Grief, Pregnancy, and what else?? I don’t know, I forgot.

Ronan. Today seemed like a really, really long day. The days without you never fly by anymore. They still seem to be never-ending. Today, seemed extra long for some reason. Looking back I cannot even remember what I did, but as I sit here and think about it, I know. I missed you with every single step I took just like I always do. I had to go to Target, to stock up on some things. I was in the middle of grabbing some stuff and I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, “Today feels like a really hard day for some reason. You should go back home and go to bed for the whole day.” I finished up my Target trip and told myself to power through the day and just get some things done. It was one of those days where I had to have multiple pep talks with myself. I got home and was determined to get some things done that I have been avoiding. One of them being getting rid of the hand me down clothes that I have been saving forever for you, from your brothers. I went through about 7 bins that we have in our garage. I wanted to throw up. What do you mean Ronan won’t get to wear those Nike shoes now or those little John Deere cowboy boots I saved for him? What do you mean I don’t get to pass down your brothers things for you? That wasn’t part of our “plan.” I had a very specific plan in store for our family and never did it consist of you getting cancer and dying. How the fuck did this happen? I don’t care how real this is, I will never get used to it.

I packed up your brothers clothes. I think I called your daddy on my way to the consignment store. I told him what I was doing. Or at least I tried to tell him, but I could barely get the words out without choking my tears back. He told me to wait that he would do it. I was on a mission and just wanted to get it done. I got to my destination. This was me, walking in. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” I dropped off your brothers clothes and got out of there, as fast as I could. I don’t remember what happened the rest of the day. Everything is a blur as this little event happened earlier in the week. I’m still dealing with the if I don’t write things down, soon after they happen, I usually won’t remember them. I sometimes think my cloudy grief brain is never going to get better. I’ve been called flaky now by others. I don’t mean to be. But if I don’t have it written down, or a reminder from someone…. I tend to forget a lot of things. I wasn’t this way before all of this. This is a part of the new me. I don’t like it, but I also don’t have much control over it.

I went to see Marie Tillman speak the other night. She is the widow of Pat Tillman. One of our hero’s in our house. Remember Ro, how we used to call you our mini Pat Tillman? Your daddy and I used to always talk about how we thought you were going to grow up to be just like him. Unbelievably beautiful. Freakishly coordinated. Fearless. With the best heart. I used to tell you bedtime stories about him. We used to do the Pat’s Run every single year and I would happily push you in your jogging stroller while I ran the race. I was excited to go out for the night with Stacy to listen to Marie talk about her life and the book she has written. After she was done speaking, I had the chance to talk with her a little bit. We talked about you, Pat, and this bitch of a thing called grief. She said something to me like, “Everyone expects you to get better over time, and I don’t think that’s true. I told her that I couldn’t agree more. That unfortunately, grief does not seem to have an expiration date. It is such a misconception that time heals all wounds. If anything, I think it makes the pain worse. Deeper in a way. I think I miss you more today, then I ever have. I think I will go on missing you more and more everyday as time passes on by.

I think I have kind of been hiding out a lot. Grief and pregnancy do not go hand in hand together and they are not my friend. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this Poppy sister of yours. She’s starting to kick a lot which is helping to make me realize that she really is growing in my stomach, otherwise I think I might forget. I was with Fernanda today, telling her about how I cannot even go into a clothing store without wanting to scream and run the other way. In my mind, I was thinking this was a more of a what’s wrong with me thing? What is so wrong with me that I cannot even pick out some sweet little clothes for your baby sister? Fernanda put it to me in a way that only she could do. It’s not a what’s wrong with me thing. It’s a because “you know that material items such as clothes in a fancy store, are not what matters. They won’t make you happy. It’s just stuff and you know the worthlessness of that stuff.” I think she hit the nail on the head. All the stuff at the end the day, doesn’t matter at all. So maybe, this is what my road block is all about. Poppy has to be clothed, but Fernanda told me not to worry about that as it will be taken care of. If I had my way, she’d just be a nudey baby forever I guess. I was told also not to worry about her nursery. That she will pick out all the furniture, how it looks, etc…. Of course I trust her with all of this. I am just so thankful that I don’t have to think about any of it as it all seems so overwhelming. I am so thankful for my amazing magical friend who can fix any situation and instantly make me feel better about it. Well, almost any situation. I know she wishes so badly that she could have fixed your situation but I’ll never forget how hard she tried. She tried just as hard as your daddy and I did. I’ll never forget that.

This is all for tonight little man. I’m tired. But restless. You are still waking me up every single night at 3:25 a.m. It’s been this way, since you left. I know it’s you, trying to get to me. I know it’s as hard for you, to be away from me. I’m so sorry about all of this. I wish so badly I could bring you back. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.

xoxo

Night Hiking and Ronan Rain

 

 

 

Ronan. This is how foggy my head is still. I seriously thought today, the 13th was your diagnoses day, two years ago. It wasn’t until this afternoon, that I remembered that today was not your diagnoses day, the 12th was. Today, was the day you had your first surgery to remove the cancer from behind the left orbit of your eye. I’m blaming this on my grief brain. Google it. It’s real. I’ve had a mental picture of you all day, with your head all cut open. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes like, “What did you let them do to me, mama?” I ask myself that question a lot. What did I let them do to you, while trying to save your life? I put you through hell, harsh treatments, poisons… I tried to save your life with the best tools we had available to us. I don’t know how everything happened so quickly and slipped out of our hands, so fast. I’ll never understand or be able to come to peace with any of this. I worry about you so much, all the time. I know I always will.

I am so tired that this is going to have to be a short post. I have been going non stop since I woke up this morning, working on things for your foundation. I felt really overwhelmed today with everything we have going on. I got a lot accomplished though, so I guess I am feeling a bit better. I was not going to write tonight, but I miss you so I kind of just wanted to say hello. I also wanted to say thank you for the rain again. I had a hard day, a sad day, just like always, but today I was feeling extra bummed out. Your sweet Kassie asked if I wanted to hike. I said yes but I had a mini foundation meeting at my house first. She ended up coming over and it was 10:00 p.m. before it was over, but we still headed out the door to night hike. It was so bloody hot out. We got to the top and sat at our church. After sitting there for about 10 minutes, guess what I felt? The rain. Of course. The coldest, wettest rain drops fell from the sky and drenched us from head to toe. We just sat there laughing, until it stopped about 15 minutes later. It was glorious. It made me smile for a few minutes and giggle out loud. Thanks for the rain when I need it most. You always seem to know.

I have to end this. I’m sorry it’s so short. I need some sleep as today, wiped me out. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight. Maybe I will dream of you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

P.S. Kassie is kind of the greatest. Thank you for bringing her to me. She loves you so much. She makes this world such a better place. She is one of the good crazies that will change things in big ways.

Rita… meet my friend, Mandy Bee. #awkward

 

Ronan. This is what my nights are like. Fall into a light sleep. Into a place where you are in between being awake and asleep, floating in and out of dreams/reality. But the entire time you are kind of sleeping, you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. Like something is really, really wrong. Just as I get to sleep, I am jolted up out of bed. I’m drenched in sweat. Something indeed is not right. But what? Then I remember that you are not here. I get up, slam another Ambien and eventually it knocks me out. When my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. I cannot get out of bed fast enough. You’d think it was if I thought I had you to wake up to. I don’t really ever think this. I think it’s mainly just adrenaline that fills my body and makes me so restless, that waking up to do things feels better than the quietness that fills the dark nights. Do you know what I do at night? I wander around the house and turn our dryer on about 2/3 different times. I don’t care if the clothes are dry. I’ll dry them again, anyway, just to hear the noise. This is not normal. I know this, but I don’t really care.

I busied myself today with just getting normal things done like a normal mom would do. I ran to Trader Joe’s. It still takes my breath away that I am the mom in the grocery store, without the kid in tow. I went into bereaved mission mama you still have 2 kids mode and threw some things in a cart anyway. I did alright. I made it out of the store without abandoning my cart. To me, that is a success. I hiked up the mountain today with Mandy Bee in tow. We were there for a couple of hours. We had a dance party at the top. She definitely has moves like Jagger. In a Canadian radness sort of way. The weather is getting hotter which means less people on the mountain. Your daddy asked if it was an Inferno yet. I told him it was close, but not quite. It has to be over 100 to truly be an inferno day. It’s getting closer. That was yesterday, this is today, Ro. Yesterday was all things madness. I ended the exhausting day, in the ER of PCH with Mandy Bee because her babe is sick. This is how last night went down. Could be the funniest mix up/awkward first meeting of friends for the first time. I had told Rita, earlier in the day, that Liam was not feeling well. I had picked him up from school and he had a little cough. No biggie but he looked beat. I also may have told her I was in my room with the door closed, crying my eyes out. Both things were true. The part that I left out was that Liam was asleep in his bed, therefore it was o.k. that I was having a moment. The the last thing she heard from me for a few hours until she texted me to check in, was that I was not o.k. I’m throwing this next part in and calling it texts from one bereaved mom to another clearly sane but insane mom. It went a little something like this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I was texting with Rita back and forth, it may have dawned on me for .2 seconds that, hey, this is a little strange… she wants to come down to PCH, to sit in ER, with me, Mandy whom she’s never met, and Mandy’s son. I then thought to myself, what a good friend she is… I may have also thought for .2 seconds that this was totally out of character for Rita to do, but because of my lack of sleep/grief brain/talking to Mandy, those thoughts quickly left my mind. I said to Mandy, “Hey Rita wants to come down here. It that o.k.?” She replied with, “Of course!” Rita ran down to PCH as fast as she could and came flying through the door. I had no idea that anything was off. I was just glad that both of my friends were meeting and Zane was out like a light and resting comfortably. After introductions were made, Rita said something about the going to the vending machine to get candy. “I’ll come with you,” I told her. As soon as we got to the vending machine, Rita looked at me and said, “Um.. I have a confession to make.” “What?!? I asked her all blood-shot eyes/confused. She looked at me with a look of amusement/what the fuck is wrong with you, crazy pants?!! “I totally thought you were here, with Liam. I had no idea it was Mandy and her son here. I thought I was coming to see you and Liam!” “What do you mean?” I squealed. “I sent you a picture of Zane and everything!” She looked at me like and said, “You sent me a picture some boy with brown hair and the back of his head! Awkward! I’ve never even met Mandy, yet here I am, in an ER room with her and her little boy. Not that I wouldn’t come down here for Mandy, but maybe lunch first would have been nice!” We both started dying laughing. “I have to tell Mandy this. She will die.”

We told her. She laughed but is so the kind of person that loves me so much, that she just rolls with whatever shit I throw her way. This includes, “Hey, meet my friend, that you’ve never met before, in the ER while your son is getting breathing treatments. It’s a party now!” It ended up being fine. And provided me with the laughter that I so needed for the day. Yesterday was a really hard day for some reason. I told Rita that I was so sorry. Mandy too for the totally awkward but not awkward mix up because both of them are so accepting of me and my crazy head. I came home hoping to drift to sleep. That did not happen. I sobbed in bed instead. Your daddy just told me he was sorry and how he’ll never understand this. He fell asleep. I did not. I wrestled with sleep for a couple of hours and woke up, ready for another day without you. Liam did not look well this morning. Quinn was so snuggly in his bed, that I did not want to wake him. I let them both sleep. I kept them both home. I was supposed to hike today with a group that all met up and hiked for you. It was put on by a girl named Rachel whom I met at your fashion show. She organized a whole hike for you and ended up raising 400 dollars in a really short amount of time. Can you believe that?! She had balloons, signs, a cute little table set up with your pictures everywhere. She hiked it barefoot, in a purple tutu and everything. I am amazed at all the good people in the world, Ro. Every time I hear of people like this, it is a little reminder to me, to continue on. Thanks to all the lovies who went out today. It meant a lot to me. I thought about you all, all day long.

I’ve had a really rough past 2 days, which I don’t want to say too much about, until I am 100% sure, but it turns out, people are not always who they say they are. In my naïve head, I want to believe that everyone is good and would not take advantage of others, but I am learning a very hard lesson that this is just not true. There are bad people out there. I often forget this but due to this lesson, I am learning that I need to have my guard up a little more often. I just cannot believe there are people out there who would take cancer and use it to their advantage. There are and it’s due to this that I’m going to have to start being a little more protective of our situation. Tonight, I do not have the energy to sit and fly off the handle about this. Maybe one day, but not tonight. I’m too mentally beat to have another thing to be upset about.

I hiked in the dark tonight. I ran down to PCH to check in on Mandy Bee. I was not prepared for how hard things were going to hit me tonight, until I left there. I am usually fine there. Not tonight. I left there, tears steaming down my face. I heard your voice. “I love you, Mama.” “You’re my best friend.” “Come on baby doll!” I had visions of chasing you down the hallway that we used to walk through. I could not get out of there, fast enough tonight. But you know what, Ro? Mandy Bee would walk through fire for me and I would do the same for her. In a heart beat.

I booked some flights today. It was a fuckwad of a mental block. I sat at our kitchen table for 2 hours, and with the help of Mandy Bee and Rita, I picked dates and booked 4 fucking airline tickets. Not 5, but 4. It was horrific. Your daddy said, “Can’t you wait until I get home, to do this?” I responded with an, “No, I cannot. I’ve tried to do this for weeks now. I have to get it done today or else I am going to slit my wrist. I have to just book these, and at least get our airline tickets taken care of. Airline tickets are done. That’s all I could do today in regards to May. It was enough today. It was almost too much but I cannot bear the thought of scrambling so last minute. A plan is good for all of us.

This is all for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll. G’nite little lovies. Thank you to all my badass hikers today. I loved hearing about how so many of you got so dirty and how much you thought of Ro, the entire time. Thank you, so much. Thank you, Rachel. For working so hard and throwing together, such an amazing event. And FUCK CANCER.

xoxo