Fuck You, Cancer and a Fuck it all day


Ronan. It’s not time yet, right? No. Not yet. I still had a couple of days left with you. I woke up today, not knowing what day it was. I grabbed my phone and thought to myself, please don’t let it be the 8th. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the 7th. The 7th I can deal with. The 8th I’m sad for. The 9th I’m scared for. It will be here before I know it. Everyone is scared. I got a text from Rita today telling me she was bloody scared for me. She said she is scared that I want to die the most yet. She said she is scared that I will forget our sacred ninja promise. I responded with the truth which is I want to die, every single day. But I won’t. I don’t care how painful this gets. I would not do something that would be so disrespectful to you. That’s really what it boils down to. Life is so precious. Dying by my own hands would be such a slap in the face to you. It’s the easy way out. It’s the selfish way out. I don’t take the easy way out with anything I do. And I’m not selfish. Except when I need to be ,which is only because I have to take care of myself sometimes. And sometimes taking care of myself makes me seem selfish. Fuck it. I don’t really care. Is that selfish? Probably. But I think I’ve earned that right. I won’t do that to you, Ronan. I won’t off myself like I often dream about. You know I think I failed you. I told Rita I will not fail you, again, by not saving myself. I will not let cancer destroy everything that you are trying to do in this very broken world. Cancer may have taken my soul, but it will not take my spirit. I won’t let it, Ro. I won’t let it for you.

Today, we slept in a bit around here. I fell asleep easily last night, without Ambien, but it was late when I did. I fell asleep and stayed asleep which rarely happens. I needed it. I woke up to your over-anxious brothers, so excited about the day. We showered and got ready and headed out. We spent the day exploring the town, eating the freshest seafood I’ve ever had in my life, playing on the cold beach, and I went for a run. I keep trying to remind myself that I do have a marathon coming up to run. Ummmm… just a little 26.2 miles to do. I have not run, in months. I did 6 miles tonight and it was so easy, it was stupid. Well, not stupid because it felt good. I think I could have kept going. I keep telling myself running is 90% mental, right? I may have just made that up in my head, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can run this marathon, without training for it because I am surviving you not being here, which is mentally hardest thing one can go through. I can do this marathon. All I’ll have to do, is think of you the entire way through and I will be fine. I think a lot of people are coming to San Diego, to cheer me on. The more the merrier. I will need all the screaming and FUCK YOU CANCER!!! that I can get.

Rita also texted me to say that a lot of people are wanting to do something for your death day. The 9th. She wanted to know if it was alright. I told her of course. People are wanting to let balloons go, which of course I am more than alright with. How about a black day with colorful balloons? Preferably purple balloons. I would like to fill the sky with them for you. I like that. I’m wearing black. Black is sad. Black is the color of grief. But black is also powerful, soulful and strong. For your death day, black fits. White made sense on the day we had your service. But not for the day that you died. There is nothing beautiful about the day you died. I’m going to wear black on this day, for the rest of my life. It is the only thing that feels right to me.

As for other things…. is it too much to say I think that everyone should just stop everything they are doing for the day? If I had my way, the entire world would go black. What did your Sparkly say to me a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh out loud? That maybe he should listen to me and just have a “Fuck it all day.” A day where you literally just do whatever you want and say fuck the rest of the “things” that you are supposed to be doing. Just for one day, blow it all off. Blow it all off because everyone deserves to have one day, where they are so grateful for all that they have, that nothing else matters. If I had you here, if I had you here and Liam and Quinn too, I would to this. I would listen to this and spend the day, totally lost in the world of the three of you. I would have kept you home from school. We would have went to do something extra special and fun. Rules and time-outs would not have existed. I would have told you 100 times how much I love you, how I was the luckiest mama in the world, how there is no place that was more important to me, than being with the 3 of you. It would have been the best day ever.

This is all I can do tonight, little one. Tomorrow is the 8th. I have to figure out how to wrap my head around what is to come. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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13 thoughts on “Fuck You, Cancer and a Fuck it all day

  1. Glenda

    Thinking of you RoMama! I hate that the 9th is such a f***d up day! I hate cancer ! FUCANCER!!! Sweet dreams mama. Hope you dream with your spicy monkey! Always Ro! Rockstar Ro!!! xo

  2. kate

    Maya, I am praying for u during this terrible time. It does not compare because it was not my son, but I too lost someone very close to me, suddenly, the world is darker place now, colors are not as bright, somedays only gray. However and I do not wish to anger u or make this terrible time harder. Its been about 2 years since my loss, I remember the putting so much empahasis on the first death anniversary. God how would I get through it, holy fuck what it does it mean that its been a whole year, my god, how can it be?? How willl i commemorate it, what does it mean for my realtionship with this person that it has been a whole year without them?? How can it be, how could I have existed a year without, this person, how can I go another year another month another day another minute without them. Here’s the truth maya and its a hard one to hear and realize. Putting all this emphasis and meaning on the death day, does not change anything. It really only hurts u. I am not saying that u shouldn’t commemorate it by doing something wonderful in memory of that person, release balloons, do some kicking of cancers ass, talk about ronan, talk to ronan, do whatever u need to. What I am saying is building it up in your head, as the symbol of ronan being gone, of his abscene of your hurt and pain, being afraid of it, is not helpful to u. The truth is maya the sun will rise on may 9th and set on may 9th and u will get through the day like u have been getting through everyday sice ronans passing. Yes its terrible milestone to reach, but the shitty fucked up reality is there will be many more may 9ths to get through in your life, yes I know its the first and odv the most painful, and of course it needs to be regonized and commemorated. However maya it seems for your posts that u have been torturing yourself for months over the approaching may 9th. Perhaps the best way to get through it is to look at it as a day, just 24 hours, that will come and go. Your connectedness to ronan and his life and his to yours is still so strong, and will always remain that way, no matter the date. I know your heartbroken I know your scared/terrified of what the significance of one year without your most beautiful boy means, but the truth is the hurt and the pain I am sure are just as strong everyday as they will be for u on the anniversary of that terrible day, but I also hope so too is the love and connection that you have to your beautiful son. Ronan is with u always in everything that u do, in all the beautiful moments that continue to make life somewhat worthwhile. This is the realtionshop u have with him now, this is how it has evolved. I will be praying for u and your family tom, I know u will get through it as all the days before and all the days ahead.

  3. Mckenna's Mommy

    My heart aches for you and for Ronan each time I read your blog. I MISS him with you. The world is fucked up and there is no good reason for our beautiful children to be taken away from us. I can feel the pain and the sorrow in your words, because I know all too well. Living this life without the love of your life is HELL. I feel the love you have for Ronan and it is so very powerful and beautiful. Hugs and love sent to your spicy monkey boy. ❤ ALWAYS Loved, FOREVER MISSed, NEVER Forgotten. (((Ronan)))

  4. Kris Pearson (@krispearson88)

    I have never been through anything like what you have. But even if I had, nothing I could say would lessen your pain. It is yours. And yours alone. No one has any right to tell you how you should deal with it. Only you know, and you will do what is right for you AND your family. Just know we all love you and your family and support you in every decision you make. Everything you do is right for YOU and YOURS!

  5. megancottrell

    Maya, I interviewed you sometime last year for the Tonic article and just today, I saw that Ronan had died. I’m sitting here with my baby in my lap, crying my eyes out for you and me and Ronan and everybody. Whenever I think of something happening to my son, I just feel like I would crumple up and die for the pain of it. Oh, how I want to hit anyone who tried to say anything to you to try to lessen what you’ve gone through or soften it. When my dad died when I was a kid, I hated when people said he was watching me from heaven or something dumb like that. Was that supposed to make me feel better? My heart aches for you. I’m holding my little guy tight and rocking him right now. I will do something beautiful tomorrow in memory of Ronan, and be thinking of you the whole day – strong, beautiful, suffering mama.

  6. Laura

    Just pure love to your entire family. I am so glad you are all together and out of town. Hope you have an adventure, that brings good memories. All our love.

  7. amourningmom

    I am thinking about you and Ronan – wishing that the world was a different place. I have many days since my sons have died that I do not want to live in this world without them. I am still here and will be because of my living children.

    Every anniversary I ask myself why is this day harder than the others? I miss them every single day. The only answer I have come up with is that some days, hours even minutes are just harder. Take care of yourself. Sending you peace, hugs and a gigantic FU Cancer.

  8. L

    So much love for you and your beautiful family. I have no words but know that I am eternally grateful for the gratitude you have instilled in me. Forever embedded in my heart are a pair of stunning blue eyes that have forever melted my soul into a woman who sees so much differently thru the words of a mama that is forever broken. So thank you Maya. Peace and love to you, Woody, Quinn, Liam and Ronan, ALWAYS RONAN. Thank you so very, very much.

  9. Melissa

    Love to you and your boys, Maya. I am so so sorry that you have had to survive a year without Ronan. That you are running a marathon without him cheering you on. That you are in Boston without him climbing on the rocks with you. Sorry for every little thing, every moment which is no longer capable of perfection for you and your family. Hugs.

  10. Jennifer benedict

    I have my black and purple on and I have shut the whole day off and am spending it snuggled up with my sick 12 year old and I am grateful for every moment I get to do that, thank you for all you do in honor of your son, you have no idea how it’s changed some of our lives and how differently we will live because of you and Ro, I wick be there for every donation, every event even if I have to make it happen from Michigan and I will be there for every request you make of us as I promised to fight for your rockstar and I will never go back on that because your beautiful spicy little boy has changed this world in a good way just in the short time he was here, he should still be here!! fuck you Cancer Ronan Sean Thompson will never be forgotten and we will fight you until we kill you for taking him and so many others! You asshole we are coming for You and Maya and her Mafia WILL beat you in the name of Ronan Sean Thompson

  11. Michelle H.

    Hi Maya~ just a quick note to let you know you’re on my mind and heart today…praying for strength for you to not only get through this day but to do so with flying colors, as I know you can with Ronan carrying you each step of the way. xo

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