Secret Bad-Ass 1 a.m. Cancer Fighters… (says Rita)

Ronan. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. How could I with all that is going on? I didn’t sleep last night and I spent all day today, running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. No time for sleep when too many things are happening. But for once, it’s all good things. As in things that I know you are behind as I am feeling you everywhere. This could only be you, working so hard to help me with everything I want to do in this childhood cancer world.

I took your brothers to Dr. Rachel yesterday. It was the first time Liam has seen her. It’s Quinn that I have been having go. I left Liam with Dr. Rachel for a half and hour session. As soon as she opened the door, I saw the look on her face and my heart dropped to the floor. She mouthed the words, “OhMYGod,” to me. I went in to sit with Liam and her to talk about what it is, that took place. She said that Liam has so many feelings about you, that he doesn’t know how to talk about or how to let out. She said he cried a lot and needed a lot of hugs. This as a mom, killed me. It made me feel like the biggest failure. Liam snuggled up to me and let me hold him while he just cried. I kissed his head and told him how proud I was of him for talking about everything. He then left the room so I  could talk to Dr. Rachel alone about what went on. She said she could not believe how fast he opened up to her and how he just let out all of his sadness. I told her how I can see him holding it in, but how I cannot get him to let it out with me. She talked about how he needs a safe place to come, to talk about things and how next time she would like a whole hour with him. I totally agreed. That lady, has a gift with your brothers. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen them both open up so quickly to a stranger. I am so glad we found her and she is a great fit for your brothers. I think this therapy is going to help them so much. I can’t have them keeping this all inside. They need to talk about everything with an outsider who can help them navigate this, in a way that your dad and I cannot.

It’s so late. I honestly have the best friends in the world who love you so much. Who gives up a Friday Night to sit at our kitchen table for 6 hours to work on foundation things with me because we have so much to do? My friends who love you so much. Melissa sat in your seat tonight, at the dinner table. I was so glad to have her there. You have only brought the most beautiful people to us, Ronan. I am amazed every single day at the people you are surrounding us with. It’s such a powerful thing to watch.

It was Ezra’s birthday today. Or now, yesterday I guess. I called his mom to make sure she was o.k. Of course she was not. I let her cry on the phone to me and I cried with her. I then pulled it together to tell her how amazing she is and how she needs to stop being so hard on herself. She sounds like someone else I know. Robyn, I love you with all of my heart. I PROMISE you, together, we will fix this disease for these kids and families. I swear to you with everything that I have left that childhood cancer is going to change. We are going to help to save so many lives with our hearts, dreams, and minds, with all of Ronan and Ezra, guiding us every step of the way. I’m sorry today was so hard. I wish I could have been with you. But I am so proud of you for still dancing at the end of the day, after all you dealt with today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and dream of your baby boy.

This is all I can write tonight. Poppy! (insert british accent here) is growing like crazy. I cannot believe I have a little one inside of me, growing away. I still don’t believe it’s real. Tonight, I don’t believe a lot of things are real as too much has happened. I woke up and pinched myself. And for the first time since losing you, it was because of all the good things that are happening. Not because of the bad.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. You are my best friend forever.

P.S. To my loveliest of loves tonight. Thank you for sitting with me for 6 freaking hours on a Friday Night. I am so thankful for you in the most beautiful ways. I could not dream up better friends.

xoxo

Leaving on a Jet Plane… without you.

Ronan. I’m leaving on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again… Kidding, kidding. I am leaving on a jet plane, and I do know when I’ll be back again. I’m going to your favorite place in the world, besides our house. I’m taking your brothers to Nana and Papa’s, for the trip we’ve been taking since they were 6 months old. I don’t know how I feel about it. I never know how I am going to do going to places anymore. All that matters is THEY are so excited. All that matters is how THEY feel. I can put myself on hold. I feel nothing except numb. Your daddy asked me this week if I was excited to go. I just looked at him with my, “Really?” look. He then said, “O.k. excited is not the right word.” I told him all that mattered is that Liam and Quinn were excited. I think I will be good once I get there. The Pacific Northwest is good for my soul. And I do miss my parents. It will be nice to spend some time with them. It’s good for all of our souls as it warms my heart to watch your brothers playing the way I used to play when I was little. Lots of simple things. Everything outdoors. Mud. Rain. Picking berries. Splashing in rivers. Forest nature walks. Clean air. It’s calm, peaceful and quiet. All things I miss so very much. I like sleeping in my old bedroom where I grew up and not much has changed. I will miss you my little snuggle bug so very much though. You loved to cuddle up with me and we would always sleep with the windows open and fall asleep listening to the frogs, grasshoppers while the cool, crisp air lulled us to sleep. It’s fucking bullshit that you are now sleeping forever. Please hold on while I go and throw up. There has been a lot of that going on again, lately.

What has gone on this week? A blur of things. I remember a lot of conversations. Your daddy told me something while I was sleeping last night about someone’s son dying of an overdose of pills. Some celeb’s son. I don’t remember who. But I do remember asking your daddy what kind of pills they took. I remember him being mad/annoyed at my question, but I fell back into a deep sleep. Without my Ambien. Good girl, me. It’s been a week of tears. Bits of insanity in a totally sane world as sometimes I feel as if I am so alone that I am truly insane while everyone else gets to live in a sane world with all of their kids, safe and sound. I miss that safe/sane/happy/no REAL problems exist because everything can be fixed when you don’t live in a dead kid or my kid has cancer, world.

The conversations float through my mind that happened the past couple of days. Words that are always filled with pain. I got told that I looked peaceful. I tried not to cry. I smiled instead. “Well, I don’t feel peaceful, except for in this moment because I am around you and you make me feel that way.” I soaked up the peacefulness like someone who has not seen sunshine in months. I got asked why I was wearing my glasses. “Because they hide my tears better. Because after crying all day long, my contacts can only take so much. I like the world better when I can hide my eyes.” I got told you were missed. I said I knew and it hurt my heart. It breaks my heart over and over again. Not just for me, but for the others around you who loved you so much. I’ve decided that there is no totally fixing my broken heart. The second pieces of it start to get put back together, it just falls to the floor again to be shattered over and over again. I have come to find out that I think it will always just be this way. I often wonder if one day, my heart will just stop beating from all of this pain.

 

This is all for tonight, little one. I have to get up super early for a 6:45 a.m. flight where your brothers and I will leave your Daddy behind. I hate this so much. I’m so sorry you cannot come with us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. xoxo

One of my favorite Washington pictures of you, you spicy little monkey. You were so mad at me for putting your brothers 4 wheeler in 1st gear, to go slower rather than 2nd gear, to go faster. You knew the difference at only 2 years old. Your little foot could hardly reach the gas as this was meant to be driven by 5 year olds, not a Baby Danger 2 year old. You drove this thing, all summer long. I miss you so much.

Fuck You, Cancer and a Fuck it all day

Ronan. It’s not time yet, right? No. Not yet. I still had a couple of days left with you. I woke up today, not knowing what day it was. I grabbed my phone and thought to myself, please don’t let it be the 8th. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the 7th. The 7th I can deal with. The 8th I’m sad for. The 9th I’m scared for. It will be here before I know it. Everyone is scared. I got a text from Rita today telling me she was bloody scared for me. She said she is scared that I want to die the most yet. She said she is scared that I will forget our sacred ninja promise. I responded with the truth which is I want to die, every single day. But I won’t. I don’t care how painful this gets. I would not do something that would be so disrespectful to you. That’s really what it boils down to. Life is so precious. Dying by my own hands would be such a slap in the face to you. It’s the easy way out. It’s the selfish way out. I don’t take the easy way out with anything I do. And I’m not selfish. Except when I need to be ,which is only because I have to take care of myself sometimes. And sometimes taking care of myself makes me seem selfish. Fuck it. I don’t really care. Is that selfish? Probably. But I think I’ve earned that right. I won’t do that to you, Ronan. I won’t off myself like I often dream about. You know I think I failed you. I told Rita I will not fail you, again, by not saving myself. I will not let cancer destroy everything that you are trying to do in this very broken world. Cancer may have taken my soul, but it will not take my spirit. I won’t let it, Ro. I won’t let it for you.

Today, we slept in a bit around here. I fell asleep easily last night, without Ambien, but it was late when I did. I fell asleep and stayed asleep which rarely happens. I needed it. I woke up to your over-anxious brothers, so excited about the day. We showered and got ready and headed out. We spent the day exploring the town, eating the freshest seafood I’ve ever had in my life, playing on the cold beach, and I went for a run. I keep trying to remind myself that I do have a marathon coming up to run. Ummmm… just a little 26.2 miles to do. I have not run, in months. I did 6 miles tonight and it was so easy, it was stupid. Well, not stupid because it felt good. I think I could have kept going. I keep telling myself running is 90% mental, right? I may have just made that up in my head, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can run this marathon, without training for it because I am surviving you not being here, which is mentally hardest thing one can go through. I can do this marathon. All I’ll have to do, is think of you the entire way through and I will be fine. I think a lot of people are coming to San Diego, to cheer me on. The more the merrier. I will need all the screaming and FUCK YOU CANCER!!! that I can get.

Rita also texted me to say that a lot of people are wanting to do something for your death day. The 9th. She wanted to know if it was alright. I told her of course. People are wanting to let balloons go, which of course I am more than alright with. How about a black day with colorful balloons? Preferably purple balloons. I would like to fill the sky with them for you. I like that. I’m wearing black. Black is sad. Black is the color of grief. But black is also powerful, soulful and strong. For your death day, black fits. White made sense on the day we had your service. But not for the day that you died. There is nothing beautiful about the day you died. I’m going to wear black on this day, for the rest of my life. It is the only thing that feels right to me.

As for other things…. is it too much to say I think that everyone should just stop everything they are doing for the day? If I had my way, the entire world would go black. What did your Sparkly say to me a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh out loud? That maybe he should listen to me and just have a “Fuck it all day.” A day where you literally just do whatever you want and say fuck the rest of the “things” that you are supposed to be doing. Just for one day, blow it all off. Blow it all off because everyone deserves to have one day, where they are so grateful for all that they have, that nothing else matters. If I had you here, if I had you here and Liam and Quinn too, I would to this. I would listen to this and spend the day, totally lost in the world of the three of you. I would have kept you home from school. We would have went to do something extra special and fun. Rules and time-outs would not have existed. I would have told you 100 times how much I love you, how I was the luckiest mama in the world, how there is no place that was more important to me, than being with the 3 of you. It would have been the best day ever.

This is all I can do tonight, little one. Tomorrow is the 8th. I have to figure out how to wrap my head around what is to come. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Rita… meet my friend, Mandy Bee. #awkward

 

Ronan. This is what my nights are like. Fall into a light sleep. Into a place where you are in between being awake and asleep, floating in and out of dreams/reality. But the entire time you are kind of sleeping, you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. Like something is really, really wrong. Just as I get to sleep, I am jolted up out of bed. I’m drenched in sweat. Something indeed is not right. But what? Then I remember that you are not here. I get up, slam another Ambien and eventually it knocks me out. When my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. I cannot get out of bed fast enough. You’d think it was if I thought I had you to wake up to. I don’t really ever think this. I think it’s mainly just adrenaline that fills my body and makes me so restless, that waking up to do things feels better than the quietness that fills the dark nights. Do you know what I do at night? I wander around the house and turn our dryer on about 2/3 different times. I don’t care if the clothes are dry. I’ll dry them again, anyway, just to hear the noise. This is not normal. I know this, but I don’t really care.

I busied myself today with just getting normal things done like a normal mom would do. I ran to Trader Joe’s. It still takes my breath away that I am the mom in the grocery store, without the kid in tow. I went into bereaved mission mama you still have 2 kids mode and threw some things in a cart anyway. I did alright. I made it out of the store without abandoning my cart. To me, that is a success. I hiked up the mountain today with Mandy Bee in tow. We were there for a couple of hours. We had a dance party at the top. She definitely has moves like Jagger. In a Canadian radness sort of way. The weather is getting hotter which means less people on the mountain. Your daddy asked if it was an Inferno yet. I told him it was close, but not quite. It has to be over 100 to truly be an inferno day. It’s getting closer. That was yesterday, this is today, Ro. Yesterday was all things madness. I ended the exhausting day, in the ER of PCH with Mandy Bee because her babe is sick. This is how last night went down. Could be the funniest mix up/awkward first meeting of friends for the first time. I had told Rita, earlier in the day, that Liam was not feeling well. I had picked him up from school and he had a little cough. No biggie but he looked beat. I also may have told her I was in my room with the door closed, crying my eyes out. Both things were true. The part that I left out was that Liam was asleep in his bed, therefore it was o.k. that I was having a moment. The the last thing she heard from me for a few hours until she texted me to check in, was that I was not o.k. I’m throwing this next part in and calling it texts from one bereaved mom to another clearly sane but insane mom. It went a little something like this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I was texting with Rita back and forth, it may have dawned on me for .2 seconds that, hey, this is a little strange… she wants to come down to PCH, to sit in ER, with me, Mandy whom she’s never met, and Mandy’s son. I then thought to myself, what a good friend she is… I may have also thought for .2 seconds that this was totally out of character for Rita to do, but because of my lack of sleep/grief brain/talking to Mandy, those thoughts quickly left my mind. I said to Mandy, “Hey Rita wants to come down here. It that o.k.?” She replied with, “Of course!” Rita ran down to PCH as fast as she could and came flying through the door. I had no idea that anything was off. I was just glad that both of my friends were meeting and Zane was out like a light and resting comfortably. After introductions were made, Rita said something about the going to the vending machine to get candy. “I’ll come with you,” I told her. As soon as we got to the vending machine, Rita looked at me and said, “Um.. I have a confession to make.” “What?!? I asked her all blood-shot eyes/confused. She looked at me with a look of amusement/what the fuck is wrong with you, crazy pants?!! “I totally thought you were here, with Liam. I had no idea it was Mandy and her son here. I thought I was coming to see you and Liam!” “What do you mean?” I squealed. “I sent you a picture of Zane and everything!” She looked at me like and said, “You sent me a picture some boy with brown hair and the back of his head! Awkward! I’ve never even met Mandy, yet here I am, in an ER room with her and her little boy. Not that I wouldn’t come down here for Mandy, but maybe lunch first would have been nice!” We both started dying laughing. “I have to tell Mandy this. She will die.”

We told her. She laughed but is so the kind of person that loves me so much, that she just rolls with whatever shit I throw her way. This includes, “Hey, meet my friend, that you’ve never met before, in the ER while your son is getting breathing treatments. It’s a party now!” It ended up being fine. And provided me with the laughter that I so needed for the day. Yesterday was a really hard day for some reason. I told Rita that I was so sorry. Mandy too for the totally awkward but not awkward mix up because both of them are so accepting of me and my crazy head. I came home hoping to drift to sleep. That did not happen. I sobbed in bed instead. Your daddy just told me he was sorry and how he’ll never understand this. He fell asleep. I did not. I wrestled with sleep for a couple of hours and woke up, ready for another day without you. Liam did not look well this morning. Quinn was so snuggly in his bed, that I did not want to wake him. I let them both sleep. I kept them both home. I was supposed to hike today with a group that all met up and hiked for you. It was put on by a girl named Rachel whom I met at your fashion show. She organized a whole hike for you and ended up raising 400 dollars in a really short amount of time. Can you believe that?! She had balloons, signs, a cute little table set up with your pictures everywhere. She hiked it barefoot, in a purple tutu and everything. I am amazed at all the good people in the world, Ro. Every time I hear of people like this, it is a little reminder to me, to continue on. Thanks to all the lovies who went out today. It meant a lot to me. I thought about you all, all day long.

I’ve had a really rough past 2 days, which I don’t want to say too much about, until I am 100% sure, but it turns out, people are not always who they say they are. In my naïve head, I want to believe that everyone is good and would not take advantage of others, but I am learning a very hard lesson that this is just not true. There are bad people out there. I often forget this but due to this lesson, I am learning that I need to have my guard up a little more often. I just cannot believe there are people out there who would take cancer and use it to their advantage. There are and it’s due to this that I’m going to have to start being a little more protective of our situation. Tonight, I do not have the energy to sit and fly off the handle about this. Maybe one day, but not tonight. I’m too mentally beat to have another thing to be upset about.

I hiked in the dark tonight. I ran down to PCH to check in on Mandy Bee. I was not prepared for how hard things were going to hit me tonight, until I left there. I am usually fine there. Not tonight. I left there, tears steaming down my face. I heard your voice. “I love you, Mama.” “You’re my best friend.” “Come on baby doll!” I had visions of chasing you down the hallway that we used to walk through. I could not get out of there, fast enough tonight. But you know what, Ro? Mandy Bee would walk through fire for me and I would do the same for her. In a heart beat.

I booked some flights today. It was a fuckwad of a mental block. I sat at our kitchen table for 2 hours, and with the help of Mandy Bee and Rita, I picked dates and booked 4 fucking airline tickets. Not 5, but 4. It was horrific. Your daddy said, “Can’t you wait until I get home, to do this?” I responded with an, “No, I cannot. I’ve tried to do this for weeks now. I have to get it done today or else I am going to slit my wrist. I have to just book these, and at least get our airline tickets taken care of. Airline tickets are done. That’s all I could do today in regards to May. It was enough today. It was almost too much but I cannot bear the thought of scrambling so last minute. A plan is good for all of us.

This is all for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll. G’nite little lovies. Thank you to all my badass hikers today. I loved hearing about how so many of you got so dirty and how much you thought of Ro, the entire time. Thank you, so much. Thank you, Rachel. For working so hard and throwing together, such an amazing event. And FUCK CANCER.

xoxo