let it be the 8th. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the 7th. The 7th I can deal with. The 8th I’m sad for. The 9th I’m scared for. It will be here before I know it. Everyone is scared. I got a text from Rita today telling me she was bloody scared for me. She said she is scared that I want to die the most yet. She said she is scared that I will forget our sacred ninja promise. I responded with the truth which is I want to die, every single day. But I won’t. I don’t care how painful this gets. I would not do something that would be so disrespectful to you. That’s really what it boils down to. Life is so precious. Dying by my own hands would be such a slap in the face to you. It’s the easy way out. It’s the selfish way out. I don’t take the easy way out with anything I do. And I’m not selfish. Except when I need to be ,which is only because I have to take care of myself sometimes. And sometimes taking care of myself makes me seem selfish. Fuck it. I don’t really care. Is that selfish? Probably. But I think I’ve earned that right. I won’t do that to you, Ronan. I won’t off myself like I often dream about. You know I think I failed you. I told Rita I will not fail you, again, by not saving myself. I will not let cancer destroy everything that you are trying to do in this very broken world. Cancer may have taken my soul, but it will not take my spirit. I won’t let it, Ro. I won’t let it for you.

Today, we slept in a bit around here. I fell asleep easily last night, without Ambien, but it was late when I did. I fell asleep and stayed asleep which rarely happens. I needed it. I woke up to your over-anxious brothers, so excited about the day. We showered and got ready and headed out. We spent the day exploring the town, eating the freshest seafood I’ve ever had in my life, playing on the cold beach, and I went for a run. I keep trying to remind myself that I do have a marathon coming up to run. Ummmm… just a little 26.2 miles to do. I have not run, in months. I did 6 miles tonight and it was so easy, it was stupid. Well, not stupid because it felt good. I think I could have kept going. I keep telling myself running is 90% mental, right? I may have just made that up in my head, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can run this marathon, without training for it because I am surviving you not being here, which is mentally hardest thing one can go through. I can do this marathon. All I’ll have to do, is think of you the entire way through and I will be fine. I think a lot of people are coming to San Diego, to cheer me on. The more the merrier. I will need all the screaming and FUCK YOU CANCER!!! that I can get.

Rita also texted me to say that a lot of people are wanting to do something for your death day. The 9th. She wanted to know if it was alright. I told her of course. People are wanting to let balloons go, which of course I am more than alright with. How about a black day with colorful balloons? Preferably purple balloons. I would like to fill the sky with them for you. I like that. I’m wearing black. Black is sad. Black is the color of grief. But black is also powerful, soulful and strong. For your death day, black fits. White made sense on the day we had your service. But not for the day that you died. There is nothing beautiful about the day you died. I’m going to wear black on this day, for the rest of my life. It is the only thing that feels right to me.

As for other things…. is it too much to say I think that everyone should just stop everything they are doing for the day? If I had my way, the entire world would go black. What did your Sparkly say to me a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh out loud? That maybe he should listen to me and just have a “Fuck it all day.” A day where you literally just do whatever you want and say fuck the rest of the “things” that you are supposed to be doing. Just for one day, blow it all off. Blow it all off because everyone deserves to have one day, where they are so grateful for all that they have, that nothing else matters. If I had you here, if I had you here and Liam and Quinn too, I would to this. I would listen to this and spend the day, totally lost in the world of the three of you. I would have kept you home from school. We would have went to do something extra special and fun. Rules and time-outs would not have existed. I would have told you 100 times how much I love you, how I was the luckiest mama in the world, how there is no place that was more important to me, than being with the 3 of you. It would have been the best day ever.

This is all I can do tonight, little one. Tomorrow is the 8th. I have to figure out how to wrap my head around what is to come. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Romama’s Busy Day

Ronan. I don’t have time to dig my hole this week, because due to a last minute invite…. I am so busy. And so tired. But in a very good way. I got an email from a lovie from T-Gen a few days ago. She wanted to tell me that Dr. Giselle Sholler was coming into town for a conference. She attached the info. I looked up the conference info and it said registration was closed. I emailed this lovie back and said, “Please, if there is anything you can do…. I’d love to attend this conference!” About an hour later I got an email back saying that I could indeed attend the conference and T-Gen would happily take care of my registration fees. So nice, Ro. I told your lovie, thank you so much! She replied back with, “Anything for Ro.” Thanks so much, T. You have no idea how much this means to me.

The conference is Monday-Wednesday and it’s all on Pediatric Cancer Genomics. Otherwise known as a foreign language to me, but I think I’m starting to understand parts of it. Just when you think you are starting to understand pieces of this childhood cancer thing….. you find out that you really have not a clue. I did not get home until 7 tonight and getting someone to help with your brothers was so last-minute as well. Thanks Sarah, so much. You saved me. I sat in a room full of so many amazing people. I felt honored to be among them. I saw your Dr. Eshun there. He is such a kind soul. He look surprised to see me. I gave him a smile and he tried to just shake my hand like he always does as he is so polite. I grabbed him for a big bear hug instead, like I always do. He asked how we were and wanted to know what I was doing at the conference. I just smiled and told him that if I was going to be an advocate for you, that I felt it was necessary to educate myself on what it is that I am advocating for; besides the obvious. I told him how I have been quietly watching Dr. Sholler from afar for a while and how I was interested in T-Gen as well. He said to me, “You probably know more about this stuff, then I do.” I just laughed and said I doubted it, but I was a fast learner. I told him I’d see him tomorrow. He smiled and said to have a good night.

Tomorrow the conference starts at 8 a.m. but I won’t get there until after I drop your brothers off at school. It goes on until 6:30 or so. It’s a long day but it’s a good long day to have. I love to learn and it comes easier to me when it is something I am very passionate about. You would be the passion behind this, of course baby doll. I was sitting in between 2 men all day. The one to the right kept falling asleep and snoring. I almost elbowed him and said, “Seriously dude?! My son died from cancer, can’t you at least act like your interested in being here?” I kept trying to read his name tag to see where he was from. It said his name and that he was from COG. I tried to give him the befit of the doubt, like maybe he had bad jet lag or was sick. If that were the case he should have just went back up to his hotel room because he slept though pretty much everything. The guy on the other side of the guy I was sitting next to looked nice. I caught a glimpse of his name tag. He was there for the Team Finn Foundation. I grabbed my phone and googled him right away. I don’t waste any time. I read about his son, Finn who died from Rhabdomyosarcoma. I grabbed Finn’s dad on the arm and held it there. I said, “I Googled you. I’m sorry about Finn.” His eyes started to tear up. “I lost my son, Ronan, almost 9 months ago to Neuroblastoma.” I don’t remember what we said next. I think Finn’s dad asked me, why I was here, besides Ronan. I said that was the only reason I needed to be here, was for Ronan. He is my teacher now and he knows I need to learn everything I can on this so we can hopefully help them if we believe in what it is they are doing. If I am going to support T-Gen, I need to do my homework. This is not a test I can flunk. This is not a test you can do over. I am here to learn what they are going to do with pediatric oncology that it will impact this disease in a big way. I am here to meet Dr. Sholler, so I can at least tell her thank you for being so kind to us as she was going to take Ronan on one of her trials in San Diego, but then your little liver starting failing baby…. and there was nothing else we could do. We were trying to get a plane to take us out there and everything. But you were dying even though we still had hope. So much hope. You organs, just started shutting down, one by one. I’ll never get the mental image of your skinny little body out of my head. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I think about so much, all the horrible treatments you were put through. So much chemo, pokies, oral meds, sedations, surgeries, radiation….. none of it worked because if it did, you would not be dead. Your daddy asked me the other day, what I thought would have happened, had we done nothing? I can’t answer that question yet. Did the chemo kill you faster than just letting you be???

I remembering after you died that I was in such shock. I was sitting with your Mr. Sparkly Eyes and I just said to him, “How did he die? I mean, what happened?” I don’t  medically understand how he could just die.” Sparkly sat and explained it to me in a way that I could understand. Basically all of your organs started failing, then stopped working. Your heart just stopped beating. I thought why couldn’t we just get him new organs and a new heart? Somebody had to have those just lying around, right? How could his heart just stopped beating? That’s impossible! He loves me too much! I still think this way. Sometimes my heart feels so full of love like it did tonight when I met Finn’s Dad, that I swear it doubles in size. I think your heart lives inside of me, Ronan. I think that’s why when I feel really strongly about something or someone, the love I have for them gets twice as big. That’s all because of you. Our love is so strong. It is so amazing. It is going to change the world. I may have broken my promise to you about saving you…. but I’m not breaking this one, Ro. Our LOVE WILL CHANGE THE WORLD. Just watch baby. Just watch.

I’m going now. My brain will not shut up on genocodes/genomics/phenotypes/functional genomes/translational genomics//////// intense stuff///////// worth the raging headache and red eyes. Ready for tomorrow. Not really. But I need to get some sleep for tomorrow. I’ve been sleeping in your bed. It makes me feel close to you.

I love you my spicy monkey boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. G’nite.

Pain is my Peace

Ro baby. Hi my spicy boy. It’s time for my love letter to you tonight. I’ve missed a couple of days of writing. I always hate when I don’t get to write to you. I’m learning that this writing thing is like a beautiful, tragic, love story. One that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop writing because I never want it to end. It’s my way of keeping you somewhat alive, I guess. It helps me, even though it may seem like nothing is helping. I think today is Monday….. I think. Crap. I’m wrong. It’s Tuesday. The days are still blurry and the things that go on in my days are all jumbled together. I remember yesterday…. somewhat. I didn’t wake up for boot camp. Sorry Tammy. My sleeping is still out of whack. I stopped taking my Ambien and started trying Ristoral. We shall see. The first night I took it, I still tossed and turned and had very vivid nightmares. So I went to basically not dreaming at all for the past few months to having such excruciating nightmares that I woke up 5 or 6 times during the night drenched in my sweat. I wandered around the house. Looked outside at the moon for a while. Sat in your room. I fell back asleep around 4 a.m. There was no way I could get my booty to boot camp. I dropped your brothers off at school after sleeping until 7, then I went hiking at 9 a.m. It was bloody hot. I was determined to sweat all of the demons out of my body from the night before. Sweat them out I did. It must have been about 104 by the time I got to the top. It felt good. I did the same thing today. Same time, same place, with nobody else in sight. I love how empty the mountain is. Once I get to the top, I sit there for about a half an hour and cook in the sun. I talk to you out loud a lot. I always cry. I tell you, hi. I tell you I miss you. I ask you where you are. I tell you I’m sorry. That I need your help to get me through this. I tell you I don’t know what to do without you and I always tell you I hope you are safe. It’s become therapeutic to me. As I was running down the mountain today…. full speed with Katy Perry blasting, it dawned on me. This exercising is the ONLY thing that gives me some sort of relief from all of this pain. It is during this time that I have to focus on not breaking my neck as I plow down the hill as fast as I can. I focus on my body and pushing myself so much that the physical pain hurts. I don’t stop no matter how tired or out of breath I get. I want to stop sometimes, but then I think of you. I like the physical pain as it gives my mind a break. It is my church, my meditation, and it is slowly becoming my peace.

Oh, Ro. You made me smile tonight. Just as I am writing to you, the thunder starts, the lighting, the buckets of rain. You know how I love the rain. I’ll never forget that one day with you. We had just moved into our beautiful house. It was your nap time and it was pouring rain. We made a bed on the floor in my room and sat and watched out the french doors in my bedroom as the rain flooded everything. We sat and watched and listened. We rolled around and laughed and I don’t think you ended up taking a nap. You little rule breaker, you. It was pure bliss. I remember that moment, and how happy I was. I felt like the luckiest mama in the world to be there with you, watching the rain. It was one of the sweetest, most simple moments of my life. I have Quinn here with me now. We made a bed on the floor in the same spot the two of us did. We are watching the rain, together. We are missing you, together.

Last night, we had Curriculum night at your brothers’ school. Holy anxiety attack. I about lost it. It was way too stuffy in the cafeteria, way too many people, and way too long to stand still. At one point I whispered to your daddy that I had to leave. He just grabbed me tight and told me it was o.k. That I could do this. I stuck it out. Melissa was there, close by. She knew I was about to flip out. She said she almost grabbed me and ripped me out of the cafeteria. I so wished she would have. But I survived. Don’t ask me how, but I did. We had to go to your brothers classrooms after the cafeteria. I went to Quinn’s, your Daddy went to Liam’s. I did o.k. there. I was strong and fought back the tears as a picture of you popped up on my phone, randomly. My mind started racing about how I would never be taking you to school again, how I would never get to meet your teachers, your new friends, etc….. I quickly wiped the tears away and tried to get back to focusing on the task I was there to do. I left the classroom quickly when the talking was over. I didn’t stay to sign up for things with the other mom’s. I couldn’t mentally do it. I went to find your Daddy but he was still in Liam’s classroom. Just as I was getting ready to sit down outside, Melissa came and found me. My sweet saving grace. She didn’t want me to sit alone, so she sat and waited with me for until your Daddy came out. Thank god. I had the chance to say hello to some moms that I really like though. That was nice. It is always nice to get a hug from some friendly faces. It’s funny though all of this, you really see who are genuinely, good-hearted people. I feel like I have a gift for this now. I had the chance to give somebody a big hug that I have wanted to do for a long time. One of my busy, little bees. It felt so nice to hug her and tell her thank you. I want to do that with everyone who helped and I am going to set something up, as soon as I get myself a little more organized and my head on straight. I am hoping that day will come sooner rather than later.

Today, I hiked again. Bloody hot but worth it. I don’t mind the heat the way I used to. As long as it involves an escape for me, I’m down with it. Bring it on, Mo Fo. I am getting my butt up for boot camp tomorrow though. I have my alarm set. I have to otherwise I know what happens if I don’t. I sit and obsess about it all day long. Add it to my list of things I’m fixated on now. Boot camp or Bust. Who’s going to start joining me???? Hello my friends…. I’ll take all the motivation I can get to get there. If I had you all, counting on me, I would be less likely to skip days. www.phxbootcamp.com. Get your butts there with me. Stop making excuses. I promise, it will change you life:)

So, Ro baby. I’m nervous to tell you this…. but I actually had an o.k. day. Just o.k. but it was a better day than I’ve had in a long time. I had lunch with one of my busy bees. It was lovely. We talked about The Brightest Star in the Sky event next year. I got to know her a bit and loved every second of it. Pure heart, smart, caring, and no hidden agendas and passionate about making a difference in this world. She had me at hello 🙂 I’m so thankful to have had so many people step up to the plate, to teach me that they care more about shopping, vacations, and wine drinking. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but adding a little something more to your life in such a meaningful way is good for everyone. It’s good for the soul. And a good soul can make all the difference in the world. After our lunch, your daddy picked me up so we could go to our therapist together. I was honestly dreading it. I feel so disconnected to everything now. Having to reconnect with your daddy, in front of a stranger, gave me a lot of anxiety. But once we got there, within 10 minutes, I knew this was going to be a good thing and something we desperately need. It was hard and we didn’t even get into the hard stuff yet. It was mostly an introduction and then she wanted a background on us and what we had just been through. There were a lot of tears, a lot of not being able to speak because having to re tell the story of you is so unbelievably painful. But we did it as best we could. And we did it together. I am proud of us. I liked this lady too. She knows stuff and I liked her honestly. We will go back together, I’m sure for a long time, as this is not something we can work through overnight. This is also something we cannot do without outside help. We both know this. Afterwords, we spent some time together and it ALMOST felt good to me. ALMOST. My pain is not capable of letting me feel good about anything now, but it is the closest I’ve come in a long time to feeling this way around your daddy. He is the most amazing man on the planet. I know this. As hard as all of this is, I think we will be o.k. I know there are no guarantees in life, but what we have is too amazing to throw away. He is my best friend, despite my brattiness that I often display to him. I don’t mean to, which is why I have to figure out how to deal with all of this pain, instead of taking it out on him. He is my easiest target and does not deserve any of it. You don’t get a better man/father than the Wooddawg.

Alright my little man. I’m tired. I’m going to try this Ristoral tonight We shall see. I love you to the moon and back, my blue eyed boy. I miss you so much and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my dear.

xoxo

                                                   I LOVE US….. FOREVER TOGETHER.

Hell on Earth

Ronan. 3:15, I’m up. Wide awake. It’s now 3:45. I tried to go back to sleep. Didn’t work. I’m asleep on Liam’s top bunk bed. I fell asleep with Quinn up here. He is so cuddly. I think Liam is asleep with your daddy in our room. They were watching a movie tonight in there. Today was an o.k. day. Just o.k. I missed you a lot. Too much to do much of anything. So I didn’t. At one point, I saw Liam sitting outside on our porch swing, all by himself. I went out there to sit with him. He was sad and tried to hide his face as I saw the tears starting up. I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was just sad because he misses you. I put my arm around him and started to cry. I told him I was sorry. I told him that we tried everything to save you, but you were too sick. I told him I miss you too. Every second of the day. We talked about how boring the world is without you. There was nothing I could do in that moment to make him feel better. It broke my heart. The only thing that would make us better is for you to come back here. But we all know that is not happening.

The weekends are hard without you. On Friday, your daddy asked if I was excited for the weekend. I just looked at him and said, “No.” Why would I be? Excitement is something that I no longer feel for life. Life just is. As of now, it is empty and I am just thankful to pass the time. We had Kenny, Stacy and their kiddos over tonight for dinner. Right before they got here, I had Liam go out and get the mail. A big packet from Camelback Pediatrics came. I knew what it was, as I had Dr. Campbell to send it to me. It was a copy of your chart from their office. When I was there with your brothers the other day, as the two of us sat and cried about you, I asked her what they would do with your chart now. She said it was right there, still in with your brothers. I asked her to send me a copy so I could always have it. Tonight, as I opened it up my hands were shaking and I took a deep breath and flipped through it. I thought to myself…. there must be something in there, from when you were younger….. a sign that you had cancer. Nothing. A cough here and there, some red, gooey eyes a couple of times, you were exposed to strep. Nothing major. No abdominal pain, no pain in your joints, no discomfort walking or anything like that. I just don’t understand any of this. There was a letter to Dr. Eshun from the Dr. that did your radiology before you passed away. It said things like, “The patient appears skinny and has not eaten in 3 days, he is in a severe amount of pain……” Reading that, it was almost like I wasn’t even reading about you. This couldn’t possibly be about my healthy, perfect, baby boy. But it was. I winced out in pain from reading all of this as the thought of you in pain, is too much for me to handle. I remember though. Those last days where I think I rubbed your little leg for almost a week straight. The last few days, everywhere was hurting. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I’m so sorry for everything we tried to do to save you and it just wasn’t enough. I miss you so.

I’ve moved back into our room… clock is slowing ticking away. 4:45. I took Liam and walked him to the top bunk of his bed. “Thanks mom, I love you.” Words that are so sweet but also rip my heart out. Words that I know I’ll never hear from you again. I still cannot sleep and your daddy is so annoyed at me. He doesn’t get the whole not being able to sleep thing as he has no problems with sleep, whatsoever. He is so peaceful that I may roll over and punch him. His peacefulness is annoying me tonight. I want to be peaceful. I want to sleep without this Ambien. I want you back, Ro. So badly. I wonder if the whole not sleeping thing is something that happens to every mom that loses a child. I wonder if the dad’s are able to sleep fine. That would be interesting to find out.

My girlfriends from back home are walking in The Relay for Life tonight. I think they have been walking all evening and they won’t stop until tomorrow morning. They are doing it in Ronan’s honor. I wish I were there. They had purple tutu’s made and shirts that said, “Maya’s Mafia.” So cute. I am so appreciative of all of the love and support from back home. From everywhere. Thank you so much to all of you who worked so hard to make the event such a success. I just can’t believe we are doing it in his memory now, not his honor. That was hard for me to see. I think I may be sick.

Ro baby. Hi. That was from last night. UGH. I tried to be productive today. I really did. I got up, went out, ran some errands, and came home and hid in bed all day long. I didn’t get up again until we got ready to go over to your cousins for dinner. I only feel worse for having stayed in bed all day. It never makes me feel better but the thought of being out in the world, being productive, being present, was too much for me to deal with today. Your daddy woke up saying he had a nightmare last night. My response was, “How could your nightmare be any worse than our reality?” I know the logical answer to that, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It won’t make this pain any less.

I don’t know how you go on, existing in this world after losing a child. I guess it happens, because obviously people do it. And some even do it really well. I am going to try my best to find this out because I could easily see how this pain could take over your life and drown one in a darkness. It could happen very easily. I could see how one could just walk away from the life they are supposed to go back to living. The life of carpools, laughter, happy moms everywhere, cooking dinners, play dates, sunny skies, vacations, family game nights, and friends. It is so hard to be surrounded by happiness, everywhere, when you are constantly in pain and agony. It makes me want to run away and move to a place like, Port Moresby, which is known as Hell on Earth. It is a place for poor and hungry people, who sell their souls to the devil, who have nothing to give in exchange. Fine. That may be a little dramatic…. but existing in a world after losing a child, feels like Hell on Earth. And I don’t have to go all the way to New Guinea to find it.

I’m trying a new sleep medicine tonight. Restoril. I think Ambien was a bit too much for me. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. We shall see about this new one. I hate being on all of this shit. It is so not me. One day, I hope to go back to the way I was before this nightmare. A clean life without prescription meds. They scare me and I could see how a person could become addicted to them. It’s a slippery slope, my friends.

Alright, Ro. I’m going to try to get some rest. I miss you so much, little man. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

I’m going to build a little igloo and live in it for the rest of my life.

Ronan. I didn’t make it to boot camp this morning. I didn’t sleep through my alarm or anything. I was already awake. I fell asleep last night around midnight, only to toss and turn. 3:00 a.m. and I was up and there was no putting me back to sleep. It was always the witching hour around here and you passed away around 3:15 a.m. While you were sick, I would wake up at that time, every night, like clockwork. It’s happening again. I softly snuck out of bed, as to not wake up your daddy, and went to your room to look for you. You were not there. I laid down in your bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried for you. I wrote to you. I paced around your room and then the house. I wanted so badly to find you on the couch that one night that I slept in your room with you, and you woke up with one of your bloody noses. I remember waking up in your bed, only to find you weren’t there. I heard noises coming from the living room and I rushed out of your bedroom to find you on the couch. Crying. Holding your nose to get the blood to stop. You were so mad, sad, scared. I picked you up, and fixed you. I held you close and kissed the top of your little bald head and told you everything was going to be alright. I got your bloody nose to stop and tucked you safely back into bed with me. I wanted that moment back so badly last night. But I didn’t get it. Instead, I stayed up until 5:00 a.m., popped another Ambien and then thought about driving to boot camp anyway because I was up. I then remembered the Ambien I had just taken and the image of me driving to boot camp and crashing my car made me re think that idea. I fell asleep until 9 a.m. instead. I woke up to a quiet house as your brothers were still asleep. They soon woke up and I got them ready to start our day.

We ran some errands, went to get shaved ice, saw my favorite Halle at our dry cleaners. I haven’t seen her in forever. She gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. I told her o.k. She then took me back to show me your picture on her computer. She has it taped to laptop. She told me she kisses her finger every morning and every night and touches your face. I lost it right then and there. She is such a sweet soul and I know she thinks about you all the time. We all do, Ro. After the dry cleaners, we ran some other errands. Your brothers were such good helpers. Until they started wrestling in the store. I looked over and Liam had Quinn in a headlock. Such boys. I miss how you used to always be in the middle of that. After I threatened to take away all of their electronic devices, they stopped. We hurried home after that and we spent the rest of the day swimming outside in the blazing heat. Bloody hell it is hot here. August is miserable. I did my best to keep your brothers entertained and Heidi dropped Luke off to swim and play. We went and had dinner at Chelsea’s tonight. Your favorite place. Luke, Quinn, and Liam discovered that if they put real sugar in a glass bottle of coke, that it would foam up like a volcano and basically explode. It made me laugh and I was only sorry that you weren’t here to see it. It would have been something you would have loved.

Tonight, Luke asked to see you ashes. Quinn was with him in my room and I hesitated for a moment but then I took your urn off of our dresser. I opened it up, concentrating on keeping my hand from shaking and took out the bag that is full of what your body was. It looks like sand. I let Quinn and Luke look at it and I just started to cry. Luke just looked at me and told me it was o.k. I stopped as I know that I am the adult in the situation and I didn’t want an 11-year-old boy to take care of me as I almost passed out on the spot. I hugged Luke instead and told him I loved him. I hugged Quinn too and said the same thing. I put you back in your urn and told the boys to go and play so I could shower. They listened and scurried out of my room.

The rest of the night we hung out at home. We watched the baseball game and your daddy watched me. All your daddy wants to do is talk to me, take care of me, and love me. My wall is up and all I want to do is to be left alone. I told him this. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I feel extreme guilt about the way I am so closed off, to everyone. Everyone except you. You are the only one I want to talk to, scream to, cry to. I know I can’t stay like this forever. I hope I don’t stay like this forever. But everyone expects so much. It’s only been a couple of months….almost 3. The wounds are still so fresh. The wounds are still so deep. The wounds have not healed at all. The time of having you gone is not helping. It’s only hurting me more. I’m going to start a list of all the worst sayings in the world. First on that list is going to be, “Time heals all wounds.” or maybe, “Everything happens for a reason.” Ohhhhh….. I have an even better one…. “Happiness is a choice.” Fuck that. Try saying that to someone that has just taken care of their baby and then watched them die. I’m going to make up some new sayings like my favorite, “Fuck Cancer.” or “If time heals all wounds then you are full of shit.” Or how about “If everything happens for a reason, I really hope your child doesn’t die of cancer.” Seriously, if I ever meet the people who are the one’s who thought of these sayings, I hope they run the other way because I will punch them in the face. Ignorance is bliss, you morons.

I’m getting sassy tonight, Ro. Your daddy told me he misses me. He misses my laugh, my smile, my smart ass mouth. He misses his best friend; that would be me. You know what I told him? I told him I missed you. I told him I want you back. I told him to bring you back. He said if he could he would. He would trade places with you in a second. We all would do that if it meant having you back here. I would give up this life and trade it with you without even blinking an eye. I want to miss your daddy too. But right now, all I feel is the pain of you being gone which in turn leaves me numb and lifeless. I am a walking zombie. If we were living in Zombieland, I would have been put our of my misery by now. Too bad that place doesn’t really exist, I’d be well on my way.

Tomorrow night, Sauce is doing an event for you at their Waterfront Location. Stacy just texted me to see if I am up for going. I told her to ask me tomorrow. I am so thankful that this event is being put on, but I also know how vulnerable I am now. I’m not doing well anywhere. I really want to come out of it though and at least say thank you to everyone who has worked and supported your foundation. I want to be able to give out some good hugs to some special people who have worked behind the scenes on things for you. I want to go and honor you. I just hope I can hold it all together. I hope I don’t wind up in a ball on the floor while your daddy has to carry me out of there. I have to go and put on my prettiest, saddest, bravest, face that I know how to do so well now. Our community is so amazing and they deserve to be able to look into our eyes and know how thankful we are. So Ro baby, is it a date?? I’ll take your Captain Rex with me if you’ll come too. You can even wear your pajamas if you want, I won’t tell:)

I love you baby. I love you to the moon and back. I’m having Ambien issues. My one dose does not seem to be cutting it. Just popped another. I have to get to The Good Doctor this week as I am all out. EMERGENCY!!!!! G’night little man. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.

xoxo

The Twilight Zone

Ronan. Can you give me a reason to get out of bed today? Because I cannot find one. I’m still waiting for you to come and wake me up and tell me to make your extra cheesy eggies. I’m still waiting for you to ask me to put on “Mickey Mouse,” for you and sit on the couch and watch it with you. I’m still waiting and until you come back, I don’t know how I am going to function. The truth is, I don’t want to function and I don’t want life to go on. Life for me has completely stopped and that is apparent in the way that each day and night without you drags on and on and on. I’m trying to be productive. I really am, but it’s torture. Last night, I tried my best to be a really good mom to your brothers. They are so sad that the amount of energy I have to pour into being around them and making them happy is exhausting. I will forever be working extra hard to fill your void. That is a lot of work for a mommy. I never realized how much of a helper you were to me with your brothers. You filled them with all the happiness in the world and now that you are gone, I have to try to fill your shoes. It is not an easy job. They had Luca stay the night and Tricia and Macy came over. We piled in the car and took the 3 boys for Fo Yo. The boys giggled the entire way there. You would have loved it. All 3 of them sat in the very back, Macy sat in the seat in front of them and Tricia sat by me in the passenger side of the car. Your seat was empty. I saved it for you. Macy, Tricia and I wore our Spirit Hoods out last night just for you. It was silly fun and I needed the laughs. I can always count on those when your Auntie Macy is around.

I sat outside with those two girls and we cuddled on the couch and talked about you. I showed them the video of you on my phone from San Francisco when you were at the airport and you were yelling “Bye Macy!” to her. She hadn’t seen it yet. We cried. I showed them the last picture I took of us on Mother’s Day. You didn’t even look like yourself baby. Your daddy asked me to delete it but I’m not going to. I’ll keep it forever even though that s not the way I want to remember you. I know it won’t be, but I still need to keep that picture.

Ro~ I have no idea when I started that post above. All I know is it’s now a Saturday night. And the only way I know that is because tomorrow is the day that I am hoping really will not come. Tomorrow, is the day that I think your obituary comes out in the paper and I think it’s the day we have your services. I don’t know how I am going to survive tomorrow. I’ve already asked Fernanda to find my twin in life, so I don’t have to go. She told me that you would not like that; that you would know it wasn’t me there. I disagree. I think you would like it because you always liked how we used to break the rules together. It was one of our favorite things in the world.

I still cannot believe you are gone. I wonder if I will ever believe it.  This has got to be an episode of “The Twilight Zone.” Everything that goes on in our new world without you doesn’t make any sense at all. I’ am so mad. The one thing about all of this that nobody tells you about losing a child is how slowly time passes afterwords. I swear I don’t know how I’m going to get through life if it continues to be this way. It is so slow that it is painful. I hid in my bed almost the entire day today. I know it’s not how you would want me to be, but I cannot help it. I care about nothing. This is such an awful thing to say, but I don’t even want to be a mom anymore.  And that is my most favorite thing in the world. Everything takes so much energy now. Trying to fill the void that you have left behind is impossible but I have to continue to try to fill it for your brothers sake. Especially Quinn’s. He is wandering around like a lost little puppy. It makes me so sad, and I am trying my hardest to shower him with anything I have left; but it is not much and I know he feels it. He is stuck to me like glue. You would think this would satisfy me and fill me up, to feel all of the love he has for me. It doesn’t. I feel like I am in the bottom of a hole in the ground, looking up at the bright sky and trying to climb my way up and out of the hole. I feel like I’m going to suffocate 24 hours a day. I feel like this is never going to get any better.

All I want to do is sleep because at least in my sleep I get to see you. Even though the dreams I have of you are not happy dreams yet. I mostly dream about you dying. I wonder if this is part of the process. There has to be some psychology behind this. I hope to someday have sweet dreams about you. I miss you, Ro. I miss you every second of everyday. I would give anything to kiss your little lips again. To hold your little hand and look into your big blue eyes.

Your daddy asks me all the time if I need anything. You know what my response is? “Ronan.” I can’t help it. Your name just slips out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. I know he wants you just as badly. He hurts too. But even he admitted to me today that he knows that he doesn’t hurt as much as I do. He gets the whole mother and son thing. He is such an amazing man, that daddy of yours. I am trying to be strong for him and he keeps telling me what a great job I am doing, but I know I am not. But he tells me this anyway. He tells me this as he lets me sleep the day away and takes care of the house, the errands, the chores, your brothers, and his work. I am pretty much useless right now. I hope someday I can make this up to him. I hope someday I can go back to being a productive person of society. I’m not even existing. I’m barley breathing.

I don’t want tomorrow to come. I’m expecting it to be like an out-of-body experience. I told Tricia tonight just to physically get me to your service tomorrow is going to be an ordeal. I have a vision of running away and never coming back. I couldn’t do that to you though. I have to keep my head on somewhat straight for your brothers too. I refuse to fuck up their lives. I have to keep reminding myself that there are other people involved in all of this. I have to keep reminding myself not to be selfish but that is all I really want. Is to be selfish about losing you and to pretend like I am the only one hurting. I know that’s not the case. The sadness that exudes from the others around me is very apparent. It is so very hard for me to see as I only want to make everyone feel better and comfort those around me.

Tonight, my besties from high school all came in. I had them over to our house. Everyone was so sad and I was having such a hard time as I don’t know what else to do with everyone else’s sadness. So what did I do, you may ask? I know you saw me and watched us. I insisted that your daddy hook up Rock Band so we could play it. Otherwise, I’m sure we all would have wound up in my bed crying like babies and that was something I could not handle. Rock Band was a great distraction and I even broke out all of our wigs that we used to wear for it. There were some laughs and your crazy Aunt Macy is an amazing singer! She stole the show. Quinn played the guitar and kept getting amazing scores of 97%. He was so cute. Liam attempted the drums, but was soon not so into it so he ran off to play something else. All of the girls left to go back to their hotel and I will see them tomorrow. I’m so happy they are here, but so sad it is for this reason.

As we speak, Macy, Tricia, your Daddy, Uncle Jay, and Kenny are out in the livingroom playing Rock Band, again. I am snuggled in bed with Quinn and Liam is sleeping with Papa Jim. Nana is in your room, (a.k.a. the hot lava room). I’m tired tonight but restless as well. I wonder what you are doing wherever you are. I sit and think crazy things about how you watch me and are just trying to get back to me. Is it torture up there for you too because all you want is to be back with me?? This all seems like a fucking lose lose situation to me. How could you be happy like I want you to be when we are apart?? Nobody knows the answers so I have no choice but to try to figure them out myself. I’m just going to let you be my little guide. I promised you I’d never let go of your hand and you know I don’t break my promises.

I’m getting sleepy now. If you visit me tonight, in my dreams….. please no more scary ones like I’ve been having. Let’s take a trip to the beach together or something else. I don’t want to see you dead in a stroller in my bathroom. But you know what, if that’s the only way I get to see you, I’ll take it. It’s better than not seeing you at all. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back forever and ever. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

Please don’t leave me

Please tell me today didn’t happen. Please tell me I didn’t have a conversation with my husband about what we are going to do for Ronan’s services. Please tell me I then didn’t go to Hava Java and sit with Fernanda, Stacy, Marisa, Danielle, Tricia, and Macy about planning everything. This all happened so fast. Too fast. All I want is more time with him. I am so scared now. I’m left with nothing except for waiting for my baby to go. He spent all of today in my bed, sleeping, and crying out in pain. Morphine, Morphine, and more Morphine. I couldn’t get him out of my bed so I sat with him, rubbed him, and tried to comfort him. Nothing was working and I couldn’t talk him into going outside, playing with his brothers or anything. I texted Dr. Maze and asked him if it was the Morphine that was making him so tired or was it because he is getting close to dying? I almost threw up writing out those words. He responded back it was the Morphine. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise as I know he does not want to say those words to me. I decided that I was not comfortable with Ronan being home, as his pain is not getting better. We have taken him down to the Ryan House where they can hook him up with a drip of some stronger pain medication. I’m not sure how long we will stay here, but it is such a gorgeous place, for being in the worst situation. Woody and Tricia dropped us off. I spent the evening trying to get Ro comfortable. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I have been rubbing his leg for an hour, listening to his shallow breaths, watching him twitch and whimper in his sleep. I’ve been talking to him all night, telling him I’m not going anywhere and neither is he. He is hurting so badly and all I can do is hold his hand and rub his little body. Aubrey came by tonight to sit with me and love on Ronan. He knows there is not much time left even though he refuses to tell me. I can read that man like a book and he doesn’t even have to say a word. His eyes say it all.

I’m trying to be strong for the sake of Ro. I’ve done an o.k. job but tonight, I lost it in front of him. I was whispering to him about how he cannot leave me, how he promised. How we had to fight and still be strong so we could always be together. The tears were pouring down my cheeks. He looked up and goes, “Please don’t cry. You’re making me sad.” Ugh. Wise little man. I stopped, until he then told me the the medicine he is taking is making him so sleepy that he can’t even play and that is making him sad. Unreal. All of this. I am so desperate at this point… there has to be someone out there who can help my baby. This cannot be the end. I cannot let go so soon. I need more time with him, so a cure can be found and he can be healed. I cannot lose my baby. Please God. Let him stay here with me; he is so happy with us. Our lives will be so empty without him.

I cannot get Ronan comfortable. He has tossed and turned all night, asking to go home. We had Mimi and Papa wake the twins up around 10 and bring them down here to stay with us as Ronan was begging for them. Quinn is sleeping with Ronan and myself. Liam is in the room right next door with Woody. We are keeping the twins home from school tomorrow. They need all the time with Ronan they can get. We have still not had the talk with them. I keep finding a reason not to do it. Once it is done, that means this is real and I am not ready to accept that yet. I’m not sleeping. How could I possibly sleep at a time like this? I have to watch Ronan at all times to make sure he is still here, he is still mine. His breaths seem labored and forced. His tummy is hurting and he seems confused. He told me tonight that he wants to go home, but doesn’t want to have to get back on the airplane to do so. He also told me I wasn’t saving him. If he only knew how I am trying everything I possibly can to save him.

I’m having Woody call Doctor Sholler tomorrow. Her name was thrown around quite a bit tonight when I put out a desperate post on the Neuroblastoma website. She is supposed to be one of the doctors that thinks outside the box. Woody seems to think that nothing can be done, but I refuse to believe that. Somebody out there has to be able to save my Ronan. I’m not accepting anything until I hear it from everyone I possibly can. I’m not giving up on him. I’ve got to get him more comfortable so I can buy myself some time. I cannot stand seeing him in pain.

He is awake, he is restless, so I am going to rub him and sing to him. G’nite Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars. I love you all so much.

xoxo

In a New York minute

As Ronan slept last night, I found myself cuddled up on the single little bed that we have in the room with Woody. It is so tiny but I fit absolutely perfect in it snuggled up to Wood. At one point, he was rubbing my back while I was sitting up, looking at the floor. It was dark in our room and I just started to cry. He continued to rub my back and said something that I will never forget. He told me how sad he is that this is my life, that he only wanted to give me the best life ever. I wish I could say I came up with some uplifting words to say back to him, but I only nodded my head and continued to cry. We ended up whispering to each other about some things back and forth. I cuddled up on the little single bed with him for a while. He made me laugh by reminding me how when we were so young…and on our 30 day trip to Europe,while in London,the hotel we were staying at only had 2 twin beds. I had insisted on not sleeping in my own twin bed, but in his twin bed with him. It was cramped to say the least but all I wanted was to be as close to him as possible 24 hours a day. He said this was just like London and we both had a good laugh. Hardly London, but for a second I pretended like it was. Just the two of us, no worries, no cancer, no tears. Just us, blissfully happy, with not a care in the world. Seems like a lifetime ago. It’s nice to know after all of this, we can still go back there, even if it is only for a few minutes as our baby boys sleeps peacefully beside us in his hospital bed.

This morning I got a wonderful visit from a wonderful boy. Yes, I say boy, because he is only 26 and 26 feels so young to me, even though I am not too much older. I have talked about Ronan’s last roommate at Sloan on my blog before, Phoebe. The beautiful Phoebe, with the sparkling fighting spirit just like Ronan, and the bravest soul. During our stay at Sloan, while sharing a room with Phoebe, we became friendly with her cousin, Jonathan. He spent a lot of time with Phoebe having intense talks with her and teaching her all about life. Tricia, Macy and I all fell in love with the two of them. We have kept in touch and Jonathan stopped by this morning on his way to take the train to spend the week visiting Phoebe and her family at their home. It was so nice to see him and introduce Woody to him. He spent about an hour with us, and I got to hear all about the trip he just took to India,  before Ronan gave him the boot:) We had a good chuckle about that and Jonathon made Ronan laugh by telling him not to worry about it, that he was used to getting kicked out by ex-girlfriends, parents, etc;) He had Ronan is stitches even with how terrible he is feeling. It warmed my heart to see him and I sent him on his way telling him to give our love to Phoebe (who is doing wonderfully) and her mom, Ellen. I hope to see him again soon as he is now a friend for life. Tricia and Macy were both very sad that they were not here to see him too. That just means both of those girls have to come back here so we can orchestrate a reunion with Jonathan. Before we all do the NYC Marathon together once Ronan is well.

Woody went off and worked for most of the day. I sat and cuddled with Ronan and played Star Wars with him in his bed. We sang a lot of songs and I got him to get up a little bit so we could look out the window and shoot the snipers on the roof of the NYC buildings. He is still hurting and now is saying that everywhere hurts. I am doing my best not to panic and hoping it is just he hospital blues. We had a visit from the floor doctor today and his team as they were doing their rounds. It’s the first doctor here the I have met that I immediately didn’t like. He was condescending to say the least. As soon as he left, I gave Woody “the look” and he started cracking up laughing saying he knew I was going to bitch about him. I think my exact words were, ” I want to punch that guy in the face.” Woody agreed. The guy was a douche and I did not appreciate the way he was talking to Ronan, Woody or myself. He used some really stupid analogy on Woody when Woody asked if we could be discharged today. We both knew that the answer was going to be no, due to the pain control, but the way the doctor went about telling us no, was not necessary. We are not idiots and he could have said it a little more nicely instead of treating us like we were morons who came so far away from home. All the way from the Wild Wild West of Phoenix, AZ, where apparently, we have not evolved. I did also did not appreciate the way he made us feel like radiation and chemo was not going to do the trick for Ronan’s pain. We were told not to expect the pain to ease up until the end of the week. It is only Monday, you dick. Give some very scared parent’s a little ray of hope instead of going straight into what our options are if this doesn’t work. I don’t want any other options now, because this is going to work. I hope I never have to see that doctor again because I may just give him a swift kick in the balls.

Dr. Modak came by just as I was freaking out in my head over Ronan’s pain. He asked how he was doing, I said not well, and I told him we were very worried. He reassured me that everything was going to be o.k. and that the radiation was going to take some more time to kick in. I straight asked him if he feels like we can still get this under control. He told me without a doubt. Dr. Modak would not lie to us; my faith is in him completely. He said the combo of the chemo and radiation will work. We will take care of this little bump in the road and get Ronan back on track. I have no doubt about this.

After Woody returned to Sloan after a long day/evening working, I ran out to go back to the RMH to shower and gather up some new clothes. I was tempted to go on a run, but it was already 9:00 p.m. here and I wasn’t feeling up to being dangerous tonight. I had Marisa’s little voice in the back of my head chirping away about running in Central Park at night. I was way too tired anyway. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll sneak in a some time and get a run in. Lord knows I really need it even though my energy level is shot due to hospital life. It really takes a toll on me emotionally and physically, no matter how fun we try to make it.

Back at Sloan now and all is peaceful. Ronan is sleeping, Woody is on his computer, and our adorable roommates are listening to some show on their computer and laughing. The girl we are sharing a room with is a senior in high school and she has a girlfriend spending the night with her tonight. Her sister has been here every other night. They are adorable Jewish girls and I have a had a blast watching them celebrate Shaushan Purim all last week and it ended last night. They have been dressing up in costumes, laughing and talking all about their religion, beliefs, high school, etc…. It has been very sweet and uplifting. Never mind that one of the girls is very sick with cancer. Has not dampened their spirits at all. It is roommate heaven, as far as having to share a room goes.

It’s officially very late here… and I am a sleepy girl. Please continue to send Ro your strength and love…. please let his pain subside. And New York Miss Macy…. no more tears tonight my love. He is going to be fine. I love you.

G’nite all you beautiful people. Sweet dreams to  you all.

xoxo

I’m sorry my baby boy

 

Not a lot to report today. The day was spent with Ronan waking up bright and early in pain; therefore, he was pissed at the world. We spent the majority of the day playing in his bed and testing out what the correct dosage of morphine for him is as they decreased it last night due to his little falling asleep quickly incident. We did his second day of chemo, and third day of radiation and are still inpatient at Sloan. They are thinking we will be able to be discharged tomorrow and just do the rest of his chemo outpatient. I’m not sure how they will have us handle his pain issue though, as he is getting morphine through one of his broviac lines. We’ll discuss that tomorrow with Dr. Modak. Radiation was a little trickier today because Ronan was in the middle of sleeping when they came to take us down to the second floor. He was mad that he was woken up and crying when it was time for his radiation to start. I got him to settle down and our new friend, Con, who has been doing Ronan’s radiation since day one, started the procedure. It only took a few minutes again and soon we were back up in our room. Ronan fell asleep on our wheelchair ride up to our room and I transferred him into his bed.

While he was sleeping, I snuck out to go back to the RMH to shower, change, clean up our room, and re pack our bags. I had the chance to talk to Tricia on my walk back to Sloan. That felt good. I told her the highlight of my day was getting to shave my legs. Ahhh…. the little things now. They sure do mean a lot. Ro hadn’t napped long while I was gone and fell back asleep right before I returned. He woke up a little while ago and was in a lot of pain again. I called the nurse in and asked her to see if we could get his dose of morphine back up to what it was yesterday which was .3. The on call doctor came in to find a very unhappy boy, so she said that was fine. He is back asleep again and I am hoping he continues to sleep painlessly though the night.

I am beyond tired and am glad that tomorrow is Monday. I love having Woody here with me, but I think he needs a distraction from all that is going on. I’m so used to this hospital life; he really isn’t. Tomorrow will be good for him as he has a lot of work to catch up on. I’m kicking him out of here so he can go back to RMH to work. I will tackle Ronan and all that we have going on. I know that if I really need Woody, that he is only a few minutes away.

I am missing my friends and family back home a lot, but the time here with just the three of us has been good. It has given me some time with Woody that I have needed. We do really well in this city together. It is a special place for us; it is where he brought me for my 30th birthday and we had the best time. Lots of good memories together in this city. I know we are going to make more though all of this… once we get Ronan back on track we will take full advantage of being here and enjoying it with Ronan. We just need to get this pain under control. It’s the worst seeing him this way as I’m sure I’ve told you all a thousand times before. Just like I’ve told Ronan a thousand times since his diagnoses, how sorry I am. I found myself saying this over and over today as he cried about his little arm. I’m so sorry, Ro baby. I wish this were me and not you. I wish I could feel the pain in my arm, and not you. I feel it in my heart, every second of the day though. I am never without your pain and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will hurt every second of the day with you until you are better.

That’s all for tonight my lovely friends. Thanks for checking in on us. Sweetest dreams.

xoxo

This is what I wish

 

I wish that I could sleep the entire night without waking up 50 times. I wish that my baby wouldn’t wake up as early in the morning because is little arm is hurting so badly. I wish this was me and not him. I wish that there was a known cure for this disease. I wish that I didn’t make my best friend cry yesterday because she was so worried about me. I wish I could take my twins, friends, and family all to New York. I wish Ronan did not have cancer.I wish my husband never doubted how much I love him. I wish Ronan’s cancer was going away. I wish no parent ever had to endure this kind of pain. I wish for my old life back. These are the things I wish for everyday of my life.

Yesterday, I took Ronan and Quinn to the clinic. We saw “A” and Ronan said his goodbyes. We had a picture day with all of his favorite people…. Sharon, Dr. Maze, and “A.” Turns out, we have to go back on Wednesday but we won’t get to see “A” or Sharon again, but we are hoping to see Kristen, Patty, Dr. Adams, and Elaine so we can tell them goodbye since we didn’t get to yesterday. I talked to “A” forever about Ronan’s arm pain. She told me she is almost positive that it is disease related. The only thing that is going to help is getting his next round of high dose chemo going on the 21st. I hate that there is nothing we can do until then. I can get him to take pain medicine if he is really hurting, but he hates taking it and puts up a good fight about it. The stubborn little guy would rather suffer. After the clinic, I dropped the boys’ off at the movies with Sarah so I could get some things done. Fernanda ended up picking me up for what I intended to be a productive work lunch… brought my laptop and all. Due to technically difficulties… The Vig’s internet wasn’t working so I am blaming that on our lunch gone array. We got nothing done except for a very long, deep, heart to heart talk filled with both laughs and tears. I don’t know how I am going to get through New York with her so far away. She gives me such strength.

The night around here was alright. I am having a hard time staying focused on what I need to do before we leave. Avoiding reality big time. I have no choice but to be productive today as Thursday is right around the corner. I finally talked to my long lost Charisma last night. We have not talked in a month but were finally able to last night. It was so good to hear her voice and listen to how she has been working away and testing for pilot season. Keeping my fingers crossed for my extra talented friend that something amazing comes her way.

I have been up on and off since 3….I was finally able to get Ronan back asleep a while ago and he is still sleeping away. I have been watching him on and off all night as he is fighting this pain so hard. It is gut wrenching to see him toss and turn and wince in pain as he tries to sleep. Poor angel baby. I feel so helpless and restless. It will be good to get to New York and get the ball rolling.

I hope you all have a beautiful day and are so very thankful for all that you have.

xoxo