Home just in time to leave again


tumblr_lor4k89QwF1qzrkvzo1_400Ronan. We are home now and it has been alright. I have been doing what I do best, which is kind of keeping to myself. Sometimes, I ignore the phone calls and texts… not because I feel like being mean or hurtful, but because sometimes I just need to be alone. I have been busy also trying to get us unpacked and everything situated for leaving your daddy and brothers for a few days. I’m leaving for San Francisco tomorrow to go to Teddy’s celebration of life. I know people are worried about me going to this. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes straight up told me he thought this was the worst idea ever and he did not think I should go. It’s not very often that I don’t listen to his advice… I’m going despite what he has said. I know Macy is worried, too. Fernanda sent me a text message saying she would be thinking about me and knows how difficult this is going to be. I just replied that it couldn’t be as difficult as sitting through your fucking fuckwad funeral/celebration of life/bullshit because you shouldn’t have died. I got through that fine mostly because I was in shock and medicated on god knows what. This time there will be no shock or medication. I will get through this with only the help of you and your little friend, Teddy boy. I don’t know why, but I almost feel like I have to do this because I have something to prove to myself. If this is the world I am going to live in, there will be no shortage of deaths and funerals. I have to be strong enough to go through every part of this, even the worst parts and Teddy was special to me. I’ll never forget the way he let me hold his little hand as we crossed the street on that very cold San Diego day. His little hands reminded me so much of yours and that little bald head of his made me melt. I also want to go for Teddy’s mom. I know a lot of what she is feeling now and I just want to go and wrap my arms around her. I want to show her that one can survive this and maybe give her the little bit of strength that I have. She sometimes picks my brain about all of this via text. I don’t sugar coat anything for her. That’s never been my thing. I wish I had more inspiring words to give her, but I don’t. And I am not about to pretend that this gets any easier because it fucking doesn’t. The least I can do is go and honor her little boy that I was so blessed to know for the short amount of time that I did. I will go and cry my tears for us all because it is a part of this process and this life I live now. I am not half assing any of this because it gets too sad or too scary. I choose to remain true to this entire process.

Today, I spent the entire day with your brothers. We went to breakfast and had a few appointments. We all 3 had dentist appointments. I have not been back to our dentist, the one who was the non smoker and just died from mother fucking lung cancer, since you were sick. I walked into that office and had so much anticipation. I always wonder who is going to ignore the fact that you died, or who is going to acknowledge it. Our dental hygienist, the one who used to always clean your teeth, was sitting at the front desk. As soon as we walked in, she gave us a big hello. The next thing out of her mouth was how sorry she was and she didn’t stop there… she said some other things, asked how we were doing, etc… I felt myself exhale. Thank god. There is nothing more that I hate in this life now, then the people who knew you, know our story, but choose not to fucking acknowledge it. I teared up a little, and told her thank you for asking about you and us. It truly does mean the world to me. I hate when I go out into this world, run into an old friend/acquaintance and they look at me with their fake plastic smiles and do the whole, “Hi!!! So good to see you! How are you?!?!” And then they go on like you did not even exist. I mostly want to punch these people, but instead I just give them my look of you have got to be kidding me, a fake smile back, and walk away. Is that rude? Probably. But at this point in my life, I don’t really care. I don’t have time to waste on people who are not in our lives for a reason.

We all sat and took turns having our teeth cleaned. You were talked about a lot. As I was sitting in the chair having my teeth cleaned, your brothers were sitting on the floor in front of me. Our hygienist girl goes, “They are so quiet and well-behaved. It sure is different without Ronan here, running up and down the halls.” It’s so different Ronan that at times it feels spooky. Like the life has been sucked out of the entire room. Of course I appreciated your brothers and how well-behaved they were being, but I so missed you being there with us, causing trouble. I know we all did. Everyone loved your little rebel ways, but nobody more than me.

There has been a lot of Poppy talk going on. We are going to get started on her room soon. Your daddy brought it up at lunch the other day. We have to start construction to add another room on to our house because I am not giving her your room. I just sat there, looking at him and started bawling. I wanted to cover my ears and hide under the table. I am so excited about your sister but some days, it just becomes too much. Your daddy quickly got up from across the booth and came over to sit with me and wrap his arms around me. He said something like he was sorry and how this never gets any easier. I let him hold me in the middle of the restaurant and could have cared less at the eyes watching the scene play out before them as the people continued to walk past us. I’m sure they thought things like, “Oh… a lovers quarrel.” Not, “Oh… they must be crying over their child who died of cancer.” Because things like that just don’t happen, right Ro? Kids get cancer and die?!?! That cannot be true. If it were, there is no way our government and society would let this happen and quietly sweep it under the rug like they seem to do. That dirty little secret of childhood cancer just does not exist. Fucking bollox.

Alright little man. I have to go and pack for tomorrow. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

 

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19 thoughts on “Home just in time to leave again

  1. Ali B

    I think it will mean so much for Teddy’s mother that you are there for his celebration of life. Of course it will be hard, but this whole life without Ronan is hard – only you know if it is the right decision for you and you seem very, very good at following your gut instincts.
    I really hope that Poppy brings back some of the spiciness to your day to day life that is missing now…I only wish it was her and Ronan being true partners in crime and driving you mental in the best possible way. I will never stop wishing that this wasn’t your reality.

  2. Rita Dickinson

    Maya, I am glad you are going to San Francisco to grieve with Teddy’s family and friends. I’m sure it will mean the world to them. Thank you for going and being honest with them about the hell they have lived through and will continue to live through. Hugs to all.

  3. Brooke

    About the sweeping it under the rug thing..I know exactly what you mean. Why America is so focused on helping children in other countries is beyond me, not that its not important. I just think its time that they step up and start helping kids in their own country. My heart is breaking so much for these dying children. Thank you Maya, for stepping up.

  4. Amber

    Thinking of you, Maya and of course Teddy’s family. I hate that there has to be another funeral for another child that cancer has stolen. I am sure that Teddy and Ronan are playing together and will be watching over you and his family. You are going to do amazing things with Ronan’s foundation in hopes that one day there will be no more funerals.

  5. britt20672

    When you are at Teddy’s celebration know that all of your followers are wrapping our love and support around you. I’m sure it wont be easy but you will manage and Ronan and Teddy will help you. I wish more than all he money in he the world i could make your pain and all the other parents who have lost their children just go away. I wish there no hurt in this world. I wish you a safe trip and lot of love and hugs from Florida . Stay strong you are such an inspiration to me and so many others keep spreading your RoMagic. You are going to make a difference…. Well you already have 🙂 lots of love always 🙂

  6. dpogacar7208

    Maya-
    I’ve been following Teddy’s blog because of Ronan & our cancer connection with our sons. I would love to pick you up @ the airport & take you to the celebration of life & drive you back. I know I’m a complete stranger besides posting a few comments but it would be an honor to meet you. If I can help in anyway please let me know.
    Get some rest!
    Deborah Pogacar & family

  7. Kodiak My Little Grizzly

    Sometimes there is more comfort from those who have been there. Every child is different. Every situation is different but who better to comfort someone with a missing limb than a person who also has a missing limb. One might be missing an arm and the other a leg but both have a limb missing. Something of great value. It’s the same when losing a child, spouse, parent. Looks like to me you will be a source of comfort to each other. Yet each other deals with your own loss as a each child is so precious and adorable… You both are Mom’s that lost your precious little men to horrible cancer. That quality in you (going to support another mom in need in a similar situation) makes you endearing to many, Myself included.
    I’m glad your husband took the time to comfort you in a very public place like that… Not all guys would do so… But he’s a real man! Not worried how he might look to other guys.
    I know I would not stare! I HATE that when people do that to me with my special needs DeafBlind child banging his head on the table when we do get to go out to eat … like we are some FREAK show! I LOVE those that come and try to help or say a kind thing like what a loving family he has etc! I think you have a great support system and clearly they are worried. But there are times as Mom’s we know when it will be very hard on us but we feel we HAVE to for a good reason. You probably like me would also feel guilt if you didn’t go. Just remember to take care of yourself so you are strong enough to take care of Poppy! Give Teddy’s mom a hug from me, another mom in pain in a very different way… Sincerely,
    Heather

  8. Chelsea

    I admire you so much for going to Teddy’s funeral, I’m sure your presence will be comforting to his mother, in this fucked up world of childhood cancer.
    Also, those people who don’t bring up Ro are exactly the kind of people who choose to remain ignorant about childhood cancer, and that makes me sick. Ugh.
    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you some Ro-love 🙂

  9. Lisa Richard

    I’m proud of you for going. It would be understandable if you didn’t, but you’re amazing for choosing to go. I know Ronan is proud!! Safe travels, Lisa

    Sent from my iPhone

  10. Jodi

    I know I told you this that day we talked in Bob’s but I think what you are doing is amazing! I’m just so sorry it has to be you, that your son had to die for the world to take notice. My aunt died of leukemia when she was 17 and although grandmother was one of the strongest women I’ve ever known she didn’t take on the world like you have. You are already changing things for the better and you’ve just gotten started!

  11. KMH

    Maya, I have been reading your blog since last September when Taylor Swift sang her beautiful song for you and Ronan. I have to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman, mother and friend. I read your blog and think, “This person is so full of love. She loves everyone in her life so much and she shows it.” Also, you live in the truth. You share what you are feeling in the most direct way and it is so refreshing. Maya, there are very few people in this world who have the courage to love and feel the way that you do. Your trip to see Teddy’s parents and to honor him shows bravery, compassion and love. I read a quote the other day that I really liked and feel it is fitting here:
    “Faith and courage mean taking the next step when the map isn’t entirely clear.” You are taking the next step every day…which is so inspiring to me and so many others.

  12. Kara

    Maya you are in our hearts and thoughts
    This trip to celebrate Teddy will no doubt be difficult. I am so very sorry.

  13. Rhonda

    Just wanted to tell you how much I love your no nonsense, honest , raw blog. We are both in the club no one wants to be in-the loss of a child, people don’t know how to treat you club. My loss was very different than yours. My daughter died at 18 days old from a birth defect 11 years ago. Some people are so clueless, I once had someone ask me when I was pregnant a few months after losing her- “if this one is a girl, are you going to use the same name… ?Since you didn’t get to use it last time?”what the hell goes on In people’s heads. I just wanted to tell you I think you are doing an awesome job with your grief and empowering a lot of moms- who feel the same way you do, just aren’t as brave as you to actually say it! Thanks for speaking for us!

  14. Molly

    Great post! Thanks for the honesty. You are so right, what is so hard about saying, “I’m so sorry and I’ve been thinking of you and your family so often.” That’s all you need to say! What on earth is so hard about that? People are so clueless sometimes it is unbelievable. When my daughter was fighting cancer, people would ask me what her prognosis was. Really?? What if it was very poor? Do they want you to reply, “The doctors say she probably won’t survive.” That is something parents don’t want to think about! Anyway, have a safe journey, I know your friend will be so thankful to see you at the service.

  15. Horton Hears A Who

    Hi Maya.

    Sorry this is a little late, but after realizing I had been reading about Ronan and your beautiful family for over 2 years now, I wanted to finally say something to you. And it’s a LOT, so please bear with me! I hope you’ll take the time to read about how Ro’s magic saved a life & just helped thousands of kids – literally!

    I haven’t known what to say before except I am sorry beyond words for your pain over the loss of your beautiful boy – and of course Woody’s pain, & Liam’s & Quinn’s too – and know that I care so much from my little nook in North Carolina. And that I cry with you…for you…for Teddy’s family and for everyone affected by this fucking monster called cancer! I’ve had a rough year, and no – not like yours. But still a really hard “want to hide from the world” kind of year. But you gave me something this last year Maya – something that will help me move forward I think, instead of always falling down.

    You gave me courage. If you can be raw and real in the face of losing your darling boy Ro, then I can at least try to be brave too. I’ve been a victim for so long, but now I want to scream and shout like you do and be a survivor instead. If you can say “I lost Ronan and here is exactly what it feels like,” then I can say this: I was raped. I was raped. I. Was. Raped. I WAS RAPED!! I was raped and I’ve been hiding it like it was something to be ashamed of, and I’ve nearly let it ruin my life. Nearly! But one day recently after reading one of your gut-wrenchingly heartbreakingly oh-so HONEST & REAL posts, I cried a while for you. Then I cried for me. Then I picked up the phone and called a friend, told her she might need to sit down, and then I told her. I told her those three words that had haunted me and put me in self-induced anxiety isolation: I told her “I was raped.” It was the first time I had said it out loud. She even guessed when it happened based on when I had changed and become so withdrawn and afraid. And alone. Like a survival alone, not by choice. Alone because surviving moments was all I could do, and that meant pulling away from everyone I knew because the mere act of breathing was too hard – how was I supposed to even be in the same room with anyone else when I had reached a point of not only not being able to breathe, but not wanting to anymore? I admit, I didn’t want to be here anymore. Just erase me, world, please… That’s how I felt. FELT. Past tense! I thought of Ronan fighting, and you & Woody fighting to survive after losing him. You not only inspired me to fight Maya, you gave me such an example to look up to – your strength is amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us, with me, and helping me find my own fight & strength…helping me find my voice. Those three words are still so scary and I haven’t told everyone in my life yet – YET – but thanks in part to you & Ronan, I am working on it! I’ve told a few people & now a therapist, and I’m getting help to be a rape survivor instead of a rape victim. Thank you Maya & thank you Ronan…you really may have saved my life. In fact, I’m pretty sure you did!

    Also because of you two partners in crime (can’t we all just start calling you & Ronan our super-heROes?? :), the holidays were dramatically different this year. I convinced my family AND friends too that this was a time to help others, especially in the aftermath of something as horrific as the Newtown, Connecticut, tragedy. I told them that while we couldn’t save the entire world, we could help it. And you never know when your reaching out just might change a precious life – next best thing to changing the whole world. 🙂 So this was the holiday season of donating to charities in honor of loved ones instead of buying gifts – all because of a beautiful boy named Ronan! And it’s a new tradition that WILL continue every year! All year too, including birthdays now! It made us all feel SO good to help, & not just writing checks but volunteering time as well! Some beneficiaries include a couple of great local no-kill animal rescue groups for the pet lovers, a local women’s & children’s shelter that does SUCH great things (I met an amazing woman who works tirelessly for these women & their kids to get them through crises & give them shelter as long as needed), a local homeless shelter/soup kitchen, a local rape/sexual assault/domestic violence crisis center (they’re amazing & ended up helping me while I helped them!), plus big donations to the local Toys for Tots & Coats for Kids programs… some of us even picked kids from “angel trees” & went out & had a BLAST buying the clothes & toys that those needy kids would open on Xmas morning – infinitely more fun shopping for those who truly need it as opposed to “what do I buy for this person who’s blessed with so much already??”

    I even got my super-shy ass on the phone with newspapers & TV stations when I found out there were still 2000 local kids whose angels hadn’t been chosen just 48 hours before the deadline – meaning those 2000 kids wouldn’t have a single gift to open on Xmas morning, even some whose siblings HAD been chosen! How do you explain THAT to a kid?!-“um, Santa likes your siblings better”?! Nope, nuh-uh, no way! I had to plead the case to a lot of people, A LOT – each TV station & each newspaper has a “phone answerer” who has to hear your whole story & deem it newsworthy before they “patch you through to the newsroom” where you have to repeat the entire story to a reporter! But my bleeding heart kicked the crap out of my super-shy ass & I kept telling the story through tears & near hyperventilation until – wait for it – the organization extended the deadline by 2 more days because of sudden news interest & exposure!! One TV station ignored my pleas (my gut tells me karma will get them), a couple others did a last minute “mention” – but get THIS: it was TOP STORY on the noon & nightly news of the main local TV station AND it was on the FRONT PAGE of the state’s biggest newspaper!! (It was on their websites as well!) They ended up getting EVERY kid chosen for at least some clothes & went from only 1 toy per child to 2!! That’s HUGE & I still can’t believe it’s in large part due to my perseverance… I still can’t believe either that the day before, the organization’s PR person honestly told me she was going to just pack what little they had & “hope for a Christmas miracle” – are you fucking kidding me?! I’m not religious & people like her are a big reason why, ugh. I just told her she needed to learn sometimes you have to stop sitting on “faith” & therefore your ass & actually get up and MAKE a miracle happen! She said I was evidently “not a Christian & therefore not a good person” so she was done with me(!), while I said that even though she was a hypocritical bitch I was STILL going to help those kids!! Those innocent kids were NOT going to suffer because of her ineptitude & unwillingness to actually *do* her fucking PR work! (WAITING for a miracle?! Really?! PR work means you sit & fucking WAIT & don’t actually WORK?! These kids weren’t just going to miss having Xmas gifts, they weren’t even going to have warm coats or shoes let alone a toy!!) Ok, rant over: *I* did her PR work & those 2000 kids each got a little something for Xmas, plus all 9000 kids in the program got 2 toys instead of just 1!!! All because this shy girl got inspired by your beautiful boy Ronan, Maya!! And inspired by YOU!! (& then pissed, lol, which just inspired me more!)

    One last note: there were three extra special beneficiaries of our holiday donations because I told everyone about Ronan, you, and this blog. Sizeable donations went out to St Jude Children’s Research Hospital, Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation, and The Ronan Thompson Foundation!!! 🙂 Kicking childhood cancer’s fucking ass, OH YEAH! 🙂 One step at the time & too slow, I know, but it’s progress Maya. And because of you I could tell people to give to these places if they actually wanted every penny (instead of less than 1% of their donation to someplace like the American Cancer Society!) to help the fight against *childhood cancer* – how is that not everyone’s main concern?! How are OUR KIDS not the main concern?! Well, again, because of both of you, my super-heROes, several charities got a big boost recently – lots of people realizing how much better it feels to donate money & time instead of buying gifts, or only buying for people who truly need it! And especially realizing how great it feels to help a child! Whether buying clothes and toys for needy kids or battling childhood cancer, I’ve raised so much awareness in my little circle & now they’re each raising awareness in their own extended circles – it’s a beautiful thing to watch unfold, as people’s eyes are opened to what truly matters and then they actually take the time to ACT on it! The same goes for those two genuine kindhearted reporters who made sure the word on those 2000 kids who weren’t going to have anything for Xmas didn’t just get out but went out as TOP stories on the news & in the newspaper! (& their websites too!) Unlike their misnamed “PR” person, I didn’t just sit & hope – I DID SOMETHING. I ACTED. A year ago, hearing heartbreaking news like that would have made me sob & hide under the covers. But that was then! Inspired by both Ronan AND you, Maya, I’m now a person who’s taking action! Feeling like Ro was giving my super-shy self some confidence by first following my heart & then SPEAKING FROM MY HEART, I acted – I acted & I made a difference. I don’t ever pat myself on the back because I never feel deserving, but this is one occasion where I do feel my heart swell – not with pride but with joy in knowing I reached other hearts & they got the word out & reached countless hearts who then acted & bought clothes & toys for thousands of needy children. I am proud I got the ball rolling, but it took a village (as they say) to make Xmas happen for all those kids – I’m so proud of everyone who opened not just their wallets but their hearts to help! It’s only when people work together that you’re able to MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!! I’ll never sit & “wait” again! I’ll ACT! I’ll keep calling on my circle to call on their circles so we can all help as much as we can. Pretty soon, fuckwad childhood cancer won’t know what hit it & it’ll be gone!! Spread the word everyone, but don’t forget to ACT too!

    From now on, my bleeding (but strong) heart will trump my shyness & I’ll always speak for those who can’t – look what happened when I did it last month! From now on, I’m “Horton Hears a Who” lol – I’m a voice for anyone who needs me, & I’ll scream from the rooftops if I need to! It’s spreading, Maya – can’t you feel it?? Awareness. ACTION. Ronan’s magic is spreading!! Pretty freaking Romazing, ain’t it? 🙂

    I’m sorry I’ve written so much – forget novel, this is like a trilogy! 😉 I just truly feel I owe both you and Ronan my life, literally & figuratively. You helped me find the strength to stop hiding & start talking about being raped – taking my first steps toward healing… toward being a rape survivor instead of a victim. You & Ronan the super-heROes also inspired the brand new holiday tradition (& it WILL continue each year, & last ALL year now encompassing birthdays as well) in which my circle of family & friends donates money & time to charities in lieu of purchasing unneeded gifts. You, Maya, also inspired me to fight off my (almost crippling) timidity & be a voice for those in need – a steadfast Horton listening out for all the Whos! 🙂 Thank you Maya! Thank you Ronan! Wishing all of you – Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn, Ronan, & Poppy – peace & love in this new year and always. 2013 will be The Year of The Poppy! 🙂 I know Ro will watch over her & his wonderfully perfect big brothers Quinn & Liam, keeping them all safe & healthy. Mama & Daddy too! Be good to yourselves – you deserve it! May the universe treat you all with kindness & gentleness. Always. -xo

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