Home just in time to leave again

tumblr_lor4k89QwF1qzrkvzo1_400Ronan. We are home now and it has been alright. I have been doing what I do best, which is kind of keeping to myself. Sometimes, I ignore the phone calls and texts… not because I feel like being mean or hurtful, but because sometimes I just need to be alone. I have been busy also trying to get us unpacked and everything situated for leaving your daddy and brothers for a few days. I’m leaving for San Francisco tomorrow to go to Teddy’s celebration of life. I know people are worried about me going to this. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes straight up told me he thought this was the worst idea ever and he did not think I should go. It’s not very often that I don’t listen to his advice… I’m going despite what he has said. I know Macy is worried, too. Fernanda sent me a text message saying she would be thinking about me and knows how difficult this is going to be. I just replied that it couldn’t be as difficult as sitting through your fucking fuckwad funeral/celebration of life/bullshit because you shouldn’t have died. I got through that fine mostly because I was in shock and medicated on god knows what. This time there will be no shock or medication. I will get through this with only the help of you and your little friend, Teddy boy. I don’t know why, but I almost feel like I have to do this because I have something to prove to myself. If this is the world I am going to live in, there will be no shortage of deaths and funerals. I have to be strong enough to go through every part of this, even the worst parts and Teddy was special to me. I’ll never forget the way he let me hold his little hand as we crossed the street on that very cold San Diego day. His little hands reminded me so much of yours and that little bald head of his made me melt. I also want to go for Teddy’s mom. I know a lot of what she is feeling now and I just want to go and wrap my arms around her. I want to show her that one can survive this and maybe give her the little bit of strength that I have. She sometimes picks my brain about all of this via text. I don’t sugar coat anything for her. That’s never been my thing. I wish I had more inspiring words to give her, but I don’t. And I am not about to pretend that this gets any easier because it fucking doesn’t. The least I can do is go and honor her little boy that I was so blessed to know for the short amount of time that I did. I will go and cry my tears for us all because it is a part of this process and this life I live now. I am not half assing any of this because it gets too sad or too scary. I choose to remain true to this entire process.

Today, I spent the entire day with your brothers. We went to breakfast and had a few appointments. We all 3 had dentist appointments. I have not been back to our dentist, the one who was the non smoker and just died from mother fucking lung cancer, since you were sick. I walked into that office and had so much anticipation. I always wonder who is going to ignore the fact that you died, or who is going to acknowledge it. Our dental hygienist, the one who used to always clean your teeth, was sitting at the front desk. As soon as we walked in, she gave us a big hello. The next thing out of her mouth was how sorry she was and she didn’t stop there… she said some other things, asked how we were doing, etc… I felt myself exhale. Thank god. There is nothing more that I hate in this life now, then the people who knew you, know our story, but choose not to fucking acknowledge it. I teared up a little, and told her thank you for asking about you and us. It truly does mean the world to me. I hate when I go out into this world, run into an old friend/acquaintance and they look at me with their fake plastic smiles and do the whole, “Hi!!! So good to see you! How are you?!?!” And then they go on like you did not even exist. I mostly want to punch these people, but instead I just give them my look of you have got to be kidding me, a fake smile back, and walk away. Is that rude? Probably. But at this point in my life, I don’t really care. I don’t have time to waste on people who are not in our lives for a reason.

We all sat and took turns having our teeth cleaned. You were talked about a lot. As I was sitting in the chair having my teeth cleaned, your brothers were sitting on the floor in front of me. Our hygienist girl goes, “They are so quiet and well-behaved. It sure is different without Ronan here, running up and down the halls.” It’s so different Ronan that at times it feels spooky. Like the life has been sucked out of the entire room. Of course I appreciated your brothers and how well-behaved they were being, but I so missed you being there with us, causing trouble. I know we all did. Everyone loved your little rebel ways, but nobody more than me.

There has been a lot of Poppy talk going on. We are going to get started on her room soon. Your daddy brought it up at lunch the other day. We have to start construction to add another room on to our house because I am not giving her your room. I just sat there, looking at him and started bawling. I wanted to cover my ears and hide under the table. I am so excited about your sister but some days, it just becomes too much. Your daddy quickly got up from across the booth and came over to sit with me and wrap his arms around me. He said something like he was sorry and how this never gets any easier. I let him hold me in the middle of the restaurant and could have cared less at the eyes watching the scene play out before them as the people continued to walk past us. I’m sure they thought things like, “Oh… a lovers quarrel.” Not, “Oh… they must be crying over their child who died of cancer.” Because things like that just don’t happen, right Ro? Kids get cancer and die?!?! That cannot be true. If it were, there is no way our government and society would let this happen and quietly sweep it under the rug like they seem to do. That dirty little secret of childhood cancer just does not exist. Fucking bollox.

Alright little man. I have to go and pack for tomorrow. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

 

Oh, Hey Cancer! Fuck you! Seems like an appropriate title tonight.

Ronan. Your daddy left for Vegas. This means I get to hold down the fort while he is away. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem in the pre Ronan is not dead days. Now, doing things like keeping your brothers entertained on their fall break, solo, is hard fucking work. Don’t get me wrong, they are easy boys. And if you were here, I have no doubt we would be off doing things like going to the Pumpkin Patch, shopping for Halloween costumes, and having lots of adventures. You know what is right around the corner. Your most favorite holiday. Halloween. It used to be my favorite holiday, too. Now it just makes me extremely sad. Last year, I dressed up like a dead zombie because that is how I felt. This year, I’m not feeling like doing anything except burying myself in a big hole in our backyard. I have not carved pumpkins with your brothers yet, or gotten their Halloween costumes. We have been talking about what they want to be. Of course I always wonder what you would have been. In my mind, you would have been a different Star Wars character every year for the rest of your life. I don’t think you would have grown out of your Star Wars phase just quite yet.

Today, Liam and Quinn’s fall break consisted of therapy. It was Liam’s day to be with Dr. Rachel. It’s been a while since he has seen her. I went in and talked to her before hand. I told her that I have been having to talk about your last days a lot, with everything that I have been doing. I told her I was worried because we had not really talked about it in depth with your brothers. We agreed that she would dig deep today, without pushing Liam too much. I waited in the waiting room with Quinn. My mind was racing and of course my heart was breaking thinking of the conversation that was taking place in the next room. What a great way to spend fall break, huh. Liam came out after an hour, his little eyes all red. I got up and left him out in the waiting room with Quinn while I went to talk to Dr. Rachel about how the session went. I listened to her tell me how Liam talked very openly about the sadness he feels over losing you. How during the time when you were dying he told himself to be a good brother, to be brave, to be strong, and how he wanted to be somewhere else. He told Dr. Rachel he told you the same things. He cried a lot when talking about all of those things. She told me he has a higher emotional intelligence than most kids his age. How well he was able to verbalize everything that he was feeling. I wiped away my tears while listening to this. I felt like punching the wall and screaming, “WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!! TO THE BEST BIG BROTHERS IN THE WORLD?!!!” I got up and told Dr. Rachel thank you. We decided that it was best for now to let Liam talk about these things in his safe space with Dr. Rachel. I asked Liam in the car if he wanted to talk about anything. He told me he did not, so I left it at that. I am just thankful that he is opening up to someone.

I picked up a friend of your brothers so we could have a play date. I took them over to The Village to play basketball, football and swim. I was sitting outside, under the shade of course with my dark sunglasses on because I have developed an allergy to the sun called, “I fucking hate you.” I was watching your brothers and their friend swim. I was trying not to get too sad that there were 3 boys in the pool and one of them wasn’t you. Just as I was sitting there, a little hummingbird came flying right up to my face. It stayed there for a few seconds. I smiled. I thought of you of course because little hummingbirds don’t happen often in my life, but when they do it is always when something really important or sad has happened and I need a little sign that you are around. 3 minutes later, my Twitter alert went off. Somebody had tweeted me that our friend, Super Ty had passed away. My stomach dropped to the floor. I sat there for a few minutes. I didn’t cry right away. I thought about the hummingbird and how that was your way of telling me you were going to take care of Ty now. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched your brothers laugh, splash and play. I sent your Sparkly a text about Ty because he knows how he was our roommate at Sloan. I told him that he had passed away and how cruel life was. I told him about the hummingbird too and how I knew it was a sign from you and how you would now watch over Ty forever. He told me that he knew that you would, too. My tears didn’t stop for a few minutes. I’m so sorry to Ty’s mama, daddy, little brother and to all who knew and loved him. I’m so sorry to Ty. Will this cruel world ever get better, Ronan? How many kids is it going to take, before people start paying attention to the point where everyone finally says, enough is enough? When is this sick cycle of kids dying over and over and over from cancer going to end? When are people going to stop looking away because it can’t happen to their child, right? I know I am making a lot of headway with everything we are doing, but some days I feel like how long is this going to fucking take? And what is it going to take for everyone to wake up and join in this fight with me? Am I going to have to organize a freaking protest or something? When will our government really step up to the plate and what can I do to make this happen? Somebody get me on the phone with Obama. Seriously. Too many parents are losing kids. Too many kids that are still here, will suffer for the rest of their lives. They deserve to stop being overlooked. They deserve better treatments and options. I don’t want another mom to have to sit down with their other children and let them look at the ashes of their dead brothers body. I am beyond heartbroken and if things continue to stay this way, I just don’t know what I will do. Really, how hard do I have to fight? I feel as though it is all I am doing, 24 hours a day. Will things ever get better? If my post seems hopeless tonight, it’s just because I am so very sad over Ty, Ronan. I hope you two are both playing together in your super hero capes. Take good care of him sweet boy. It shouldn’t be this way.

I’m going to end this here. Your brothers had a good day. I tried my best but as always I carry so much sadness around in everything I do. I miss you so much. G’nite Ro baby. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Hey Cancer. Fuck you.

All Good Things Happen, in New York

Ronan. The night before the Katie show, your daddy arrived. As soon as he arrived, we hopped on a train and made our way to the SoHo area. There is a record store there that he insists we hit up, every time we are in New York. I was tired, but I sucked it up  for him. We also met up with our friend, Ally M and a girlfriend of hers. We had some dinner and did a little record shopping. It was a nice way to end our New York trip and I know it made your daddy happy. We got back to our place, kind of late, packed and went to sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night. I was nervous for the next day. I woke up early, got ready, and tried my best to calm my nerves. A car picked us up and we headed over to the ABC studios. I had a long talk with you in the car ride over. It went a little something like this. “Ronan. I need you today. I cannot do this without you. Please, help me get through this. Make me calm and relaxed. I need to feel you, everywhere.”

Once we arrived, we were taken into our dressing room where we sat and waited. I had already done my make-up and blown out my hair, so I was good to go. I wore my special magical sparkly shoes that remind me so much of you, because of your love for your sparkly toe nails. Our Fairy RoMo showed up just in time, to take my mind off of everything that was about to happen. We sat and caught up. We had some laughs and she sat back and snapped some pictures. Katie’s lovely team came in and briefed us a bit. I just kept telling myself to breathe. We were soon taken downstairs to where the segment would shoot. Our Fairy RoMo went off to the green room, which was really green. Your daddy and I sat and watched Katie do her thing from the monitors. We hadn’t met her yet. She finished her segment and came bouncing off the stage over to us. “Hi, I’m Katie it’s so nice to meet you.” We chatted for a few minutes. I had a moment where I thought I might pee myself, but thankfully I did not. She ran off to change and we went to sit and wait for her. She came back to us once again and started briefing us on what she would be asking us. I was still a little nervous but I slowly felt things start to shift. We were taken out to her stage and sat down on the couch. I was closest to Katie, your daddy on the other side of me. I smiled at the audience. I felt a switch flip. It was as if all of a sudden, you were sitting right there next to me. My nerves were entirely gone. What in the world? This is not me. I have stage fright. I freak out over public speaking. I sat back, the cameras turned on and Katie started right up with our story. I started to tear up, almost instantly. They were showing pictures of you and playing some videos we had sent them. Katie handed me a Kleenex. I looked into the audience. Tears everywhere. Katie started talking. One of the first things she said, was Neuroblastoma was a brain tumor. “SHIT!” I thought to myself. “What do I do? Do I correct her on national television?” I had no choice. I had to. That is a big misconception with Neuroblastoma and rightfully so. The name makes it sounds like it has to do with the brain. I think I said something like, “Actually, it’s not a brain tumor…” Then I let your daddy explain it in a way that I hope everyone could understand. From that point on, the entire interview flew by. I felt so at ease and so proud to be up there, telling your story. Katie has a gift of just making you feel as if she has known you for years. She was very choked up, for most of the show as was everyone. Katie does what she does best, which is being a true journalist with this amazing heart of gold. After a very hard topic she had us all in giggles when she said, “I’d love to have you back on the show after you have the baby. Baby Katie.” The entire audience laughed out loud. It was a great way to end things. We walked off the stage. She came following a few minutes later. We talked and she kept thanking us over and over for sharing our story. I wanted to pick that tiny thing up and thank her from the bottom of my heart. She is a wonderful human being for caring about so many others than just herself.

We left there and grabbed lunch with Fairy RoMo. She was blown away. She watched the entire thing from the green room and kept saying how brilliant and lovely it was. I smiled as hearing that from her, means the world. We sat there, eating our lunch. I looked at Woody and I looked over at Fairy RoMo and said, “I have something else I want to ask you.” Your daddy and I have been talking about this for a while. I looked up. “We want to know if you will be the GodMom of this baby.” Tears sprang to her eyes, instantly. “Oh my god. Yes! Of course! I would be honored. I’ll be the best fucking god mother ever.” I wiped away my tears and your daddy and I chuckled at that. “I know that,” I said. “That’s why I asked you.” It was one of the most beautiful moments that will forever be frozen in my mind. She is your Fairy RoMo and loves you so much, Ronan, even without ever having met you. Imagine how she will be, with this little one. She is such a gift. You are such a gift. Thank you for bringing her into our life.

We got home last night. I am going to try not to be dramatic here, but I’m going to be dramatic here. Not once did I throw up in New York City. After we got home and I hugged and kissed your beautiful brothers a bunch of times, I started to get really nauseous. I ran into our bathroom and threw up everything I had eaten for dinner. I honestly think I had a physical reaction from being gone, coming home to our house, and not having you here. This house that I once loved so much, makes me sick. Your daddy told me to change my attitude. I didn’t argue. I shut my mouth instead. I wish it were something as simple, as changing my attitude. I wish that you in fact were still here, and I was coming home to you and your two brothers. Not your two brothers and you sitting on an urn on top of my dresser. Fucking cancer.

It’s today. I just had a 3 hour phone interview for something that is coming up. Something that I will talk about when the time is right. I was told after our interview that I was the bravest woman alive. I smiled with tears rolling down my cheeks and just said, “Ronan was brave.” I am throwing everything I have into everything I do, all for you. It will be this way for the rest of my life.

Also, for as much as I cannot listen to Taylor’s song, because I sob every time I hear it… it plays non-stop in my head, 24 hours a day. That girl, like you, is such an old soul. I am still blown away by her grace, beauty, and dignity. I will be thankful for the rest of my life, for her and for you. I am going back to New York this weekend until Tuesday. We will be going to see Taylor on the Katie Couric show. A handful of my board members are coming with me to celebrate everything New York, Taylor, Katie and you, Ronan. I cannot wait. I also have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. All good things happen in New York. The BEST things happen in New York. I cannot wait to see what comes of this trip, this time. I am always so surprised by the amazing things that come from that magical city.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Breaking News! Childhood Cancer is NOT Rainbows and Buckets of Sunshine!

Ronan. Last week, I got really mad. So mad that I was left tossing and turning many nights. My anger comes and goes, but it was due to an email that I got that caused my anger to boil over in a way that has not happened in a while. I will share this email in a bit, and yes I did get the permission to do so by the person who wrote it to me. Why do people in this world choose to cover up the real truth behind childhood cancer? Is it because they are too scared to tell the truth? Is it because they are in such denial? Is it because it is easier to be vocal about this if you are sweet and everything is pretty little rainbows and puppy dogs? Is it because they don’t have the strength to tell the truth? That is so unfair. This is only hurting the world of childhood cancer. Childhood cancer is NOT happy kids with sweet shiny bald heads and brave smiles. Childhood cancer is NOT something that is given to kids because they are strong enough to handle it. Childhood cancer is NOT sunshine and love. Childhood cancer is scary. Childhood cancer is dark. Childhood cancers ruins families and lives. It is probably one of the most stressful, heart wrenching things in the world. The way childhood cancer is portrayed, is not accurate. I know what childhood cancer is. I think I’ve been very vocal about it. I don’t think I’ve sugar-coated much and I never will. People need to know the truth about what this disease does, so maybe it will open everyone’s eyes about how these kids are being beaten, battered, bruised, and murdered over and over again. It’s like child abuse, only everyone is fucking o.k. with it. Why is that? Because the reality of what is really going on, is too much to look at? That is such bullshit. If more people were upset about this, being vocal about this, and would stop looking the other way, maybe things would change. The treatments for childhood cancer are barbaric. The treatments for childhood cancer, if one does survive, do so much damage to the child, that life is difficult and hard. And this is acceptable, why? I will NEVER understand why these kids are not the one’s who are getting the most funding/research/attention. If I had the choice to save myself from some awful cancer at 50 years old, or the life of a child, I would choose the child, hands fucking down. And great that the White House is fucking pink for Breast Cancer Awareness this month. Where the fuck is the Gold for last month? I’m sorry, but the color pink makes me want to throw up. Give these little girls a fucking chance to grow up and get breast cancer. Everything is backwards and I don’t understand why. I watched as cancer took my most beautiful boy, and ate him alive. It is doing this to kids every single day and nobody seems to care.

Back to the email that I got. I read it. I was in bed. It was kind of late at night. I read it twice and started sobbing. I know everything you went through, Ronan. I know everything you went through and it wasn’t half as much as these other kids. Do you remember Ty? I’ll never forget him. He was so sick. We bought him a superhero cape. He gave you a gun. He’s not doing so well, Ro. This is eating me alive. I think I know what is coming next and there is nothing I can do. I can’t do the one and only thing, I know his mama wants. Tomorrow is her birthday. Her wish is for everyone to know about Ty. I think I can help with that. It’s the least I can do. This is from Super Ty’s mama.

Maya.  Why didn’t we talk when our boys roomed together at Memorial Sloan Kettering?  I regret that, because we should have connected.  I am not very outgoing, but we would have been fast friends nonetheless.  I spent an entire day getting to know your mom, but I can’t imagine why you and I never shared more than polite exchanges.  Oh yeah, now I know, because we were living in pure misery and probably too distracted by Ronan’s “asspole” to concentrate 🙂
We shared a room in April of 2011.  Your mom told me how you have a blog about Ronan.  At night, I remember we both typed under dim lights into the late hours, updating everyone on how our little boys were doing.  Ronan was diagnosed the same exact time as my son, Ty Louis Campbell.  He’s only five months older than Ty.  We gave him a gun, you gave us a superhero cape for Ty.  My husband and I talked about Ronan and his incredibly fun spirit so often (we still talk about him all the time).  That little boy laughed while bathing with his star wars and he had the most adorable laugh.  Ty was so, so sick… we were envious of you.  We couldn’t wait until Ty was a funloving baldie like Ronan, walking the halls and shooting at nurses.  We got a kick out of that, and we know Ty would have too if he was feeling better.
I remember Ronan looking into my eyes and feeling like he knew something we don’t.  Now I know why.  Look at all of the amazing things he has done!
It was several weeks later that I randomly thought to check on you out of nowhere.  I googled your website and was completely floored when I read the title of your post “Where’s Ronan?”  My heart was crushed, my soul deflated and my mind throbbed in pain over the tragic loss of your beautiful boy, and the immense fear for my own child fighting the same disgusting beast.  I check in on your family sometimes and I always find your words to coincide with everything I am feeling – thank you.  I love you and all you are doing.  It is so f-ing perfect that Taylor Swift found Ronan.  He is MOVING MOUNTAINS.  I am so excited.  I want to tell you that you are amazing, but I know you will just think that it’s not you but Ronan who is doing all this.  Ronan who is amazing (and I would wholeheartedly agree).
Ty was sent home on hospice care a week ago.  I don’t think I will survive, but then I think about you and I know that I will (even though I don’t want to) and it won’t be pretty.  I wrote you once before when my husband ran the NYC marathon for Fred’s Team.  He wore Ronan’s name on one arm, and another boy, Tanner, on the other.
I am going on and on, and I don’t mean to.  I am trying to contact you again for two reasons and I can only imagine how bombarded you must be so I wanted to give you enough background.  First, I just want to tell you how much your writing helps all of us who are going through this painful, tragic life of a cancer mom.  To tell you how much I love what you’ve done for Ronan.  And, to tell you how much I love Ronan.
The other reason is about the media, and I hope it makes sense through my rambling…
I can’t stop thinking about how you are really doing it… how you are really making a difference.  I am excited!  I am a huge believer in all things rockstar ronan!  I believe that YOU have brought this fight to a turning point, and that childhood cancer awareness is going to blow up thanks to you and your beautiful boy.  I can’t wait to see what’s next!  On that note, I have a request that revolves around your mission to share the horrors of childhood cancer.  Ty’s fight against cancer was/is reallybad.  I know every kid’s fight is really bad, but Ty had 27 surgeries in 2 years.  He had meningitis three times because of chemo.  He hasn’t been able to walk for two years.  He was on high dose steroids that destroyed him.  He had 45 rounds of radiation treatments to the brain where his head was bolted down to a table every day.  He had only four fairly healthy months in over two years of treatment (August – December 2011) when he almost walked again, but then he suffered a post-radiation brain bleed that paralyzed the left side of his body.  That terrible blow was followed by necrosis to the brainstem a couple months later that made his entire body paralyzed from the neck down so he can’t sit up or move his arms or feed himself anymore.  We went to a hyperbaric oxygen chamber every day for 2 hours a day all summer.  He endured 60 of those treatments.  Now we’re told that his cancer returned and he is going to die soon.  I always believed that he was suffering so much because we will all get the greatest reward.  That he would get better.  That our love and determination would prevent the other shoe from dropping.  We suspended that bitch in mid-air for a long time… but she eventually hit the ground, hard.
I’m telling you this because I hope that you can build the horrors of what kids go through into your messages about childhood cancer.  You are our voice, our amazing vehicle to spread the word and I am so proud of you.  Awareness should focus on how many children are diagnosed, how many die so unfairly, but also how incredibly f-ed up the treatment options are for children.  They physically destroyed my perfect baby with the golden curls.  The medicine DESTROYED HIM just as much as the cancer did.  He has been robbed of his quality of life for so long.  How is it possible that there has been only ONE NEW DRUG approved for children?  I know you know all of this.  I just want to share Ty’s suffering so you can talk about the level of sheer hell these kids can go through at such a young, innocent age.
Forgive me for bombarding you like this.  I am a PR and marketing professional (I was) so I guess it is my nature to do this.  I just know you are going to do amazing things, and I see kinder, gentler treatment options THAT FUCKING WORK for our children in the future.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.  I hope to hear from you some day.
Love,
Cindy Campbell
Do you want to know what my response was? It was this. My words were nothing of comfort. Words of comfort do not exist in a situation like this.
Cindy,
I’ve been checking in on you guys. I wasn’t sure how to get your email address to write. I cannot even form words to write now as I am sobbing. I don’t have any words of comfort. If I did, they would be lies. The cold feet. I’ll never forget the cold feet. I’m so sorry. I wish I had something more to say. If I had Ronan here again one last time, I would have held him more after he passed away. I didn’t hold him after he left. I kissed him. I bathed him. I dressed him. But I didn’t hold him. I didn’t know I could. Please hold Ty.
Do you see why I am so angry at the world of cute little happy bald kids? Because it is a lie and the treatments for these kids, are a JOKE. It’s like saying, let’s lock your kid up in a torture chamber and hope for the best. UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE. I am on a rant tonight and it is well deserved. Next year, that White House better be lit up GOLD for the month of September. Add it to my list of things to do.
Today, was just an o.k. day, Ro. I might be lying. Today, was not a good day. I’m still so sick so I am dealing with that. I also feel like I have the weight of the world, on my shoulders. I am doing a lot. Trying my best to navigate everything that is coming my way. Who’s intentions are true and who’s are not? I feel like I am being pushed and pulled in a thousand different directions. Your daddy came home to me in bed, with the covers pulled up over my head. I was so wiped out from the day and so tired. I may have said some things like, “I don’t want this baby. I just want Ro.” Things that I know I don’t mean, but all I could do was lay in bed and cry and stare at your pictures on my iPhone. Please come back, Ronan. Please, why did you have to leave me?  It’s not fair. It’s not right. I wish people would stop telling me things like “God only takes the best.” That is not true. It might be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I am surround by the BEST people on the planet, so why aren’t they all dying, left and right? Somebody explain that one to me. I never wanted this job, Ronan. But I am left on this earth with so much anger/fire/passion/love for you, that I WILL change all of this. I always think about Liam and Quinn. You can mark my words, when they have kids, and god forbid one of them gets cancer… things will be better. The survival rates, treatments, and outcomes. Our future, deserves better. I couldn’t save you, but you can be damn fucking sure I am going to save the others that will go through this. How as a mother, could I even look myself in the mirror if I did not do something? That would be such a slap in the face, to you and our family.
I am going to end this tonight. Please, everyone help me make Ty’s mom’s wish come true. Please go and check out his story. He has been though so much. He is such a fighter. I only wish it was in the way where he was a healthy boy, fighting off monsters, dragons and bad guys. Not cancer.
Oh, and hey cancer. Fuck you.
Goodnight, Ronan. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo

Leaving on a Jet Plane… without you.

Ronan. I’m leaving on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again… Kidding, kidding. I am leaving on a jet plane, and I do know when I’ll be back again. I’m going to your favorite place in the world, besides our house. I’m taking your brothers to Nana and Papa’s, for the trip we’ve been taking since they were 6 months old. I don’t know how I feel about it. I never know how I am going to do going to places anymore. All that matters is THEY are so excited. All that matters is how THEY feel. I can put myself on hold. I feel nothing except numb. Your daddy asked me this week if I was excited to go. I just looked at him with my, “Really?” look. He then said, “O.k. excited is not the right word.” I told him all that mattered is that Liam and Quinn were excited. I think I will be good once I get there. The Pacific Northwest is good for my soul. And I do miss my parents. It will be nice to spend some time with them. It’s good for all of our souls as it warms my heart to watch your brothers playing the way I used to play when I was little. Lots of simple things. Everything outdoors. Mud. Rain. Picking berries. Splashing in rivers. Forest nature walks. Clean air. It’s calm, peaceful and quiet. All things I miss so very much. I like sleeping in my old bedroom where I grew up and not much has changed. I will miss you my little snuggle bug so very much though. You loved to cuddle up with me and we would always sleep with the windows open and fall asleep listening to the frogs, grasshoppers while the cool, crisp air lulled us to sleep. It’s fucking bullshit that you are now sleeping forever. Please hold on while I go and throw up. There has been a lot of that going on again, lately.

What has gone on this week? A blur of things. I remember a lot of conversations. Your daddy told me something while I was sleeping last night about someone’s son dying of an overdose of pills. Some celeb’s son. I don’t remember who. But I do remember asking your daddy what kind of pills they took. I remember him being mad/annoyed at my question, but I fell back into a deep sleep. Without my Ambien. Good girl, me. It’s been a week of tears. Bits of insanity in a totally sane world as sometimes I feel as if I am so alone that I am truly insane while everyone else gets to live in a sane world with all of their kids, safe and sound. I miss that safe/sane/happy/no REAL problems exist because everything can be fixed when you don’t live in a dead kid or my kid has cancer, world.

The conversations float through my mind that happened the past couple of days. Words that are always filled with pain. I got told that I looked peaceful. I tried not to cry. I smiled instead. “Well, I don’t feel peaceful, except for in this moment because I am around you and you make me feel that way.” I soaked up the peacefulness like someone who has not seen sunshine in months. I got asked why I was wearing my glasses. “Because they hide my tears better. Because after crying all day long, my contacts can only take so much. I like the world better when I can hide my eyes.” I got told you were missed. I said I knew and it hurt my heart. It breaks my heart over and over again. Not just for me, but for the others around you who loved you so much. I’ve decided that there is no totally fixing my broken heart. The second pieces of it start to get put back together, it just falls to the floor again to be shattered over and over again. I have come to find out that I think it will always just be this way. I often wonder if one day, my heart will just stop beating from all of this pain.

 

This is all for tonight, little one. I have to get up super early for a 6:45 a.m. flight where your brothers and I will leave your Daddy behind. I hate this so much. I’m so sorry you cannot come with us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. xoxo

One of my favorite Washington pictures of you, you spicy little monkey. You were so mad at me for putting your brothers 4 wheeler in 1st gear, to go slower rather than 2nd gear, to go faster. You knew the difference at only 2 years old. Your little foot could hardly reach the gas as this was meant to be driven by 5 year olds, not a Baby Danger 2 year old. You drove this thing, all summer long. I miss you so much.